Dave has to split the income tax with me until our youngest, Matthew, is 18..he's 8 now. Anyway, we usually get the "rapid refund" from H&R Block. Guess they're not doing that anymore.:( So I was planning on getting the income tax back this week and now won't get it until between the 7th-10th.:(
Not a good thing, since I have checks out already..had to buy food last week for the boys and also pay my TV bill. So I'm already over in my checking account and, of course, they're going to charge me extra. Dave gets paid tomorrow and I don't have any money until the 3rd. So he's going to lend me some money to put in the bank tomorrow and then have to pay him back on the 3rd. Money is always an issue and I get sooo tired of it. I was hoping that I could use some of the income tax money to take a little vacation to Vegas again this summer, but it doesn't look like that's going to be possible this year.:( I need to save some of the money to take the kids to Nebraska in June to see their aunt..I have to rent a car and that's like $300. Plus everything else. I was going to see about getting a part-time job, but there's no point right now, because I won't be able to work in the summer. I won't have a babysitter. I know my kids are getting to the ages that they should be able to stay by themselves..but I can't risk that yet. They fight a lot and I don't want anything to happen to any of them while I'm at work. Dave will most likely be in Denver by this summer, my mom and step-dad don't feel well most of the time and their aunt works too and can't be expected to watch them after she gets off work. I'm annoyed and overwhelmed sometimes. I have to start making the house payment in April..Dave has been having to do it (court ordered), but he only has to do it thru March. So after bills, I will have to learn to live on $600 a month. That may sound like a lot, but with 3 kids..it's really not. I try not to complain about money too much, because it just depresses the hell out of me. I resent Dave for the money thing too. He will be in Denver, have that extra money, plus have HER money and will be living in the city where he can take her and HER kids places and do things, while HIS kids and I are here and pretty much broke. I won't be able to take them to amusement parks, restaurants, the mall, etc. I have some major pity parties for myself sometimes. I feel bad for my kids. They don't deserve this. They need their dad and he just doesn't want to deal with it. It seems like he doesn't care if they're upset, but God forbid if Gracie is. I can't even think about most of this stuff most of the time or I get so depressed, stressed and overwhelmed that I feel like I'm going to go insane. Just start crying and never stop. Gracie just pissed me off so much the other day..that I want to text her and tell her exactly what I think of her, but I won't for now. Dave is going up there this weekend...I know that I may have a meltdown. He IGNORES me when he's up there. Yes he's my ex. But he's still my friend and I HATE being ignored..by him or anyone else. It just shows me how it will be when he's up there for good. He says it won't be like that, but I know it will. I just hope I never "snap." It won't be pretty if I do. Anyway, back to the income tax..I need to pay off some bills, pay some people back..but for the fun stuff...I'm going to buy the boys some games (not many since they are so expensive), some shirts off of Ebay and also a few books for myself and THEN I'm going to get a tattoo!!!! Yes I'm finally going to do it!! I have been saying that since I turned 40 and I will be 43 this year. This will be the only time that I will have extra money to do it and I'm determined. Not sure what it will be yet, but have an idea...will be sure to post a pic of it when I get it.:) Now if I can handle the pain...but I AM a woman and should be able to.:) Then the rest of the money will be put away for Summer.
OK, as some of you know, I consider myself a sex addict. Sex with random people, etc. Well I'm happy to say that I haven't had sex with anyone since December 10th..believe me, I think that is a record!! I don't even feel the need. I'm worth more than that. I deserve more than that. I haven't gone a full month before, since all of this started, without hooking up with at least one guy. Like I said, I don't feel the NEED, but sometimes I get to that lonely place and feel that that would help, but I know from experience, that it wouldn't. I just want to find the one that I can be myself with, who accepts me for who I am, who makes me laugh and feel secure. I want to be in love with this person as much as he is in love with me. If I never find that..then I will have to learn to live with that.
OK now this is about a friend of mine. I won't name names. For that purpose, I will use the name "Stella." OK, where do I begin? She lives here in the same town as me. She has a husband and kids. Her husband works in a different state and is gone for 6 weeks at a time, then home for a week, then back to work again. Has been going on for a couple of years now. I think she is now considering moving to where he works, if he can find them a place. Anyway, she has been talking to this other guy on-line and on the phone for almost 2 years now. Her husband found out about it a few months after she started and he was pissed to say the least. They were thinking about a divorce for awhile. Well then he forgave her and thinks that she stopped talking to this guy..but she hasn't. I'm the only one who knows that. Well she hadn't told me the whole story at first. All she told me was that his name was Cole and that he was a cowboy from Texas. Even showed me a picture. OK...a month or so ago, she told me the whole story. That he was overseas, he was working over there and he didn't have enough money to get back to the States, then he was sick and he needed money and etc., etc. WELL this sent up red flags for me. The reason her hubby found out in the first place was because this guy sent her a check to cash and send him the money. Well, of course, the check bounced and they had to pay back like $2,000!!!!!!!! Since then she has sent him money here and there for various reasons. He never has any money, he's sick, he's this, he's that, etc. I figure over the past couple of years, she has sent him over $10,000!!!!!!!! She doesn't even have that kind of money to send!!! She's "in love" with this guy, but still loves her husband. Well I found a website for scams..and this is one of them. I didn't want to tell her that I was looking things up like that, but felt I needed to. So I told her about this scam where guys in places like Ghana do this kind of thing..I think she knows that in the back of her head what is going on, but she won't accept it. Says that he wouldn't still be talking to her after two years, calling her, telling her how much he loves her, etc. if it was a scam. Well if someone kept sending me money, I would keep talking to that person too. I feel so bad for her that, in the end, she is going to get hurt majorly. I just hope that she doesn't leave her husband for this guy. He's just a scammer. I don't know what else to do. I have told her, but that's all I can do. I can't make her stop talking to him or stop her from sending even more money to him. She tried to break it off a couple of months ago and then didn't hear from him for a few days. Then she gets an e-mail from his "friend" saying that he's in the hospital, because he tried to kill himself. So she felt horrible and guilty about that. Then after he got out of the hospital (which I'm pretty sure he was never in in the first place), he said that what he took (he won't tell her what it is), that it screwed up his kidneys. So now he has been back in the hospital, but the doctor won't really help him, unless he has $500 more (it keeps changing and going up). So then she's freaking out that he's just laying there dying and it's her fault and trying to figure out how to come up with some money to send him. She even asked me if I could find some money. I tried to tell her that most likely he is fine, but she doesn't really believe it. He calls her from the "doctors' phone." He sends her pics of him in the hospital (I have seen them) and he always has something in front of his face...food or whatever and, of course, he's white in the pics. She is so blinded by the fact that she feels that she loves him, that she can't see that who she thinks he is doesn't even exist. She's not stupid, but maybe naive and wants to believe. She is heavier too and never had male attention like her thinner sisters did, so she likes that he sends her poems, calls her, tells her how beautiful she is, etc. I'm just sad about the whole situation. Not much I can do. Just hoping her hubby doesn't find out..she will end up alone, since "Cole" doesn't exist.
.
Monday, January 30, 2012
FRUSTRATING....
I think that I will start weighing in on Thursdays. It seems like I weigh less then than I do on Mondays. I think it's because I probably eat a bit more on Saturdays..not sure. I weighed 309 last Thursday and now am back up to 313.:( It's ridiculous. So from now on, my weight will be in on Thursday mornings.:) I have been drinking more water, but the exercise thing still sucks. I went to the ER on the morning of the 21st, because my chest and upper back were really hurting. They said my heart looks OK..which is good. They also said that my potassium was a little low and my white cell count was a little high, but not too bad. So they gave me some potassium pills. They were surprised that I wasn't on them considering I'm on diuretics for high blood pressure. Had my other sleep study done last night. It's soooo annoying wearing a CPAP, but guess I'm going to have to start. The time before, I didn't go into REM sleep for 5-6 hours. He said I went into much faster last night with the CPAP on. I really need to work harder at losing this weight. I'm still taking Fastin. It DOES help me not to obsess about food, but I just need to get moving.
Saturday (28th), was my middle son, Dominics' 10th birthday. I can't believe that he's that old already. He had a party with his friends at the bowling alley. Then went to moms' for cake and ice cream and to open presents. He got an "internet tablet." He loves it!
Dave and I were having issues that day and I was NOT happy that it had to be on Dominics' birthday.:( See, the younger two had bowling league that morning. I didn't have enough gas in my jeep, so Dave took us to moms' after. Well Gracie (his gf) called during this time and I could hear her automatically start yelling. Dave was saying "I'll call you back in 5 mintues," and "that's not it at all." Well he dropped us off. I talked to him later and asked what that was all about (yes I am nosey). He didn't want to tell me at first, but then said that she was pissed off, because he hadn't texted her for a little bit and she felt that it was because I was around!!! WTF??! He ALWAYS texts her..constantly. So he doesn't for a little bit and she's flipping out. She's jealous and insecure. Doesn't trust him not to go back to me. Well TOO BAD. No, he won't come back to me, but if she wants to worry about it, that's cool with me. She's the one that screwed around with a married man. If he can leave a wife after 12 years and 3 kids, then what's to stop him from leaving her?? I was pissed!!! I thought that that was all behind us. I have had to accept a bunch of crap that I didn't want to accept. Dave and I still have a friendship and I feel that I can't give that up. She's going to have to accept it. I told Dave that she won't and he says "she'll have to." Yeah right. He thinks that it will all be better after he moves up there. Is he delusional???? If anything, it's going to be worse. She will have more control up there. I told him he won't be "allowed" to text me or call me. I will be surprised if he will even be allowed to talk to the boys. I told him that if she doesn't "get over it" and realize that I'm always going to be around and accept that Dave and I are friends and will stay that way and unless she's able to tell me all of this to my face, then our kids aren't allowed to go up there. I won't have my kids around a jealous, insecure, psycho bitch...hey, that sounds like ME sometimes!!LOL But seriously, if she's going to be like that, she doesn't need to be around my kids. Dave says that things will be fine and that she will accept things. I don't think so, but you can't convince him of that. I think he's just going to make a huge mistake by moving up there. He won't listen though. I was sooo mad and upset that day. I was crying (I do that when I get mad...very annoying). He was telling me to calm down, don't cry and that things will work out. Yeah whatever. This was not too long before the party. So I wasn't exactly thrilled with it all.
I hear that Heather is pregnant now and that her and Jason are getting married. Whatever.
I went over to Louies' once a week or so ago..he just made me feel a bit uncomfortable, so haven't talked to him much since then. He is kinda pissed off at me at the moment, since I won't quit saying that I just want to be friends. Oh well, he'll get over it. I didn't want to lead him on and make him believe that there was a chance for anything else.
Did I tell you that my sister, Bev, is engaged???!!!! I'm sooo happy for her!!!:)
Saturday (28th), was my middle son, Dominics' 10th birthday. I can't believe that he's that old already. He had a party with his friends at the bowling alley. Then went to moms' for cake and ice cream and to open presents. He got an "internet tablet." He loves it!
Dave and I were having issues that day and I was NOT happy that it had to be on Dominics' birthday.:( See, the younger two had bowling league that morning. I didn't have enough gas in my jeep, so Dave took us to moms' after. Well Gracie (his gf) called during this time and I could hear her automatically start yelling. Dave was saying "I'll call you back in 5 mintues," and "that's not it at all." Well he dropped us off. I talked to him later and asked what that was all about (yes I am nosey). He didn't want to tell me at first, but then said that she was pissed off, because he hadn't texted her for a little bit and she felt that it was because I was around!!! WTF??! He ALWAYS texts her..constantly. So he doesn't for a little bit and she's flipping out. She's jealous and insecure. Doesn't trust him not to go back to me. Well TOO BAD. No, he won't come back to me, but if she wants to worry about it, that's cool with me. She's the one that screwed around with a married man. If he can leave a wife after 12 years and 3 kids, then what's to stop him from leaving her?? I was pissed!!! I thought that that was all behind us. I have had to accept a bunch of crap that I didn't want to accept. Dave and I still have a friendship and I feel that I can't give that up. She's going to have to accept it. I told Dave that she won't and he says "she'll have to." Yeah right. He thinks that it will all be better after he moves up there. Is he delusional???? If anything, it's going to be worse. She will have more control up there. I told him he won't be "allowed" to text me or call me. I will be surprised if he will even be allowed to talk to the boys. I told him that if she doesn't "get over it" and realize that I'm always going to be around and accept that Dave and I are friends and will stay that way and unless she's able to tell me all of this to my face, then our kids aren't allowed to go up there. I won't have my kids around a jealous, insecure, psycho bitch...hey, that sounds like ME sometimes!!LOL But seriously, if she's going to be like that, she doesn't need to be around my kids. Dave says that things will be fine and that she will accept things. I don't think so, but you can't convince him of that. I think he's just going to make a huge mistake by moving up there. He won't listen though. I was sooo mad and upset that day. I was crying (I do that when I get mad...very annoying). He was telling me to calm down, don't cry and that things will work out. Yeah whatever. This was not too long before the party. So I wasn't exactly thrilled with it all.
I hear that Heather is pregnant now and that her and Jason are getting married. Whatever.
I went over to Louies' once a week or so ago..he just made me feel a bit uncomfortable, so haven't talked to him much since then. He is kinda pissed off at me at the moment, since I won't quit saying that I just want to be friends. Oh well, he'll get over it. I didn't want to lead him on and make him believe that there was a chance for anything else.
Did I tell you that my sister, Bev, is engaged???!!!! I'm sooo happy for her!!!:)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
VERY EARLY THURSDAY MORNING....
It's about 1:20am and here I am..on the computer. I have no idea why I have such a hard time sleeping at night, but I do. I will hopefully fall asleep in awhile...and not at the computer if I'm lucky!! That has happened once or twice before!!LOL
The wind has been blowing like crazy here...the shingles are coming off of my roof and part of trimming on the outside flew off yesterday. Gonna have to call the insurance guy later today (I assume he wouldn't like a phone call this late/early).;) I need to find out what my deductible is and go from there. I hope it's not too high. I can't remember what it was when Dave and I had first signed up for it.
I have a cold and am feeling kinda crappy.:( I really don't like being sick. Though I must say that it is probably some sort of record that I didn't get one until the middle of January!! Usually starting in August..I can never stay well for any length of time.
I started on 2 liters of oxygen the other night. The doctor who took a look at my sleep study didn't want me waiting until the 29th to get anything started. Oxygen levels are supposed to stay between 90%-100%. For a total of 2 hours or so (not all at one time) during my sleep study, it was 89% or below and at one point went all the way down to 70%! Not a good thing. Another reason that I need to get this weight off of me.
The wind has been blowing like crazy here...the shingles are coming off of my roof and part of trimming on the outside flew off yesterday. Gonna have to call the insurance guy later today (I assume he wouldn't like a phone call this late/early).;) I need to find out what my deductible is and go from there. I hope it's not too high. I can't remember what it was when Dave and I had first signed up for it.
I have a cold and am feeling kinda crappy.:( I really don't like being sick. Though I must say that it is probably some sort of record that I didn't get one until the middle of January!! Usually starting in August..I can never stay well for any length of time.
I started on 2 liters of oxygen the other night. The doctor who took a look at my sleep study didn't want me waiting until the 29th to get anything started. Oxygen levels are supposed to stay between 90%-100%. For a total of 2 hours or so (not all at one time) during my sleep study, it was 89% or below and at one point went all the way down to 70%! Not a good thing. Another reason that I need to get this weight off of me.
Monday, January 16, 2012
JANUARY 16
I gained 2 lbs this week.:( Guess it's better than gaining 5, but I get so over it. This week, I will exercise more and drink more water. I haven't been exercising like I should. I have exercised for 30 minutes a couple of days last week, but that's about it. So need to do more of that. I think that I'm going to get out and walk more as well. I used to right after Dave left, because it helped me to feel better. I'm thinking that it will do the same thing now. I just let things get to me. So by walking, I think that I will be able to let go of some of the stress. It gives me time to think as well.
Kelly hasn't said much, but did get a message from her last night saying that Jason hasn't talked to her at all. I think that's pretty crappy of him to just blow her off like that after 5 years together. He's still with Heather and I haven't talked to him either. I haven't been talking to Angela either..I don't want the drama. It's better to just avoid it if at all possible.
I have talked to Louie a few times. I'm supposed to go by there later today.
My Saints AND Broncos lost on Saturday.:( Out of the 4 teams left, I'm gonna have to pick the 49er's. The Ravens are OK too, but we'll see. I'm surprised that the Giants beat Green Bay.
I've been reading a book that Phillip got for Christmas..it's by Dean Koontz and is called "What The Night Knows." It's one creepy book, but I love it! I used to read Koontz books all the time, but haven't for a long time. I got into the paranormal romances and neglected others.
Kelly hasn't said much, but did get a message from her last night saying that Jason hasn't talked to her at all. I think that's pretty crappy of him to just blow her off like that after 5 years together. He's still with Heather and I haven't talked to him either. I haven't been talking to Angela either..I don't want the drama. It's better to just avoid it if at all possible.
I have talked to Louie a few times. I'm supposed to go by there later today.
My Saints AND Broncos lost on Saturday.:( Out of the 4 teams left, I'm gonna have to pick the 49er's. The Ravens are OK too, but we'll see. I'm surprised that the Giants beat Green Bay.
I've been reading a book that Phillip got for Christmas..it's by Dean Koontz and is called "What The Night Knows." It's one creepy book, but I love it! I used to read Koontz books all the time, but haven't for a long time. I got into the paranormal romances and neglected others.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
2011 IN REVIEW......
2011 year in review
What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? Went to my first professional baseball game and in Los Angeles no less!!!
Did you keep your new year's resolution, and will you make one for next year? No I didn't and I don't make them anymore
Did anyone close to you give birth? My friend in Arizona...Diana
Did anyone close to you die? My best friend from when I was a kid...her dad in July.;(
What countries did you visit? Unfortunately non
What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? Someone who loves me and who I can fall in love with
What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? There are no certain days that will be etched on my memory from 2011.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not going insane.;)
What was your biggest failure? Not losing a lot more weight.
Did you suffer illness or injury? Not really...knock on wood!!
What was the best thing you bought? Some cool books that I wanted.
Whose behavior merited celebration? My oldest son, Phillip for getting all A's and B's the first quarter of school!
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A guy named Steve who used to be my friend. But who believed that I started rumors about him..wouldn't believe me when I told him I didn't.:(
Where did most of your money go? Bills
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to Wisconsin for a Job Corps reunion in September!!
What song will always remind you of 2011? "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rhianna.
Compared to this time last year, are you? a) happier or sadder? About the same...:( b) thinner or fatter? Fatter by about 20 lbs. c) richer or poorer? Poorer or about the same, which is poor.LOL
What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercised
What do you wish you'd done less of? Being sad/depressed
How did you spend Christmas? With my family here in Salida.
Did you fall in love in 2011? I wish
What was your favorite TV program? Will always love the Biggest Loser, Supernatural and Bones!!:)
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hate is a strong word. Highly dislike..yes.
What was the best book you read? I've read a lot of good books in 2011 and can't pick just one.
What was your greatest musical discovery? Couldn't tell you.
What did you want and get? Dave staying in town for the boys for another year
What did you want and not get? A boyfriend I could count on
What was your favorite film of this year? I haven't seen a whole lot.:( I thought "Paranormal Activity 3" was pretty scary, but I guess a lot of people didn't like it.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 42. Just went down and had my birthday dinner (burritos) at my moms'.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Losing 100 lbs
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? So-so
What kept you sane? My friend Joannie.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Sandra Bullock
What political issue stirred you the most? No comment
Who did you miss? My friend ShaAnn in N. Dakota!!
Who was the best new person you met? Bruce and Cher
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. To seize the day and try to be happy. You're only here for a little while.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known, like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? Went to my first professional baseball game and in Los Angeles no less!!!
Did you keep your new year's resolution, and will you make one for next year? No I didn't and I don't make them anymore
Did anyone close to you give birth? My friend in Arizona...Diana
Did anyone close to you die? My best friend from when I was a kid...her dad in July.;(
What countries did you visit? Unfortunately non
What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? Someone who loves me and who I can fall in love with
What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? There are no certain days that will be etched on my memory from 2011.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? Not going insane.;)
What was your biggest failure? Not losing a lot more weight.
Did you suffer illness or injury? Not really...knock on wood!!
What was the best thing you bought? Some cool books that I wanted.
Whose behavior merited celebration? My oldest son, Phillip for getting all A's and B's the first quarter of school!
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A guy named Steve who used to be my friend. But who believed that I started rumors about him..wouldn't believe me when I told him I didn't.:(
Where did most of your money go? Bills
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to Wisconsin for a Job Corps reunion in September!!
What song will always remind you of 2011? "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rhianna.
Compared to this time last year, are you? a) happier or sadder? About the same...:( b) thinner or fatter? Fatter by about 20 lbs. c) richer or poorer? Poorer or about the same, which is poor.LOL
What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercised
What do you wish you'd done less of? Being sad/depressed
How did you spend Christmas? With my family here in Salida.
Did you fall in love in 2011? I wish
What was your favorite TV program? Will always love the Biggest Loser, Supernatural and Bones!!:)
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hate is a strong word. Highly dislike..yes.
What was the best book you read? I've read a lot of good books in 2011 and can't pick just one.
What was your greatest musical discovery? Couldn't tell you.
What did you want and get? Dave staying in town for the boys for another year
What did you want and not get? A boyfriend I could count on
What was your favorite film of this year? I haven't seen a whole lot.:( I thought "Paranormal Activity 3" was pretty scary, but I guess a lot of people didn't like it.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 42. Just went down and had my birthday dinner (burritos) at my moms'.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Losing 100 lbs
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? So-so
What kept you sane? My friend Joannie.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Sandra Bullock
What political issue stirred you the most? No comment
Who did you miss? My friend ShaAnn in N. Dakota!!
Who was the best new person you met? Bruce and Cher
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. To seize the day and try to be happy. You're only here for a little while.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known, like a drifter I was born to walk alone.
"NOTHING" LYRICS BY THE SCRIPT
I could change these to he/him and it would pretty much fit. But wouldn't rhyme!!LOL
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense
[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing
[Verse 2]
So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure
[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing
She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing
She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh I got nothing
I got nothing [x3]
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying trying not to drag my feet
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only they can’t see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense
[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing
[Verse 2]
So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if I faced her face, that she'll come to her senses
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door
If she sees how much I'm hurting, she'll take me back for sure
[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing
She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh, sometimes love's intoxicating
Ohh, you're coming down, your hands are shaking
When you realize there's no one waiting
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
[Chorus]
And my mates are all there trying to calm me down
'Cause I'm shouting your name all over the town
I'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
And I know that I'm drunk but I’ll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they’re slurred
Dialed her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard
Was nothing
She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
I got nothing
I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Ohh I got nothing
I got nothing [x3]
WEDNESDAY
I thought that maybe this year there wouldn't be as much drama..but the year started off with drama and it looks like it may continue for awhile. If I make it thru this year without losing my mind, I will be amazed. I haven't talked to Jason at all. I was wrong about him not giving Kelly up. He hasn't talked to her either and she's messaging me on Facebook wanting to know what's going on with Jason and how much she misses him. I refuse to be in the middle. As far as I know, he's now living with Heather and she's pretty controlling. But if that's his thing, then it is. I miss his friendship more than I thought I would. It's been hard not talking to him. I got a new phone number on Saturday and am only giving it to a few people. My phone was on my step-dads' plan, but he wasn't able to do it anymore, so I went and got my own plan..just another bill. I finished paying my jeep off on the 3rd...so am happy about that.:)
Dave and I have been getting along to an extent. I had talked to him when he was on his way back from Denver. Told him that he either ignores me both places or is a friend in both places. He said he doesn't want us to ignore each other. But we don't talk much. Talked to him tonight and he's going to go ahead with the transfer. Will put in for it in March or April. I really didn't think he would do it. Didn't think that he would leave his kids. But it's on him now. He'll just have to realize that he won't get to see them much. I'm so depressed about him going...I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I just need to stop talking to him altogether. I have to get past this somehow. I'm just soooo tired. It's like my soul is tired. I don't look forward to being alone for the rest of my life. I'm not one of those people who like to be alone..but I'm one of the ones who will end up that way. It makes me sick to think about. I'm just sooo tired of all the stress and pain.
I have been kind of avoiding Louie just because he says he only wants friendship and then says things that say otherwise. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I did go over yesterday for awhile. I don't want to lose his friendship, but may in the end.
My Saints won and so did the Broncos!! Woo hoo!!:) The Broncos game was intense. So will be watching both games on Saturday. Hoping for both to win again.
I guess I have to wear oxygen at night soon. I go in for another sleep thing on the 29th..not for a sleep study, but to see how much oxygen works for me. It sucks that I have to wear oxygen, but guess it's OK if it's going to help me sleep better and to wake up feeling like I have slept.
I only lost a pound this past week. Kind of disappointed with that, but guess that's better than nothing and better than a gain.
I feel so sad and overwhelmed at the moment that I don't know what to do with myself. Don't want to deal with anything. Don't want to think about anything, feel anything. Don't want to talk to anyone. Don't want friends who can walk away from me so easily.
Dave and I have been getting along to an extent. I had talked to him when he was on his way back from Denver. Told him that he either ignores me both places or is a friend in both places. He said he doesn't want us to ignore each other. But we don't talk much. Talked to him tonight and he's going to go ahead with the transfer. Will put in for it in March or April. I really didn't think he would do it. Didn't think that he would leave his kids. But it's on him now. He'll just have to realize that he won't get to see them much. I'm so depressed about him going...I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. I just need to stop talking to him altogether. I have to get past this somehow. I'm just soooo tired. It's like my soul is tired. I don't look forward to being alone for the rest of my life. I'm not one of those people who like to be alone..but I'm one of the ones who will end up that way. It makes me sick to think about. I'm just sooo tired of all the stress and pain.
I have been kind of avoiding Louie just because he says he only wants friendship and then says things that say otherwise. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I did go over yesterday for awhile. I don't want to lose his friendship, but may in the end.
My Saints won and so did the Broncos!! Woo hoo!!:) The Broncos game was intense. So will be watching both games on Saturday. Hoping for both to win again.
I guess I have to wear oxygen at night soon. I go in for another sleep thing on the 29th..not for a sleep study, but to see how much oxygen works for me. It sucks that I have to wear oxygen, but guess it's OK if it's going to help me sleep better and to wake up feeling like I have slept.
I only lost a pound this past week. Kind of disappointed with that, but guess that's better than nothing and better than a gain.
I feel so sad and overwhelmed at the moment that I don't know what to do with myself. Don't want to deal with anything. Don't want to think about anything, feel anything. Don't want to talk to anyone. Don't want friends who can walk away from me so easily.
Monday, January 2, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!:) (and my drama)
I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year's Eve!!:) I did end up going out (my ex-sister-in-law offered to watch the boys). I went to a local bar with Louie and his niece Bobbi and her hubby. Well I met them down there. It wasn't too bad at first...drama later. But will get to that. Last summer, I talked some about a guy named Bobby T. Well he was there and he was trashed already and it was only like 9:30pm. He kept asking me why I didn't like him anymore, if I wanted to go home with him, etc. I'm like chill out. They later "ushered" him outside...after he passed out on the floor on the other side of the bar. He has an ankle moniter on that tells if he's been drinking or not..he's an alcoholic..but he put plastic around it. He has a decent job now and everything, so I hope that he doesn't end up screwing that up. I felt a bit bad, because Louie was probably like "what the hell??" But he knows Bobby too..so it was all good. Louie still wants more than I can give him. I told him that a friend thing is good for now. I didn't stay at the bar until midnight and felt bad about the way I left. So here's for the drama...it's probably a bit confusing..but here goes.
OK...Jason E. and I have hung out off and on since last September. I had talked about him being "the one" and all, then changed my mind. BUT I did like him as a really good friend. We had hooked up a couple of times, but I decided that that wasn't all that I wanted, so backed off some. We see each other most weeks at Bingo..when he goes. He's funny and we got along well. He would text me..even as recent as Christmas Eve..saying he wanted to hook up and I kept putting him off. He has a girlfriend who had to go back East last August because her son had died. Well they are still "together" but she "let's" him see other people..they talk all the time. Her name is Kelly. Now..Daves' niece, Angela (I still consider her my niece too) hangs out with Jason. She's a lesbian, so there's nothing going on there. We have all hung out before. Angela and I have a love/hate relationship. We either get along or we hate each other..nothing in between..it's been this way since Dave and I got married when she was about 13 or 14. OK, so she tells me that if I want to come by later, they are all hanging out (she lives with her parents) and that Jason and his girlfriend, Heather, will be there. I'm like "what?" She said they have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. That she had asked him about me and he said that we were just friends, he didn't like me that way, that I was always texting him and "flirting" with him at Bingo. I was soooo pissed!!! It's the other way around and I don't like people lying about things like that. I showed Angela the texts and since she is Heathers' friend as well, she told her about them. Well Heather (who I have never met), said that I was just trying to cause problems and that the texts didn't matter because they were from Christmas Eve and before and that they didn't really get together until Christmas Day! I'm like "wow...she's being delusional." She's very into him. There is no way he will give up Kelly. So whatever. I was upset too that he was saying that he didn't like me that way, etc. etc. So I texted him and I wasn't being nice. Then he wasn't being nice. Pretty soon..he's telling me to just let it go so we can still be friends. Well THAT'S not going to happen. My oldest, Phillip, was supposed to be at his other aunts house, but had decided to go down to Angelas.' Well then I was pissed because I figured they were saying shit about me around him. So around 11:15pm, Tina (Angelas' mom) calls me and ask what the hell is going on, why am I starting drama, etc. We talked, yelled, cried, etc for awhile (I had gone outside to talk). She says that she wouldn't allow anyone to talk about me like that, especially in front of my kids, that she loves my kids, etc. This is Daves' sister. She says that she's pissed at him because Phillip had been texting and calling Dave and he wouldn't respond, so Tina left him a not nice message. She said she felt bad for the boys, etc. OK, getting back on topic..I couldn't go back in the bar, because I had been crying. So I texted Bobbi and told her that I had to leave and that to tell Louie I was sorry. I was just going to go home, but went to moms' instead (she didn't know I was upset). I got to see the ball drop in Times Square..so that's cool. Then played cards with my mom and step-dad and felt a bit better. I deleted Jason from my phone and though I will miss his so called "friendship," I will get over it. He texted me yesterday saying that I was a good person and not to be so down on myself. I didn't answer him. He has made his choices.
OK!! Now for the whole Dave thing. He went to Denver this weekend. He texts me on Friday and then a little bit on Saturday. I don't even know where to start with this. He said he would call the boys on Saturday, well as far as I knew he didn't. So yesterday I told him that if he can't follow thru with that now..how is it going to be when he moves. He said that he DID call Phillips' phone and that when he asked to talk to the other two, Phillip said no. I told him that he should have called or texted me then and I would have made sure he got to talk to them. I told Phillip that that wasn't OK. That it was up to his brothers if they wanted to talk to him and that it wasn't his choice. Just because he is mad at his dad, doesn't mean the other two are. I guess he called and talked to them yesterday. This is what I have problems with and what I have to get away from..somehow. When Dave is in town..he texts me, calls me and we pretty much get along. When he is up there, I don't get anything, which I know is to be expected. He is with his girlfriend. But I feel like this: he can't treat me one way when he's here and then a completely different way when he's not here. I don't even know why this is still and issue for me.:( So...he gets back today. Do I ignore him and is texts?? I don't know. I feel like I'm in high school. I know we have to deal with each other because of the kids. It's NOT easy. He doesn't make it easy. Then I'm pissed off at him because of all the stress Phillip is going thru. I have to deal with his panic attacks every night. He always has a stomachache or headache..the stress is just getting to him. He misses Dave and I don't know what to do about it. So I resent Dave for not dealing with this. He doesn't like dealing with "unpleasant" things. When I try to talk to him about it, he is either like "he'll be fine," or he feels that I'm nagging. He has vacation this week and wants the boys when he gets back..says that he will get them off to school and everything. Dominic doesn't want to stay there during the week. He doesn't deal with change very well and he wants to ride the bus to school..not have someone take him. So I'm sure Dave will be upset about that. I don't have a problem with the boys staying with him this week, but it's going to be up to them. We have to see the mediator again soon and I'm not agreeing to much of anything. Dave hasn't done what he was supposed to do (get his life insurance reinstated) and he's had almost a year to do it. There's a few other things as well. Plus the whole visitation thing after he moves. I can tell you this...Dominic and Matthew won't stay a whole week that far away from me. I can't drive 3 hrs to get them every time they want to come home. I just wish this was easier somehow. I know it's insane, but I wish that Daves' gf lived closer. Then it wouldn't be a big deal. I could deal with that. At least he would be there for the kids on more of a regular basis than he will when he's in Denver. I need to figure out how to deal with all of this. My mom and step-dad are like "don't agree to anything." They are just trying to be helpful, but I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I want what's best for the kids. I wish Dave wanted that too..but it seems to me that he wants what is best for HIM. Then the kids come second and that's not how it should be. Any advice would be appreciated.
I weighed in today...I went a whole week without weighing..woo hoo!!LOL I have lost 2 lbs..was hoping for 3, but will take the 2.:) So I weigh 314. I started taking "Fastin" again on Saturday and feel much better on it. I've been exercising for at least 30 minutes the past couple of days. I want to lose at least 3 lbs a week..that way I will be down quite a bit by Summer. So this week..I'm hoping to lose 4 lbs to get back on track.
Thank you all for listening to me..I know this was a long post.
OK...Jason E. and I have hung out off and on since last September. I had talked about him being "the one" and all, then changed my mind. BUT I did like him as a really good friend. We had hooked up a couple of times, but I decided that that wasn't all that I wanted, so backed off some. We see each other most weeks at Bingo..when he goes. He's funny and we got along well. He would text me..even as recent as Christmas Eve..saying he wanted to hook up and I kept putting him off. He has a girlfriend who had to go back East last August because her son had died. Well they are still "together" but she "let's" him see other people..they talk all the time. Her name is Kelly. Now..Daves' niece, Angela (I still consider her my niece too) hangs out with Jason. She's a lesbian, so there's nothing going on there. We have all hung out before. Angela and I have a love/hate relationship. We either get along or we hate each other..nothing in between..it's been this way since Dave and I got married when she was about 13 or 14. OK, so she tells me that if I want to come by later, they are all hanging out (she lives with her parents) and that Jason and his girlfriend, Heather, will be there. I'm like "what?" She said they have been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. That she had asked him about me and he said that we were just friends, he didn't like me that way, that I was always texting him and "flirting" with him at Bingo. I was soooo pissed!!! It's the other way around and I don't like people lying about things like that. I showed Angela the texts and since she is Heathers' friend as well, she told her about them. Well Heather (who I have never met), said that I was just trying to cause problems and that the texts didn't matter because they were from Christmas Eve and before and that they didn't really get together until Christmas Day! I'm like "wow...she's being delusional." She's very into him. There is no way he will give up Kelly. So whatever. I was upset too that he was saying that he didn't like me that way, etc. etc. So I texted him and I wasn't being nice. Then he wasn't being nice. Pretty soon..he's telling me to just let it go so we can still be friends. Well THAT'S not going to happen. My oldest, Phillip, was supposed to be at his other aunts house, but had decided to go down to Angelas.' Well then I was pissed because I figured they were saying shit about me around him. So around 11:15pm, Tina (Angelas' mom) calls me and ask what the hell is going on, why am I starting drama, etc. We talked, yelled, cried, etc for awhile (I had gone outside to talk). She says that she wouldn't allow anyone to talk about me like that, especially in front of my kids, that she loves my kids, etc. This is Daves' sister. She says that she's pissed at him because Phillip had been texting and calling Dave and he wouldn't respond, so Tina left him a not nice message. She said she felt bad for the boys, etc. OK, getting back on topic..I couldn't go back in the bar, because I had been crying. So I texted Bobbi and told her that I had to leave and that to tell Louie I was sorry. I was just going to go home, but went to moms' instead (she didn't know I was upset). I got to see the ball drop in Times Square..so that's cool. Then played cards with my mom and step-dad and felt a bit better. I deleted Jason from my phone and though I will miss his so called "friendship," I will get over it. He texted me yesterday saying that I was a good person and not to be so down on myself. I didn't answer him. He has made his choices.
OK!! Now for the whole Dave thing. He went to Denver this weekend. He texts me on Friday and then a little bit on Saturday. I don't even know where to start with this. He said he would call the boys on Saturday, well as far as I knew he didn't. So yesterday I told him that if he can't follow thru with that now..how is it going to be when he moves. He said that he DID call Phillips' phone and that when he asked to talk to the other two, Phillip said no. I told him that he should have called or texted me then and I would have made sure he got to talk to them. I told Phillip that that wasn't OK. That it was up to his brothers if they wanted to talk to him and that it wasn't his choice. Just because he is mad at his dad, doesn't mean the other two are. I guess he called and talked to them yesterday. This is what I have problems with and what I have to get away from..somehow. When Dave is in town..he texts me, calls me and we pretty much get along. When he is up there, I don't get anything, which I know is to be expected. He is with his girlfriend. But I feel like this: he can't treat me one way when he's here and then a completely different way when he's not here. I don't even know why this is still and issue for me.:( So...he gets back today. Do I ignore him and is texts?? I don't know. I feel like I'm in high school. I know we have to deal with each other because of the kids. It's NOT easy. He doesn't make it easy. Then I'm pissed off at him because of all the stress Phillip is going thru. I have to deal with his panic attacks every night. He always has a stomachache or headache..the stress is just getting to him. He misses Dave and I don't know what to do about it. So I resent Dave for not dealing with this. He doesn't like dealing with "unpleasant" things. When I try to talk to him about it, he is either like "he'll be fine," or he feels that I'm nagging. He has vacation this week and wants the boys when he gets back..says that he will get them off to school and everything. Dominic doesn't want to stay there during the week. He doesn't deal with change very well and he wants to ride the bus to school..not have someone take him. So I'm sure Dave will be upset about that. I don't have a problem with the boys staying with him this week, but it's going to be up to them. We have to see the mediator again soon and I'm not agreeing to much of anything. Dave hasn't done what he was supposed to do (get his life insurance reinstated) and he's had almost a year to do it. There's a few other things as well. Plus the whole visitation thing after he moves. I can tell you this...Dominic and Matthew won't stay a whole week that far away from me. I can't drive 3 hrs to get them every time they want to come home. I just wish this was easier somehow. I know it's insane, but I wish that Daves' gf lived closer. Then it wouldn't be a big deal. I could deal with that. At least he would be there for the kids on more of a regular basis than he will when he's in Denver. I need to figure out how to deal with all of this. My mom and step-dad are like "don't agree to anything." They are just trying to be helpful, but I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I want what's best for the kids. I wish Dave wanted that too..but it seems to me that he wants what is best for HIM. Then the kids come second and that's not how it should be. Any advice would be appreciated.
I weighed in today...I went a whole week without weighing..woo hoo!!LOL I have lost 2 lbs..was hoping for 3, but will take the 2.:) So I weigh 314. I started taking "Fastin" again on Saturday and feel much better on it. I've been exercising for at least 30 minutes the past couple of days. I want to lose at least 3 lbs a week..that way I will be down quite a bit by Summer. So this week..I'm hoping to lose 4 lbs to get back on track.
Thank you all for listening to me..I know this was a long post.
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