THE TRUTH!

I was just reading a blog from a totally awesome person. She had got some rude comment, because she had said that she was thinking about having sex for the first time with a guy she had known for 2 months. So then she was afraid of being honest about it. She has lost a lot of weight and feels good about her body, as she should. There is NOBODY out there that can tell a person how to live THEIR life!! Do what you need to do to make you happy. If you are sharing things on a public forum like this one, there will always be people who think they are better than you, are more "moral" than you, who think they are going to Heaven and you're going to Hell. Who are THEY to judge another person???? Did someone make THEM God???? I don't think so. That being said....I have left A LOT of things out of my blogs because of how people might think of me. Either on here or in the small town where I live (in case someone from here stumbles across my blog). But know what??? This is MY blog and MY life and I can do and say what the hell I want to say. I'm still FAT and maybe that's why I do what I do. Another form of self-destruction. Instead of food now..maybe it's sex. I have to deal with that part of myself. Do I feel good about myself?? No, not all the time. Do I feel in control of my life..not most of the time. Sex makes me feel wanted and needed even if for just a little while. To have that connection with another human being. To have someone touch me and desire me, even for just that moment in time. If that makes me a ho, then so be it. I'm not married. I'm not in a relationship. I can do what the hell I want. Have I always been smart about it?? NO. That part, I regret. Will they not want me if I ask them to wear a condom?? So I have to work on that. I don't want some STD and definitely don't want AIDS. I "slept" with a few people before I got married and no I wasn't in a relationship with all of them. I was faithful to my husband for 11 1/2 years...til he decided to bail. In the past two years...I hate to even say it, but I have been with A LOT of guys. It's like I don't have any issue with "sleeping" with a guy that I don't know. Doesn't matter to me. If he calls again, great, if the doesn't...well I expected that. I have become numb to the feelings of love I do believe. That's what I was talking about with Jason. He showed me that I could have feelings again. Yes I'm tired of the FWB thing, but I like sex. The fact that some guys want repeats..well that means I may be doing something "right" or maybe it's just because they know that I'm a "sure thing." Either way, I get what I need...well not always.LOL BUT it's like a drug...I do it, feel good doing it, feel kinda crappy afterwards, am OK without it for a little while and then start jonesing (sp?) for it again. Then it starts all over. I can't even remember all the guys' names that I've been with the past two years. Which sucks really. Sometimes I can't even remember being with them...alcohol does that to you. I always say...OK I'm not going to have sex again until I find someone who really cares about me...but then I'm doing it again. It's like eating...I feel bad after, but can't seem to stop myself. I'm not making excuses. I do what I do. When it comes to going to Heaven or Hell...well it's not anyone here on this Earth that gets to make that call. Thank you for your concern about my soul...but you don't live my life. I don't bring guys to my house. I don't bring guys around my kids. What I do is separate from who I usually am. I'm two different people sometimes. I'm the good mom, the sweet, innocent, shy person that doesn't do anything wrong. But other times..I'm the drinker, smoker of weed (if the opportunity presents itself), the gambler, the whore (if that's what you feel that I am). I have never taken money for what I do. But it's not like I haven't thought about it. What would be the difference? I give it away for free, why not get something out of it for me? But haven't gone that route yet. I would like to think that I never will..but never say never. I HAVE slowed down a bit than what I was doing that first year after my marriage ended. But still having sex with more guys than I should. I know that no guy wants to really KNOW me. That my weight is a hindrance to that. I'm OK to bang, but not OK to be seen in public with. There are a few guys who care about me still..but not enough for a relationship. Yes I guess sex is hooked in with my self-esteem. If that's all the attention that I can get, then that's what I will take. Judge me if you must...but everyone of us has the side of us that we don't want anyone to really know about...and this is mine. Why hide it?? Be who you are.