I'm having issues. Obviously I still love and care about Dave too much.:( Every time he goes up to Denver to see Gracie...for the few days before, while he's there and for a couple of days after he gets back..I'm pretty much a bitch.:( I can barely live with myself. I get moody and everything else. It's hard. We got into an argument last night and I get a little loud at times. It started in person, but then it was over the phone. So he told me while we were on the phone that he didn't have to put up with me yelling at him and he hung up on me!!! I hate that!!! He has never done that before. I get sooo damn annoyed. He doesn't want to just sit down and talk to me about anything. He has never once sat down and told the kids anything about what is going on and he's the one that left! Why should I have to be the one??? Then all 3 of them are upset that he's planning on moving. He hasn't told them much about that. I told them that if they are upset about it, then they need to tell him that. Me telling him that just causes another fight. I'm soooo mad at him right now. Dominic (9 year old) doesn't show emotions much. Last night, he kept asking me if he could have a hug. Then I asked him if he was sad and he said "kinda" and I asked why. He said he didn't want dad to move. Dave thinks that this is all going to be so fucking easy and that the kids will "adapt." Whatever. He doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself. Phillip is going to Denver with him this weekend and it's hard for me to let him go, but I'm not going to make him feel bad about it. Dave doesn't want to hear that he's being a selfish jerk. Then he wants me to meet Gracie. Yes I have to at some point, but I don't think I should have to any time soon. She knows way too much about me and I feel uncomfortable with that and a lot of other things. Dave has told her God knows what and I don't like her having that kind of power over me. Obviously I haven't totally let go of Dave and I need to start. We have been talking and acting like she's not in the picture. Talking and joking like we used to when we were together. It doesn't mean anything to him, because he is over me. But it means something to me, because I'm not over him. So I just need to work on staying away from him, not talking to him, depending on him for things, etc. It's not going to be easy. But nothing ever is. He's the one I have turned to for years...how do I get past that? I have no idea.
As for the kids...I don't know what to do. They go and spend time with him every day. I don't have a problem with that..I think it's a good idea. In the divorce papers, he has them on weekends and that's pretty much it. So I have been being decent about it...having them go over there daily. BUT here's my thing. They are so used to going over there every day and seeing him, spending time with him, having fun with him, etc. Then one of these days..in the not too far future..he will be 3 hours away. Shouldn't I then start just having them go over a few times a week and then on weekends? Then cut the weekly thing down some more until they just see him on the weekends, so it won't be such a shock to their systems when he's not here at all anymore? I don't know what to do.
I don't even want to answer his calls today (if he does call), because what's the point? But then I'm being immature, right? I just don't feel like dealing with him today. Starting next week, I think I will just start picking the boys up from school instead of them going over to his place..actually his sisters' place. At least for next week and see how it goes. I just need to chill out and try to figure out my life without him and distance myself from him as much as I can. I should have done it a long time ago.
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Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
THE GUYS IN MY LIFE....
I guess that title makes me sound like a ho.LOL I'm not. Just have guy friends and some are more involved than others. It's funny, because there are times that I can go weeks without hearing from any of them (with the exception of my ex) and then all of a sudden, they are all back in my life again and wanting to hang out, talk, etc. I want to write freely in my blog and hope I can do that. I feel a little weird, I guess, because I live in a small town and if someone from here read this...then it would be all over town. So should I use real names of these guys or "fake" names? I really don't know. I hate having to censor myself or worry about what I should or shouldn't say. Well, for now, I will just keep it real and tell it like it is. That may change in the future if circumstances call for it.
Arturo: the prisoner that has been in my life since February 2010. Who I could always talk to, rely on, etc. I looked forward to his letters, because he was sooo funny and cool and could always make me laugh. Used to go visit him, talk about marriage when he got out, etc. I won't go into the details here, but in November things started to change and just got worse from there. He called on March 20th and pretty much told me that it was over..that he didn't need my drama. THIS coming from a guy who told me he would never bail on me, would always be my friend no matter what, loved me, wanted to be with me when he got out, etc. Believe it or not, I believed him. I tend to trust people until they give me a reason not to. Still can't believe that he bailed. Just because he is a convict, doesn't mean he is automatically a "bad person." There are plenty of "regular" people in the world that are just as bad or even more so. He goes up for parole again in May. I really hope that he does get it, but I can't go back to what was. He has proven to me that when the going gets tough...that he can't deal with it and won't be there for me. He has proven that he can't be trusted and doesn't really give a crap about my feelings. Would I still like to hear from him? Yes I would, because I don't just stop caring for someone that easily, but it will never be the same and I think that sucks.
Dave: my ex and the father of my 3 sons. I have loved him for years and will continue to love him until the day I die. No matter what has happened in the past couple of years, I will never totally get him out of my system. We should have worked harder on our marriage, shouldn't have took each other for granted..but it's over now and I hate it. Hate that he is with someone else. Maybe it wouldn't be AS bad if he wasn't with the woman he left me for. That they are sooo damn happy..even though she lives 3 hours away and he only gets to see her once or twice a month right now. He will be moving up there sometime and it bothers me to no end. That he won't be here for our boys...that he won't be there for me. Yes I said it. He was my best friend for 13 years as well as my husband and that was taken away from me as well. So yes, it still hurts and I still have some anger and resentment. Have I used the kids to hurt him? Unfortunately, yes I have. Just threatening him with not being able to see them again, etc. But I would never really do that. They love him and he loves them. But with him moving...I know where is priorities lie and I think that sucks. HE'S the priority and SHE'S the priority...his kids aren't. They should be. I wish they would live closer, so the boys could see him often like they do now. But at this point in time, I don't think that's going to happen.
Dave and I are getting along really well right now...because I don't talk about anything "serious" anymore. I don't let him see how much things are bothering me. What is the point? If I tell him my concerns..he just gets defensive and we end up getting into a big argument and I leave feeling even more pissed off. It's just better to "go with the flow," even though that's hard for me to do.
Bruce: My 1st love. Met him in Job Corps in Montana in July 1989. Was an intense kind of thing and wish it wouldn't have ended. This is the first time in all these years that we have both been single at the same time. He lives in Alaska. We had lost touch for years, but a couple of years ago..."found" each other again and wrote from time to time. We were both happily married to other people and we were fine with being "just friends." Though we both have fond memories of when "we were young and carefree." Now it's different. We both have the same feelings that we did back then. We talk more on the phone. He wants me to go visit him in Alaska in July (he's paying for the plane ticket!) At that time, it will be over 21 years since I've seen him in person. I know that a lot of things change, but it will be awesome to see him again and see if "it" is still there. But what if it is? Then what? He lives in ALASKA and I'm in Colorado. Dave will not let me move the kids out of state and certainly not that far away. I won't give my kids up. So I don't see how it would work. But I don't care....I just want to see him again and spend some time with him. Will deal with everything else as it comes up. Do the day to day thing.
Ron: A guy I talk to who lives up by Denver. We haven't met in person yet..met him on-line and we text and talk on the phone. He seems like a really cool guy...but I seem to attract a certain kind of person..has been that way since I was younger. Though Dave and Bruce are the exceptions. The type of guy I attract: usually an ex-con, who has no job, no car, no place of their own. Who smokes pot, drinks. Who may or may not have a temper. That is Ron. He's a sweet guy, but seriously do I want him around my kids? Not if he would continue to drink, smoke pot, not get a job, etc. But don't want to totally rule him out either, because he's not just that. He's sweet, caring, funny and hot. If it was just me..I would have already went up and met him and who knows what, but it's not just me. It's me and MY KIDS and I WON'T put them in danger. So who knows where this will go if anywhere.
Chris: He lives in Las Vegas. Met him last July when I went to Vegas for a friends's wedding. He is a sweet guy. Is the chemistry there? Yes somewhat. But it's mostly a friend thing. We have kept in contact and I'm going out there to see him on April 18th-22nd. It would never be a serious thing. Just hang out, talk and work thru his "women" problems.LOL Like I said, it's mostly a friend thing with us. I look forward to going to Vegas though! I hope him and I will always be friends.
"Big Mike" and Derek...both great guys. But they just want to use me as a booty call. Am I willing to be that? I want more than that. I don't think either one of them are capable of that at this point in time. They are both great friends and I hope I don't lose that. Derek lives hours away, so not really worried about that. We only talk from time to time. "Big Mike" and I text a lot and he lives much closer. So we will most likely see each other and hang out every now and then. Will it be a sexual thing? I don't know, but I do know that is friendship means a lot to me and I care about him.
So there you have it. So when I talk about them in the future, everyone will have a basic idea of who I'm talking about.:)
Arturo: the prisoner that has been in my life since February 2010. Who I could always talk to, rely on, etc. I looked forward to his letters, because he was sooo funny and cool and could always make me laugh. Used to go visit him, talk about marriage when he got out, etc. I won't go into the details here, but in November things started to change and just got worse from there. He called on March 20th and pretty much told me that it was over..that he didn't need my drama. THIS coming from a guy who told me he would never bail on me, would always be my friend no matter what, loved me, wanted to be with me when he got out, etc. Believe it or not, I believed him. I tend to trust people until they give me a reason not to. Still can't believe that he bailed. Just because he is a convict, doesn't mean he is automatically a "bad person." There are plenty of "regular" people in the world that are just as bad or even more so. He goes up for parole again in May. I really hope that he does get it, but I can't go back to what was. He has proven to me that when the going gets tough...that he can't deal with it and won't be there for me. He has proven that he can't be trusted and doesn't really give a crap about my feelings. Would I still like to hear from him? Yes I would, because I don't just stop caring for someone that easily, but it will never be the same and I think that sucks.
Dave: my ex and the father of my 3 sons. I have loved him for years and will continue to love him until the day I die. No matter what has happened in the past couple of years, I will never totally get him out of my system. We should have worked harder on our marriage, shouldn't have took each other for granted..but it's over now and I hate it. Hate that he is with someone else. Maybe it wouldn't be AS bad if he wasn't with the woman he left me for. That they are sooo damn happy..even though she lives 3 hours away and he only gets to see her once or twice a month right now. He will be moving up there sometime and it bothers me to no end. That he won't be here for our boys...that he won't be there for me. Yes I said it. He was my best friend for 13 years as well as my husband and that was taken away from me as well. So yes, it still hurts and I still have some anger and resentment. Have I used the kids to hurt him? Unfortunately, yes I have. Just threatening him with not being able to see them again, etc. But I would never really do that. They love him and he loves them. But with him moving...I know where is priorities lie and I think that sucks. HE'S the priority and SHE'S the priority...his kids aren't. They should be. I wish they would live closer, so the boys could see him often like they do now. But at this point in time, I don't think that's going to happen.
Dave and I are getting along really well right now...because I don't talk about anything "serious" anymore. I don't let him see how much things are bothering me. What is the point? If I tell him my concerns..he just gets defensive and we end up getting into a big argument and I leave feeling even more pissed off. It's just better to "go with the flow," even though that's hard for me to do.
Bruce: My 1st love. Met him in Job Corps in Montana in July 1989. Was an intense kind of thing and wish it wouldn't have ended. This is the first time in all these years that we have both been single at the same time. He lives in Alaska. We had lost touch for years, but a couple of years ago..."found" each other again and wrote from time to time. We were both happily married to other people and we were fine with being "just friends." Though we both have fond memories of when "we were young and carefree." Now it's different. We both have the same feelings that we did back then. We talk more on the phone. He wants me to go visit him in Alaska in July (he's paying for the plane ticket!) At that time, it will be over 21 years since I've seen him in person. I know that a lot of things change, but it will be awesome to see him again and see if "it" is still there. But what if it is? Then what? He lives in ALASKA and I'm in Colorado. Dave will not let me move the kids out of state and certainly not that far away. I won't give my kids up. So I don't see how it would work. But I don't care....I just want to see him again and spend some time with him. Will deal with everything else as it comes up. Do the day to day thing.
Ron: A guy I talk to who lives up by Denver. We haven't met in person yet..met him on-line and we text and talk on the phone. He seems like a really cool guy...but I seem to attract a certain kind of person..has been that way since I was younger. Though Dave and Bruce are the exceptions. The type of guy I attract: usually an ex-con, who has no job, no car, no place of their own. Who smokes pot, drinks. Who may or may not have a temper. That is Ron. He's a sweet guy, but seriously do I want him around my kids? Not if he would continue to drink, smoke pot, not get a job, etc. But don't want to totally rule him out either, because he's not just that. He's sweet, caring, funny and hot. If it was just me..I would have already went up and met him and who knows what, but it's not just me. It's me and MY KIDS and I WON'T put them in danger. So who knows where this will go if anywhere.
Chris: He lives in Las Vegas. Met him last July when I went to Vegas for a friends's wedding. He is a sweet guy. Is the chemistry there? Yes somewhat. But it's mostly a friend thing. We have kept in contact and I'm going out there to see him on April 18th-22nd. It would never be a serious thing. Just hang out, talk and work thru his "women" problems.LOL Like I said, it's mostly a friend thing with us. I look forward to going to Vegas though! I hope him and I will always be friends.
"Big Mike" and Derek...both great guys. But they just want to use me as a booty call. Am I willing to be that? I want more than that. I don't think either one of them are capable of that at this point in time. They are both great friends and I hope I don't lose that. Derek lives hours away, so not really worried about that. We only talk from time to time. "Big Mike" and I text a lot and he lives much closer. So we will most likely see each other and hang out every now and then. Will it be a sexual thing? I don't know, but I do know that is friendship means a lot to me and I care about him.
So there you have it. So when I talk about them in the future, everyone will have a basic idea of who I'm talking about.:)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
WHY AM I UP?????
It's almost 6:00am, but I have been up since around 3:00am!!!!!!!!! It's like this every day anymore. I wake up around 3 or 4 and can't go back to sleep for awhile, so I get on the computer. I plan on going back to bed in awhile (I sleep better between like 7:00am-11:00am..have no idea why). I try not to sleep that late though...it just wastes the day.:( I have had a hard time sleeping since Dave left. That was in August 2009 for pete's sake!! I still don't sleep in the room we used to sleep in..my oldest son sleeps in there. That might change one day...don't really know.
I will admit that I TRIED not to eat yesterday..but that didn't work very well.LOL I get cranky and feel sick when I don't eat. I just really need to try to control HOW MUCH I eat and WHAT I eat. If I can do that, I will be OK. I have been exercising again..I feel sooo much better when I do! Just some days, I'm not so motivated...but force myself to do it anywho and am always glad I did. It's about that time of the month again..or is it??? Have no idea..because my period (for any guys reading this..sorry to gross you out)LOL...shows up when it feels like it anymore. First it was around the 20th of the month, then the 23rd, 25th, 28th and last month (or I should say earlier this month) it was on the 2nd!! Not a good thing for trying to plan vacations and all around!! I find it annoying. Luckily I haven't had cramps this time. Last time..I had cramps for like 2-3 weeks before I actually got it!!:(
I want a boyfriend..a relationship...BUT I was thinking about it. I do want those things..no doubt. But my house isn't that big and it's me and 3 boys living here. I can't imagine getting to the point of letting some guy move in with us. As it is, the boys and I have a certain routine down. Plus I can come and go as I please, watch whatever I want to on TV, clean when I want to (I really need to do more of that!), etc. I don't even know if I could stand living with a guy again. It's crazy. I loved living with Dave. But now that I've been without him for this long...I just don't know how I would be able to do that. I have never brought any guys around my kids and I won't until I'm sure it's a serious relationship. I just don't know how that is going to happen at this point. I still talk to Ron (the guy up by Denver) and MIGHT go see him the weekend of April 8th. Will see about the weather and all. Plus it's like a 3 hour or so drive. I'm just conflicted about a lot of things. I want to eventually find "the one," but how can I make sure that I don't end up with someone who is an idiot??LOL My old bf from Job Corp (almost 22 years ago!!) wants me to go see him for a week this summer in Alaska!! I think I posted that before. So I would really like to do that. But then if it works out..then what? Dave won't let me move the kids out of state. I'm pretty sure Bruce wouldn't move down here. Why does life have to be so confusing?? Why should Dave be able to just up and move to Denver and leave his kids behind, yet I can't do what I would like to do? He'll be away from the kids either way, so I don't know what his problem is. He lives in his own little world and thinks everything is going to be great...he is going to have a rude awakening I do believe. He only sees his gf a couple of weekends a month if that and it's probably fun and like a vacation. Living with someone full time and having to deal with each other and all the crap that goes on..well I don't think it's going to be that much fun for him...plus having her kids and grandkids around all the time. Hell I hope he misses HIS kids and doesn't turn into a complete ass and ignore them. I don't think he will, but I never thought he'd leave either.
I will admit that I TRIED not to eat yesterday..but that didn't work very well.LOL I get cranky and feel sick when I don't eat. I just really need to try to control HOW MUCH I eat and WHAT I eat. If I can do that, I will be OK. I have been exercising again..I feel sooo much better when I do! Just some days, I'm not so motivated...but force myself to do it anywho and am always glad I did. It's about that time of the month again..or is it??? Have no idea..because my period (for any guys reading this..sorry to gross you out)LOL...shows up when it feels like it anymore. First it was around the 20th of the month, then the 23rd, 25th, 28th and last month (or I should say earlier this month) it was on the 2nd!! Not a good thing for trying to plan vacations and all around!! I find it annoying. Luckily I haven't had cramps this time. Last time..I had cramps for like 2-3 weeks before I actually got it!!:(
I want a boyfriend..a relationship...BUT I was thinking about it. I do want those things..no doubt. But my house isn't that big and it's me and 3 boys living here. I can't imagine getting to the point of letting some guy move in with us. As it is, the boys and I have a certain routine down. Plus I can come and go as I please, watch whatever I want to on TV, clean when I want to (I really need to do more of that!), etc. I don't even know if I could stand living with a guy again. It's crazy. I loved living with Dave. But now that I've been without him for this long...I just don't know how I would be able to do that. I have never brought any guys around my kids and I won't until I'm sure it's a serious relationship. I just don't know how that is going to happen at this point. I still talk to Ron (the guy up by Denver) and MIGHT go see him the weekend of April 8th. Will see about the weather and all. Plus it's like a 3 hour or so drive. I'm just conflicted about a lot of things. I want to eventually find "the one," but how can I make sure that I don't end up with someone who is an idiot??LOL My old bf from Job Corp (almost 22 years ago!!) wants me to go see him for a week this summer in Alaska!! I think I posted that before. So I would really like to do that. But then if it works out..then what? Dave won't let me move the kids out of state. I'm pretty sure Bruce wouldn't move down here. Why does life have to be so confusing?? Why should Dave be able to just up and move to Denver and leave his kids behind, yet I can't do what I would like to do? He'll be away from the kids either way, so I don't know what his problem is. He lives in his own little world and thinks everything is going to be great...he is going to have a rude awakening I do believe. He only sees his gf a couple of weekends a month if that and it's probably fun and like a vacation. Living with someone full time and having to deal with each other and all the crap that goes on..well I don't think it's going to be that much fun for him...plus having her kids and grandkids around all the time. Hell I hope he misses HIS kids and doesn't turn into a complete ass and ignore them. I don't think he will, but I never thought he'd leave either.
Friday, March 25, 2011
STARTING AGAIN.....
How many times do I start a "diet" over???? I'm sooooo tired of this. I feel bloated and "icky" tonight. I just can't deal with how I fat I feel. I just need to NOT eat hardly at all. Mostly water and protein shakes. Maybe I'll eat a little for dinner. I really don't know. All I know is that I can't handle feeling like I do now. Why do I have to think about food all of the time? It's an obsession. Why can't I be "normal?" Whatever that is? I can totally see why some people turn into anorexics. I just don't know how they can't eat AT ALL. I know for a fact that I can't go to that extreme...I love food too damn much. Will try this for the weekend and let you know how it goes. If it works, then will try my best to stick with it. I weighed today and I was 298. I HAVE to get as far away from 300 as I can and NOT in the other direction! Will weigh on Monday. Just hope I can do this and stick with it.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
ABC'S OF ME.....questions taken from a fellow blogger.:)
ABC's of Me
A. Age - 41
B. Bed size - King
C. Chore you hate - Basically all!!LOL Though I really don't like folding and putting clothes away.
D. Dogs - I'm not really a dog person...more of a cat person, but I do like smaller dogs...
E. Essential start to your day - Exercise and a shower
F. Favorite color - Blue, Green, Purple
G. Gold or Silver - Silver
H. Height - 5'8
I. Instruments you play - Used to play the piano and flute briefly in grade school...nothing now.
J. Job Title - Stay home at mom for right now.
K. Kids - I have 3 sons ages 13, 9, 7
L. Live - I live in Poncha Springs, CO...I say Salida, CO because Poncha is only 5 miles from there and really can't be called a town.LOL Maybe like 700 or so people here..around 5,000 or so in Salida.
M. Mom's name - Her name is Susan, but she goes by Sue
N. Nicknames - Tam
O. Overnight hospital stays - Where do I start??LOL When I was about 8 was in for a few days with mono. When I was 12 I was in for tonsils being taken out. I've had 3 c-sections, my appendix, gallbladder and right ovary all taken out at different times. I THINK that's 'it."LOL
P. Pet peeve - Rude people and people who think they are better than everyone else.
Q. Quote from a movie - There are many...but "I'm your Huckleberry" is one of my faves..from "Tombstone." My fave movie of all time.
R. Rigthy or Lefty - Righty
S. Sibling - My sisters Beverly 38 and Cindy almost 33.
T. Time you wake up - Around 6:15am to get the boys up for school. I sometimes go back to bed after that!!LOL
U. Underwear - Yes I do.LOL
V. Vegetable you dislike - Cauliflower
W. What makes you late - Me. My dad used to say that I would be late to my own funeral.;) I'm always late it seems.:( Bad habit of mine.
X. X-rays - It's been a few years and can't remember exactly what for.
Y. Yummy food you make - I don't like to cook.
Z. favorite Zoo animal - Lions, monkeys, tigers.
A. Age - 41
B. Bed size - King
C. Chore you hate - Basically all!!LOL Though I really don't like folding and putting clothes away.
D. Dogs - I'm not really a dog person...more of a cat person, but I do like smaller dogs...
E. Essential start to your day - Exercise and a shower
F. Favorite color - Blue, Green, Purple
G. Gold or Silver - Silver
H. Height - 5'8
I. Instruments you play - Used to play the piano and flute briefly in grade school...nothing now.
J. Job Title - Stay home at mom for right now.
K. Kids - I have 3 sons ages 13, 9, 7
L. Live - I live in Poncha Springs, CO...I say Salida, CO because Poncha is only 5 miles from there and really can't be called a town.LOL Maybe like 700 or so people here..around 5,000 or so in Salida.
M. Mom's name - Her name is Susan, but she goes by Sue
N. Nicknames - Tam
O. Overnight hospital stays - Where do I start??LOL When I was about 8 was in for a few days with mono. When I was 12 I was in for tonsils being taken out. I've had 3 c-sections, my appendix, gallbladder and right ovary all taken out at different times. I THINK that's 'it."LOL
P. Pet peeve - Rude people and people who think they are better than everyone else.
Q. Quote from a movie - There are many...but "I'm your Huckleberry" is one of my faves..from "Tombstone." My fave movie of all time.
R. Rigthy or Lefty - Righty
S. Sibling - My sisters Beverly 38 and Cindy almost 33.
T. Time you wake up - Around 6:15am to get the boys up for school. I sometimes go back to bed after that!!LOL
U. Underwear - Yes I do.LOL
V. Vegetable you dislike - Cauliflower
W. What makes you late - Me. My dad used to say that I would be late to my own funeral.;) I'm always late it seems.:( Bad habit of mine.
X. X-rays - It's been a few years and can't remember exactly what for.
Y. Yummy food you make - I don't like to cook.
Z. favorite Zoo animal - Lions, monkeys, tigers.
MISS HOW IT WAS....
I still miss my ex...miss how things used to be. He has moved on and way past me....I just haven't gotten totally to that point yet. No guy measures up to him. I hate that we took each other for granted and lost it all. Now he's happy and I know I should be happy for him, but guess I'm just being a little selfish right now. I know we can't ever go back..too much has happened...but it's hard to just totally let go.:(
Elizabeth Taylor passed away yesterday. I hope that she is with all of her friends and family now and with Richard Burton again...her one great love. We should all have one of those.
Today is my niece, Madisons' 9th birthday. Can't believe how fast they grow up!
I don't know if anyone actually reads this or not, but I hope that you're having a great week.:)
Elizabeth Taylor passed away yesterday. I hope that she is with all of her friends and family now and with Richard Burton again...her one great love. We should all have one of those.
Today is my niece, Madisons' 9th birthday. Can't believe how fast they grow up!
I don't know if anyone actually reads this or not, but I hope that you're having a great week.:)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
KINDA SAD.....
Well Arturo finally called a little bit ago. I was right...he has been mad at me. He finally admitted that he pretty much blamed me for him getting moved to another prison in November, that he knew if he pursued things with me that it could turn out "bad." He's stressed out about the parole board hearing in May, he doesn't really have time to do anything (write to me) because all he does is sleep and work. He doesn't know how to go back to being "just friends." So I don't know exactly where it goes from here. I told him that I will still be here if and when he needs me. That I will still write to him, but that there will be no drama in my letters (he said he didn't want to deal with drama..he has enough of his own). Told me that when I went to Cripple Creek sometime last year, that it bothered him, because I was having money problems (I always have money problems) then and he felt that he didn't want to deal with someone who does that. Of course, he didn't tell me that then. He admitted to putting me on the "back burner" these past few months. So I guess it's over.:( It makes me sad, because I DO love him and care about him. But there's really nothing I can do. So guess it's time to move on. This may sound weird, but I asked God to show me what I should do..wait and see what happens with Arturo or maybe pursue a relationship with Ron (the guy up by Denver). Well I feel that maybe this is my sign. I could just be crazy. But will at least put myself "out there" and see what happens with Ron. It's hard for me to do that though. Damn, I don't even know what the hell to do anymore. Just makes me feel sick that I lost Arturo and I can't "fix" it.:(
Today is my sisters' 38th birthday...I'm sure she would be thrilled knowing I put her age on here!LOL We'll be having cake and ice cream at moms' later today.
Today is the first day of Spring..WOO HOO!!:) I was hoping to be thinner by this time, but I didn't work hard enough at it.:( I will just have to try harder now. I have to do this for me.
Today is my sisters' 38th birthday...I'm sure she would be thrilled knowing I put her age on here!LOL We'll be having cake and ice cream at moms' later today.
Today is the first day of Spring..WOO HOO!!:) I was hoping to be thinner by this time, but I didn't work hard enough at it.:( I will just have to try harder now. I have to do this for me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
DOING BETTER...
For the past two days, I have excercised for an hour each time, like I was doing in November, December and January. So I'm proud of myself for that.:) February and the first half of March I just got lazy or something. I feel so much better if I exercise! I haven't lose any more weight and that annoys me, but I know that muscle weighs more than fat...OK maybe that's just an excuse?LOL But I HAVE been watching what I eat as well. Maybe the scale will start showing some progress soon. I hope so, because I'm not a very patient person. I still have belly fat and maybe I always will...but it's not as bad as it once was. So I just have to remember how fat I used to be and realize that I have come a long way from that and be happy with what I have accomplished so far.
The two older boys have a bowling tournament in Denver in the middle of May. Guess who Dave is going to bring to the bowling alley??? Yep, his gf. So I get to meet her for the first time...should be interesting. I'm so not over him.:( It will be hard for me to see them holding hands, kissing, etc. So hopefully they won't do any of that in front of me and the kids (awkward), but if they do, then I will just have to deal with it. I have to think about my kids and how they feel and act accordingly. When I told Phillip that she would probably be there, he immediately started crying and saying that we were going to be fighting/arguing. I assured him that wasn't the case and he calmed down. It's not easy being an adult and having to act like everything is OK when it's not.
I haven't been gambling either the past few days. Just keeping myself off the site. It's hard, I must admit, but I'm doing it. It's just an escape for me, but I can't be doing that if it's going to affect the rest of my life...which it is if I keep spending money that I don't have to spend. I still have 2 weeks to go before I have any money...it's not easy, but it's my own fault. Then I have to double up on some bills next month, because of my stupidity this month.:(
Moved some furniture around yesterday in my house...trying to get things organized and cleaned up. I'm a bit of a hoarder, so it's not easy throwing things away...magazines and the boys' school papers are the hardest. Getting rid of toys and other things we don't need is hard as well, but I just keep telling myself that there are other kids who really need those things. It's better for them to have the things than for them to just sit around collecting dust. I have a long way to go...but I feel better as I get it accomplished. I have watched those TV shows where people can't throw ANYTHING away and it's nasty...I don't want to be like that or to have my house look like theirs. My grandma was a hoarder..though didn't have a name for it at the time and so is my mom. Learned behavior maybe? My sister, Bev, used to be the same way until she got married (later divorced) and he told her she had to get rid of a bunch of stuff. Instead of giving it to Goodwill or whatever, she threw a lot of good stuff away and that makes me feel nauseous. Isn't that crazy??
The two older boys have a bowling tournament in Denver in the middle of May. Guess who Dave is going to bring to the bowling alley??? Yep, his gf. So I get to meet her for the first time...should be interesting. I'm so not over him.:( It will be hard for me to see them holding hands, kissing, etc. So hopefully they won't do any of that in front of me and the kids (awkward), but if they do, then I will just have to deal with it. I have to think about my kids and how they feel and act accordingly. When I told Phillip that she would probably be there, he immediately started crying and saying that we were going to be fighting/arguing. I assured him that wasn't the case and he calmed down. It's not easy being an adult and having to act like everything is OK when it's not.
I haven't been gambling either the past few days. Just keeping myself off the site. It's hard, I must admit, but I'm doing it. It's just an escape for me, but I can't be doing that if it's going to affect the rest of my life...which it is if I keep spending money that I don't have to spend. I still have 2 weeks to go before I have any money...it's not easy, but it's my own fault. Then I have to double up on some bills next month, because of my stupidity this month.:(
Moved some furniture around yesterday in my house...trying to get things organized and cleaned up. I'm a bit of a hoarder, so it's not easy throwing things away...magazines and the boys' school papers are the hardest. Getting rid of toys and other things we don't need is hard as well, but I just keep telling myself that there are other kids who really need those things. It's better for them to have the things than for them to just sit around collecting dust. I have a long way to go...but I feel better as I get it accomplished. I have watched those TV shows where people can't throw ANYTHING away and it's nasty...I don't want to be like that or to have my house look like theirs. My grandma was a hoarder..though didn't have a name for it at the time and so is my mom. Learned behavior maybe? My sister, Bev, used to be the same way until she got married (later divorced) and he told her she had to get rid of a bunch of stuff. Instead of giving it to Goodwill or whatever, she threw a lot of good stuff away and that makes me feel nauseous. Isn't that crazy??
Thursday, March 17, 2011
THURSDAY....a long post!
I hate when I can't think of a better title!!LOL Well the diet thing is going SLOW. Just have to get back into the exercising on a regular basis and really watching what I eat. It's not easy for me. But I know that it's not easy for anyone else either. That we all have our struggles. We all have out inner demons to deal with. The little voice in your head that says you can't do it, that it doesn't matter if you lose weight or not so why try, etc. Just have to learn to ignore it and push on. I DO fit in size 46 jeans now!!! WOO HOO!!LOL It got the point that I couldn't even get jeans at Wal-Mart...and they usually go up to at least a 52! I had to go to Colorado Springs to the "fat girl store" and pay $50 for jeans that would fit me. Their sizes are different, but basically I was into size 56 jeans...so I'm down 10 pant sizes!!! Can't believe that I let myself get that big.:(
I have had some dark days recently. Just missing my ex and what used to be. He's planning on moving to Denver and that upsets me a lot. He promised our oldest last year that he wouldn't do that. So basically we can't believe anything he says. Denver is 3 hours away. He'll still be a good dad he says..call the kids all the time, come down to see them "when he can," etc. So I see it as he's bailing on his kids and leaving it to me to raise them on my own, while he goes up there and is around her kids 24/7 and helping raise them.:( He just doesn't get it. I told him the kids would resent that...that they will hardly get to see him and they'll be upset that he's around the other kids all the time, but he doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to "discuss" it with me or will talk about it "later." Yeah right. He always wants me to compromise, but he won't compromise with me at all. Why can't he transfer somewhere closer and have her move there?? He's a correctional officer at a prison, so there are plenty of prisons like an hour away from us. There's no reason that he should have to move 3 hours away. Then he says I dictate to him..like telling him that the younger two won't be allowed to go up to see him until they're older and a few other things, but he dictates to me all the time. That I can move out of town if I need to (to find a job), but I can't take them out of state, etc. It's just a mess. I guess if I was totally over it, it would be different. He was my best friend as well as my husband, so losing the best friend is just as hard or harder than losing my husband. He says he still wants to be friends, but it's hard when everything that I say seems to piss him off.:( I'm not sure when he's planning on moving, but I dread it.
I haven't heard from Arturo at all. Does that surprise me? I guess not anymore. Obviously, I don't mean that much to him any longer for whatever reason. It upsets me a lot, but not much I can do.
Went to Colorado Springs last weekend to meet a guy friend that I had never met before. We had talked off and on for a couple of years. He's a cool guy..named Derek. We had a nice time. After I got home, he texted me and said that he just wants a "casual sexual relationship." That kinda pissed me off. He could have told me that BEFORE I met him. I want a relationship...not just sex. So though we may talk from time to time, I don't plan on hanging out with him again.
I have an addiction to on-line gambling now.:( The past couple of months...I have spent a lot of money...well LOST a lot of money.:( This month is really bad. No money for bills, food, etc. What the hell is wrong with me??!! Stress? The adrenaline rush? I don't know, but I need to STOP!!! I have an addictive personality and I just need to learn to control it. Just not sure how to do that. I may end up having to get professional help....
I've been talking to a guy on-line named Ron. He lives up by Denver. He sounds really cool and we get along great. He wants to meet me soon. BUT he's an ex-con..which I don't really have a problem with (i.e Arturo), but he doesn't have a job right now and no car. That's a major issue for me. I have a hard enough time supporting myself and 3 kids..I can't support anyone else. He wants a relationship, so that's the good part. It's just not that easy though. I can't just have some guy move in with me and my kids out of the blue. I'm not ready for that and neither are my boys. As you may be able to tell, I like the attention I get from guys. BUT it's also stressful at times, because I don't even know if I can be "in love" with someone again or even trust someone totally again. I've become pretty jaded and keep guys at a distance. I also keep my options open..and that's not a good thing. What if I make the wrong choice and end up with someone I'm not supposed to be with?:(
Then the guy that I met in Vegas last July (when I was there for my friends' wedding..I think I posted about him)...we have talked off and on since then and he wants me to fly out to Vegas in the middle of April. He'll pay for half the ticket and I can stay at his place. That's a cool offer. He's a nice guy. As a FRIEND. The rest just isn't there for me and I don't think it's there for him either. He had met a woman the weekend before I got there last July and that's all I heard about. I think that's what turned me off to begin with. I mean SERIOUSLY??LOL But we had a blast. He took me all over Vegas and I got to see a lot of things that I wouldn't have otherwise. So I may go ahead and go out for a few days next month.:)
OH!! My youngest is 7 (Matthew). He is sooo funny! Seems that he wants me to have a boyfriend pronto.LOL The other day, we saw a girl at 7-11 with really blonde hair (I loved the color) and he tells me that if I have my hair that color maybe I would get more dates!!;) Then last night, we went to get gas and there were a couple of guys getting gas as well..he told me before I got out of the jeep to "look nice." How do you look nice while getting gas??LOL I just think it's cute that he seems so concerned about that.
BUT what I'M concerned about is this...I'm overweight and my oldest son is overweight as well. My two youngest aren't..YET. But Matthew says that he should go to a gym and exercise because he's getting too fat.:( He's not at all. He IS always hungry, but he runs around a lot. I don't want him to have body image issues, but not sure how to stop that. I try to explain to him that he's not fat, but I don't know if it's getting thru or not. He once asked me that if when he got older would he be fat like me and Phillip (oldest). Makes me sad.
I have had some dark days recently. Just missing my ex and what used to be. He's planning on moving to Denver and that upsets me a lot. He promised our oldest last year that he wouldn't do that. So basically we can't believe anything he says. Denver is 3 hours away. He'll still be a good dad he says..call the kids all the time, come down to see them "when he can," etc. So I see it as he's bailing on his kids and leaving it to me to raise them on my own, while he goes up there and is around her kids 24/7 and helping raise them.:( He just doesn't get it. I told him the kids would resent that...that they will hardly get to see him and they'll be upset that he's around the other kids all the time, but he doesn't want to hear it. Doesn't want to "discuss" it with me or will talk about it "later." Yeah right. He always wants me to compromise, but he won't compromise with me at all. Why can't he transfer somewhere closer and have her move there?? He's a correctional officer at a prison, so there are plenty of prisons like an hour away from us. There's no reason that he should have to move 3 hours away. Then he says I dictate to him..like telling him that the younger two won't be allowed to go up to see him until they're older and a few other things, but he dictates to me all the time. That I can move out of town if I need to (to find a job), but I can't take them out of state, etc. It's just a mess. I guess if I was totally over it, it would be different. He was my best friend as well as my husband, so losing the best friend is just as hard or harder than losing my husband. He says he still wants to be friends, but it's hard when everything that I say seems to piss him off.:( I'm not sure when he's planning on moving, but I dread it.
I haven't heard from Arturo at all. Does that surprise me? I guess not anymore. Obviously, I don't mean that much to him any longer for whatever reason. It upsets me a lot, but not much I can do.
Went to Colorado Springs last weekend to meet a guy friend that I had never met before. We had talked off and on for a couple of years. He's a cool guy..named Derek. We had a nice time. After I got home, he texted me and said that he just wants a "casual sexual relationship." That kinda pissed me off. He could have told me that BEFORE I met him. I want a relationship...not just sex. So though we may talk from time to time, I don't plan on hanging out with him again.
I have an addiction to on-line gambling now.:( The past couple of months...I have spent a lot of money...well LOST a lot of money.:( This month is really bad. No money for bills, food, etc. What the hell is wrong with me??!! Stress? The adrenaline rush? I don't know, but I need to STOP!!! I have an addictive personality and I just need to learn to control it. Just not sure how to do that. I may end up having to get professional help....
I've been talking to a guy on-line named Ron. He lives up by Denver. He sounds really cool and we get along great. He wants to meet me soon. BUT he's an ex-con..which I don't really have a problem with (i.e Arturo), but he doesn't have a job right now and no car. That's a major issue for me. I have a hard enough time supporting myself and 3 kids..I can't support anyone else. He wants a relationship, so that's the good part. It's just not that easy though. I can't just have some guy move in with me and my kids out of the blue. I'm not ready for that and neither are my boys. As you may be able to tell, I like the attention I get from guys. BUT it's also stressful at times, because I don't even know if I can be "in love" with someone again or even trust someone totally again. I've become pretty jaded and keep guys at a distance. I also keep my options open..and that's not a good thing. What if I make the wrong choice and end up with someone I'm not supposed to be with?:(
Then the guy that I met in Vegas last July (when I was there for my friends' wedding..I think I posted about him)...we have talked off and on since then and he wants me to fly out to Vegas in the middle of April. He'll pay for half the ticket and I can stay at his place. That's a cool offer. He's a nice guy. As a FRIEND. The rest just isn't there for me and I don't think it's there for him either. He had met a woman the weekend before I got there last July and that's all I heard about. I think that's what turned me off to begin with. I mean SERIOUSLY??LOL But we had a blast. He took me all over Vegas and I got to see a lot of things that I wouldn't have otherwise. So I may go ahead and go out for a few days next month.:)
OH!! My youngest is 7 (Matthew). He is sooo funny! Seems that he wants me to have a boyfriend pronto.LOL The other day, we saw a girl at 7-11 with really blonde hair (I loved the color) and he tells me that if I have my hair that color maybe I would get more dates!!;) Then last night, we went to get gas and there were a couple of guys getting gas as well..he told me before I got out of the jeep to "look nice." How do you look nice while getting gas??LOL I just think it's cute that he seems so concerned about that.
BUT what I'M concerned about is this...I'm overweight and my oldest son is overweight as well. My two youngest aren't..YET. But Matthew says that he should go to a gym and exercise because he's getting too fat.:( He's not at all. He IS always hungry, but he runs around a lot. I don't want him to have body image issues, but not sure how to stop that. I try to explain to him that he's not fat, but I don't know if it's getting thru or not. He once asked me that if when he got older would he be fat like me and Phillip (oldest). Makes me sad.
Monday, March 7, 2011
MONDAY
A few things have happened since I last wrote. My sister, Cindy, (who I haven't talked to or seen in 3 years) sent me a message on yahoo on the 4th and then I talked briefly to her on the phone at moms' that same day. I'm not sure why she even wanted to talk to me after all this time? She disowned us. I'm glad that we talked and all..just kinda confused!
Then Arturo calls me that day too. His dad has never met me. Obviously doesn't care to either. He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want Arturo with me. So Arturo asked him why. He told him that I would keep him on a "short leash." That I wouldn't "let" Arturo do the things that him and his dad have planned for when he gets out...going to California, going to strip clubs, etc. So, if you ask me, he's putting doubts in Arturos' mind and that pisses me off. I sent him a letter on Saturday telling him how much I was pissed off and that if he wants to change his mind and bail, then that's on him. I wasn't that mean.LOL I actually made a copy of the letter before I sent it out. I told him that I would wait for him until he got out of prison (I had told him this before), but that I wouldn't wait around while he fucked a bunch of women just because he never got to experiment in his 20s'. He may be upset with me, but oh well. Like I said before, things haven't been the same since he got moved to the new prison in November. He even told me on the phone the other night that he knows he hasn't been writing much, but that when he was at the other prison, he was pretty much in his cell all the time and now at this one, he's not. I take that to mean he doesn't have the time for me, to just sit down and write me a letter. When did I stop becoming important? It upsets me.
Went ot Puebly yesterday, because the two older boys had a bowling tournament. Dave and I took separate cars. Phillip and Dominic rode with him and Matthew rode with me. We got along decently, which is amazing these days. Believe me, I have been a BITCH. I hate when he goes to Denver to see her. So when he's up there and when first gets back, I'm NOT a nice person. I've had enough of his bullshit. He just does what he wants and doesn't care how it affects the kids. I know that I'm not totally over it. I hope that one of these days I WILL be. It gets annoying loving someone when they don't love you anymore.
I have a "diet buddy" on Facebook now. We are starting low carb once again together...see how long I can stick with it this time. I have A LOT to lose. But, right now, I'm just focusing on losing 24 lbs. That would put me at 275.
Then Arturo calls me that day too. His dad has never met me. Obviously doesn't care to either. He has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want Arturo with me. So Arturo asked him why. He told him that I would keep him on a "short leash." That I wouldn't "let" Arturo do the things that him and his dad have planned for when he gets out...going to California, going to strip clubs, etc. So, if you ask me, he's putting doubts in Arturos' mind and that pisses me off. I sent him a letter on Saturday telling him how much I was pissed off and that if he wants to change his mind and bail, then that's on him. I wasn't that mean.LOL I actually made a copy of the letter before I sent it out. I told him that I would wait for him until he got out of prison (I had told him this before), but that I wouldn't wait around while he fucked a bunch of women just because he never got to experiment in his 20s'. He may be upset with me, but oh well. Like I said before, things haven't been the same since he got moved to the new prison in November. He even told me on the phone the other night that he knows he hasn't been writing much, but that when he was at the other prison, he was pretty much in his cell all the time and now at this one, he's not. I take that to mean he doesn't have the time for me, to just sit down and write me a letter. When did I stop becoming important? It upsets me.
Went ot Puebly yesterday, because the two older boys had a bowling tournament. Dave and I took separate cars. Phillip and Dominic rode with him and Matthew rode with me. We got along decently, which is amazing these days. Believe me, I have been a BITCH. I hate when he goes to Denver to see her. So when he's up there and when first gets back, I'm NOT a nice person. I've had enough of his bullshit. He just does what he wants and doesn't care how it affects the kids. I know that I'm not totally over it. I hope that one of these days I WILL be. It gets annoying loving someone when they don't love you anymore.
I have a "diet buddy" on Facebook now. We are starting low carb once again together...see how long I can stick with it this time. I have A LOT to lose. But, right now, I'm just focusing on losing 24 lbs. That would put me at 275.
Friday, March 4, 2011
STILL TRYING TO MOVE ON.....
Well ex went to Denver again to see his gf. I wonder when the hurt will stop? I thought it would have by now. They are sooo damn happy.:( I hope that I get that again someday and have someone really love me as much as I love them. But I don't know if that's in the cards anymore. So need to learn to start standing on my own and doing things on my own. So letting go and moving on....though I'm sure there will still be "those" days.
I'm getting back into exercising today and watching what I eat. I need to get back in control. Not going to throw all the hard work I've put in already away. I just need too snap out of it and get moving. Figure out what I want to do with my life and do it.
Went to lunch with one of my bffs' yesterday. We live in the same town but haven't seen each other since last July in Vegas at her wedding! How pathetic is that?! Have to make more of an effort to hang out. Her name is Tracy. This is her 2nd marriage and she seems really happy. She is pregnant and due in September. She has two older kids ages 14 and 12. So she wants two more with her new hubby.:) I don't think I could do it all again! I give her credit. He doesn't have any biological kids of his own yet. Their last name is Beach. If it's a boy, it will be "Daytona" and a girl will be "Treasure." Pretty cool if you ask me!!LOL I don't like "common, plain" names.
I'm getting back into exercising today and watching what I eat. I need to get back in control. Not going to throw all the hard work I've put in already away. I just need too snap out of it and get moving. Figure out what I want to do with my life and do it.
Went to lunch with one of my bffs' yesterday. We live in the same town but haven't seen each other since last July in Vegas at her wedding! How pathetic is that?! Have to make more of an effort to hang out. Her name is Tracy. This is her 2nd marriage and she seems really happy. She is pregnant and due in September. She has two older kids ages 14 and 12. So she wants two more with her new hubby.:) I don't think I could do it all again! I give her credit. He doesn't have any biological kids of his own yet. Their last name is Beach. If it's a boy, it will be "Daytona" and a girl will be "Treasure." Pretty cool if you ask me!!LOL I don't like "common, plain" names.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
UPDATE...
Sorry it took me awhile to get back here! Hope all is well for everyone. Mom is doing good.:) The CAT scan was wrong to an extent. She DOES have one artery that is blocked 50%, but it is treatable with medicine and her stopping smoking. So they didn't have to put a stent in or do a bypass!!:) They will do surgery on her torn rotator cuff after she stops smoking for at least 3 months, I believe. It hurts her a lot and she can't do much with her right arm. She really is trying to stop smoking, but it's been hard for her. She's been smoking for years.
Arturo and I are talking a bit more now..which I really like. He calls when he can. Not sure where things will go, but we'll see.
I haven't seen Big Mike since the day before Valentine's Day. He keeps texting me to go up and see him, but I know he wants to mess around and I don't feel right doing that when he has a gf. I don't understand guys sometimes. If you want to mess around, why be in a relationship at all?
He's a good guy basically, so I hope that he figures out what he wants.
I've been talking to a guy in Colorado Springs named Keith. Just texting mostly. I did see him briefly the day mom got out of the hospital (Feb 21st)..he was working, but he wanted me to come by and came out to talk to me for a few minutes. They were busy though, so it wasn't long. I'm hoping to go down there the weekend of the 11th to see him. I like having guy friends...just easier for me to talk to them for some reason.
My old bf from Job Corps, Bruce..we have been talking. I haven't seen him in almost 22 years!! He was my first love. He lives in Alaska now...so a long way from me. He wants me to come up for a week in July. It would be nice, but don't know if it will happen or not. It would be awesome to see him again. This is the first time in all these years that we have both been single at the same time. He sent me a gift for Valentine's Day. A huge stuffed frog!LOL It's so cute.
Went to Cripple Creek to go gambling on Sunday...went with my bff, Joannie and her mom and two sisters. Had fun..but came back broke. I only took $80 anyway. Get this...the night before we left...I accidentally left my wallet out in my jeep. I stayed at moms', so it was parked at her house. I went out the next morning to get my wallet and noticed before I even opened the door that the middle console was up and I hadn't left it that way.:( Yep, my wallet was gone. $80 (I had to borrow from mom to go to Cripple Creek), my credit cards...one that my child support comes in on and another one that my social security comes in on, my drivers' license, my social security card.:( I had to cancel everything. It still freaks me out that they have my SS# and home address though. So I can't get any of my money now until the new cards get here..so I'm totally broke until probably the middle of the month.:( I hope that he/she needed that money more than I did...karma is a bitch.
I've been doing so-so on my diet. Just not real great. Gained a few pounds and then lost them again. I have found that I have to weigh every day or at least every other day just to keep myself focused. Otherwise, I can fool myself into thinking that I'm not doing that bad, but then get on the scale a week later and find that I have gained 6 lbs or something.
Arturo and I are talking a bit more now..which I really like. He calls when he can. Not sure where things will go, but we'll see.
I haven't seen Big Mike since the day before Valentine's Day. He keeps texting me to go up and see him, but I know he wants to mess around and I don't feel right doing that when he has a gf. I don't understand guys sometimes. If you want to mess around, why be in a relationship at all?
He's a good guy basically, so I hope that he figures out what he wants.
I've been talking to a guy in Colorado Springs named Keith. Just texting mostly. I did see him briefly the day mom got out of the hospital (Feb 21st)..he was working, but he wanted me to come by and came out to talk to me for a few minutes. They were busy though, so it wasn't long. I'm hoping to go down there the weekend of the 11th to see him. I like having guy friends...just easier for me to talk to them for some reason.
My old bf from Job Corps, Bruce..we have been talking. I haven't seen him in almost 22 years!! He was my first love. He lives in Alaska now...so a long way from me. He wants me to come up for a week in July. It would be nice, but don't know if it will happen or not. It would be awesome to see him again. This is the first time in all these years that we have both been single at the same time. He sent me a gift for Valentine's Day. A huge stuffed frog!LOL It's so cute.
Went to Cripple Creek to go gambling on Sunday...went with my bff, Joannie and her mom and two sisters. Had fun..but came back broke. I only took $80 anyway. Get this...the night before we left...I accidentally left my wallet out in my jeep. I stayed at moms', so it was parked at her house. I went out the next morning to get my wallet and noticed before I even opened the door that the middle console was up and I hadn't left it that way.:( Yep, my wallet was gone. $80 (I had to borrow from mom to go to Cripple Creek), my credit cards...one that my child support comes in on and another one that my social security comes in on, my drivers' license, my social security card.:( I had to cancel everything. It still freaks me out that they have my SS# and home address though. So I can't get any of my money now until the new cards get here..so I'm totally broke until probably the middle of the month.:( I hope that he/she needed that money more than I did...karma is a bitch.
I've been doing so-so on my diet. Just not real great. Gained a few pounds and then lost them again. I have found that I have to weigh every day or at least every other day just to keep myself focused. Otherwise, I can fool myself into thinking that I'm not doing that bad, but then get on the scale a week later and find that I have gained 6 lbs or something.
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