Well, I don't feel as crazy as I did when I last wrote, which is probably a good thing!!!LOL He's going to Denver AGAIN this weekend...I so have to quit worrying about what he's doing or not doing. That's the hard part. Just "let it go." Not exactly sure how to do that yet, but I will figure it out eventually. I filed for legal separation yesterday. A hard thing to do. There is still a lot to do..parenting classes, probably mediation, etc. Won't be final until like the end of March or beginning of April. I know we'll have to have mediation, because we can't agree on the visitation for the kids...which Chrismtas's he gets them, etc. If it was up to me, he wouldn't have them for any length of time at all. Not because of him, but because of his girlfriend. I just don't think my kids need to be around her. Now instead of her moving down here, he's thinking again of moving to Denver!:( Sometimes, I just want to scream..."MAKE UP YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND!" I know that "God and the Universe" know how things are supposed to be and I just have to have faith that things are going the way they're supposed to. It's very hard for me to just "go with the flow."
I went to his sisters' for dinner the other day and he did a double take when I walked in the room and asked "how much weight have you lost? You can tell." Made my day for sure.:) I've been working at it even though some days I don't feel like doing anything much less exercise.
I've been on a couple of dates, but nothing serious. I was never good at dating before I was married and I sure as hell am not good at it now. But it takes my mind off of things for awhile.
Christmas was good. The kids had fun and got some nice things.:) They are doing well. Phillp goes back to school on the 6th after being expelled since September...he's nervous and so am I. I hope he'll be OK and that the kids won't be jerks. I will have to take him every morning now and walk in with him. That's so annoying. If you don't remember...he had taken an unloaded gun to school in September. But we will get thru this as well. Keep him in your prayers.
.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Anger....
I still have A LOT of anger...I thought that I was past that, but I'm sooo not. The 21st was a horrible day...started filling out papers for legal separation. Way too much paperwork and it may take me forever to finish it. Maybe it's because I don't want this...I don't want it to be soo final. Even Dave is sad about it. It doesn't matter, I know it's over. I'm just having a really hard time with it. I get so mad sometimes, I feel like my head is going to explode...would be very messy!!LOL I LOVE my kids with all of my heart, but I must admit that I'm suicidal and I'm not thinking about anyone but myself. I'm tired of dragging myself thru the days. It's a major effort to just get out of bed, take a shower and deal with the day. Christmas Eve, we would have been together for 13 years. I've made enough threats that if anything does happen to his girlfriend, I'm sure I'm the top suspect. I just need to chill. Easier said than done. I'm just so pissed off, hurt, sad, depressed. He took our oldest up to Denver with him last weekend. That was really hard for me. How am I supposed to deal with this? I know people do it every day, but they must be Super Humans or something. I just want to be able to find that medium, where I'm not always upset. Where I can handle all of this crap without crying all the time.
Monday, December 7, 2009
The weekend....
Well...the weekend didn't start out well at all. My mom and step-dad were getting married on Saturday (5th) and Dave KNEW this. I mean seriously. We had rehearsal for it on the Tuesday before...even though he wasn't there, the boys were. So then on Friday afternoon, he texts me that he was thinking about going to Denver on Saturday to see her!! I told him he was an asshole and he only thought about himself and Gracie. I couldn't believe that he was doing that to mom and Duke after they had loved him all these years too and had done so much for us. He immediately texted back and said he was sorry, that he had forgotten and that he would be at the wedding and he would go to Denver another weekend. By then, I was so pissed off anyhow, ya know? I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Of course, that's not possible since I have 3 kids with him, but it's hard having to act like it's all OK when it's not. So anyway...at least the wedding turned out really nice and everything went well.:) It was short and sweet for sure. They got married at the local Elk's Lodge since Duke is a member. Everyone had fun. Dave stayed at the reception for a little while and then left since he wasn't feeling well and I think he felt a little out of place as well. Everyone knows that he left me for someone else. I think that would be a little uncomfortable for him.
On Friday night, I got a text from a guy that lives in a town nearby. I hadn't heard from him in awhile and was surprised. He asked what I was doing Saturday night. So we ended up making plans to go see the movie "New Moon." His name is Rich and he's 27. I know...pretty young. We went to grab a bite to eat (McDonalds)LOL...not really hungty and then to the movie. I think he's a bit shy and he said it had been awhile since he had been out. I did put my hand on his leg and he eventually did the same to me. Also held hands a bit. Then he took me home. No good night kiss or anything.:( I thought maybe he just wasn't all that interested in me, but he texted me later and said the he just moves slower. I still thought that maybe there was a lack of attraction on his part, but he texted me again last night and we talked a bit. So who knows if this will go anywhere, but it would be cool if it did. He's a cutie.:) I think it's cool that he didn't just automatically expect sex. All the other guys that I have talked to or went out with these past months expect sex on the first date. It's sad when you get used to something like that as being "normal." I'm trying slow down as it is and have some self-respect. Yes, I like sex...but it's just been way out of control this whole year and I don't feel good about it. So we'll see.
It's been cold and gloomy here the past couple of days and we have gotten some snow. Yesterday, I didn't even get out of my pajamas...just soooo not in the mood. Today I'm forcing myself to get some things done, but it's been rough. I'm looking forward to better days for sure.
On Friday night, I got a text from a guy that lives in a town nearby. I hadn't heard from him in awhile and was surprised. He asked what I was doing Saturday night. So we ended up making plans to go see the movie "New Moon." His name is Rich and he's 27. I know...pretty young. We went to grab a bite to eat (McDonalds)LOL...not really hungty and then to the movie. I think he's a bit shy and he said it had been awhile since he had been out. I did put my hand on his leg and he eventually did the same to me. Also held hands a bit. Then he took me home. No good night kiss or anything.:( I thought maybe he just wasn't all that interested in me, but he texted me later and said the he just moves slower. I still thought that maybe there was a lack of attraction on his part, but he texted me again last night and we talked a bit. So who knows if this will go anywhere, but it would be cool if it did. He's a cutie.:) I think it's cool that he didn't just automatically expect sex. All the other guys that I have talked to or went out with these past months expect sex on the first date. It's sad when you get used to something like that as being "normal." I'm trying slow down as it is and have some self-respect. Yes, I like sex...but it's just been way out of control this whole year and I don't feel good about it. So we'll see.
It's been cold and gloomy here the past couple of days and we have gotten some snow. Yesterday, I didn't even get out of my pajamas...just soooo not in the mood. Today I'm forcing myself to get some things done, but it's been rough. I'm looking forward to better days for sure.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Hard time tonight....
Just having a hard time dealing with things tonight...depressed and just over it. Might lose the house and I just don't see Dave as doing anything about it. Maybe he is..I don't know. We don't talk that much about important things. He gets irritated with me when I bring up those kinds of things. I just feel like my life is out of control. Where will the boys and I move if we lose the house?? I don't want to lose the house, I don't want to be dealing with any of this, but it is what it is. Some days I'm OK and others I'm not. I felt like crap again today. I'm gonna head to bed...hope for a better day tomorrow.
Weight loss!!
I weighed in today and I'm down another 6 lbs!!! I'm shocked, because over the weekend, I didn't exercise at all or on Monday either...was sick and felt horrible. I felt better yesterday and went for a walk. I'm sooo happy!! I haven't been down this far in a loongg time! It gives me motivation to keep going and get this weight off.
Thanksgiving was nice. Went to the community dinner and then to my soon to be ex-sister-in-law's. It just felt the same as every year really. It was sooo nice out that my youngest Matthew and I went for a walk and I took him to the school to play on the playground. It was a nice day.
The next day they have what they call the "Parade of Lights" here...it was so nice that night...had a fun time. Dave went too, but he didn't stay that long...plus he was texting her while he was there, so I was like whatever. I just think it's disrespectful to do that when he's with me or we're together with the boys. Just annoying.
Had the wedding rehearsal for mom last night. Hopefully everything will go smoothly on Saturday as well! My middle son, Dominic (7) refuses to get his hair cut for the occasion..though he needs it badly.LOL He has nice hair and he's cute, but he should at least have his bangs cut some. I got Matthew's hair cut the other day and they cut it a little TOO short, but still looks cute.:) Much easier to deal with in the mornings for sure.
My niece Justine (16)...she is in teenage angst. About having to live with rules, about her boyfriend, about living with my mom and step-dad, etc. She'll be 17 next month...I told her that she can deal with it for another year and then she can get out in the "real" world and see it's not all it's cracked up to be. I'm just hoping she doesn't ruin the wedding. She's in the wedding party. At rehearsal last night...she was a pain in the butt.
I had a bad panic attack last night.:( It happens when I'm asleep..well I "snap" awake and already in one sometimes. I really felt that I couldn't breathe, was numb, etc. My chest even hurt. It's a scary thing and I hate it. It doesn't happen all the time, but often enough. I have sleep apnea and don't use my CPAP machine...it annoys me...but this is crazy. So some if it is that and some is the fact that I'm stressed out.
Hope everyone is having a good week!:)
Thanksgiving was nice. Went to the community dinner and then to my soon to be ex-sister-in-law's. It just felt the same as every year really. It was sooo nice out that my youngest Matthew and I went for a walk and I took him to the school to play on the playground. It was a nice day.
The next day they have what they call the "Parade of Lights" here...it was so nice that night...had a fun time. Dave went too, but he didn't stay that long...plus he was texting her while he was there, so I was like whatever. I just think it's disrespectful to do that when he's with me or we're together with the boys. Just annoying.
Had the wedding rehearsal for mom last night. Hopefully everything will go smoothly on Saturday as well! My middle son, Dominic (7) refuses to get his hair cut for the occasion..though he needs it badly.LOL He has nice hair and he's cute, but he should at least have his bangs cut some. I got Matthew's hair cut the other day and they cut it a little TOO short, but still looks cute.:) Much easier to deal with in the mornings for sure.
My niece Justine (16)...she is in teenage angst. About having to live with rules, about her boyfriend, about living with my mom and step-dad, etc. She'll be 17 next month...I told her that she can deal with it for another year and then she can get out in the "real" world and see it's not all it's cracked up to be. I'm just hoping she doesn't ruin the wedding. She's in the wedding party. At rehearsal last night...she was a pain in the butt.
I had a bad panic attack last night.:( It happens when I'm asleep..well I "snap" awake and already in one sometimes. I really felt that I couldn't breathe, was numb, etc. My chest even hurt. It's a scary thing and I hate it. It doesn't happen all the time, but often enough. I have sleep apnea and don't use my CPAP machine...it annoys me...but this is crazy. So some if it is that and some is the fact that I'm stressed out.
Hope everyone is having a good week!:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)