WEDNESDAY

I can't believe that it's been a month since I have been on here.  I have seriously lacked motivation these past months.  An update:  Jeff & I e-mailed briefly on November 19th.  He said he would like us to be friends & that I knew him better than almost anyone.  I sent him one e-mail after that (the same day) telling him all what has been going on here & I didn't hear from him.  So I haven't contacted him since.:)  I'm proud of myself.  I see no point in even having him back in my life again.  What we had (or didn't have) is gone.  He did say that the reason he put on Facebook that they had been together since March was for her family & friend's benefits.  I guess they didn't want them knowing that they had only known each other for a few weeks before he moved in with her.  Whatever, she can now deal with his lies & BS.  I don't know if I told you or not, but his mom, at one time, still wanted to remain friends.  She has since changed her mind, though she didn't come out & tell me that.  She just started ignoring my texts, unfriended me on Facebook, etc.  She had asked me to go antique shopping out of town the first weekend in December, but didn't even cancel that...just ignored my texts asking about it.  How old are we?  It's fine.  I guess it wouldn't have been a good idea to remain friends anyway.  Just seeing her would automatically remind me of him.  I do have a health issue now that I'm seeing the doctor about tomorrow that regards Jeff.:(  I'm NOT happy.  I will go into detail more after I find out for sure or not.

My weight has gone up to 323 lbs.  That's enough, ya know?  I'm disappointed enough in myself as it is.  I went the doctor for some blood work a week or so ago & she noticed how swollen my lower legs were & told me I have gained about 30 lbs since last May, that things were just going to get worse if I continued to gain weight...or even stayed the same weight...and that I need to lose some.  She wasn't being mean about it.  It's really the first time that she's ever said much about my weight at all.  She didn't know me when I was 350.  So now I have to wear compression socks.  Hopefully one day, I won't have to.  I have to buy a new scale.  Mine totally died.  Will have to do that after January 2nd.  I found a cool one for around $35.  It shows you your BMI, water weight & a few other things.  I have exercised a little, but mostly just to the DVD's I have.  Haven't gotten out & walked yet.  It's cold & I'm so not a cold weather person.  My joints have been really bothering me, but I try to ignore it mostly.  My hands & feet get cold really easily & hurt...which isn't a good thing.  My mom has Raynaud's Syndrome & I don't want to end up with that.  Circulation problems.  I'm sure I l already have some,  but I don't want them getting worse.  I also started drinking (this morning) an Apple Cider Vinegar, Lemon Juice, Cinnamon, Honey drink.  I'm hoping it will help with everything basically.LOL  I have read some on it & decided that I might as well try it.  

Matthew (youngest) & I have had the flu for a few days now.  I'm feeling better now...but still not 100%.  Matthew is sicker than I am & he tends to get higher fevers.  He coughs A LOT...even before he got the flu.  He has asthma...but the doctors don't know why he coughs all the time.  Being sick doesn't help it at all.  He was up most of last night because he was coughing so hard...even with medicine, me greasing his chest & back & a vaporizer in the room.:(  Any ideas on what else I can do that might help?

How has everyone been doing on Christmas & getting ready for it?   I finally got my tree & the rest of the apartment decorated last weekend.  I haven't sent cards out yet & probably won't get most of them out until after Christmas. We haven't done a family picture yet.  So I might just send those out for a New Year's thing.  Phillip (oldest) & I are going to help mom with fudge tomorrow night.  

My niece, Justine, is now 7 months pregnant & she has gotten a huge belly!!  It's so cute!  She hasn't really gained any anywhere else.  She's due around February 11th.  They are having a boy.  So exciting!  Her & her bf are still living with mom...which mom isn't happy about.  She loves Justine...but she needs her space as well.  

I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS...e

I missed my shrink appt the other day.  I have decided not to go back.  I don't think talking about my past is helping me, when it's the present that is kicking my ass.  Some days I'm good...and others,...like the past few...I'm so not.  I don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone.  I feel like staying in bed & ignoring the world.  It takes too much energy to be social & I just don't have it right now.  I love the Holidays...but not right at this second.  I have to get over Jeff.  NO DOUBT.  I need to stop thinking about him.  I think the more I try to do that, the more I end up thinking about it all.  Then I just get all upset & pissed off all over again.  We had good times.  But we also had bad times & I have to remember those as well.  I tend to only think about the good ones.  I haven't contacted him since I sent that last e-mail on the 5th asking WHY.  Of course, he didn't answer,  I didn't expect him to.   He's a coward for not just coming clean.  He doesn't respect me enough or ever loved me enough to give me an explaination.  He doesn't care that I hurt & that I want answers.  I just have to let it go.  So hard for me to do.  I know Karma is a bitch & maybe he will get is & maybe he won't.  Maybe his hurting me like he did is Karma for something I did in the past.  I don't really know.  I know that I'm not always a good person.  But who is?  Do I think I deserved all of this?  No.  But it happened & it's just the way it goes.  I thought I had my forever.  Now...well...it's just me & the kids for awhile & when they're grown & on their own...it's just me.  I have to accept that.  I have always felt that I needed a guy in my life or at least guys to accept me, want me,  (fuck...I just deleted most of this post accidentally!!  Now I just feel like not saying anything else, because I can't think of what I said before...was just letting it flow...annoying).   Would I like a guy in my life who was totally in love with me & I felt the same?  Yes....but it's not a thing that I can't live without right now.  I have to figure out what the hell it is that I need.  I need to get outside & walk & be in the fresh air...even though it's freezing.  I complain in the Summer that it's too hot.  Always something to complain about.  It's just another excuse not to get my fat ass moving.  I have been trying to eat less & better.  Not easy.  When it's cold out, I tend to want more carbs & comfort food, so have to fight against that.  I weigh myself every couple of days now so it won't get out of control, more than it already is.  I used to just count the pounds & not the ounces or whatever, now I do both.  On the 11th, I weighed 321.8 & yesterday I weighed 321.6.  Wasn't happy about that.  I know that I won't lose 10 lbs in 2 days...but even a pound would have been better than nothing.  I don't feel like doing anything except going back to bed & not dealing with the world.  I'm tired of people who lie & cheat.  Hell I can't even tell the difference obviously.  I have never been a good judge of character.  It sucks.  I have a rational side & a crazy, selfish, negative side to my personality.  Did I tell you that I have Borderline Personality Disorder?  Anyway, I wish that my rational side was out there more...but it's not.  Guess maybe it's just something else i have to work on.  I have kept a journal (notebooks) since May 2013...the longest that I have ever had one.  I was reading back some over the past few months last night & all that was going on with Jeff.  I KNEW that when he went to his mom's on August 9th that he wasn't coming back except to get his stuff.  I had written it down that I was afraid that he wouldn't come back & he didn't.  I felt there was someone else already, even though he denied it...and I was right again.  I don't know why people find it so damn easy to lie to me.  They must think I'm stupid...I'm not.  

I'm in pain every day...well...to an extent.  I supposedly have Fibromyalgia.  I take Gabapentin for it.  My knees hurt so bad when I get up after sitting for awhile..but after I'm up & walking, I'm good.  My shoulders hurt, etc.  I try to ignore it mostly.  I don't like the fact that I'm only 45 & I have these issues already. It makes me worry about when I'm 65. But I try not to think about the future too much...or the past.  I know that I need to concentrate on the now.  There's only that.  

My ex husband...who lives with someone & has been with them for awhile...keeps trying to hook up with me.  I find it annoying.  At one time, I would have been all over that.  It took me a long time to get over him....like 2 fucking years of my life.  Now he just wants a booty call every now & then?  I'm not even remotely interested.  

I have a FWB now that I have only seen one time, but will maybe see him more.  He's way too young for me & he's just passing the time until he finds "the one."  I feel that since I won't see him that often, that we can mostly just be friends & if something else happens, then it does.  But as for a relationship or love...I'm not even planning on any of that again.  I try not to be cynical...but I so am right now.  

IGNORANCE IS BLISS?

I told you about Jeff.  Well I haven't really contacted him since October 11th...though there was something I had to talk to him about towards the end of last month & he did respond...but I would rather not talk about that.  Anyway, he DID block me on his phone, but could still send e-mails.  He had said that he would never have Facebook, because he didn't like social media...well on November 5th, I decided to type his name in a & see.  Well he had a page.  Not much was on it.  A picture of him & that he lived in Colorado Springs....OH YEAH...and that he was in a relationship with this girl...I thought that was really fast to be in another relationship, but whatever...I looked at her page & there were pictures of him & her kids in the store, etc.  Well I looked more closely at his page to see WHEN they got into a relationship.  I figured it was August when he moved out.  It said March 3, 2014!~  WTF?!   How in the hell did he pull that one off & were the last two years a lie???  I was SO upset!!  I sent him an e-mail pretty much saying what I just said. He didn't answer me...I sent another e-mail & it bounced back..so he had blocked me.  He took down his Facebook page & any comments that he had made on her page...but not before I got copies of them.  Yes I know...I'm psycho.  Not really though.  He had blamed ME for not trying in our relationship, that he was the one that was trying...kinda hard to try when you're investing yourself elsewhere.  He never bought me anything..I bought him a few things here & there.  Yet I believe he sent her flowers in May.  Found this out the other day too, of course.  I sent him another e-mail asking WHY he would do this & HOW he could even think about doing this to me...the one that he was supposedly "completely" in love with & wanted to marry.  It went thru, so guess he unblocked me on e-mail.  I haven't said anything to him since & he hasn't said anything to me.  You would think that he would at least man up & tell me how stupid I had been for MONTHS if not YEARS.  I sent her a message as well telling her that I didn't know what he had been telling her, but that him & I had been in a relationship for a couple of years & he had been living with me.  She never wrote back, but noticed today that she took his pictures off of her page...whatever that means.  Yes I can be a vindictive bitch.  But the way he left...that was bad enough...but to be LYING to me the entire time & then blaming me???   I'm not just going to take that lying down.  I didn't deserve this kind of hurt.  Not from him.  I trusted him totally.  Believed that we were forever.  Didn't think we would ever be totally out of each others lives, even if we were just friends.  We talked or texted EVERY day for over 2 years...then he just walked away.  How can I even trust another guy again?  I look at it this way...from now on, I will just believe that everyone is lying until they prove otherwise.  It's a crappy way to live, but I've had enough of being hurt.  I think this was an even worse betrayal than when my ex husband left me.  I have had a few hard moments not e-mailing him....but what is there to say?  He doesn't want to tell me what was going on for all of those months...and I can't make him.  He is the one who fucked up & the one who has to deal with it.  I'm not such a bad person...he gave up something good for MAYBE something that he thought was better.  I have to move on.  I miss him every day.  I think about him constantly.  I wish I didn't.  I know that it will fade in time.  That I obsess about everything under the sun & then move on to something else to obsess about.  

I have gained a shit load of weight.  I have been afraid to get on the scale.  I had been in the 290's for awhile...after getting down from 350.  Well I have steadily been gaining weight.  As of today, I'm 321!!  WTF??  I said I would NEVER get up to this point again & yet here I am.  I knew that I had gained weight, because my jeans were tighter, my shirts didn't fit right...but didn't realize it would be THIS bad.  So now I have to lose 22 lbs just to get below 300 again.  So fucking depressing.  But i will.  I will watch the carbs, will exercise, will drink more water.  Because I sure as hell don't want to be THIS heavy or even heavier than this.    I'm totally discouraged.  I really didn't think I was eating that much.  I HAD stopped working out, so thought that had a lot to do with it.  But I'm constantly wanting to eat the past week or so.:(  If I could just stay away from cookies, chips, doughnuts, bread, etc. etc. then all would be good, right?  But then how miserable would I be?  It doesn't matter though... I HAVE to lose this weight.  It's just not an option to let myself get bigger.

I want to ask..do any of you believe in magic?  Seriously?  Do you believe in spells?  Let me know your thoughts.

BE CAREFUL OF SCAMS

My son woke me up the other night about 12:30am freaking out. He had been on his phone & was looking for a music app.  He found one & downloaded it.  Well all of a sudden a "message from the FBI" popped up & there is no way to get it off of there.  These people have all of his information that was on his phone.  There is also a page on there...the one he is supposedly "in trouble" for.  It has 4 porn pictures...TWO of which are child porn!!  Neither of us needed to see something like that.  It's horrible & disgusting.  The site says that you have to send $500 or you will be arrested or some kind of crazy thing like that.  That if you attempt to get rid of the phone or anything, that that will be considered a crime as well.  He was NOT looking at child porn.  Hell he wasn't even looking AT porn.  I tried to call his dad, because I'm also freaking out a bit by now. You don't want to have child porn ANYWHERE.  I couldn't get ahold of my ex...so decided to call the police.  I didn't call 911, but used the sheriff's office number.  She told me that she would get it to the right officer & have him call me back.  He did a few minutes later. I told him all that was going on & he said there are a lot of scams like that out there now & you just have to be careful.  He asked if I wanted him to come by.  I told him that I did.   So he got here & I showed him the phone & all of the pages on the phone.  He took down some information.  He said some of the pages looked "official,." but that then some weren't...there was a page that had a place that you could pay with a moneypak.  He wrote a report on it & told me that he would file it so that there would be a record of it.  He also told me to get in touch with the FBI & Straight Talk (who the phone is thru).  I went to the FBI website & they have a place to tell them about any issues, so I sent them a message.  I haven't called Straight Talk yet.  Hopefully this was all just a stupid thing & nobody is in trouble.  My son finally got his phone working again & erased all of that junk.  He knows better now.  So be careful out there.

FRUSTRATED WITH LIFE

I just need to get past Jeff.  I need to move on.  I should have done it when he first left, but I didn't.  I kept contacting him & sometimes he would actually respond.  Now I haven't contacted him since October 11th & I'm proud of myself, because didn't think that I could actually do it.  I just keep remembering the good times.  I need to make myself remember the bad times as well.  I think the reason that I'm thinking about it so much now is because I'm going to see a friend tomorrow (her son & my two younger sons are friends).  She lives about an hour away & at the beginning of June, they had gone on a vacation for 10 days & Jeff & I did the house/pet sitting for them.  I loved being over there, just him & I, for 10 days.  We binge watched "Supernatural," played Scrabble, just hung out.  It was sooo nice.  Now I get to go back over there & have all of those memories.  Like I don't have enough here.  He was lucky moving away.  Sure there were some memories of us in Colorado Springs, but nothing like I have here.  He probably doesn't even think about me.  I have no idea.  On October 2nd, he sent me a text saying "I won't forget about you.  I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction."  It just makes me feel sick that we can't go back to the way it was.  Even if by some miracle, he wanted to come back, there is no trust there now. I'm just so lost.  He was my best friend.  I knew better than to do that.  I did that with my ex husband as well.  Make them my everything & then when they left...I had nothing.  Some people make a mistake & learn not to do that again...guess it takes me a couple of times...at least.  

My weight is out of control.  Even though I haven't gained any weight since the other day, I haven't lost any either.  I want to eat all of the time.  I don't even care at this point in time & I need to get out of that mindset.  In August/September when I thought that maybe I could get Jeff to come back...when I had hope that he would...I was exercising for at least an hour every day.  Then when I realized or accepted that he wasn't coming back...I slacked off.  I need to get back on track.  I need to lose this weight for me, not for anyone else.  I don't expect to meet some great guy if I "just lose enough weight."  I realize that I'm not good in relationships.  Jeff told me a few times that I was selfish.  So after he left, I asked a few of my "friends" if I was selfish & they all pretty much said "well not all of the time."  So guess I'm selfish & didn't know it.  I have taken care of people all of my life, was a people pleaser for a long time...so maybe I did decide to become a bit more selfish.  I have no idea.  But I didn't think that people saw me as that.  I have a lot of work to do on myself obviously.  I started seeing a therapist once a week about a month ago, so will see if that helps as well.  My life just feels out of control right now...and I can't deal with that.  

I CHOOSE THIS SITE

I have decided that, after using Wordpress briefly, that I like this site much better.   So I will be posting on my blog here from now on.  I'm no longer with Jeff.  He moved out in the middle of August...totally blindsided me.  Told me he wasn't happy, that he needed passion.  I don't know how long he had been planning on leaving before he actually left, but it doesn't really matter now.  The fact is, I was a mess for 2 months.  Even now...I'm just getting to the point where it doesn't hurt so much.  He moved 2 hours away...well back to Colorado Springs.  My birthday was on August 31st & it was one of the worst birthdays I have ever had.  He didn't even text me or call me until I texted him. I had known this guy for 2 years.  We had talked or texted every day of those 2 years except for one...actually we did for 25 months.  He was sweet, kind, funny, loyal, said I was his best friend, his forever, we were engaged.  Then he moved out & turned into a total dick.  Was mean, cold, cruel, rude, didn't give a shit about my feelings at all.  He had to do it for him, etc, etc.  He didn't even tell the kids bye.  Who the hell does something like that?  They had come to love him & he said he loved them too.  Anyway, at first, he said that it was cool if contacted him, but that if I called him, he wouldn't answer the phone & he didn't.  I last talked to him on the phone on September 10th.  He would say that he still loved me, but wasn't IN love with me (my ex husband said the same thing & Jeff KNEW that).  My ex also left in August...right before my 40th birthday & Jeff left in August right before my 45th birthday...talk about deja vu.  But it's the way he did it that made it all worse.  He's 31.  He's close to his mom (she's a cool person).  He would sometimes go down to Colorado Springs where she lives & spend a few days with her.  That's what he was going to do on August 9th for a week.  I had no issues with that.  But as soon as he left, he started ignoring me..which I hate..and he also knows that.  He would text every now & then that week & tell me that he loved me, but he was having doubts.  So I was a mess for that whole week.  He told me that his mom was bringing him back on August 16th & we would talk then...he doesn't drive.  He didn't know for sure yet if he wanted to stay with me or not.  So he shows up, his mom comes in, uses the bathroom & then leaves...but stays in town "just in case."  Well he came in, sat down, we made small talk for a few minutes & then he told me that he was going to go ahead & move out..that he wasn't sure until he came back & talked to me.  I was soooo upset & heartbroken.  I told him that I wasn't going to stay here & watch him pack, so I left & his mom came back & helped him.  I stayed down at my mom's that night, because I didn't want to stay in the apartment.  So Jeff & I texted the next morning (17th).  He told me that he was in so much pain the night before, that he was crying, that he missed us & loved us & wanted to come back...could I go get him?  Well hell yeah I could.  So I borrowed gas money from my mom...went down there, packed my car with his stuff & went by a store first, so he could sell some of his games & movies.  We were there for over an hour...we talked & stuff & thought all was cool.  We left there to drive back here...and were talking about things.  He then started crying (he doesn't cry often) & said he was sorry, he didn't know what he wanted, he was confused, he needed passion & he wanted that with me..but it wasn't there...well if you read my past blog entries...you will see that it was never really there...but we had an emotional & mental connection from the first.  OK, so we are about 20 minutes outside of Colorado Springs, I pull over & ask what he wants to do...he said he wanted to go back to his mom's!  So I took him back & was SO PISSED, was yelling, etc.  He kept saying he was sorry, that he loved me, that he just had to figure things out, etc.  When we got back to his mom's house, she came out, because I told him I wasn't helping him unpack my car.  So they did.  If I had known that was going to be the last time I saw him, I would have got out & given him a hug.  Instead I just gave him a kiss & left.  We used to text sometimes...sometimes he would answer me, but most times he didn't.  He did tell me that he had moved in with some roommates & that he was hanging out, but not dating a girl.  Which I was really upset about.  So, like I said, he treated me like crap on my birthday & then called it quits on September 5th.  For the next month..I texted him A LOT.  I was bordering on stalking really.  I just wanted answers.  I wanted to know when he stopped loving me, when he had decided to move out, if he was talking to someone before he left me, etc.  He never really answered any of those.  So earlier this month, he sent a text saying "I won't forget about you.  I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction."  He had threatened different times to block my number, because I was texting so much.  The night of October 11th...he said the he was done with all of this, that he was tired of going over the same shit & that he was going to block me for sure this time when he got home, that he had moved on, that he knew I hadn't & that was fine.  He said he hoped I found some happiness in my life & that it would be his last message & goodbye."  SO....I texted him yet again & told him not to block me, that I promised I wouldn't contact him again.  He never said anything back, so I don't know if I'm blocked or not, but I won't contact him again.  Not by text, phone, e-mail.  He had said that we could be friends...well that's what I wanted too.  I didn't want him totally out of my life.  But he wants ME out of HIS.  So I won't contact him again.  Which is really hard not to do.  I miss him.  Even though he's an ass.  I never saw that side of him in 2 years.  It was like he flipped a switch.  His mom & I get along...she's like 9 years older than me...so we may hang out sometime...because we are still friends.  She said that she just wouldn't discuss Jeff with me...which is fine.  The boys still ask about him...especially Matthew...but there's nothing I can do.  Jeff was the only guy that I had brought around them & I won't do it again.  Hell I don't even know if I can trust anyone again.  I totally trusted him & he bailed.  I HATE being ignored & he did it all the time after he left.  I wasn't over it yet, so I kept trying.  Kept hoping that he would come back.  How stupid is that?  It doesn't matter...I'm living day to day.  It'll keep getting better.  I don't always feel that way, but right now, I do.  I'm too old for this crap.  I was too happy & too content...and that worked against me.  At first, I was exercising every day for an hour & really trying to lose weight, but it wasn't going anywhere...I don't know if I was still eating too much or what.  Plus started taking Effexor in June...don't know if that has anything to do with anything.  I'm back over 300 lbs again.  I'm going to start low carb again tomorrow & start exercising again.  I had done it every day for like 4 weeks & then I stopped, because mom & I went out of town (a story for another time).  So now I need to get back into it.  I don't eat low carb all the time, because I can't afford it.  Jeff never paid for much while he was living with me, but when he started getting food stamps in April, he would at least use that for groceries, but then later, he would say that he always buys a ton of food for my kids & none for himself.  Money was also an issue.  He never had any unless his mom sent him some.  So I couldn't go to the movies with him or out to eat with him at any time, unless I paid.  Well now he has some job in Colorado Springs & he told me that he's clearing like $2100 a month.  He doesn't have kids to take care of or anything else.  So he has plenty of money every month which I'm sure he's using on some other girl.  He never bought me jewelry or anything like that.  I guess I should have known then.  

MOVING ON?

I'm not sure if I will stay with this blog right now...I have made another one at rubylane869.wordpress.com if you would like to follow me there.  I just feel that I wanted something different.  I'm not sure how I feel about that site yet.  I think this one...I have a lot more control over...or at least I know what I'm doing (to an extent!!)LOL  So for now...I think that's where I will be if you would like to follow me there.  Hope all is good in your world.

COMPUTER & STUFF

My computer is fried.  Too many viruses...can't get into a lot of my sites..even this one is being weird.  Jeff is getting a copy of Windows 7...going to have to totally erase my hard drive, which I'm not happy about, but there's really nothing else to do.  So need to spend the next day or so putting all of my picture files on Photo Bucket.  Will take a bit.  I don't know if I downloaded something funky...I try not to download much at all...or if my son Phillip had downloaded something.  He tends to do that even if I ask him not to.  He hasn't been using my computer too much lately, but the damage has been done. 

My weight is being ridiculous.  Well guess it's really ME that's being ridiculous.  Just feeling out of control with everything.  I want to eat ALL THE TIME.  It sucks.  I have been trying to be good....not to have any carbs or very little if I do.  I'm back up in the 300's & that's unacceptable.  I will figure it out though.  I won't/can't let myself get any higher than this.  It will just be all downhill from there if I do.  I watched a few episodes of "My 600 lb Life" the other night.  Some of those people are able to lose the weight with gastric bypass & some aren't.  A lot of it is mental & making you're stomach smaller won't necessarily help.  That would be me.  It's all mental for me for the most part.  One woman who frustrated me on there...she just decided she couldn't/wouldn't do it.  She was unable to get out of bed, so her husband was fixing all of her food.  He was basically enabling her.  If she can't get out of bed, then bring her less food or healthier food & not so much of it.  What is she going to do about it?  Yes she would bitch & complain, but that's about it.  She had a 5 year old son that she wasn't able to do anything with...go to his Kindergarten graduation etc, but she justified it my saying she was there for him more than a woman working would be.  Hanging out with him on her bed, getting him ready for Halloween, etc.  That isn't the same, but guess she made herself feel better by saying that.  She kept repeating the same thing...that she was a better mom than mom's who had to work for a living.  I was also frustrated with her husband.  He seemed resigned to the fact that she was the way she is, even though it was going to end up killing her.  She was on oxygen, had severe cellulitis in her legs.  I don't want to be anywhere NEAR that.  Don't want to give up like that.  I'm thankful that I can go for walks & do things with my kids. Yes I may get tired easily or my knees/hips may hurt after I go for a walk, but at least I can get out of bed...and for that I'm grateful.

WHERE IS THE LIGHT?

Having a hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel here.  Just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm tired.  Usually I can tell myself that it will get better..right now I just can't do that.  I just need to find a way to deal with how I feel about everything.  I need to quit being such a baby about how "hard" life is.  Everyone has their own demons to deal with...depression is just one of mine.  

FMM: ANIMALS

If you’ve taken part in FMM before then you are familiar with the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to read and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Animals

1. What is your favorite domestic animal?

Gonna have to go with cats on this one...though I do like small dogs as well.

2. What is your favorite farm animal?

Would have to say horses...though they terrify me a bit as well.

3. What is your favorite wild animal?

White tiger...they are beautiful!!

4. Which animal describes you the best?

I don't really know. I'm thinking some kind of bear....soft & cuddly.LOL  Unless you annoy me...then not nice.

5. If you were able to come back as an animal which one would it be?

A cheetah...how cool would it be to be THAT fast??

6. What do you think about zoos?

I like going to zoos.  Love being able to see the animals that I wouldn't get to see otherwise.  I think as long as they are taken well care of, that's all that matters.  I know that there are some zoos that don't take care of the animals like they should...those ones should be shut down.  

7. What do you think about animals in circuses?

I have enjoyed going to circuses when I was younger & I have also taken my kids to some.  But I think that the cages for the animals are too small, the animals aren't well taken care of & they just need a place to BE themselves & not be forced to do things that doesn't come naturally to them.

8. Do you have a favorite animal charity you like to support?

I really don't.  

9. Do you have a favorite ‘animal’ movie?

Thought that this was a really cute movie.:)

If you would like to participate in FMM...please go to losingweightandhavingfun.com

FMM: COLORS (5-5-14)

So welcome to FMM’s new permanent home, and a nice new logo to go with it. Everything else is pretty much staying the same, but I would love some feedback from you guys, do you have any ideas to mix things up, or ideas for topics/questions? I would love to feature one of you a month with your questions. If you are interested please shoot me an email: sarah@losingweightandhavingfun.com

If you’ve taken part in FMM before then you are familiar with the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to read and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Colors

1. When you look out of your nearest window – what is the first color you see?

Gray of the apartment building across from me

2. How colorful was your last meal?

Well...had hot & spicy's from McDonald's!!LOL  So...brown, green (lettuce), white (mayo)

3. What color is your car/bike/main mode of transport?

White....2009 Chevrolet Impala

4. What color clothes are you wearing?

A black shirt with bright pink on the front & blue jeans

5. If you have pets – what color are they?

Don't have any pets..

6. What color is your hair?

Well...it's blonde now...but over the past few months...it has been dark purple, light purple, lilac, bright pink, red.:)  I'm calling it a mid-life crisis.

7. What color ink do you prefer to write in?

Doesn't really matter...but will have to say black is my fave ink color.

8. What color is your favorite sports team?

Black & Gold...Go Saints!!:)

9. What color are your favorite pair of shoes?

Blue & Black

10. What is your favorite flower and if it comes in multiple colors what is your favorite color?

Lilacs....purple!!:)

DEPRESSION

This is one of the worst depressions I have ever had hands down.  I don't feel like doing anything, take joy in nothing.  Even thinking about getting up in the morning fills me with anxiety.  I have no energy & just don't care about anything.  I take that back...I care about my kids, Jeff & my mom.  That's it.  Don't get me wrong, I AM grateful for everything that I DO have.  I just can't get out of this dark hole that I'm in right now.  There are bills that I can't pay....I have to double up on rent next month.  I can't pay the TV, the phones, storage..or any of the other bills I have.  Getting the car was a necessity...but it's making it almost impossible for us to survive financially.  They took $500 out at the beginning of the month as part of the down payment.  They are going to take another $500 out on June 3rd for the rest.  Yet the car dealership doesn't even have us financed yet.  Why did they even let us take it off the lot in the first place??  I don't get it.  I told them my credit was bad, etc.  They have tried numerous places to get me financed...I know this because I keep getting denial letters in the mail.  So far I have like 10 of them.  I'm supposed to have a $340 car payment due on June 14th.  But guess they can't do that if I'm not financed by then?  Do they then take the car back?  I don't get it.  All I know is that, for the forseeable future, we are screwed.  We make it thru May & June without any extra money, including for food...because I don't qualify for food stamps...with 3 boys who love to eat...then we have to make double or triple payments on everything in July, so that month is screwed as well.  Then school starts in August...so new clothes, school supplies, pictures, sports, etc.  When does this ever end??  I can't see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I look forward to nothing.  Just trying to get thru the days.  It sucks when you feel that you have to get "thru life."  I'm glad to be alive.  I just can't seem to find the enjoyment in it right now.  I know Jeff tries to understand.  He puts up with a lot of shit from me.  I need to get a grip.  I can't keep going on like this.  I do know that.

SATURDAY

Do any of you ever have one of those days where you just can't think of a title for your post?  This is one of those days for me.  I have no clue, so just went with the basic.:)

They poured the cement for my step-dad's tombstone yesterday.  He has been gone for 10 months today.  I still miss him so much it hurts & I know that I will never get totally past that.  Mom & I went out by there not too long after they poured it, so I put initials in it...mine, my kids, my nieces & my sisters.  Yes I know it's weird...I had never done that before, so it's a new kind of weird for me.:)   The tombstone will cover it when it's put up, but that's OK.  It was just something that we wanted to do & WE will know that it's there.  He liked "Hershey's Kisses."  So my niece, Justine, had gotten a necklace with one & she took off the chain & put the "sparkly kiss" in the cement, towards the edge, so maybe even after they put the stone up, you will be able to see it & it will just be there forever.  That is what we are hoping anyway.

Matthew spent the night at a friend's house last night.  He doesn't do that very often & I always worry about him.  Wondering if he's OK, behaving, having a good time, etc.  Guess it's just a mom thing.  He was with Wyatt all day yesterday as well.  They are in this "group" for LEGO Robotics that meets every Friday for a few weeks.  So they walked to where Wyatt's mom works after that.  I told Matthew to call me when he got there, so I know he made it OK.  He doesn't have a cellphone, because he lost the first one he had. He has a hard time remembering things, so I feel that we should wait awhile now before getting him another one.  I don't hear from him.  I'm then later driving down by that way & I see him & Wyatt, so I stop & say "I told you to call me when you got to where is mom works" & he's like "you did?"  Yep that's my kid.LOL  He asks that if it's OK with Wyatt's mom if he can spend the night.  I told him to let me know what all was going on....3 hours later...he finally calls.  So I got the cellphone number & everything.  That kid worries me a lot.LOL

Jeff & I are just hanging out in the apartment by ourselves this weekend.  Phillip is with Dave, Dominic is at mom's (he's there every weekend...I think he just wants a break from is brothers), & Matthew will be with either Dave or mom after he gets back from Wyatt's house.  So we're just going to be hermits.  Get caught up on some shows on the DVR & we're also doing a whole "Supernatural" marathon on Netflix.:)  I love that show.  I used to watch it all the time, but have missed like the last 3-4 seasons.  So we're trying to get caught up.  We're still on the 1st season, but we'll get there eventually.  I'm just glad I found a guy that likes to have "TV show marathons.":)  I'm also trying to get caught up on "Chicago Fire" & "Blue Bloods" on-line.  Then have a few more episodes of "NCIS: Los Angeles" to watch before I'm totally caught up.  Not sure how I got so far behind on all of these.  There are a few other shows that Jeff & I watch together: "The Following" (now THAT'S a disturbing, dark show), "Ink Master" (totally love it!), "Crisis," "Believe," "Intelligence" (amazing), "Elementary" (LOVE IT).  I also watch "Biggest Loser" when it's on.  On every show, there are certain characters that I like, but I don't usually like ALL of the characters, but on NCIS: Los Angeles, I love ALL of them.  "Deeks" & "Kensi" are my faves though.:)

WEIGHT UPDATE

I think I will have a "weight update" from time to time.  That way, it's in it's own post.  I can be so organized on here, on Pinterest, etc. but in "real life," I suck at it.  I have been trying not to eat much the past couple of days.  I'm doing low carb, but that's expensive at times & I just don't have the money right now.  So it's just easier to not deal with food.  I get so tired of the thoughts in my head.  Constantly thinking about food...what I should eat, what I want to eat, when I'm going to eat, how many calories or carbs are in whatever it is I'm thinking about eating, berating myself for not being stronger than this fucking food addiction/obession.  It's tiring.  Jeff says it's always about my weight...he means that I'm always bringing it up or making sarcastic comments about myself or joking about me being fat.  I can't seem to help it...it's just a normal thing right now.  Maybe always will be, but I'm trying to be more conscious of it & not do it so much.  I wake up thinking about food, think about food all day, go to bed thinking about food.  Always eating too much or too little (though the too little rarely happens).  Starving myself & then bingeing.  Being pissed off that I don't have more self control.  Letting the scale dictate my mood for the day.  Being bitchy to everyone because I can't eat what I want to eat.  Yet I know that I'm the one who got myself to this point.  If I don't eat, I don't feel well & get very bitchy & mean.  Jeff now knows what is going on and tells me to eat something NOW.  All the good stuff has carbs in it.  Carbs & I don't get along anymore.  I can put on some serious pounds in a week by eating too many carbs.  Don't even know how much weight I could gain in a month if I just ate all the carbs I wanted to.  I used to drink A LOT of Mt. Dew, but gave that up years ago & started drinking diet coke.  Now people are telling me not to drink that because of the aspartame & maybe that's part of why I don't feel good.  So now I'm pissed off about that.  Do I have to give up everything??  So I have been trying to stay away from all soda...but I love carbonation.  I crave it sometimes.  I don't like getting regular cokes or whatever anymore, because there are a lot of calories & carbs in those.  So I have just been drinking energy drinks here & there & trying to stay away from the stuff I really want.  One Summer a few years ago....it was what I like to call "The Strawberry Slush Summer."  I swear I was at Sonic every day getting a Route 44 Strawberry Slush...sometimes TWICE a day.  Yeah...not so great for my weight, but loved the stuff.  But kicked that too, because that was just putting way too much weight on.  I get obsessed with certain things for awhile & then get past it...except with food.  Can't get past that, because we NEED food, so can't just stop eating.  Though one doctor when I was younger told me that's what I should do.  Jeff & I have been going for walks...but not as much as we did before I had a vehicle again.  Need to start.  We did go on a long walk on Friday.  About kicked my butt though.  My friend bought me a very cool pedometer, so have been wearing that around.  You're supposed to get 10,000 steps in a day.  I average 2,000-3,000 usually.  So I'm a long way from what I'm supposed to be.  I did walk over 10,000 steps on Friday...but damn that's a lot of walking.  I wouldn't even complain about that much, but my left ankle...well I don't even know how to explain it.  I don't have any arches anymore.  A few years ago, my ankle really hurt & I had an X-ray done.  The doctor said I had a bone spur, but never said anything else about it, so I just let it go & just ignored the pain as much as I could & have ever since.  But now...I don't know if it was because of the bone spur or something else, but I like walk on the inside of my foot.  It's kinda weird.  So my whole ankle hurts most days when I walk on it.  I can't even straighten it out anymore.  So after walking for awhile, it gets pretty bad.  I get frustrated with my body for not working "right" & not cooperating with me.  

CLOUDY DAYS

It's cold, cloudy & windy here.  Snowing in the mountains.  I'm not going to complain too much, because I know the hot is coming...and I can't stand it when it's too hot...so will enjoy the cooler weather while I can. :)  If it could stay around 65-75 degrees, I would be good!

Took Jeff to the ER on  Saturday night.  His stomach was causing him some serious pain.  They said that everything looked OK and to just take probiotics & eat yogurt, because he may have too much bad bacteria instead of good.  The scary thing is his blood pressure...it was 166/116.  He's 30.  Every male member on his mom's side has died of a heart attack.:(  So it's not good.  They gave him a prescription for some blood pressure medicine, but told him he needs to get a regular doctor so they can monitor him.  I know he's freaking out about it.  

My niece, Taylor, turned 16 on the 14th...I sent her a text and told her Happy Birthday & that I loved her.  I heard nothing back.  She had prom last Saturday.  I texted her & told her to have fun.  Then commented on her Facebook page how pretty she looked, etc....still nothing.  It's rude & disrespectful.  I don't know what her issue is.  Granted, I don't get to see her very often (even though we live in the same town), but I still love her & would like to have some sort of contact with her.  But her mom (my sister Bev) is kinda like that too.  She has her own life going on & she's a private person, but it would be nice to be able to talk to her or hang out with her from time to time.  She always says (when she does answer me) that we will get together "soon" for coffee or just to hang out.  I don't know what soon means to her, but it's been months now since we have hung out.  She was really good with mom at first when Duke (step-dad) passed away...now she doesn't talk to mom that much either, which really pisses me off.  I mean WTF?  I just don't get people sometimes...especially family.

I updated my links on my page...so when you click on Tagged & Pinterest, it actually goes to my pages instead of just the site.  Sorry about that for anyone who may have tried those & it didn't work.  Forgot to update everything...I forget a lot of things these days actually.  VERY annoying.

The depression is kicking my butt at the moment.  Not sure why.  It comes and goes.  Phillip has it really bad too.  Jeff has never had depression & can't understand why Phillip would be depressed because "what does he have to be depressed about, he's 16?"  He at least tries to understand me & my moods.  If someone has never had depression, it's very hard to explain what it feels like.  

FMM: LIFE SKILLS

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Life Skills

1. Do you know how to drive a stick shift?

Yes I do....though it took me awhile at first!!  A lot of stalls...LOL

2. Do you know how to jump start a car?

Nope

3. Do you know how to perform CPR?

I took a CPR class a long time ago.  I would like to think that I could still do it, but probably should take a refresher course.

4. Do you know how to hang a picture?

Yes...if I can just get it straight!!;)

5. Do you know how to ski?

Nope...which is funny, because for most of my life I have lived 24 miles from a ski area!!LOL  I also worked at the ski area...taking care of the kids at the ski school until it was their time to ski or their parents picked them up.  Was just too scared to try I think...I wouldn't even attempt it now.

6. Can you draw a basic map of the world?

I hate to say this...but probably not!!LOL

7. Can you do a decent dive into a swimming pool?

I can swim, but I can't dive.  I would try when I took swim lessons when I was a kid...but just couldn't get the hang of it & so performed a lot of belly flops...ouch!

8. Can you open a champagne bottle?

No....I don't like champagne at all..so no great loss.:)

9. Do you know what to do if you spill red wine on the carpet?

No...but could watch a youtube video.:)

10. Do you know the proper way to fold a fitted sheet?

Another no...LOL   I have always been horrible at this.  

FMM; DAILY ROUTINES (April 21st)

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Daily Routines

1.Do you eat breakfast each day? If so what?

I really can't eat breakfast.  I may eat breakfast food later in the day, but until around noon...if I eat anything, it makes me feel sick.  So even though I'm hungry in the mornings sometimes, I don't usually eat.

2. How do you commute to work/school and how long does it take?

I don't work right now & don't have school...except when I take my kids.  So I will use that.  I drive a 2009 Chevrolet Impala...it takes about 10 minutes each way.

3. What is the first website you go to each day?

It used to be Facebook, but now it's mostly Pinterest.

4. Do you check email/facebook/twitter before you get out of bed?

No....I have the computer on the kitchen table most of the time, so I get up and go out there first.

5. Do you take lunch to works/school from home?

Not applicable to me.

6. What time do you normally finish work/get home?

I pick the kids up at 4:10pm...so after that.

7. Do you tend to plan your evening meals in advance or do you grab something on your way home?

I need to start planning meals.  It would be cheaper and maybe healthier that way.  I have a very bad habit of just grabbing fast food for everyone.

8. What do you typically do in the evening to relax?

Surf the net, read books on my Kindle or just watch TV shows and zone out for awhile.

9. Do you fit exercise into your daily routine, if so how?

I don't on a regular basis...especially now since I finally have a vehicle again.  But  I try to go for walks...though I need to do more.

10. If you had an extra hour in your day what would you do with it?

I would probably write a real letter or two.  Maybe catch up on another episode of one of my fave TV shows....I should probably put exercise though.LOL