HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!:)

Well I had the "official" weigh in yesterday and I'm down 5 lbs from last week!!:) VERY happy about that! I've been walking a lot and doing some weights. Now if I can keep it up. Hoping to get down to like 300 lbs by New Year's Eve. Who would have ever thought that 300 lbs would be a goal???

Going to the community dinner today with my mom and step-dad (they decided not to cook this year) and then going to my sister-in-law's as well. I LOVE mashed potatoes, so have to make sure I don't go totally overboard!LOL

Tuesday

OK, so I couldn't come up with a better title today.:) Can't believe that Thanksgiving is almost here...I love the Holidays, but I start getting a little stressed out around the actual days...Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. After my dad left when I was 12, it was usually only my mom, maternal grandma (I miss you!), my two younger sisters and I. Well all day would be spent cooking and then by the time it was time to eat, everyone was hungry and tired and pissed off at someone else. So I remember a lot of tension. Especially because my youngest sister was a handful. Her teenage years...well let's just say I'm surprised she survived them (there were times I was ready to take her out!)lol Only half joking. So there was definitely problems with her. So, even now, though usually everything is fine, I wake up on those days feeling a bit tense and "ready for arguments." My middle sister says she feels the same way. I don't know for sure what I'm doing that day yet. My sister-in-law invited me down to her place (where Dave is living). He told me to come over too. I figure I better go since this may be the last year I'm invited. Maybe they WILL accept Gracie and then I will be out totally. That would suck. My mom and step-dad are just going to go the community dinner this year and want me to go, so I may go to that one first. I'm not going to eat a whole lot at either place. When Dave and I were together, we would always eat at his dads' and then my moms'. His dad passed away in August 2008 and now that's where him and his sister are living. Anyway, I'm still having a hard time with this. Then I was thinking "what if he spends New Years Eve with her??" That would upset me immensely...but he doesn't have the next day off, so I don't feel so bad.:) I know, I have to be better at letting go...I am MUCH better than I was at the beginning, but it's still a long road.

On the brighter side, I have been walking every day...so feel good. I usually do the "official weigh-in" on Wednesdays, so will let you know tomorrow how things are going. I walked last night and it was freezing out! Harder to breathe for sure when you have all that cold air going into your lungs. But I was proud of myself for going anyway.:)

How do I move on?

I don't know how to do this whole separation thing. I think it's getting easier and then something happens and throws me back to the beginning again. Like I said, he went to Denver again yesterday. Supposed to be back this afternoon. I hate looking forward to him coming back. I shouldn't care anymore, but I do. I know that he has the best of both worlds right now and I need to change that. He has to realize what he's doing to me. I still love him and would probably take him back..stupid as that sounds. Then I think about not being able to trust him again and all and know that I CAN'T take him back. Besides he would never give her up, he would always want to be at least friends with her. I couldn't deal with that at all. Right now, I can ignore it some and put it in the back of my mind, but when she moves up here...damn it's going to be soooo hard to see them together all the time!! Having my kids around her and her kids....I know I have to deal with it...but HOW??
I try not to think about things when he is up there with her. It's just too hard knowing that he wants to be with her and not me. That he loves her and not me. He will text me when he's on his way home. He will let me know when he gets here. The boys want to see him, so he will come get them. I will have a hard time not asking how it went, what was said, what they did, etc. It's like I need to hear it. Torture myself more? I have no idea. But I will try to refrain from asking. I just don't know how to do this.

Saturday

Dave is going to Denver today. I thought that I was getting "used" to it, but I don't think that will ever happen. Just pisses me off and annoys me. I just need to get past it. Easier said than done though. I told my middle son last night that we would go on vacation next summer (like we usually do) and he asked "his dad going too?" He was sad when I said no and wanted to know who would swim with them. So it DOES affect the younger ones as well. Dave is just being selfish, but there's nothing I can do about it. I miss what was, but know I can't go back. Just have to move forward...most likely alone.

I've started taking Celexa again for my depression. Hopefully that will help some.

I walked for 24 minutes yesterday (want the seconds too?)LOL Anything is an improvement for me. Also did some 5 lb weights. Mom and her bf are getting married on December 5th. My sister, niece and I are standing up for her. I will be the fattest one by a long shot, but hopefully I can lose at least a couple of inches before then. We will see.

Weight loss too.....

Really nothing new to report on the "Dave" front. Though he is supposed to go to Denver on Saturday...whatever. I don't think he knows what he wants...me or Gracie...both? I think not. I just need to NOT be alone with him. I deserve better than that. I'm not good enough to want to be with anymore, but still good enough to f**k?? I have put up with that from a lot of guys in my younger years, but never thought that it would be that way with my own husband of 12 years!!!

Then I'm trying to lose weight...well am I REALLY trying?? I don't know. I love to eat..bottom line. But I feel like crap. I have sleep apnea...I don't wear the CPAP machine because it bugs me. Some nights, I don't even notice that I stop breathing so many times. Other nights (like last night), I wake up gasping for breath, with my heart racing and sure that I'm going to die of a heart attack.:( Sometimes it turns into a full fledge panic attack. Dave used to be here to calm me down...now it's just me. If my oldest hears me, he comes in and asks if I'm OK. I KNOW I need to lose weight, but getting there isn't easy for sure. I've been walking more (though the past week I have been lazy). I have never been this heavy..well actually I probably have...by a few pounds. I can't buy jeans in this town...guess fat people don't live here?? So I have to go to a city and go to someplace like "Catherines" to get jeans and it's expensive. Before, I was able to pay like $20 for a pair..at that place I have to pay like $50!!:( All that extra material??LOL My mom says I'm built like my grandma on my dad's side...we call her Grandma Gray. OK, I love her immensely, but don't want to look like her. She always had problems with her weight as well. I know I need to put my weight down here...but I feel soooo embarrassed to do so. I was at 275 lbs. for a long time...then when I quit working...BAM..all this weight piled on. So now I'm about 330. I'm 5'8. I have some water weight...take pills for that..why should I be retaining so much water? When I don't take my pills, I can gain like 9 lbs FAST. Too bad like 30 lbs isn't "water weight.:) But I will try to be healthier for myself AND for my kids. I need to get out of the mentality that I'm "meant to be fat." I need to make small goals, instead of saying I have to lose like 150 lbs....because that is just too much pressure and I give up. So wish me luck.:)

Another day....

I know that some of this is my fault...some people can have an "open marriage" and be fine, obviously it wasn't for us. But if there wasn't something "wrong" or "missing" in our marriage, we wouldn't have decided on the open relationship in the first place. He first started talking to Gracie at the beginning of February. We decided on the open thing like the middle of the month, I guess. I do remember that for Valentine's Day, instead of spending it with me, he was at his sister's house on the computer with Gracie. Big warning sign then. Well then he met her at the end of February...went up to Denver. So did I, but I stayed at a different hotel. I don't want to get into all of that...it's too depressing and the beginning of the end. Then the beginning of March, I found some e-mails between them....it was BAD. Saying how he had never felt that way, etc. Couldn't wait to see each other again. I was SOOO mad, hurt, upset. I was a mess the entire weekend. Told him I was going to file for divorce on that next Monday. He was crying and begging me not to, the he "couldn't live without me." So we worked it out. But he said that he still wanted her as a friend...damn I'm dumb. I let him have that. So he saw her a few more times over the months and she was "cool to talk to," "to hang out with every now and then," etc. Then he decided he wanted to be with her. I asked him when he fell out of love with me (he told me he had), because I was thinking "how could you do this from July to August?? Have this big feeling change? He said he thinks it was around April!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF???? So I guess I was delusional for awhile. After he left, I found some more e-mails..I will learn one day not to read that crap..lol..from her to him. He must have erased his to her. Hers was bad enough. He had to be saying crap about me to her. She's like "you work all the time and she doesn't work at all. She should be kissing your feet." I DON'T THINK SO! If he had a problem with me not working, all he had to do was say so. I had worked, but it was like I was doing it and then using the money for daycare! It didn't make sense. So WE decided that I would stay home until our youngest, Matthew, started Kindergarten, which was this past August. Then at the end of August, Dave went on a picnic in the mountains with my family and I. In one of her e-mails, she says "I don't mean to sound jealous or anything, but did SHE go too?" Like I'M the other woman!!! No idiot, he went with just my family. Damn. There WAS one e-mail that I read from him and it was like "you are the best thing that's ever happened to me" and "sex with you is the best I ever had." OK WTF was I?????????????? Then he wonders why I get so pissed off at him. He wants us all to be friends! I don't think that's gonna happen. My parents divorce was a mess....anyway, will save that for another day.

Not a good day

I hate crying. It doesn't matter if I'm alone or not, I hate it. I cried so much the first couple of months after he left...don't think I ever cried that much ever. Tonight...it just all hit me again. It's been a hard day...just knowing that he doesn't want to be with me and the boys. I know he loves the boys and won't abandon them...but it was iffy for awhile. He was going to put in for a transfer next year (he has worked as a correctional officer at a prison near here for over 9 years)...but he was willing to give that up...to give up his boys...to move to Denver to be with her and her kids. It was killing me. Leaving me is one thing, but leaving his kids...who need him more than anything...I just couldn't understand. He was telling me bullshit like he would get down here as often as he could, that he would call them. IT'S NOT THE FUCKING SAME!!! He would be 3 hours away. Being a dad to HER kids and not to his own. Our youngest two..they're 7 and 6 now...they are coping..but they adapt and don't really understand what's going on. Dave has been living with his sister here in town since he moved out and so the boys can see him every day. Stay weekend nights with him. But who knows how they really feel inside or how it will affect them in the long run. My oldest is 11 and he is taking it SOOOO hard. I don't know how to help him. Dave had gone to Denver to see her on September 12th...as soon as he left town, Phillip...our oldest...called him crying and begged him not to go. But he did anyway. Phillip didn't feel protected without Dave being here, so he took a handgun from my sister-in-law's gun cabinet. It didn't have bullets and there was no way he would have ever done anything to hurt anyone. But he made a mistake. He, for some reason, took the gun to school on that Monday..the 14th. I didn't know. He didn't take it out of his backpack, but opened it so a couple of his "friends" could see it. They told their mom that night. She knew us..she could have CALLED us and told us. But she didn't. She went to school the next morning and told the principal and the officer that was there at the time. Maybe I would have done the same in their situation, but they fucked up my son's life...at least for awhile. The officer called me and said that when he got to school (he rides the bus), that they were going to check his backpack. I was fucking hysterical. I called Dave and told him to get his ass home from work. They, of course, found the gun....IF ONLY he would have missed the bus...I got up late and I made them hurry so they wouldn't miss it...IF ONLY I would have checked his backpack. I would have taken the gun out. I don't care if it was right or wrong for me to do that. I would have done that to protect my sweet baby. I got to the school and he was soooo scared and crying. He's only 11. He told them that he made sure the gun was "clear," because he didn't want to hurt anyone, he just wanted to feel safe since his dad left. I'm 5'8 and he's almost as tall as me and is just a big kid. But he's a teddy bear. They arrested him. But they let him walk out to the police car without cuffs. We were at the police station for hours. Then they said that he would have to go to Pueblo (aobut 2 hours away) to a youth detention center for at least 5 days. I thought I was going to die. I didn't want anything bad happening to my baby. We went down to see him on that Wednesday night and then there was a hearing over the phone on Thursday. He was able to come home, but with an ankle bracelet on. He had court on September 21st. He had to wear the ankle bracelet for another month and he got two years of probation, 60 hours of community service, he will have counseling, plus some kind of support for all of us. I don't know. If he gets in trouble in those two year, he can be removed from the home. He was expelled from school...he's only in the 5th grade..they could have expelled him for up to a year, but the superintendent had letters from Phillip's teachers saying that he is a sweet child, that he shouldn't be away from school. But he had to expel him since that is the law. So he goes back January 6th. But how will he adapt? How will the kids treat him? This is a small town. He doesn't deserve this shit. He had just started band and was really enjoying that. They sent homework home for him to do...but it's like he has just given up. He sleeps all day. He can't sleep at night...I think he's afraid that something bad will happen to us at night without Dave being here, so he can't sleep. He doesn't do his homework, loses his temper easily. He cries and tells me that he doesn't care if Dave and I fight, he just wants his daddy to be home. It kills me. Dave loves him, but he doesn't know how hard it is to listen to Phillip cry and want him home. He doesn't cry to Dave. Maybe he thinks he wouldn't care, I don't know. Dave is so much about Gracie. Talks to her constantly on the phone. Texts her. He took the kids trick-or-treating with me and I asked him if it bothered him at all that this would probably be his last Halloween with his kids...that next year and all the years to come, he would be with her and her kids. He just gave me that look...the one where he just closes himself off from me. I was with him for 12 1/2 years and I don't who he is anymore or how he can just be so cold to me sometimes. He used to cry that couldn't live without me. Then he just one day decided that he CAN live without me and he leaves. What is that shit? Then on November 6th, he went to Denver again to spend the weekend. The kids and I dealt with it. On the way back on Sunday, he texts me and asks if we can talk. So I met him at a lake near here. He was crying and upset and saying that he didnt' know what the fuck he was thinking. That he loves his boys and can't leave them, that he can't hurt them anymore than he already has. That he loves me too and never stopped. That he misses all of us...misses his family. That we could make it work. I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said not if it meant hurting the kids anymore. So all that day, I was like in shock, didn't know what to think. Didn't know how things would work out. But was happy that he was finally showing some feelings. THEN WHAM...later that day, he gets a text from her saying that she can't deal with being away from him and that she would be willing to move down here to be with him!! Then all of a sudden, he's "over" me again. I told him how much it hurt and what was all the crap he told me earlier in the day and he said something like "well I didn't know she was going to do this." WTF does that have to do with anything??? So everything that he told me was just bullshit? At least where I was concerned? I was like second choice? He was willing to "settle" for me??? I dont' want that. Either love me and want to be with me or just leave me alone. He says he loves her. His sisters say that she will never be welcome in their houses...but will they change their minds to keep the peace? Am I just out of the family that I love? I don't know. My mom and step-dad, my sister and my nieces have loved him for years too and it's not only like he abandoned me and quit caring about me, but them as well. He barely talks to them. Maybe he feels ashamed. I don't know. But I think it fucking sucks that he just gave everything for her. So then I was pissed off and told him how I felt and he just lets it go in one ear and out the other. If I talk about anything serious...the kids, money, the house...he gets irate with me. He said that he would take care of us still. That he would pay the mortgage and the bills. Well then they started garnishing his wages for medical bills, so we are like 3 months behind on the mortgage. If I lose this house, I will never forgive him. I told him that it's all well and good that she's willing to move down here for him, but that it's gonna be pretty ironic if we lose the house and the kids and I have to move somewhere else, because we can't afford to live here. Rent is as much as our mortgage is. I don't even know where we would go. That worries me and he says that he's trying to take care of it. But that doesn't help me right now. He paid like one bill in September and a couple in October. I don't even know what the hell he paid this month. I told him that I can't just sit around and wait til the house is in foreclosure to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I told him that I would give him to the 1st of the year, then I'll just have to figure out what the kids and I are going to do. I applied for food stamps a month ago and still don't have any. When Phillip goes back to school, I will have to get a part-time job again. I'm on Social Security, so I can make up to a certain amount. If it wasn't for my Social Security right now, things would be even worse. He gave me money this month (I made sure he did), but that doesn't mean he will continue to do so. He says he's going to file for bankruptcy, but that's like $1200...where is he going to get that kind of money??? I talked to a lawyer and they said that he should file for bankruptcy before I file for legal separation. So I don't know what the hell to do. If he decides to move to Denver, then I will file for legal separation soon...so he HAS to pay for the boys at least. I can't trust him enough to send me money after he's in Denver and around her. Even if she moves here, I don't know how he's going to pay for a place for them to rent or own, plus pay me. But that's his problem. I told him that he wasn't going to end up with much money, but he won't listen to me. I don't know what will happen and that is a lot of stress. I have been doing people I shouldn't be doing....but none of it helps. So I don't need the one night stands and all the crap that people want from me. I will be OK on my own in the end. Though it's hard right now. I have never really been on my own before. If it wasn't for my mom now, the boys and I couldn't have made it this far. I owe her a lot of money and a lot of thanks for helping me like she has.
With the Holidays coming up....it's just hard. Plus my house is a mess and I do mean a mess. I just haven't felt like dealing with it. I was going for walks to help with the stress and depression, but haven't gone on one in days. I need to tomorrow. It's just so cold out now.:( Then to top everything off...he still wants to have sex with me and I usually let him. I still love him, even if he doesn't love me and he's still MY husband. I won't sign divorce papers, because he's NOT going to marry her or anyone else. Yes I can be a bitch and a big one too.

5 months??!!

Can't believe that it's been 5 months since I last wrote here. A lot has happened in that time. I should have been writing here all the time. It might have helped. Well Dave (hubby) and I are separated now. He moved out on August 17th. Is living with his sister here in town. Blindsided it an understatement. Yes, we were in an "open relationship," but it was STILL a relationship. Only problem was, he was only seeing one person...Gracie (real name Michelle). She lives in Denver. In July, she started pressuring him...she couldn't do "this" anymore, because she was in love with him, etc. So we're sitting in McDonald's drive-thru the night of August 7th. I was messing around and had asked him this a zillion times in our 12 1/2 years together.."you would never leave me, right?" Instead of him saying that he would NEVER do that to me and that he loved me with all his heart...he looks at me and says "I don't know." WTF??? So since that night, my life has been strange, different, off it's axis...however you want to put it. Even after we decided he should move out for awhile and see what he wanted (he kept going back and forth..he wanted to stay, wanted to go, etc.)...has just been a mess. Our 12th wedding anniversary was on August 23rd...he told me on THAT day that he wanted to be with HER. That it's just something he HAD to do. Let's just say he could have gotten me for domestic violence if he wanted to...even though it was just a couple of shoves. I was SOOOOO mad and hurt. My 40th birthday was August 31st...needless to say, it sucked. There has been more drama since then, but I will write about that soon. Just wanted to put an update in here.