If I waited until I felt "good," I would never do anything.
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Sunday, September 30, 2012
WEIGHT
Losing weight is hard...nobody said it was easy..just wish it was as easy as GAINING weight. I have been going for walks & trying to be more active..just need to try harder. Also have been sooo hungry the past few days...just need to chill out. Hope everyone is doing well on whatever it is that you may be working on at the moment.,:)
Monday, September 24, 2012
TODAY I START....
OK..I have had enough of excuses..of believing that I'm just meant to be fat. Tired of not fitting into clothes that I want to fit into. Tired of being the fattest mom at my kids' school activities, tired of being too damn tired to do anything. Tired of being depressed, lazy...just "blah." So today I start kicking ass as far as the weight is concerned. I weighed in at 312 the other day..NOT acceptable. So no carbs...and A LOT more exercise, water, etc. Wish me luck. I have a hard time sticking to this kind of thing..as everyone knows!!LOL
Weekend went good. Just hung out, watched a couple of movies, talked. He told me how much he loves me. But I can tell you this, he's just not all that into sex...I'm hoping that will change. We'll see. I know sex isn't everything, but it's definitely SOMETHING.LOL
We don't have "the kitten" as we have called her for over a year now. :( While I was out of town..Justine (my niece who gave her to us in the first place, found another home for her). I had asked her to do that months ago..but I didn't think anything of it..since she hadn't done anything about it. Then she just comes in & takes her.:( I'm sad...makes me feel a bit sick actually. I didn't even get to say good-bye.;( People who own pets will understand. The boys are doing OK with it..though Matthew is a bit sad.
Weekend went good. Just hung out, watched a couple of movies, talked. He told me how much he loves me. But I can tell you this, he's just not all that into sex...I'm hoping that will change. We'll see. I know sex isn't everything, but it's definitely SOMETHING.LOL
We don't have "the kitten" as we have called her for over a year now. :( While I was out of town..Justine (my niece who gave her to us in the first place, found another home for her). I had asked her to do that months ago..but I didn't think anything of it..since she hadn't done anything about it. Then she just comes in & takes her.:( I'm sad...makes me feel a bit sick actually. I didn't even get to say good-bye.;( People who own pets will understand. The boys are doing OK with it..though Matthew is a bit sad.
FMM: FALL FAVORITES
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
Fall Favorites
1. What is your favorite thing about this time of year? I love the cooler weather..the leaves changing on the trees, the crispness of the air, being able to wear long sleeve shirts & jackets, the smell of wood smoke..this is my favorite time of year!!:)
2. What do you hope to do again before Summer is officially over? I would like to go on a picnic in the mountains before Summer is totally over. We used to go all the time when I was a kid...up until a couple of years ago, we would go quite a bit still..with my mom & step-dad...but haven't been able to much the past couple of Summers.:(
3. When did you last go on a hay ride? I don't think that I have been on a hay ride since I was a kid.
4. What is your favorite pumpkin dish? I don't like pumpkin much...I know..that's horrible.LOL But I would have to go with pumpkin pie.
5. Do you decorate your home for fall? I don't..though it sounds like a good idea.;)
6. Do you have any hobbies that are seasonally specific? If so, what are they? No I don't...such a boring person I am.LOL
7. Apple cider or hot chocolate? I gotta go with both! Love'em!!
8. Are you a fan of football? If so, who is your team? I like pro-football..not much into college ball. I love the Saints!!:)
9. Share a fond Fall memory. Going to high school football games with my dad. Coming home from school & having hot chocolate.
10. It’s not Fall until…It doesn't get above like 70-75 degrees!!LOL
Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions. Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments! Happy Monday!
Friday, September 21, 2012
TOTALLY CALLED IT....
I had told Dave that he didn't want to be with ME, he just didn't want to be alone. Told him that this didn't have anything to do with me & he kept insisting that it did. Well he joined a dating site recently & is now talking to a girl that lives about an hour away. Total turnaround. He's not calling me, texting me...etc. Am I upset about that? Nope...just saying the he proved what I said was true. He was willing to "settle" for me rather than be alone. It's bullshit.
Then OK..I KNOW I'm not in high school anymore & this may sound ridiculous...but one of my best friends from then...Tracy...she is writing a couple of books. One about prostitutes in Colorado (from the old days) & then one about all the tunnels that are under some buildings..so that mayors, businessmen. etc. could visit these prostitutes without getting caught. She's also into paranormal stuff. I would love to go with her on some of these things. She does ask me to come down & go to a movie every now & then, but that's it. She posts of FB how one friend or another & her have gone to these places for her research, etc. She NEVER asks me to go. I'm kind of hurt by this. I would love to do stuff like that. To not even get asked though...that's just messed up.
Phillip is doing better about going to school & just dealing with it for now. So that's cool.
We had to bug bomb my place today..since it's getting colder, the spiders are coming in...YUCK! Even thinkng about them freaks me out!LOL I had to kill like 10-15 within the past couple of days. Just disgusting. So anyway, we put the indoor cat outdoors for awhile. Well my kids about flipped out that I did that. I wasn't too sure about it myself. But she came back last night..even though she was a paiin in the ass to actually get IN the house. We live kind of out in the country a bit...there was a raccoon out there that was being pretty aggressive towards Phillip when we were trying to get the kitten..yes we still call her "the kitten," even though she IS over a year old now.LOL. Just what a person needs...a raccoon with attitude.LOL She eventually ran off.
I'm going to Colorado Springs for the weekend to see JM. I was hoping to go earlier today...but had to wait & get my tires today at 1pm..since they had to order a couple of them. So won't get down there until 5pm or so.:( Rush hour too...so much fun!! NOT!LOL It would be nice to be able to go down there a bit earlier, so I would have some more time with him, but oh well. This seeing him every 3-4 weeks for a couple of days kind of sucks. But it's better than nothing.
Do you remember Vic from the end of April? He wouldn't text me back, call, etc? Well now he's calling & being all friendly again. Took him 5 MONTHS to get ahold of me...now there's relationship material for ya!LOL JK Oh also Arturo..the inmate that I used to go see. I had sent him a letter early last month to see how he was doing, because he had gone up for parole & I just wanted to know how it went. He sends me this letter back saying that he doesn't want me to hate him, but that since I hadn't written him for 2 months (I had pneumonia), that he had found someone else & that she's everything he's ever wanted. Well considering he's been in prison since he was 18..that's not saying much. OK, that was mean..but seriously he used that excuse?? That I hadn't written? When he got mad at me in November 2010...he pretty much stopped writing to me for MONTHS & believe me, it was a lot longer that two. But THAT was OK. It doesn't even matter than he found someone else, since I have been with JM since the end of June. The point is..he could have just said that he found someone else..maybe even written to me first & told me...but not use the excuse that it was because I hadn't written. Take responsibility for your actions, ya know??
Then OK..I KNOW I'm not in high school anymore & this may sound ridiculous...but one of my best friends from then...Tracy...she is writing a couple of books. One about prostitutes in Colorado (from the old days) & then one about all the tunnels that are under some buildings..so that mayors, businessmen. etc. could visit these prostitutes without getting caught. She's also into paranormal stuff. I would love to go with her on some of these things. She does ask me to come down & go to a movie every now & then, but that's it. She posts of FB how one friend or another & her have gone to these places for her research, etc. She NEVER asks me to go. I'm kind of hurt by this. I would love to do stuff like that. To not even get asked though...that's just messed up.
Phillip is doing better about going to school & just dealing with it for now. So that's cool.
We had to bug bomb my place today..since it's getting colder, the spiders are coming in...YUCK! Even thinkng about them freaks me out!LOL I had to kill like 10-15 within the past couple of days. Just disgusting. So anyway, we put the indoor cat outdoors for awhile. Well my kids about flipped out that I did that. I wasn't too sure about it myself. But she came back last night..even though she was a paiin in the ass to actually get IN the house. We live kind of out in the country a bit...there was a raccoon out there that was being pretty aggressive towards Phillip when we were trying to get the kitten..yes we still call her "the kitten," even though she IS over a year old now.LOL. Just what a person needs...a raccoon with attitude.LOL She eventually ran off.
I'm going to Colorado Springs for the weekend to see JM. I was hoping to go earlier today...but had to wait & get my tires today at 1pm..since they had to order a couple of them. So won't get down there until 5pm or so.:( Rush hour too...so much fun!! NOT!LOL It would be nice to be able to go down there a bit earlier, so I would have some more time with him, but oh well. This seeing him every 3-4 weeks for a couple of days kind of sucks. But it's better than nothing.
Do you remember Vic from the end of April? He wouldn't text me back, call, etc? Well now he's calling & being all friendly again. Took him 5 MONTHS to get ahold of me...now there's relationship material for ya!LOL JK Oh also Arturo..the inmate that I used to go see. I had sent him a letter early last month to see how he was doing, because he had gone up for parole & I just wanted to know how it went. He sends me this letter back saying that he doesn't want me to hate him, but that since I hadn't written him for 2 months (I had pneumonia), that he had found someone else & that she's everything he's ever wanted. Well considering he's been in prison since he was 18..that's not saying much. OK, that was mean..but seriously he used that excuse?? That I hadn't written? When he got mad at me in November 2010...he pretty much stopped writing to me for MONTHS & believe me, it was a lot longer that two. But THAT was OK. It doesn't even matter than he found someone else, since I have been with JM since the end of June. The point is..he could have just said that he found someone else..maybe even written to me first & told me...but not use the excuse that it was because I hadn't written. Take responsibility for your actions, ya know??
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
FMM: BLOG STUFF
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
Blog Stuff
1. Have you ever met anyone through your blog that led to an in-person friendship/relationship? No..I don't have a lot of "followers" though do have people who read my blog, but never say anything..unless they're a hater. So I really don't talk to anyone that reads my blog..with the exception of Tim.
2. Most bloggers have a specific niche. What would you discuss if it didn’t seem inappropriate on your blog? I talk about anything that I want to talk about..whether it's "inappropriate" or not.LOL But I used to talk about sex & things a lot more than I do now. I might get back to that eventually. Not really sure.
3. If you could meet three bloggers, who would they be? As everyone knows by now..would definitely pick Tim from "Fat. Boy. Thin." Also would pick Mary G from "A Small Loss" & Cathy from "Living the Dream."
4. If you had to choose between Facebook or Twitter which one would you choose? I have a Twitter account, but never use it. I don't really see the point in it? So definitely would have to say Facebook..it's where I keep up with what's going on with people.
5. Do you vlog (video blog?) No & I wouldn't. I don't need that kind of pressure!!LOL I don't even use Webcam because who wants to see me "live" with an extra 100 lbs that the "camera" adds?? Ok maybe only 10 lbs..but STILL!!;)
6. How many blogs do you read on an average day? I try to keep up as much as I can..so don't follow too many blogs right now. I try to read about 5-6...a few more on Mondays..for FMM.
7. What is the coolest thing that you’ve seen online recently? Pinterest!!:)
8. If you gave your blog a new name what would it be? I really haven't thought about it. The title now seems to pretty much sum it all up.
9. Have you ever attended a blog conference like Fitbloggin? If not, would you?I haven't, but would be willing to. Might be interesting..hell I had never even heard of it until now!LOL
10. In the past I have asked why you blog. Now I want to know why you read blogs? What do you take from it? I read blogs, because basically I'm nosey...JK. I read them because they are somebodys' story & if they are writing it & putting it out there for us to read..then I think that they deserve to have it read, commented on, talked about. I like getting to know people thru their blogs & some of them help me thru whatever I may be going thru.
Now it’s your turn to fill out this week’s questions! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments! Happy Monday!
SO DOWN AT THE MOMENT
I was totally angry earlier..such adrenaline going..when you crash..you crash hard. Guess that's where I'm at right now. I will get into all of that in a minute. I thought I had better friends than I actually do. Yes some were there for me thru my separation & eventual divorce...one or two are still around. But does anyone really make an effort to hang out with me anymore (besides J)? Nope. I have known some people since I was a kid, yet I don't feel comfortable talking to them about anything "too serious." Yet I have known JM for 2 1/2 months & when something is going on, I"m totally stressed out, etc..he's the first one I want to talk to. That's not even normal. Whatever that is. It just made me sad to realize that I don't have a friend that I can totally be myself with anymore.;( A very depressing thing to figure out. JM says he doesn't mind when I vent about the kids, Dave, etc. etc., but I still don't feel right totally dumping it all on him. He says that he's just easy to talk to & I will have to agree with that. I'm going up to see him this weekend. We have talked some about moving in together at some point..if we can find a 5 bedroom place that won't cost an arm & a leg. I think that's on farther down the line though.
I have been sooo tired today..just didn't get much sleep last night. So, right now, I'm extremely tired, but don't feel like going to bed yet. ..though my eyes tell me otherwise. I had some disturbing dreams last night..where I couldn't breathe..guess they were dreams. It actually felt that someone was choking me & I couldn't get them to stop. A scary ass dream. Very realistic. I don't know why that would happen right now. Kinda creeps me out.
I won't be taking vacation any time soon...just don't have the cash. One of my friends lent me a bit of money recently, so I could get caught up on a couple of bills & also to get new tires for my jeep. Will probably get those on Wednesday..will cost me about $477. It's a huge amount, but not as bad as some places. If I could wait til February & income taxes, that would be awesome!!:) But they won't last that long.
Have any of you ever heard of Pinterest.com?? I just "found" it & absolutely love it!! Have spent way too many hours on that!!LOL You can save images or whatever from the internet, that you find interesting, inspiring, etc. If you check it out, let me know what you think.
I didn't go to Pueblo last weekend..feel bad about it..but just couldn't trust my tires to go that far & back. I need to apologize to her(Marsha) for not being able to show up.:(
OK..on to what happened earlier. Phillip didn't go to school yesterday, because he didn't feel good. Now he has looked up on-line schools & wants to do that..the deadline for signing up is the 21st! I had told him before that I didn't like the idea of him doing the internet for school stuff. I must admit though, that I have to cheat sometimes & look!!LOL Anyway, he called or texted Dave to ask him about an online school..after I had told him that it wasn't a good idea. Now Dave is saying that he thinks it's a good idea & that maybe it would be better for him (Phillip) to be able to do something that he would like to do. I listed all the pros & cons..believe me..the cons far outweight the pros. I just don't see Phillip doing his homework on his own...he has a hard enough time as it is. Plus I believe that he needs interaction with other kids his age, whether it be good or bad. I have thought before of taking him out of school & homeschooling him..but I know that neither of us have the discipline for that..& also I'm just not that smart in some things. Another thing that concerns me about him doing school at home..is that he would gain even more weight. He says that he would exercise more...but he doesn't now. I'm not sure yet what the "right" thing to do is. Earlier I was sooooo mad about it..mad about everything going on with Dave, mad that Phillip went "over me" to ask Dave, the fact that I just can't seem to find that "calm, content, peaceful" place inside of myself anymore. It seems like it's always chaotic. So I yelled at Phillip..which I feel bad about..but we later talked & all was good. He will stay in school & I will check out other alternatives for him. I totally yelled at Dave..told him basically stay out of it. Yes he's Phillips' dad & he has some say in the matter. It's just the fact that he's been pretty much stalking me & causing issues there..I don't even know what the hell to do anymore. It's like I'm back at square one with everything. When I get that mad..where I don't know what the hell to do..it feels like my head is going to explode..where I feel like hurting myself..it's hard to talk myself down at times. So I texted JM & asked him to text me & "talk me down" before I did something stupid or that I couldn't take back. He called & we talked for awhile. How can I drag someone else into this mess? If I had known that all of this was going to start up again, I wouldn't have gotten involved with JM in the first place. I had gotten involved with Jayson about 6 months after Dave moved out..that was too soon & there was still too much emotions & crap going on..so I ended up hurting Jayson..I should have not even started a relationship (or tried to) at that time. I thought that everything was "calmer" now & that I would be able to have a "normal" relationship. I found JM & now all of this is going on. How long do I expect him to stay around & put up with everything??:(
Dave had come by yesterday..well Sunday. I had been ignoring his texts & phone calls. I was tired that day, because I hadn't slept well the night before. I had gone to Taco Bell to get me something to eat. Had just gotten home when he started banging on the door..and I do mean banging. It was the same stuff over again. I was being a bitch, because I thought that maybe that's the best thing to do..because being nice wasn't working. I told him that I didn't love him anymore, that it was NEVER going to happen (us getting back together), that he was just annoying the piss out of me & that he was making it so I didn't want to be around him AT ALL. He cried some more, etc. I'm not putting him down. I'm just saying that he needs to STOP. I told him that driving by my house, driving by my moms' house, constantly calling me, texting me, showing up at the park while I'm with J...it's STALKING. He couldn't deny it. Then all of this tonight...he told me that he still had a little hope deep inside of him that we can make it work. What isn't he "getting??" Then after I calmed down some..he asked if maybe we could hook up one more time..or maybe a couple of times a week..he would leave me alone other than that! Geez.
I have been sooo tired today..just didn't get much sleep last night. So, right now, I'm extremely tired, but don't feel like going to bed yet. ..though my eyes tell me otherwise. I had some disturbing dreams last night..where I couldn't breathe..guess they were dreams. It actually felt that someone was choking me & I couldn't get them to stop. A scary ass dream. Very realistic. I don't know why that would happen right now. Kinda creeps me out.
I won't be taking vacation any time soon...just don't have the cash. One of my friends lent me a bit of money recently, so I could get caught up on a couple of bills & also to get new tires for my jeep. Will probably get those on Wednesday..will cost me about $477. It's a huge amount, but not as bad as some places. If I could wait til February & income taxes, that would be awesome!!:) But they won't last that long.
Have any of you ever heard of Pinterest.com?? I just "found" it & absolutely love it!! Have spent way too many hours on that!!LOL You can save images or whatever from the internet, that you find interesting, inspiring, etc. If you check it out, let me know what you think.
I didn't go to Pueblo last weekend..feel bad about it..but just couldn't trust my tires to go that far & back. I need to apologize to her(Marsha) for not being able to show up.:(
OK..on to what happened earlier. Phillip didn't go to school yesterday, because he didn't feel good. Now he has looked up on-line schools & wants to do that..the deadline for signing up is the 21st! I had told him before that I didn't like the idea of him doing the internet for school stuff. I must admit though, that I have to cheat sometimes & look!!LOL Anyway, he called or texted Dave to ask him about an online school..after I had told him that it wasn't a good idea. Now Dave is saying that he thinks it's a good idea & that maybe it would be better for him (Phillip) to be able to do something that he would like to do. I listed all the pros & cons..believe me..the cons far outweight the pros. I just don't see Phillip doing his homework on his own...he has a hard enough time as it is. Plus I believe that he needs interaction with other kids his age, whether it be good or bad. I have thought before of taking him out of school & homeschooling him..but I know that neither of us have the discipline for that..& also I'm just not that smart in some things. Another thing that concerns me about him doing school at home..is that he would gain even more weight. He says that he would exercise more...but he doesn't now. I'm not sure yet what the "right" thing to do is. Earlier I was sooooo mad about it..mad about everything going on with Dave, mad that Phillip went "over me" to ask Dave, the fact that I just can't seem to find that "calm, content, peaceful" place inside of myself anymore. It seems like it's always chaotic. So I yelled at Phillip..which I feel bad about..but we later talked & all was good. He will stay in school & I will check out other alternatives for him. I totally yelled at Dave..told him basically stay out of it. Yes he's Phillips' dad & he has some say in the matter. It's just the fact that he's been pretty much stalking me & causing issues there..I don't even know what the hell to do anymore. It's like I'm back at square one with everything. When I get that mad..where I don't know what the hell to do..it feels like my head is going to explode..where I feel like hurting myself..it's hard to talk myself down at times. So I texted JM & asked him to text me & "talk me down" before I did something stupid or that I couldn't take back. He called & we talked for awhile. How can I drag someone else into this mess? If I had known that all of this was going to start up again, I wouldn't have gotten involved with JM in the first place. I had gotten involved with Jayson about 6 months after Dave moved out..that was too soon & there was still too much emotions & crap going on..so I ended up hurting Jayson..I should have not even started a relationship (or tried to) at that time. I thought that everything was "calmer" now & that I would be able to have a "normal" relationship. I found JM & now all of this is going on. How long do I expect him to stay around & put up with everything??:(
Dave had come by yesterday..well Sunday. I had been ignoring his texts & phone calls. I was tired that day, because I hadn't slept well the night before. I had gone to Taco Bell to get me something to eat. Had just gotten home when he started banging on the door..and I do mean banging. It was the same stuff over again. I was being a bitch, because I thought that maybe that's the best thing to do..because being nice wasn't working. I told him that I didn't love him anymore, that it was NEVER going to happen (us getting back together), that he was just annoying the piss out of me & that he was making it so I didn't want to be around him AT ALL. He cried some more, etc. I'm not putting him down. I'm just saying that he needs to STOP. I told him that driving by my house, driving by my moms' house, constantly calling me, texting me, showing up at the park while I'm with J...it's STALKING. He couldn't deny it. Then all of this tonight...he told me that he still had a little hope deep inside of him that we can make it work. What isn't he "getting??" Then after I calmed down some..he asked if maybe we could hook up one more time..or maybe a couple of times a week..he would leave me alone other than that! Geez.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
THURSDAY
Things are about the same. Dave is always in my face. Calling, texting,..etc. I go to Bingo on Wednesday nights usually, last night he asked if he could go, since he "hadn't been in a long time." I told him it was a free country & he could do what he wanted. He did it to spend time with me. It annoys me. I was texting some while there & he kept asking who I was texting, if it was JM, etc. I was texting him some, but was texting a couple of other friends. I told him that & he actually had the nerve to ask if he could see my phone!! WTF?! Needless to say, I told him hell no. He was grumpy the rest of the night. He cries to me in front of the kids now..which isn't a good thing. But I can't say much, since I used to do the same thing. I want him to be happy..but he has to understand that it's not going to be with me. There have too many things that have happened & been said. Just a few weeks ago..he told me even if Gracie wasn't in the picture, that it wouldn't have worked for us, because he was unhappy. Has told me a zillion times that he's not "in love" with me anymore. I haven't changed..I'm still basically the same person I was when he left me. He wasn't happy with me then...he won't be happy with me now...he just doesn't want to be alone. I have gone to Vegas a couple of times in the past few years & I was talking about it last night some...saying that I need to get away..he's like "so when are we going?" Meaning, when are we going to Vegas together...geez.
I seriously just need to get away by myself for a weekend. I don't know if I could swing it or not..depends on how much it would cost. Would love to have someplace by a lake, so I could just go chill the hell out. I would take my cell phone with me, but just in case of an emergency. Other than that, I wouldn't talk to anyone. That includes JM. I need to figure out what I want to do. I love him & he loves me. I just don't know if that's enough? I want it to be. Sometimes I just don't feel that he makes that much of an effort to be with me. He calls & texts some...but the past few days...it's been barely. So I haven't been texting much either. He doesn't feel that anything is wrong. So maybe it's just me. I would just like a bit more attention, I guess. I know...I need too much attention as is!!LOL
I left my ipod outside the other night...didn't know that I did...must have fell out of my pocket. Dominic found it yesterday...after it had rained all night.:( So it's totally ruined. I'm a bit bummed about that. I don't like the new "ipods" they are coming out with now..way too small.
I was going to take the kids to the zoo in Colorado Springs this weekend..still might, but not sure yet. Marsha is having a birthday party in Pueblo for her two younger kids this weekend as well & asked if I wanted to come down. I had asked JM to go with us to the zoo..but he may have to go back to Seattle for the weekend to fill out some more papers. His mom went last Monday to do it & came back the next day. So I'm just not going to ask him again. I wanted him to meet my kids, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen for awhile. I'm supposed to go down to see him next weekend (the 21st). He says he wants to meet my kids...but he doesn't act like it. He always seems to have something going on when I want to do something with him & them. Well not always..he was in Seattle last month when we had gone down to Colorado Springs & hung out.
I'm supposed to be going up to help my mom clean this one ladys' house today that she cleans every week..but I'm running a bit slow this morning.:( I will get there to do it, but since I will be late..she'll be like "never mind." Not in a nice way either.LOL
I seriously just need to get away by myself for a weekend. I don't know if I could swing it or not..depends on how much it would cost. Would love to have someplace by a lake, so I could just go chill the hell out. I would take my cell phone with me, but just in case of an emergency. Other than that, I wouldn't talk to anyone. That includes JM. I need to figure out what I want to do. I love him & he loves me. I just don't know if that's enough? I want it to be. Sometimes I just don't feel that he makes that much of an effort to be with me. He calls & texts some...but the past few days...it's been barely. So I haven't been texting much either. He doesn't feel that anything is wrong. So maybe it's just me. I would just like a bit more attention, I guess. I know...I need too much attention as is!!LOL
I left my ipod outside the other night...didn't know that I did...must have fell out of my pocket. Dominic found it yesterday...after it had rained all night.:( So it's totally ruined. I'm a bit bummed about that. I don't like the new "ipods" they are coming out with now..way too small.
I was going to take the kids to the zoo in Colorado Springs this weekend..still might, but not sure yet. Marsha is having a birthday party in Pueblo for her two younger kids this weekend as well & asked if I wanted to come down. I had asked JM to go with us to the zoo..but he may have to go back to Seattle for the weekend to fill out some more papers. His mom went last Monday to do it & came back the next day. So I'm just not going to ask him again. I wanted him to meet my kids, but that doesn't look like it's going to happen for awhile. I'm supposed to go down to see him next weekend (the 21st). He says he wants to meet my kids...but he doesn't act like it. He always seems to have something going on when I want to do something with him & them. Well not always..he was in Seattle last month when we had gone down to Colorado Springs & hung out.
I'm supposed to be going up to help my mom clean this one ladys' house today that she cleans every week..but I'm running a bit slow this morning.:( I will get there to do it, but since I will be late..she'll be like "never mind." Not in a nice way either.LOL
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
FMM: HAVE YOU EVER?
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
Have You Ever?
1. Jumped out of an airplane? No..but never say never!!
2. Lived alone? Kinda...even when I was living alone at one time...I was still taking care of my grandma who had Alzheimers...so she was at my place a lot..so I have never really felt that I have lived alone. Sometimes I actually regret that.
3. Met a celebrity? No...but Jessica Biels' grandma lives here in town & Jessica has a place not too far from here.:)
4. Said something to someone that you immediately regret saying? Many, many times.
5. Had a manicure/pedicure? Manicure when one of my best friends was in "beauty school" & I was her guinea pig.
6. Gotten a hickey? Yes I have.LOL Kinda cool when you're young..not so much when you're older.:(
7. Owned a pet that was not a dog or a cat? Yes hamsters.
8. Been outside of your home country? I have been to Canada once a long time ago.
9. Kissed your best friend? Yep...
10. Eaten food that fell on the floor? No...yuck. I get a little paranoid about eating things that AREN'T on the floor...so NO WAY would I eat something OFF the floor.
11. Met someone online? Yes a few people
12. Been on TV? Nope
13. Had braces? No I had retainers in Junior High..should have had braces though..at least I would have had to keep those on..instead of taking them out, so people could understand what I was saying..my parents wasted a lot of money on those retainers.
14. Gone skinny dipping? No I haven't...but wouldn't be opposed to it as long as I didn't scare anyone.:)
15. Been to the opera? No never have.
16. Been caught making out by a policeman? No...that would be interesting though.
17. Sung in public? HELL NO!!!!LOL
18. Handed out candy on Halloween? Yes I have.
19. Been snowed in? Yes while living in Wyoming after I was first married..I was pregnant with my oldest at the time, didn't know anyone really & my hubby at the time was "out in the field" since he was in the Air Force. I was freaking out.
20. Fallen in front of other people? Soooo embarrassing! It's like "I MEANT to do that!!"LOL I don't think they believed me.
21. Cheated on a test? No...though people have cheated off me..which I thought was totally stupid considering I didn't know what I was doing half the time either!!
22. Regretted saying “I love you” to someone? I have always meant it at the time I said it. But looking back...a few times I don't think it was really "love." More like infatuation.
23. Finished a meal in a restaurant and realized that you didn’t have your wallet? No Thank God! Have done that in a store though.
24. Shot a gun? Yes but it's been a long time.
25. Heard a song that was written for (or about) you? No...now I feel neglected.:( LOL Unless you count the following song..it COULD be about me!!LOL
Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Don’t forget to come back here and link up in the comments! Happy Monday, friends!
I'M SAD...
I don't know what to do with my life as pathetic as that may sound. If I could do anything what would I do? Run away. That's how I feel right now. Where would I go? I have no idea. Away from here. Away from it all. But I won't...because I have responsibilities...but the lure is there. To just disappear...start over. Be someone, something different. I feel so much pressure here. I love my family...just a lot of stress & drama sometimes. Hard to deal with. I can't deal with Dave right now. I don't even want to. Don't know how to get him to leave me the hell alone. Why even try to get me back?? It makes no sense. He says he loves me, wants me, he's sorry for the past 3 years, he won't ever hurt me like that again, etc. It's bullshit. It has nothing to do with me..even though he insists that it does. He doesn't have any money, he doesn't want to live with his sister anymore, he doesn't want to be alone. THAT's why he wants me back & that's the only reason as I see it. I don't have the feelings for him anymore that I once had. He thinks that we can get all of the feelings back. I don't even want to try. Am I totally happy with my life right now? No I'm not...there are a few things that could be better..that I need to work on. But I wouldn't be happy with Dave. I can say that & KNOW that's true. I don't have any desire for him at all. It makes me sad to see him hurting so much, but I don't know what he expects me to do about it. I just can't be there for him like he wants me to be. He won't accept that.
Then I had posted something on Facebook the other day, how people who have never been fat, don't "get it." That I was tired of people being so shallow. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, I was stating a fact. Dave's nephew, Roger..who I have always got along with..just basically let me have it. Out of nowhere. He NEVER posts on my page...I didn't even know he looked at my posts. His mom & sister are heavy. That's why I don't get where he got off saying what he did. Yes, to say something if you know what you're talking about is one thing..but we see him MAYBE once a year. He doesn't know what's going on in my life, what I do, etc.
Roger: i love u that is why im going say this get off ur ass and do some thing about it then. In sted of tring to eat ur sorows away go for a walk insted of stuffing ur fucking face! And take ur son with u b a positive exampal for him in sted of a nagitive one if u love him u will do this and then u mite to start to love ur self sorry tuff love is supost to hurt . love u
Me: Wow really??? Considering we see you once a year if that...I'm not sure you have any room to say anything. You don't know WHAT I do and you don't bother to ask. So don't go off on me. My sorrows? Are you fucking kiddiing me??? What do you know about my "sorrows?" You are being a total asshole... and I say that because I love you. Don't even talk about my son...a positive or a negative influence??? If I love him I will do this?? Ummmm....maybe you should talk to your uncle about being a positive or negative influence on him..oh wait..Phillip doesn't want anything to do with him...guess it's too late for that. I won't even say anything else about other members of the family..that would start a whole other drama. BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT.
There will always be haters. I get that. But when that someone is a family member that you never had issues with before...I don't know how to take that.
Then I had posted something on Facebook the other day, how people who have never been fat, don't "get it." That I was tired of people being so shallow. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself, I was stating a fact. Dave's nephew, Roger..who I have always got along with..just basically let me have it. Out of nowhere. He NEVER posts on my page...I didn't even know he looked at my posts. His mom & sister are heavy. That's why I don't get where he got off saying what he did. Yes, to say something if you know what you're talking about is one thing..but we see him MAYBE once a year. He doesn't know what's going on in my life, what I do, etc.
Roger: i love u that is why im going say this get off ur ass and do some thing about it then. In sted of tring to eat ur sorows away go for a walk insted of stuffing ur fucking face! And take ur son with u b a positive exampal for him in sted of a nagitive one if u love him u will do this and then u mite to start to love ur self sorry tuff love is supost to hurt . love u
Me: Wow really??? Considering we see you once a year if that...I'm not sure you have any room to say anything. You don't know WHAT I do and you don't bother to ask. So don't go off on me. My sorrows? Are you fucking kiddiing me??? What do you know about my "sorrows?" You are being a total asshole... and I say that because I love you. Don't even talk about my son...a positive or a negative influence??? If I love him I will do this?? Ummmm....maybe you should talk to your uncle about being a positive or negative influence on him..oh wait..Phillip doesn't want anything to do with him...guess it's too late for that. I won't even say anything else about other members of the family..that would start a whole other drama. BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT.
There will always be haters. I get that. But when that someone is a family member that you never had issues with before...I don't know how to take that.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
AN "OVER IT" DAY.....
I'm just not in a good mood today at all. A few reasons. I will explain more in a few. I did end up going to the Homecoming game yesterday...at least until half-time. It was sooo hot out & I was stupid...thought it would be cooler..so wore jean & a long sleeve shirt...even rolling up the sleeves didn't help. Matthew had his aunt come get him a little earlier than half-time, because he was too hot. J didn't end up going...so I rode with Dave...which was a big mistake & I knew it would be. We didn't sit right next to each other at the game, so that was nice...because all the way to the game, he kept trying to talk me into giving us another chance. I get tired of hearing the crap. I don't want to try again with him...not now..not ever. What we had is gone. He made me see that...
Anyway...Phillip & I decided to leave at half-time..couldn't get ahold of anyone to pick us up (since my jeep still wasn't running)..so we walked to moms'...dying of thirst when we got there!!LOL Dave was "sad" that we left. Anyway, him & this other guy that happened to be at Safeway yesterday evening, were able to get the jeep running again..but it still sound really sluggish when you first start it, So will call the "shop" tomorrow & see if they can take a look a it. Just go from there.
Phillip & I went out to eat after we left the game..I used my moms' vehicle...then I came home & took a nap!! Then went back into town...decided to go this Sports Bar we have, since they were going to have a live band. J couldn't go, because she didn't have a babysitter...so decided to go myself..which I hate doing. Drank some...met some cool people who live over by Aspen now & their cool gay guy friends (male)..who are married now. They are from Utah. All were awesome & it was good having someone to talk to. I stayed until maybe 11:30pm..then walked to mom's....though I don't remember much of the walk itself. Yep, I had had a few drinks, plus a few shots. There was a guy there that I have known since high school..we talked some. He's OK, but doesn't talk much...at least not around me. He barely had any teeth left...but I don't judge. It's whatever. I was messing around & asked if he would ever have any interest in me or not...no I wasn't coming onto him..I just wanted his opinion. I already knew what the answer was. He's like "you really put me on the spot." I told him to just answer honestly & that it was no big deal. He said the he wouldn't be interested in me. Duh. Just a test I do sometimes. Makes me feel like crap though. So not sure why I do it. So even a guy with barely any teeth left, wouldn't choose a fat girl.LOL It is pretty funny.
I called JM on the way to moms' & we talked for a bit. He told me today that I said something about "feelings" when were talking & wondered what I met by it..BUT he can't exactly remember what was said. I have no idea what I said either!!LOL I did tell him that I know that most people wouldn't be attracted to me. I am pretty much ignored, even if I do go out with one of my friends. It doesn't matter either way. Fat is fat. Unattractive is unattractive. Some people try to sugarcoat things, but that's all that is.
Have texted JM briefly today. He hasn't texted much, so why bother to text in the first place? Doesn't make any sense to me.
Then Dave won't just shut up & back the hell off. He keeps saying how great it would be for the kids if we got back together..yeah right. That ship has sailed as well. Phillip told me last night that if I got back together with his dad, that he would go live with grandma. So yeah...Dave fucked things up pretty well for himself. He had texted Gracies' daughter yesterday to see how her bowling went (her daughters'), then he gets another text from that guy threatening a restraining order against him if he doesn't back off. So Dave is just having a hard time with things. Though I do think it's pretty pathetic of Gracie to have some guy say shit to Dave that she can't say herself. May put something on her Facebook page about how "brave" that is. Such an idiot.
Not many people know this...,,but don't really care who knows what anymore. When I was 22, I had an abortion..if you have some rude thing to say..go right ahead. I have felt bad for it since it happened. I wonder if it would have been a little girl, what he/she would have looked like, etc. But I didn't really like the guy who got me pregnant..he was OK for the time..but as for long term??? Hell no. He was a bit younger than me. Anyway, the reason I brought that up, was because today was my due date for him/her. They would have been 20 years old.
Anyway...Phillip & I decided to leave at half-time..couldn't get ahold of anyone to pick us up (since my jeep still wasn't running)..so we walked to moms'...dying of thirst when we got there!!LOL Dave was "sad" that we left. Anyway, him & this other guy that happened to be at Safeway yesterday evening, were able to get the jeep running again..but it still sound really sluggish when you first start it, So will call the "shop" tomorrow & see if they can take a look a it. Just go from there.
Phillip & I went out to eat after we left the game..I used my moms' vehicle...then I came home & took a nap!! Then went back into town...decided to go this Sports Bar we have, since they were going to have a live band. J couldn't go, because she didn't have a babysitter...so decided to go myself..which I hate doing. Drank some...met some cool people who live over by Aspen now & their cool gay guy friends (male)..who are married now. They are from Utah. All were awesome & it was good having someone to talk to. I stayed until maybe 11:30pm..then walked to mom's....though I don't remember much of the walk itself. Yep, I had had a few drinks, plus a few shots. There was a guy there that I have known since high school..we talked some. He's OK, but doesn't talk much...at least not around me. He barely had any teeth left...but I don't judge. It's whatever. I was messing around & asked if he would ever have any interest in me or not...no I wasn't coming onto him..I just wanted his opinion. I already knew what the answer was. He's like "you really put me on the spot." I told him to just answer honestly & that it was no big deal. He said the he wouldn't be interested in me. Duh. Just a test I do sometimes. Makes me feel like crap though. So not sure why I do it. So even a guy with barely any teeth left, wouldn't choose a fat girl.LOL It is pretty funny.
I called JM on the way to moms' & we talked for a bit. He told me today that I said something about "feelings" when were talking & wondered what I met by it..BUT he can't exactly remember what was said. I have no idea what I said either!!LOL I did tell him that I know that most people wouldn't be attracted to me. I am pretty much ignored, even if I do go out with one of my friends. It doesn't matter either way. Fat is fat. Unattractive is unattractive. Some people try to sugarcoat things, but that's all that is.
Have texted JM briefly today. He hasn't texted much, so why bother to text in the first place? Doesn't make any sense to me.
Then Dave won't just shut up & back the hell off. He keeps saying how great it would be for the kids if we got back together..yeah right. That ship has sailed as well. Phillip told me last night that if I got back together with his dad, that he would go live with grandma. So yeah...Dave fucked things up pretty well for himself. He had texted Gracies' daughter yesterday to see how her bowling went (her daughters'), then he gets another text from that guy threatening a restraining order against him if he doesn't back off. So Dave is just having a hard time with things. Though I do think it's pretty pathetic of Gracie to have some guy say shit to Dave that she can't say herself. May put something on her Facebook page about how "brave" that is. Such an idiot.
Not many people know this...,,but don't really care who knows what anymore. When I was 22, I had an abortion..if you have some rude thing to say..go right ahead. I have felt bad for it since it happened. I wonder if it would have been a little girl, what he/she would have looked like, etc. But I didn't really like the guy who got me pregnant..he was OK for the time..but as for long term??? Hell no. He was a bit younger than me. Anyway, the reason I brought that up, was because today was my due date for him/her. They would have been 20 years old.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
JUST CHILLIN'
OK....I don't think I'm supposed to write a blog entry today!! Seriously..I have started on this twice..actually finished it once...then it erased itself both times! I'm getting annoyed.LOL So let's try this AGAIN.
Jules, thank you for your comment.:) I will definitely look into reading the books that you mentioned.:) I need all the help I can get!!LOL
It's beautiful out today! The Homecoming Football Game is today at 1. I may go to it with J & the kids. They have a new high school here now & a new football field, so will be nice to see it. Dave is taking Matthew..so I'm sure he will sit by us. I have told him repeatedly that it's not going to work. He texted me some last night, wanting me to think about getting back together. I said something like "Been there, done that, won't do it again. I want to be happy & that won't happen with you." I hate being so mean, but he just doesn't get that he just can't come back. Too much has happened in the past 3 years. Too much has been said. He wouldn't be happy with me either. He's just willing to settle for me, so he won't be alone. I don't want to be in a "realtionship" like that.
JM called me last night & again this morning...:) I mention this, because this is different behavior for him. I love it, but am not used to it. We talked for over an hour each time, which was nice. So all is going good. I try not to need so much attention..some days are easier than others. Just have to let life take you where you're supposed to be...which isn't always easy for me to give up that control. But I'm working on it.
My jeep is dead.:( It had been acting weird for awhile now..like the battery was going to go out. I had to go to Safeway yesterday & it wouldn't start when I came out, so that's where it is now.:( My step-dad came down to start my jeep yesterday & it wouldn't do anything. Dave took it upon himself & somebody from Auto Zone, to take my alternator out last night so they could test it today. I hope that it's nothing too serious or too expensive. I was just getting ready to shell out $500 for the tires...good thing I waited, I guess. One of my friends is loaning me a decent amount of money to get caught up on a lot of things, plus get the tires. I'm sooo thankful for that & grateful. Then I will just pay her back every month until it's paid up. She is being a life saver. I know that I have gotten myself into my own mess...but will now get out of it & stay out of it.
Jules, thank you for your comment.:) I will definitely look into reading the books that you mentioned.:) I need all the help I can get!!LOL
It's beautiful out today! The Homecoming Football Game is today at 1. I may go to it with J & the kids. They have a new high school here now & a new football field, so will be nice to see it. Dave is taking Matthew..so I'm sure he will sit by us. I have told him repeatedly that it's not going to work. He texted me some last night, wanting me to think about getting back together. I said something like "Been there, done that, won't do it again. I want to be happy & that won't happen with you." I hate being so mean, but he just doesn't get that he just can't come back. Too much has happened in the past 3 years. Too much has been said. He wouldn't be happy with me either. He's just willing to settle for me, so he won't be alone. I don't want to be in a "realtionship" like that.
JM called me last night & again this morning...:) I mention this, because this is different behavior for him. I love it, but am not used to it. We talked for over an hour each time, which was nice. So all is going good. I try not to need so much attention..some days are easier than others. Just have to let life take you where you're supposed to be...which isn't always easy for me to give up that control. But I'm working on it.
My jeep is dead.:( It had been acting weird for awhile now..like the battery was going to go out. I had to go to Safeway yesterday & it wouldn't start when I came out, so that's where it is now.:( My step-dad came down to start my jeep yesterday & it wouldn't do anything. Dave took it upon himself & somebody from Auto Zone, to take my alternator out last night so they could test it today. I hope that it's nothing too serious or too expensive. I was just getting ready to shell out $500 for the tires...good thing I waited, I guess. One of my friends is loaning me a decent amount of money to get caught up on a lot of things, plus get the tires. I'm sooo thankful for that & grateful. Then I will just pay her back every month until it's paid up. She is being a life saver. I know that I have gotten myself into my own mess...but will now get out of it & stay out of it.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
THURSDAY
The more I tell Dave to back off & chill the fuck out, the worse he gets. Won't listen to me AT ALL.
"Tam please, I know we can be happy again." I'm like NO!! He just won't listen. I told him he was bordering on stalking, he doesn't think so. He's like "well you wouldn't leave me alone" (when he was like up in Denver with Gracie in the past)...I told him that was wrong of me...hindsight is 20/20...but that I wasn't calling and/or texting him every 5 minutes either. Cathy..I totally agree with you that I should only meet him in public from now on if that.
I took mom to Frisco yesterday..about 90 minutes from here. She had to get an injection in her back. She has had to do that every couple of years...this is only her 2nd time. He discs aren't good & can cause her serious pain. I hope it helps like it did last time. It was a nice drive..the leaves are already changing up there! Very beautiful!
Going to lunch with J today...will be nice to just hang out with her & talk some. We don't hang out as much now that school has started. Which is weird...think we would hang out more without the kids being around constantly!!LOL
JM & I talked some last night. Everything is good. I just need to stop pushing him away. That's what it feels like I'm doing...being a bitch sometimes for no reason. I'm afraid of losing him, yet I'm the one who is making things difficult. I don't understand what my problem is. We are getting along really well except for sometimes when I'm like "you don't care as much as I do," "I need more attention," etc. Why do I need more of everything????
"Tam please, I know we can be happy again." I'm like NO!! He just won't listen. I told him he was bordering on stalking, he doesn't think so. He's like "well you wouldn't leave me alone" (when he was like up in Denver with Gracie in the past)...I told him that was wrong of me...hindsight is 20/20...but that I wasn't calling and/or texting him every 5 minutes either. Cathy..I totally agree with you that I should only meet him in public from now on if that.
I took mom to Frisco yesterday..about 90 minutes from here. She had to get an injection in her back. She has had to do that every couple of years...this is only her 2nd time. He discs aren't good & can cause her serious pain. I hope it helps like it did last time. It was a nice drive..the leaves are already changing up there! Very beautiful!
Going to lunch with J today...will be nice to just hang out with her & talk some. We don't hang out as much now that school has started. Which is weird...think we would hang out more without the kids being around constantly!!LOL
JM & I talked some last night. Everything is good. I just need to stop pushing him away. That's what it feels like I'm doing...being a bitch sometimes for no reason. I'm afraid of losing him, yet I'm the one who is making things difficult. I don't understand what my problem is. We are getting along really well except for sometimes when I'm like "you don't care as much as I do," "I need more attention," etc. Why do I need more of everything????
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
FEELING CRAZY.....
I don't know how much more of this I can deal with. Dave is being ridiculous. First he's begging Gracie to get back with him...then when he was texting her last night, a guy texted him & told him to back off, that Gracie was with him now & to leave her alone. So now Dave totally is in "get back with Tammy" mode. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. He tells me to break up with JM, that it won't work anyway, that long distance relationships never do, that the boys would be happy if we got back together (Phillip told me not to be stupid). He says that he's sorry for messing things up & being a jerk. I just don't have any feelings towards him anymore. Then today.,,I KNOW better than to be at my house alone when he wants to come by & talk. I told him that we could meet in public...but he didn't want to "cry in front of people." So I told him that he could come over & we could talk, but that he needed to keep his hands off of me. Needless to say, he didn't. I had to actually demand that he stop trying to kiss me & pressure me into more. He was "but I love you, I need you," Finally I told him that he had to leave. He told me to think about what he said. Every time he brings the boys down to my moms' after school or on weekends....since I don't want to be at home when he comes by...he's constantly telling the boys to come in & get me because he needs to talk to me. Him pressuring me...it brings back unpleasant memories of things that happened when I was a kid...was molested by a couple of male cousins. One was a bit "off," so I have forgiven him over time..but the other one had no excuse. He doesn't live around here anymore..but when I DO see him, I still get that disgusted feeling...that's how I have started feeling around Dave. I put negative feelings & emotions into the back of my mind when I was a kid, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. This is bringing back all sorts of horrible memories that I would still rather not deal with. I actually feel trapped. Feels like my head is going to explode or something. I feel like shooting myself (which I wouldn't do) or running away..but what would that solve? Besides, I wouldn't leave my kids. When things calm down a little...which is hardly ever it seems...& I start feeling a little more calm...then something else happens to shake things up again.
Monday, September 3, 2012
MY WEEKEND
OK...where to start...LOL. Ummmm....well on the morning of the 29th, JM said to text him when I got up so he could call me. So I did that. He's always been honest with me. He told me that he had been thinking a lot the past couple of days & that he only had "friend feelings" for me. I was devastated. I really didn't know what to say. I had asked him numerous times over the past the month or so if he just wanted a friend thing. He always assured me that he wanted more & felt more. So I was upset AND pissed at the same time. He said he was sorry & that he still wanted me to come down for the weekend & hang out. I told him I didn't know if I would be doing that or not. He asked if I would text him later that day & I told him that I didn't know...that maybe I would. I don't need more friends. I'm not saying that I have a million friends. That is just not what I'm looking for, especially with him. I'm totally into him. Can't see just being friends. So we hung up & I texted him, told him that I wished him the best. At that time, I was going to just "let go," even though it would be really hard for me to do so. He texted me right back, said that it hit him like a truck when I said that I MIGHT text him later. He said he didn't know that he loved me as much as he does, that he doesn't want me out of his life & that his heart actually hurt when he thought that he wouldn't hear from me again. He told me to please come down for the weekend. So I ended up going on the 30th and staying until the 2nd. I'm a different person when I'm with him. I'm calm, rational, happy. I know..hard to believe that I can be rational & not just a psycho bitch all the time.LOL We talked a lot, watched movies & just hung out. My birthday was nice.:) He got me a card & 4 books. I LOVE to read! Also a piece of cake.:) I have never held back in this blog...though I have seriously toned it down the past few months. I don't like being judged...but hell this IS MY blog...so I should be able to say whatever it is I want to say, right? Yes we had sex once. I thought it was pretty amazing. Now...I think I may have told you this before...but he had told me that he just isn't as sexually attracted to me as he used to be at the beginning...actually I don't know if he has ever been totally attracted to me in that way. I asked him if it was the weight thing & he said it wasn't..that he's not sure what it is. Well you have to have SOME attraction if you're going to be in a relationship..it's just the way it is. I thought it was all good now....though we didn't do much after that..I'm thinking maybe he just did it because it was my birthday? Anyway...I texted him after I left & asked if he was more attracted to me now or the same as before. He says "maybe a little more." I can honestly say that does NOT make me happy.:( Yet he says he loves me & doesn't want me out of his life. Geez. At this point in time...I have no idea where this will go. I love him A LOT & am "in love" with him. I haven't felt that for a long time. I don't want to lose that...but also don't want to settle for less than what I want, if that makes sense. He says that what he feels for me is more than friendship...so will just take that for now.
OK.....now where Dave is concerned...OMG. Gracie is done with him. He is a mess. Has begged & pleaded with her basically, but she says her feelings have changed. He doesn't have anyone to talk to, he cries all the time...so guess who he texts a million times a day...yes ME. Then he's upset if I don't text back. While I was gone for those 4 days..he called me at least 100x!!! I didn't answer. Though I did call him back a couple of times to see what the hell. I have never known him to be like this. He reads me all the texts that have gone between them..in which he tells her that he's never been happy until her, that theirs is a once in a lifetime love, etc. I'm thinking to myself...WHY are you telling me this stuff???? I must have meant shit to him for all the years we were together. Then I get back yesterday & he wants to meet & talk..which is Davespeak for "let's fuck." Sorry to be so blunt. NO WAY. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I have told him that how he feels now..is how I felt for a long time after he left me, but that he didn't want to hear it, didn't want anything to do with me, etc. Yet he expects me to listen to him. Then to top it all off....last night..he asks "what about me & you?" I'm like what about me & you? He said "about us getting back together?" NO automatically came out of my mouth. WTF??? After everything that has been said, done, etc...he actually thinks that we can just forget all that & go back??? I'm his last resort, because he doesn't want to be alone. I'm NOT going to settle for that. I love JM. He also asked me if I was "in love" with JM & when I said that I was, he was pissed. I just don't get it. I feel that he is being "stalkerish" if that's a word. I'm finding it very hard to deal with him at the moment. He blames me for the break up of him & Gracie. Yes I was a total bitch & sometimes a bit psycho myself...but I was being selfish. No..I'm NOT taking all the blame...but I should have just let him be happy. I have never seen him so miserable. He tells me that he should have just stood up to me & moved up to Denver years ago to be with her. He has crossed the line a couple of times the past couple of weeks...as far as trying to get me to sleep with him, etc. I told him that he needs to chill the hell out. I DON'T want to get him for harrassment or worse. He would lose his job...he needs that job..has been at it for 12 years & I need the child support.
I have decided that I need to get my life together. I need to get my house cleaned up totally....I could ALMOST be on that show "Hoarders." I just can't deal with all the junk anymore. I need to get a part-time job, so I have more money for things & maybe actually be able to save some. I need to figure out if I want to stay here or move somewhere else within the next couple of years. I need to lose this weight. About my weight..I was totally surprised to see the scale this morning! I have pretty much stayed what I was. What's shocking about that is...is I hate a bunch of junk over the weekend. Sugar, carbs, etc. Not much protein was in sight. So I'm happy that I didn't gain like 10 lbs.! Now to get down into the 290's this month!!
I went to Cripple Creek yesterday (gambling town) on my way home...BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!!! I spent WAY TOO MUCH MONEY. Now I'm totally screwed on some bills this month. I haven't gambled in a long time, except for Bingo every now & then. I'm totally disgusted with myself. I just can't put myself in that position ever again, because I can't control it. I feel horrible...panicky. As I should. I'm a crappy person sometimes.:(
On the plus side...I AM feeling a bit better finally!!!:) THANK GOD!! I have been sooo tired of being sick.
OK.....now where Dave is concerned...OMG. Gracie is done with him. He is a mess. Has begged & pleaded with her basically, but she says her feelings have changed. He doesn't have anyone to talk to, he cries all the time...so guess who he texts a million times a day...yes ME. Then he's upset if I don't text back. While I was gone for those 4 days..he called me at least 100x!!! I didn't answer. Though I did call him back a couple of times to see what the hell. I have never known him to be like this. He reads me all the texts that have gone between them..in which he tells her that he's never been happy until her, that theirs is a once in a lifetime love, etc. I'm thinking to myself...WHY are you telling me this stuff???? I must have meant shit to him for all the years we were together. Then I get back yesterday & he wants to meet & talk..which is Davespeak for "let's fuck." Sorry to be so blunt. NO WAY. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I have told him that how he feels now..is how I felt for a long time after he left me, but that he didn't want to hear it, didn't want anything to do with me, etc. Yet he expects me to listen to him. Then to top it all off....last night..he asks "what about me & you?" I'm like what about me & you? He said "about us getting back together?" NO automatically came out of my mouth. WTF??? After everything that has been said, done, etc...he actually thinks that we can just forget all that & go back??? I'm his last resort, because he doesn't want to be alone. I'm NOT going to settle for that. I love JM. He also asked me if I was "in love" with JM & when I said that I was, he was pissed. I just don't get it. I feel that he is being "stalkerish" if that's a word. I'm finding it very hard to deal with him at the moment. He blames me for the break up of him & Gracie. Yes I was a total bitch & sometimes a bit psycho myself...but I was being selfish. No..I'm NOT taking all the blame...but I should have just let him be happy. I have never seen him so miserable. He tells me that he should have just stood up to me & moved up to Denver years ago to be with her. He has crossed the line a couple of times the past couple of weeks...as far as trying to get me to sleep with him, etc. I told him that he needs to chill the hell out. I DON'T want to get him for harrassment or worse. He would lose his job...he needs that job..has been at it for 12 years & I need the child support.
I have decided that I need to get my life together. I need to get my house cleaned up totally....I could ALMOST be on that show "Hoarders." I just can't deal with all the junk anymore. I need to get a part-time job, so I have more money for things & maybe actually be able to save some. I need to figure out if I want to stay here or move somewhere else within the next couple of years. I need to lose this weight. About my weight..I was totally surprised to see the scale this morning! I have pretty much stayed what I was. What's shocking about that is...is I hate a bunch of junk over the weekend. Sugar, carbs, etc. Not much protein was in sight. So I'm happy that I didn't gain like 10 lbs.! Now to get down into the 290's this month!!
I went to Cripple Creek yesterday (gambling town) on my way home...BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!!! I spent WAY TOO MUCH MONEY. Now I'm totally screwed on some bills this month. I haven't gambled in a long time, except for Bingo every now & then. I'm totally disgusted with myself. I just can't put myself in that position ever again, because I can't control it. I feel horrible...panicky. As I should. I'm a crappy person sometimes.:(
On the plus side...I AM feeling a bit better finally!!!:) THANK GOD!! I have been sooo tired of being sick.
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