Wednesday morning

Well, I don't feel as crazy as I did when I last wrote, which is probably a good thing!!!LOL He's going to Denver AGAIN this weekend...I so have to quit worrying about what he's doing or not doing. That's the hard part. Just "let it go." Not exactly sure how to do that yet, but I will figure it out eventually. I filed for legal separation yesterday. A hard thing to do. There is still a lot to do..parenting classes, probably mediation, etc. Won't be final until like the end of March or beginning of April. I know we'll have to have mediation, because we can't agree on the visitation for the kids...which Chrismtas's he gets them, etc. If it was up to me, he wouldn't have them for any length of time at all. Not because of him, but because of his girlfriend. I just don't think my kids need to be around her. Now instead of her moving down here, he's thinking again of moving to Denver!:( Sometimes, I just want to scream..."MAKE UP YOUR FRIGGIN' MIND!" I know that "God and the Universe" know how things are supposed to be and I just have to have faith that things are going the way they're supposed to. It's very hard for me to just "go with the flow."

I went to his sisters' for dinner the other day and he did a double take when I walked in the room and asked "how much weight have you lost? You can tell." Made my day for sure.:) I've been working at it even though some days I don't feel like doing anything much less exercise.

I've been on a couple of dates, but nothing serious. I was never good at dating before I was married and I sure as hell am not good at it now. But it takes my mind off of things for awhile.

Christmas was good. The kids had fun and got some nice things.:) They are doing well. Phillp goes back to school on the 6th after being expelled since September...he's nervous and so am I. I hope he'll be OK and that the kids won't be jerks. I will have to take him every morning now and walk in with him. That's so annoying. If you don't remember...he had taken an unloaded gun to school in September. But we will get thru this as well. Keep him in your prayers.

Anger....

I still have A LOT of anger...I thought that I was past that, but I'm sooo not. The 21st was a horrible day...started filling out papers for legal separation. Way too much paperwork and it may take me forever to finish it. Maybe it's because I don't want this...I don't want it to be soo final. Even Dave is sad about it. It doesn't matter, I know it's over. I'm just having a really hard time with it. I get so mad sometimes, I feel like my head is going to explode...would be very messy!!LOL I LOVE my kids with all of my heart, but I must admit that I'm suicidal and I'm not thinking about anyone but myself. I'm tired of dragging myself thru the days. It's a major effort to just get out of bed, take a shower and deal with the day. Christmas Eve, we would have been together for 13 years. I've made enough threats that if anything does happen to his girlfriend, I'm sure I'm the top suspect. I just need to chill. Easier said than done. I'm just so pissed off, hurt, sad, depressed. He took our oldest up to Denver with him last weekend. That was really hard for me. How am I supposed to deal with this? I know people do it every day, but they must be Super Humans or something. I just want to be able to find that medium, where I'm not always upset. Where I can handle all of this crap without crying all the time.

The weekend....

Well...the weekend didn't start out well at all. My mom and step-dad were getting married on Saturday (5th) and Dave KNEW this. I mean seriously. We had rehearsal for it on the Tuesday before...even though he wasn't there, the boys were. So then on Friday afternoon, he texts me that he was thinking about going to Denver on Saturday to see her!! I told him he was an asshole and he only thought about himself and Gracie. I couldn't believe that he was doing that to mom and Duke after they had loved him all these years too and had done so much for us. He immediately texted back and said he was sorry, that he had forgotten and that he would be at the wedding and he would go to Denver another weekend. By then, I was so pissed off anyhow, ya know? I told him I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Of course, that's not possible since I have 3 kids with him, but it's hard having to act like it's all OK when it's not. So anyway...at least the wedding turned out really nice and everything went well.:) It was short and sweet for sure. They got married at the local Elk's Lodge since Duke is a member. Everyone had fun. Dave stayed at the reception for a little while and then left since he wasn't feeling well and I think he felt a little out of place as well. Everyone knows that he left me for someone else. I think that would be a little uncomfortable for him.

On Friday night, I got a text from a guy that lives in a town nearby. I hadn't heard from him in awhile and was surprised. He asked what I was doing Saturday night. So we ended up making plans to go see the movie "New Moon." His name is Rich and he's 27. I know...pretty young. We went to grab a bite to eat (McDonalds)LOL...not really hungty and then to the movie. I think he's a bit shy and he said it had been awhile since he had been out. I did put my hand on his leg and he eventually did the same to me. Also held hands a bit. Then he took me home. No good night kiss or anything.:( I thought maybe he just wasn't all that interested in me, but he texted me later and said the he just moves slower. I still thought that maybe there was a lack of attraction on his part, but he texted me again last night and we talked a bit. So who knows if this will go anywhere, but it would be cool if it did. He's a cutie.:) I think it's cool that he didn't just automatically expect sex. All the other guys that I have talked to or went out with these past months expect sex on the first date. It's sad when you get used to something like that as being "normal." I'm trying slow down as it is and have some self-respect. Yes, I like sex...but it's just been way out of control this whole year and I don't feel good about it. So we'll see.

It's been cold and gloomy here the past couple of days and we have gotten some snow. Yesterday, I didn't even get out of my pajamas...just soooo not in the mood. Today I'm forcing myself to get some things done, but it's been rough. I'm looking forward to better days for sure.

Hard time tonight....

Just having a hard time dealing with things tonight...depressed and just over it. Might lose the house and I just don't see Dave as doing anything about it. Maybe he is..I don't know. We don't talk that much about important things. He gets irritated with me when I bring up those kinds of things. I just feel like my life is out of control. Where will the boys and I move if we lose the house?? I don't want to lose the house, I don't want to be dealing with any of this, but it is what it is. Some days I'm OK and others I'm not. I felt like crap again today. I'm gonna head to bed...hope for a better day tomorrow.

Weight loss!!

I weighed in today and I'm down another 6 lbs!!! I'm shocked, because over the weekend, I didn't exercise at all or on Monday either...was sick and felt horrible. I felt better yesterday and went for a walk. I'm sooo happy!! I haven't been down this far in a loongg time! It gives me motivation to keep going and get this weight off.

Thanksgiving was nice. Went to the community dinner and then to my soon to be ex-sister-in-law's. It just felt the same as every year really. It was sooo nice out that my youngest Matthew and I went for a walk and I took him to the school to play on the playground. It was a nice day.

The next day they have what they call the "Parade of Lights" here...it was so nice that night...had a fun time. Dave went too, but he didn't stay that long...plus he was texting her while he was there, so I was like whatever. I just think it's disrespectful to do that when he's with me or we're together with the boys. Just annoying.

Had the wedding rehearsal for mom last night. Hopefully everything will go smoothly on Saturday as well! My middle son, Dominic (7) refuses to get his hair cut for the occasion..though he needs it badly.LOL He has nice hair and he's cute, but he should at least have his bangs cut some. I got Matthew's hair cut the other day and they cut it a little TOO short, but still looks cute.:) Much easier to deal with in the mornings for sure.

My niece Justine (16)...she is in teenage angst. About having to live with rules, about her boyfriend, about living with my mom and step-dad, etc. She'll be 17 next month...I told her that she can deal with it for another year and then she can get out in the "real" world and see it's not all it's cracked up to be. I'm just hoping she doesn't ruin the wedding. She's in the wedding party. At rehearsal last night...she was a pain in the butt.

I had a bad panic attack last night.:( It happens when I'm asleep..well I "snap" awake and already in one sometimes. I really felt that I couldn't breathe, was numb, etc. My chest even hurt. It's a scary thing and I hate it. It doesn't happen all the time, but often enough. I have sleep apnea and don't use my CPAP machine...it annoys me...but this is crazy. So some if it is that and some is the fact that I'm stressed out.

Hope everyone is having a good week!:)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving!:)

Well I had the "official" weigh in yesterday and I'm down 5 lbs from last week!!:) VERY happy about that! I've been walking a lot and doing some weights. Now if I can keep it up. Hoping to get down to like 300 lbs by New Year's Eve. Who would have ever thought that 300 lbs would be a goal???

Going to the community dinner today with my mom and step-dad (they decided not to cook this year) and then going to my sister-in-law's as well. I LOVE mashed potatoes, so have to make sure I don't go totally overboard!LOL

Tuesday

OK, so I couldn't come up with a better title today.:) Can't believe that Thanksgiving is almost here...I love the Holidays, but I start getting a little stressed out around the actual days...Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. After my dad left when I was 12, it was usually only my mom, maternal grandma (I miss you!), my two younger sisters and I. Well all day would be spent cooking and then by the time it was time to eat, everyone was hungry and tired and pissed off at someone else. So I remember a lot of tension. Especially because my youngest sister was a handful. Her teenage years...well let's just say I'm surprised she survived them (there were times I was ready to take her out!)lol Only half joking. So there was definitely problems with her. So, even now, though usually everything is fine, I wake up on those days feeling a bit tense and "ready for arguments." My middle sister says she feels the same way. I don't know for sure what I'm doing that day yet. My sister-in-law invited me down to her place (where Dave is living). He told me to come over too. I figure I better go since this may be the last year I'm invited. Maybe they WILL accept Gracie and then I will be out totally. That would suck. My mom and step-dad are just going to go the community dinner this year and want me to go, so I may go to that one first. I'm not going to eat a whole lot at either place. When Dave and I were together, we would always eat at his dads' and then my moms'. His dad passed away in August 2008 and now that's where him and his sister are living. Anyway, I'm still having a hard time with this. Then I was thinking "what if he spends New Years Eve with her??" That would upset me immensely...but he doesn't have the next day off, so I don't feel so bad.:) I know, I have to be better at letting go...I am MUCH better than I was at the beginning, but it's still a long road.

On the brighter side, I have been walking every day...so feel good. I usually do the "official weigh-in" on Wednesdays, so will let you know tomorrow how things are going. I walked last night and it was freezing out! Harder to breathe for sure when you have all that cold air going into your lungs. But I was proud of myself for going anyway.:)

How do I move on?

I don't know how to do this whole separation thing. I think it's getting easier and then something happens and throws me back to the beginning again. Like I said, he went to Denver again yesterday. Supposed to be back this afternoon. I hate looking forward to him coming back. I shouldn't care anymore, but I do. I know that he has the best of both worlds right now and I need to change that. He has to realize what he's doing to me. I still love him and would probably take him back..stupid as that sounds. Then I think about not being able to trust him again and all and know that I CAN'T take him back. Besides he would never give her up, he would always want to be at least friends with her. I couldn't deal with that at all. Right now, I can ignore it some and put it in the back of my mind, but when she moves up here...damn it's going to be soooo hard to see them together all the time!! Having my kids around her and her kids....I know I have to deal with it...but HOW??
I try not to think about things when he is up there with her. It's just too hard knowing that he wants to be with her and not me. That he loves her and not me. He will text me when he's on his way home. He will let me know when he gets here. The boys want to see him, so he will come get them. I will have a hard time not asking how it went, what was said, what they did, etc. It's like I need to hear it. Torture myself more? I have no idea. But I will try to refrain from asking. I just don't know how to do this.

Saturday

Dave is going to Denver today. I thought that I was getting "used" to it, but I don't think that will ever happen. Just pisses me off and annoys me. I just need to get past it. Easier said than done though. I told my middle son last night that we would go on vacation next summer (like we usually do) and he asked "his dad going too?" He was sad when I said no and wanted to know who would swim with them. So it DOES affect the younger ones as well. Dave is just being selfish, but there's nothing I can do about it. I miss what was, but know I can't go back. Just have to move forward...most likely alone.

I've started taking Celexa again for my depression. Hopefully that will help some.

I walked for 24 minutes yesterday (want the seconds too?)LOL Anything is an improvement for me. Also did some 5 lb weights. Mom and her bf are getting married on December 5th. My sister, niece and I are standing up for her. I will be the fattest one by a long shot, but hopefully I can lose at least a couple of inches before then. We will see.

Weight loss too.....

Really nothing new to report on the "Dave" front. Though he is supposed to go to Denver on Saturday...whatever. I don't think he knows what he wants...me or Gracie...both? I think not. I just need to NOT be alone with him. I deserve better than that. I'm not good enough to want to be with anymore, but still good enough to f**k?? I have put up with that from a lot of guys in my younger years, but never thought that it would be that way with my own husband of 12 years!!!

Then I'm trying to lose weight...well am I REALLY trying?? I don't know. I love to eat..bottom line. But I feel like crap. I have sleep apnea...I don't wear the CPAP machine because it bugs me. Some nights, I don't even notice that I stop breathing so many times. Other nights (like last night), I wake up gasping for breath, with my heart racing and sure that I'm going to die of a heart attack.:( Sometimes it turns into a full fledge panic attack. Dave used to be here to calm me down...now it's just me. If my oldest hears me, he comes in and asks if I'm OK. I KNOW I need to lose weight, but getting there isn't easy for sure. I've been walking more (though the past week I have been lazy). I have never been this heavy..well actually I probably have...by a few pounds. I can't buy jeans in this town...guess fat people don't live here?? So I have to go to a city and go to someplace like "Catherines" to get jeans and it's expensive. Before, I was able to pay like $20 for a pair..at that place I have to pay like $50!!:( All that extra material??LOL My mom says I'm built like my grandma on my dad's side...we call her Grandma Gray. OK, I love her immensely, but don't want to look like her. She always had problems with her weight as well. I know I need to put my weight down here...but I feel soooo embarrassed to do so. I was at 275 lbs. for a long time...then when I quit working...BAM..all this weight piled on. So now I'm about 330. I'm 5'8. I have some water weight...take pills for that..why should I be retaining so much water? When I don't take my pills, I can gain like 9 lbs FAST. Too bad like 30 lbs isn't "water weight.:) But I will try to be healthier for myself AND for my kids. I need to get out of the mentality that I'm "meant to be fat." I need to make small goals, instead of saying I have to lose like 150 lbs....because that is just too much pressure and I give up. So wish me luck.:)

Another day....

I know that some of this is my fault...some people can have an "open marriage" and be fine, obviously it wasn't for us. But if there wasn't something "wrong" or "missing" in our marriage, we wouldn't have decided on the open relationship in the first place. He first started talking to Gracie at the beginning of February. We decided on the open thing like the middle of the month, I guess. I do remember that for Valentine's Day, instead of spending it with me, he was at his sister's house on the computer with Gracie. Big warning sign then. Well then he met her at the end of February...went up to Denver. So did I, but I stayed at a different hotel. I don't want to get into all of that...it's too depressing and the beginning of the end. Then the beginning of March, I found some e-mails between them....it was BAD. Saying how he had never felt that way, etc. Couldn't wait to see each other again. I was SOOO mad, hurt, upset. I was a mess the entire weekend. Told him I was going to file for divorce on that next Monday. He was crying and begging me not to, the he "couldn't live without me." So we worked it out. But he said that he still wanted her as a friend...damn I'm dumb. I let him have that. So he saw her a few more times over the months and she was "cool to talk to," "to hang out with every now and then," etc. Then he decided he wanted to be with her. I asked him when he fell out of love with me (he told me he had), because I was thinking "how could you do this from July to August?? Have this big feeling change? He said he thinks it was around April!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF???? So I guess I was delusional for awhile. After he left, I found some more e-mails..I will learn one day not to read that crap..lol..from her to him. He must have erased his to her. Hers was bad enough. He had to be saying crap about me to her. She's like "you work all the time and she doesn't work at all. She should be kissing your feet." I DON'T THINK SO! If he had a problem with me not working, all he had to do was say so. I had worked, but it was like I was doing it and then using the money for daycare! It didn't make sense. So WE decided that I would stay home until our youngest, Matthew, started Kindergarten, which was this past August. Then at the end of August, Dave went on a picnic in the mountains with my family and I. In one of her e-mails, she says "I don't mean to sound jealous or anything, but did SHE go too?" Like I'M the other woman!!! No idiot, he went with just my family. Damn. There WAS one e-mail that I read from him and it was like "you are the best thing that's ever happened to me" and "sex with you is the best I ever had." OK WTF was I?????????????? Then he wonders why I get so pissed off at him. He wants us all to be friends! I don't think that's gonna happen. My parents divorce was a mess....anyway, will save that for another day.

Not a good day

I hate crying. It doesn't matter if I'm alone or not, I hate it. I cried so much the first couple of months after he left...don't think I ever cried that much ever. Tonight...it just all hit me again. It's been a hard day...just knowing that he doesn't want to be with me and the boys. I know he loves the boys and won't abandon them...but it was iffy for awhile. He was going to put in for a transfer next year (he has worked as a correctional officer at a prison near here for over 9 years)...but he was willing to give that up...to give up his boys...to move to Denver to be with her and her kids. It was killing me. Leaving me is one thing, but leaving his kids...who need him more than anything...I just couldn't understand. He was telling me bullshit like he would get down here as often as he could, that he would call them. IT'S NOT THE FUCKING SAME!!! He would be 3 hours away. Being a dad to HER kids and not to his own. Our youngest two..they're 7 and 6 now...they are coping..but they adapt and don't really understand what's going on. Dave has been living with his sister here in town since he moved out and so the boys can see him every day. Stay weekend nights with him. But who knows how they really feel inside or how it will affect them in the long run. My oldest is 11 and he is taking it SOOOO hard. I don't know how to help him. Dave had gone to Denver to see her on September 12th...as soon as he left town, Phillip...our oldest...called him crying and begged him not to go. But he did anyway. Phillip didn't feel protected without Dave being here, so he took a handgun from my sister-in-law's gun cabinet. It didn't have bullets and there was no way he would have ever done anything to hurt anyone. But he made a mistake. He, for some reason, took the gun to school on that Monday..the 14th. I didn't know. He didn't take it out of his backpack, but opened it so a couple of his "friends" could see it. They told their mom that night. She knew us..she could have CALLED us and told us. But she didn't. She went to school the next morning and told the principal and the officer that was there at the time. Maybe I would have done the same in their situation, but they fucked up my son's life...at least for awhile. The officer called me and said that when he got to school (he rides the bus), that they were going to check his backpack. I was fucking hysterical. I called Dave and told him to get his ass home from work. They, of course, found the gun....IF ONLY he would have missed the bus...I got up late and I made them hurry so they wouldn't miss it...IF ONLY I would have checked his backpack. I would have taken the gun out. I don't care if it was right or wrong for me to do that. I would have done that to protect my sweet baby. I got to the school and he was soooo scared and crying. He's only 11. He told them that he made sure the gun was "clear," because he didn't want to hurt anyone, he just wanted to feel safe since his dad left. I'm 5'8 and he's almost as tall as me and is just a big kid. But he's a teddy bear. They arrested him. But they let him walk out to the police car without cuffs. We were at the police station for hours. Then they said that he would have to go to Pueblo (aobut 2 hours away) to a youth detention center for at least 5 days. I thought I was going to die. I didn't want anything bad happening to my baby. We went down to see him on that Wednesday night and then there was a hearing over the phone on Thursday. He was able to come home, but with an ankle bracelet on. He had court on September 21st. He had to wear the ankle bracelet for another month and he got two years of probation, 60 hours of community service, he will have counseling, plus some kind of support for all of us. I don't know. If he gets in trouble in those two year, he can be removed from the home. He was expelled from school...he's only in the 5th grade..they could have expelled him for up to a year, but the superintendent had letters from Phillip's teachers saying that he is a sweet child, that he shouldn't be away from school. But he had to expel him since that is the law. So he goes back January 6th. But how will he adapt? How will the kids treat him? This is a small town. He doesn't deserve this shit. He had just started band and was really enjoying that. They sent homework home for him to do...but it's like he has just given up. He sleeps all day. He can't sleep at night...I think he's afraid that something bad will happen to us at night without Dave being here, so he can't sleep. He doesn't do his homework, loses his temper easily. He cries and tells me that he doesn't care if Dave and I fight, he just wants his daddy to be home. It kills me. Dave loves him, but he doesn't know how hard it is to listen to Phillip cry and want him home. He doesn't cry to Dave. Maybe he thinks he wouldn't care, I don't know. Dave is so much about Gracie. Talks to her constantly on the phone. Texts her. He took the kids trick-or-treating with me and I asked him if it bothered him at all that this would probably be his last Halloween with his kids...that next year and all the years to come, he would be with her and her kids. He just gave me that look...the one where he just closes himself off from me. I was with him for 12 1/2 years and I don't who he is anymore or how he can just be so cold to me sometimes. He used to cry that couldn't live without me. Then he just one day decided that he CAN live without me and he leaves. What is that shit? Then on November 6th, he went to Denver again to spend the weekend. The kids and I dealt with it. On the way back on Sunday, he texts me and asks if we can talk. So I met him at a lake near here. He was crying and upset and saying that he didnt' know what the fuck he was thinking. That he loves his boys and can't leave them, that he can't hurt them anymore than he already has. That he loves me too and never stopped. That he misses all of us...misses his family. That we could make it work. I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said not if it meant hurting the kids anymore. So all that day, I was like in shock, didn't know what to think. Didn't know how things would work out. But was happy that he was finally showing some feelings. THEN WHAM...later that day, he gets a text from her saying that she can't deal with being away from him and that she would be willing to move down here to be with him!! Then all of a sudden, he's "over" me again. I told him how much it hurt and what was all the crap he told me earlier in the day and he said something like "well I didn't know she was going to do this." WTF does that have to do with anything??? So everything that he told me was just bullshit? At least where I was concerned? I was like second choice? He was willing to "settle" for me??? I dont' want that. Either love me and want to be with me or just leave me alone. He says he loves her. His sisters say that she will never be welcome in their houses...but will they change their minds to keep the peace? Am I just out of the family that I love? I don't know. My mom and step-dad, my sister and my nieces have loved him for years too and it's not only like he abandoned me and quit caring about me, but them as well. He barely talks to them. Maybe he feels ashamed. I don't know. But I think it fucking sucks that he just gave everything for her. So then I was pissed off and told him how I felt and he just lets it go in one ear and out the other. If I talk about anything serious...the kids, money, the house...he gets irate with me. He said that he would take care of us still. That he would pay the mortgage and the bills. Well then they started garnishing his wages for medical bills, so we are like 3 months behind on the mortgage. If I lose this house, I will never forgive him. I told him that it's all well and good that she's willing to move down here for him, but that it's gonna be pretty ironic if we lose the house and the kids and I have to move somewhere else, because we can't afford to live here. Rent is as much as our mortgage is. I don't even know where we would go. That worries me and he says that he's trying to take care of it. But that doesn't help me right now. He paid like one bill in September and a couple in October. I don't even know what the hell he paid this month. I told him that I can't just sit around and wait til the house is in foreclosure to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I told him that I would give him to the 1st of the year, then I'll just have to figure out what the kids and I are going to do. I applied for food stamps a month ago and still don't have any. When Phillip goes back to school, I will have to get a part-time job again. I'm on Social Security, so I can make up to a certain amount. If it wasn't for my Social Security right now, things would be even worse. He gave me money this month (I made sure he did), but that doesn't mean he will continue to do so. He says he's going to file for bankruptcy, but that's like $1200...where is he going to get that kind of money??? I talked to a lawyer and they said that he should file for bankruptcy before I file for legal separation. So I don't know what the hell to do. If he decides to move to Denver, then I will file for legal separation soon...so he HAS to pay for the boys at least. I can't trust him enough to send me money after he's in Denver and around her. Even if she moves here, I don't know how he's going to pay for a place for them to rent or own, plus pay me. But that's his problem. I told him that he wasn't going to end up with much money, but he won't listen to me. I don't know what will happen and that is a lot of stress. I have been doing people I shouldn't be doing....but none of it helps. So I don't need the one night stands and all the crap that people want from me. I will be OK on my own in the end. Though it's hard right now. I have never really been on my own before. If it wasn't for my mom now, the boys and I couldn't have made it this far. I owe her a lot of money and a lot of thanks for helping me like she has.
With the Holidays coming up....it's just hard. Plus my house is a mess and I do mean a mess. I just haven't felt like dealing with it. I was going for walks to help with the stress and depression, but haven't gone on one in days. I need to tomorrow. It's just so cold out now.:( Then to top everything off...he still wants to have sex with me and I usually let him. I still love him, even if he doesn't love me and he's still MY husband. I won't sign divorce papers, because he's NOT going to marry her or anyone else. Yes I can be a bitch and a big one too.

5 months??!!

Can't believe that it's been 5 months since I last wrote here. A lot has happened in that time. I should have been writing here all the time. It might have helped. Well Dave (hubby) and I are separated now. He moved out on August 17th. Is living with his sister here in town. Blindsided it an understatement. Yes, we were in an "open relationship," but it was STILL a relationship. Only problem was, he was only seeing one person...Gracie (real name Michelle). She lives in Denver. In July, she started pressuring him...she couldn't do "this" anymore, because she was in love with him, etc. So we're sitting in McDonald's drive-thru the night of August 7th. I was messing around and had asked him this a zillion times in our 12 1/2 years together.."you would never leave me, right?" Instead of him saying that he would NEVER do that to me and that he loved me with all his heart...he looks at me and says "I don't know." WTF??? So since that night, my life has been strange, different, off it's axis...however you want to put it. Even after we decided he should move out for awhile and see what he wanted (he kept going back and forth..he wanted to stay, wanted to go, etc.)...has just been a mess. Our 12th wedding anniversary was on August 23rd...he told me on THAT day that he wanted to be with HER. That it's just something he HAD to do. Let's just say he could have gotten me for domestic violence if he wanted to...even though it was just a couple of shoves. I was SOOOOO mad and hurt. My 40th birthday was August 31st...needless to say, it sucked. There has been more drama since then, but I will write about that soon. Just wanted to put an update in here.

Where do I begin.....

OK, are you ready for this??LOL It continues to be a crazy ride. Let's see...on Saturday night (6th), I'm supposed to meet this 23 year old guy, Marc, at a hotel and stay the night with him. Hubby says that's fine. Well I could kind of tell before I left that it wasn't, but the guy was already here, so what to do?? I went to see him...well OK...there are good things and bad things about younger guys..LOL He was sweet and all...but pretty quick, if you know what I mean. Then I'm thinking "what am I going to do for the next 10 hours or so??" Well that didn't come to pass, so I was a bit relieved about that (as was hubby). Marc got a text from his babys' mom, saying that she had gotten stung by a bee and was really sick. They needed his insurance card and money from him (deductible) before they would release her from the ER. Oh, btw, they aren't together.LOL So he had to leave anyhow. But before this, he says "I'm hungry, I think I'll run to Taco Bell." He didn't offer to get me anything, so I did ask for a Pepsi...I thought MAYBE he would be nice and bring something back for me too...nope. It was actually pretty funny. I'm just thinking "wow, you have a lot to learn." He came back and ate and left. Said the room was already paid for, so if I wanted to stay I could (so thoughtful). I stayed for a few and then went on home. Was his daughter really sick? I have no idea. But regardless, I'm glad I didn't have to spend the whole night with him.

Then today....well I guess yesterday now...I went to Colorado Springs to see someone. Really into him and liked him. We have been talking for awhile and believe me, he knows what to say. Had fun, went to lunch, drove around and just hung out. Everything was great. He's married, but she sees other people too. So I'm not exactly sure what went "wrong." I get a voicemail first saying what a good time he had and all and then another one later, saying his wife found out about some things and she's pissed. That he will try to contact me later. OK, there are some things I'm leaving out here. I hesitate to write them, because if hubby found out....the guy is black and I'm white. Hubby doesn't want me anywhere near black guys and his wife doesn't want him anywhere near white girls...both of them are Hispanic. So we were just going to remain friends, but I don't know if that's possible now. It makes me sad, because he's a really nice guy....but in the end, maybe it's for the best. Society still frowns on interracial couples/friends or whatever. I think it's crazy, but that's just me. So we'll see how all of that goes.

Ken and I still talk and he wants to continue our relationship, though we hardly ever see each other.

Miss Frank, but have managed to leave him alone. He told me that I could write to him sometimes and he would read them, but couldn't promise to respond. Guess that's better than nothing, right? Or is it?

As for the diet...it sucks and I have no willpower.:(

The anti-depressants seem to be helping some...at least I don't feel like sleeping all the time.

I give up...

I give up trying to understand guys. Seriously. They want you there..but they don't, they want to talk to you..but not too much and only when it's good for them, they say we give them mixed signals...hell what do they think that they do to us?? They can call you "baby" or whatever, but please don't call them anything like that. Darren doesn't write to me pretty much for the whole month of May..maybe a sentence or two if that. Then I get two lengthy emails...which I'm NOT complaining about. He just wants to be friends, don't think we should meet again (which is fine), but he couldn't tell me this sooner?? So I would understand what was going on?? Then I don't write back right away and he's concerned that I'm mad at him....how many of MY emails didn't he answer??? So whatever. Then Tom...OK I called him babe a few times...I call a lot of people that. But I guess last night he was talking to some girl and said he didn't have a girlfriend or wife..which he doesn't...and I had texted like "night babe." Well he explained to me today that that is NOT ok, etc. Well fuck that. Whatever. Yes I like that word.:) He hurt my feelings..but they are hurt easily these days...he said he was sorry, that he didn't mean to do that. But I have come to the realization, that it would be better off if I never see him again...just be friends on here and that's that. Sex confuses everything. Then there's Ken...him and his wife are going to New York in a week or so because it's their 25th wedding anniversary...yes I feel like shit. BUT I do like him and I'm not the only one in this. Yes I'm justifying my actions. Anyhow, I'm backing off from that too. Can be friends on here and that's it. Good thing they live far away. Otherwise I don't know if I could stick to it. THEN there is Frank..one of the best friends that I ever had. It's the one that hurts the most. Wasn't even sexual. I'm having a hard time backing off and leaving him alone...feeling a bit like Glenn Close here.LOL But there's nothing I can do about it...so I have come to the realization. It hurts and pisses me off. Plus I have no idea how to contact anyone to tell them he may be suicidal. OK, enough craziness for now.:)

Tuesday evening

Well talked on IM to Frank briefly yesterday morning. Said that he enjoyed our time together and that he would never forget me. I told him how much I would miss him, etc. But I guess that he is really serious this time. There have been other times that he was kinda like this, but not to this extent. It's hard not to contact him at all. I miss him. We talked practically every day on IM for 4 months and now nothing. I hate it. I told him to please not block me on IM and that I wouldn't bother him and he said that he doesn't block anyone. That's how it ended. What else could I say? Beg and plead for him not to kick me out of his life?? Yes I thought about it, but what good would it do? He told me that being friends with me is "draining." Gee, thanks. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you no matter what?? I'm so sad. Anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he was so lonely and that he was going to kill himself. He had made me promise before he told me that that I wouldn't tell anyone. Then he changed him mind about doing it. Well, I don't know that he has. So now that he really doesn't have anyone to talk to...should I try to find some of his family, his ex-wife, a friend of his and tell them??? What do I have to lose, right? I already lost his friendship. So I will probably see what I can do. I don't want him dying.

Then Darren had sent me a rambling note last night. I had sent him a "religious" forward and so he told me what he thought of it. He wasn't mean or rude and hell at least he wrote something finally. Told me somewhat of how he feels. But I don't see our "friendship" continuing.

I'm not good at this NSA (no strings attached) sex. I'm obviously not made that way. If I don't hear from Tom or Ken for awhile...I'm just like "whatever." That's not the way it's supposed to be. Wasnt' supposed to bring more drama into my life. So, though I will probably see a 23 year old this weekend, I think besides that, I have to slow down. I don't see the point. I need more of the friendship aspect of it and most guys can't give that. What I seem to want is a husband AND a boyfriend. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

So this blog may be some about the "lifestyle," but for the most part, it will now also be about my battle with depression (and it IS a battle) and the battle with my weight. I went to the Mental Health Center today for an intake evaluation. I'll see the guy in a couple of weeks. Until then, they are going to start me on Celexa. I hope it helps and doesn't have a lot of side effects. He says that is sounds like I have "moderate" depression. Hell I wouldn't want to know what "severe" depression feels like!!:(

As for the weight...well I'm huge.LOL Have A LOT to go. First is 60 lbs. that I gained the past few years and then we'll go from there. I turn 4o on August 31st, so am hoping to be down at least that much by then. I've started to exercise some..walking and weights...will add aerobics as well. I just really have to watch what I eat. I did well yesterday, but today...all I want to DO is eat.:(

Sunday morning

Well home today. Need to get back to reality and deal with it all. May call the mental health place again and just tell them that I need some help, but that I can't pay. I don't know.

Well...didn't go see Frank last night. He texted me about 9:30pm and told me to come over, that he was on the way home from the party. He was drunk...can you believe that? Anyhow...I told him that I couldn't see that well after dark and he told me to quit being silly, but I told him that I really couldn't and that I could see him this morning before I left. Well he texted me this morning and told me that I'm a good person, but he's done with our friendship, that he has to do what's best for him. I'm tired of people leaving. Anyway, I texted back and told him that I would miss him, that he was one of the best friends I ever had. He never texted me back. So that's that. Then Darren...he sent me an e-mail yesterday saying that he might have a few minutes to come by this morning, but don't count on it. Why even bother to say that?? So 3 people are out of my life this weekend...Steve, Frank and Darren. I will miss Frank the most, then Darren. Steve...well he can kiss my ass.

Ken came by at 10:00pm last night and stayed until about 1:15am. It was nice. He brought massage oil and gave me a massage!! Then he gave me $40 towards the room...wow!!! He didn't have to do that, but that's soooo cool that he did. It was nice...I like talking to him, cuddling with him, etc. He is on his way to San Diego for business today. Won't be back from there until Wednesday. He has a busy month ahead. So I really don't plan on seeing him or Tom anytime in June. Maybe July or August.

I feel like I"m going to freak out...the money situation is bad. Maybe I should just become a real whore and start charging. I'm only half joking.

Too easy...

Some guys...it would be too easy to fall in love with, I think. Anyway, drove to Denver yesterday and got myself lost again..lol. I could get lost inside a box. Anyhow, found the hotel. Then Dave wasn't too far behind me. We went to a nearby Wal-Mart to get Dave some shoes...forgot to pack his. He wore his work boots up here..he's so silly.

Has problems with the credit cards when I got here...such idiots. Luckily I had enough cash. Then today, I was able to use one of the cards. So embarrassing though. I figure when we get home, there will be no money left for bills or anything else. It will be the 2nd month of missing the house payment. I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

Was supposed to meet Steve, BUT he didn't like where I was staying! Wanted me to stay at the Marriott again.....well couldn't afford that. Said he would give me $30, but who is he to dictate to me where to stay?! Said he didn't feel comfortable staying here....La Quinta Inn. What in the hell is that about?? Pretty much said if I didn't stay at the Marriott, then he wouldn't see me. Then he got all nice again. Well I sent him a text saying that I wasn't going to be able to make it up this weekend after all. Just pissed me off. So he sent me a text last night saying that "let's just call it a one night stand and move on with our lives. It's been nice knowing you. Peace." Some crap like that. All this about being friends and us talking..guess it was just bunch of bull. Whatever. I wasn't looking forward to seeing him all that much anyhow. After I saw Tom last week, I wanted to see him again.:)

Got an e-mail from Darren saying that he had family plans today and that he wouldn't be able to meet me for lunch or anything...the way he put it...pretty much dismissed me. So I don't know if I will even try to keep up that "friendship." Right now, it hardly seems worth it.

THEN Frank (my friend in Denver)...well I don't know what his problem is. If I don't text or call him back right away, he gets all weird. Told me he had had enough, that he was taking a break from me, that he was done, etc. That I was "too crazy." WTF??? So then I'm trying to accept that and he texts me back and says after he gets home from the party tonite, that he will text me and maybe we can hang out for awhile...I'm pretty sure I'm not driving anywhere after dark. I don't need to get myself lost again and expect Dave to "save" me. Speaking of Dave, he has texted me some today. But I try not to think about him too much. He's with Gracie and I don't even want to deal with that. He's on the other side of the hotel.

Tom (from Greeley) got here around 6:30pm. We went to dinner at a nice Mexican Restaurant....they had a marachi (sp?) band. It was pretty cool.:) Tom is SOOOOO funny. Makes me laugh a lot. Then we came back to the hotel and had sex and just talked. So nice. Ordered the movie "Twilight." I loved it..now I can see what all the hype is about.:) He fell asleep during it (he had already seen it), but I finished it and then went to bed. Messed around a little this morning and then went to breakfast at a truck stop...usually they have good food...but not so much today.LOL Then just came back here and hung out and watched TV. He slept for a little bit, before heading back to Greeley..about an hour away. Then we went by Taco Bell, got some food and sat in the car and ate it and talked some more. See what I mean about getting too attached? Who knows when I will see him again. I miss hanging out with him. He's a cool person. I know I get too close when I start thinking about who else he is seeing and feeling a bit of jealousy.:( So I need to back off a bit.

Sorry to move around so much like that..I tend to write things down as I think of them.

Ken is supposed to be coming by later tonight. Not sure what time. He had to work for awhile. It's like 7:45pm now. Probably not until at least 10:00pm. Frank is supposed to call or text around 9:00pm or so. I'm sure he will be pissed that I can't come see him. But he's the one that said I was too crazy and that he was done with me. How does he expect me to feel after that? I want to see Ken, but I miss Tom a bit. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm seeing Ken. Can't dwell on one guy. Tom isn't interested in anything beyond sex and friendship. Which is how it should be.

I don't know how things will turn out with Dave and I. It's just a day to day thing. I know he loves me and I love him. But is that enough? Guess we will just continue on the journey and see how it goes.

Will I Ever....?

I don't think that this big empty space inside of me will ever be filled. Not with happiness, not with fulfillment, not with anything. I don't know what to do to make it go away. Nothing helps. Not food, not sex...haven't tried drugs yet and won't. With my luck, they would kill me the first time.LOL OK, not so funny, but you understand what I'm saying.
I'm SOOOO stressed out. The house is a mess, the kids are loud..fighting all the time...don't listen to me, etc. I'm just sooo over it. Then the panic attacks..well haven't had any for a long time....but that was because I was on anti-depressants. Now that I'm not...well today was the first one I've had in a long time. It wasn't full blown, but it was bad enough...feeling hot inside, numb, out of control, etc. I hate them. Why can't I be happy??? Why can't I not worry about everything under the friggin' sun??? Why can't I just "go with the flow??" Why do I want everyone to like me?? Why am I not happy with the way things are in my life?

OK, whatever, right? I'm sure I just need to chill out, but how to do that?? A guy killed himself here last weekend...only like 27...had been in Iraq...maybe just couldn't deal anymore. It's always in the back of my mind...a release, an escape. But I can't and I won't...I have my kids and I have to not be selfish. Even hubby would miss me. Though I can't be easy to live...he has stood by me. I lucked out on that.

Met Ken on Tuesday (26th). Was really cool. He's a nice guy and I really do like him. We went out to lunch and then went ahead and got a hotel room. Wanted to hang out for a few hours. It was raining and options were limited. OK, some excuse, right?LOL I feel weird writing about some things here now. But will do to some extent anyhow. He's a good kisser. Made me feel good. He actually cared if he pleased me or not. Wow...that is a first...well my husband always makes sure...but as for the other guys...not so much. He told me to "not fake it." Surprisingly, I didn't have to...shock of all shocks. We didn't have actual sex though....for various reasons. He likes to cuddle too, which is good, because so do I. There are certain guys that I have to be careful with..would be easy to fall for them. I plan on seeing him Saturday night again while I'm in Denver. Then not sure when I will see him again. There are other guys a bit closer who want to see me again...but ironically I don't want to see them. Well one or two, but that's it. This is like another addiction for me. It used to be food..now it's sex with random partners. What the hell is my problem??? Do I feel better after I do it? No not usually. Still lonely. Which is really stupid. Have no reason to be lonely.

Then today...Nick wanted to see me. He had to come to town for some other things (he only lives like an hour away). He is one of them that I saw on the 13th. There is nowhere to go around here that is private. If you don't want to get a room, options are pretty limited. SOOO, there is another cemetery nearby that is pretty remote. We went there, talked a little and then had sex....he has a pickup...anyway..interesting to do it outside at a cemetery no doubt. It wasn't bad. Wish we had more time and all.

Monday afternoon

OK...I forgot to mention yesterday that I have heard from Darren. Just a couple of times, but he was sweet and says he misses me too. Just hope he gets over his feelings of depression or whatever soon so that he will talk to me more. I know, I can be quite selfish. LOL THEN I was thinking that this coming weekend was Memorial Day Weekend..not this one. So when I said we were going to Denver over Memorial Day weekend, I was wrong.:)

Ken has been texting and calling me.:) I love hearing from him. He is on his way home today. Then I will see him tomorrow..or that is the plan. He is worried that once we meet in person, that I won't like him. I just hope that we both live up the each others "standards" or whatever. I really like him as a person. I look forward to this weekend. It will be nice to just get away and forget about things for awhile.

Still haven't gotten the refund back on my credit card yet and, of course, they are closed today. We need some money. Just stressed. I was really depressed yesterday, so just tried to be by myself some. Read a little. I just have to deal with it on my own at times.

Today is so-so. The house is a mess, I haven't taken a shower yet (it's 2:00pm!). I really need to snap out of it somehow. Just don't feel like doing anything. Someone help me!!

Sunday morning

I'm horrible about writing in this and will have to be better!LOL On May 19th, I drove to Canon City and met a guy from Pueblo...Steve. He's 56...yes beyond what I will now go...but I have been talking to him for awhile and we are good friends. We went to lunch and then to a hotel. He kisses awesome. The thing with older guys...have a hard time keeping it up. But had fun and we both want to see each other again. He's a good guy.

On May 20th, a guy named Tom, from Greeley..drove all the way down here just to see me. He's 39 (a few months younger than me) He got a room and I went over to see him. He was awesome. Kinda on the heavy side, but cute and funny. Had awesome sex and then we drove to Buena Vista for a nice dinner. Can't really have dinner around here since everyone knows everyone. Same up there too..but not as bad. Then we drove back...listened to some Nickelback (who I love) and he even held my hand while we were in the car. So sweet. Good thing he doesn't live closer, might be easy to fall for him. Went back to the hotel and had sex one more time and then I had to leave. Hubby has been pretty understanding about all of this for sure.

Supposed to meet a guy from Gunnison here tomorrow...he's 21! But we will see. I have "met" a guy that I talk a lot too and he actually makes me feel something other than just lust. Treats me really well. Says that when we are together, he'll always help pay...believe me, it's not always that way. His name is Ken and he's from Denver. He's 47. He went to Taos, NM this weekend for a motorcycle thing...it would have been cool to go.:) Him and his friends drive back to Denver tomorrow and then he plans on driving down here on Tuesday to see me! We're not having sex that day..we both have decided that. I'll be in Denver this coming weekend and we will see each other then. So will see how it goes from there. He's married and has been for almost 25 years. His wife was in a car accident about 5 years ago and they haven't been able to have sex since. I think he likes having me in his life and vice versa, because it's new and he says he hasn't felt wanted in a long time. Will have to wait and see how it goes. Then I think I'm just gonna chill out. Not going to try to find any more guys just because I have permission. I have had plenty the past few months and I don't like being with so many guys. I'm hoping to narrow it down to 2-3. I know that sounds weird, but they don't live around here, so I wouldn't see any of them on a regular basis. Dave is going to Denver this weekend too to see the woman he sees...Gracie.

I think more than sex, I just like kissing, hanging out, and just getting to know someone. The sex isn't always all that great. Of course I don't tell them that..lol.

There are a few guys who want to see me again, but I just don't see it happening. I'm not all that attracted, though I like them as people. Frank in Denver, Jeff in Vail and Lee in Pueblo. Just don't know how to tell them that without sounding like a bitch.

On to other things..I was supposed to start seeing a "shrink" on the 19th, but didn't go. I just can't afford $105 every time I go. I know I need some help, but not sure now how to go about that. I cry at the drop of a hat it seems. Irritated easily. Take things too personally, etc. Will just have to learn to deal with it for awhile.

Was supposed to take the kids to see WWE in Colorado Springs on the 26th, but it was cancelled. I think it's BS that they cancelled all 3 Colorado events, just because they couldn't play at the Pepsi Center since the Nuggets are playing there. So I could either mail my tickets in or go to the Springs to get a refund. I drove down Friday to get it, because I don't trust that the tickets would get there and that they would refund the money...it is $250! But it was off my credit card, so they credited it back, but won't show up for a few days.:( We need the money now really. Oh well. Will have to deal with it. The weather was pretty bad when I drove down there, so I just went down and back. It's 2 hours each way.

It's been a cloudy, cool, rainy weekend. I like it really. Just want to stay in bed and sleep. Good sleeping weather!!LOL

Time Marches On

Well the guy I want to hear from...Darren...he has his own problems to deal with and pretty much told me he can't deal with mine too...so whatever. He'll write when "he feels better." So I don't plan on hearing from him for awhile if ever. Then there is Steve...the 25 year old. He's just awesome. We talk a lot on messenger. Dave and I are planning on going to Denver over Memorial Day weekend. Steve wants me there sooner, but I can't. Just no way. But his roommate will be out of town, so I may be able to stay the night there. That would be cool as it would save some money on a hotel room. He tells me I'm beautiful and all...so sweet. I know, don't get too attached. I have decided that I like younger guys a lot more than older. The oldest that I will go now is like 45. Any older...ya know I don't want to have to work that hard.LOL
I'm talking to another 25 year old in Denver now....Ryan. He is soooo cute!!! Very sweet. So we will see. I need to pick one or two and stay with them. I hate choosing anything or making decisions, but I need to. Can't be sleeping with all these people. Though I really can't seem to control myself at the moment. Then there's Ken in Pueblo. Says he will "host" and pay for my gas down there and everything. That I could stay the night and he would take me to dinner, etc. Wow...that's a new thing. THEN there's another guy. I won't say his name because he lives in a small town not too far from me. He's married and all. He's hot and sweet. Decisions, decisions. I never had this "problem" before. I wasn't popular when I was younger. I've always been heavier and never got that much attention from guys. So this is new to me and right now, I'm just enjoying it, though I need to chill out a bit.

Yesterday was a major "ho" day though...actually felt pretty disgusting. What are the odds that there would be 3 guys in town at the same time who wanted to see me? First there was an older guy from Pueblo....Lee. Was OK...he's a sweet guy, but won't see him again. We had sex...he got a hotel room. He drove up just to see me. I guess I felt "obligated" since he did that. I didn't really enjoy that as much as I could have had I not felt that way. Then there was the cute guy from the town nearby. WOW! OK, I gave him a bj at the cemetery!!LOL No where else to go. I really like him and hope to see him again someday. THEN there was a guy off of an adult site that I hadn't even really talked to before that was going thru town...I went to see him. He's older and looks older as well. I gave him a bj too. I will NEVER do stupid crap like that again. I felt so "icky" after everything. Just wish it would have been the small town guy and that's it. I'm totally out of control.

Whatever.....

Ya know, I'm sooo tired of the craziness. I don't know exactly what is going on between hubby and his "woman." You know, we had an agreement that we wouldn't get attached to anyone. I don't know if he is, she is, both are, etc. But I'm stressing. Like that's new. He has reassured me that they're "just friends," that he would never leave me, etc. So right now, I have to believe him. Until he proves that I can't. He's always messing around and being silly...being nosey..grabbing my phone and looking at the texts on there. I did that to him last night and I thought he was going to flip out. So what is going on?? I have no idea. He says the she sometimes tells him that she "loves" him, but it's only as a friend. But he didn't want me to get the "wrong" idea. Whatever. I'm just soooo over guys right now.

The one I want to hear from...hasn't written since Sunday night. The other one (25 year old) may fuck a co-worker. Well that's fine, because there are no strings...BUT I told him he doesn't use protection with her...then we're not doing anything again. He said he would...but like I trust that. So now I feel that I have to begin the process of letting them BOTH go. It seems like they don't need or particularly want ME in their lives, so there's no sense in me trying to be, right?

I just hate it when people "leave" me, but I'll get over it.

Well off to call the shrink now and see if I can get an appt.

Need help I guess

I am going to see about talking to a therapist. I need something...I've had depression off and on since I was 15. This blog really wasnt't supposed to be about that, but I feel that I have to vent. I can't push it off on my "friends." I do and I know it's wrong. Makes me look "needy." Nobody likes a needy person. I feel sooo lost inside...empty and sad. I have become this person that I don't even know. I used to find joy in at least SOME things. Now it's like I can't find any and I don't even care. The house is a MESS...I don't care about it. Don't know where to start. So it's easier to just not deal with it. I get the kids up for school and then I go back to bed until whenever. I don't even WANT to get out of bed. Either that, or I go on the computer at like 8:00am and get off of it around 2:00pm! So I can take a shower and get "ready" before my husband gets home! The bills are due...really have to work at writing the checks for them and mailing them out. I have been the "bill payer" since we've been married! I have never had that problem before. I have been like this since January. I love to read..always have...but now find that I can't even concentrate enough to do that. I know I'm all over the place here right now. Can't help it. Too much going on in my head. I feel like screaming. I don't know what to do with myself. Right now, I just want to FEEL BETTER. Somebody HAS to be able to help me, right?? IDK. I messed up with the kids "Memory Books" and I feel SOOO bad....I know that I need to be more organized. But this..I just can't get past right now. I feel that Memory Books from school (or yearbooks) are important to have. I was supposed to order them (need 2) in March and I forgot. Now it's too late and they don't have any extras!!!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I was taking Cymbalta for depression and then she put me on Wellbutrin as well. But she's just a nurse practioner, not a therapist. She never checked up on me. The Cymbalta wasn't helping, so I stopped taking it. I just need to find someone to talk to and who can help me get "out of my head."

I did it anyway

You know how I said I wasn't going to meet the guy from Vail? Well, of course, I did. I don't know what my problem is (besides wanting sex).LOL I drove to Leadville where he met me. I left my van there and he drove to his place in Vail...like an hour away! Crazy. Anyway, he's a nice guy BUT he's too skinny and short for me..lol. I feel like a friggin' Amazon. Anyway, he has a gf in Denver, but he only sees her like once a week (you think he could wait). She has no idea that he's "playing." Yet he is planning on moving in with her in October. OK, we get to his place...now I know Vail is expensive...but he pays $750 a month for a box!LOL OK, maybe a little bigger...not much though. Very tiny place. The bed is in the loft...which barely has room for any movement at all. The ladder to the loft is straight up. Yes I got my fat ass up there...lol. Not an easy thing to do. Luckily he had to go to the bathroom, so I did that before he got out, so I wouldn't embarrass myself. He kisses OK (being a good kisser is a plus with me). Says all the "right" things...I smell good, how pretty I am, etc. Knows how to turn me on. By the time we did anything, I was soooo ready. As for the sex itself...I don't know. He's "good," but not great. He does like to cuddle and talk afterwards....which is cool. Awwwwww. LOL Then he drove me back to Leadville. Says he would like to see me again and we could get a room in Leadville. I don't know if I want to see him again in that way. I don't want to hurt his feelings though. Who knows.

If you want more steamy details about my encounters, you will have to let me know. I'm not going to force that on anyone..lol

I have been talking to a guy in Denver for a couple of months now and we met at the end of last month. He's 25. WOW! Went for 6 hours!!! I have never done that in my life! It was awesome. We IM each other. I will see him again at the end of the month when we head to Denver again. He would like for me to be there sooner, but can't do it this time. He is a great kisser, is all about pleasing me. He's FINE. He's taller than me...which is a plus. He was worried about me getting to clingy. It's funny, because I think that both of us are "involved." No way I would be clingy anyhow. I'm married with 3 kids!LOL

Then there's THE guy. He lives in Denver as well (maybe I should move??). He's married with kids. His wife doesn't know. He's taller than me and HOT. He came to the hotel to meet me last time I was in Denver. Had a couple of drinks and then went back to my room. He couldn't stay long, but it was awesome. Before we met...a lot of e-mails between us and he was always telling me how he felt and what was going on in his life. Then after...well not so much. He DOES write, but not sharing anything with me. Tells me not to stop e-mailing him, to just give him some time, because he doesn't feel good physically or mentally right now. To hang in there and be patient. So I will. I just like him A LOT. I think he likes me that way too. Neither one of us will leave our families. I just like talking to him. I hate checking my e-mail and there being nothing from him...even a short message is better than none (but not much). So will have to wait and see how that goes.

Sunday Night

I'm in one of those "moods" I get too often. I don't want to talk to anyone...yet feel the need to be held and taken care of. It's crazy. I don't know where these feelings come from. Nights are sometimes worse. Just feel like my soul is lonely. So dramatic, I know.

The boys, hubby and I went to Colorado Springs for the weekend. It's our annual vacation.:) It was fun and nice to get away. The boys had a good time and so did we. I like the family time that we get..wish we could have more of it...just us. The boys will be grown and out of the house in the blink of an eye. Then where will I be? Lost. Wait, am I not lost now? Not really. I have my lonely, confused moments, but I know that people love me and care about me and that helps. One day, those people won't be here...don't even like to think about that.

I'm supposed to meet a guy from Vail tomorrow. I don't know if I will or how that will go. He's 52. Older than I would like, but he may end up being a great guy. I have met some cool male friends thru all of this and for that I'm thankful. I think that I need too much attention though. So just finding "one other guy" isn't plausible for me. I need variety and excitement. I suppose that makes me a slut...but it is what it is. I always look forward to new encounters and the rush of meeting someone for the first time...the chemistry, the feeling I get inside...but afterwards...I don't feel so great about myself. Though I have no intention of stopping..so I bring it on myself.

To start with....

It's hard to explain how things came to be this way..so mostly I'll just write what is going on in my day to day life. Just go from there. I've been married for 11 years. We have 3 sons ages 11, 7, 5. Hubby and I love each other, but have grown a bit bored I guess and decided to add some excitement to our lives. So, although we don't really swing yet....not together...we have been doing other people. Well I especially have. He has one person. I've a more than that. I was totally faithful until like March of this year. Now I'm just addicted to sex with other men. I like the excitement, the adrenaline rush, the newness of it all. I like different men desiring me. There are those of you who won't agree with my lifestyle and I respect that. Nobody is making you read this. I will have to live with any consequences there may be.