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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

COMPUTER & STUFF

My computer is fried.  Too many viruses...can't get into a lot of my sites..even this one is being weird.  Jeff is getting a copy of Windows 7...going to have to totally erase my hard drive, which I'm not happy about, but there's really nothing else to do.  So need to spend the next day or so putting all of my picture files on Photo Bucket.  Will take a bit.  I don't know if I downloaded something funky...I try not to download much at all...or if my son Phillip had downloaded something.  He tends to do that even if I ask him not to.  He hasn't been using my computer too much lately, but the damage has been done. 

My weight is being ridiculous.  Well guess it's really ME that's being ridiculous.  Just feeling out of control with everything.  I want to eat ALL THE TIME.  It sucks.  I have been trying to be good....not to have any carbs or very little if I do.  I'm back up in the 300's & that's unacceptable.  I will figure it out though.  I won't/can't let myself get any higher than this.  It will just be all downhill from there if I do.  I watched a few episodes of "My 600 lb Life" the other night.  Some of those people are able to lose the weight with gastric bypass & some aren't.  A lot of it is mental & making you're stomach smaller won't necessarily help.  That would be me.  It's all mental for me for the most part.  One woman who frustrated me on there...she just decided she couldn't/wouldn't do it.  She was unable to get out of bed, so her husband was fixing all of her food.  He was basically enabling her.  If she can't get out of bed, then bring her less food or healthier food & not so much of it.  What is she going to do about it?  Yes she would bitch & complain, but that's about it.  She had a 5 year old son that she wasn't able to do anything with...go to his Kindergarten graduation etc, but she justified it my saying she was there for him more than a woman working would be.  Hanging out with him on her bed, getting him ready for Halloween, etc.  That isn't the same, but guess she made herself feel better by saying that.  She kept repeating the same thing...that she was a better mom than mom's who had to work for a living.  I was also frustrated with her husband.  He seemed resigned to the fact that she was the way she is, even though it was going to end up killing her.  She was on oxygen, had severe cellulitis in her legs.  I don't want to be anywhere NEAR that.  Don't want to give up like that.  I'm thankful that I can go for walks & do things with my kids. Yes I may get tired easily or my knees/hips may hurt after I go for a walk, but at least I can get out of bed...and for that I'm grateful.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

WHERE IS THE LIGHT?

Having a hard time seeing a light at the end of the tunnel here.  Just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm tired.  Usually I can tell myself that it will get better..right now I just can't do that.  I just need to find a way to deal with how I feel about everything.  I need to quit being such a baby about how "hard" life is.  Everyone has their own demons to deal with...depression is just one of mine.  

Monday, May 19, 2014

FMM: ANIMALS

FMM

If you’ve taken part in FMM before then you are familiar with the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to read and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Animals

1. What is your favorite domestic animal?
Gonna have to go with cats on this one...though I do like small dogs as well.
2. What is your favorite farm animal?
Would have to say horses...though they terrify me a bit as well.
3. What is your favorite wild animal?
White tiger...they are beautiful!!

4. Which animal describes you the best?
I don't really know. I'm thinking some kind of bear....soft & cuddly.LOL  Unless you annoy me...then not nice.
5. If you were able to come back as an animal which one would it be?
A cheetah...how cool would it be to be THAT fast??

6. What do you think about zoos?
I like going to zoos.  Love being able to see the animals that I wouldn't get to see otherwise.  I think as long as they are taken well care of, that's all that matters.  I know that there are some zoos that don't take care of the animals like they should...those ones should be shut down.  
7. What do you think about animals in circuses?
I have enjoyed going to circuses when I was younger & I have also taken my kids to some.  But I think that the cages for the animals are too small, the animals aren't well taken care of & they just need a place to BE themselves & not be forced to do things that doesn't come naturally to them.
8. Do you have a favorite animal charity you like to support?
I really don't.  
9. Do you have a favorite ‘animal’ movie?

Thought that this was a really cute movie.:)

If you would like to participate in FMM...please go to losingweightandhavingfun.com

Sunday, May 18, 2014

FMM: COLORS (5-5-14)

FMM
So welcome to FMM’s new permanent home, and a nice new logo to go with it. Everything else is pretty much staying the same, but I would love some feedback from you guys, do you have any ideas to mix things up, or ideas for topics/questions? I would love to feature one of you a month with your questions. If you are interested please shoot me an email: sarah@losingweightandhavingfun.com
If you’ve taken part in FMM before then you are familiar with the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to read and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Colors

1. When you look out of your nearest window – what is the first color you see?
Gray of the apartment building across from me
2. How colorful was your last meal?
Well...had hot & spicy's from McDonald's!!LOL  So...brown, green (lettuce), white (mayo)
3. What color is your car/bike/main mode of transport?
White....2009 Chevrolet Impala
4. What color clothes are you wearing?
A black shirt with bright pink on the front & blue jeans
5. If you have pets – what color are they?
Don't have any pets..
6. What color is your hair?
Well...it's blonde now...but over the past few months...it has been dark purple, light purple, lilac, bright pink, red.:)  I'm calling it a mid-life crisis.
7. What color ink do you prefer to write in?
Doesn't really matter...but will have to say black is my fave ink color.
8. What color is your favorite sports team?
Black & Gold...Go Saints!!:)

9. What color are your favorite pair of shoes?
Blue & Black
10. What is your favorite flower and if it comes in multiple colors what is your favorite color?
Lilacs....purple!!:)



DEPRESSION

This is one of the worst depressions I have ever had hands down.  I don't feel like doing anything, take joy in nothing.  Even thinking about getting up in the morning fills me with anxiety.  I have no energy & just don't care about anything.  I take that back...I care about my kids, Jeff & my mom.  That's it.  Don't get me wrong, I AM grateful for everything that I DO have.  I just can't get out of this dark hole that I'm in right now.  There are bills that I can't pay....I have to double up on rent next month.  I can't pay the TV, the phones, storage..or any of the other bills I have.  Getting the car was a necessity...but it's making it almost impossible for us to survive financially.  They took $500 out at the beginning of the month as part of the down payment.  They are going to take another $500 out on June 3rd for the rest.  Yet the car dealership doesn't even have us financed yet.  Why did they even let us take it off the lot in the first place??  I don't get it.  I told them my credit was bad, etc.  They have tried numerous places to get me financed...I know this because I keep getting denial letters in the mail.  So far I have like 10 of them.  I'm supposed to have a $340 car payment due on June 14th.  But guess they can't do that if I'm not financed by then?  Do they then take the car back?  I don't get it.  All I know is that, for the forseeable future, we are screwed.  We make it thru May & June without any extra money, including for food...because I don't qualify for food stamps...with 3 boys who love to eat...then we have to make double or triple payments on everything in July, so that month is screwed as well.  Then school starts in August...so new clothes, school supplies, pictures, sports, etc.  When does this ever end??  I can't see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I look forward to nothing.  Just trying to get thru the days.  It sucks when you feel that you have to get "thru life."  I'm glad to be alive.  I just can't seem to find the enjoyment in it right now.  I know Jeff tries to understand.  He puts up with a lot of shit from me.  I need to get a grip.  I can't keep going on like this.  I do know that.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

SATURDAY

Do any of you ever have one of those days where you just can't think of a title for your post?  This is one of those days for me.  I have no clue, so just went with the basic.:)

They poured the cement for my step-dad's tombstone yesterday.  He has been gone for 10 months today.  I still miss him so much it hurts & I know that I will never get totally past that.  Mom & I went out by there not too long after they poured it, so I put initials in it...mine, my kids, my nieces & my sisters.  Yes I know it's weird...I had never done that before, so it's a new kind of weird for me.:)   The tombstone will cover it when it's put up, but that's OK.  It was just something that we wanted to do & WE will know that it's there.  He liked "Hershey's Kisses."  So my niece, Justine, had gotten a necklace with one & she took off the chain & put the "sparkly kiss" in the cement, towards the edge, so maybe even after they put the stone up, you will be able to see it & it will just be there forever.  That is what we are hoping anyway.


Matthew spent the night at a friend's house last night.  He doesn't do that very often & I always worry about him.  Wondering if he's OK, behaving, having a good time, etc.  Guess it's just a mom thing.  He was with Wyatt all day yesterday as well.  They are in this "group" for LEGO Robotics that meets every Friday for a few weeks.  So they walked to where Wyatt's mom works after that.  I told Matthew to call me when he got there, so I know he made it OK.  He doesn't have a cellphone, because he lost the first one he had. He has a hard time remembering things, so I feel that we should wait awhile now before getting him another one.  I don't hear from him.  I'm then later driving down by that way & I see him & Wyatt, so I stop & say "I told you to call me when you got to where is mom works" & he's like "you did?"  Yep that's my kid.LOL  He asks that if it's OK with Wyatt's mom if he can spend the night.  I told him to let me know what all was going on....3 hours later...he finally calls.  So I got the cellphone number & everything.  That kid worries me a lot.LOL


Jeff & I are just hanging out in the apartment by ourselves this weekend.  Phillip is with Dave, Dominic is at mom's (he's there every weekend...I think he just wants a break from is brothers), & Matthew will be with either Dave or mom after he gets back from Wyatt's house.  So we're just going to be hermits.  Get caught up on some shows on the DVR & we're also doing a whole "Supernatural" marathon on Netflix.:)  I love that show.  I used to watch it all the time, but have missed like the last 3-4 seasons.  So we're trying to get caught up.  We're still on the 1st season, but we'll get there eventually.  I'm just glad I found a guy that likes to have "TV show marathons.":)  I'm also trying to get caught up on "Chicago Fire" & "Blue Bloods" on-line.  Then have a few more episodes of "NCIS: Los Angeles" to watch before I'm totally caught up.  Not sure how I got so far behind on all of these.  There are a few other shows that Jeff & I watch together: "The Following" (now THAT'S a disturbing, dark show), "Ink Master" (totally love it!), "Crisis," "Believe," "Intelligence" (amazing), "Elementary" (LOVE IT).  I also watch "Biggest Loser" when it's on.  On every show, there are certain characters that I like, but I don't usually like ALL of the characters, but on NCIS: Los Angeles, I love ALL of them.  "Deeks" & "Kensi" are my faves though.:)