WHATEVER......

Well he never called and has answered none of my texts.  I HATE being ignored more than anything.  If he doesn't want anything to do with me, then at least have the balls to tell me that, right??  Is that too much  to ask for??  I guess so.    I don't know what I do wrong, but obviously it's something.  Thought maybe he was different...I'm sooo delusional.  Yeah he could call me tomorrow or whatever...but right now, I'm pissed and upset.  I don't deserve to be treated like this.  I was supposed to go to Colorado Springs this Saturday to go on a date with a guy named David.  I was going to cancel it because of Vic.  Guess I don't need to do that.  I don't know if I really want to go though.  What's the point?  It's just ridiculous.

Decided not to do this weeks questions...it's about cooking and I hate cooking.LOL  So I will wait til next week and maybe there will be questions that I can relate to.:)

FMM (FRIEND MAKING MONDAYS)

You've probably heard of 'Friend Makin’ Mondays'. One of my followers' (and friend) friends, Kenlie, at All The Weigh does this every Monday. It's great fun and a good chance for you to meet fellow bloggers. If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. 

I'm new to doing this and I'm late for this past weeks..but here are my answers.:)

1. Share one thing that has changed about you since you began blogging.   I have become a bit more secure in who I am.

2. If you were forced to give up chocolate or potato chips for an entire year which one would you choose to live without?   I would choose to live without chocolate.  It's not that big of a deal for me.  Potato chips, on the other hand, are a different story...I LOVE salty & greasy food!!

3. What’s more attractive? A man in a suit, or a man in uniform?  This is an easy one...a man in uniform.  A man in the military if very hot & sexy to me for some reason.

4. If you could be a guest star on a reality show which one would it be?    I guess "The Biggest Loser" wouldn't count on this one...though I would love to be on that show.  So I will have to pick "The Bachelor Pad."  Has anyone ever seen that?  Some of those 'challenges' they have...like kissing all the guys to see who is the best kisser...would be sooooo cool!!:)  OK, so I love kissing.  But to be on one of those shows, you have to be one of the beautiful people...so not sure how that would happen.

5. What is the last meal that you prepared for yourself?   I had some pizza rolls...does that count?  I know they're not healthy and I really don't have to fix them, but that's what I had.

6. Is your hair coloured, or is it natural?   It's colored.  I constantly dye it blonde...but my natural hair color is light brown.  Hasn't been that way since I was around 20 or a little before though.

7. If you could leave town today and go anywhere, where would you go?   That's a hard question...there are so many places that I would like to go.  Las Vegas is one of them.  Love that place.  But if I could go ANYWHERE...I would love to see Egypt or Ireland.  I'm thinking Ireland first.  Would love to see some real castles and I know that it's really green there.  Plus I love how the people talk.

8. Do you prefer to exercise at the gym, at home or outside?  I would like to go to the gym...but for one, I don't have the money right now and for another...I would feel too self-concious around all the built and beautiful people there.  So I usually go for walks..or try to and I also have some exercise DVDs at home that I use.  So the home and outside are my answers.

9. Have you ever asked someone out on a date?   Yes I have asked someone out once or twice..but I don't like doing that.  I think it should be up to the guy to ask.

10. How many cups of coffee do you drink on an average day?   Maybe one or two.  Can't drink too many or it bothers my stomach.  I have to have cream & sugar as well.:)

11. Do you pack lightly, or do you over pack?    I try to pack lightly...so I don't have to pay extra at the airport to put more bags on.

12. What colour are your nails now?   I don't have any fingernail polish on..so they are plain.

13. If you could have lunch with one notable (living) person who inspires you who would it be?  There aren't too many people who inspire me.  I guess I would say Sandra Bullock..she holds up well under pressure and takes the high road.  She didn't trash Jesse James when he cheated on her and she could have done some major man bashing.  I give her credit that she didn't.

14. Who is your favourite professional athlete?  I usually only watch professional football.  So I'm going to go with Tim Tebow...am soooo pissed that the Denver Broncos got rid of him!!  Now he plays for NY Jets, so will definitley be watching them and I hope Denver ends up regretting losing him.  I also like Reggie Bush.  He's just beyond hot to me.:)

15. Gum or mints?  I would have to go with gum

16. Have you ever eaten crawfish?  No I haven't..don't think I have ever even seen one!!LOL

17. List one or more human characteristics that are a complete turn-off   Being totally stuck up and thinking that you're better than everyone else, talking only about yourself, thinking that you know everything.

18. What is your favourite season?   There is something good about each one of them...but my all-time fave season is Autumn...LOVE when the leaves are changing colors and it's cooling down after a hot summer.  But I also love Summer evenings...can lay out under the stars...which is totally awesome in my book.  I like Winter because I love the Holiday Season and I like Spring...because it's the start of something new.

19. Do you prefer to shake hands or hug?  I love hugs...but if you don't really know the person, that might be a little weird.LOL  Though I did have the gay hairdresser who cut my sons' hair recently give me a hug before I left and that was the first time I had ever met him and it wasn't so bad.  So gonna have to go with the hug..I'm a "touchy feely" person anyway.

20. Can you quote lines from Saved by the Bell from memory? If so, what’s your favourite?  I never really liked that show and so no, I can't.

NO PATIENCE

Vic & I ended up going for a nice walk yesterday and had a really nice time last night. Then I went back over this morning and we went to breakfast. He then had to go help someone move. He called me once this afternoon and said he would call back in a couple of hours. He didn't and didn't call the rest of the day.:( I hate being ignored...hate the waiting. This is ridiculous. I was never good at this kind of thing. If he's that interested, wouldn't he call when he says he will? Anyway, he's hot and sweet and I really like him. So hopefully I can just chill out and go from there. I'm hoping that I can spend more time with him and get to know him better. If not..then will just move on. Getting used to just letting things go. Yeah I know..sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself again, but I'm not. It's just the way it is and maybe it's a defense mechanism. Just don't expect much and then it won't hurt so bad.

Don't know what J and her husband are doing now. They get along, then they don't, then do, etc. I think it's just a major rollercoaster. I hope that they can work things out.

AVERYS' BLOG

I just read about a little 5 month old girl named Avery on yahoo. She has SMA (Spinal Muscular Atrophy). She has only 18 months to live and there is no cure. Her dad as started a blog for her...and speaks as if he's her. It's a "bucket list" of things she wants to do before she dies. She won't get to do all of them, but I think it's an awesome idea. Her blog is on my blog list. If you would like to "follow" her.

I didn't go for coffee yesterday with Vic after all. He didn't even call until last night and I missed his call. I called him this morning to see what was up and he said that he started helping someone move and they didn't get done til later.  I hate being ignored. One of my pet peeves. I don't chase...not anymore. So if he's interested, he can contact me.

 My friend that I have talked about a bit here (will call her J)....her and her husband have decided to get a divorce. I knew it was probably coming and they did too...they have just grown apart. I don't know all the details yet. He was home this week...but leaves again tomorrow. I feel bad for her. I wouldn't want to go thru any of that pain again and it sucks that she has to.

I'm feeling "blah" today. It's cold and cloudy out, I'm tired, the house is a mess. I still have to exercise, take a shower, etc. Just one of those days where you just want to snuggle under the covers and sleep. Believe me, it's tempting, but need to get some things done.

Went to Bingo last night and spent too much money as usual. I need to stop. I love Bingo and have been going for years, but just can't afford to go as much as I have been. Since I live in a small town, it's only a few times a week..but still. I have stopped on the scratch tickets though and feel good about that. My cousin and his wife went to a casino last week and won over $15,000! I can't say that I'm not envious, even though you're not supposed to feel envy. It would just be nice to be able to have some breathing room without having to freak out over every little thing.

  I was supposed to go to Canon City (60 miles from here) and meet a guy named Tom last Wednesday, but I cancelled. I just don't feel the need to go out and have sex with random people like I used to. Which is obviously a good thing. I'm not sure exactly it is I'm looking for, but I know it's not that. I want some sort of connection. I may never find that, but that's what I'm looking for.

DOING GOOD....

I have exercised for about an hour each day since April 21st. I did skip two days because I was SICK.:( Yuck. Dominic (middle son), got sick first with a bad headache and being nauseous. I got sick in the middle of the night out of nowhere. I won't go into details, but it wasn't fun. Guess it was the stomach flu or something. Just glad it's over with for sure! My weight has stayed around the same place since December, give or take a few pounds. Its frustrating. I have decided to go back to weighing daily..it's just better for me. But will only post my weight once a week on here. I was down to 307 on Tuesday, but yesterday (in TWO days) was back up to 311! I don't know how that's possible exactly, but I manage to do that a lot. Water weight? I just want to be out of the 300's again. That's the main goal at this moment.

Thank you for your comments!:) You guys are awesome. I feel accepted and that's an awesome thing. I know that there will always be haters, but not much I can do about that. I don't even mind the haters making comments...but TRY not to make them so mean. I know that sounds weird.LOL I have never been able to take criticism well..but would take it better if it was done nicer if that makes sense. I know that I'm not perfect. Nobody is. We just all go thru this life and do the best we can.

My house is a friggin' disaster, so that's the next order of business. I want to have a yardsale the weekend of May 12th. What doesn't sell there will go to charity. I just don't need all this clutter in my life. It brings me down and depresses me. Now if I can just get the motivation to do it. Maybe I should watch a few episodes of "Clean House" or "Hoarders!"LOL That should give me PLENTY of motivation.

It rained here yesterday. Love the rain. It's going to be a dry Summer, I think. We didn't get much snow around here this Winter and neither did the mountains.

I'm going to go have coffee with a friend named Vic here in a little while. He's a "new" friend. Will see how it goes. He's 44 and SEEMS like a nice guy...but looks can be deceiving..plus my judge of character isn't always the best. At least he lives here in town and I don't have to drive 2 hrs to hang out with him..that's always a plus. I have a date with a guy named David in Colorado Springs next weekend...but will see if I decide to go or not. Gas is expensive and I have to have some money to take the boys to their bowling tournament in Denver the weekend of May 18th. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!:) XOXOXOXO

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T READ IT.:)

Well things are going pretty good actually. I don't really know how long I will feel "good," but I will take advantage of it. At this point in time, I have decided to quit having the "victim mentality." I'm in charge of my own life and can't control what anyone else does or says. Will I still have bad days and bitch and complain..yes. So if people can't deal with that, then I guess that's their issue. I have started exercising again..and I feel better. I need to keep up with it and not make excuses. It's crunch time now...I always wait til the last minute to do things. I know I can't lose a ton of weight before Denver next month or before my reunion in June, but I CAN lose some and feel better and hopefully look better as well.

COMMENTS

I received a comment from an anonymous reader (of course)...you can read it on my last post and my response to it. I understand that I open myself up to criticism by making this blog public. So that's fine. I don't think it's fine though that people feel the need to judge me. I try not to judge other people. That's not my job in life. Yes I have problems just like everyone else, I bitch and complain..but that is my right. There is freedom of speech. If you don't like what I have to say, then don't read my blog. Have I had a hard time of letting go of my ex and moving on? Yes I have. Do I depend on him a little too much still, yes I do. He was court ordered to pay the house payment. I'm paying it now. Is it fair that I have his 3 kids and I'm paying the house payment and all the other bills, that he has a new car, is moving and has a "sugarmomma?" No it's not fair. Does it piss me the hell off sometimes? Yes it does. He DOES still have to help out with HIS kids whether or not he's "done with me" as the reader put so nicely. If I haven't said it before, I'm on disability. I don't feel the need to elaborate on that. Is it because I'm FAT as some of you may be thinking...no it's not. I will leave it at that. Yes I can work part-time while I'm disability and am planning on looking for a job. This is a small town and there isn't much, but I'm not using that as an excuse. I will do what I have to do to make sure that my kids are provided for. I was also told that I should have saved money instead of gambling. Yes I agree with that. You don't know my life...gambling is an escape for me. But I have stopped that and go to Bingo once a week if that. Am I willing to stop going? No. It's one of the only things that I look forward to. Should I have saved money over there years? Yes. But there has never really been any money to save. Regardless, it's kinda of a dead issue at the moment. So do I need to stop blogging? Start keeping my feelings and emotions to myself (like I do in "real life" anyway?) Maybe I should. But, then again, this is where I vent and I have made a few friends on here. I'm not going to stop just because some people think I'm stupid, lazy, too dependent or whatever. Do I have a "victim mentality" like I have recently read about? Most likely. I have felt sorry for myself more times in my life than I can remember. I'm a "negative" person my nature. It's a daily struggle to look at the more positive things in my life. I worry constantly about everything. It's just who I am. I'm working on being a better person, to take charge of my life, to not "depend" on anyone. After reading the comment...I feel hurt and pissed off. Trying not to let it ruin my day. I could never take criticism well or have people not like me. I have realized a long time ago that you can't make people like you. They either do or they don't. Anyway, if you're tired of listening to me bitch and complain about things when something is bothering me, then feel free to stop "following" me.

SUNDAY....

It's been awhile since I last wrote! Time flies right?LOL Joannie and I have been hanging out some..but not as much as we were. Not sure why that is. I went to Canon City and hung out with my other friend, Tracy on the 11th and went on to Pueblo and watched "The Titanic" in 3D. Love that movie! I have books on it and was obsessed with it before the movie ever came out. I would hope that if I was actually there that night, that I would have been one to be a bit braver..but who knows. I'm afraid of death AND drowning. I would most likely be a 2nd or 3rd class passenger..definitely NOT the in 1st class. I have 3 sons..so if they were't allowed on the lifeboats because they were boys, then I wouldn't have went either. No way would I leave my kids. I loved Kathy Bates as Molly Brown..she reminds me of me in a way..I would have been loud and outspoken too..saying what I felt needed to be said. I would like to think that I would have insisted that we go back and try to save more people. I would like to think that I would have been one of the heroic ones instead of one of the cowards. But nobody knows how they will react to any situation. Tim...I think it's soooo cool about the museum and all. I would LOVE to see it someday!! I went to Las Vegas in July 2010 and was able to see the Titanic Exhibit there. I loved it.


Not much has really been going on really. When I was in Canon City, I stopped at the bookstore. I LOVE BOOKS!LOL Anyway, I saw one of those books for dummies.."Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies." I kinda glanced thru it..because, even though I know that I have had depression for awhile now, I also know that there is more going on. It's just been pretty horrible. Some of the information in there was SOOOO me. I wasn't able to buy it, but I DID go on-line and look up some information on it. It explains a lot of things. So I was thinking that maybe talking to an shrink might help. I don't think there is really any medication for it, but maybe just talking would help. We shall see. All I know is that the anger that I feel a lot of the time is NOT "normal." The things I have done and continue to try to "fight"...the crazy impulses to have sex with whomever, the gambling, the suicidal tendencies, etc. are part of that. I won't go into all of the details here and bore you to tears.


On the more crappy part...I seriously thought that, even though I would have to start making the house payment this month, that we would still be OK. We won't. There is absolutely NO WAY. I have found out very quickly that I can't pay the house payment, all the other bills AND have money for everything else. I don't know how I will be able to stay here in this town, let alone the state. I told Dave this and he said he was "sorry," that he just didn't think about "stuff like that." He is the type of person who feels if he doesn't think about something, then it doesn't exist or it isn't happening. He said he will help out as much as he can. Well, he had all that extra money this month (since he didn't have to pay the house payment) and it's already gone! He doesn't even know what he spent it on. He feels "bad" and says he will get the money situation under control. I just don't see how that is gonig to help me now..or anytime in the near future. It's frustrating and depressing. I'm freaking out a bit. The kids and I may have to move to a different state where it's cheaper to live..and the reason it's cheaper to live is because of the tornadoes and all...Kansas, Nebraska, Missouri. I know that things work out the way they're supposed to, but I don't see a solution to this.

1 PICTURE

It didn't say it had to be of me...

Carrie Underwood! I love this dress and she looks beautiful!! Wish I could look like this!!

2 SONGS

There is no way that I can just pick two fave songs!! I LOVE so many of them!! But I will put two that I really like right now.

2. Should've When You Could've by Skillet

1. So Good by B.O.B

3 FILMS

3. Dirty Dancing...LOVE Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey in this movie!!

2. Anything with Sandra Bullock in it!! My girl crush!!LOL

1. Tombstone...I could watch this movie a zillion times and never get tired of it

4 BOOKS

4. The Witching Hour by Anne Rice

3. Any book by Christine Feehan!!

2. Cemetery books (where they tell who is buried there and some about their lives)

1. Titanic books


I know cheated some..and put them in categories...but I LOVE books and can't pick just a few!!LOL

5 FOODS

5. "Real" mashed potatoes and hamburger gravy

4. Crisp Bacon..LOVE this!!:)

3. Baconators from Wendys'!

2. Fried Potatoes!

1. Hot 'n' Spicys from McD's

6 PLACES

6. Maine..have always wanted to go there or whatever reason

5. Australia..thought it would be cool to see and love the accents!

4. Greece...mythology and all that.:)

3. Egypt...would love to see the pyramids!

2. Ireland...have always wanted to go here for whatever reason

1. A "fat camp" for adults...where I can lose weight and just be me.

7 WANTS

7. A new bigger house...and a maid!

6. A new car where I don't have to worry about it breaking down

5. Enough money to never have to worry again

4. To lose all of this weight and be able to look good and feel good

3. To fall in love again someday soon

2. To get my house totally clean

1. To be happy

8 FEARS

8. Being burned to death or drowning

7. Losing my loved ones to death

6. Death

5. Spiders

4. Growing old alone

3. Getting Alzheimers

2. Getting old

1. Never losing this weight

9 LOVES

9. Food!!

8. Going for walks

7. Being in the mountains in the Summer

6. Summer Evenings

5. Books!! Prefer them over Kindles and always will

4. Researching my family history

3. "Deeks" on NCIS: Los Angeles..he is sooo cute AND hot!!;)

2. My family and friends..both in "real life" and on-line.:)

1. God

10 DAY CHALLENGE (10 Secrets)

I'm late in doing this...so will just get them all done at once.:) Hope you won't mind.


10. I love to read paranormal romance..two of my fave authors of this genre are Jacqueline Frank & Christine Feehan.

9. My hair is actually light brown..but dye it blonde on a regular basis.

8. I have an addictive personality and constantly have to struggle against the following: sex, food, alcohol & gambling.

7. I used to want to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader when I was a kid.:)

6. The only "diet" that works for me is low carb, but have a hard time sticking to it.

5. I was extremely shy when I was younger..more outgoing now, but I sometimes have to force myself to be social.

4. My fattest was 350 lbs.

3. My best friend from Kindergarten was and is Tracy

2. I'm very moody, intense and emotional a lot of the time.

1. I was molested as a child

GOOD & BAD....

Hello everyone!!:) Thank you for all of your comments. I loved them.

I don't know if you remember me talking about my friend who had a "friend" overseas that she was sending money to..and I felt that it was a scam. Well here is an update on that. OK, they have been e-mailing, talking on messenger, talking on the phone for 2 years now. He says that he's from Texas, but is working in Qatar..or some other place. Says that he is having a hard time getting enough money to come back to the States. He is supposedly this white guy...but every picture that he sends to my friend...there is something in front of his face..so you can't see him that well. She has been on webcam with him, but she can't see him, because his cam is broke(really?!). I have told her that I thought it was a scam and told her what website to go to to see about this kind of scam. Well, needless to say, she has continued to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him. I told her NOT to send him anymore money..over the past two years..she has probably sent him over $11,000!! She doesn't have that kind of money, she has 3 kids, etc. OK well he told her a couple of weeks ago that he was going to come stay here with her and start a life together. BUT he says that he needs some money for the ticket...he will ask one of his "friends" there for the rest..so she sends him $1,200!!!!!!!!! SO he is supposed to be here the 21st of March. She's excited but apprehensive. Because she would have to drive 2 hrs to the airport and wonder if he's not there? She wants me to go with her. I KNEW what was going to happen, but didn't say anything..what's the point? So the day before, she gets this text message from his "friend" saying that they were in a car accident on the way to the airport and that her friend (Cole) had hit his head pretty bad(not hard enough if you ask me..and if it was true). So, of course, we didn't go. Then she was freaking out, doubting herself, being upset that he would do this to her, feeling bad because she's in love with him, etc. He finally calls and is sooooo upset and crying, saying how sorry he is, etc. She, of course, believes him. I told her AGAIN NOT to send him any more money, she says she won't, but we'll see. I don't even know what to do anymore. Just be there for her, I guess.

Took my son, Dominic to see "The Hunger Games" opening night (23rd)..well they were sold out! That doesn't happen very often around here...so we bought the tickets early the next day and went the night of the 24th. It was sold out again, but at least we had tickets for that night. Phillip went too. It was a GREAT movie!! I loved it!

As for the weight loss thing...it's not going good at all. I have probably gained more weight back. So not going to weigh for a couple of weeks. I'm pretty disgusted with this myself at the moment. It's like I can't control myself AT ALL. I just want to eat constantly. I haven't been exercising. My high school reunion is June 16th and I would really like to lose AT LEAST 40 lbs before then. I don't know..at this rate..I will be lucky to lose 1 lb!!:(