.

.

Monday, October 31, 2011

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Hope everyone has a great day!! Taking the boys trick-or-treating tonight. Dave is going with us. At first, he had some stupid idea that we each take one of the younger kids...I'm like "are you serious??" This will probably be the last Halloween they have with him and he comes up with THAT?? I believe that it's partly Gracie telling him what to do. Anyway, this is FOR the boys and we are taking them together. I told him that it's not like we have to hold hands or anything.LOL It's just ridiculous. I'm not sure if Phillip is going to dress up at all, but Dominic and Matthew are both going to be ninjas. They have different colored costumes. They have parties at school today..Dominic wanted to be a zombie for that. So he just put some fake blood on a white shirt. I think he was just embarrassed to wear the ninja costume at school.LOL

I haven't talked to Bobby at all. I kinda figured I wouldn't. Not that big of a deal really. I've been texting a couple of guys from Denver and they're pretty cool. Jeff H. & Mike K. Jeff is 30 and Mike is 39. Mike and I also talk on the phone. He's a cool guy and he gives me that "butterfly" feeling whenever I hear from him. Which is nice. It may not go anywhere with either one of them (I live 3 hrs away), but it's nice having them in my life for the moment. I have learned and pretty much come to accept that nobody stays permanently in my life. At least guys don't. It's not that I'm OK with that, I just accept it. I haven't "slept" with a guy in over 2 weeks. Hey, that has to be some kind of record!!LOL I'm just not into the hook ups anymore. I want and need more than that. Let's just hope I have the willpower to continue with that. I got a letter from Arturo on Saturday with a picture. He's still looking all hot and everything. Told me he loves me and still wants to marry me. Tells me he's glad that I never gave up on him, etc. I still really care about him, but is it too little too late? I don't know. I do know that I have a bit of a wall up where he is concerned.

I went hunting with my mom and step-dad all last week. Well THEY hunted. I'm pretty sure I couldn't hit the side of a barn!!LOL I mostly just drove and tried to find a friggin' buck. Plenty of does, but that's about it. Mom had a buck tag, my step-dad (Duke) didn't have a tag for this season. I swear that deer are crazy. They know when to "hide" during hunting season...yet they continually run out in front of cars!! Anyway, mom didn't get anything, but it was sooo nice being able to just talk to her and hang out with her.:) Duke had his truck and then I drove mom around. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad for the memories. On the downside, I ate waaayyyy too much cookies, crackers, mini candy bars, etc. I felt like a serious cow. But the last few days of last week, I did OK and will weigh myself later this morning. Anyway, another season starts on the 5th. Mom has an elk tag for that one and Duke has a buck tag. Hopefully they will have better luck this next season.

Dave hit a deer on his way to work last week and hit it HARD (like at 60 mph). Luckily Dave was OK..it would have been a lot worse if it was a bigger deer or an elk. I'm glad he's OK!! His car was pretty messed up though. It's in the shop now. Can't say that I'm sad about the car....it's a 2009 and I have a 1993 and I never thought that was fair. Karma and all....I know that's probably horrible to say, right?

Gracies' daughter, Nicole, & I get along. Which is weird to say the least. She's 23 and has 3 little kids. She is having a birthday party for 2 of them on November 12th and she invited me and the boys! Well they all live with Gracie. I'm actually going to go if the weather is decent. Might be a little weird. Dave and Gracie being there and all. But oh well. It was ballsy of Nicole to ask and I have to give her credit for that. I don't have to be NICE to Gracie..but I'm pretty sure I can be CIVIL. My mom would kick my ass if she knew. But I know that I have to try to adapt to the whole situation. I don't know if that will ever really happen, but we'll see. My friend, Sean, might go with me. I'm not sure yet. I may have mentioned him earlier. He lives in Denver (doesn't everyone??)LOL We have talked on the phone off and on for over a year. I asked him if he wanted to go to the party with me and he said yes. But we'll see. It would be nice to have someone to go with so maybe I wouldn't feel so friggin' awkward. I told him my kids would be with me..he said he didn't have a problem with that..but I'm sure he'll be irate if we don't get any time alone. But that's not my problem and I'm not even sure that's true..that he would be upset.

Oh, we're supposed to see a mediator about the visitation. I told Dave that I'm not spending money on the mediator when he screwed things up for me before. The mediator is an ass. He TELLS you how it's going to be, doesn't discuss it. I don't like him and I refuse. So not sure where it will go from there. Dave is being all nice again. I don't get him. He tells me that we have nothing to talk about, but then texts me and stuff. Trying to keep me on the string a little? I really don't know. But I just do the day to day thing and try not to let it get me down.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

WEDNESDAY....

OK, I know that I said that I was pretty much giving up on weight loss...I'm sooo not. I didn't come this far to just quit. I just get in my "moods." I got the papers filed at the courthouse yesterday and sent a copy to Dave. He may not be too happy, but I can't worry about that. He didn't care how I felt when he filed the papers behind my back. My problem is, I still care. He dropped Dominic off at moms' last night and came in!! Is he crazy??? My mom and step-dad are sooo pissed off at him right now and he just waltz in. Luckily, they were in their rooms, but my step-dad came out of his room to see who was there and then went back in (Thank God). After Dave left, he's like "what the hell was he doing in here?" He wasn't mad at me, he's just pissed at Dave. Dave had some serious balls, because I had told him how they feel about him right now. Then he brought the boys some soda and brought me one too! He usually doesn't..so WTF? You wouldn't believe how hard it is not to just text him when I want, but so far, have just been keeping it to the topic of the boys. If he says anything different (like trying to start a conversation), I ignore the text. It's really hard to do.:(

One of my guy "friends" texted me last night and asked if I wanted to "hook up." I said "nah, sorry." He was like WTH??LOL Just tired of all that crap. Then Bobby..thought he wanted more of a relationship with me..that's what he had said..of course he HAD been drinking at the time!LOL We texted some yesterday and he said we are just friends. Well at least that's cleared up. I told him I don't "sleep" with all of my friends. So now that he knows he's not getting any, who knows if he will still want to hang out or not. Doesn't matter either way to me really.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Q&A

I borrowed this from a friends' blog..so feel free to do the same.:)

1. What is your favorite word? DESTINY
2. What is your least favorite word? HATE
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? LOVE
4. What turns you off? LIARS
5. What is your favorite curse word? F**K (sorry to say)LOL
6. What sound or noise do you love? A BABY'S BELLY LAUGH
7. What sound or noise do you hate? PEOPLE ARGUING
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? WRITER
9. What profession would you not like to do? COOK
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? WELCOME HOME! DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA MAKE IT!!lol

ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE...

Yesterday wasn't a good day AT ALL. Very emotional. Dave and I talked on the phone some and I cried a lot. It's kinda like going thru the divorce all over again. I should have just cut all ties a long time ago. I was such a mess yesterday that I just felt that I couldn't do this all again and that maybe I should just quit life...but I have kids...I CAN'T and WON'T do that, but I can't say that the thought isn't there sometimes. I just have to keep going and hope for the best...though that's hard for me right now. I just don't see much to look forward to in the future. I wish I felt better. I just feel sick to my stomach (literally) and a bit panicky. Don't want to deal with this again.

I have also decided that I will stay away from guys for awhile (we will see how long THAT lasts). I'm just tired of dealing with them and their bullshit. I sent texts to some of them yesterday wishing them the best and all. A few of them texted back and asked what was going on. I just told them that I didn't hear from them that much anyway, so didn't see the point. They apologized and said they would be "better." It doesn't really matter to me at this point in time.

I didn't get the papers turned in yesterday, but will today, since this is the last day that I can.

Monday, October 17, 2011

MONDAY....

Yesterday was NOT a good day. I stayed in bed and slept all day. Just couldn't make myself get out of bed. I see the dr on Wednesday to see about my anti-depressants, but there is no miracle cure out there. I weighed today and knew that I would be up some pounds. Didn't take my water pill yesterday and plus I have been pretty much eating whatever. We don't have any money right now and won't until Nov. 3rd. So have to eat what's in the house, which isn't much and what is there is certainly not low carb. I weigh 313 lbs. I'm not even going to worry about it anymore. I was just meant to be fat.

Then Dave and I got into an argument last night over the phone. One day he's saying he wants us to be friends, that he doesn't want to lose the friendship..then last night he's saying we can be "friendly" for the boys' sakes. Tells me one minute that I can always talk to him and then tells me last night that I can't always cry on his shoulder. Then what really did it for me was "we're divorced, there is nothing left between us except for the kids." Guess he put my in MY place. So pretty much I have just been acting like an idiot this whole time. Trying to be friends. So that's fine...we will only talk about the kids. But he better live by that as well. He calls to make sure the kids were up for school this morning and tells me that he called off work today, because his stomach has been hurting all night. I know that he expected me to say I'm sorry or I hope he feels better soon, but I didn't. I was just like "oh." That wasn't about the boys..so guess I don't have to address it.

I'm going to the courthouse this monrhing and responding to the parenting plan. If they go with his plan, we will get even less child support than we do now. He said he would pay the same amount and the extra (up to $400) he will give to me. Yeah RIGHT. Will believe that whe I see it.

I'm sooo tired today and have no reason to be.

Friday, October 14, 2011

NEW PICS AND UPDATE

OK...there are some shirts that I shouldn't probably wear because they make me look bigger than I am. The September 2011 photo is one of those!!LOL But anyway..wanted to put an updated pic or two of me up. I have decided to go with the "flat hair" look for awhile and see how that goes. It's a bit weird, because I have always tried for the big "80's hair." My hair has always just been too thin. As I have gotten older...I'm not as concerned as I once was about what people think of me. I still care, but just not as much.

I weighed 310 on Monday.:( I have been exercising every day since then and haven't been eating as much, but I'm still around the same.:( I know muscle weighs more than fat and all and I'm hoping that's it. It's just really frustrating. I don't want to be in the 300's anymore. So I will keep exercising and drinking a ton of water and hopefully that will eventually get me down to where I want to be.

As for Dave...he got all teary-eyed and said that he doesn't want to give up the friendship. Said he was sorry for sending the certified letter. That I can get ahold of the court and tell them that we will sit down and figure it out ourselves...well he should have done that before he did all this other crap. I don't understand him at all.

Phillip has been saying that he wants to kill himself.:( He cries most nights, because he doesn't want his dad to move. The other two are upset as well, but don't show it like Phillip does. So I'm the one who has to try to comfort him and tell him that things will be OK. When I don't even know for sure that they will be. I texted Dave and told him about how upset Phillip is and, of course, he didn't text back. Phillip says he has tried to tell Dave how he feels, but that he won't listen and just ignores him. Dave is putting his happiness before his kids' happiness and he can't tell me otherwise. His priorities are screwed up if you ask me. But he will deny that they are.

I spent last weekend with Jason. He stayed over at my place. I know, I know...but he is a cool guy and I think he just wants someone to hang out with. He totally loves Kelly. I hope that she comes back. They belong together. The boys were with Dave last weekend. I don't have guys around my kids...as I have said before.

Then I met this guy on Wednesday (Jack) and we hung out for a bit. Hooked up and then went to lunch. That's all it was..was a hook up. He lives 3 hours away and drove all that way for a HOOK UP. Guys are sooo strange.LOL We had talked a bit before then...but haven't talked since. It just wasn't all that. He's a cool guy and all and we got along, but it just wasn't there. I can't seem to stop what I'm doing.:( I know I'm an adult and we all have to take responsibility for our actions...I just feel out of control. I don't know where my morals and everything have gone.:( I hesitate to even write about this stuff, because I know that people will judge me, but I figure that I might as well be honest. At least on here. I'm certainly not in "real life." I lie to myself more than I lie to anyone else..but I still lie to people to an extent.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

PANICKY....

I don't know what my problem is tonight, but I can't "calm down." I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I don't have anyone to talk to and I think that's making it worse. I want to call or text Dave..even though he's asleep. He could always calm me down. Now that's gone. I'm alone. Always. People around me and still alone. It makes me sick to think about. What am I going to do? Who am I going to turn to? I just feel like screaming. I have more to say on this blog..but I can't even concentrate right now. I just feel like I'm stuck in my own skin or something, if that even makes any sense.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” -Orson Welles.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

SHOCKED....

OK, I have been separated since August 2009 and divorced since December 2010. Dave(ex) and I have our differences, but we basically get along now and have a friendship of sorts. We usually get along unless I want to talk about something serious...such as money. His gf, Gracie (whom he left me for) lives in Denver..which is about 3 hrs away. He has been going to see her on weekends when he can for the past two years...while he lives here with his sister. He has a good job with the state here and also wanted to be close to the kids. I admit, that I DON'T like Gracie at all. For numerous reasons. I don't want our kids around her. Phillip (oldest) goes with Dave usually and even that was hard at first. But she has kids around our kids' ages and he likes to go up there. He's 13 and I feel that he can make his own choices. I don't "allow" the younger two to go. They are 9 and 7. They don't want to go usually anyway. They are still "mommas' boys." It won't always be that way, but for now, it is. Which I love.:) Dave has been living rent free with is sister for the past two years. Last month, she told him that she wants $300 a month for rent. This made him decide that moving to Denver would be a better idea. He can't just up and leave, because first he has to put in a transfer from his job. I don't know how long that will take or anything, but I'm hoping awhile. Getting to the point here...LOL. Yesterday I was at my moms'..I get my mail there. She hands me a certified letter that came and it was from DAVE. He NEVER said anything about that, even though we talk every day and were pretty much getting along. It was a revised parenting plan. Since he's moving, he had it revised...he wants the boys up there with him and HER every other Christmas, every other Spring Break, 4th of July, 3 weeks in the Summer (though it doesn't have to be consecutive) and all weekends if he's able to come down and get them. WTF???!! I told him how I felt about the younger two going up there. I told him that he could come down here and see them until they're a little bit older, but that they would have a hard time being away from me at night. My middle one, Dominic, is a nervous child. He likes routine. So is he going to force them to go?? I have no idea. He will be working some while they are up there, so they will be alone with Gracie and her kids for hours at a time. I'm NOT comfortable with that. He may trust her, but I don't. In that house, there are 8 people! It will be 9 with Dave. I think it's crazy. There's Gracie, her 3 younger kids, plus her 23 year old daughter and HER 3 kids..the oldest is like 4. I don't think that's the best environment for my kids. I'm their mother and I think that I should have a say in it. I'm SOOOOO mad. He could have given me a heads up. Let me know at least that he was going to do that. Yes, I would have still been upset, but at least I wouldn't have been blind-sided. Yes, I feel betrayed. I don't care if that's wrong or not. His friendship has meant a lot to me. I haven't been able to let that part go. I may have given up my husband, but I didn't want to give up my best friend. It's hard for me not to talk to him at least once a day. I know that he doesn't need the friendship like I do, but after 13 years of marriage...I don't know how to let that go. It makes me sick to think about. But I can't even trust him a LITTLE now. How am I going to do this? I told him that I don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything anymore, because he could use it against me at some future date. He said he would never do that and that we can still be friends. Well how do I do that after he's done this? I have thought about HIS feelings and have let a couple of things slide these last months. He was court ordered to pay half the maintenance on the house thru March 2012. He was supposed to get his Air Force life insurance ($200,000) reinstated by LAST March. He hasn't done ANY of it. I'm $1,000 behind on the water bill, because I had all of the other bills to pay every month. He owes at least half of that. I was going to try to start making payments on it, but got a letter saying if I don't pay the FULL AMOUNT by October 20th, that they will be a lien against my house. Well the mortgage company is finally helping me so I don't lose my house, but it says in the papers, that they can't help me if there is a lien against the house!:( So I don't know what I'm going to do about that. If the mortgage company decides not to help me, then my house goes up for auction on December 21st! I have no place to go. I let the life insurance thing slide for so long because he said he would get it done. Well he hasn't. Probably because he doesn't want ME to get any of it in case something happens to him before the youngest is 18! I'm like "seriously??" It's for the KIDS! I STILL don't want to get him into trouble..even after all of this. But since he started it, should I go to the court and tell them that he hasn't been doing what he's been court ordered to do? I told him that we're going to end up hating each other because it's probably going to get ugly. He said he doesn't want it to get ugly and that he'll never hate me. I'm just sooooo upset.;( The depression has been kicking my ass again lately...feel like sleeping all the time and don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel good. I'm sad, angry, stressed out. Now it's going to be like first getting divorced all over again. Didn't think that I would make it thru that, but I did...after a lot of pain, a lot of tears. But then I had his friendship and he was still in the same town. Now he's leaving (it's like he's leaving me all over again). I have to get used to him being gone..not seeing him every day, not talking to him every day. He said that he'll text me and we can still be friends. Yeah like she's going to allow that. Besides, with him, I believe it'll be "out of sight, out of mind." Plus now I can't trust him not to do underhanded things. So now I have to try to let the friendship go too and it makes me sick. I have to force myself not to call him, not to text him, not to tell him what his going on in my life. How do I do that? How am I going to get thru the pain AGAIN?? I just feel like giving up. Isn't it supposed to get better? It's been two years...there has been happy moments...but has things gotten "better?" Not a lot. Maybe it'll take another 2 years, maybe 5..10?? I don't know. But can I stick around for all of it? How much pain am I willing to take? Some days I don't think I can take it at all. Other days, I'm good. WHO am I going to talk to when I need to talk to someone??:(

Sorry for all the rambling and changing topics in here...just not thinking straight right now.

Monday, October 3, 2011

ANOTHER DAY...

Arturo called me yesterday...it's always sooo weird...I start thinking about him or something and then there he is. Told me he sent me a letter that I should be getting in a day or so. I don't know what to make of it all, but I'm willing to have him in my life.

I weighed today and was still 307. So though I didn't lose any this week..at least I didn't gain any either..which is nice. I just have to work harder at losing it. I started taking 2 diet pills yesterday as well instead of just one and it seemed fine. At least it helps with the appetite. Gives me a bit more energy. I haven't felt good today though. Just a stomach flu or something going around. I don't think it has to do with the pills. Will wait a couple of days and see.

I'm not stressing out about Phillip not calling or texting me last weekend anymore. We talked and he apologized. I WAS angry with Dave though. I just can't let go of the friendship and he says he doesn't want to either. He says he doesn't really know how to be a friend, but that he will try to be better. It's all so confusing. It may be weird that I want to be friends with my ex..but he was my best friend for so many years...and it's hard to let that go.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

THE TRUTH!

I was just reading a blog from a totally awesome person. She had got some rude comment, because she had said that she was thinking about having sex for the first time with a guy she had known for 2 months. So then she was afraid of being honest about it. She has lost a lot of weight and feels good about her body, as she should. There is NOBODY out there that can tell a person how to live THEIR life!! Do what you need to do to make you happy. If you are sharing things on a public forum like this one, there will always be people who think they are better than you, are more "moral" than you, who think they are going to Heaven and you're going to Hell. Who are THEY to judge another person???? Did someone make THEM God???? I don't think so. That being said....I have left A LOT of things out of my blogs because of how people might think of me. Either on here or in the small town where I live (in case someone from here stumbles across my blog). But know what??? This is MY blog and MY life and I can do and say what the hell I want to say. I'm still FAT and maybe that's why I do what I do. Another form of self-destruction. Instead of food now..maybe it's sex. I have to deal with that part of myself. Do I feel good about myself?? No, not all the time. Do I feel in control of my life..not most of the time. Sex makes me feel wanted and needed even if for just a little while. To have that connection with another human being. To have someone touch me and desire me, even for just that moment in time. If that makes me a ho, then so be it. I'm not married. I'm not in a relationship. I can do what the hell I want. Have I always been smart about it?? NO. That part, I regret. Will they not want me if I ask them to wear a condom?? So I have to work on that. I don't want some STD and definitely don't want AIDS. I "slept" with a few people before I got married and no I wasn't in a relationship with all of them. I was faithful to my husband for 11 1/2 years...til he decided to bail. In the past two years...I hate to even say it, but I have been with A LOT of guys. It's like I don't have any issue with "sleeping" with a guy that I don't know. Doesn't matter to me. If he calls again, great, if the doesn't...well I expected that. I have become numb to the feelings of love I do believe. That's what I was talking about with Jason. He showed me that I could have feelings again. Yes I'm tired of the FWB thing, but I like sex. The fact that some guys want repeats..well that means I may be doing something "right" or maybe it's just because they know that I'm a "sure thing." Either way, I get what I need...well not always.LOL BUT it's like a drug...I do it, feel good doing it, feel kinda crappy afterwards, am OK without it for a little while and then start jonesing (sp?) for it again. Then it starts all over. I can't even remember all the guys' names that I've been with the past two years. Which sucks really. Sometimes I can't even remember being with them...alcohol does that to you. I always say...OK I'm not going to have sex again until I find someone who really cares about me...but then I'm doing it again. It's like eating...I feel bad after, but can't seem to stop myself. I'm not making excuses. I do what I do. When it comes to going to Heaven or Hell...well it's not anyone here on this Earth that gets to make that call. Thank you for your concern about my soul...but you don't live my life. I don't bring guys to my house. I don't bring guys around my kids. What I do is separate from who I usually am. I'm two different people sometimes. I'm the good mom, the sweet, innocent, shy person that doesn't do anything wrong. But other times..I'm the drinker, smoker of weed (if the opportunity presents itself), the gambler, the whore (if that's what you feel that I am). I have never taken money for what I do. But it's not like I haven't thought about it. What would be the difference? I give it away for free, why not get something out of it for me? But haven't gone that route yet. I would like to think that I never will..but never say never. I HAVE slowed down a bit than what I was doing that first year after my marriage ended. But still having sex with more guys than I should. I know that no guy wants to really KNOW me. That my weight is a hindrance to that. I'm OK to bang, but not OK to be seen in public with. There are a few guys who care about me still..but not enough for a relationship. Yes I guess sex is hooked in with my self-esteem. If that's all the attention that I can get, then that's what I will take. Judge me if you must...but everyone of us has the side of us that we don't want anyone to really know about...and this is mine. Why hide it?? Be who you are.

SO DELUSIONAL....

Well the thing with Jason isn't going to work. I just don't feel right. We hung out again last Wednesday and all...I just feel that him and Kelly belong together and I hope that they can work it out. I will NOT try to come in between two people that I feel need each other. So I may see him at Bingo every now and then, but I don't plan on hanging out with him otherwise. I didn't tell him that yet, but I think it's all good..since neither of us have even talked to texted each other since Wednesday.

As for other guys...seriously..they are all a bunch of jerks. I'm sooo tired of guys wanting nothing but FWB with me. So I'm better off alone, though it sucks sometimes. I would like someone to go to the movies with, someone to go to dinner with, laugh with, etc. But that isn't likely going to happen any time in the near future, so whatever. I have talked to a guy named Sean for over a year..though we stopped briefly earlier this year. I don't feel a great love for him, but we talk and that's fine. I'm not planning on going to Denver just to meet him..how many times have I done that for other idiots?

Arturo...he called me at the beginning of the month..not sure if I said that before or not. Says he wants to get back to the way things were between us..us writing letters, him calling, etc. Well actions speak louder than words. He hasn't called since like the 8th and I haven't gotten a letter from him. Can't trust the guy, so certainly can't go back to "how things were." It's a sad thing because I really fell for him. But he has two things against him...he's a guy AND he's a convict.

Dave (ex) and my oldest went to Denver this weekend to see Daves' ho...sorry girlfriend. Dave texts me and talks to me all the time when he's in town..he still lives here with his sister. I told him that when he goes up there, he ignores me OR treats me like crap. He denied it. This weekend is a perfect example. I have refused to let go of the friendship and he says that he wants the friendship to. Such crap. I texted him yesterday morning because I had to discuss something about the younger two with him and he didn't text back all day. Didn't call to talk to the kids, etc. So I called him last night..he didn't answer, but called back. He said he was sorry but that he didn't get any text. Whatever. He bought Phillip some more stuff up there...always does. But can't seem to buy anything for the other two. I told him that Phillip is his favorite and he denies that too. Well it looks like it to me. Then there's the whole other thing about Phillip. He's 13. I understand he's a teenager. But I do expect him to text me and tell me how things are going. He doesn't have to call. Well he did neither. I told Dave about it and he said "I'm sorry I thought he had been texting you all day. I will talk to him about it tomorrow." Well...it's now like 1:40pm and I haven't heard from either one of them. Dave knows what pisses me off and still does it. It hurts that Phillip couldn't even text me. I texted him last night and asked what was going on...and nothing. So I guess he thinks that since his dad treats me with disrespect, that he can too. So I'm NOT happy. They are coming back today...and I don't want to deal with either one of them. What's the point? I'm pissed off at both of them and I can't pretend otherwise. Not even with Phillip. He'll know that I'm pissed off right away and then he'll be "I'm sorry mom." I'm tired of that crap. He doesn't give a crap...just like his dad. I love Phillip with all of my heart..just like I love the other two, but I'm not going to put up with him treating me like this too. So if he wants to live with his dad and his aunt..then so be it. They will have to figure out how to get him up and to school since they both work in the mornings. They would only really have to worry about Wednesdays and Thursdays considering his aunt his off on Mondays and Tuesdays and they don't have school on Fridays. My mom will kick my ass for that, but oh well. Will see how it goes. If he wants to stay here, he's going to have to start treating his brothers better, he's going have to show me some respect, follow some rules and help around the house. I'm pretty sure he won't do any of those things.

The diet pills...I can take up to 3 a day, but have only been taking one since I'm sensitive to caffeine. Well I think that starting today, I'm going to try 2 and see how it goes. If it turns out bad, I'll go back to one. I weigh tomorrow and will let you know how that goes.