QUESTION...

When does everyone weigh? Do you weigh daily, weekly, every 2 weeks, once a month? I'm obsessed with weighing every day and what the scale says kinda sets my mood for the day.:( It sucks. I think about my weight, food, etc. way too much.

RESULTS OF SLEEP STUDY & MORE...

Well I haven't gotten an "official" call from the doctor about the sleep study yet..but the guy who did the sleep study that I only had a "little bit of apnea" and that was around 5:00am. So not sure if I still have it or? Guess I will know more after the doctor calls. It wasn't too bad..just weird sleeping with all that stuff hooked up to me.

I'm out of Mirapex (RLS pills)..this is the first night without them..so not too bad at the moment..but I can't get any til Friday..so may be a bit worse by then.:(

Christmas was good.:) The boys got some nice things and were happy with what they got. I got a new jacket, a poster from Twilight...my niece gave it to me..and also a deck of cards that have the movie characters on them.LOL Some perfume, a Tigger jacket, a couple of necklaces. My son, Dominic (9) likes the Raiders and he got a few t-shirts with their logo on it, a flashlight with their name on it and a Raider watch. My ex took it pretty well considering he's a Bronco fan.:)

I have been out of the diet pills for about a week now (Fastin). I felt that they were really working. I wasn't thinking about food all of the time. They're like $30 and I just don't have the money right now. So will have to wait until the 3rd to get those and the rest of the Christmas pics and some stamps to send everything out. I have gained like 7 lbs.:( But started exercising again yesterday and watching the carbs. I refuse to gain all the weight back that I lost. So right now I'm 316..yuck. Can't do much except move forward and be more concious of what I'm eating, drink more water (A LOT more) and exercise. Even if it's only 30 minutes a day...at least it's something.

I wished Greg S. a Happy Birthday on the 24th and told him Merry Christmas. He texted back to say thank you. Told him that I missed talking to him and he said he missed talking to me too. But that's all over now.

Never did hear from Mark S. Didn't think I would.

Louie wants more than friendship..I don't. Is that horrible? I have just taken care of people all of my life and I'm taking care of my kids right now and they are my #1 priority. Louie is in a wheelchair and has some health issues and needs pretty much constant care. I just don't feel that I can handle that right now. I don't know if that makes me selfish or not. I haven't been over to see him since last week, because I don't know what to say. I definitely don't want to hurt him. He wants to hang out on New Year's Eve...but I have the boys this year.

Mike K. texts me some, but not on a regular basis and when he does and I answer..then I don't hear from him til the next day or whatever. He texted me tonight and asked if he could call me. That was a couple of hours ago and I was charging my phone, so I just got the message. I didn't text him back. Just don't feel like talking right now. When I have needed someone to talk to..he hasn't been there for me at all. People need to treat each other the way they want to be treated. I just tend to "shut down" with people who don't show that much interest in being in my life.

Paco wanted to know what I was doing on New Year's Eve too. I just don't feel like doing anything..just hanging out with my kids and watching the ball drop in New York is good with me this year.

I feel better now that the pressure of Christmas is past. I know that's weird and I don't know why I feel that way. Just time to move forward and it will be a new year soon and that's always a good thing...although 2012 might not end all that great..you never know. I prefer to believe that everything will be OK..that the "craziness" surrounding 12-21-2012 is just that.

I don't have any desire to go out with anyone right now or even to go out. I have crazy moods. Sometimes I WANT someone in my life and other times, I know that I don't have time for anyone right now. With everything going on with my kids, my feelings towards my ex, my weight loss issues, wanting to do what I want to do when I want to do it, etc...I just don't think I'm willing to put in the time it takes to develop a relationship right now. Which sucks. But it's just the way it is.

MY HEALTH

OK, I don't know why I forget to post about how my physical health is..I know it's as important as my emotional health..maybe even more so. I have started seeing a physical therapist for my left ankle. It's really been bothering me for the past few months. Well come to find out that I don't have any arches. The way I have always walked..with my feet more pointed outward..has caused the issue. So though it probably won't ever get better..maybe get some things to put in my shoes to help. Bad thing is..they cost a lot of money (the ones she wants me to get anyway). So may have to wait on that awhile. My ankle/foot doesn't hurt ALL THE TIME, but after it has been in one position for any length of time..it's like "stuck" and it really hurts to try to move it. I have to massage it to get it to cooperate.

I go in for a sleep study tomorrow night. I have sleep apnea..was diagnosed a few years ago. I used to have a CPAP machine, but have no idea where it is..as you can tell..I didn't use it much. I just find it annoying to have something on my face while I sleep. BUT I recently read that sleep apnea can cause weight gain, strokes, heart attacks, sudden death..etc...(I may FEEL suicidal sometimes, but I have no desire to actually die). SO decided I had better get my ass in gear and get checked again and see what I need to do. Get a new CPAP machine and go from there. So will let you know how it goes. I also have RLS (restless leg syndrome). I take Mirapex for that (a drug also used for Parkinsons) and it helps soooo much! I have run out of it before...and it's NOT a good thing. Can't keep my legs still when I try to rest at night and don't get any sleep. I'm glad that I finally found a drug that can help. I hope it never stops working.

HOLIDAYS & DEPRESSION

Wow...this depression is seriously kicking my ass.:( I wish it would just pass already. Will just have to ride it out and hope I start feeling better soon. I think some of it has to do with the fact that Dave will be putting in for his transfer to Denver in March or April. I don't know who long it takes from there...but I don't want him to leave.:( I guess maybe I should have just let him move when he first left me, but I begged and pleaded him to stay around for the boys' sakes. Now I have to go thru all of these emotions again. So though I look forward to what a new year will bring..I also dread it. I was never good with change...it pretty much has to be forced on me.

Helped mom make fudge yesterday and I have gotten some cards (holiday pics) out to some people. I'm totally broke at the moment, so will have to send out the rest probably after the new year. I hate when I have to do that. But what are ya going to do, ya know?

Greg S and I decided to be just friends...though I think we won't even be that really..since I don't feel like texting him anymore really. He texted me a few days ago and said he started seeing someone else down there, but he would like to stay friends. At least he was honest. I thought he was really cool and easy to talk to, so it kinda sucks that he found someone else.:(

Mike K. and I talk some, but not a regular thing. I just don't need the drama.

Sean B. Not sure where that stands and don't really care at the moment.

Mark S. I haven't heard from him since my last blog post. So I'm sure he's not planning on coming up for Christmas. I can take hints pretty well.LOL

Louie...I went over to see him a couple of days ago and he is hanging in there.

I watched all but two episodes of the Biggest Loser..will finish watching those today. I figure I can mess around on here, watch some TV and clean some...the cleaning really needs to be done. LOL I have done some...I will never let my house get this messy again..nor will I keep stuff that I don't need. Not being able to throw things away is a horrible thing...but at least I'm not as bad as some people I have seen on "Hoarders!" KNOCK ON WOOD!!LOL

When I weighed yesterday..I was 309. I'm happy about that. Hoping to be 300 by January 1st. Then hope to lose 10 lbs (at least) every month...so will be around 245 when my class reunion rolls around in the middle of June.

UPDATE & BIGGEST LOSER

First, right after I posted my last blog...Mark S. texted me!! Shocked me. He said that was sorry that he didn't get back to me sooner, but that work has been busy. He went in around 8:30 this morning and will get done around 7:00pm. He's still not sure what time he is coming up for Christmas Eve and Day. I really hope that he does come up. He's cool and I would like to get to know him more.

I have recorded "The Biggest Loser" on my DVR for the past month and haven't watched them yet!:( The season finale is tongiht already!! I LOVE that show! So will try to cram the last few episodes in today.:)

BEING SAD......

The last couple of days have been hard for me.:( Don't really know why. Have cried some...haven't done that for awhile. Just sad about a bunch of things really. Being alone is the main one I think. Dave (ex) told me on the phone the other night that I sounded really depressed and maybe I should get some "help." I'm like, excuse me, but you know that I don't like being alone...I also reminded him that HE doesn't like to be alone either and that he wouldn't have left me if he didn't have someone else lined up already. He pretty much agreed with me. I told him that it wasn't his concern anymore. He told me that I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. Is he Dr. Phil now?LOL I know that I have to love myself and I do to an extent..but I'm not always easy to live with!! Guess he figured that out as well.:(

Went to Colorado Springs last weekend with mom and Duke Christmas shopping. I think I got all the things I needed! This time of year is crazy! I still don't have my cards sent out. Just got the family pics done on the 9th. My niece, Justine, took them. I think they turned out OK...not bad at all. Hopefully will get them all sent out this week. Can't believe that next weekend is Christmas already!!

The diet pills (Fastin) seem to be working..I'm rarely hungry (could all be in my head) and don't eat that much. I got down to 310 the other day..not sure what I am now. It's pretty sad when you're happy to be down to 310!LOL

Now on to the guy situation. There will always be a situation where guys are concerned.:( At least with me.

Mike K....he hasn't been texting me back, hasn't been calling, etc. Has really hurt me. I mean he starts out all gung ho..sending me gifts, calling me constantly, etc..then nothing. Wouldn't tell me why. Well he called last night (actually really early this morning) and he had been drinking some..which was good for me since I was able to find out what is going on with him. He's totally confused. He doesn't know what the hell he wants. Like I said, he is still married and lives in the same house as his wife though they are separated. She treats him like crap, because she doesn't want to be with him and doesn't want to deal with their 3 kids. He's like 11 years older than her and got married when she was 18. She's 28 now and I think she's figuring out that she lost out on a lot of things. Not an excuse, but that's what I see happening. He wants to keep his family together as much as possible for the kids' sake. I can understand that. But get this, he had backed off, because I was getting to serious..that I was coming on "too strong." I'm like REALLY??!! He's the one who was sending me gifts and getting all serious first. So I felt it was OK for me to do so to an extent as well..guess not. He said he was sorry that he backed off, but that he got freaked out a bit. He said that he still cares for me and loves me. That's where he's confused and makes ME confused...he says he loves me..but says that I'm too serious. I cried a little bit..don't think he could tell. I told him I was upset because he could have TOLD me this instead of just backing off. He apologized and said that he wants to get back to the way it was in the beginning. Us talking, etc. Do I believe him? I believe that he may want to get back to that..but do I think he will? No not really. I told him that I would back off..that he could text me if he wanted to talk to me, but I wouldn't be texting him first. He said he didn't want that, that I could still talk to him. I'm like WTH?? I care about him a lot..but I don't know how I'm supposed to even act now. He tells me that one of his good female friends now says she's in love with him and that he's not interested in her. Doesn't want me thinking that he's up there screwing around, because he's not. That him and his wife haven't done anything in a long time. Why is he even concerned what I think about that? He says that if I find something better here, that he doesn't want me to lose out on that because of him, but that he would like me to give us a chance...I'm like I don't know what the hell is going on in his head. Tells me he loves me before he hangs up..I didn't say it back. Then texts me "I love you please let me prove it xoxo." I just responded "OK."

Sean B...had an argument with him the other night. It's "all good" now. I know that he loves me, but not sure how I feel about him It's like he never wants to meet me in person. Says that we can in February in Colorado Springs because a sci-fi convention is there. Ummmm...OK. I don't even like sci-fi. He will go to Colorado Springs for that (and will see me then), but won't go just to see me. Makes a whole lot of sense. Plus when he gets mad, he likes to call names...and they aren't nice names.

Greg S...he's still cool and we text. Not as much as we did, but still quite a bit. I don't think he knows what he wants either, but at least he's been divorced for awhile and has his own place. More than I can say for most of them. We will see how it goes..but I will just let him take the lead. I'm not putting myself out there anymore. If a guy is interested in me..he can prove it. I'm done trying.

Mark S...yep a new one...well he's not even in the picture really. About a year ago, I had responded to his ad on Craiglist..he was alone for the Holidays and wanted someone to hang out with. Well my e-mail had gotten lost..or he just didn't see it. He was cleaning his e-mail out the other day and found my message, so he asked if the offer was still open for this year..since he still didn't have anyone to hang out with. He's 29, in the Army, is Asian. So I said it would be cool to meet him. Did that last weekend while I was in Colorado Springs. He's a hottie for sure. Things happened...anyway, he said that he would still like to come up for Christmas. He texted briefly after we saw each other, but hasn't answered my texts in a couple of days. I'm such an idiot. But I tend to live in the moment and that's not always a good thing. Anyway, that's on him. If he wants to spend the Holidays by himself or whatever, that's on him.

Louie...I have gone over there a couple of times now. Stayed the night one night so we could watch a movie. It was interesting. I slept in the same bed as him..he needs it warm in his room, since he's small and doesn't have much fat on him to keep him warm. I find it hard to sleep when it's too hot. We talked some..he's still having a hard time missing his ex. He will for awhile..believe me, I know. He's cool to hang out with. Anyway, a CNA comes in and gets him into bed at night and then up again in the mornings. During the night, he needs to be turned over a couple of times. His niece usually does it, but he told me how to do it that night, so I did..but was really afraid of hurting him. He said I needed to get over that and that I wouldn't hurt him. He was born with..I can't remember what he said it was called...but his muscles stopped growing at a certain point when he was younger and that they will just get weaker as he gets older. He can't go anywhere in the Winter really, so he's having a hard time with that, plus going thru a break up. So I go over and hang out. It's funny because he used to be really good friends with my ex back in high school and even later.

Speaking of my ex...he texted me this morning "Hi sweetheart. I'm headed to work. I love you." I texted back "Wrong person, but thanks." LOL He didn't say anything back. He really needs to watch which person he's sending texts too.LOL That, of course, was meant for Gracie.

I'm supposed to go to lunch with my friend Joannie today..she knows how down I've been. I don't know what I'm going to do without her when she eventually moves to N. Dakota.:( She has been there thru all of this crap the past couple of years. I should stay home and clean...get cards ready, etc. I'm just sooo not in the mood. I need to snap out of this and fast. I AM a worthwhile person. I just have to convince myself of that.

SNOW, SNOW & MORE SNOW

Did I really say that it was more like Spring than Winter??? I jinxed it! It's COLD and has been snowing for the past couple of days. I'm already tired of it. Well not the snow so much right now, but definitely the cold.

Matthew is better.:) They did well bowling on Saturday. I took them bowling again for fun on Saturday night. I bowled with them and my friend Joannie went as well..though she didn't bowl. Her and I had gone to the Mexican Restaurant before that and had a couple of drinks.

Phillip is sick and is staying home from school today..which could get me into trouble.:( But if he's sick, what am I supposed to do? If they miss 10 or more days in a semester..there will be issues..I can't remember what they are though..prison, dungeons? Guess we'll find out! This will be his 10th day. He had texted me on Saturday night wanting me to come get him...IN DENVER!! Which is 3 HOURS away!! I was like NOT. He did get to go to the mall up there and got his picture taken with two Denver Bronco cheerleaders...was quite happy about that.:)

Mike K....it's still the same. I'm like whatever. Obviously he got whatever he needed to get out of talking to me. I'm tired of putting myself out there and then this crap happening.

Sean B...have talked to him some..maybe give him more of a chance. Don't really know yet.

Went over yesterday afternoon to see Louie. He's a cool guy. He's not over his ex..but he likes me. I like him too, but think we are better off as friends. Will probably hang out with him again this weekend.

Talked to a new guy on messenger last night for like 3-4 hours. Which is unusual for me. I don't get on messenger much, but have been because of Louie. This new guys' name is Greg S. He lives in Colorado Springs. He seems like a nice guy.

I don't feel real great and I have a ton of things to do today...well this whole week actually. Wish me luck!!

OH! Today is my mom and step-dads' 2nd wedding anniversary.:) Hopefully it's better than the last one..mom had to go by ambulance to Canon City for kidney stones.

DECEMBER ALREADY!

Can't believe that it's December already..don't know where the time goes anymore. It's definitely acting like Winter now...for awhile there it was more like Spring. It's been snowing most of the night and is still coming down. I have to take the two younger boys bowling this morning (they are on a league)..so have to go clean the jeep off in awhile..FUN!!LOL I went and bought some Christmas cards yesterday. I plan on getting them out by the 12th. I would try for sooner, but I want a picture of the boys and I to put in them first. I think we're doing that next weekend..my niece is going to take them. I'm really late doing that this year. Usually I do the pics in October or November at the latest. I have bought a few presents for the boys, but not a lot yet. I can't afford a lot this year. Well any year really!! But as they get older, they want more expensive "toys." Dominic wants an ipad...hell if I had $500..I would get ME one, not my 9 year old!!LOL I feel bad though. I know I'm going to have to get a job soon and most likely it's going to have to be fast food or hotels.:( Wal-Mart says I don't have enough "availability." Yeah whatever.

I bought some new diet pills..I think I should be getting paid for this!! I try them, they don't work, so they take them off the market.:) This one is "Fastin." Just bought it yesterday, so will start those today. I REALLY need to start exercising again!!!! Quit being so lazy..is what I tell myself on a daily basis. I'm OK after I get started (usually), but it's just getting to that point.

Mike K...I swear I'm so frustrated with him. He says he'll be "better." That he loves me and misses me. Will try to text more during the day, etc. Believe me, it isn't working. He has a funny way of showing that he wants me in his life. Of course, the guy who is messing with my head, is the one I want the most. Typical pattern. I know it's wrong, but can't seem to help myself. But I WILL quit being so needy..if that's what you want to call it. If he doesn't text, then I won't either. Sounds like I'm in grade school!!LOL I guess I just hate feeling that I'm not "in control." I just need to back off some, I guess. Which I hate. I start liking a guy and get used to him being in my life, then I have to let go. Doesn't make sense to me.

Sean B...he's mad at me for doing to him what Mike is doing to me. He seems also to want me more if I'm not paying that much attention to him. A weird cycle. I like him a lot...but I think as more of a friend than anything. Maybe one of these days I will meet him and then will know where that will go if anywhere.

Paco...I haven't been talking to him either. He has called me a couple of times and left messages. I need to call him. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I DO like hanging out with him some. That's not his real name by the way.:) It's just a nickname that I have always known him by.

I went to school with (well he was a few years older than me) with a guy named Louie. He's in a wheelchair and always has been. I'm not sure what all is exactly wrong with him and I think it's rude to ask. Anyway, I have always "known" him. He was popular in school. I didn't talk to him much until we were older and he was one of my ex's best friends at one time. Anyway, he's on my Facebook and we started talking more and now I look forward to talking to him on messenger every day..and I didn't used to get on messenger at all. Just don't feel like talking to someone THAT much.LOL But he's sooo cool! He's funny and sweet. His niece and her family take care of him now that both of his parents are gone. He wants me to come over and watch movies with them sometime, so I will probably do that next weekend. Dave and Phillip went to Denver this weekend and I don't have a babysitter for the younger two. I think it'll be fun. His niece says I should date him and that he really likes me. He just went thru a break-up not too long ago, so he's sad about that. I like being friends with him and he makes me smile. So that's all good.

My youngest...Matthew...was really sick earlier this week. He had a fever and chills..a little sore throat, but not bad. It was mostly the fever and chills. I have never seen him so sick. One night, his fever got up to 104.3!!!! I was freaking out. Took him to the doctor and he said it was "probably" just a virus and it had to run it's course. So I just alternated between Tylenol and Ibuprofen every 4 hours. Finally his fever broke. If it had gotten even to 104.4, I was headed to the ER! He's feeling better now, though he says his throat still hurts some (they checked him for strep) and he doesn't have that. Also has a cough now. I'm hoping none of the rest of us get sick.

My mom turned 62 on Nov. 29th. We had cake for her that evening. I'm hoping that my sister and I can take her to dinner next week. I didn't have money last week and Bev (sister) is out of town this weekend. She has a boyfriend out of town..which I think is awesome! She has been alone for long enough after her divorce, so I'm happy for her (also a little jealous, I must admit). I got mom an Alan Jackson calendar..which she loved. Him and Elvis are the ones that she has obsessed about in her life.:)

WHY DO I BOTHER?

I had a pretty good Thanksgiving.:) Things went well. The only thing that I'm irate about at the moment is Mike K. He texts me saying that he had a crappy day (him and his wife are separated, but still live in the same house, because he doesn't want the kids to be upset and because she can't make it on her own..though she's the one that doesn't want to be married anymore). So Thanksgiving with her and her family was awkward and not the best this year. I told him to call me later if he wanted to talk about it and he said that he would. Well he works at night..he texts me later and says that he'll talk to me soon, that he's talking to one of the girls at work..no problem..then texts me again later and says that it's nice to have shrink at work that he can talk to anytime and he feels better now. OK...well sooo glad that he has someone that he can talk to there (he lives 3 hours away) instead of talking to me, like he said he was going to. Has told me in the past that he really needed someone that he could talk to about things, etc. Well obviously..he doesn't need ME to talk to. It just annoys the hell out of me. Texts me and says "did you need to talk?" Ummmm...excuse me?...I thought YOU needed to talk? Anyway it doesn't matter. I told him not to worry about it and that I was glad he was feeling better. I should know better.

Then I have Sean B. texting me constantly or calling me constantly. It's come to the point that I don't answer his calls and most of the time, don't answer his texts. If I'm not available to talk 24/7, he's flipping out. "I don't have enough time for him," "I must be too busy to talk to him," "no wonder my ex left me," etc. etc. We have talked off and on (mostly on) over the phone for a couple of years. He is also 3 hours away. We haven't met yet. HE keeps putting it off. Even when I have been available and asked if he wanted to hang out, he comes up with an excuse. So that's kinda shady. He doesn't have kids..so that's another issue...if he needs all this attention now, how will it be if we ever got together? Would he be jealous of the time I spend on the kids? So whatever.

Then Paco..I don't know. I don't want to lead him on. I really like Mike K., but I don't know how that would work out anyway. I don't plan on moving any time soon..causing more stress for my kids. Yet I'm not postive I want to be in a long term relationship with someone who is 18 years older than me..and only a couple of years younger than my mom. That's just creepy to me.

"SAD" AND OTHER HEALTH ISSUES

PAUL..if you're reading this..I LOVE your blog!!:) I'm just not able to comment on it for some reason?:( Drives me crazy. Any ideas, let me know.

I love this time of year!!:) BUT I also have a really hard time with it. The cold, the wind, the snow, the getting dark at 4:30pm thing. I get restless sometimes...don't know what to do with myself. I don't like the really hot days of Summer, but I have come to love the sunshine, the warmth, the being able to go outside and not freeze. Go to the mountains, take the kids to the park, etc. I have been going for walks some in the evenings or even later at night..just because I feel like I'm going to go crazy being "cooped" up. It's a long way to go until Spring...and I don't want to rush life any more than it already rushes. It FLIES by. Not always a good thing. So I find things to enjoy each day (or try to). I take one day at a time..sometimes one minute at a time.

I may go get check for Fibromyalgia (sp?) I probably don't have that. But my joints are worse than they have ever been. It seems like everything hurts..my ankle, my knees, my neck, my arms...sometimes it feels like the joints and other times it feels like the muscles. I don't know. All I know is that I find it hard to move sometimes and I don't like it.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!:)

I hope everyone has a wonderful day with your friends and family.:) I'm going to the community dinner with my mom and step-dad and I think that Phillip and Matthew are going too. Then will go to my ex-sister-in-law, Tina's. I thought it was nice of them to still invite me. Dominic doesn't want to go to either place..so anti-social..he's 9!LOL He's definitely the one with the most opinions and the one who doesn't like change at all.

I have started exercising again. I decided that I'm NOT going to gain everything that I have lost back again. No way. I was 317 the other day!! Talk about being depressed and disgusted. Now I'm down to around 314. Can't believe that I got down to 290 and then let myself gain this much back again.:( So will just have to work harder at losing it and keeping it off. For awhile..I was out-of-control with my eating. It seems like I couldn't stop eating carbs and eating A LOT of them. I hate when I don't have any willpower at all.

My friend, Joannie and I, went to see "Twilight-Breaking Dawn" on the 19th. I LOVED it!!! I haven't read any of the books..so it was all a surprise to me. Which I think is better.:)

I went over to Pacos' the night of the 12th. He is an awesome guy. I know that he would like a relationship, but I'm not sure that's what I want with him. Part of it is the age thing and another part is the fact that I really like Mike K. We have gotten closer over the past month and I would like to see where it goes.

LIFES UP & DOWNS

Went to Colorado Springs with my friend, Tracy, on the 7th. It was fun.:) Nice to get away and talk to an old friend! There is a comfort knowing that this person has known me since I was 5 and knows how my life has been. I don't have to explain anything and she's always been there and has known me in my not so great times. Nothing like a childhood friend. I love all of my new friends too..but they can never know me like I "used to be." Anyway, I was able to buy a few Christmas presents.:) I think the boys will like them. I saw her new house that they just bought in Canon City as well...VERY NICE! I wish that my house was more "open" like that and not so gloomy. But I'm just thankful that I HAVE a house after everything that has happened.

Dave went to Denver yesterday for the weekend. The boys and I were going to go up today for Nicoles' kids' party, but decided against it. For one, the kids don't want to go and for another my jeep is acting weird and I don't want to get stuck somewhere. PLUS it's supposed to snow some tomorrow and I don't like driving in the mountains in the snow. Sean won't be happy with my decision, I'm sure, but we haven't really talked much this past week anyway. I don't hear from Jeff anymore. I still talk to Mike K and things are going really good.:) I hope that it stays that way. Makes me feel like I'm in high school again. That excitement when he calls me or I get a text from him....

I have known this guy..they call him Paco..since I was about 19 or 20. He's a bit older than me..he just turned 60. That's way too old for me. But he's a pretty cool guy and sweet. We still talk some when we see each other. He asked me to come over tonight and watch a movie, so I may just do that. Would be nice to hang out with a friend and just chill.

Jason is mad at me. He wanted to come stay a night last weekend (basically a booty call) and I made an excuse why he couldn't come over or whatever. If he called on a regular basis and we talked more..then maybe I wouldn't have a problem with it. But don't call me for a booty call once a month or so and that's the only time you talk to me. Not going to happen.

My mom got her cow elk on the 8th!!!:) It was her first elk that she's EVER gotten. I didn't know that. Her and my dad used to go hunting all the time when I was a kid, so I just assumed that she had gotten one before. So I'm very happy for her and proud of her.:) My step-dad has a buck tag, but not sure if he will get one or not. It really wears him out. Plus I'm worried about him. He is starting to get confused easily it seems and says words for things that don't make sense. Like he was going to get the gun out of the truck for my mom the other night (after hunting) and he said "I will get your airplane in a little bit." He didn't even realize that he had said that.:( He just turned 65 on the 6th. I hope that he's not getting Alzheimer's. My grandma had that and it's a HORRIBLE disease.

I went to a funeral the other day..one of the guys I went to school with...Randy...his mom had passed away. Even though Randy and I weren't close in school and didn't hang out together, we talk now when we see each other. I would like someone to be there for me when one of my loved ones die (hopefully not any time soon) and I wanted to be there for him. Just to let him know that I was there. Is that weird? It's hard now...getting older and having more people that you know die.

The weight isn't really going anywhere. I've started keeping a food journal. Trying to watch the carbs, but still around 313. I really need to do better...just don't know how sometimes.

Oh, the guy I hooked up with in August..don't know if I told you about that or not...Steve...anyway he works at 7-11 so I see him every now and then. He wanted just more sex and not anything else, so I said no thanks. Well he sent me a message on Facebook the other day and said that he wasn't ready for a relationship but he would like the sex part (I hadn't heard from him in awhile). I was at one of my weak points, so I said that maybe we could do that. Well I checked my Facebook again last night and he's like "never mind, you've been talking to so and so and spreading rumors and act like an adult," etc. I'm like WTF?! I don't even talk about this guy to anyone because he's not worth talking about..sorry to be so mean, but he pissed me off. I sent him a mesasge back and wasn't nice. Told him basically that he's an asshole. I hate when people accuse me of something that I NEVER did. That's one of the biggest "no nos" with me. He could have ASKED me, but he didn't. Then I called him (he was at work) and asked what he hell was going on. He said that there are rumors going around...and for some reason, he decided that they were coming from me. Whatever. He told me that if I wasn't going to be an "adult," then I can quit coming into the store when he's working. I'm like you can't tell me when to go into a store!!LOL I get tired of small town bullshit. So he just blew whatever chance he had with me. I don't need that kind of crap. I have enough drama of my own.

FRIDAY MORNING

My youngest, Matthew, turned 8 yesterday! That's sooo hard to believe! That my "baby" is 8! Time goes by sooo fast. I took some cupcakes to school for him. Then after he got out I took him to the Mexican Restaurant that he wanted to go to.:) My oldest, Phillip, went with us. Then went down to moms' for cake, ice cream and presents. I got him a couple of little transformers and a Spongebob DVD. He liked all of those OK, but mom got him a nice, soft blanket with deer on it and he LOVES that!LOL You never know what they will like from one minute to the next. Then he went with his dad for awhile. I took the two older ones to see "Paranormal Activity 3." My niece said it was stupid, but I thought it was a really good movie! Scared the hell out of me!!LOL That makes it a good movie in my opinion. Of course, didn't like the ending...maybe leaving it open for another one? Who knows.

Mom and Duke are going to Grand Junction today to see my sister and niece. They want to go before the weather gets worse. The mountain passes suck during the winter. There is another storm coming in tomorrow, so I think they'll go over for a few hours and come back. It's a 4 hour trip though..so it will be a long day for them.

Sean and I are talking again and I plan on seeing him in Denver next Saturday. We will see how that goes. I was thinking about it and I have been talking to him off and on for over TWO years, not one like I put in the last post. Time goes by too fast sometimes. I'm still talking to Mike K and he's totally cool. He's easy to talk to and I enjoy getting his calls and texts.

I'm going to Colorado Springs Christmas shopping on Monday with my friend Tracy. She called and asked if I wanted to go. I don't have a lot of money, but maybe can spend a little. Christmas will be hard this year...hell it's hard EVERY year.

Dave wants me to start letting him take the two younger ones to Denver with him on weekends when he goes sometimes. I know that eventually I will have to, but I'm not happy about it. I know they need their dad and I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem with Gracie. I don't trust her not to say things about me and try to turn them against me. But the boys are getting older and I know that I can't protect them forever from all the bad in the world.:( I would if I could, believe me.

WEDNESDAY

Sometimes I can't think of anything to title my post...so I will just make it an obvious one.:) Halloween went well. Took the boys trick-or-treating. It was really nice out...no snow!!LOL They had fun, but got "over it" after their bags were about half full. They just wanted to get home to eat their candy!!

Still talking to Mike K., but not so much to Jeff H. Now sure why Jeff isn't texting much, but that's on him. Mike and his wife are separated right now...she needs to "find herself." I think they will end up back together. Which is a GOOD thing. They have 3 little kids and all. Yes I like him, but I wouldn't come between that. I know how that feels. I don't know for sure that they will get back together, but if they do, I will be supportive. He sent me a few little gifts that I got on the 31st! I was sooo surprised! I haven't gotten anything like that "just because" in years. He said it was a Halloween gift and a token of his friendship. He got me some earrings, a really nice necklace, a pack of gum, some tic tacs and a really nice friendship card. Is that cool or what? Made my day.:)

I think that I have talked about Sean B. before, but it might have been awhile. Not sure. We have talked off and on for over a year. He was going to go to the party with me on the 12th (would be the first time meeting). Well, I don't always have time to text back right away. Plus he has an overnight job and he gets upset when he calls at 2:00am or whatever and I don't answer. I'm sleeping!! Anyway, I told him I would call him last night. He had texted me yesterday to call him, but I had gone to Colorado Springs with my mom and Duke and told him that it would be nice to talk alone. Before I could call last night...he texted me and told me to just forget it. That since I didn't call, I was a liar. Told me to fuck off. That he thought I was smarter than that (to be able to push buttons on a phone). That I was self centered and don't care about anyone but myself. Damn. Guess he told me. So I didn't say anything back to him..what am I going to say?? Before he sent me the last few rude texts, I told him that it was over, that I didn't need to deal with that. That he needed to find someone without kids, who could put all the focus on him. He just tried to call a gain a little bit ago, but didn't answer. What am I going to say??

It snowed here this morning! We have like 5-6 inches and it's still snowing. Mom and Duke were going to go over to Grand Junction to see my sister, Cindy and my 1 year old niece, Jasmine, today, but with the snow, they won't. There are a few mountain passes to go over and it's not a fun thing. It's supposed to be "nice" tomorrow and Friday and snow again on Saturday. Then next weekend is supposed to be nice..which is awesome since I am planning on going to Denver.

I weighed myself on Monday and was 310...so down a pound from last week. I had gotten down to 290 at one point. Can't believe that I let myself gain back 20+ lbs.!:( Then Monday and Tuesday I ate way too much and felt like crap. Today is a new day and I WILL be better. Exercising, drinking more water, not eating as much, etc. It's just not easy. Wish me luck!! First main goal is 300 lbs

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Hope everyone has a great day!! Taking the boys trick-or-treating tonight. Dave is going with us. At first, he had some stupid idea that we each take one of the younger kids...I'm like "are you serious??" This will probably be the last Halloween they have with him and he comes up with THAT?? I believe that it's partly Gracie telling him what to do. Anyway, this is FOR the boys and we are taking them together. I told him that it's not like we have to hold hands or anything.LOL It's just ridiculous. I'm not sure if Phillip is going to dress up at all, but Dominic and Matthew are both going to be ninjas. They have different colored costumes. They have parties at school today..Dominic wanted to be a zombie for that. So he just put some fake blood on a white shirt. I think he was just embarrassed to wear the ninja costume at school.LOL

I haven't talked to Bobby at all. I kinda figured I wouldn't. Not that big of a deal really. I've been texting a couple of guys from Denver and they're pretty cool. Jeff H. & Mike K. Jeff is 30 and Mike is 39. Mike and I also talk on the phone. He's a cool guy and he gives me that "butterfly" feeling whenever I hear from him. Which is nice. It may not go anywhere with either one of them (I live 3 hrs away), but it's nice having them in my life for the moment. I have learned and pretty much come to accept that nobody stays permanently in my life. At least guys don't. It's not that I'm OK with that, I just accept it. I haven't "slept" with a guy in over 2 weeks. Hey, that has to be some kind of record!!LOL I'm just not into the hook ups anymore. I want and need more than that. Let's just hope I have the willpower to continue with that. I got a letter from Arturo on Saturday with a picture. He's still looking all hot and everything. Told me he loves me and still wants to marry me. Tells me he's glad that I never gave up on him, etc. I still really care about him, but is it too little too late? I don't know. I do know that I have a bit of a wall up where he is concerned.

I went hunting with my mom and step-dad all last week. Well THEY hunted. I'm pretty sure I couldn't hit the side of a barn!!LOL I mostly just drove and tried to find a friggin' buck. Plenty of does, but that's about it. Mom had a buck tag, my step-dad (Duke) didn't have a tag for this season. I swear that deer are crazy. They know when to "hide" during hunting season...yet they continually run out in front of cars!! Anyway, mom didn't get anything, but it was sooo nice being able to just talk to her and hang out with her.:) Duke had his truck and then I drove mom around. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad for the memories. On the downside, I ate waaayyyy too much cookies, crackers, mini candy bars, etc. I felt like a serious cow. But the last few days of last week, I did OK and will weigh myself later this morning. Anyway, another season starts on the 5th. Mom has an elk tag for that one and Duke has a buck tag. Hopefully they will have better luck this next season.

Dave hit a deer on his way to work last week and hit it HARD (like at 60 mph). Luckily Dave was OK..it would have been a lot worse if it was a bigger deer or an elk. I'm glad he's OK!! His car was pretty messed up though. It's in the shop now. Can't say that I'm sad about the car....it's a 2009 and I have a 1993 and I never thought that was fair. Karma and all....I know that's probably horrible to say, right?

Gracies' daughter, Nicole, & I get along. Which is weird to say the least. She's 23 and has 3 little kids. She is having a birthday party for 2 of them on November 12th and she invited me and the boys! Well they all live with Gracie. I'm actually going to go if the weather is decent. Might be a little weird. Dave and Gracie being there and all. But oh well. It was ballsy of Nicole to ask and I have to give her credit for that. I don't have to be NICE to Gracie..but I'm pretty sure I can be CIVIL. My mom would kick my ass if she knew. But I know that I have to try to adapt to the whole situation. I don't know if that will ever really happen, but we'll see. My friend, Sean, might go with me. I'm not sure yet. I may have mentioned him earlier. He lives in Denver (doesn't everyone??)LOL We have talked on the phone off and on for over a year. I asked him if he wanted to go to the party with me and he said yes. But we'll see. It would be nice to have someone to go with so maybe I wouldn't feel so friggin' awkward. I told him my kids would be with me..he said he didn't have a problem with that..but I'm sure he'll be irate if we don't get any time alone. But that's not my problem and I'm not even sure that's true..that he would be upset.

Oh, we're supposed to see a mediator about the visitation. I told Dave that I'm not spending money on the mediator when he screwed things up for me before. The mediator is an ass. He TELLS you how it's going to be, doesn't discuss it. I don't like him and I refuse. So not sure where it will go from there. Dave is being all nice again. I don't get him. He tells me that we have nothing to talk about, but then texts me and stuff. Trying to keep me on the string a little? I really don't know. But I just do the day to day thing and try not to let it get me down.

WEDNESDAY....

OK, I know that I said that I was pretty much giving up on weight loss...I'm sooo not. I didn't come this far to just quit. I just get in my "moods." I got the papers filed at the courthouse yesterday and sent a copy to Dave. He may not be too happy, but I can't worry about that. He didn't care how I felt when he filed the papers behind my back. My problem is, I still care. He dropped Dominic off at moms' last night and came in!! Is he crazy??? My mom and step-dad are sooo pissed off at him right now and he just waltz in. Luckily, they were in their rooms, but my step-dad came out of his room to see who was there and then went back in (Thank God). After Dave left, he's like "what the hell was he doing in here?" He wasn't mad at me, he's just pissed at Dave. Dave had some serious balls, because I had told him how they feel about him right now. Then he brought the boys some soda and brought me one too! He usually doesn't..so WTF? You wouldn't believe how hard it is not to just text him when I want, but so far, have just been keeping it to the topic of the boys. If he says anything different (like trying to start a conversation), I ignore the text. It's really hard to do.:(

One of my guy "friends" texted me last night and asked if I wanted to "hook up." I said "nah, sorry." He was like WTH??LOL Just tired of all that crap. Then Bobby..thought he wanted more of a relationship with me..that's what he had said..of course he HAD been drinking at the time!LOL We texted some yesterday and he said we are just friends. Well at least that's cleared up. I told him I don't "sleep" with all of my friends. So now that he knows he's not getting any, who knows if he will still want to hang out or not. Doesn't matter either way to me really.

Q&A

I borrowed this from a friends' blog..so feel free to do the same.:)

1. What is your favorite word? DESTINY
2. What is your least favorite word? HATE
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? LOVE
4. What turns you off? LIARS
5. What is your favorite curse word? F**K (sorry to say)LOL
6. What sound or noise do you love? A BABY'S BELLY LAUGH
7. What sound or noise do you hate? PEOPLE ARGUING
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? WRITER
9. What profession would you not like to do? COOK
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? WELCOME HOME! DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA MAKE IT!!lol

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE...

Yesterday wasn't a good day AT ALL. Very emotional. Dave and I talked on the phone some and I cried a lot. It's kinda like going thru the divorce all over again. I should have just cut all ties a long time ago. I was such a mess yesterday that I just felt that I couldn't do this all again and that maybe I should just quit life...but I have kids...I CAN'T and WON'T do that, but I can't say that the thought isn't there sometimes. I just have to keep going and hope for the best...though that's hard for me right now. I just don't see much to look forward to in the future. I wish I felt better. I just feel sick to my stomach (literally) and a bit panicky. Don't want to deal with this again.

I have also decided that I will stay away from guys for awhile (we will see how long THAT lasts). I'm just tired of dealing with them and their bullshit. I sent texts to some of them yesterday wishing them the best and all. A few of them texted back and asked what was going on. I just told them that I didn't hear from them that much anyway, so didn't see the point. They apologized and said they would be "better." It doesn't really matter to me at this point in time.

I didn't get the papers turned in yesterday, but will today, since this is the last day that I can.

MONDAY....

Yesterday was NOT a good day. I stayed in bed and slept all day. Just couldn't make myself get out of bed. I see the dr on Wednesday to see about my anti-depressants, but there is no miracle cure out there. I weighed today and knew that I would be up some pounds. Didn't take my water pill yesterday and plus I have been pretty much eating whatever. We don't have any money right now and won't until Nov. 3rd. So have to eat what's in the house, which isn't much and what is there is certainly not low carb. I weigh 313 lbs. I'm not even going to worry about it anymore. I was just meant to be fat.

Then Dave and I got into an argument last night over the phone. One day he's saying he wants us to be friends, that he doesn't want to lose the friendship..then last night he's saying we can be "friendly" for the boys' sakes. Tells me one minute that I can always talk to him and then tells me last night that I can't always cry on his shoulder. Then what really did it for me was "we're divorced, there is nothing left between us except for the kids." Guess he put my in MY place. So pretty much I have just been acting like an idiot this whole time. Trying to be friends. So that's fine...we will only talk about the kids. But he better live by that as well. He calls to make sure the kids were up for school this morning and tells me that he called off work today, because his stomach has been hurting all night. I know that he expected me to say I'm sorry or I hope he feels better soon, but I didn't. I was just like "oh." That wasn't about the boys..so guess I don't have to address it.

I'm going to the courthouse this monrhing and responding to the parenting plan. If they go with his plan, we will get even less child support than we do now. He said he would pay the same amount and the extra (up to $400) he will give to me. Yeah RIGHT. Will believe that whe I see it.

I'm sooo tired today and have no reason to be.

NEW PICS AND UPDATE

OK...there are some shirts that I shouldn't probably wear because they make me look bigger than I am. The September 2011 photo is one of those!!LOL But anyway..wanted to put an updated pic or two of me up. I have decided to go with the "flat hair" look for awhile and see how that goes. It's a bit weird, because I have always tried for the big "80's hair." My hair has always just been too thin. As I have gotten older...I'm not as concerned as I once was about what people think of me. I still care, but just not as much.

I weighed 310 on Monday.:( I have been exercising every day since then and haven't been eating as much, but I'm still around the same.:( I know muscle weighs more than fat and all and I'm hoping that's it. It's just really frustrating. I don't want to be in the 300's anymore. So I will keep exercising and drinking a ton of water and hopefully that will eventually get me down to where I want to be.

As for Dave...he got all teary-eyed and said that he doesn't want to give up the friendship. Said he was sorry for sending the certified letter. That I can get ahold of the court and tell them that we will sit down and figure it out ourselves...well he should have done that before he did all this other crap. I don't understand him at all.

Phillip has been saying that he wants to kill himself.:( He cries most nights, because he doesn't want his dad to move. The other two are upset as well, but don't show it like Phillip does. So I'm the one who has to try to comfort him and tell him that things will be OK. When I don't even know for sure that they will be. I texted Dave and told him about how upset Phillip is and, of course, he didn't text back. Phillip says he has tried to tell Dave how he feels, but that he won't listen and just ignores him. Dave is putting his happiness before his kids' happiness and he can't tell me otherwise. His priorities are screwed up if you ask me. But he will deny that they are.

I spent last weekend with Jason. He stayed over at my place. I know, I know...but he is a cool guy and I think he just wants someone to hang out with. He totally loves Kelly. I hope that she comes back. They belong together. The boys were with Dave last weekend. I don't have guys around my kids...as I have said before.

Then I met this guy on Wednesday (Jack) and we hung out for a bit. Hooked up and then went to lunch. That's all it was..was a hook up. He lives 3 hours away and drove all that way for a HOOK UP. Guys are sooo strange.LOL We had talked a bit before then...but haven't talked since. It just wasn't all that. He's a cool guy and all and we got along, but it just wasn't there. I can't seem to stop what I'm doing.:( I know I'm an adult and we all have to take responsibility for our actions...I just feel out of control. I don't know where my morals and everything have gone.:( I hesitate to even write about this stuff, because I know that people will judge me, but I figure that I might as well be honest. At least on here. I'm certainly not in "real life." I lie to myself more than I lie to anyone else..but I still lie to people to an extent.

PANICKY....

I don't know what my problem is tonight, but I can't "calm down." I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I don't have anyone to talk to and I think that's making it worse. I want to call or text Dave..even though he's asleep. He could always calm me down. Now that's gone. I'm alone. Always. People around me and still alone. It makes me sick to think about. What am I going to do? Who am I going to turn to? I just feel like screaming. I have more to say on this blog..but I can't even concentrate right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in my own skin or something, if that even makes any sense.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” -Orson Welles.

SHOCKED....

OK, I have been separated since August 2009 and divorced since December 2010. Dave(ex) and I have our differences, but we basically get along now and have a friendship of sorts. We usually get along unless I want to talk about something serious...such as money. His gf, Gracie (whom he left me for) lives in Denver..which is about 3 hrs away. He has been going to see her on weekends when he can for the past two years...while he lives here with his sister. He has a good job with the state here and also wanted to be close to the kids. I admit, that I DON'T like Gracie at all. For numerous reasons. I don't want our kids around her. Phillip (oldest) goes with Dave usually and even that was hard at first. But she has kids around our kids' ages and he likes to go up there. He's 13 and I feel that he can make his own choices. I don't "allow" the younger two to go. They are 9 and 7. They don't want to go usually anyway. They are still "mommas' boys." It won't always be that way, but for now, it is. Which I love.:) Dave has been living rent free with is sister for the past two years. Last month, she told him that she wants $300 a month for rent. This made him decide that moving to Denver would be a better idea. He can't just up and leave, because first he has to put in a transfer from his job. I don't know how long that will take or anything, but I'm hoping awhile. Getting to the point here...LOL. Yesterday I was at my moms'..I get my mail there. She hands me a certified letter that came and it was from DAVE. He NEVER said anything about that, even though we talk every day and were pretty much getting along. It was a revised parenting plan. Since he's moving, he had it revised...he wants the boys up there with him and HER every other Christmas, every other Spring Break, 4th of July, 3 weeks in the Summer (though it doesn't have to be consecutive) and all weekends if he's able to come down and get them. WTF???!! I told him how I felt about the younger two going up there. I told him that he could come down here and see them until they're a little bit older, but that they would have a hard time being away from me at night. My middle one, Dominic, is a nervous child. He likes routine. So is he going to force them to go?? I have no idea. He will be working some while they are up there, so they will be alone with Gracie and her kids for hours at a time. I'm NOT comfortable with that. He may trust her, but I don't. In that house, there are 8 people! It will be 9 with Dave. I think it's crazy. There's Gracie, her 3 younger kids, plus her 23 year old daughter and HER 3 kids..the oldest is like 4. I don't think that's the best environment for my kids. I'm their mother and I think that I should have a say in it. I'm SOOOOO mad. He could have given me a heads up. Let me know at least that he was going to do that. Yes, I would have still been upset, but at least I wouldn't have been blind-sided. Yes, I feel betrayed. I don't care if that's wrong or not. His friendship has meant a lot to me. I haven't been able to let that part go. I may have given up my husband, but I didn't want to give up my best friend. It's hard for me not to talk to him at least once a day. I know that he doesn't need the friendship like I do, but after 13 years of marriage...I don't know how to let that go. It makes me sick to think about. But I can't even trust him a LITTLE now. How am I going to do this? I told him that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything anymore, because he could use it against me at some future date. He said he would never do that and that we can still be friends. Well how do I do that after he's done this? I have thought about HIS feelings and have let a couple of things slide these last months. He was court ordered to pay half the maintenance on the house thru March 2012. He was supposed to get his Air Force life insurance ($200,000) reinstated by LAST March. He hasn't done ANY of it. I'm $1,000 behind on the water bill, because I had all of the other bills to pay every month. He owes at least half of that. I was going to try to start making payments on it, but got a letter saying if I don't pay the FULL AMOUNT by October 20th, that they will be a lien against my house. Well the mortgage company is finally helping me so I don't lose my house, but it says in the papers, that they can't help me if there is a lien against the house!:( So I don't know what I'm going to do about that. If the mortgage company decides not to help me, then my house goes up for auction on December 21st! I have no place to go. I let the life insurance thing slide for so long because he said he would get it done. Well he hasn't. Probably because he doesn't want ME to get any of it in case something happens to him before the youngest is 18! I'm like "seriously??" It's for the KIDS! I STILL don't want to get him into trouble..even after all of this. But since he started it, should I go to the court and tell them that he hasn't been doing what he's been court ordered to do? I told him that we're going to end up hating each other because it's probably going to get ugly. He said he doesn't want it to get ugly and that he'll never hate me. I'm just sooooo upset.;( The depression has been kicking my ass again lately...feel like sleeping all the time and don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel good. I'm sad, angry, stressed out. Now it's going to be like first getting divorced all over again. Didn't think that I would make it thru that, but I did...after a lot of pain, a lot of tears. But then I had his friendship and he was still in the same town. Now he's leaving (it's like he's leaving me all over again). I have to get used to him being gone..not seeing him every day, not talking to him every day. He said that he'll text me and we can still be friends. Yeah like she's going to allow that. Besides, with him, I believe it'll be "out of sight, out of mind." Plus now I can't trust him not to do underhanded things. So now I have to try to let the friendship go too and it makes me sick. I have to force myself not to call him, not to text him, not to tell him what his going on in my life. How do I do that? How am I going to get thru the pain AGAIN?? I just feel like giving up. Isn't it supposed to get better? It's been two years...there has been happy moments...but has things gotten "better?" Not a lot. Maybe it'll take another 2 years, maybe 5..10?? I don't know. But can I stick around for all of it? How much pain am I willing to take? Some days I don't think I can take it at all. Other days, I'm good. WHO am I going to talk to when I need to talk to someone??:(

Sorry for all the rambling and changing topics in here...just not thinking straight right now.

ANOTHER DAY...

Arturo called me yesterday...it's always sooo weird...I start thinking about him or something and then there he is. Told me he sent me a letter that I should be getting in a day or so. I don't know what to make of it all, but I'm willing to have him in my life.

I weighed today and was still 307. So though I didn't lose any this week..at least I didn't gain any either..which is nice. I just have to work harder at losing it. I started taking 2 diet pills yesterday as well instead of just one and it seemed fine. At least it helps with the appetite. Gives me a bit more energy. I haven't felt good today though. Just a stomach flu or something going around. I don't think it has to do with the pills. Will wait a couple of days and see.

I'm not stressing out about Phillip not calling or texting me last weekend anymore. We talked and he apologized. I WAS angry with Dave though. I just can't let go of the friendship and he says he doesn't want to either. He says he doesn't really know how to be a friend, but that he will try to be better. It's all so confusing. It may be weird that I want to be friends with my ex..but he was my best friend for so many years...and it's hard to let that go.

THE TRUTH!

I was just reading a blog from a totally awesome person. She had got some rude comment, because she had said that she was thinking about having sex for the first time with a guy she had known for 2 months. So then she was afraid of being honest about it. She has lost a lot of weight and feels good about her body, as she should. There is NOBODY out there that can tell a person how to live THEIR life!! Do what you need to do to make you happy. If you are sharing things on a public forum like this one, there will always be people who think they are better than you, are more "moral" than you, who think they are going to Heaven and you're going to Hell. Who are THEY to judge another person???? Did someone make THEM God???? I don't think so. That being said....I have left A LOT of things out of my blogs because of how people might think of me. Either on here or in the small town where I live (in case someone from here stumbles across my blog). But know what??? This is MY blog and MY life and I can do and say what the hell I want to say. I'm still FAT and maybe that's why I do what I do. Another form of self-destruction. Instead of food now..maybe it's sex. I have to deal with that part of myself. Do I feel good about myself?? No, not all the time. Do I feel in control of my life..not most of the time. Sex makes me feel wanted and needed even if for just a little while. To have that connection with another human being. To have someone touch me and desire me, even for just that moment in time. If that makes me a ho, then so be it. I'm not married. I'm not in a relationship. I can do what the hell I want. Have I always been smart about it?? NO. That part, I regret. Will they not want me if I ask them to wear a condom?? So I have to work on that. I don't want some STD and definitely don't want AIDS. I "slept" with a few people before I got married and no I wasn't in a relationship with all of them. I was faithful to my husband for 11 1/2 years...til he decided to bail. In the past two years...I hate to even say it, but I have been with A LOT of guys. It's like I don't have any issue with "sleeping" with a guy that I don't know. Doesn't matter to me. If he calls again, great, if the doesn't...well I expected that. I have become numb to the feelings of love I do believe. That's what I was talking about with Jason. He showed me that I could have feelings again. Yes I'm tired of the FWB thing, but I like sex. The fact that some guys want repeats..well that means I may be doing something "right" or maybe it's just because they know that I'm a "sure thing." Either way, I get what I need...well not always.LOL BUT it's like a drug...I do it, feel good doing it, feel kinda crappy afterwards, am OK without it for a little while and then start jonesing (sp?) for it again. Then it starts all over. I can't even remember all the guys' names that I've been with the past two years. Which sucks really. Sometimes I can't even remember being with them...alcohol does that to you. I always say...OK I'm not going to have sex again until I find someone who really cares about me...but then I'm doing it again. It's like eating...I feel bad after, but can't seem to stop myself. I'm not making excuses. I do what I do. When it comes to going to Heaven or Hell...well it's not anyone here on this Earth that gets to make that call. Thank you for your concern about my soul...but you don't live my life. I don't bring guys to my house. I don't bring guys around my kids. What I do is separate from who I usually am. I'm two different people sometimes. I'm the good mom, the sweet, innocent, shy person that doesn't do anything wrong. But other times..I'm the drinker, smoker of weed (if the opportunity presents itself), the gambler, the whore (if that's what you feel that I am). I have never taken money for what I do. But it's not like I haven't thought about it. What would be the difference? I give it away for free, why not get something out of it for me? But haven't gone that route yet. I would like to think that I never will..but never say never. I HAVE slowed down a bit than what I was doing that first year after my marriage ended. But still having sex with more guys than I should. I know that no guy wants to really KNOW me. That my weight is a hindrance to that. I'm OK to bang, but not OK to be seen in public with. There are a few guys who care about me still..but not enough for a relationship. Yes I guess sex is hooked in with my self-esteem. If that's all the attention that I can get, then that's what I will take. Judge me if you must...but everyone of us has the side of us that we don't want anyone to really know about...and this is mine. Why hide it?? Be who you are.

SO DELUSIONAL....

Well the thing with Jason isn't going to work. I just don't feel right. We hung out again last Wednesday and all...I just feel that him and Kelly belong together and I hope that they can work it out. I will NOT try to come in between two people that I feel need each other. So I may see him at Bingo every now and then, but I don't plan on hanging out with him otherwise. I didn't tell him that yet, but I think it's all good..since neither of us have even talked to texted each other since Wednesday.

As for other guys...seriously..they are all a bunch of jerks. I'm sooo tired of guys wanting nothing but FWB with me. So I'm better off alone, though it sucks sometimes. I would like someone to go to the movies with, someone to go to dinner with, laugh with, etc. But that isn't likely going to happen any time in the near future, so whatever. I have talked to a guy named Sean for over a year..though we stopped briefly earlier this year. I don't feel a great love for him, but we talk and that's fine. I'm not planning on going to Denver just to meet him..how many times have I done that for other idiots?

Arturo...he called me at the beginning of the month..not sure if I said that before or not. Says he wants to get back to the way things were between us..us writing letters, him calling, etc. Well actions speak louder than words. He hasn't called since like the 8th and I haven't gotten a letter from him. Can't trust the guy, so certainly can't go back to "how things were." It's a sad thing because I really fell for him. But he has two things against him...he's a guy AND he's a convict.

Dave (ex) and my oldest went to Denver this weekend to see Daves' ho...sorry girlfriend. Dave texts me and talks to me all the time when he's in town..he still lives here with his sister. I told him that when he goes up there, he ignores me OR treats me like crap. He denied it. This weekend is a perfect example. I have refused to let go of the friendship and he says that he wants the friendship to. Such crap. I texted him yesterday morning because I had to discuss something about the younger two with him and he didn't text back all day. Didn't call to talk to the kids, etc. So I called him last night..he didn't answer, but called back. He said he was sorry but that he didn't get any text. Whatever. He bought Phillip some more stuff up there...always does. But can't seem to buy anything for the other two. I told him that Phillip is his favorite and he denies that too. Well it looks like it to me. Then there's the whole other thing about Phillip. He's 13. I understand he's a teenager. But I do expect him to text me and tell me how things are going. He doesn't have to call. Well he did neither. I told Dave about it and he said "I'm sorry I thought he had been texting you all day. I will talk to him about it tomorrow." Well...it's now like 1:40pm and I haven't heard from either one of them. Dave knows what pisses me off and still does it. It hurts that Phillip couldn't even text me. I texted him last night and asked what was going on...and nothing. So I guess he thinks that since his dad treats me with disrespect, that he can too. So I'm NOT happy. They are coming back today...and I don't want to deal with either one of them. What's the point? I'm pissed off at both of them and I can't pretend otherwise. Not even with Phillip. He'll know that I'm pissed off right away and then he'll be "I'm sorry mom." I'm tired of that crap. He doesn't give a crap...just like his dad. I love Phillip with all of my heart..just like I love the other two, but I'm not going to put up with him treating me like this too. So if he wants to live with his dad and his aunt..then so be it. They will have to figure out how to get him up and to school since they both work in the mornings. They would only really have to worry about Wednesdays and Thursdays considering his aunt his off on Mondays and Tuesdays and they don't have school on Fridays. My mom will kick my ass for that, but oh well. Will see how it goes. If he wants to stay here, he's going to have to start treating his brothers better, he's going have to show me some respect, follow some rules and help around the house. I'm pretty sure he won't do any of those things.

The diet pills...I can take up to 3 a day, but have only been taking one since I'm sensitive to caffeine. Well I think that starting today, I'm going to try 2 and see how it goes. If it turns out bad, I'll go back to one. I weigh tomorrow and will let you know how that goes.

FAT BURNERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE

Well I started taking "VPX Meltdown" on Sept. 20th. Actually, I had taken it a couple of weeks before I went to Wisconsin as well (for a week). I lost 10 lbs in one week then! But there are side effects..some anxiety, sweating, chills, nausea. But in order for it to work, I guess you need at least the sweating and chills..though it makes you feel like you have the flu. Which sucks. But if it works, it works, right? I stopped taking it for a week before the Wisconsin trip, because wasn't sure how it would react with the Dramimine that I would need to take on the trip. I had a weird experience when I went out on the 3rd...I don't know if I its because I drank more alcohol than usual (I don't think I did..but could be wrong) or if it was the diet pills and the alcohol was just metabolized differently. Either way, it scared the hell out of me. I couldn't even walk, because things were spinning so fast and that has NEVER happened to me before. I had to call my ex to come get me (he wasn't thrilled) and he had to help me walk. Also embarrassing, because this is a small town and, at one point, I was actually laying outside on the sidewalk with people asking if I needed them to call an ambulance! Needless to say, I will be embarrassed to go out again here!!LOL But seriously, felt like I was going to die. So will just watch the alcohol while I'm taking this pill...just in case. I don't drink that often anyway and I don't go out as much as I used to. I weighed when I first got back from Wisconsin and was 316 lbs...yuck...plus hadn't taken my prescription water pills in like 5 days..and I usually gain about 5-9 lbs of water weight when I miss them. So that was the 20th..when I started taking them again. Today I was 307 lbs. So that is 9 lbs gone...though I know some of it is water. I will take it for another week or two and see what happens. I would like to commit to it for at least a month and then I can see the actual numbers. But have been feeling kinda crappy the past few days..not sure if the diet pill is to blame or not. Guess we will see.

I didn't tell you much about Jason. Well, he's 33 (I'm 42). I really didn't think that I could feel anything for anybody anymore...just a sex thing or if I spent any time with a guy, I was always thinking of other things I had to do or places I need to go and trying to figure out a way to get out of the situation. NOT with Jason. He is amazing. He's taller than me, cute, sweet, funny, not embarrassed to be seen with me in public (hey believe me a lot of guys seem to be), kisses awesome..and the whole time I was with him, I was having FUN. Not wanting to be anywhere else. Well I don't know how HE feels and that sucks. I guess if I don't mean much to him, then at least he showed me that there ARE still guys out there that I CAN care about and have fun with. So I'm grateful for that. But it's a complicated situation. I go to Bingo on Wednesday nights. His mom and GIRLFRIEND, Kelly, go as well. Well his gf...she went back East about 3 weeks or so ago...her 23 year old son was killed by a train along with his best friend (female) when they were drunk and trying to cross the train tracks at night. She tripped and he went back for her. Horrible, huh? I can't even imagine. She also has a grown daughter back there and a 6 month old granddaughter. Well she found out that her daughter is popping pills. So she is going to try to get custody of her granddaughter and is thinking about joining the Army..she's 41. So last Wednesday, I went to Bingo and he was there alone and we get along great. He asked me if I ever went out and I told him I do sometimes by myself but that I hate it. He said that maybe we can hang out sometime. Which shocked me, but made me happy.:) So we went (along with my grown niece...who he knows) to play poker on Saturday night. I sucked. Anyway, I had to give him a ride home after (about 20 miles away). He asked if I wanted to go out first, so we went to a couple of bars and had a couple of shots..him more than me, since I was driving. We played pool, walked around and had fun. He asked if I would consider FWB...I am sooo over that, but said I would consider it for him, because I really like him. He said that him and Kelly had been on a website for awhile for swingers, with no results and asked how I felt about all of that. Well if anyone knows my background..they know that I was on a couple of adult sites myself at one time. So I told him that and he was relieved that I wasn't judging him. He told me that he had even talked it over with Kelly! That he asked her if it was OK if he hung out with me and if something happened, then it happened. She said that was fine. Weird, right? I asked him where is relationship with Kelly was right now, since they have been together for 4-5 years. He said that it has run it's course, that he will always love her, but she may not even come back to Colorado and he doesn't plan on leaving. He has an 8 year old daughter who lives nearby and he won't leave her. He has been married once before and says he won't get married again and that he wouldn't marry Kelly and she knows that. But you know how people say they meet someone and KNOW that they're going to marry that person? That's the way I feel about him. I may be delusional, but that's how I feel. He lives in a remote area that doesn't have the best cell service. So he says not to freak out if I don't get texts from him all the time, but we have exchanged e-mails. He sent me one Sunday night, but not since. I have sent him a couple, but nothing too serious..I just hate the waiting.:( It sucks. So who knows where this will go if anywhere, but I'm hoping that it does. Wish me luck!

UPDATE ON ME:)

Can't believe that it's been so long since I posted on here! Time goes by way too fast sometimes. I turned 42 on August 31st. Still hard to believe that I'm in my 40's!LOL Been doing so so with the weight thing. Have been taking a fat burner a bit and it seems to be helping some. Still have a long ways to go though. I have been walking more again and that has made me feel better. My favorite time to walk is at night...love the stars! Sometimes one or more of my three sons goes with me..if I can talk them into it.:) I went to Wisconsin the weekend of September 16th for a Job Corps reunion. I actually went to Job Corps in Montana back in 1989-1990, but one of the girls, Heidi, has a nice place in Wisconsin, so that's where it was held. Only a few of us showed up this year, but it was sooooo much fun!!! It's beautiful there! The weekend went by too fast though...like it always does. I miss the people and just being able to relax. Looking forward to next year already! Not sure where it will be held next time.

I haven't really been seeing anyone...decided that my life isn't so bad the way it is. I don't need a guy to make it better..though it would be nice to have one around to hang out with from time to time. I have started hanging out some with a guy names Jason..he's 33. He's pretty cool, so will see how that goes. I don't have any expectations.
Arturo called me a week before my birthday and said that he was being transferred...he's at a "better" prison now. They have more freedom. I thought that since he hadn't called in 2 months that he wasn't "allowed" to. Nope...he just didn't call me. But now he said that he wants "to get back to the way we were" and that he's sorry. He's the one that has put the distance up between us. I think he has tried to call a couple of times since then, but I have missed his calls. I can write to him now and he can write to me, but he hasn't and neither have I. I really don't know what to say. Things change when you push people away.

The boys are doing good in school. Even my oldest doesn't give me any trouble about getting up and going to school this year! Thank God! It is usually a pain in the ass getting him up and out. I know he still has issues at school with some people bullying him, but not as bad..or so he says. I plan on keeping an eye on that. He's 13 and 5'11 already!!! Passed me up! Kinda strange to have to look up at your kid!LOL The younger two are doing good as well. I went on a field trip with each of them last week..it was a lot of fun and they were happy that I went.:) I better enjoy that while I can..they won't always want me around!! I wasn't able to go on many field trips with Phillip, because I has the younger ones and I feel bad about that.:(

Dave is now thinking AGAIN about moving to Denver to live with his girlfriend. Whatever. I have finally let go of the fact that I can't control what other people do. If he wants to move that far away from his kids, that's on him. Phillip is upset by it all..but has also decided that he doesn't care (though I know that he does). Phillip has started having panic attacks and anxiety.:( I feel sooo bad..because I have that too and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm going to call a therapist and see if I can get him someone who he can talk to and maybe can help him with it all. Oh, Dave had picked me up from the airport in Denver when I came back from Wisconsin, because I didn't have anyone else to do it and we're still friends. His gf, Gracie, wasn't happy about it. Of course, he didn't tell her until the night before. He doesn't like conflict and so he waited even though I told him not to. So she felt that he had been lying to her. Anyway, I told her that she may have taken my husband from me, but she wasn't going to take away my friend and that was that. I also told her that she SHOULD be worried and should always be. If a guy leaves his wife for another woman, then that other woman should always be concerned that he will do the same to her. She will just have to live with it. Yes I can be a bitch sometimes, but it's true. She may have been upset when he came and got me, but why should I care? They didn't give a crap that I was upset when he left me. I thought we had gotten past all of this BS in May when I met her. Guess not.

That's all for now.:) I will start writing on here more.:) Hope everyone is doing great!!

OVERWHELMED

Saw the doctor about my MRI. He wants to send me to Physical Therapy, so guess will try that for awhile.

I got paid the other day and it goes on my credit card. I went on-line to pay itunes. I owed $38.99. Well I kept getting an error message saying my credit card and billing zip code weren't matching or whatever. So I kept trying like an idiot. Well then I call my credit card to see what is going and all of a sudden I don't have that much money on my card. Why? Because even though it wasn't going thru on my end, it was on itunes!:( I was charged $38.99 ELEVEN times. That's over $400!! So I contacted both itunes and my credit card. Saying that they can have the $38.99, but I want the rest back on my card. I was supposed to hear from itunes within 24 hours, well it's been 48 hours now and I haven't heard I wss sooo pissed that I did something so stupid!! I need that money for bills. The credit card company said that it could take up to 5 days for it to be put back on my account..so on the 8th. itunes BETTER fix this.

My weight hasn't gone anywhere. I haven't lost any, but haven't gained either. I'm pissed off about this. I give up all of the good foods and I don't lose anything. So much for trying. But I will keep trying and will start getting off of my lazy butt and exercise.

A QUESTION...

Ok this may be a stupid question, but why can't I see my "followers?"

LOSING GOOD & BAD

I had my MRI done. They said my brain looks OK, but that I have a bulging disc at C4 & C5 in my neck.:( Guess that would explain why it has hurt so much off and on for over a year. It doesn't hurt all the time, but when it does..gives me headaches and makes me nauseous. I see the doctor again next Wednesday to talk about my options. At least I know what the problem is and can work on it now.

Still doing well on the low carb. I have surprised myself. I weigh again on Monday. I had noticed that I haven't been nauseous in the mornings since I started low carb...which is awesome. Get tired of feeling like crap every morning. But last night, my mom and step-dad ordered pizza and I had 2 slices...my first "slip up" in 10 days. This morning, I'm nauseous.:( I'm just glad that I'm not beating myself up for the pizza. Before, I would just say "fuck it, I've already blew it, so I might as well just eat."

My mortgage company has been trying to work with me, so I wouldn't lose my house. Well I have faxed everything they have wanted me to and was waiting to hear from them. When I didn't, I called them yesterday. The main person I needed to talk to wasn't there and I need to call back on Monday, but the guy I talked to said my house is in foreclosure status!!! My ex is supposed to pay the house payment thru next March and he hasn't been, since I have been trying to get lower payments. We were behind before then. So right now, I'm probably like 8 months behind. The guy I talked to said they will probably give me 3 options. To pay the house off..yeah right..we still owe like $93,000. Option 2: to pay all the back payments that we owe...which would be like $8,000...which I don't have OR do a "short sale." OK, the kids and I have no place to go. I'm on the list for Section 8 housing and have been since last August..I called them in May and I was #41 on the list...I called them yesterday and I'm STILL #41!! So I won't even be up for that for at least another year or so. Rent around here is like $1,000 a month and up. If I can't afford $800 a month in mortgage, I sure as hell can't afford that. I'm kind of freaking. I will just have to wait and talk to them and see what they say, I guess. Hopefully I won't lose this house.

WEIGHT UPDATE

I forgot to put my weight in my last post!LOL I have been doing really good at low carb. This is day 6. It's been a little hard, because I don't have any money until Friday, so I can't buy anything. I can't eat eggs anymore, because they make me sick to my stomach. So I haven't been eating a lot, but when I do, it's low carb. I am now at 305, so I lost 3 lbs this week.:) My 25th year class reunion is next June, so I figure if I can lose at least 3 lbs a week, then I will be able to be around 165 by then. That's pushing it though. I'm just happy with this weeks' weight loss.:) So hopefully next week, I will be 302 or below.

MRI

I'm getting my MRI done in a little while. Kinda nervous about it. Plus I don't like being in enclosed spaces, so that should be interesting.LOL I know that things will be OK.

I didn't tell you in my last post, but my best friend when I was growing up, a girl named Tracy, we were pretty much inseparable. We were always over at each others'houses etc. Her parents were like my second parents. Her dad made life sized statues out of bronze and sold them for quite a bit of money at art sales around the country. They had a place here and one in Florida. Her dad had heart surgery in May and just really never recovered from that and was kept in a medically induced coma. They moved him to a different hospital at the end of June. He died of a heart attack on July 5th.:( It's sad that I didn't get to say good-bye or see him one last time. But I couldn't afford to fly to Florida. Her mom is taking it really hard. There was never much affection in that family when I was there..no hugging, kissing, I love yous, etc. But I know that her parents loved each other and it must be really hard for her mom right now. She's totally lost. Tracy and her husband are planning on taking over the business (if her mom will let her). She can make things out of bronze as well. So I guess they'll be moving to Florida sometime soon. Tracy had lived in Florida for awhile when she was married the first time. Her husband was abusive, so she took her two kids and came back to Colorado. She met a guy here (they are the ones that got married in Vegas last July that I wrote about). Her kids are teens now. I hope everything works out for them. I think this time is good for Tracy and her mom. They have never been close and her mom didn't treat her the best when we were growing up. She was always grounded. Was told that she should get whichever guy she could, because she wasn't pretty enough to get many guys. Her mom didn't want a girl in the first place, she wanted a boy, but Tracy came first. Rodd came later. So she doted on Rodd. Tracys' dad tried to make it up to Tracy by giving her money and things when she needed it. Just a weird situation.

Mike B called the other night..shocked me. So I went and hung out with him Friday night. He's a cool guy, but not my type. He's shorter than me and thin. I feel like an Amazon!LOL Plus he drinks too much and too often.

I heard from one of my 'friends' that some woman here in town was calling me a slut. I don't know what the hell that is about. I sent her a message saying she needed to say it to my face, considering she doesn't even know me. She wrote back and said that she never said any of those things, that HE instigated the talk and that HE called me that. So I don't know who I'm supposed to believe. He wasn't that good of a friend. I don't go out with people in this town for that reason. Go out with someone once and you're fucking everyone.

Then my ex-brother-in-law, Tad...he was married to my youngest sister Cindy at one time. Anyway, he has been a friend for years. I don't feel anything else for him. This isn't a friggin' Springer show. But he's been after me for years now. He says I lead him on...if I'm talking too nice to him or whatever, I guess. So I quit talking to him much, quit answering his texts, etc. Well then on one of the friend sites yesterday, he sends me a question asking how I feel about him and everything.:( I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he KNOWS that I don't feel that way dammit. I don't want to even deal with this. It's ridiculous. He's a nice guy and everything, but not for me. He's just lonely. He has told people in the past that he's in love with me. That's what caused all the problems in the first place. Whatever, ya know?

UPDATE...

Hi everyone!:) I have missed writing here...I have just been lazy. I have a lot to tell you. First of all..my weight is still about the same. Just haven't had the discipline. But then saw a few pics of me...OMG! So am back on low carb..only on 2nd day...but already feel sooo much better! Not sluggish, tired, my stomach doesn't hurt. I have energy! Right now, I want to lose 13 lbs..that would put me at 295 and then go from there. Little goals, ya know? Plus on the 17th, I wasn't feeling very well and at one point couldn't move my fingers on my left hand! So went to the ER. The did a CAT scan on my brain and that came back OK. He said it could just be a pinched nerve, but he couldn't rule out a mini stroke.:( I went to my regular doctor the next day and he wants me to get an MRI done on my head and neck to see if there are any blockages. So that is scheduled for the 25th. Hopefully all is good. So I just feel that I need to lose weight and get healthier. I need and want to be around for my kids.

This hasn't been the best year for my mom and step-dads' health..well my step-dad was OK until earlier this month. First, I will tell you that mom is doing pretty good. She doesn't wear her sling as much. She still has some pain, but probably will for awhile. She goes to physical therapy 2-3x a week. OK, my step-dad...Duke...first went to the hospital by ambulance on the 5th. He couldn't move is leg and was in a lot of pain. Well they said that it's "probably" gout. Anyway, a couple of weeks later..he now has to use a cane and/or walker...the doctor gives him 3 new medications to take. He takes them for the first time on the morning of the 14th. He has a major allergic reaction (though we didn't know that's what it was at the time). He fell in the bathroom, was incoherent, was having a hard time breathing, was sweating. I was down there luckily and called for the ambulance. Went and saw him at the hospital and he looked BAD. They had oxygen on him, he couldn't really talk, was really red, was cold and clammy. He has heart problems as it is, so this didn't help. They kept him overnight and luckily he's OK now. But within a month..well it's just hard to see him having to use a cane! He's 64 and mom is 61. So actually not that old. It freaks me out.

I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but I'm on Tagged.com. It's kinda like a dating site, but really just a friend site. I love it. Anyway, I formed a group on there called "Colorado Friends." There are over 400 members now. Some of us decided to get together for a barbecue on the 16th at a park in Colorado Springs. It went really well. Only about 16 people showed up, but since this was the first one, I'm not too worried about it. We plan on having more in the future. It was cool meeting new people.:) I stayed the night at one of the guys' houses...Ken. Nothing happened! Yep, couldn't really believe it either. Well he's a nudist...so to each his own. I told him it was OK with me if he wanted to walk around his own house naked. Which he did. It was a little strange at first, but then it was no big deal. I kept my clothes on. I'm just not THAT comfortable with my body. He's a cool guy and hopefully we will stay friends, but I don't feel any attraction and I'm pretty sure he doesn't either. Whether it's my weight or not, I don't know. But we all have our preferences.

OK..the guy situation...Arturo called me last month and told me that they were sending my letters back to him! So he wanted to know if I was just denying them. I'm not. So now they won't even let our letters go thru to each other.:( I'm sure his dad had something to do with that. I haven't heard from him in about a month now. Maybe he'll call again sometime, but us not even being able to write to each other...well I guess that part of my life is over.:(
I went to see Ron the first weekend in July. We had an OK time, but he pretty much annoyed me beyond belief. Just a personality clash I guess. I like him and didn't want to "end it." Just wanted to see how it went. Well at one time I did tell him that if he found someone else closer, to tell me. Okay..so on the night of the 14th...he knows my step-dad is sick..he still tells me that he loves me. The NEXT day, I get a text saying that it's over, that he found someone else and he wishes me luck!! WTF???!! I asked how long he had been lying to me and he said he wasn't a liar. I said "you just told me last night that you loved me, so that makes you a fucking liar and you did this when you know how sick my step-dad is, so that makes you an asshole too!" He didn't reply to that. I deleted him from my facebook and tagged pages. His roommate sent me a message on facebook later and said that he had met this girl THAT day and that he actually texted me from the bar while she was sitting right there! Obviously I didn't mean crap to him at all. He told me at one point in the earlier conversation that we could still be friends. I think not! Geez. He didn't even have the balls to call me and break up with me! Total jerk.

I still text Bruce and Chris, but not as much as I should. I'm really bad about calling people or texting.:(

Guess that's it for now...I'm sure that's plenty!!LOL Hopefully taking the boys to Nebraska next month to see their aunt. Talk soon.

HARDER THAN PLANNED...

Losing weight is not for the faint of heart! I tell ya...I really have to work at losing ANY weight now that I'm this age. It sucks. So this week...I'm doing the exercises...as much as I can...and doing meal replacement shakes...high protein. Then when I do eat something, just make sure that it doesn't have that many carbs OR calories. I weighed yesterday and am 305 again. I hate when I don't see a change...or worse when I gain! It's a neverending thing. At least with the shakes, I don't have to worry about how many calories I'm putting into my body. Plus trying to drink a lot of water. At this point in time..my goal is 275 lbs. I'm hoping that I can achieve that as fast as possible..but at least by my birthday at the end of August.

Last weekend wasn't my best weekend..the depression is just kicking my butt again. It comes and goes and is sometimes worse than other times. When it's really bad, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm hanging in there.

Arturo tried to call yesterday, but I wasn't able to pick up. I'm hoping he'll call back today. I just want to see how he's doing. Yes I still love him...which is pretty ridiculous.

As some of you know, I write to prisoners. Some of them have gotten out this year and are in half way houses. One lives in Arkansas. His name is Damon. He's black. He's been a good friend. He says he's in love with me and wants to get married!!! OK, seriously, he's a cool guy. But for one thing, I have never even met him in person. Who knows how we would get along. For another, I just got a divorce and am in NO WAY ready to get married again. Plus, I'm still confused on who I want. I HAVE decided to chill out on the going out and also from sleeping with random people. All that does is leave me feeling empty. I want real love, not just a temporary fix. It's not fair to any of the guys who I've been hanging out with to keep leading them on. Damon..as much as I hate to admit it, I have to think about the whole black/white thing. This is a small town..it wouldn't be easy. Plus I'm not sure how my family would react. I have dated a black guy before, but it was when I was younger and he was from California. I'm still hung up on Arturo. I like hanging out with Ron...but not sure if I see a future with him. Care a lot about Chris (in Vegas), but we have decided that it's unrealistic for us to even think about a relationship..plus he likes someone else and is also "playing the field" it seems. So we have just decided to be friends. Which is hard too, because I had a great time in Vegas, but if it's not there for both people, then there's no chance of it working. Bruce..my first love...lives in Alaska. Not sure if or when I will ever get to see him again. Though I would love to see him and see if "its" still there. So I really don't know who I'm supposed to be with if any of them. I'm just trying to take a step back and take care of myself and my kids. Lose some weight, get my house cleaned up, figure out what's going on in my life now. Yes I would love to have the companionship and the security that a relationship brings, but I don't want to make the wrong choice. If I could have any of them right now, it would be Arturo. But after all that has happened in the past 7 months, that's probably not the best choice.

The weather is beautiful here! I love Summer evenings the best!! Love being able to sit outside under the stars...that has always made me feel better..more calm and not so stressed out about things.

My mom is doing better.:)