I have had the flu for the past few days.:( I haven't felt this bad in a long time. So have been sleeping a lot the past 3 days. I just want to feel better. I was never a good "patient." Just dealing with it on my own. My mom has stopped by a few times and, of course, I had the boys last night and had to get them off to school this morning, but other than that..just trying to deal with it. I woke up this morning with a sore throat..like I needed that on top of everything else.:( I don't have any money til Friday. So just a bunch of high carb crap in the cupboards.:( Been eating a lot of popcorn..so tired of it. So probably won't weigh myself this week.
Dave and I decided not to talk to the cops yet. Will see how it goes from now on. Told Phillip to try to just ignore the little witch.
Dominic and I went to see the new "Ghost Rider" movie and really liked it.:) There are quite a few movies coming out that we want to see.
.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
WTF TO A FEW THINGS!!
First, how can I gain 7 lbs. in a week???????????????!!!!!!! I'm soooooo stressed out right now. There is no reason for that. Have I been eating too many carbs? Have I not drank enough water? Have I not exercised enough? Yes to all of those...but SEVEN POUNDS???? I'm disgusted with myself. Maybe I was just meant to be fat. I'm just feeling sooo down on myself today. Instead of NOT wanting to eat, I find myself WANTING to eat..I mean WHY NOT? Obviously I suck at losing weight. I can gain weight at the drop of a hat...but losing it?? Yeah right. I'm soo tired of this. Why can't I control myself? I'm 42 not 5. So now what do I do? I don't have the money to buy a lot of low carb food right now. I obviously can't eat carbs AT ALL. So do I starve myself until I can afford it? I don't even know anymore. I have read blogs on here and other people can lose weight..they have willpower and control. I feel like a failure.
Then Dave and I have to talk to the cops today. Phillip has been bullied off and on for years. Usually by other boys. So if it came down to it, he could just punch them in the face..but he won't, because he's a "big" kid and could seriously hurt someone and he knows that. He's 5'11 and towers over all the other kids. Well now this bratty little girl gives him crap every friggin' day. Calling him "fatso," etc. I have asked her to stop before, but obviously she doesn't understand English. Then she put something on his Facebook last night (called him "Fatso" again), so my 19 year old niece, Justine, wrote on there for her to leave him alone. Well this little 13/14 year old girl went off! You should hear some of the things that came out of that girls' mouth! I will actually put them on here in a minute. She actually threatened Justine ON FACEBOOK! Is she crazy??! You can't do that anymore. Too many kids killing other kids, too many suicides over all of this crap. I won't let her do this to Phillip any longer. I don't want her in serious trouble. I just want her to chill out and understand what she is doing is wrong. Yes he can stick up for himself, but when it has gone on this long and it's EVERY DAY?? Then I'm stepping in. So will go the the cops with Dave and ask for their advice on the matter. Talk to her parents and the principal. At least scare her a little. I just hope this doesn't make things worse for Phillip. He even asked me last night if he could move to Denver with Dave, because he couldn't put up with it anymore!!!!!!:( He said he would never switch schools before, especially to a city school, but now he's thinking about it because of some little witch?? It would devastate me for him to move away from me. So hopefully it won't come to that. Just so overwhelmed with everything right now. THE CONVERSATION:
Justine: U need to learn some respect little girl. And learn how to talk to an adult, and other peoples family
Danielle: I hav enow stop calling me a little fucking' girl or else
Justine: Hahahaha or else what?
Danielle: ummmmm lets see I could call facebook and say you're showing pictures of profanity on ur wall or I could call the FBI and put you under arrest or I could get my friend dovie the ninja to go and murder you hmmmm let us see I could do pretty much anything... and get your adress from phillip or anything
Justine: Profanity??????? Fbi????? Ur friend will kill me???? U r threatning me?????? Well hmmm. Phillip aint gunna tell u crap. Try something.
Danielle: I can't hmm let's see why he not here at my house ok now good bye bitch
Justine: Watch ur mouth girl....
Danielle: oh u heard me I don;t care little son of a mother fucking bitch :(
Danielle: ooohhhhhhh whacha gonna du now bitch ohhhhh :(
Danielle: ;(
Justine: Wow, so immature. Drop all of this nonsense
Danielle: wha wha wha wha mommy mommy come help me I'll bet that's what u are wailing wha wha wha wha wha wha and profanity because your fat ass mountains are showing on ur profile/profenity picture so suck my mile long freak of nature and sex so sluty perverted whore leave me alone now and forever bitch!!!!!!!!
Danielle: why would I when you are a lying cheating slutty whore-like bastard!!!! and wowowowowow you're calling me immature why don't you look in a mirror and say immature again to your fat ugly whore face huh bitch huh ???????????????????????????????????????????
Justine: Haha wow... That's funny. U have nothing better to do then talk crap
Danielle: I don't flirt with everyone just my crush and it'd NOT NOT NOT NOT joey, his name is writen all over everything of mine and he was the only one that I gave A valentine to AND WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT THERES ABSOULUTLY NO WAY I'LL EVER NEVER GO BACK OUT WITH YOU AND JUST AN FYI I WAS CONSIDERING IT BUT NOW NEVER IN 50 MILLOIN YEARS ALL YOU VIGIL AND GRAY SHITS OK NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN EVER NOT IN A MILLION YEARS OR EVEN IN HELL WHERE WE'LL ALL GO BECAUSE OF YOU OK GREAT JUST GREAT NOW I'M GONNA DIE IN BLOODY HELL WITH YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMN FUCKING FAMILY !!!!!!!!!!! OR WILL I EVER GO OUT WITHA NY FAT WHORE LIKE BITCHES EVER AGAIN OK YOU LITTLE MOTHER FUCKERS !!!!!!!!
Yes Justine CAN be an instigator...she learned that from her mother. But actually she was pretty mild on here and didn't say anything too horrible. She was just trying to stick up for Phillip and I give her credit for that. Like I said, I don't want Danielle getting into major trouble. She just needs to chill out a little bit. There was no reason for half the stuff she said and she didn't need to put "You Fatso" on his page for everyone to see. I didn't put that on here, because that's all it said. Just ridiculous. Glad I'm not a teenager anymore.
On a lighter note, I'm taking Dominic to the movies tonight. I was going to take him Tuesday night, but they were closed (they are closed on Mondays and Tuesdays)..yes this is a small town. Then I'm going to lunch today with Joannie, so that will be cool.
Another thing to be stressed about..money. March is the last month that Dave has to make the house payment. Starting in April, it's on me. The boys and I aren't going to have money to do much of anything. I was having a big pity party for myself yesterday. But now...well the two younger ones have a bowling tournament in Denver in the middle of May (great have to put up with Gracie again). So I'm going to save some money for that..a hotel, gas, food, etc. Was going to take the boys to Nebraska to see family there at the beginning of June, but will have to wait until August or September for that..because I will have to get a job and get some money first. There are really no jobs around here..unless I want to clean hotel rooms (which I suck at) or fast food..yuck. But you take what you can get. I can only work part-time. I won't go into why on here, but that's all I can do. I'm also going to see about taking some on-line courses for something..not sure what yet. I need something better than having to work fast food. So I need to lose weight for the job too...I don't want to look huge. They make you tuck your shirts in at those places...that won't be a pretty sight!!LOL
It's cold today and has been VERY WINDY the past few days..plus now it's snowing. So that's always fun. Not looking forward to going out in it, but will try to be brave.;)
Tim, I want to thank you for commenting on my blog. It makes me feel better about things. You're right about making lists. I'm going to start doing that. Just need to get my life and my house organized.
Then Dave and I have to talk to the cops today. Phillip has been bullied off and on for years. Usually by other boys. So if it came down to it, he could just punch them in the face..but he won't, because he's a "big" kid and could seriously hurt someone and he knows that. He's 5'11 and towers over all the other kids. Well now this bratty little girl gives him crap every friggin' day. Calling him "fatso," etc. I have asked her to stop before, but obviously she doesn't understand English. Then she put something on his Facebook last night (called him "Fatso" again), so my 19 year old niece, Justine, wrote on there for her to leave him alone. Well this little 13/14 year old girl went off! You should hear some of the things that came out of that girls' mouth! I will actually put them on here in a minute. She actually threatened Justine ON FACEBOOK! Is she crazy??! You can't do that anymore. Too many kids killing other kids, too many suicides over all of this crap. I won't let her do this to Phillip any longer. I don't want her in serious trouble. I just want her to chill out and understand what she is doing is wrong. Yes he can stick up for himself, but when it has gone on this long and it's EVERY DAY?? Then I'm stepping in. So will go the the cops with Dave and ask for their advice on the matter. Talk to her parents and the principal. At least scare her a little. I just hope this doesn't make things worse for Phillip. He even asked me last night if he could move to Denver with Dave, because he couldn't put up with it anymore!!!!!!:( He said he would never switch schools before, especially to a city school, but now he's thinking about it because of some little witch?? It would devastate me for him to move away from me. So hopefully it won't come to that. Just so overwhelmed with everything right now. THE CONVERSATION:
Justine: U need to learn some respect little girl. And learn how to talk to an adult, and other peoples family
Danielle: I hav enow stop calling me a little fucking' girl or else
Justine: Hahahaha or else what?
Danielle: ummmmm lets see I could call facebook and say you're showing pictures of profanity on ur wall or I could call the FBI and put you under arrest or I could get my friend dovie the ninja to go and murder you hmmmm let us see I could do pretty much anything... and get your adress from phillip or anything
Justine: Profanity??????? Fbi????? Ur friend will kill me???? U r threatning me?????? Well hmmm. Phillip aint gunna tell u crap. Try something.
Danielle: I can't hmm let's see why he not here at my house ok now good bye bitch
Justine: Watch ur mouth girl....
Danielle: oh u heard me I don;t care little son of a mother fucking bitch :(
Danielle: ooohhhhhhh whacha gonna du now bitch ohhhhh :(
Danielle: ;(
Justine: Wow, so immature. Drop all of this nonsense
Danielle: wha wha wha wha mommy mommy come help me I'll bet that's what u are wailing wha wha wha wha wha wha and profanity because your fat ass mountains are showing on ur profile/profenity picture so suck my mile long freak of nature and sex so sluty perverted whore leave me alone now and forever bitch!!!!!!!!
Danielle: why would I when you are a lying cheating slutty whore-like bastard!!!! and wowowowowow you're calling me immature why don't you look in a mirror and say immature again to your fat ugly whore face huh bitch huh ???????????????????????????????????????????
Justine: Haha wow... That's funny. U have nothing better to do then talk crap
Danielle: I don't flirt with everyone just my crush and it'd NOT NOT NOT NOT joey, his name is writen all over everything of mine and he was the only one that I gave A valentine to AND WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT THERES ABSOULUTLY NO WAY I'LL EVER NEVER GO BACK OUT WITH YOU AND JUST AN FYI I WAS CONSIDERING IT BUT NOW NEVER IN 50 MILLOIN YEARS ALL YOU VIGIL AND GRAY SHITS OK NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN EVER NOT IN A MILLION YEARS OR EVEN IN HELL WHERE WE'LL ALL GO BECAUSE OF YOU OK GREAT JUST GREAT NOW I'M GONNA DIE IN BLOODY HELL WITH YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMN FUCKING FAMILY !!!!!!!!!!! OR WILL I EVER GO OUT WITHA NY FAT WHORE LIKE BITCHES EVER AGAIN OK YOU LITTLE MOTHER FUCKERS !!!!!!!!
Yes Justine CAN be an instigator...she learned that from her mother. But actually she was pretty mild on here and didn't say anything too horrible. She was just trying to stick up for Phillip and I give her credit for that. Like I said, I don't want Danielle getting into major trouble. She just needs to chill out a little bit. There was no reason for half the stuff she said and she didn't need to put "You Fatso" on his page for everyone to see. I didn't put that on here, because that's all it said. Just ridiculous. Glad I'm not a teenager anymore.
On a lighter note, I'm taking Dominic to the movies tonight. I was going to take him Tuesday night, but they were closed (they are closed on Mondays and Tuesdays)..yes this is a small town. Then I'm going to lunch today with Joannie, so that will be cool.
Another thing to be stressed about..money. March is the last month that Dave has to make the house payment. Starting in April, it's on me. The boys and I aren't going to have money to do much of anything. I was having a big pity party for myself yesterday. But now...well the two younger ones have a bowling tournament in Denver in the middle of May (great have to put up with Gracie again). So I'm going to save some money for that..a hotel, gas, food, etc. Was going to take the boys to Nebraska to see family there at the beginning of June, but will have to wait until August or September for that..because I will have to get a job and get some money first. There are really no jobs around here..unless I want to clean hotel rooms (which I suck at) or fast food..yuck. But you take what you can get. I can only work part-time. I won't go into why on here, but that's all I can do. I'm also going to see about taking some on-line courses for something..not sure what yet. I need something better than having to work fast food. So I need to lose weight for the job too...I don't want to look huge. They make you tuck your shirts in at those places...that won't be a pretty sight!!LOL
It's cold today and has been VERY WINDY the past few days..plus now it's snowing. So that's always fun. Not looking forward to going out in it, but will try to be brave.;)
Tim, I want to thank you for commenting on my blog. It makes me feel better about things. You're right about making lists. I'm going to start doing that. Just need to get my life and my house organized.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
TUESDAY
Things have been going pretty well. Well, except for the weight loss!! I need to try to stop thinking about food constantly. It's not as bad as it used to be, but still not good. I just want to be "normal" about food. Eat when I'm hungry and even then, not eat junk. It's frustrating.
I went to Cripple Creek on the 19th with my friend Joannie and her mom and sisters to gamble. I didn't bring any money home, but I had a good time.:) I don't get up there too often, so it was nice to be able to go.
Phillip and I went to see "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" on Friday night. It's a good movie, but sad. I'm going to take Dominic to see the new "Ghost Rider" movie tonight. I may take Matthew as well, we'll see.
It's cold and windy out today.:( I'm just overwhelmed with everything. Tired of the cold. Stressed out with the weight. My house is a mess and I don't even know where to start with that. I just need to do one room at a time, instead of being all over the place and not getting any room totally done.
I went to Cripple Creek on the 19th with my friend Joannie and her mom and sisters to gamble. I didn't bring any money home, but I had a good time.:) I don't get up there too often, so it was nice to be able to go.
Phillip and I went to see "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" on Friday night. It's a good movie, but sad. I'm going to take Dominic to see the new "Ghost Rider" movie tonight. I may take Matthew as well, we'll see.
It's cold and windy out today.:( I'm just overwhelmed with everything. Tired of the cold. Stressed out with the weight. My house is a mess and I don't even know where to start with that. I just need to do one room at a time, instead of being all over the place and not getting any room totally done.
Friday, February 17, 2012
FACING FEARS....
I was able to go to hang out with my friend, Tracy. It was a good day. Went to see the movie "The Woman in Black." Excellent movie!! I loved it! It's hard to find a good scary movie anymore.
I have been doing better about letting Dave go. We talked some and I would rather try to remain at least a bit friendly than to hate each other. I did have some words with Gracie by text, but have decided that doesn't get anyone anywhere. So have decided to just ignore her. Haven't seen the mediator yet..I need to get that set up. Phillip was still blaming himself for the divorce, so I sat down with all 3 boys and explained to them that it wasn't their fault, that sometimes people just grow apart. I need to make my own happiness and that's all that is important now..my happiness and the boys' happiness. I can't control what Dave does or doesn't do. Believe me, that's hard for me to let go of that control. I just can't be so angry all the time...it isn't good for my health physically or mentally. I miss what Dave and I used to have. If we could go back to that..that would be one thing..but we can't. There is no way that I could ever trust him again. Without trust, there is nothing. From the comment on my last post...yes I do have to learn to love myself first. I do to an extent, but not as much as I should. I will be working on that.
Phillip turned 14 on the 13th!! That's hard to believe!! I took him out to dinner and might go see a movie tomorrow night. He also got some headphones for his XBOX..he was very excited about that. Plus he got a book and a basketball. He is really into basketball right now and I hope that it stays that way. I think it will be good for him. He asked me the other day who will play basketball with him after Dave leaves. I told him that I could see about getting him a "Big Brother." I think they have that organization around here as well. Someone in their 20's or 30's would be good for him.
Dominic and Matthew are both dealing with things in their own way. Dominic stays most weekends with my mom and step-dad now. I think it's his way of distancing himself from Dave. I'm not sure. Matthew told Dave that he doesn't want him to move and the he'll miss him. But I think it just went in one ear and out the other. I really hope that Dave doesn't do what I think he will and just forget that he has kids. I know he loves them, but he gets caught up in what is going on in the moment...and that won't be them once he leaves.
I got my first tattoo on the 13th!! I can't believe I actually did it!! It is on my left forearm and says "Believe." It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I'm sure it hurts more in other places.
Valentine's Day was pretty good this year, even though I don't have anyone. I'm learning that I don't need a guy to complete my life. I would like to eventually have a guy in my life, but if it happens, it does. I'm not going to worry about it. Is this really me talking??LOL
Louie and I aren't friends anymore.:( He pretty much just basically told me in a message on Facebook, that I hope that I know what I have lost and good bye. I was hoping we could remain friends, but I guess not.
Heard from Arturo...same ol'. Says he still loves me and wants to be with me. That he's sorry that he hasn't kept in contact. I'm like whatever.
Bruce (my first love), who lives in Alaska, has decided to move on, since he doesn't see how we could ever be together with me down here and him up there.:( Life is definitely never easy.
I haven't lost any weight over the past couple of weeks....haven't gained either, so that's good. I'm doing decent about not eating a lot, but the exercise thing isn't going so great. Need to really work on that. Right now, I would just really like to get to 275 lbs. Then go from there.
I have been doing better about letting Dave go. We talked some and I would rather try to remain at least a bit friendly than to hate each other. I did have some words with Gracie by text, but have decided that doesn't get anyone anywhere. So have decided to just ignore her. Haven't seen the mediator yet..I need to get that set up. Phillip was still blaming himself for the divorce, so I sat down with all 3 boys and explained to them that it wasn't their fault, that sometimes people just grow apart. I need to make my own happiness and that's all that is important now..my happiness and the boys' happiness. I can't control what Dave does or doesn't do. Believe me, that's hard for me to let go of that control. I just can't be so angry all the time...it isn't good for my health physically or mentally. I miss what Dave and I used to have. If we could go back to that..that would be one thing..but we can't. There is no way that I could ever trust him again. Without trust, there is nothing. From the comment on my last post...yes I do have to learn to love myself first. I do to an extent, but not as much as I should. I will be working on that.
Phillip turned 14 on the 13th!! That's hard to believe!! I took him out to dinner and might go see a movie tomorrow night. He also got some headphones for his XBOX..he was very excited about that. Plus he got a book and a basketball. He is really into basketball right now and I hope that it stays that way. I think it will be good for him. He asked me the other day who will play basketball with him after Dave leaves. I told him that I could see about getting him a "Big Brother." I think they have that organization around here as well. Someone in their 20's or 30's would be good for him.
Dominic and Matthew are both dealing with things in their own way. Dominic stays most weekends with my mom and step-dad now. I think it's his way of distancing himself from Dave. I'm not sure. Matthew told Dave that he doesn't want him to move and the he'll miss him. But I think it just went in one ear and out the other. I really hope that Dave doesn't do what I think he will and just forget that he has kids. I know he loves them, but he gets caught up in what is going on in the moment...and that won't be them once he leaves.
I got my first tattoo on the 13th!! I can't believe I actually did it!! It is on my left forearm and says "Believe." It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I'm sure it hurts more in other places.
Valentine's Day was pretty good this year, even though I don't have anyone. I'm learning that I don't need a guy to complete my life. I would like to eventually have a guy in my life, but if it happens, it does. I'm not going to worry about it. Is this really me talking??LOL
Louie and I aren't friends anymore.:( He pretty much just basically told me in a message on Facebook, that I hope that I know what I have lost and good bye. I was hoping we could remain friends, but I guess not.
Heard from Arturo...same ol'. Says he still loves me and wants to be with me. That he's sorry that he hasn't kept in contact. I'm like whatever.
Bruce (my first love), who lives in Alaska, has decided to move on, since he doesn't see how we could ever be together with me down here and him up there.:( Life is definitely never easy.
I haven't lost any weight over the past couple of weeks....haven't gained either, so that's good. I'm doing decent about not eating a lot, but the exercise thing isn't going so great. Need to really work on that. Right now, I would just really like to get to 275 lbs. Then go from there.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
DOES ANYONE EVEN READ THIS??lol
I'm not doing so great..but hanging in there. I HAVE to let go of Dave. I'm not sure how to do that. I should have "let" him move a couple of years ago and just got all of this pain over with all at once. Now it's like going thru everything again. I'm angry or depressed a lot of the time. I'm tired of feeling that way. I need to learn how to go on with my life. Just not sure how to do that without him being around. I can truly say that I hate Gracie. I know that hate is a strong word, but that's how I feel. I will just need to vent here. I have been venting on Facebook and I'm sure that most of the friends on there think I'm psycho now.
I'm doing pretty good with not eating a lot.:) I'm proud of that. I have been exercising some, but still not enough. I feel that if I can lose at least 5 lbs a week..that would be an ideal situation. I know that's a lot to lose a week and to keep it up, but I'm going to try to do it.
We got some snow last night. Can't really complain, considering we haven't been getting that much this Winter. I was going to go to Canon City (60 miles from here) yesterday to hang out with my friend, Tracy and go to Pueblo and see a movie..but it was a bit snowy yesterday as well. So plan on going Thursday. I hope everyone is having a good week.:)
I'm doing pretty good with not eating a lot.:) I'm proud of that. I have been exercising some, but still not enough. I feel that if I can lose at least 5 lbs a week..that would be an ideal situation. I know that's a lot to lose a week and to keep it up, but I'm going to try to do it.
We got some snow last night. Can't really complain, considering we haven't been getting that much this Winter. I was going to go to Canon City (60 miles from here) yesterday to hang out with my friend, Tracy and go to Pueblo and see a movie..but it was a bit snowy yesterday as well. So plan on going Thursday. I hope everyone is having a good week.:)
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