SHOCKED....

OK, I have been separated since August 2009 and divorced since December 2010. Dave(ex) and I have our differences, but we basically get along now and have a friendship of sorts. We usually get along unless I want to talk about something serious...such as money. His gf, Gracie (whom he left me for) lives in Denver..which is about 3 hrs away. He has been going to see her on weekends when he can for the past two years...while he lives here with his sister. He has a good job with the state here and also wanted to be close to the kids. I admit, that I DON'T like Gracie at all. For numerous reasons. I don't want our kids around her. Phillip (oldest) goes with Dave usually and even that was hard at first. But she has kids around our kids' ages and he likes to go up there. He's 13 and I feel that he can make his own choices. I don't "allow" the younger two to go. They are 9 and 7. They don't want to go usually anyway. They are still "mommas' boys." It won't always be that way, but for now, it is. Which I love.:) Dave has been living rent free with is sister for the past two years. Last month, she told him that she wants $300 a month for rent. This made him decide that moving to Denver would be a better idea. He can't just up and leave, because first he has to put in a transfer from his job. I don't know how long that will take or anything, but I'm hoping awhile. Getting to the point here...LOL. Yesterday I was at my moms'..I get my mail there. She hands me a certified letter that came and it was from DAVE. He NEVER said anything about that, even though we talk every day and were pretty much getting along. It was a revised parenting plan. Since he's moving, he had it revised...he wants the boys up there with him and HER every other Christmas, every other Spring Break, 4th of July, 3 weeks in the Summer (though it doesn't have to be consecutive) and all weekends if he's able to come down and get them. WTF???!! I told him how I felt about the younger two going up there. I told him that he could come down here and see them until they're a little bit older, but that they would have a hard time being away from me at night. My middle one, Dominic, is a nervous child. He likes routine. So is he going to force them to go?? I have no idea. He will be working some while they are up there, so they will be alone with Gracie and her kids for hours at a time. I'm NOT comfortable with that. He may trust her, but I don't. In that house, there are 8 people! It will be 9 with Dave. I think it's crazy. There's Gracie, her 3 younger kids, plus her 23 year old daughter and HER 3 kids..the oldest is like 4. I don't think that's the best environment for my kids. I'm their mother and I think that I should have a say in it. I'm SOOOOO mad. He could have given me a heads up. Let me know at least that he was going to do that. Yes, I would have still been upset, but at least I wouldn't have been blind-sided. Yes, I feel betrayed. I don't care if that's wrong or not. His friendship has meant a lot to me. I haven't been able to let that part go. I may have given up my husband, but I didn't want to give up my best friend. It's hard for me not to talk to him at least once a day. I know that he doesn't need the friendship like I do, but after 13 years of marriage...I don't know how to let that go. It makes me sick to think about. But I can't even trust him a LITTLE now. How am I going to do this? I told him that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything anymore, because he could use it against me at some future date. He said he would never do that and that we can still be friends. Well how do I do that after he's done this? I have thought about HIS feelings and have let a couple of things slide these last months. He was court ordered to pay half the maintenance on the house thru March 2012. He was supposed to get his Air Force life insurance ($200,000) reinstated by LAST March. He hasn't done ANY of it. I'm $1,000 behind on the water bill, because I had all of the other bills to pay every month. He owes at least half of that. I was going to try to start making payments on it, but got a letter saying if I don't pay the FULL AMOUNT by October 20th, that they will be a lien against my house. Well the mortgage company is finally helping me so I don't lose my house, but it says in the papers, that they can't help me if there is a lien against the house!:( So I don't know what I'm going to do about that. If the mortgage company decides not to help me, then my house goes up for auction on December 21st! I have no place to go. I let the life insurance thing slide for so long because he said he would get it done. Well he hasn't. Probably because he doesn't want ME to get any of it in case something happens to him before the youngest is 18! I'm like "seriously??" It's for the KIDS! I STILL don't want to get him into trouble..even after all of this. But since he started it, should I go to the court and tell them that he hasn't been doing what he's been court ordered to do? I told him that we're going to end up hating each other because it's probably going to get ugly. He said he doesn't want it to get ugly and that he'll never hate me. I'm just sooooo upset.;( The depression has been kicking my ass again lately...feel like sleeping all the time and don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel good. I'm sad, angry, stressed out. Now it's going to be like first getting divorced all over again. Didn't think that I would make it thru that, but I did...after a lot of pain, a lot of tears. But then I had his friendship and he was still in the same town. Now he's leaving (it's like he's leaving me all over again). I have to get used to him being gone..not seeing him every day, not talking to him every day. He said that he'll text me and we can still be friends. Yeah like she's going to allow that. Besides, with him, I believe it'll be "out of sight, out of mind." Plus now I can't trust him not to do underhanded things. So now I have to try to let the friendship go too and it makes me sick. I have to force myself not to call him, not to text him, not to tell him what his going on in my life. How do I do that? How am I going to get thru the pain AGAIN?? I just feel like giving up. Isn't it supposed to get better? It's been two years...there has been happy moments...but has things gotten "better?" Not a lot. Maybe it'll take another 2 years, maybe 5..10?? I don't know. But can I stick around for all of it? How much pain am I willing to take? Some days I don't think I can take it at all. Other days, I'm good. WHO am I going to talk to when I need to talk to someone??:(

Sorry for all the rambling and changing topics in here...just not thinking straight right now.