Losing weight is not for the faint of heart! I tell ya...I really have to work at losing ANY weight now that I'm this age. It sucks. So this week...I'm doing the exercises...as much as I can...and doing meal replacement shakes...high protein. Then when I do eat something, just make sure that it doesn't have that many carbs OR calories. I weighed yesterday and am 305 again. I hate when I don't see a change...or worse when I gain! It's a neverending thing. At least with the shakes, I don't have to worry about how many calories I'm putting into my body. Plus trying to drink a lot of water. At this point in time..my goal is 275 lbs. I'm hoping that I can achieve that as fast as possible..but at least by my birthday at the end of August.
Last weekend wasn't my best weekend..the depression is just kicking my butt again. It comes and goes and is sometimes worse than other times. When it's really bad, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm hanging in there.
Arturo tried to call yesterday, but I wasn't able to pick up. I'm hoping he'll call back today. I just want to see how he's doing. Yes I still love him...which is pretty ridiculous.
As some of you know, I write to prisoners. Some of them have gotten out this year and are in half way houses. One lives in Arkansas. His name is Damon. He's black. He's been a good friend. He says he's in love with me and wants to get married!!! OK, seriously, he's a cool guy. But for one thing, I have never even met him in person. Who knows how we would get along. For another, I just got a divorce and am in NO WAY ready to get married again. Plus, I'm still confused on who I want. I HAVE decided to chill out on the going out and also from sleeping with random people. All that does is leave me feeling empty. I want real love, not just a temporary fix. It's not fair to any of the guys who I've been hanging out with to keep leading them on. Damon..as much as I hate to admit it, I have to think about the whole black/white thing. This is a small town..it wouldn't be easy. Plus I'm not sure how my family would react. I have dated a black guy before, but it was when I was younger and he was from California. I'm still hung up on Arturo. I like hanging out with Ron...but not sure if I see a future with him. Care a lot about Chris (in Vegas), but we have decided that it's unrealistic for us to even think about a relationship..plus he likes someone else and is also "playing the field" it seems. So we have just decided to be friends. Which is hard too, because I had a great time in Vegas, but if it's not there for both people, then there's no chance of it working. Bruce..my first love...lives in Alaska. Not sure if or when I will ever get to see him again. Though I would love to see him and see if "its" still there. So I really don't know who I'm supposed to be with if any of them. I'm just trying to take a step back and take care of myself and my kids. Lose some weight, get my house cleaned up, figure out what's going on in my life now. Yes I would love to have the companionship and the security that a relationship brings, but I don't want to make the wrong choice. If I could have any of them right now, it would be Arturo. But after all that has happened in the past 7 months, that's probably not the best choice.
The weather is beautiful here! I love Summer evenings the best!! Love being able to sit outside under the stars...that has always made me feel better..more calm and not so stressed out about things.
My mom is doing better.:)
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Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
SATURDAY
Since I didn't put down my weight this week...it was 303 on Tuesday. So I lost 2 lbs. I know it's not a lot..but I guess for the week it's OK. I just have to try a bit harder. But at least I lost some and not gained or stayed the same..so was happy about that.:)
Was supposed to go see Ron this weekend, but I just didn't have the money. I have to get a hotel room and everything when I go up there. I just can't do that a lot.:( I do miss him though. I like hanging out with him. I won't be able to go until June 24th at least now and that depends on the whole money situation then. Dave is going to Denver next weekend to see Gracie. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but I still get irate about things like that. I have no idea why and am tired of it. Maybe it's because he's happy and I'm not? Well I'm "happy," but not like I would like to be, if that makes sense. Plus I'm not too happy with him at the moment. He's court ordered to pay the house payment thru next March. The mortgage company was willing to work with me IF "I" paid the house payment for 3 months in a row on time. That started in April. Well he didn't make the house payment last month and is late with it this month. He says he will call them on Monday and explain why he hasn't paid or whatever...he thinks that all will be great. If I lose my house because of him...it's not just ME that he will be leaving homeless..it's HIS KIDS. I just don't get it. I'm on the list for Section 8 and have been since last August..but it's going to be awhile before that comes thru.
I never did get to help my step-dad with the food booth..my son, Phillip, did some though and was able to make some money, which he was happy about. At least he was happy about something. We are seeing about getting him a therapist to talk to. I hope that helps. As it is now...he's angry all the time. Has no respect for me or Dave...but maybe a little more for me. Thinks he can call Dave whatever he wants to and act the way he wants to...rude and disrespectful. My mom asked him to mow the lawn the other day and he wouldn't do it!!! Yes I'm the parent...but I couldn't get him to either..what kind of mom does that make me??:( He asked why he "always" had to do it and why couldn't I? All he wants to do is sleep and play video games. Well he's grounded off the X Box now, so we'll see how that goes. BUT the X Box is down at Daves'..so whether he enforces it or not...
Dave and I got into an argument last night..mostly because he just doesn't get what not paying the house payment means, the fact that he thinks he can just do what he wants whenever he wants, etc. It's just better if I don't talk to him much..which I haven't been. Though if Phillip is with him and he starts mouthing off or whatever, Dave is either texting or calling me and telling me. Like I know what to do about it. The way that Phillip is with Dave is Daves' fault. So he needs to deal with it instead of bitching to me about it. Phillip has attitude enough with me. Plus he's ALWAYS fighting with his brothers. I know that some fighting is "normal," but every little thing they do sets him off. It's getting ridiculous and VERY stressful...not only for me, but for the younger two. I hope that talking to someone will help.
I went out the night of the 28th...by myself, because my friends couldn't go or whatever. I talked to a guy that I briefly meant a couple of weeks ago. His son just graduated from high school and he just needed someone to talk to. We exchanged numbers and all. I heard from him once or twice, but he's living in Durango, CO now and that's a few hours from here. Plus he's not my type at all. He's older (51), shorter than me and tthin. I just feel more like an Amazon when I'm around shorter, thinner guys!LOL But he's cool and makes a good friend.
Haven't heard much from Chris (Vegas). He's having "women issues." He seems to pick women who aren't ready to be in a committed relationship with him. I would love to be that person, but it's just not going to happen for us. So I want him to find someone who he can really be happy with..but he needs to find women who are willing to give him a chance, who aren't hung up on their exes or who like to see multiple guys at the same time. No we AREN'T talking about me here!LOL Though I think I just described myself a bit.:(
Haven't heard from Arturo, but sent him a letter.
Was going to go see Bruce next month in Alaska..but that's not going to happen right now. Just lack of money on both of our parts. I think that maybe that ship has sailed. Which sucks..because he really was my first real love. But you never know what the future holds.
Heard from Bobby on the 30th when he called..said he would call back and didn't. Haven't heard from him since. Typical.
Mom is doing better.:) Though she's still uncomfortable, it's not as bad as it was. The physical therapist is happy with her progress. My step-dad...I'm not too happy with him at the moment. Mom pays the bills. He gives her money every month to pay them. She needs a certain amount. He just goes out and blows money on stupid shit sometimes. Well yesterday she told him she needed a certain amount for bills and he got majorly pissed off. Said that he's NEVER giving her "his" money again and that if they have that many bills, then they need to start cancelling things or whatever. So that upset her. She does the best she can with what she has and goes without A LOT. She never buys anything for herself. But then he makes her feel like that??? I love him dearly, but he really pissed me off yesterday. So they're not really talking. She told him that she would just move out and he can take care of the bills. I'm pretty sure she won't do that..but I don't blame her for thinking about it after that episode. Plus he doesn't really do anything to take care of her while she has been going thru the whole shoulder thing..I'm the one who has been helping her. He's her husband and lives there...you think he would be a little more helpful. I know he has his own health problems and all...but still. If it was him with the whole shoulder thing...he would be acting like a baby. I have even started giving mom her insulin shots! I never thought I would be doing THAT...but guess we all adapt to what we have to and do what needs to be done.
For now....I think that I will stop going out for awhile and just chill out. You can't meet "quality" guys at bars anyway. I think that I have been going out and all partly because I'm freaking out about getting older and feel like I'm "running out of time" to have fun and to find someone to be with. I need to just take a step back and focus. Going out and getting drunk doesn't solve anything...but it DOES help sometimes for a couple of hours.:)
Was supposed to go see Ron this weekend, but I just didn't have the money. I have to get a hotel room and everything when I go up there. I just can't do that a lot.:( I do miss him though. I like hanging out with him. I won't be able to go until June 24th at least now and that depends on the whole money situation then. Dave is going to Denver next weekend to see Gracie. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but I still get irate about things like that. I have no idea why and am tired of it. Maybe it's because he's happy and I'm not? Well I'm "happy," but not like I would like to be, if that makes sense. Plus I'm not too happy with him at the moment. He's court ordered to pay the house payment thru next March. The mortgage company was willing to work with me IF "I" paid the house payment for 3 months in a row on time. That started in April. Well he didn't make the house payment last month and is late with it this month. He says he will call them on Monday and explain why he hasn't paid or whatever...he thinks that all will be great. If I lose my house because of him...it's not just ME that he will be leaving homeless..it's HIS KIDS. I just don't get it. I'm on the list for Section 8 and have been since last August..but it's going to be awhile before that comes thru.
I never did get to help my step-dad with the food booth..my son, Phillip, did some though and was able to make some money, which he was happy about. At least he was happy about something. We are seeing about getting him a therapist to talk to. I hope that helps. As it is now...he's angry all the time. Has no respect for me or Dave...but maybe a little more for me. Thinks he can call Dave whatever he wants to and act the way he wants to...rude and disrespectful. My mom asked him to mow the lawn the other day and he wouldn't do it!!! Yes I'm the parent...but I couldn't get him to either..what kind of mom does that make me??:( He asked why he "always" had to do it and why couldn't I? All he wants to do is sleep and play video games. Well he's grounded off the X Box now, so we'll see how that goes. BUT the X Box is down at Daves'..so whether he enforces it or not...
Dave and I got into an argument last night..mostly because he just doesn't get what not paying the house payment means, the fact that he thinks he can just do what he wants whenever he wants, etc. It's just better if I don't talk to him much..which I haven't been. Though if Phillip is with him and he starts mouthing off or whatever, Dave is either texting or calling me and telling me. Like I know what to do about it. The way that Phillip is with Dave is Daves' fault. So he needs to deal with it instead of bitching to me about it. Phillip has attitude enough with me. Plus he's ALWAYS fighting with his brothers. I know that some fighting is "normal," but every little thing they do sets him off. It's getting ridiculous and VERY stressful...not only for me, but for the younger two. I hope that talking to someone will help.
I went out the night of the 28th...by myself, because my friends couldn't go or whatever. I talked to a guy that I briefly meant a couple of weeks ago. His son just graduated from high school and he just needed someone to talk to. We exchanged numbers and all. I heard from him once or twice, but he's living in Durango, CO now and that's a few hours from here. Plus he's not my type at all. He's older (51), shorter than me and tthin. I just feel more like an Amazon when I'm around shorter, thinner guys!LOL But he's cool and makes a good friend.
Haven't heard much from Chris (Vegas). He's having "women issues." He seems to pick women who aren't ready to be in a committed relationship with him. I would love to be that person, but it's just not going to happen for us. So I want him to find someone who he can really be happy with..but he needs to find women who are willing to give him a chance, who aren't hung up on their exes or who like to see multiple guys at the same time. No we AREN'T talking about me here!LOL Though I think I just described myself a bit.:(
Haven't heard from Arturo, but sent him a letter.
Was going to go see Bruce next month in Alaska..but that's not going to happen right now. Just lack of money on both of our parts. I think that maybe that ship has sailed. Which sucks..because he really was my first real love. But you never know what the future holds.
Heard from Bobby on the 30th when he called..said he would call back and didn't. Haven't heard from him since. Typical.
Mom is doing better.:) Though she's still uncomfortable, it's not as bad as it was. The physical therapist is happy with her progress. My step-dad...I'm not too happy with him at the moment. Mom pays the bills. He gives her money every month to pay them. She needs a certain amount. He just goes out and blows money on stupid shit sometimes. Well yesterday she told him she needed a certain amount for bills and he got majorly pissed off. Said that he's NEVER giving her "his" money again and that if they have that many bills, then they need to start cancelling things or whatever. So that upset her. She does the best she can with what she has and goes without A LOT. She never buys anything for herself. But then he makes her feel like that??? I love him dearly, but he really pissed me off yesterday. So they're not really talking. She told him that she would just move out and he can take care of the bills. I'm pretty sure she won't do that..but I don't blame her for thinking about it after that episode. Plus he doesn't really do anything to take care of her while she has been going thru the whole shoulder thing..I'm the one who has been helping her. He's her husband and lives there...you think he would be a little more helpful. I know he has his own health problems and all...but still. If it was him with the whole shoulder thing...he would be acting like a baby. I have even started giving mom her insulin shots! I never thought I would be doing THAT...but guess we all adapt to what we have to and do what needs to be done.
For now....I think that I will stop going out for awhile and just chill out. You can't meet "quality" guys at bars anyway. I think that I have been going out and all partly because I'm freaking out about getting older and feel like I'm "running out of time" to have fun and to find someone to be with. I need to just take a step back and focus. Going out and getting drunk doesn't solve anything...but it DOES help sometimes for a couple of hours.:)
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