Losing weight is not for the faint of heart! I tell ya...I really have to work at losing ANY weight now that I'm this age. It sucks. So this week...I'm doing the exercises...as much as I can...and doing meal replacement shakes...high protein. Then when I do eat something, just make sure that it doesn't have that many carbs OR calories. I weighed yesterday and am 305 again. I hate when I don't see a change...or worse when I gain! It's a neverending thing. At least with the shakes, I don't have to worry about how many calories I'm putting into my body. Plus trying to drink a lot of water. At this point in time..my goal is 275 lbs. I'm hoping that I can achieve that as fast as possible..but at least by my birthday at the end of August.
Last weekend wasn't my best weekend..the depression is just kicking my butt again. It comes and goes and is sometimes worse than other times. When it's really bad, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm hanging in there.
Arturo tried to call yesterday, but I wasn't able to pick up. I'm hoping he'll call back today. I just want to see how he's doing. Yes I still love him...which is pretty ridiculous.
As some of you know, I write to prisoners. Some of them have gotten out this year and are in half way houses. One lives in Arkansas. His name is Damon. He's black. He's been a good friend. He says he's in love with me and wants to get married!!! OK, seriously, he's a cool guy. But for one thing, I have never even met him in person. Who knows how we would get along. For another, I just got a divorce and am in NO WAY ready to get married again. Plus, I'm still confused on who I want. I HAVE decided to chill out on the going out and also from sleeping with random people. All that does is leave me feeling empty. I want real love, not just a temporary fix. It's not fair to any of the guys who I've been hanging out with to keep leading them on. Damon..as much as I hate to admit it, I have to think about the whole black/white thing. This is a small town..it wouldn't be easy. Plus I'm not sure how my family would react. I have dated a black guy before, but it was when I was younger and he was from California. I'm still hung up on Arturo. I like hanging out with Ron...but not sure if I see a future with him. Care a lot about Chris (in Vegas), but we have decided that it's unrealistic for us to even think about a relationship..plus he likes someone else and is also "playing the field" it seems. So we have just decided to be friends. Which is hard too, because I had a great time in Vegas, but if it's not there for both people, then there's no chance of it working. Bruce..my first love...lives in Alaska. Not sure if or when I will ever get to see him again. Though I would love to see him and see if "its" still there. So I really don't know who I'm supposed to be with if any of them. I'm just trying to take a step back and take care of myself and my kids. Lose some weight, get my house cleaned up, figure out what's going on in my life now. Yes I would love to have the companionship and the security that a relationship brings, but I don't want to make the wrong choice. If I could have any of them right now, it would be Arturo. But after all that has happened in the past 7 months, that's probably not the best choice.
The weather is beautiful here! I love Summer evenings the best!! Love being able to sit outside under the stars...that has always made me feel better..more calm and not so stressed out about things.
My mom is doing better.:)
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