TRIALS

I went to Jennifer's memorial service yesterday.  It was really nice.  She would've been surprised to see how many people showed up.  There was a point where people could stand up & say a few things about her...I surprised myself by standing up! I said a few things about her & read a poem. I'm an introvert & don't feel comfortable talking in front of groups of people, but felt that I needed to do that.  Jen was important to me. Her mom & sister flew in from Florida.  I had never met them before.  I wish that I would've me them under better circumstances.  They are just totally a mess.  It hurt to see them in so much pain. Her dad couldn't make it, because he's pretty sick.  Jen was always worried about him.  Jen's husband, Lyn, is totally lost.  I don't think he'll remember much of yesterday.  He's just going thru the motions.  They were together for 15 years, I believe. Their 10th wedding anniversary would've been on September 30th.  I will miss her.  Still can't believe she's gone. 

Mom has been having some health issues....who am I kidding...she's been having A LOT of health issues  She has a a bad back for quite awhile now.  She would get injections & all would be "good" for awhile.  Well her back started really hurting her again around May 2014, but the doctor was a pain in the ass about it.  She had an MRI done then & I took her out of town to see the doctor who usually gave her shots.  This time, he said that he wouldn't do it unless she stopped smoking.  Whatever.  So she continues to be in back pain for another year.  Finally, on July 27th, she was able to go to a doctor out of town & get a back injection.  She was so relieved to be able to do that & was looking forward to not being in pain.  Well guess life had other plans.  About a week later, she is in horrible pain on her right side.  Down her leg & her knee was absolutely killing her, so she thought she had done something to it.  She had stayed in bed most of the time like she was told to do, so wasn't sure what the issue was.  Mom has a high tolerance for pain, so when she's hurting, she's in some serious pain.  Took her to her usual doctor & he was a dick.  I don't know if he was having a bad day or what, but he was very condescending.  I hate that crap. He said that he didn't think it was her knee, that he didn't know what was going on, etc.  So we're about to leave & she told him that her foot hurt some too.  He's like  "Sue, is it your knee or your foot that hurts, you tell me one thing & then it's something else."  Total ass.  You don't talk to my mom like she's stupid.  She's in pain!  So later that week, she had talked to the doctor who had given her the back injection.  He said that he would be willing to do another one, but he wanted a new MRI done, since her other one was over a year old.  So we got that scheduled.  She had that done on September 14th.  Right away, they tell her that they want her to see a spine specialist in Denver ASAP because she had a "mass" in her back.  Of course, I automatically think the worse. It's just who I am.  Hope for the best but expect the worst.  Also at this time, her other leg (left one) has swelled up, is hard & hot & huge.  OK, that sounded inappropriate.LOL  She also had this huge blister on the top of her left foot right below her toes.  A bit of background...mom has had blood clots before...starting in her 30's, I believe.  So she has been on blood thinners (Coumadin) for a lot of years.  She had to take a high dose just to keep her blood from getting too thick.  She takes 20 mg a day & 25 mg on Wednesdays.  So she says it's not a blood clot, because her blood is so thin (they had checked it) & plus it wasn't hurting her at all like it had before.  The doctor agreed.  Said that there was no way it was a blood clot, but "just in case," they scheduled an ultrasound for September 22nd. So we get an appt in Denver for September 20th.  I drive her there...I hate driving in cities...but we finally get to this huge hospital that's next to Children's Hospital.  The whole thing is confusing.  Finally get to the right building.  They have free valet parking, so I did that.  We were running late as it was & I wasn't going to waste time trying to find a parking space.  We go in & have to go up the 4th floor.  Well it's a longer walk than we thought it would be & mom is having a really hard time walking it (I got a wheelchair for her on the way down). We get up there & the doctor is AMAZING.  She was totally cool & explained everything so that we could actually understand.  The "mass" was not a tumor (Thank God), it was a badly herniated disk that probably herniated not too long after the shot.  It's pressing on a couple of nerves.  They could do one of two things.  They could do another back injection & put it right into that area where it's herniated & see if that relieves the pain & if it doesn't she could have back surgery.  There is always a risk of complications from that.  Mom had said that she would never have back surgery, but she was actually considering it, so you know how much pain she's in. She decided to try the back injection first & see how that goes.  So they said they would set it up with the doctor who gave her one in July.  She also looked at mom's swollen leg & said that it looked horrible.  We told her she was going to have an ultrasound on it in a couple of days & she thought it was a good idea.  So we drive all the way back...we live about 3 hours from Denver.  Mom is still in pain.  They have her on Gabapentin for the nerve pain, plus they have her on a pain killer that's not even touching the pain basically.  She hates taking it anyway.  She has said that she doesn't want to live her life on pain killers.  I don't blame her.  So on the 22nd, I take her to the hospital for an ultrasound.  She comes out & said she is supposed to go over the to the doctor's office ASAP. Yep, she has a blood clot behind her left knee.  Thank God it hadn't broken free.  She had had it for a couple of weeks at least & was walking around, getting in & out of the car, etc.  The doctors are perplexed (I love that word!). She should NOT have a blood clot with the high dosage of Coumadin she is on.  They can't give her a higher dose, because there is a chance that she would start bleeding in her brain or elsewhere in her body.  He decides to take her off of Coumadin & puts her on Heparin.  Which is a pain, because she has to give herself shots 2x a day.  It's painful & leaves her bruised.  He doesn't think that she can be on it for the rest of her life, but he is going to have to do some research.  He also said that they could put a stent in her heart, so that if she did have a blood clot & it broke free, that would keep it from going to her heart, but he said he had read up on some about it & there isn't a guarantee that it would work & he doesn't want to do it if there's still that chance.  Oh, PLUS she has an aneurysm in a vein in that same leg!  He said absolutely NOT to any kind of back surgery, so that's off the table.  She also can't get another injection until after she sees the vascular specialist (for the aneurysm) & a hematologist for her blood issue.  They are looking for a blood disorder & to see what they can do to keep her from getting another clot.  Well she hasn't heard anything back about the hematologist yet, but the vascular specialist's office called & said that he doesn't have an open appt until the end of October!!  But that she would put "urgent" on it, so maybe he could see her a little sooner.  I hope that he/she can.  We need to get this resolved.  I hate seeing her in so much pain all of the time. My niece & I even went to the "weed store" to buy her some cream that she could rub into her leg to see if that helped at all.  Mom is against smoking weed 100%.  Said she won't do it, though I think it would help her & ease the pain some.  I don't smoke weed very often (it's legal here), but I have been considering doing it more just to de-stress.  I don't know.  Haven't decided yet. Anyway, mom agreed to try the cream.  It works for about an hour maybe.  I had never been into a weed store, so it was an experience.LOL  My niece seems to be a pro at it though.  

A LOSS

There has been so much that has happened in the past month & a half that I don't even know where to begin.  I don't have a lot of time to write right now, but wanted to at least get some things out there.

One of my best friends, Jennifer died on September 17th of a heart attack in her sleep.  She was only 34.  I was at Bingo with her the night before & she seemed fine.  I later learned that she couldh't sleep that night & at around 6:00am, her husband told her to go lay down & rest for awhile.  She also texted another one of her friends around that time.  He went to check on her at 7:00am & she was already gone.:(  Just like that.  She was this wonderful, amazing person who should still be in this world & I'm pissed off that she's not.  She had an amazing voice & would always be singing, sometime under her breath...don't even think she knew she was doing it at times.  I told her that she should go on "American Idol."  She told me that she wouldn't embarrass herself like that.  She had the voice for it, but she was overweight & society looks down on that.  I'm not sure what really caused the heart attack...maybe it was inevitable...the whole "it's just your time" thing.  But not long before she died, she had started that new diet program "Thrive."  She was so excited about it.  She was a cashier at Wal Mart & when I went in there one day, she was telling me how great she felt, that she had so much energy & she wasn't hungry.  That she had lost like 10 lbs in 2 weeks.  She wanted me to try it, but I just hadn't yet.  Wasn't really interested in trying it.  I have been on so many diets & none work, so I was just like "whatever."  After she died, I wondered if that had anything to do with it.  There are a few stimulants in the pills that you have tot take.  Synephrine {sp?} is one of them.  I don't even know if it says what's in it on the bottle, but I looked it up on-line.  It says that it raises blood pressure, heart rate & can cause heart attacks, especially in someone who has an underlying condition.  Well not everyone knows if they have an underlying condition. I don't know if she had one or not.  But here are other stimulants in there as well, plus if she had been drinking drinks that had caffeine in them as well {I don't know if she was or not} that would make things even worse.  I guess we will never know what really caused it.  They did an autopsy & that was the final ruling.  She & her husband would have celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this month.  They had been together for 14 years, I believe. They met on-line.  She was from Florida.  I have known her husband since we were kids.  When she first came out here to meet him & then to live here, I was pregnant with my middle son & working at McDonald's. She started working there as well & we were instantly friends.  Even though I'm a lot older than she is.  I turned 46 at the end of August.  So weird to be this old.  I would forget that she was so much younger than me. Her husband is a couple of years younger than me, I think. She was so full of life.  She was loud.LOL  You could definitely hear her when you walked into a place where she was.  She had a great laugh, always looked on the bright side.  They didn't have any kids.  I couldn't imagine her as a mom.  She just wasn't that type of person to run after a kid.  Both her & her husband worked hard, but never seemed to be able to just relax & get ahead.  She worked at a few different jobs.  Most recently as a manger at Subway.  Which I think she liked, but it was a stressful job.  She started working at Wal Mart a month or so ago & loved it.  She liked that she wasn't in charge, I think.  Though she had that personality to BE in charge.  I asked her the night before she died how work was going & she said "relaxing."  She was happy.  She totally loved her husband more than anything.  Even after all the years that they were together, she was still as in love as she was at the beginning & he was too.  I have talked to him briefly since she died & as you can imagine, he is lost.  I don't think he'll ever get over losing Jen.  She was also really close to her mother-in-law. I'm sure she is just as lost.  She would come to Bingo with her & was always with her.  I haven't gone out to see them yet.  I'm sure they have enough going on as it is.  They are having a memorial service for her tomorrow afternoon.  I expect there to be a lot of people.  I don't think she knew how many lives she touched.  She gave everyone a chance, the benefit of the doubt, even though most people didn't give her a chance.  When you're overweight, you're overlooked a lot.  I know this & so did she.  But she was the friendliest person that you could ever meet.  Talking to everyone like she had known them for years.  She was loud, funny, caring, hard working, loyal.  Any words that I may put here don't do her justice.  You had to have known her.  But now she's gone forever.  I still have really accepted that yet.  That I will never see her again or hear her voice.  I keep asking her for a sign that she's OK.  But haven't gotten any yet.  Maybe there isn't anything after we die.  I know that you're supposed to have faith & I try.  I have always believed that there was something after death, but I want to KNOW that my loved one are OK.  I want to know that they still exist.  I don't know who to be mad at.  God, the Universe, Fate.  I just don't know.  She was cremated & part of her will be sent back to Florida to her parents & sister & the other part will stay here with her husband.  I can't even imagine what her parents & sister are going through.  They hadn't seen her for awhile, because she couldn't afford to go down there.  I'm just sad.  

I will write more soon.

IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING

Well I went to the doctor on the 22nd for a follow up.  She wanted me to get another chest x ray to make sure the pneumonia was totally gone.  Also wanted to talk to me about my blood work.  My cholesterol is "beautiful.":)  I thought that was pretty cool & rubbed it in my ex brother-in-law's face...he's always on my case about my mayo habit.LOL  I may have to give up some things, but mayo is NOT one of them. My iron is really low again...18% & it's supposed to be a lot higher than that.  It had been low once before, so I had taken some iron supplements...which helped.  I stopped taking them though, but obviously I need them.  I haven't started taking them again yet.  I take enough pills.  I will have to take like 4 of those a day.  Also...I'm pre-diabetic.:(  I thought I was, but hearing it from your doctor is a whole other story.  An A1C 6.0 or above is considered diabetic & mine is 5.8.  She said that I have time to reverse it...exercise, lose weight, etc.  Easy for her to say.  If anything..my eating has been more out of control this past week or so than it has been for awhile.  I don't know what the issue is.  It's like I'm ALWAYS hungry.  I'm afraid of getting on the scale.  I don't want to see the damage.  I HAVE exercised a few times...55 minutes of an exercise DVD..but not enough.  I keep saying "I'll be better tomorrow," but that hasn't been happening.  I'm not sure what to do to get it back under control.  Anyway...then there is my thyroid thing...I have nodules on it.  So she did another blood test to check to see how my thyroid is working...I have had my thyroid checked a lot over the years & it's always been "normal."  It was this time as well.  But she wanted to get a thyroid ultrasound done, because she had talked to the Ear, Nose & Throat specialist & he said if the nodules were less than 1 cm, then they would just "watch" them...but bigger than that & they would need to be biopsied.  So she gave me orders for that & the chest x ray.  I went & got those done on the 29th.  I was concerned about the ultrasound because I don't like things around my neck..but it wasn't too bad.  I was watching the monitor as she was doing the exam & she measured quite a few spots.  I got a call from the doctor on the morning of the 31st saying that my chest x ray was good, but that there were some "complex cysts" on my thyroid.  She didn't say how many, but they are on both sides & it's surprising that I don't have at least some trouble swallowing.  She said that she referred me to the Ear, Nose & Throat specialist & that they should be calling me.  Complex means that the cysts are made up of both fluid & solid components.  So I have to have a biopsy.:(  They will stick a thin needle in the cysts...yuck.  I have any appt on August 12th.  I have read some about thyroid cysts & over 90% are benign, so that's good...but the larger they are & if it has some solid stuff in it, it raises the chance of it being cancerous.  So kinda freaking out about that.  They wouldn't even have known that they were there if I hadn't need a CAT scan to find the pneumonia back in June. So I feel that it was meant to be found...but who knows how it will go from here.  Just hoping for the best.

The boys & I are going to Denver tomorrow for a few days.  Take them to the zoo & a few other places.  I wanted to take them somewhere & also spend some time with them before school starts again.  I have so much stuff to do before we leave that I feel a little overwhelmed.  Need to clean up the apartment, clean the car out, do some laundry at the laundromat, pay some bills, etc.  Then get back on Friday & drop the kids off, then am going to house sit for a friend for the weekend in Fairplay.  So all of that will keep me busy for at least awhile.  I'm always a bit scared of August anymore.LOL  Used to be my fave month because my birthday is at the end of the month, but there have been some bad things happen this month...more than other months.  So both really good things & really bad things have happened in August...hoping that this one is a good one though.  Last August was horrible.

My son & I went to Bingo last Friday night.  On the progressive, you had to get a blackout in 55 #'s or less for $3,000...if not then you would get $100.  Phillip got the blackout in 56 #'s!!  SOOOOO close!!!lol  He usually doesn't go with me, so it was nice that he decided to go.

School starts here around the 18th, I think.  Not looking forward to it AT ALL.  Mornings of "I'm tired," "I don't feel good," "I don't wanna go to school today" are in my future.  Just stressful mornings.  I am trying to get them to go to bed earlier now...but the oldest & youngest are NOT cooperating with me at the moment.

FAT SUCKS

I suck at this whole diet thing.  Always have...that's why I am the way I am now.  I'm good for a day or two...then "fall of the wagon."  I love food.  Always thinking about food.  Obsessing about food.  It's annoying.  I don't know what "normal" is where food is concerned, but that's what I want to be.  I want to be able to eat without overeating, I want to be able to have the things I like in moderation...but once I start eating ANYTHING with carbs...it's done.  I can't even do just the one meal a day with carbs...because I get out of control.  Then I just want more. I can't "carb cycle" for the same reason.  Maybe if I had money to get low carb food with, it would be different?  Who knows.  Right now, we eat what we have to eat.  Which is pretty much nothing low carb.   I binge...way too much. I haven't been exercising, but have been drinking more water.  I'm just basically disgusted with myself, food, being fat, etc.  I just need to figure out what works & do it.  I just so need to figure this out.  

NEED TO DO THIS!!

I keep saying that I want to lose weight, etc...but I don't even really try.  I might as well admit that right now.  I'm lazy basically.  I don't like to exercise...though I feel better after.  I don't drink enough water, don't stay low carb like I know I need to.  But enough is enough.  Otherwise I'm going to keep saying the same thing over & over again until I'm like 600 lbs or something.  I know that diet pills don't really work, but I have some left over that I might use again.  I didn't really use it the first time when I bought them...so still have plenty left.  It's "Leptopril."  It's supposed to suppress your appetite some & give you more energy.  If that's the case, then I'm all for it.  If I wasn't constantly hungry (or thinking that I am) & if I had more energy, I think it would be a whole lot easier to lose the weight.  So going to start that today & see how it goes.  I have eaten a TON of carbs over the past few days.  I haven't weighed yet today...but yesterday was 315.:(  I have been around 310.  I know that  I need to at least TRY & not half ass it & waste my time.  

THE CONFEDERATE FLAG, DUKES OF HAZARD, ETC.

This may piss some people off...but it's just my opinion.  I don't see why we can't just get along & learn to deal with each other & our differences...but guess that's not going to happen any time soon.

"On June 23, 2015, retailers Wal-Mart, Amazon.com, Sears Holding Corporation (which owns Sears and Kmart), and eBay all announced plans to stop selling merchandise with the Confederate flag. Similarly, Warner Bros. announced that they were halting production of "General Lee" car toys, which prominently feature a Confederate flag on the roof."

I don't even know how to go about saying this. The Confederate Flag is what it is. It's a part of history. I don't think that it should be taken out of stores, or off of State buildings in the South, or that "The Dukes of Hazard" should be taken off the air. It doesn't cause hate. People do. Hate is passed on from generation to generation. White parents and/or grandparents teach their kids to hate black people (or other races), black parents and/or grandparents teach their kids to hate white people. I feel that organizations like the KKK & other white supremacists groups shouldn't be allowed anywhere near kids & that they shouldn't be able to have any kids to carry on their hate. I feel that it's child abuse. That's just my opinion. Who made Dylann Roof hate black people, Jews, Hispanics & "East Asians?" Who knows? Yes he hates them all according the a manifesto the police found. They found pictures of him holding a gun & a Confederate Battle Flag. So....if he was holding a United States Flag...would we be getting rid of those too? The KKK isn't helping matters any. They plan to hold a rally on July 18th on the grounds of the South Carolina Statehouse in support of the Confederate flag. The South is still VERY racist no matter that it's 2015. I don't get it. I don't hate people for the color of their skin. I don't HATE anyone. I judge people based on their actions. Who cares what color their skin is? If I'm "racist" against anyone, it's against the KKK. Does that even make sense?? I actually DO feel a bit of hatred for them & people like them. They are ridiculous & they are cowards who dress up in bed sheets & pillow cases. The white race is no better than any other race & I'm not sure who told them they were. Slavery was a horrible thing. The flag is just a flag. Tomorrow people will be offended about something else. So to the KKK & all other racists out there....get over yourselves & you might as well quit deluding yourselves into thinking that God thinks it's OK to do what you're doing. To the black people out there....slavery should never have happened in the first place, however, you can't keep using that as an excuse whenever you're in trouble TODAY..you can't keep saying that all white people are against you. Not all are. So to ALL races out there...quit hating each other, quit killing each other, quit blaming each other. We are all supposed to be here or we wouldn't be.

Now if none of this made sense to you or I contradicted myself...which I'm sure I did in all of that...I'm not a writer, I'm not a brain. Thoughts come into my head & even though they make sense in there...it's hard for me to put it on paper or in this case on here. So cut me a little slack when I go on my rants.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

I can't believe that it's July already!!  I had the chest x-ray & blood work done.  The x ray showed some residual something or other (I really need to write this stuff down!) & I will have to have another one around the 22nd of this month to make sure that whatever is there is cleared up.  If not, we will have to see from there.  All of my blood work came back OK.  So she wants to check those nodules on my thyroid.  Not sure how they go about doing that.  Also to talk to me some more about all of my other blood work.  I hate having to wait...especially the whole doctor thing.  I just want to know things NOW!lol  I still get short of breath easily, but that could be because I'm fat.  I still have a cough with some crap in my chest.  Other than that, I don't feel too bad.  A few days earlier in the week...I was sweating like crazy.  Yes most people DO sweat in the Summer...but this was running down my face sweating, which is unusual for me.  I wasn't even really doing anything at the times that it happened.  I was helping mom clean a house, but I had just gotten there & hadn't really done anything yet.  I could be in peri-menopause (I'm too thrilled).  I will be 46 next month.  I have had my right ovary removed because of a cyst...that was over 14 years ago.  I had 2 more kids after that.  I know guys may be reading this too...and for this next bit...I'm sorry..LOL  I only had my period maybe 2-3x last year.  This year I have only had it once & that was in January.   It was pretty heavy then...yuck.  I don't miss it.  I DO, however, get period cramps from time to time....which are more annoying than anything else really. 

 
The weight loss thing...when I was sick...I had "gotten down" to 303.  Have been back up to around 311 & yesterday was 308.  Now that's better than the 327 I got up to a few months ago, but I don't want to be in the 300's AT ALL.  I haven't been exercising at all...that's just me being lazy.  I need to start.  I have been trying to drink more water.  I have to pretty much not eat anything to lose weight & it's annoying.  I try to stick to mostly low carb, but I'm not totally low carb.  If I feel deprived at all, then I binge.  I don't think that I eat as much in the Summer as I do in the Winter...just because it's too hot & I feel sick if I eat anything other than like fruit.  I'm not a big fan of fruit & vegetables, but I know that you need those things.  I have also found that I pretty much can't eat after like 6:00pm.  If I do, I will be sick later that night.  It seems that no matter what I may eat...it just doesn't sit well with me at that time.  I have heartburn a lot.  I take Prilosec every once in a while for it, but not on a regular basis.  The bad thing is...I WANT to eat after 6:00pm!!LOL  I can go all day sometimes without eating, but then want to eat at night, which isn't a good thing.  But I don't like feeling sick to my stomach.  So I just need to figure some things out.  I want to be below 300 lbs before my birthday at the end of next month...it's only 9 lbs til I get there....you think that I would be able to manage that, but we'll see.

I have had a little extra money this month...so I should be all happy & calm & not worried about anything...well I fucked up.  I have NO self control.  I think that sometimes I need to go to Gamblers Anonymous.  I spend way too much money on scratch tickets, Bingo & on-line gambling sites.  Well mostly just one.  I win some...but most of the time it's not enough to cover what I have spent.  So instead of being relaxed about it all, I'm a little stressed.  I have no one to blame but myself.  I haven't told anyone & don't plan to.  I write it here & tell you guys & that's enough.  I'm concerned about being judged to an extent, but if you write a blog, I guess that's something that you just need to accept.  I'm not sure why I like to gamble like I do...maybe it's the thrill of winning something.  The adrenaline rush.  All I know is that if I DON'T win at the time, I feel totally guilty & tell myself that I won't do it  again, but then I do.  We are OK for now. 

 I wanted to go to N. Dakota to see one of my best friends whom I haven't seen in 24 years!  But since I waited until now to see about tickets for later this month...they are a little more than I can afford.  I can get them now for around the beginning of September...which would be cool, but the kids are in school then & I don't have anyone to get them up & off to school.  So not sure what the plans will be.  I don't want to go up there in the Winter as they get a lot of snow & she lives 3 hours from the airport.  

A word of advice...never look at your exes gf's FB page.LOL  Well...I'm not sure why..but she unblocked me.  I was just messing around one day & typed her name in & found that out.  But I think that she hides most of her stuff & definitely anything about Jeff.  There are no pics of him or any mention of him in the posts that I'm able t o read.  The only reason I know that they're still together is because of a comment someone left her about the two of them.  I had been thinking about him a lot & guess that's why I was looking at her page.  Our 3rd anniversary would've been June 26th, his birthday is this month, next month it'll be a year since he moved out, etc.  Just got to me.  The messed up thing is I still miss him in a way.  I definitely miss his friendship.  But I know that I can't go back.  SO...I'm not looking at her page anymore.  He moved on a long time ago.  I just need to let it go. 

 
My step-dad has been gone for 2 years yesterday.   Sometimes it seems like that long & other times it seems like it just happened.  I miss him a ton.  It still really bothers me.  I know that death happens to all of us, but I don't have to like it.  I'm also just trying to figure out what I believe & don't believe as far as Heaven, God & everything are concerned.  Like I think I have said before, I believe in reincarnation...or I at least hope that's how it goes.   I just freak out about not existing anymore.  I freak out about my mom, kids, etc. not existing anymore & not ever seeing the people I love again who have already died.  When I was so sick last month, I literally thought I was going to die.  I felt sooo bad.  I don't make a good patient.  The unknown really bothers me.  

I need to write here more.  I keep saying that & then go weeks without writing anything & then I have so much to say!  I'm sure it gets a bit overwhelming reading my posts when I jump around so much. 

 
My ex-sister-in-law invited my mom & I over for a barbecue this evening, so we're going to be going there & then watching fireworks from here house.  They shoot them off of "Tenderfoot Mountain" & that's pretty much in front of her house.  They were actually selling fireworks this year...in recent years, we haven't been able to have a fireworks display, because the weather was so dry & we had to wait until Labor Day weekend for them to do it.  But we have been getting some rain this Summer, so that's cool.  

That's a picture of Tenderfoot from downtown.  Some people may think that it's weird that my ex sister in law invited us down there, but my kids go & yes my ex will be there with his gf, but we get along OK now.  So it's really not a big deal.  I still get along with his family even when I wasn't getting along with him.  
I hope everyone has an awesome 4th of July!! Be safe!

GETTING BETTER

I have been starting to feel a bit better.  I still have a cough & some stuff in my chest, but the fever has stayed gone & my oxygen levels are like 94%, so that's all good.  I went back to the doctor for a follow up on the 16th.  She wanted me to let her know immediately if the fever came back & that we would just have to be careful about the whole pneumonia thing from now on.  I go back for another chest x-ray on the 24th & also some blood work.  The spots on my thyroid showed up during the CAT scan, so she's going to do a blood test & see what's going on with that & "keep an eye on it."  Also check me again for diabetes...because I basically have pre-diabetes, check my cholesterol, etc.  I have a "fatty liver," which I have known about for a little while.  They ask if I drink.  I used to go out & drink quite a bit, but haven't in a long time & it was never on a regular basis.  I know that high fat foods can cause that as well.  So we'll see how it all goes.  My kids are doing good as far as getting over being sick goes.  Matthew still has a cough going, but he also has seasonal asthma, so he's better if he uses his inhaler when he needs to.  Phillip isn't working anymore.  It came under new management & they just didn't think he was fast enough, but that maybe after school starts again & Summer is over, he can try to go back.  I thought it was nice of them to say that he could go back if he wanted to.  I don't know if he will or not.  I told him that this Summer, he can do some school stuff (he goes to the alternative high school & can work on different things for credits), start seeing his therapist again (he has anger issues & depression) & lose some weight.  He would feel better if he did.  I think it would be easier for him since he's only 17 & he's a guy.  They seem to be able to lose weight faster than women.  He just needs to find the motivation to do it.  To go for walks or whatever & to not eat so much & definitely not eat the carbs like he does.  It frustrates me that he's so unmotivated to do anything.  I hope that he figures it out soon. 

My niece (the one who lives with my mom) has been stressing even me out a bit these days.  She says they can't afford to move out & get their own place.  Well they are going to have to figure out a way.  They don't help mom around the house at all.   They live there basically for free.  Bring home food for themselves & not even ask mom if she wants anything.  They go to the mountains on a regular basis to "find rocks."  Yes they find some cool ones sometimes & are even able to sell some of them, but that's not going to pay rent.  He also works on cars some...but when they do have money, they blow it fast.  Instead of putting it aside for rent or whatever, they are going out to eat, buying new clothes, etc.  They have lived with mom for over a year now.  She also has a couple of dogs.  Mom has really never really liked dogs...not big ones anyway...and Justine has a pit.  Mom puts up with that one & the other little dog that she has. But Justine is always looking in the paper for dogs or cats & then she gets mad when mom says that there is to be absolutely NO MORE animals brought into her house.  Justine KNOWS this, but continues to look & then get's all pissed off when she can't have one that she likes.  Then Brandon (her bf) left his dog with his ex since he can't have it at mom's.  Well now she says that he either takes the dog or she's going to take it to the animal shelter, so they are flipping out about that & want mom to let them have the dog at her house.  WTF don't they understand about no more animals??  Half the time (more so really) MOM is the one that is cleaning up the dog poop in the yard.  They don't.  Even though mom doesn't like their pit, she's the one that makes sure she has water when it's hot out.  They do to an extent, but not on a regular basis.  It's just a bunch of different things that they do or don't do that is stressing mom & everyone else out.  Yes my kids stay down there some....but it's mostly Dominic & he helps out when she asks him to.  She'll ask Justine to do something & it rarely gets done.  My youngest sister, Cindy, was up over the weekend (Justine's mom).  Cindy has been with her fiancee for quite a few years now & they have a 4 year old daughter together, Jasmine.  Plus his son from a previous relationship, Nathan.  They all came over to visit & do some other things.   They hadn't seen Maximux (Justine's son) since he was born in February, so they were excited to see him.  Cindy bought Max some "swimming diapers" so that they could all go up swimming yesterday.  Cindy was even paying for it all.  Well Justine didn't want to go because it was "too hot" out....ummmmm....that's why you go swimming, right??  Cindy was disappointed.  I don't blame her.  She hardly gets to see them.  It's not like Justine & Brandon don't drag Max out to the mountains or wherever when it's hot out.  She was just being rude.  No Cindy wasn't the best mom to Justine (she was 14 when she had her)...but she's trying now & is much better with Jasmine.  Justine should make the effort to at least be civil.  Family crap is always stressful.  I have always tried to keep the peace, but it's not always easy to do.  I agree with mom about the no pet thing, it IS her house.  Plus mom is still dealing with the death of her husband in July 2013.  She still has a hard time with it.  She has health problems & I don't think she needs the added stress.  She doesn't want Max living in the truck or in a shelter or whatever, otherwise she would just kick them out.  They need to get their own place.  They would be happier too.  I wouldn't want to stay with someone who didn't want me there.  Mom loves Max but refuses to get too attached, because of the way Cindy was with Justine.  It's a whole other story, but basically mom loved Justine so much & Cindy (who was on drugs at the time), would use that against her.  As in "you'll never see her again if you don't do this or act like this," etc.  She did the same thing to me, but I still love Max totally.  You just have to hope that things will be a bit different & if they're not, then you deal with it then.  I know I ramble a lot, but just needed to vent some.  I love my niece, but she & her boyfriend really need to get themselves together & figure out how to rent a place.  

PNEUMONIA

Yep it totally came on all of a sudden.  It's a bit of a story, so if you don't want to hear it (it could be boring)...then I totally understand.   My middle son had been sick the last 2 weeks of the school year.  I was trying not to get it.  I hate being sick any time of the year, but when it's warmer out, it seems worse to me.  Plus I get a little paranoid anymore because I had gotten pneumonia in June 2012 for the first time ever...and it was a horrible experience.  Once you've had it, you're more likely to get it again.  I had an pneumonia vaccination about 2 years ago...they say you need one every 5 years.  I started feeling like crap on June 2nd...tried to ignore it.  Mom & I had plans on the 3rd to meet some family friends up in the mountains to spread the ashes of another family friend.  I went ahead and went because I didn't feel "too" bad.  We had to walk a ways to spread the ashes...up a hill...OK...for one I'm fat.  So I knew I wasn't going to make it the entire way to begin with...no way.  But I also had that crap starting in my chest...I'm wheezing & coughing, etc.  I made it a ways, but that was it for me.  I went & waited in the truck...feeling embarrassed really.  After we made it back home that afternoon...I decided that I had better go to Wal Mart before I felt worse.  My youngest was with me.  Coming back to the apartment, I grabbed some bags & came up...that was it...I was done.  I told Matthew that I was sorry, but that he was going to have to bring up the rest.  I just couldn't breathe.  He was awesome & did that & put things away that needed to be put in the fridge or the freezer.  Mom called later & said that I probably had pneumonia again & should go to the doctor.  I didn't listen to her soon enough the first time, so went ahead & went to the doctor the next day.  By then, I had started running a fever around 101.  I don't get fevers a lot.  She listened to my lungs, etc, etc.  Said that I just needed to rest, if it got worse to let her know, but she didn't hear anything in my lungs.  By that night...I was miserable, so went to the ER...of course, after I had managed to make myself get out of bed (the chills were crazy), having 2 of my kids go with me, I get to the ER & I'm sweating.  My fever had come down some & they didn't see a need for a chest X-ray or anything, so he gave me a prescription for antibiotics & sent me on my way.  The next 3 days are a blur of thinking I was dying, having chills so bad that they hurt (which I would prefer) OR feeling like I was going to burn up & spontaneously combust.  It was bad.  Matthew did what he could, be wasn't feeling great by then either.  He would bring me ice water, cold washcloths, turn the fan on or off, etc.  I sipped a lot of water, but had no appetite.  I couldn't bring myself to go back to the ER...I didn't feel like walking downstairs & driving there really.  My mom came around some insisting that I DID have pneumonia, the doctor was stupid, etc.  I didn't want her around too much, because  I don't want her getting sick or getting my 4 month old great-nephew sick.  I even called the doctor on Saturday or Sunday & told her how high the fever had gotten...103.4.  She said "the virus just needs to work it's way out of your body."  I told her I had gone to the ER.  She asked me what their "diagnosis" was & asked why they gave me antibiotics.  So whatever.  Monday, I call and make an appt, because I just can't deal with it.  I feel like I'm dying.  I just want someone to DO something to make me feel better again.  I had a 2:30pm appt & my ex husband is the only one who could take me.  Luckily, we now talk civilly.  I get down there, get a "mask," they tell me I look like hell & I go sit down.  30-40 minutes LATER...people have come in after me & have already been seen & left...keeps happening.  I'm just trying to stay alive at this point.  Wonder if people can see that I'm melting.  My ex is just about to say something to someone, when one of the nurses comes out to get yet another person & asks me if I'm OK.  I'm like no.  So they get me in...my temp is 103.7.  They put one of those oxygen things on my fingers.  It takes a while to register and then it stays around 85%-88%...then it just turns off.  Well I'm HOT, but my fingers are freezing.  She tells me that sometimes it can't get a reading.  Shows me how purplish my fingernails are.  She still can't hear anything in my lungs.  So sends me to the ER.  She calls over there first, so when I get there, they're expecting me, which is good, because there are a lot of people in there.  They bring me a wheelchair & I go back for blood tests & a chest x-ray.  The doctor on call, the same one who was there Thursday night when I was there, seems surprised that they didn't do all of these tests then.  OK?  So we wait...and nothing.  Then a nurse comes back in for more blood, they are now checking for blood clots.  More waiting...the blood test comes back positive, so now they want to do a CAT scan to look for blood clots.  So I get that done..at the very end of it..it feels like my lower left back kind of "inflates" real quick & it hurts for like 15-20 seconds.  I tell the guy & he said that was weird & asks me about it again back in the ER & if it hurts anymore...it doesn't.  After about another hour of waiting...the doctor comes back in kinda laughs & says "you really gave us quite the runaround."  He said that there are no blood clots, but that I DO have pneumonia in my lower left lung...(where I had felt that weird thing)...though I forget to mention this to him.  Nobody...and there were many who checked...had heard anything in my lungs thru the stethoscope.  It didn't even show up on just the chest x-ray.  He told me to quit taking the antibiotics that I was already taking...they weren't going to help at all & that he would start me on a 7 day course of this really strong antibiotic (it's also used to treat Anthrax).  My fever was gone after I took the first one & hasn't been back since.  I know that doctors aren't miracle workers & don't know everything.  I'm just annoyed that my regular doctor basically refused to listen to how I felt.  If it "wasn't that bad," I wouldn't have been calling her about it on a weekend.  I'm not a baby.  I haven't decided if I will change doctors or not.  I live in a small town & there isn't a huge selection.  I just don't like not being taken seriously.  Pneumonia may be treatable now, but it's still a serious thing.  I'm still tired, still short of breath, still have to "take it easy."  I guess I "sound" better, because that's what people keep telling me.  They must also think that I feel 100% better.  Back to running my oldest to work, my youngest to the doctor, then to get meds at the store, etc.  Yes I feel a bit better (Thank God!)...but I'm not going to bounce back in a few days.  I feel panicky that I won't feel better EVER, but I know that's not the right way to think about it & that I will feel better, have more energy & be able to do things again soon.  I'm scared of dying.  I don't want to leave my kids.  I'm thinking...what have I done??  I need to get better NOW so I can get healthier & quit all the nonsense that doesn't make me stronger.  There is a list of risk factors that make you more likely to get pneumonia: 

• infants & children
• adults over 65
• people who have lowered immune systems
• people who have COPD
• people who are diabetic
• smokers                                                                         

I'm none of those things....so I have no clue.  I had to take Matthew to the doctor today because he is coughing so hard.  The doctor (a different one) heard something in his left lung, so is going to start him on antibiotics.  I checked my oxygen when I was there & it's staying around 88%.  I can't sleep.  I don't know what that's about...but have NO LUCK at all.  I lay there...for hours...maybe sleep for 2 hours a night, then I'm awake again.  I know I need to sleep for awhile & just rest, but as soon as I try...too much stuff going on in my head.  I rarely suffer from insomnia...so I guess this is just one of those things that you have to deal with & get thru.  The ER doctor also asked if I knew that I had a nodule on my thyroid.  Geez...I have gotten blood tests checking that thing a zillion times over the years & it's always been "fine."  I'm not even going to mention that until later.  I'm just focusing on this one battle at the moment.  On the "bright side," I have lost like 6-7 lbs.  For a total of 22 lbs now.:)

HEALTH

I am soooo not good at coming up with titles.  
Went to the doctor yesterday because my knees are killing me.  I live in an upstairs apartment...so that's always a fun thing.  Looks like there is fluid around them...all puffy, etc.  Thought she might just drain them & put "shots" into them.  Nope.  She DID order x-rays but basically told me that losing weight would help.  My lower right leg swells up often & is getting darker because of blood vessels bursting (that's what I got from the explaination anyway).   I'm supposed to be wearing compression socks on a regular basis...which I haven't been.  I get mad at my ex for doing the same thing I have apparently been doing...if I don't acknowledge it...it's not happening.  Stupid, I know. I have known for most of my life that I needed to lose weight.  Have always been on one diet or another.  I can never stick to them because I love to eat.  Bottom line.  But I have to quit having a love/hate relationship with food.  Have to stop thinking about it all the time.  When I'm eating breakfast (which I rarely do), I'm thinking about what I'm going to have for lunch, etc.  Wondering if I should eat this or not eat that.  Feeling guilty as soon as I eat something.  I used to just ENJOY the food when I was eating it.  Not worry about the consequences.  It hasn't been like that for a long time, yet I keep eating too much & feeling like crap.  As I have gotten older, I have found that there are foods that I can't eat anymore...like eggs.  I love those things, but they aren't worth the pain that it causes me.  I was drinking protein drinks until they started making my stomach hurt for hours after...because they contain milk.  Bread or any other carbs make me tired,...and make me gain weight.  I know that I'm all over the place with this post & most, if not all, of my other ones will be like this too.  I just write as it comes to me...which means that I'm here, then I'm there, then back here again.  I apologize for that.  It's just who & how I am.  Exercise & I...well I'm OK as soon as I start doing it...but it's just getting to that point.  After my fiancee left me last August I started exercising every day.  Usually for an hour or more.  Felt good.  I had motivation...hoping that it would make him come back to me.  Yeah another stupid idea.  What I'm getting at with that is, I wish that I would have just kept it up instead of quitting when I realized he wasn't going to come back to me no matter what I did.  Instead I let myself gain this weight back again.  I'm frustrated & annoyed with myself.  I need to get healthy.  To be there for my kids for as long as possible & to feel better.  It's not easy for me to make changes.  It would be so easy to just bury my head in the sand & go on like I have been, but that would just make things worse.  I don't want my life to be like an episode of "My 600 lb Life."  I get so pissed off at those people when they come up with excuses as to why they can't lose weight or whine that they can't do it, sneak food & sabotage themselves.  Yet I do the same thing.  I'm taking responsibility.  I let myself get this huge & now I have to get un-huge.  It won't be easy for me.  I usually start out with a bit of motivation & then quickly lose it.  But I'm tired of being in pain, not feeling good, being tired all of the time, not being able to fit into clothes that I want to fit into, looking fat in pictures, being invisible.  I don't want to end up like a woman I saw at the doctor's office.  Heavier, older, using a cane, having to be on oxygen.  I don't want to be that person who other fat people look at & think to themselves "well at least I'm not THAT fat."  Yes we do that to each other.  As long as there are other people fatter than us, we tell ourselves that we're OK still.  We're not though.  So here is to losing weight & feeling better.  To NOT quitting anymore.

GAMBLING ADDICITON

I haven't bought a scratch ticket since around May 12th.  Yes this is significant for me.  I have an addiction & it sucks.  I love to gamble.  Even though I don't have a lot of money to gamble with. That has never stopped me before.  But it does now.  I need to get a grip.  I need to grow up & quit doing stupid shit.  I need to act responsible.  The real test will come when I get paid on June 3rd.  Will I be able to fight the urge?  I hope so.  I'm going to do my best.  I compromised with myself.  I will give up scratch tickets, but can still go to Bingo.  I love playing Bingo.  But it's not just that.  I like the friends that I have there & the whole social aspect of it.  I'm just not willing to give that up.  Cut back to maybe once or twice a week?  Yes.  I live in a small town.  I can go up to 3x a week here (probably a good thing that I don't live in a city).  Do I NEED to go 3x a week?  My addiction says HELL YES!!  But I know that I can't be doing that UNLESS I'm actually winning & coming out ahead.  I can go Wednesday, Thursday & Friday nights.  If I had to choose just one, I would pick Friday nights.  Even with that, I didn't go last week at all & won't be able to go this week either.  NEXT week I will be able to.  Another thing...I need to just spend the bare minimum.  I sometimes have a tendency to spend a lot more than I have to.  Those who go to Bingo or have been to Bingo understand how easy this is to do.  Another thing, I can only go to Cripple Creek once every 2-3 months or so.  They have a bus that goes up there the first Monday every month.  It's fun to go..but so easy to just blow your money.  A town with a lot of casinos...as soon as I get into one of those places, it seems like I lose all sense of reality & am like a zombie.  Love the sounds, smells.  I get an adrenaline thing going.  I have learned only to take a certain amount of money up there with me & to leave any credit/debit cards at home.  I also need to quit borrowing money from people..because then I can't pay them back right away usually.  It's embarrassing.  I was able to pay some people back at the beginning of this month....but still have a few people to pay totally back.  I'm NOT going to borrow anymore money.  My mom helps me out when she can if I need something for the kids.  But she is on a fixed income now too.  Plus she has my niece, my niece's boyfriend & their 3 1/2 month old baby living with her at the moment.  She has enough problems & things to deal with.  She doesn't need me adding to all of that stress.  I feel like such a moocher & loser sometimes.  I'm 45 years old & I still depend on my mom too much.  Always have.  I just need to be better about everything in my life.  I'm not happy right now.  I have to figure out what will MAKE me happy & do that.  I have been trying to figure it out...shouldn't be such a hard question, but, for me, it is.  

LIFE

The boys had their bowling tournament last weekend in Denver.  It went really well.:)  They had a good time.  Though Dominic (my middle one) has anxiety some & likes his "routine," so it was a little hard for him...but all did well.  Matthew (youngest) got his highest score ever...201!  He was so happy & excited.  I'm proud of him.  We went to the mall while we were there.  Their aunt had given them some money & then my oldest. Phillip, got paid that weekend from his job...which helped a lot since he could buy his own things.  I reached my goal on my funding site, which was amazing.

I know that a lot of people probably think that Colorado is cold most of the year...or at least cooler in the mountain areas.  That hasn't been the case in years.  I have lived in a small town surrounded by mountains for most of my life.  It has been getting into the 90's & up starting in May for a long time.  This year....totally different.  It has been cold, raining, snowing...being pretty crazy.  I don't like it really hot, so I love the cooler weather & am not complaining.  Just strange that it's like this.  I could do without the wet snow though...it just turns everything into slop.  My mom's driveway turns into nothing but mud.  I love the rain though, the thunder & lightning.

I haven't been doing so great on the low carb thing.  I did manage to lose 16 lbs...but have been hovering there for awhile  We don't have any money for food right now, let alone low carb food.  So I have been eating a lot of what I shouldn't be.  It makes me feel crappy...physically & mentally.  I really want to get this weight off.  I also want to feel better.  My joints have been hurting a lot lately.  The inside part of my knees gets really stiff & when I go to stand up...it really hurts.  Not sure if it's arthritis, the Fibromyalgia or a combination.  I'm tired A LOT.  I don't sleep well at night.  I keep telling myself that I'm going to start exercising "tomorrow," but then never do.  I think it would help me to feel better if I did.  I just have to get off of my lazy ass & do it.

I have still been talking to the guy in West Virginia.  It's kinda hard to do right now though, since I don't have a phone for a few weeks.  Being broke pretty much sucks.  I keep thinking that I should try to get my job back at Wal Mart, but then I have days like I have had for the past few days & not sure that I CAN work.  It's rare that I feel good.  I know that there are people out there working that feel worse than I do.  I'm just not good at working when I'm hurting or feeling sick.  Calling in isn't the best idea...especially if it's on a regular basis.  So I'm trying to figure out how to make myself feel better first & then see about working again.  Anyway, I"m still going to try to do low carb...I still have a few things around the apartment that are low carb...though not many.  I don't know how anyone can be anorexic.  I love to eat too much to starve myself.  I have tried.  All is does is make me feel sick & also leads me to binge eating.  NOT a good thing.  As I have gotten older, I also have come to find out that my stomach doesn't like a lot of things that it used to like.  Which is annoying.  It may change from day to day too!  I eat something one day & feel fine...eat the same thing that next day & it makes my stomach hurt, or makes me tired or makes me nauseous.  I hate being nauseous & hate throwing up...so bulimia is out too.  I'm not making a joke here.  I know that anorexia & bulimia are real problems.  I'm just saying that I couldn't be either.  Though I DO want to be thin.

I have started feeling "panicky" again.:(  I hate it.  I used to have panic attacks ALL OF THE TIME or at least feel that anxiety in the pit of my stomach.  The Effexor has helped both with the depression & anxiety, so not sure why it's coming back.  I can't handle it.  I think I'm just freaking out about the future, though I try to live in the now.  Too much stuff to think about.

HELLO

Sadly I DID get some judgmental people about the funding site thing.  They have a right to their opinion.  I just wish they weren't so rude about it.  I had those 3 donations the first day & none since then.:(  It has been viewed like 326 times...if each of those people would have donated $1...then that would've helped a great deal.  But it's OK.  I know that most people don't think it's an important thing.   I have a hard time with criticism, but I knew to expect it.

  

I'm house/pet sitting again...just for the night though.  It's supposed to snow some more tomorrow...so will try to leave a bit early to head home.  I don't want to drive in the snow & ice. 

 
My youngest son, Matthew went on a 3 day camping trip with his class from school.  It was supposed to be a good time, but as soon as I went to pick him up at the school, I knew that something was wrong.  He got emotional when he started telling me what happened & then I got teary-eyed & THEN pissed off!  Three girls were bullying him....yes he can stand up for himself against other boys..because he has my permission to kick their asses if they start it.  But with little girls...there's not much you can do.  However, I have now told him that if they are hitting him or throwing things at them...then he can defend himself.  If they want to act like little brats...then there will be consequences.  They were throwing snowballs at him with ice in them.  He told them repeatedly to stop, which they didn't & were calling him names, making fun of him, etc.  A couple of the snow/ice balls hit him in the face, busted his lip & made one of his bottom front PERMANENT teeth loose.  If he looses that tooth, there will be more issues than there are now.  I COULD call the cops & get these girls for assault, but I don't want to get them into the whole legal system.  So I called the principal as soon as I had picked him up.  He wasn't in...which was weird...but I left a message on his voice mail explaining the situation.  The next day (last Thursday), I waited for him to call me, but he hadn't by like 2:00pm, so I called him again.  I told him again what had gone on...he said he hadn't heard anything about it!  Supposedly one of the teachers at the camp had given these girls detention...well wouldn't the principal KNOW about that if they actually got detention??  Plus NOBODY had called me & told me what had happened, so I'm sure that nobody called the girls' parents either...which isn't OK.  He said he would find out what went on, but that he had some interviews that afternoon.  He would "let me know."  They don't have school on Fridays, so if I don't hear from him on Monday..I will call him again or just go in there.  Matthew didn't go to school on Thursday, because he didn't want to deal with the girls that are in a few of his classes.  I don't blame him.  He doesn't know their last names, otherwise I would have contacted the parents already.  I want the girls & their parents in the principal's office with Matthew, his dad & I.  They need to know that it's not OK for their daughters to be brats and/or bullies.  One of them is "rich" supposedly & throws that around quite often apparently.  That's not OK either.  If it keeps happening, I will tell them that he has a right to defend himself & if the girl(s) get hurt...then it's their own fault.  The schools supposedly have an anti-bullying policy, but they never enforce anything.  I'm not going to let this one slide.  It was supposed to be a fun experience for him.  It was his first time away from home (he's 11 & in the 5th grade)...so he was homesick as well...he didn't need this crap.  I'm tired of bullies & I'm tired of the parents letting their kids get away with being that way.

My oldest started working at Subway & loves it so far...I hope he continues to do so.  He goes to the alternative high school..that works better for him...yet he hasn't been going to that regularly...I'm tired of fighting with him about it.  I told him that if he wants to quit, then to go ahead & quit, but then he has to get his GED, work full-time & find a place to live.  I love him immensely...I just don't know what the hell to do about getting him thru school.  He has missed so much school that he won't graduate on time (in 2 years) unless he motivates himself & gets it done.  I don't really see that happening.  If he moves out, I lose child support for him, which would really hurt...but it's going to end eventually anyway.  I have told them & others that when they are all 18 & out doing their own thing, that I will be living in a box in Vegas.LOL  Hopefully not.  But it's going to be really difficult & I do worry about that.  Plus I don't want them out any time soon.  I love them & they are my life.  By the way, no I DON'T want him quitting school...I just need him to make up his mind what he wants to do before they kick him out & he doesn't have a choice.

I had told you that I was talking to 2 different guys that I was interested in...well the one in West Virginia is definitely the one that I would love to be with.  He feels the same about me.  It got serious fast, so I know that we need to move slower...which we will.  Not much choice with the distance & all.  After Jeff living with the boys & I & then leaving like he did...I'm not going to rush into anyone living with us again or the boys getting close to someone again until I'm sure...well hell I was "sure" about Jeff.  So I don't know.  The whole Jeff thing was a fiasco.  I want a relationship, but I also want it to just be the boys & I for awhile...I know that I can't have it both ways.  

The low carb thing has been going pretty good...though I'm not as strict as I should be.  I should be at least 10 lbs less than I am right now if I was following my schedule. I have gotten down to 311...but am 313 right now.  I just need to be more strict with myself & also start exercising.  I THINK about exercising a lot...LOL  Just need to DO it.