I want to thank the two people who reached out to me and left comments on here. I only posted one of the comments, but only because the other one had the persons' e-mail address and I wasn't sure they wanted that published. Thank you both for caring enough to say something.
I feel a bit better. I realize that I can't hold on to something that is already gone. Why should I be concerned about "losing" my best friend, when he gave that up long ago? I know that I have to start forgiving myself for anything that I had done that led to the end of my marriage, I need to start trying to forgive Dave and I guess also Gracie. Otherwise, this pain, hurt and anger won't ever go away. It's not going to be easy, but I believe that I can make it thru. I still may get professional help though, so I can talk it thru. Yes I have a few friends that I can talk to, but I'm sure they are getting tired of hearing about it. When did I decide all of this? I guess it was yesterday. Tuesday night...I couldn't sleep, I hadn't been eating much (which isn't a worry), but I just thought I was going to go crazy. I finally fell asleep. When I woke up, I was thinking about it and it just doesn't make sense for me to be so torn up over this when he's not. I did ask him again why he left and he said that he just wasn't "in love" anymore. So I guess now I know. But does anyone stay "in love" for the entire length of their marriage? I don't know. I DO think that we could have gone to counseling and tried to work thru it, but he decided to do what he did, so I just need to accept that and let it go. I know it won't be easy making the house payment on my own now. I know it won't be easy being pretty much a single parent, but I will do my best. Not much else I can do. I know suicide isn't the answer. I know the devastation that it leaves behind and I can't do that to my kids, my family, friends and other people who care about me. I just need to keep that in mind when I'm feeling so down that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
On other note...I lost 6 lbs this week!!! I have been trying the low carb thing again and I've pretty much been sticking to it. I have also started using my Richard Simmons DVD's. I have all 4 of them (I think that's all there was) and I do each for 3 days, then go to the next one. I just started on the 2nd one today (I had skipped a day this week). The 2nd one about kicks my butt! My youngest son, Matthew, did some of it with me. So that was cool.:) I wish my oldest would do that too. He's the one with the weight problem.:( Maybe eventually I will be able to talk him into it. This is the first time since I started recording my weight on here that I have been below 310 lbs. I plan on going down from here. I had gotten down to 290 lbs in September 2010, but slowly let myself get all the way up to 317 lbs. again. I refuse to gain back all the weight I have lost since my all time high of 350 lbs.
It's been beautiful out here! I love that it's almost Spring!! The kids have Spring Break the week of the 26th. So I really want to work on getting my house clean before then. It's a MESS. I don't even know where to start, but I can't live like this and the kids shouldn't have to. Just too much junk. I'm going to get rid of a lot of it and things I want to keep, but I don't need out, I will box up and put in storage.
I hope everyone is having a good week.
.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE THIS HARD...
I feel so out-of-control sometimes. So angry, upset, pissed off that I don't know what to do with myself. Dave and I had an argument last night on the phone..why can't I just accept this?? Today we have texted some, but basically...I don't even know. I just want some answers I guess. I texted him this big old long thing..I will write it here as well. I'm just tired of hurting, ya know? So here it is:
I need to ask this. How can you just kick me out of your life after 15+ years? How can you just stop talking to me and caring about me after all that time? I don't understand. I guess some people can do it, but I can't. How did you stop caring about me and wanting me in your life? I really need to know. It's important. I understand that you want to be with her, but did I mean so little to you that when you move you're going to ignore me or treat me like I don't exist? I don't get it. It's not all about me either. It's about the boys,. How can you just not be there for their programs, sports activities, their lives? I know you said that you would see them 'when you can,' but do you think that's OK with them? That their dad isn't at their games? What if it was that way when you were in sports? Wonder if your dad never came to any of your games or matches? How would you have felt? You need to put yourself in their place Dave. Yes I'm their mom and I will be there for them, but boys need their dad too. Not just every once in awhile, when "he can." I know you love them, but do you love her more? I don't get it. I could never pick someone over my kids. I could never find someone and then decide that 'hey I want to be with him, so you're going to have to live with your dad and I will see you when I get a chance." What THEY hear is 'I would rather be with this other person rather than you guys. Sorry but my happiness comes first.' You need to sit down with me and explain all of this to me Dave. It's unresolved. You can't just keep say 'I don't know.' That's not closure for me OR the boys. You have to be honest with us and yourself. WE were your family and we deserve that. Will it make me feel better? Probably not, but at least I would have some questions answered. If you care more about her than you care about your kids, then you need to say that. You have to tell me how you can just walk away from it all? You say that I can call you and/or text you. What are you going to do...sneak off to call or text me back? What are the boys and I supposed to do if we need you? Do you think that we just stopped caring about and needing you just because you stopped caring about our feelings and needing us? We didn't. You say I keep saying the same shit over and over. Well did you ever think that maybe it's because you have never given me any answers? You never want to talk to me. I don't know if it's her telling you what to do or not to do, or if it's just you. Quit saying you will ask her if you can be friends with me or whatever. If it's really YOU who doesn't want to be in my life, then just say it. You say that you two don't act like you're better than me, but you both do by the things that you say. I have apologized numerous times for the failure of our marriage and you haven't apologized ONCE even though you're the one that left. I know we can't go back Dave. But where is the respect? I'm the mother of your kids and you treat me like I'm nothing. I don't deserve that. I'm good enough to talk to and joke around with and be friends with when you want cigarettes, a pop or whatever, but I'm not good enough for those things any other time? You want me to accept her and that I will never do for numerous reasons. If you want a list, I can give that to you. You want me to just send my kids up there so she can take care of them and do whatever she wants to them while you're at work and I can't do that. Would you want me leaving them with some guy for hours at a time? Try to see this from my point of view."
There was a few more things, but that was the main part. I asked him if he would answer those questions for me and he said that he would, but that there were a lot of questions, so to give him some time. I'm like you've had 2 1/2 years. I'm just lost here. I think about suicide every day now. I love my kids. I love my family, my friends. I don't want to be dead. I just want this pain to go away. It should have by now. But I just couldn't let it go, so now I'm going thru this hell AGAIN. I barely made it thru the first time.
I need to ask this. How can you just kick me out of your life after 15+ years? How can you just stop talking to me and caring about me after all that time? I don't understand. I guess some people can do it, but I can't. How did you stop caring about me and wanting me in your life? I really need to know. It's important. I understand that you want to be with her, but did I mean so little to you that when you move you're going to ignore me or treat me like I don't exist? I don't get it. It's not all about me either. It's about the boys,. How can you just not be there for their programs, sports activities, their lives? I know you said that you would see them 'when you can,' but do you think that's OK with them? That their dad isn't at their games? What if it was that way when you were in sports? Wonder if your dad never came to any of your games or matches? How would you have felt? You need to put yourself in their place Dave. Yes I'm their mom and I will be there for them, but boys need their dad too. Not just every once in awhile, when "he can." I know you love them, but do you love her more? I don't get it. I could never pick someone over my kids. I could never find someone and then decide that 'hey I want to be with him, so you're going to have to live with your dad and I will see you when I get a chance." What THEY hear is 'I would rather be with this other person rather than you guys. Sorry but my happiness comes first.' You need to sit down with me and explain all of this to me Dave. It's unresolved. You can't just keep say 'I don't know.' That's not closure for me OR the boys. You have to be honest with us and yourself. WE were your family and we deserve that. Will it make me feel better? Probably not, but at least I would have some questions answered. If you care more about her than you care about your kids, then you need to say that. You have to tell me how you can just walk away from it all? You say that I can call you and/or text you. What are you going to do...sneak off to call or text me back? What are the boys and I supposed to do if we need you? Do you think that we just stopped caring about and needing you just because you stopped caring about our feelings and needing us? We didn't. You say I keep saying the same shit over and over. Well did you ever think that maybe it's because you have never given me any answers? You never want to talk to me. I don't know if it's her telling you what to do or not to do, or if it's just you. Quit saying you will ask her if you can be friends with me or whatever. If it's really YOU who doesn't want to be in my life, then just say it. You say that you two don't act like you're better than me, but you both do by the things that you say. I have apologized numerous times for the failure of our marriage and you haven't apologized ONCE even though you're the one that left. I know we can't go back Dave. But where is the respect? I'm the mother of your kids and you treat me like I'm nothing. I don't deserve that. I'm good enough to talk to and joke around with and be friends with when you want cigarettes, a pop or whatever, but I'm not good enough for those things any other time? You want me to accept her and that I will never do for numerous reasons. If you want a list, I can give that to you. You want me to just send my kids up there so she can take care of them and do whatever she wants to them while you're at work and I can't do that. Would you want me leaving them with some guy for hours at a time? Try to see this from my point of view."
There was a few more things, but that was the main part. I asked him if he would answer those questions for me and he said that he would, but that there were a lot of questions, so to give him some time. I'm like you've had 2 1/2 years. I'm just lost here. I think about suicide every day now. I love my kids. I love my family, my friends. I don't want to be dead. I just want this pain to go away. It should have by now. But I just couldn't let it go, so now I'm going thru this hell AGAIN. I barely made it thru the first time.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
THE NIGHT...
Nighttime is always hardest for me. Too much time to think. Dave will be back tomorrow. He texted today to see how the boys did at bowling. I didn't text back. He called this evening..I didn't answer. I feel guilty. Why should I feel guilty? He doesn't care that he's hurting the boys by moving..why should I care that I may be hurting him by not responding to his attempts at communication? But I do. I will probably cave and talk to him soon. I always do. Maybe I'm just weak.
I got my CPAP machine the other night..have only used it once so far for a brief amount of time. It's annoying, but guess I will get used to it. I know it will take some time.
My weight loss...well not going so well. Really need to work at it more. Bad thing is, I eat when I'm stressed, upset, mad, etc. I know, it's an excuse and I'm working on stopping those too. I used to exercise to Richard Simmons VHS tapes...I know, I know, a lot of people think he's just weird, but I love him.:) I also love his videos. So I just bought his "Sweatin' to the Oldies" DVD's from Amazon. I just got them a couple of days ago and plan on using them starting tomorrow. I KNOW I can exercise to those. These things with people who are already thin...not so much (like Jillian Michaels) though I love her. Will see how it goes and see what I weigh on Thursday.
I got my CPAP machine the other night..have only used it once so far for a brief amount of time. It's annoying, but guess I will get used to it. I know it will take some time.
My weight loss...well not going so well. Really need to work at it more. Bad thing is, I eat when I'm stressed, upset, mad, etc. I know, it's an excuse and I'm working on stopping those too. I used to exercise to Richard Simmons VHS tapes...I know, I know, a lot of people think he's just weird, but I love him.:) I also love his videos. So I just bought his "Sweatin' to the Oldies" DVD's from Amazon. I just got them a couple of days ago and plan on using them starting tomorrow. I KNOW I can exercise to those. These things with people who are already thin...not so much (like Jillian Michaels) though I love her. Will see how it goes and see what I weigh on Thursday.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
NOBODY EVER SAID LIFE WAS FAIR...BUT STILL
I did end up going to Colorado Springs...let's just say...it's both horrible and funny. Depends on how you look at it. Brian IS a nice guy. We had talked on the phone for a few weeks and decided to meet and then I was going to stay the night down there, because I don't like driving after dark (it's a 2 hr drive). So I get down there and we meet..it's all cool. We talk some. We go out to dinner...OK, it was just a small Mexican Restaurant near his place..but...he didn't even offer to pay! It wasn't THAT much...but I was like "Okay." So I paid. While we were at the restaurant, he tells me that he has some homework to do (this was on a Saturday). He has gone back to college..anyway, he had to do an essay. I said it was no problem, that I could read or watch TV for awhile. So we go back to his place. He hands me the TV control for the TV in the living room and I sit down to watch TV while he goes in the bedroom to do his homework. About an hour later..I'm thinking that I haven't heard him and it HAS been an hour, so I go in to check and he's SLEEPING!!!! So I'm not too happy at this point. It's only about 8:00pm!! So I write him a note saying pretty much that I drove all that way and that if I had wanted to watch TV by myself, I would have stayed home. I then gave him another half hour. I heard him wake up and move around some. I thought he would come out or call for me at least. Nope. Pretty soon I hear him snoring again. So I'm like "fuck this." I leave the note, get my stuff and leave. Yep, even though I hate driving after dark, I drove the 2 hours home. Around 12:30am, I text him and say what the hell happened and he's like "I don't know." Then he asks me if I'm still in the living room!!! I had woken him up! He apologized and all of that, but REALLY?? I mean, he had never gone to sleep that early during the time that we had been talking..we always talked until midnight or after. I can take a hint. So whatever there might have been, definitely isn't there anymore. He texts every now and then and I answer..but it's not the same.
Then Dave did what I really didn't think he would ever do...he put in for his transfer on the 7th. He works as a correctional officer at a prison near here. He's been there for 11 1/2 years. He put in for a transfer to Denver..since his bitch lives there (sorry but I will never like her). It may take up to 6 months. So who knows when he'll actually go. OK, I will admit that I thought that he would change his mind, come to his senses, and stay here where the kids are. I will also admit that I haven't gotten totally past him. We talk every day. I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him. He has been in my life for 15 years. How do I let go???? Yes, we can be friends he says. Well that's kind of hard to do when I think I'm the only one holding on. He has Gracie. We had a major fight that night. I was pretty psycho. I just lost it. I yelled that he had pretty much been constantly hurting me for the past 3 years, yet he gets everything...has a new car, a new woman, a new family, is moving to a new city, a new job..a new life and I get crap. I have a house that isn't in the best condition (but at least it's a roof over our heads) that I have to start paying for next month (he was court ordered to pay it thru March 2012. I have a jeep that is fine around town..but I wouldn't trust it to go that far out of town. He's leaving me to raise our 3 kids alone. He says he'll see them as much as he can. He's delusional. When is he going to have time to see them when he lives almost 3 hours away? He's not automatically going to have weekends off, the kids are in school during the week, plus have activities on the weekends. He's bailing on his kids and it pisses me off. I told him I had had enough, told him "fuck you and fuck this life..I've had enough." Got into my jeep, put the keys in the ignition and he tried to grab them..we fought over those for a few. He didn't want me leaving, since I was going to drive off a cliff or something. He was telling me how much the kids need me, etc. I KNOW that. But I am so hurt and so tired of hurting. Anyway, as you can see, I didn't off myself. I know that I need to be here for my kids. I don't want to leave them and I don't really want to be dead. But when I think of having to live without Dave...it makes me feel sick and panicky. I mean, he see the kids every day. I see him every day. We talk on the phone some, text a little. We don't really hang out anymore, but I know that he's there for me if I need him. When he goes up there...he says that he'll still text me, etc. I'm thinking "yeah sure you will." Does he think that SHE is going to let him text me? No. But he doesn't want to believe that. So I have decided that I have to get used to not talking to him now..before he actually moves. I know I have to talk to him some, because of the kids, but, for the most part, I just don't want to talk to him..but yet I DO!!!! It's driving me crazy. I WANT to text and call him. I haven't done either since the night of the 7th. He had texted a couple of times since then, but I haven't answered. I hate that before, I would text him about something serious and he would ignore me. But this is more than a payback. I need to distance myself somehow. It's killing me though. I want him in my life sooo bad. But how pathetic is that?? He obviously doesn't need me. Probably doesn't give me a second thought. He went to Denver this weekend. She had something "special" planned away from the house, so he told Phillip that he couldn't go this time (in case he wanted to). Whatever. I just want to beat her ass. What gives her the right to go after a married man? I don't know what to do. It kills me not talking to him, but I need to distance myself from him. If I don't. I'll never get him out of my system. Just so hard for me to ignore him.
Then Dave did what I really didn't think he would ever do...he put in for his transfer on the 7th. He works as a correctional officer at a prison near here. He's been there for 11 1/2 years. He put in for a transfer to Denver..since his bitch lives there (sorry but I will never like her). It may take up to 6 months. So who knows when he'll actually go. OK, I will admit that I thought that he would change his mind, come to his senses, and stay here where the kids are. I will also admit that I haven't gotten totally past him. We talk every day. I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him. He has been in my life for 15 years. How do I let go???? Yes, we can be friends he says. Well that's kind of hard to do when I think I'm the only one holding on. He has Gracie. We had a major fight that night. I was pretty psycho. I just lost it. I yelled that he had pretty much been constantly hurting me for the past 3 years, yet he gets everything...has a new car, a new woman, a new family, is moving to a new city, a new job..a new life and I get crap. I have a house that isn't in the best condition (but at least it's a roof over our heads) that I have to start paying for next month (he was court ordered to pay it thru March 2012. I have a jeep that is fine around town..but I wouldn't trust it to go that far out of town. He's leaving me to raise our 3 kids alone. He says he'll see them as much as he can. He's delusional. When is he going to have time to see them when he lives almost 3 hours away? He's not automatically going to have weekends off, the kids are in school during the week, plus have activities on the weekends. He's bailing on his kids and it pisses me off. I told him I had had enough, told him "fuck you and fuck this life..I've had enough." Got into my jeep, put the keys in the ignition and he tried to grab them..we fought over those for a few. He didn't want me leaving, since I was going to drive off a cliff or something. He was telling me how much the kids need me, etc. I KNOW that. But I am so hurt and so tired of hurting. Anyway, as you can see, I didn't off myself. I know that I need to be here for my kids. I don't want to leave them and I don't really want to be dead. But when I think of having to live without Dave...it makes me feel sick and panicky. I mean, he see the kids every day. I see him every day. We talk on the phone some, text a little. We don't really hang out anymore, but I know that he's there for me if I need him. When he goes up there...he says that he'll still text me, etc. I'm thinking "yeah sure you will." Does he think that SHE is going to let him text me? No. But he doesn't want to believe that. So I have decided that I have to get used to not talking to him now..before he actually moves. I know I have to talk to him some, because of the kids, but, for the most part, I just don't want to talk to him..but yet I DO!!!! It's driving me crazy. I WANT to text and call him. I haven't done either since the night of the 7th. He had texted a couple of times since then, but I haven't answered. I hate that before, I would text him about something serious and he would ignore me. But this is more than a payback. I need to distance myself somehow. It's killing me though. I want him in my life sooo bad. But how pathetic is that?? He obviously doesn't need me. Probably doesn't give me a second thought. He went to Denver this weekend. She had something "special" planned away from the house, so he told Phillip that he couldn't go this time (in case he wanted to). Whatever. I just want to beat her ass. What gives her the right to go after a married man? I don't know what to do. It kills me not talking to him, but I need to distance myself from him. If I don't. I'll never get him out of my system. Just so hard for me to ignore him.
Friday, March 2, 2012
MY CRAZY BODY
I decided to go ahead and weigh today...and I'm back down to 310! So I gain 7 lbs one week and lose it the next. Very strange. Maybe it's because it's the week before I'm supposed to get my period? Who knows. That's another thing..I'm pretty sure I'm in perimenopause already. It shows up when it wants to and didn't show up at all last month.
I'm feeling a bit better, though was pretty nauseous today. Hoping to feel better soon.
I may go out of town on Saturday to hang out with a friend in Colorado Springs. His name is Brian and we have been talking for a few weeks. He seems cool. We will see.
I'm feeling a bit better, though was pretty nauseous today. Hoping to feel better soon.
I may go out of town on Saturday to hang out with a friend in Colorado Springs. His name is Brian and we have been talking for a few weeks. He seems cool. We will see.
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