OK, recently, I have been "better" about dealing with my ex. But sometimes he just pushes my buttons. Last night was one of those nights. We hardly talk anymore..which is still hard for me. Yes we're divorced and I guess that talking isn't "normal" anymore. But, like I said before, he was also my best friend. He will say sometimes that we can talk whenever I want to, etc. Believe me, that's not the case. He just wants me basically to just not talk about anything important or serious. He doesn't want to hear it. Well we have 3 kids together and he's going to have to listen SOME, right? Yes I should be totally over this by now...I'm getting there, but not totally done yet. I DO wish it would hurry up though. People have said it takes 2 years...well 2 years from WHEN? From the divorce itself? From when he moved out? I hope it's the latter..because it will be 2 years in August. Anyway, I said something last night about wanting us to talk more and he's like "We're divorced Tammy. We can be FRIENDLY and be friends." Then I didn't let him finish the sentence. I'm not a two year old who needs to be told that we're divorced. I'm perfectly aware of the fact. He then said if I try to keep the kids away from him, that he would fight for custody. Which I can understand. I wouldn't keep the kids from him, though I have threatened it before. In the papers, he's supposed to see them on weekends (unless he goes to Denver to see HER), every other 4th of July and the 2nd week of Christmas vacation. Maybe I should just hold it to that, instead of letting him see them every day? I asked him about his retirement again...it won't be for another 20 years or so, but I asked if I could have some of it, since we were married for 13 years and am entitled to some of it because of that. He said "if it's in the papers." Well it's not. I don't want ALL of it or even HALF of it. Just SOME of it. He goes "why so you don't have to work?" WTH??? This is like in 20 YEARS..not right now. I'm on disability and have been for years...had it when we got married. So he KNOWS that I can only work a certain amount of time a week. It's a long story, but right now, I'm still a stay-at-home mom. Yes I will have to find a job soon...because getting paid once a month...with disability and child support, just doesn't cut it. But he had NO RIGHT to say that. There's no way that I CAN'T get a job. We need the money. Dave pays the house payment thru next March (court ordered) and then it's on me. I told him that the boys and I would have to move, because I can't afford to live here. He said "well maybe the Section 8 will come thru and you can get a job here." OK, yes I signed up for Section 8 housing last year. It's a 2 year waiting list. I think I'm like #66 on the list. There are NO jobs around here unless you want to do fast food or clean hotel rooms. I don't think so. I'm not a snob, but I'm not doing that crap again. Have done both before and that was enough. I used to work at Wal-Mart, but they aren't hiring here..or maybe they're just not hiring me? Who knows. He just doesn't get it. He lives with his sister RENT FREE. He got a brand new car last August, while I drive a 1993 vehicle. He has no bills except his car payment, insurance and his cell phone. I have everything else. My car payment, insurance, heat, lights, water, trash, TV/internet/phone, my insurance premium (health). After he stops making the house payment ($800 a month), there's no way that I can stay here and pay that AND have any extra money left after the other bills. So if I can't get a decent job here, I'm screwed. This is a small town and there just isn't much. But he likes to ignore all of that stuff and live in his own little dream world. He can't figure out why I'm so stressed out and pissed off. So I called him a jerk and a few other choice names. Which was wrong, but I was pissed. I have a hard time controlling my mouth when I get that mad. On another note, we haven't messed around in months...before, it's like he wanted both of us. So that's how I know he's totally over me...not trying anything anymore. Though he did come by a couple of weeks ago and we messed around a little, but that didn't make me feel better...I just kept thinking about him and her. I don't even know what the hell he was doing. Anyway, so after I got mad last night, I texted her (yes I have her number) and basically told her that Dave and I had messed around and hoped she liked to share. That she wasn't as good at some things (he told me!). Was it nice or right? Not really. But, at the time, I didn't really care. Now I feel a bit guilty about it. It's funny, people can hurt me all the time and not give a shit. I can't do that. Even if people hurt me first, I don't like hurting them back. That's just stupid. I need to get meaner or tougher or something. Tired of getting walked all over.
I was in bed most of yesterday with a migraine.:( I used to get them a lot, but hadn't for awhile. I wouldn't wish those on anyone. I also have a rash on my neck that itches like crazy. I have no idea what that's about.
The diet and exercise thing isn't going so well.:( But I'm working on it.
Oh I told Dave that when we go to Denver for the bowling tournament the weekend of the 14th, that he needs to keep her away from me, since she will be there too. I'm just not in the mood to meet her and deal with it all. He's going up there this weekend as well. Phillip has gone up with him before, but I told Dave that he's not going up with him anymore and the two younger ones not at all. Phillip always comes back more upset than he was before he left! It's BS.
Then my youngest, Matthew, is being bullied at school. He's 7. They don't need to put up with that crap. He has a bruise on his knee from where the little brat kicked him yesterday. I'm going by the school today to see what can be done. My oldest was bullied too...probably still is some..but not as much since he could knock someone the fuck out if he wanted to now.LOL Though I tell him not to do that. But they go to school to learn and they don't need to put up with that crap. Parents should teach their kids NOT to be bullies. I just heard on the news today, that two 14 year old girls in Minnesota hung themselves..they were friends. They were getting bullied at school too. I WON'T let it come to that. If need be, I will just try to homeschool them...Phillip wants that anyway.
.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
MY DAY...
My day went pretty well.:) I took the boys to moms' to look for Easter eggs and then to my ex-sister-in-law's to do the same. Then ate a little bit at both places!! So had plenty to eat today. The boys had fun and that's all that's important.
Arturo called me again tonight. So confusing. I still love him and care about him. I just don't see how he can just come back into my life and think that it's all OK. When he was talking to me, he was talking to another prisoner who has family here in town and I guess the guy asked how Arturo knew me and he says "she's with me." I'm like WHAT?LOL Then before he hung up, he says "I love you." I hope he gets out. I really do. I want to be able to see him again and see if there is any way we could make it work. But, then again, I don't see how I can trust him to be there for me thru the hard times. Why can't things be easy? I haven't seen him in person for almost 6 months. Then if he doesn't get out..well who knows how he will act towards me.
OK, going to start exercising again tomorrow..whether I feel like it or not AND try to watch what I eat. We go to Denver on May 13th..would like to lose at least 10 lbs before then. Let's hope that happens.
Arturo called me again tonight. So confusing. I still love him and care about him. I just don't see how he can just come back into my life and think that it's all OK. When he was talking to me, he was talking to another prisoner who has family here in town and I guess the guy asked how Arturo knew me and he says "she's with me." I'm like WHAT?LOL Then before he hung up, he says "I love you." I hope he gets out. I really do. I want to be able to see him again and see if there is any way we could make it work. But, then again, I don't see how I can trust him to be there for me thru the hard times. Why can't things be easy? I haven't seen him in person for almost 6 months. Then if he doesn't get out..well who knows how he will act towards me.
OK, going to start exercising again tomorrow..whether I feel like it or not AND try to watch what I eat. We go to Denver on May 13th..would like to lose at least 10 lbs before then. Let's hope that happens.
Q&A about me.....
BASICS
NAME: Tammy
NICKNAME: Tam
AGE: 41
B-DAY: August 31, 1969
BIRTH PLACE: Salida, CO
CURRENT LOCATION: Same as above
EYE COLOR: Green
HAIR COLOR: Brownish-blonde
PIERCINGS: One in each ear
TATTOOS: Not yet, but plan on getting one
BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: No.:(
SIBLINGS: 2 younger sisters, an older half sister, a younger step sister and brother
FAVES
COLOR: Green, blue and purple
MUSIC: A ton!! Nickelback Creed, etc.
SPORT: like watching pro football
HOLIDAY: Christmas
FOOD: real mashed potatoes and gravy
NUMBER: 4, 13
MOVIE: Tombstone and anything with Sandra Bullock in it
CELEBRITY: Sandra Bullock!LOL
PLACE: Ireland..though have never been there
DRINK: Alchololic: screwdriver. Regular: Diet Coke
DAY OF WEEK: Friday
MONTH: August
CITY: Las Vegas
ANIMAL: cat
TIME OF DAY: Evening
SMELL: Lilacs, freshly mown grass, rain, cinnamon, vanilla
T.V CHANNEL: ALL!!LOL
SONG: There are a lot...but like "Breathing" by Lifehouse a lot
THIS OR THAT
HUGS OR KISSES: Both
PEPSI OR COKE: Coke
MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: McDonalds
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Vanilla
LOVER OR FIGHTER: Lover
FRIENDS OR FAMILY: Both
LOVE OR MONEY: Both!! But love is more important
LISTEN TO SOMEONE TALK OR TALKING: Depends on my mood
PERSONALITY OR LOOKS: Personality definitely
MAGAZINES OR COMICS: Magazines
POP STAR OR WORD UP: ???
LOVE
ARE YOU IN LOVE? Not right now..but wish I was!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? No..though it would be romantic!
LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? 11 1/2 years
KISS ON A FIRST DATE? Depends on the chemistry
EVER CHEATED ON SOMEONE? (BE HONEST) Yes unfortunately..when I was younger
RANDOM
DO YOU DO DRUGS? Nope
DO YOU DRINK? Yes when I go out
DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS? I would like to say no, but yeah there are a few
WANT TO GET MARRIED? Been there, done that. Not sure I would do it again
WANT KIDS? Already have 3 and I'm done.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF? Not as much as I should
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE MOVIES? WAS IT GOOD? The last Twilight that was out and YES.:)
CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH? Sometimes..but would rather have the truth than a lie
BIGGEST FEAR? death of myself and/or loved ones, spiders
MOST MISSED MEMORY? Job Corps in 1989 in Montana
FIRST THOUGHT ON WAKING UP? It's too damn early!!
HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE: I don't. But if I have to...in my sleep, I guess
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? Yes I get along with my mom. dad passed away in 2001
DO YOU SWEAR? More than I should!
DO YOU HAVE A PET? cat named Willow
HAVE YOU EVER PASSED OUT? Almost
DO YOU PARTY? Sometimes
DO YOU GET GOOD GRADES? N/A
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
GOD: Yes
RELIGION: Somewhat
ALIENS: You never know
GHOST: Yes
AFTERLIFE: Yes
MYSELF: sometimes
KARMA: YES
MAGIC: Yes
IN A GUY
EYE COLOR: Doesn't matter
HAIR COLOR: Doesn't matter
SHORT OR LONG HAIR: Short
HEIGHT: Taller than me...so 5'8 and above
PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS: Tattoos look HOT on a guy, piercings...not so much
JUST CUTE OR SEXY? Can I have both???LOL
HOBBIES: I love reading!! Also: Bingo, astrology, genealogy, crossword/logic puzzles, watching TV/movies, going for walks, listening to music, surfing the net, hanging out with friends, meeting new people.
NAME: Tammy
NICKNAME: Tam
AGE: 41
B-DAY: August 31, 1969
BIRTH PLACE: Salida, CO
CURRENT LOCATION: Same as above
EYE COLOR: Green
HAIR COLOR: Brownish-blonde
PIERCINGS: One in each ear
TATTOOS: Not yet, but plan on getting one
BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND: No.:(
SIBLINGS: 2 younger sisters, an older half sister, a younger step sister and brother
FAVES
COLOR: Green, blue and purple
MUSIC: A ton!! Nickelback Creed, etc.
SPORT: like watching pro football
HOLIDAY: Christmas
FOOD: real mashed potatoes and gravy
NUMBER: 4, 13
MOVIE: Tombstone and anything with Sandra Bullock in it
CELEBRITY: Sandra Bullock!LOL
PLACE: Ireland..though have never been there
DRINK: Alchololic: screwdriver. Regular: Diet Coke
DAY OF WEEK: Friday
MONTH: August
CITY: Las Vegas
ANIMAL: cat
TIME OF DAY: Evening
SMELL: Lilacs, freshly mown grass, rain, cinnamon, vanilla
T.V CHANNEL: ALL!!LOL
SONG: There are a lot...but like "Breathing" by Lifehouse a lot
THIS OR THAT
HUGS OR KISSES: Both
PEPSI OR COKE: Coke
MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: McDonalds
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA: Vanilla
LOVER OR FIGHTER: Lover
FRIENDS OR FAMILY: Both
LOVE OR MONEY: Both!! But love is more important
LISTEN TO SOMEONE TALK OR TALKING: Depends on my mood
PERSONALITY OR LOOKS: Personality definitely
MAGAZINES OR COMICS: Magazines
POP STAR OR WORD UP: ???
LOVE
ARE YOU IN LOVE? Not right now..but wish I was!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes
DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? No..though it would be romantic!
LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? 11 1/2 years
KISS ON A FIRST DATE? Depends on the chemistry
EVER CHEATED ON SOMEONE? (BE HONEST) Yes unfortunately..when I was younger
RANDOM
DO YOU DO DRUGS? Nope
DO YOU DRINK? Yes when I go out
DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS? I would like to say no, but yeah there are a few
WANT TO GET MARRIED? Been there, done that. Not sure I would do it again
WANT KIDS? Already have 3 and I'm done.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF? Not as much as I should
LAST MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE MOVIES? WAS IT GOOD? The last Twilight that was out and YES.:)
CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH? Sometimes..but would rather have the truth than a lie
BIGGEST FEAR? death of myself and/or loved ones, spiders
MOST MISSED MEMORY? Job Corps in 1989 in Montana
FIRST THOUGHT ON WAKING UP? It's too damn early!!
HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE: I don't. But if I have to...in my sleep, I guess
DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS? Yes I get along with my mom. dad passed away in 2001
DO YOU SWEAR? More than I should!
DO YOU HAVE A PET? cat named Willow
HAVE YOU EVER PASSED OUT? Almost
DO YOU PARTY? Sometimes
DO YOU GET GOOD GRADES? N/A
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
GOD: Yes
RELIGION: Somewhat
ALIENS: You never know
GHOST: Yes
AFTERLIFE: Yes
MYSELF: sometimes
KARMA: YES
MAGIC: Yes
IN A GUY
EYE COLOR: Doesn't matter
HAIR COLOR: Doesn't matter
SHORT OR LONG HAIR: Short
HEIGHT: Taller than me...so 5'8 and above
PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS: Tattoos look HOT on a guy, piercings...not so much
JUST CUTE OR SEXY? Can I have both???LOL
HOBBIES: I love reading!! Also: Bingo, astrology, genealogy, crossword/logic puzzles, watching TV/movies, going for walks, listening to music, surfing the net, hanging out with friends, meeting new people.
HAPPY EASTER!!!
I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!!:) Don't really know what I'm going to do right now. No definite plans. I swear, you could have Easter in July and it would STILL snow here!!!LOL We have snow! Totally crazy. So the Easter Bunny will just have to freeze his little tail off getting those eggs out.:)
The trip to Vegas was AWESOME! Everything went GREAT. I now wish I lived close to Chris...I REALLY like him, but he's not interested in a long distance relationship. Which I can understand...just makes me sad. We went hiking in Red Rocks National Park..think that's what it's called!!LOL Went to a Dodgers/Braves games in LA on the 21st!! That was sooo cool!! First time I had ever been to a professional game of any kind. We just had a lot of fun. I miss him. But hopefully we'll remain friends always.
Got a letter from Arturo....with a couple of pics. He still looks good if you ask me. Says he's still in love with me. Whatever. He doesn't realize how bad he messed it up.
Ron still texts a lot. I text back. I still like him, but don't see how it would go anywhere if he doesn't have a job or anything.
Bruce (in Alaska) called me yesterday and we talked some. I DO miss him and definitely want to see him in July. I just don't know how that will all go.
I'm not being selfish here, but I need to look out more for #1. I need to do what is best for ME...that in return will be better for my kids. I'm always putting everyone else before me. I need to make myself happy. I need to learn to love myself. I know it won't be easy, but I will get there. I'm planning on taking some on-line classes...not sure in what yet...accounting or maybe medical transcription. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be able to be better off financially AND to feel better about myself. Chris is really good at pushing me to better my life..to make things happen, instead of just letting life happen to me. Just gotta get up off my lazy butt and do it.
The low carb thing fell by the wayside while I was in Vegas...so now I feel like crap. Need to get back on the wagon and also start exercising again. My body just doesn't feel good. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Though I still fit into the size 46 jeans...I still feel huge. So will get back into the program. I need to do this for me. Chris recently had the "stomach sleeve" done and while I was there, he barely ate anything! I was envious AND felt bad for being hungry!!LOL He just gets full a lot faster. My eating has been out-of-control. I will TRY to eat better today...but most likely will have to REALLY start tomorrow.
My 18 year old niece, Justine..she is having some major issues. She has just given up basicaly. Doesn't want to do anything. Is depressed and annoyed. You should see her posts on Facebook!!! Anyway, I hope she gets herself together soon.
The trip to Vegas was AWESOME! Everything went GREAT. I now wish I lived close to Chris...I REALLY like him, but he's not interested in a long distance relationship. Which I can understand...just makes me sad. We went hiking in Red Rocks National Park..think that's what it's called!!LOL Went to a Dodgers/Braves games in LA on the 21st!! That was sooo cool!! First time I had ever been to a professional game of any kind. We just had a lot of fun. I miss him. But hopefully we'll remain friends always.
Got a letter from Arturo....with a couple of pics. He still looks good if you ask me. Says he's still in love with me. Whatever. He doesn't realize how bad he messed it up.
Ron still texts a lot. I text back. I still like him, but don't see how it would go anywhere if he doesn't have a job or anything.
Bruce (in Alaska) called me yesterday and we talked some. I DO miss him and definitely want to see him in July. I just don't know how that will all go.
I'm not being selfish here, but I need to look out more for #1. I need to do what is best for ME...that in return will be better for my kids. I'm always putting everyone else before me. I need to make myself happy. I need to learn to love myself. I know it won't be easy, but I will get there. I'm planning on taking some on-line classes...not sure in what yet...accounting or maybe medical transcription. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be able to be better off financially AND to feel better about myself. Chris is really good at pushing me to better my life..to make things happen, instead of just letting life happen to me. Just gotta get up off my lazy butt and do it.
The low carb thing fell by the wayside while I was in Vegas...so now I feel like crap. Need to get back on the wagon and also start exercising again. My body just doesn't feel good. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Though I still fit into the size 46 jeans...I still feel huge. So will get back into the program. I need to do this for me. Chris recently had the "stomach sleeve" done and while I was there, he barely ate anything! I was envious AND felt bad for being hungry!!LOL He just gets full a lot faster. My eating has been out-of-control. I will TRY to eat better today...but most likely will have to REALLY start tomorrow.
My 18 year old niece, Justine..she is having some major issues. She has just given up basicaly. Doesn't want to do anything. Is depressed and annoyed. You should see her posts on Facebook!!! Anyway, I hope she gets herself together soon.
Friday, April 15, 2011
DOING OK
I have a hard time thinking of 'titles!'lol Ok, this is the end of Day 5 of low carb..woo hoo! Proud of myself for making it this far. Have lost 5 lbs. I will weigh in the morning again. I was/am hoping that I will lose another 3 at least by Monday. Today is one of the harder days on the low carb front. I was sooo hungry it seemed...just don't have a lot of money right now to buy groceries or anything...let alone low carb thing. So just pretty much existing on eggs, string cheese, radishes, green beans, peanuts, sausage..oh and had some Spam tonight. I need more variety, but that will have to wait. I have a bit more energy and feel better..but still think about food a lot and probably always will.
My computer turned off the other night..even though it was plugged in. So took the cord in and found that it was totally dead...so he sold me a used one for $15. A new one, after ordering it and all would have cost like $50, so this is fine for now. At least I can be on the computer..which, of course, is all important!LOL
I have stayed off the gambling site. I try not to even THINK about it. I called the bank about my debit card as well to see if I had any money in there..which I didn't...no surprise. BUT I had used $20 off of there one time on that site. Well I THOUGHT it was a secured site. Obviously NOT. I'm glad I didn't have any more money in my account. A few hours after I used my card, 2-3 other place (or same place?) tried to take MORE money out that I didn't even authorize!! So they cancelled my card and issued me another one. So be careful when using a card on-line! One of my friends...someone who I didn't even think would help me, gave me some money and I'll pay her back on the 3rd. I'm very grateful for the help. I just gave the money to mom, so I'm still broke. Oh well. I don't think she told my step-dad, if she did, he didn't say anything or act any different.
Guess who called me tonight??? Arturo!! WTF is all I have to say. Well not really, but that was my first thought!LOL He just wanted to see how I was doing, that he hadn't forgotten about me, that he's just tired of letting people down by not getting out when he says he might. This is his 5th year up for parole. I hope that he DOES get out. I believe that he has served his time. He's just really depressed and nervous about it. I don't really know what to tell him. I told him that I would be here for him always. I just don't think that I can ever totally trust him again. As I see it, he bailed on me big time. The last time he called was March 20th and like I wrote, he pretty much blamed a lot of things on me. I still love him and miss him. Part of me is angry that he even called me. Another part is happy. Why call when I was trying to get past it? I don't know. I just hope that he gets all that he wants from now on. He's a good person...OK I KNOW he's a prisoner..but SOME of them CAN change and deserve a second chance. He said that he would try to call around his birthday which is May 6th. I DO feel a bit bad for him. His dad was seeing him pretty regularly, but then he met someone and pretty much disappeared from Arturo's life. Writes every now and then..but not often. He used to send him money for things and now he doesn't. I don't think that's right, but whatever.
Ron and I are doing OK. Just going slow. I'm not sure if Arturo thought that I would wait around for him after he told me pretty much that he didn't want me in his life..that's how I took it. I was perfectly willing to wait for him until he started acting like a jerk.
Got our new phones today..I'm on my step-dads' plan. It's a bit hard getting used to, but glad I have a new one! My old one had had it.
I'm still nervous about everything going "right" when I leave for Vegas on Monday, but I'm excited too. Will just have to "go with the flow" and not worry so much.
My mom and step-dad went to Grand Junction today (4 hrs away) to see my youngest sister and her baby. Jasmine will be 8 months old on the 26th. I've never seen her.:( Maybe one of these days.
My other sisters' daughter, Taylor, turned 13 yesterday!!!
My computer turned off the other night..even though it was plugged in. So took the cord in and found that it was totally dead...so he sold me a used one for $15. A new one, after ordering it and all would have cost like $50, so this is fine for now. At least I can be on the computer..which, of course, is all important!LOL
I have stayed off the gambling site. I try not to even THINK about it. I called the bank about my debit card as well to see if I had any money in there..which I didn't...no surprise. BUT I had used $20 off of there one time on that site. Well I THOUGHT it was a secured site. Obviously NOT. I'm glad I didn't have any more money in my account. A few hours after I used my card, 2-3 other place (or same place?) tried to take MORE money out that I didn't even authorize!! So they cancelled my card and issued me another one. So be careful when using a card on-line! One of my friends...someone who I didn't even think would help me, gave me some money and I'll pay her back on the 3rd. I'm very grateful for the help. I just gave the money to mom, so I'm still broke. Oh well. I don't think she told my step-dad, if she did, he didn't say anything or act any different.
Guess who called me tonight??? Arturo!! WTF is all I have to say. Well not really, but that was my first thought!LOL He just wanted to see how I was doing, that he hadn't forgotten about me, that he's just tired of letting people down by not getting out when he says he might. This is his 5th year up for parole. I hope that he DOES get out. I believe that he has served his time. He's just really depressed and nervous about it. I don't really know what to tell him. I told him that I would be here for him always. I just don't think that I can ever totally trust him again. As I see it, he bailed on me big time. The last time he called was March 20th and like I wrote, he pretty much blamed a lot of things on me. I still love him and miss him. Part of me is angry that he even called me. Another part is happy. Why call when I was trying to get past it? I don't know. I just hope that he gets all that he wants from now on. He's a good person...OK I KNOW he's a prisoner..but SOME of them CAN change and deserve a second chance. He said that he would try to call around his birthday which is May 6th. I DO feel a bit bad for him. His dad was seeing him pretty regularly, but then he met someone and pretty much disappeared from Arturo's life. Writes every now and then..but not often. He used to send him money for things and now he doesn't. I don't think that's right, but whatever.
Ron and I are doing OK. Just going slow. I'm not sure if Arturo thought that I would wait around for him after he told me pretty much that he didn't want me in his life..that's how I took it. I was perfectly willing to wait for him until he started acting like a jerk.
Got our new phones today..I'm on my step-dads' plan. It's a bit hard getting used to, but glad I have a new one! My old one had had it.
I'm still nervous about everything going "right" when I leave for Vegas on Monday, but I'm excited too. Will just have to "go with the flow" and not worry so much.
My mom and step-dad went to Grand Junction today (4 hrs away) to see my youngest sister and her baby. Jasmine will be 8 months old on the 26th. I've never seen her.:( Maybe one of these days.
My other sisters' daughter, Taylor, turned 13 yesterday!!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
NEEDING HELP.......
OK, so now do I not only need help for depression and eating way too damn much...now I need it for gambling as well. I'm soooo over it! I got ahold of the gambling site today and told them to close my account. I have to keep myself from going on there ever again. Isn't that ridiculous? That I can't do things in moderation...eating, drinking, gambling, etc. etc. I have to do too much of everything. My mom now knows that even MORE money is coming out of her account...to the tune of $300!!! So now I'm asking friends if I can "borrow" money until I get paid at the beginning of next month. If you don't think that's not embarrasssing...:( I feel so low right now. I don't even know if anyone has any money to help me with, but I NEED to give the money to mom..this isn't HER fault and I have to make things right. I'm hoping she doesn't mention it to my step-dad..he will NOT be happy.
Today is my last day of bowling (I'm on a league). I will miss it. Not sure if I will be on a league next year or not. Will just have to wait and see.
Leaving for Vegas on Monday...I should be happy and excited, but I'm really not. I feel guilty for a few reasons. Leaving my kids for a few days is the number one reason. I told them last night and they all instantly got upset. Dominic..the one who never shows emotions..started crying and saying he didn't want me to go. Matthew tells me that me being away for 4 days is too long and it's hard being away from me that long.;(
Phillip isn't happy about it. They all worry the plane will crash. I hate when they worry about that. I'm afraid of flying...but it's the fastest way to get there!!LOL I have already paid for my ticket and it's non-refundable. But I feel bad about how the kids feel, about blowing my moms' money, about having to ask people if I can borrow some money, of having no money to take to Vegas with me, etc. Chris says he'll pay for things out there..to not worry about it, but how can I not? It's not right for people to be paying for me, just because I fucked up.
Haven't heard from Britton...but guess didn't really expect to. I was shocked that he even added me on Facebook to tell you the truth. Ron and I text during the day and sometimes talk on-line. I wish I lived closer to him, so I could get to know him better. I just don't see how all of this is going to be possible..our relationship and all. Then Bruce (in Alaska) is working a lot of hours right now. So we don't talk much. He still wants me to go out there in July.
I didn't eat any carbs yesterday...well if I did, the total was less than 20 grams. I get so hungry, but know that it will eventually pass. I have to keep looking at the bigger picture...not just today. I want to be able to fit into a swimsuit and look at least half way decent when I take my kids to hotel swimming pools next month and in June. I haven't gone to a public pool in YEARS. I would like to be able to do that as well. Plus I have to meet my ex's gf for the first time next month and I don't want to be THIS big. I just feel like sometimes throwing in the towel and saying fuck it..let myself eat and get HUGE, but I would be miserable (even more so than I am now) and so won't let myself do that.
Today is my last day of bowling (I'm on a league). I will miss it. Not sure if I will be on a league next year or not. Will just have to wait and see.
Leaving for Vegas on Monday...I should be happy and excited, but I'm really not. I feel guilty for a few reasons. Leaving my kids for a few days is the number one reason. I told them last night and they all instantly got upset. Dominic..the one who never shows emotions..started crying and saying he didn't want me to go. Matthew tells me that me being away for 4 days is too long and it's hard being away from me that long.;(
Phillip isn't happy about it. They all worry the plane will crash. I hate when they worry about that. I'm afraid of flying...but it's the fastest way to get there!!LOL I have already paid for my ticket and it's non-refundable. But I feel bad about how the kids feel, about blowing my moms' money, about having to ask people if I can borrow some money, of having no money to take to Vegas with me, etc. Chris says he'll pay for things out there..to not worry about it, but how can I not? It's not right for people to be paying for me, just because I fucked up.
Haven't heard from Britton...but guess didn't really expect to. I was shocked that he even added me on Facebook to tell you the truth. Ron and I text during the day and sometimes talk on-line. I wish I lived closer to him, so I could get to know him better. I just don't see how all of this is going to be possible..our relationship and all. Then Bruce (in Alaska) is working a lot of hours right now. So we don't talk much. He still wants me to go out there in July.
I didn't eat any carbs yesterday...well if I did, the total was less than 20 grams. I get so hungry, but know that it will eventually pass. I have to keep looking at the bigger picture...not just today. I want to be able to fit into a swimsuit and look at least half way decent when I take my kids to hotel swimming pools next month and in June. I haven't gone to a public pool in YEARS. I would like to be able to do that as well. Plus I have to meet my ex's gf for the first time next month and I don't want to be THIS big. I just feel like sometimes throwing in the towel and saying fuck it..let myself eat and get HUGE, but I would be miserable (even more so than I am now) and so won't let myself do that.
Monday, April 11, 2011
MY WEIGHT...
I am sooo tired of being fat. Now I'm back to 303!!! I will NOT let myself get any higher than this again. That's done. I refuse to let food control my life. It's hard..because I'm always hungry. But I just can't gain back all the weight I have lost. If I do, I will never lose it. I will just keep getting bigger and bigger. I couldn't deal with that. With everything that is going on, I just feel like running away sometimes.
A LONG BUT FUN WEEKEND....
I had a good time this past weekend.:) Though it wore me out! All the driving about kicked my butt. Went to see Ron on Friday...got there around 4:00pm...traffic into Denver was crazy! He's a cool guy...though he doesn't have much patience with anyone and every other word seems to be "fuck." He's Italian, he's a little shorter than me. Wears baggy clothes...which looks good on him..even though he IS 39. Has a Boston accent..which I love. Wears quite a bit of jewelry...a couple of rings some chains and all. We went and got the room, then went and got something to eat. We then went to a bar called "The Cuckoo's Nest." They have a free poker tournament that you have to sign up for. So he signed us up for that. If you're the last one in, then you get a $25 bar tab...you spend more than that on drinks while you're playing!LOL I had never played Texas Hold'em in "real life," only on the computer, so I was afraid I was going to make a complete fool of myself. I did OK though and stayed in for about an hour and a half! I then later played at another table..but the first one, Ron was only in for the first hand, then he lost everything...played with chips. He was pissed off about that. But he played later as well. We both had some to drink...me "screwdrivers' and him beer. I hate the taste of beer. Anyway, met a couple of cool people there...a lesbian named Gretchen and a younger guy named Ian. Gretchen was sitting next to Ron and talking and joking with him. Later she took me aside and asked what the hell I was doing with him, considering he has no money, no job, no car, etc. That I was better than that, had 3 kids to raise and didn't need to raise him too. She was drunk as well. She was just voicing some of what I was feeling at the time.:( I wish I knew her last name. She was totally cool. Then Ian...I sat next to him for some of the tournament and we talked some. He was pretty drunk too. He was a Marine, but had gotten out. I wish I knew both of their last names. I think it would be cool to hang out again. Then we left there and went back to the room. Pretty much crashed. Though there was some fooling around going on. Got up the next morning, watched part of "Transformers 2" on the movies channel..very cool movie by the way. Then we went to Golden, CO. It's right by Denver...a suburb like Denver has. It's beautiful there!! It's it's only little town. I could see myself living there someday. The Coors Brewery is there and we went on a free tour of that. That was cool!! Then we walked downtown Golden for awhile and ate some pizza. It was a great day. He wanted me to stay another night..his roommates said I could stay there..I didn't meet his roommates..maybe next time. I had already told Allison that I would be in Colorado Springs for her 30th birthday on Saturday night. So just took Ron back to his place. I do miss him and he says he misses me. Wants to spend more time with me. I can't see him living in my hometown..too small for him and not much to do. He would go crazy. Like I said, it might be cool to live in Golden, but I don't like change and don't see myself moving up there any time soon. If we did, it would probably be in the Summer of 2012. So not sure if Ron and I will be together that long. He asked me on Saturday if we were together now and I told him sure. He's worried about how we're going to make it work too. I'm the one who is going to have to do it all though.:( Make the 3 hour trip up there, maybe get a room for a night or two, spend money that I really don't have to go out and do things. So I don't know if I see this going anywhere or not.
Left Denver on Saturday around 4:30pm. Got to Allisons' around 6. She's as beautiful as she ever was....skinny and all that. I felt huge really. Her mom and younger sister, Tracy, were there as well. Some friends came over..Christina and Heather. Then her guy friend, Chris. He seems like a nice guy and is pretty hot.:) He was driving, since he wasn't going to be drinking. Allison's other friends from our hometown, Lisa and her bf, Phillip came down and rode with us. Went an awesome country western bar..can't remember the name right now. There was a line of people waiting to get in..so weird for me coming from a small town and all. I felt underdressed though. I mean I had jeans and a nice t-shirt on, but Allison and everyone else was really thin and had awesome dresses on. We got to go to the head of the line, because Allison and Chris know people there and had already booked for a b-day party. It was soooo cool in there!! As soon as we got there, another guy came over...Allison goes to mechanics school with him...yes she's going to be a mechanic! Every guys' dream...a hot mechanic!LOL He's 33, a cowboy and his name is Britton. I drank a bit and was already feeling pretty good..since I really hadn't eaten that day. I danced a 2 step with Britton. I asked him. I can't dance at all..so he showed me some.LOL Otherwise, we stood around and talked constantly. It was sooo cool. It's just a friend thing..but the vodka loosens my tongue some and I asked if I could kiss him or some stupid thing like that..don't really remember. He said no. OK, so THAT was embarrassing! I mean I didn't expect him to say yes..I didn't expect anything considering I didn't even mean to say it.:( I felt sooo bad, because we were talking really good up until that point and then it became awkward even though I apologized. Oh also during our conversation, I had given him numerous "outs." If I was talking too much, that I would back off so he could talk to other girls or whatever. He always said that I was fine. Even after my slip up, and I was watching other people dance and trying not to feel mortified, he stuck around that immediate area. Before we left, I gave him a hug and told him once again that I was sorry. He said it was cool and when I asked if we were still friends, he said we were. I was having my doubts though. Went back to Allison's and crashed. I left around 1:30pm on Sunday for the drive home...still kinda tired. I texted Allison when I got home and asked if I should go on her facebook page and send him a friend request. She told me to go for it as she didn't have that kind of interest in him. So I sent the request and THEN read his wall. He says in different posts that he wants to find a woman that accepts him for him. Then in one post...I was like WTF? I really felt that I had made a fool of myself after that. He was rude...it was like in the middle of March..said that all the girls that liked him were fat and that he had standards, etc. That he had to be an asshole to them and tell them he wasn't interested, etc. I was like WOW. He wants acceptance, but doesn't want to give it. So I sent him another message saying that I felt really stupid then, since I'm fat and all. Told him I didn't want a hook up, just a friend thing. Didn't really think he would add me, but he did. So wrote a longer message, just talking some. So we'll see how that friendship goes.
I fucked up again..for one thing, I have NO money, For another, I thought I could "win" it back, by going on-line. Well all I have on there is my mom's checking acct. info, so I used her fucking bank account AGAIN!!!!!! What the FUCK his wrong with me?? She told me not to. Now I owe her another $150 and I don't have it. I need to cover that or they will charge her for it...and it's in $50 increments!!! I don't know who to ask, though I did ask a few people on facebook...that MIGHT be willing to help. I told them that I oculd pay them back on May 3rd. I have heard back from a few of them and so far, nobody can help me.:( I'm panicky and don't know what the hell to do. I haven't told mom yet and it won't show up in her bank account for a couple of days, but STILL!! I'm just totally stressing out over this. I know it's my own fault, but it's still bad. I don't know what to do.
I have felt bloated and everything this weekend. I want this weight OFF! So this week (before I go to Vegas with no money), I'm not going to eat ANY carbs and drink a lot of water. Exercise a couple of times a day, etc. Tired of being this way.
Time to get the kids up for school. Talk to you later. Hope this wasn't TOOO long.
Left Denver on Saturday around 4:30pm. Got to Allisons' around 6. She's as beautiful as she ever was....skinny and all that. I felt huge really. Her mom and younger sister, Tracy, were there as well. Some friends came over..Christina and Heather. Then her guy friend, Chris. He seems like a nice guy and is pretty hot.:) He was driving, since he wasn't going to be drinking. Allison's other friends from our hometown, Lisa and her bf, Phillip came down and rode with us. Went an awesome country western bar..can't remember the name right now. There was a line of people waiting to get in..so weird for me coming from a small town and all. I felt underdressed though. I mean I had jeans and a nice t-shirt on, but Allison and everyone else was really thin and had awesome dresses on. We got to go to the head of the line, because Allison and Chris know people there and had already booked for a b-day party. It was soooo cool in there!! As soon as we got there, another guy came over...Allison goes to mechanics school with him...yes she's going to be a mechanic! Every guys' dream...a hot mechanic!LOL He's 33, a cowboy and his name is Britton. I drank a bit and was already feeling pretty good..since I really hadn't eaten that day. I danced a 2 step with Britton. I asked him. I can't dance at all..so he showed me some.LOL Otherwise, we stood around and talked constantly. It was sooo cool. It's just a friend thing..but the vodka loosens my tongue some and I asked if I could kiss him or some stupid thing like that..don't really remember. He said no. OK, so THAT was embarrassing! I mean I didn't expect him to say yes..I didn't expect anything considering I didn't even mean to say it.:( I felt sooo bad, because we were talking really good up until that point and then it became awkward even though I apologized. Oh also during our conversation, I had given him numerous "outs." If I was talking too much, that I would back off so he could talk to other girls or whatever. He always said that I was fine. Even after my slip up, and I was watching other people dance and trying not to feel mortified, he stuck around that immediate area. Before we left, I gave him a hug and told him once again that I was sorry. He said it was cool and when I asked if we were still friends, he said we were. I was having my doubts though. Went back to Allison's and crashed. I left around 1:30pm on Sunday for the drive home...still kinda tired. I texted Allison when I got home and asked if I should go on her facebook page and send him a friend request. She told me to go for it as she didn't have that kind of interest in him. So I sent the request and THEN read his wall. He says in different posts that he wants to find a woman that accepts him for him. Then in one post...I was like WTF? I really felt that I had made a fool of myself after that. He was rude...it was like in the middle of March..said that all the girls that liked him were fat and that he had standards, etc. That he had to be an asshole to them and tell them he wasn't interested, etc. I was like WOW. He wants acceptance, but doesn't want to give it. So I sent him another message saying that I felt really stupid then, since I'm fat and all. Told him I didn't want a hook up, just a friend thing. Didn't really think he would add me, but he did. So wrote a longer message, just talking some. So we'll see how that friendship goes.
I fucked up again..for one thing, I have NO money, For another, I thought I could "win" it back, by going on-line. Well all I have on there is my mom's checking acct. info, so I used her fucking bank account AGAIN!!!!!! What the FUCK his wrong with me?? She told me not to. Now I owe her another $150 and I don't have it. I need to cover that or they will charge her for it...and it's in $50 increments!!! I don't know who to ask, though I did ask a few people on facebook...that MIGHT be willing to help. I told them that I oculd pay them back on May 3rd. I have heard back from a few of them and so far, nobody can help me.:( I'm panicky and don't know what the hell to do. I haven't told mom yet and it won't show up in her bank account for a couple of days, but STILL!! I'm just totally stressing out over this. I know it's my own fault, but it's still bad. I don't know what to do.
I have felt bloated and everything this weekend. I want this weight OFF! So this week (before I go to Vegas with no money), I'm not going to eat ANY carbs and drink a lot of water. Exercise a couple of times a day, etc. Tired of being this way.
Time to get the kids up for school. Talk to you later. Hope this wasn't TOOO long.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A LONG DAY....
My 18 year old niece,Justine....I don't know what it is with her and animals, but she's constantly wanting more. Which pisses my mom and step-dad off to no end considering she lives with them. She wanted me to take her to Colorado Springs today to get an German Shepherd that this family needed to get rid of..not that they wanted to, but the womans' mom is sick in a different state and they couldn't take the dog. So we drive 2 hours BOTH ways..straight down and back so she could get the dog. Now I'm not really a dog person, but this dog is actually pretty good. She did really well on the way home. But, needless to say, neither the dog nor Justine is staying at home tonight. She's staying at a friends' house (and this "friend" is a druggie)...I swear that both her and her mom attract them! Anyway, my step-dad doesn't know yet, but I'm pretty sure he's going to be pissed. Plus she's supposed to graduate this year (she goes the the alternative high school) and it's not looking too good right now. I don't know why she just can't do her work and get it done and over with. Graduate and then go mess up her life by hanging out with the wrong people. I don't know. I love her immensely..but I don't understand her sometimes. So I had that long trip today and then have to do it again tomorrow when I go to Denver. I think I will have a nice time..but who really knows until I get there. Some people that you can talk to on the phone or text..when you meet them in person, you're like WTF was I thinking?! Hopefully that isn't the case with Ron. I will keep you posted.
I am DEFINITELY going to Vegas on the 18th. Booked my flight and everything. I hope it all goes according to plan. I'm always in constant fear that when I plan something..that it's all going to go wrong at the last minute. The 18th will be a LONG day. I have to take a shuttle from my hometown to Denver...3 hours..to the bus station..then get a RTD bus from there to the airport..another hour. Get checked in and everything, then wait about 3 hours for my flight. But that's OK. At least nobody has to drive me up there and I don't have to drive myself and risk getting lost AND have to pay for parking as well. Then when I come back on the 22nd..I'm not sure who is picking me up. My plane doesn't get in til like 10:45pm. I asked my ex (I still rely on him for too much) and he wasn't sure that he could...he used to be willing to do things like that for me..even after he left...now not so much. I think she's telling him crap. Who knows.
On the way home from moms' tonight, one of my sons' asked me who I loved best out of the 3 of them..they have asked this before and I tell them that I love all of them the same and won't even answer that question. So he just laughed. I asked them "who do you love more me or dad." I was just joking around since they had asked me the other question. In unison, they said "you!" I find that sweet and all, but feel bad for both them and Dave. That Dave has done things to make them think differently of him. Then, my 7 year old, Matthew, said it was because "dads break up marriages and hurt wives' hearts." Out of the mouths of babes.
I am DEFINITELY going to Vegas on the 18th. Booked my flight and everything. I hope it all goes according to plan. I'm always in constant fear that when I plan something..that it's all going to go wrong at the last minute. The 18th will be a LONG day. I have to take a shuttle from my hometown to Denver...3 hours..to the bus station..then get a RTD bus from there to the airport..another hour. Get checked in and everything, then wait about 3 hours for my flight. But that's OK. At least nobody has to drive me up there and I don't have to drive myself and risk getting lost AND have to pay for parking as well. Then when I come back on the 22nd..I'm not sure who is picking me up. My plane doesn't get in til like 10:45pm. I asked my ex (I still rely on him for too much) and he wasn't sure that he could...he used to be willing to do things like that for me..even after he left...now not so much. I think she's telling him crap. Who knows.
On the way home from moms' tonight, one of my sons' asked me who I loved best out of the 3 of them..they have asked this before and I tell them that I love all of them the same and won't even answer that question. So he just laughed. I asked them "who do you love more me or dad." I was just joking around since they had asked me the other question. In unison, they said "you!" I find that sweet and all, but feel bad for both them and Dave. That Dave has done things to make them think differently of him. Then, my 7 year old, Matthew, said it was because "dads break up marriages and hurt wives' hearts." Out of the mouths of babes.
THE WEEKEND AND BEYOND.....
I plan on going to Denver this weekend to meet Ron for the first time. I'm excited and nervous. But then I have conflicting emotions as well. I really like Ron, but I'm supposed to go to Alaska in July to see Bruce. That's on my bucket list definitely. Unfinished business. I hope my jeep makes it to Denver!! It always worries me when I go somewhere by myself that something crazy like breaking down in the middle of nowhere is going to happen.:( I have to be careful with my money though. I'm not sure if I'm going to Vegas or not on the 18th..I may be able to swing it. I need to talk to Chris today and see what he wants to do. I want to go, but I'm concerned about having money for the rest of the month. It's hard for me to budget..especially since I can't seem to stop gambling.:( I'm going to have to get help somewhere. I definitely need it. I thought I could stop on my own, but it's not looking too good.
I also plan on going to the birthday party in Colorado Springs on Saturday night.:) It should be fun.
My ex isn't on my facebook page...but he is on my sons'. So I can look at his page from there and also his gf's. I know that may be weird.LOL It's nothing major, but it's all "I love you," "Can't wait to see you," etc. etc. He has her in his relationship status. We have some of the same friends. So while he's putting all this lovey dovey crap on his...here I am saying basically that I miss him, dedicated a song to two to him, etc. Pretty much looking like an idiot. Think any of our mutual "friends" would give me a heads up?? Nope. At least then, I would have known to keep my mouth shut and not look like a fool for not being able to get over it yet.:( So I put a post up basically saying thanks for nothing...I removed it awhile ago though...it was a bit harsh. Just kind of pisses me off that nobody said anything to me, ya know? I would rather know than not know. Then on one of her posts..she was talking about someone else and she said something about karma biting someone in the ass. I'm thinking to myself "yeah like YOU need to be talking about karma!!"LOL
As for the diet....I have been HORRIBLE the past week. Maybe not that long, but close to it. I haven't been exercising and have been eating a lot of crap that I shouldn't be. I need to get back in the swing of things. I REFUSE to gain all the weight back that I have lost.
I also plan on going to the birthday party in Colorado Springs on Saturday night.:) It should be fun.
My ex isn't on my facebook page...but he is on my sons'. So I can look at his page from there and also his gf's. I know that may be weird.LOL It's nothing major, but it's all "I love you," "Can't wait to see you," etc. etc. He has her in his relationship status. We have some of the same friends. So while he's putting all this lovey dovey crap on his...here I am saying basically that I miss him, dedicated a song to two to him, etc. Pretty much looking like an idiot. Think any of our mutual "friends" would give me a heads up?? Nope. At least then, I would have known to keep my mouth shut and not look like a fool for not being able to get over it yet.:( So I put a post up basically saying thanks for nothing...I removed it awhile ago though...it was a bit harsh. Just kind of pisses me off that nobody said anything to me, ya know? I would rather know than not know. Then on one of her posts..she was talking about someone else and she said something about karma biting someone in the ass. I'm thinking to myself "yeah like YOU need to be talking about karma!!"LOL
As for the diet....I have been HORRIBLE the past week. Maybe not that long, but close to it. I haven't been exercising and have been eating a lot of crap that I shouldn't be. I need to get back in the swing of things. I REFUSE to gain all the weight back that I have lost.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
WEDNESDAY MORNING
Well yesterday Dave said we need to talk. Which is an unusual thing...since I'm usually the one who says that and then does ALL the talking. So I was a bit hesitant and nervous to talk to him. He said that he had thought a lot and that I was right when I told him he was being a jerk and that I DO deserve more respect than what he has been giving me. That he doesn't think he can handle being away from the boys for any length of time, so he will "do his best" to stay here and not move to Denver. Now if he will just stick to that. He said he missed me too. I asked him on a scale of 1-10 how much he loved Gracie. He said an 8-9. I definitely can't compete with that. I told him that I was just having a hard time losing my best friend. We are going to work on getting along better. It's still hard for me, because he doesn't want me.;( But at least he's going to be around here for the boys for now. I will have to be happy with that. He still wants me to go to Denver in mid-May for the boys' bowling tournament..even though she will be there too. I haven't decided if I can do that or not. I know I'm an adult and all, but I still feel like kicking her ass. Did I forget to mention that Dave kissed me? I don't know what that was about. It was nice and all, but I kept thinking about him with her. Yuck.
Well...I was supposed to bowl yesterday afternoon (on a bowling league). I ended up not going at the last minute. See, I was going to go to Vegas on the 18th...my friend, Chris, sent me $100 towards a ticket. Well I had to wait until this week to get it, because I had to wait for my other money. Well it's still not here. Plus the tickets have now gone up in price. So that pissed me off...that my money wasn't here yet and that the prices went up. PLUS the flight that I could find, leaves Denver at like 6:40am!! There's no way. So I texted Chris and told him that I was sorry, but that I had fucked up and I wouldn't be able to come out. I can't bowl when I'm mad or upset. So I just went and laid down and listened to my ipod for awhile. Chris told me we would figure it out. There is a flight that leaves the evening of the 18th, but it just all depends on when I get my money and if that flight is still available at that time.
THEN mom found out that I was still gambling some..I can't seem to stop. It's embarrassing. So she was upset with me about that even though I'm covering it. She was also upset, because instead of pills, she now has to give herself insulin shots.:( Anyway, moms' friend, J, wants me to start going to some Bible Study group with her on Wednesday and Friday nights. It's pretty much a thing for former addicts...drugs mostly. J is one of those..prescription drugs. Anyway...I don't hink that would be a great idea. Why would I want to know who former drug users are? So I would know who to find if I ever wanted to "score?" Is that what you call it? LOL I've never done drugs..well smoked a little weed in my early 20's, and sure as hell not going to start now. That's an addiction I don't need. Do I need help for my gambling? Yes probably. But I don't see that happening any time soon. Plus Wednesday nights are Bingo nights.:) Though I doubt I will be going tonight. Lack of money.
The weight thing is pretty crappy. I was pissed off and upst yesterday, so decided I needed to eat...so falling back into THAT habit again.:( I weighed on Monday and was 297. I'm disgusted with myself. A girl I used to babysit..she is thin and beautiful, is turning 30 on Saturday and is having a party at a bar in Colorado Springs. I plan on going. BUT I thinking to myself "maybe I shouldn't go. I'm probably going to be the only fat girl there and no guy is going to want to talk to me, why even go and humiliate myself as I sit there by myself while A and all of her equally thin, beautiful friends get all the attention?"
I hate that little voice inside of my head sometimes.
Well...I was supposed to bowl yesterday afternoon (on a bowling league). I ended up not going at the last minute. See, I was going to go to Vegas on the 18th...my friend, Chris, sent me $100 towards a ticket. Well I had to wait until this week to get it, because I had to wait for my other money. Well it's still not here. Plus the tickets have now gone up in price. So that pissed me off...that my money wasn't here yet and that the prices went up. PLUS the flight that I could find, leaves Denver at like 6:40am!! There's no way. So I texted Chris and told him that I was sorry, but that I had fucked up and I wouldn't be able to come out. I can't bowl when I'm mad or upset. So I just went and laid down and listened to my ipod for awhile. Chris told me we would figure it out. There is a flight that leaves the evening of the 18th, but it just all depends on when I get my money and if that flight is still available at that time.
THEN mom found out that I was still gambling some..I can't seem to stop. It's embarrassing. So she was upset with me about that even though I'm covering it. She was also upset, because instead of pills, she now has to give herself insulin shots.:( Anyway, moms' friend, J, wants me to start going to some Bible Study group with her on Wednesday and Friday nights. It's pretty much a thing for former addicts...drugs mostly. J is one of those..prescription drugs. Anyway...I don't hink that would be a great idea. Why would I want to know who former drug users are? So I would know who to find if I ever wanted to "score?" Is that what you call it? LOL I've never done drugs..well smoked a little weed in my early 20's, and sure as hell not going to start now. That's an addiction I don't need. Do I need help for my gambling? Yes probably. But I don't see that happening any time soon. Plus Wednesday nights are Bingo nights.:) Though I doubt I will be going tonight. Lack of money.
The weight thing is pretty crappy. I was pissed off and upst yesterday, so decided I needed to eat...so falling back into THAT habit again.:( I weighed on Monday and was 297. I'm disgusted with myself. A girl I used to babysit..she is thin and beautiful, is turning 30 on Saturday and is having a party at a bar in Colorado Springs. I plan on going. BUT I thinking to myself "maybe I shouldn't go. I'm probably going to be the only fat girl there and no guy is going to want to talk to me, why even go and humiliate myself as I sit there by myself while A and all of her equally thin, beautiful friends get all the attention?"
I hate that little voice inside of my head sometimes.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
HOW DO I LET GO??
Well I didn't handle it well again..why can't I just let him go? I still have a lot of hurt and anger. How do I let that go? I know that I need to stay away from him..that I can't be friends with him at all. But how do I do that?? I guess it's just hard for me knowing that he's in love with someone else. That we somehow lost what we had. How do I let go of my best friend?? I know that time will help....but it's been enough time dammit and I'm over feeling like this. I thought I was past it all and now here I go again. How can I move on with anyone else when I can't get over him? I have to deal with how I feel..all of the emotional crap..then also have to try to help my kids thru it all as well. It's tiring and overwhelming at times. I know that I'm not the only person in the world going thru this..I know my kids aren't the only kids going thru it. It's just hard. My dad did the same thing. Maybe I never dealt with that, so that's part of the anger. I don't know. My dad has passed away, so I can't talk to him and resolve anything.
As far as the low carb thing...today was a decent day. I need to start exercising tomorrow and do it every day until I leave for Vegas. I guess I'm going to put an ad in the paper this week to see if I can get a ride to Denver and back. I feel weird doing that and going with someone I probably don't know...but I have to get there somehow.
As far as the low carb thing...today was a decent day. I need to start exercising tomorrow and do it every day until I leave for Vegas. I guess I'm going to put an ad in the paper this week to see if I can get a ride to Denver and back. I feel weird doing that and going with someone I probably don't know...but I have to get there somehow.
NEED TO GAIN CONTROL....
I feel so out-of-control in my life right now. My weight, my gambling, my inability to stick to a low carb eating plan (even though that's the only thing I have found that works), my feelings about Dave, etc. I know nobody ever said that life was easy, but damn. I know there are people A LOT worse off than me, but that doesn't make my problems any less important.
Weight: I'm 300 lbs AGAIN..:( I told myself that I wouldn't let myself get to that weight ever again. Since September 2010, I have been stuck between 295-300 and I hate it. I was excersing for an hour a day (to DVD's), yet my weight pretty much stayed the same. I would have to cut almost everything out of my diet to even make a dent. The lowest I have gotten on this journey is 289. I was doing good on the low carb thing yesterday...until mom and step-dad ordered pizza and I caved. "Only" had two...but then had about 5 or 6 cookies. Thing is that's pretty much all I ate yesterday...but I know in order for this to work, I can't have ANY carbs or at least VERY LOW carbs. So today is yet another "start day." If I can get thru the first 3 days or so, I think I'll be OK.
I feel guilty and ashamed about the gambling thing...and mom is going to have a FIT when she sees that I have been at it yet again. It's ridiculous. I CRAVE it and that isn't a good thing. If I was rich and could just throw money around..then cool, but I'm not and I don't.
My son, Dominic...there was a song on the radio the other day, something about if they had a million dollars, that they would buy a nice house, etc. Dominic then tells me that if he had a million dollars, he would help the people in Japan. I thought that was soooo sweet of him!!
Dave and Phillip are coming back today. How can I NOT talk to Dave?? How do I draw that line and just talk about the boys and nothing else? How do I pretend that I don't care? That I don't love him anymore, that I don't need him? When something interesting happens or whatever, I automatically want to tell HIM..when something goes wrong in my life, he's the one that I complain to, the one I depend on. How the hell do I give that up??? How do I get over the anger? I just want him back dammit! I want my life back! I want what used to be. But even if all of a sudden he "came to his senses" and decided that he didn't want her, that he wanted his family back...I couldn't ever trust or believe him again..so I KNOW in my head that it would never be the same, but try telling that to my HEART. I'm tired of hearing that he needs his "happiness." Well so do I..I deserve that too. But am I leaving my kids to do that? HELL NO! The guy I used to know wouldn't have done that either. But this is a new guy..someone I don't know, someone who I can't trust or believe anymore. That sucks. Sucks that I believe everything out of his mouth is a lie. But he made it that way. "I PROMISE I will never leave you," "I PROMISE I won't leave the kids and move to Denver." There are other examples, but it's too damn early and I can't think of them right now. So when he tells me that it won't be "out of sight, out of mind" when he's away from the kids, that he will get down here "when he can" to see the kids, that he just won't disappear from their lives...I can't believe him. It makes me sick to think that he will just leave and leave his old life, his "old" family behind. I can't imagine not seeing him every day when I go to get the boys. Can't imagine him not being here when something goes wrong at the house and I need someone to fix it or whatever. Can't imagine not texting him or talking to him and joking around. How am I going to DO this????? I don't feel strong enough to do this. I'm not proud of this, but there were a few times that I begged him to stay. I still feel like doing that at times, even though I know it wouldn't do any good and I would just end up looking like an idiot.
As for the "other guys" in my life. Of course, I have heard nothing from Arturo and don't plan to. I did send him a card the other day. Bruce...I have no idea. He says that he loves talking to me, that he loves me and always will. That he still wants to see me in July and that he's saving money towards that. He doesn't like texting. He would rather talk on the phone. He was going to call last night and didn't. I know that he has a life of his own, that I have done the same thing to him a time or two..maybe a few more. Told him I would call at a certain time, but then something would come up and I wouldn't call him. Now I know how he felt. The whole karma thing, I guess. I need to be more aware of how my actions affect other people. I still text Ron some, but not as much as I was. I know he wonders what is going on. I just don't see how that could go anywhere. He can't come here and live with me. Not now and maybe not ever, because I can't afford to support someone else and besides, I wouldn't have any respect for him if I had to do that. When he does have any money, he's drinking or getting high. Pretty sure I don't need that in my life. I could lie to myself and say all of that would stop if he was with me, but most likely it wouldn't. Yet I always give people the benefit of the doubt and usually end up getting screwed over. Think I would learn from past mistakes, but obviously I don't. I'm supposed to go up there next weekend. Yes I would like to see him. BUT I would have to pay for the gas and not sure my jeep would even make it up there...been sounding "funny" lately. Then I would have to pay for a hotel room for two nights, since he lives with roommates and I would feel uncomfortable staying there when I don't know anyone. THEN I would have to pay for the food too, since he doesn't have any money. I just don't have the money for all of that....yet I STILL manage to blow the fucking stuff on gambling!!!!:( Damn..I need to get it together. I'm going to Vegas soon and though I have the cash to get out there...I already told Chris that I'm not going to have much money while I'm there. It's embarrassing. But I've been trying to stick to a "budget," I'm just not very good at it. OK enough for now. Too many thoughts in my head and I keep jumping around all over the place here...sorry about that. Till next time.....
Weight: I'm 300 lbs AGAIN..:( I told myself that I wouldn't let myself get to that weight ever again. Since September 2010, I have been stuck between 295-300 and I hate it. I was excersing for an hour a day (to DVD's), yet my weight pretty much stayed the same. I would have to cut almost everything out of my diet to even make a dent. The lowest I have gotten on this journey is 289. I was doing good on the low carb thing yesterday...until mom and step-dad ordered pizza and I caved. "Only" had two...but then had about 5 or 6 cookies. Thing is that's pretty much all I ate yesterday...but I know in order for this to work, I can't have ANY carbs or at least VERY LOW carbs. So today is yet another "start day." If I can get thru the first 3 days or so, I think I'll be OK.
I feel guilty and ashamed about the gambling thing...and mom is going to have a FIT when she sees that I have been at it yet again. It's ridiculous. I CRAVE it and that isn't a good thing. If I was rich and could just throw money around..then cool, but I'm not and I don't.
My son, Dominic...there was a song on the radio the other day, something about if they had a million dollars, that they would buy a nice house, etc. Dominic then tells me that if he had a million dollars, he would help the people in Japan. I thought that was soooo sweet of him!!
Dave and Phillip are coming back today. How can I NOT talk to Dave?? How do I draw that line and just talk about the boys and nothing else? How do I pretend that I don't care? That I don't love him anymore, that I don't need him? When something interesting happens or whatever, I automatically want to tell HIM..when something goes wrong in my life, he's the one that I complain to, the one I depend on. How the hell do I give that up??? How do I get over the anger? I just want him back dammit! I want my life back! I want what used to be. But even if all of a sudden he "came to his senses" and decided that he didn't want her, that he wanted his family back...I couldn't ever trust or believe him again..so I KNOW in my head that it would never be the same, but try telling that to my HEART. I'm tired of hearing that he needs his "happiness." Well so do I..I deserve that too. But am I leaving my kids to do that? HELL NO! The guy I used to know wouldn't have done that either. But this is a new guy..someone I don't know, someone who I can't trust or believe anymore. That sucks. Sucks that I believe everything out of his mouth is a lie. But he made it that way. "I PROMISE I will never leave you," "I PROMISE I won't leave the kids and move to Denver." There are other examples, but it's too damn early and I can't think of them right now. So when he tells me that it won't be "out of sight, out of mind" when he's away from the kids, that he will get down here "when he can" to see the kids, that he just won't disappear from their lives...I can't believe him. It makes me sick to think that he will just leave and leave his old life, his "old" family behind. I can't imagine not seeing him every day when I go to get the boys. Can't imagine him not being here when something goes wrong at the house and I need someone to fix it or whatever. Can't imagine not texting him or talking to him and joking around. How am I going to DO this????? I don't feel strong enough to do this. I'm not proud of this, but there were a few times that I begged him to stay. I still feel like doing that at times, even though I know it wouldn't do any good and I would just end up looking like an idiot.
As for the "other guys" in my life. Of course, I have heard nothing from Arturo and don't plan to. I did send him a card the other day. Bruce...I have no idea. He says that he loves talking to me, that he loves me and always will. That he still wants to see me in July and that he's saving money towards that. He doesn't like texting. He would rather talk on the phone. He was going to call last night and didn't. I know that he has a life of his own, that I have done the same thing to him a time or two..maybe a few more. Told him I would call at a certain time, but then something would come up and I wouldn't call him. Now I know how he felt. The whole karma thing, I guess. I need to be more aware of how my actions affect other people. I still text Ron some, but not as much as I was. I know he wonders what is going on. I just don't see how that could go anywhere. He can't come here and live with me. Not now and maybe not ever, because I can't afford to support someone else and besides, I wouldn't have any respect for him if I had to do that. When he does have any money, he's drinking or getting high. Pretty sure I don't need that in my life. I could lie to myself and say all of that would stop if he was with me, but most likely it wouldn't. Yet I always give people the benefit of the doubt and usually end up getting screwed over. Think I would learn from past mistakes, but obviously I don't. I'm supposed to go up there next weekend. Yes I would like to see him. BUT I would have to pay for the gas and not sure my jeep would even make it up there...been sounding "funny" lately. Then I would have to pay for a hotel room for two nights, since he lives with roommates and I would feel uncomfortable staying there when I don't know anyone. THEN I would have to pay for the food too, since he doesn't have any money. I just don't have the money for all of that....yet I STILL manage to blow the fucking stuff on gambling!!!!:( Damn..I need to get it together. I'm going to Vegas soon and though I have the cash to get out there...I already told Chris that I'm not going to have much money while I'm there. It's embarrassing. But I've been trying to stick to a "budget," I'm just not very good at it. OK enough for now. Too many thoughts in my head and I keep jumping around all over the place here...sorry about that. Till next time.....
Friday, April 1, 2011
FRIDAY NIGHT
The younger two and I are at home...exciting life I lead.:) Dominic is playing the X Box and Matthew is laying next to me on the bed watching TV. I feel like I should go to bed and start another day pronto.LOL Today wasn't THAT bad..but not one of my better days. Food-wise or anything else. I ate way too much. I feel bloated and disgusted with myself. So hopefully tomorrow will be a better day where that is concerned and I will have some willpower.
Phillip went to Denver with Dave today. It was hard..but I guess not as hard as I thought it would be..not as hard as it used to be. What IS hard is when Phillip calls from there (I asked him to) and he sounds happy and like he's having a good time. That just makes me feel totally unwanted and not needed. It was bad enough when it was just my ex not wanting me and needing me..but then I feel that I'm not a good enough mom at these times too..even though I know that's crazy. I do the best I can and love my boys more than my own life. Someday I WILL get totally past this..I just can't say when.
Then I wasn't going to gamble on-line anymore. Well that went out the window. I really need to stop. Worse is that I use my moms' checking account and even though I cover all the money I spend, the fact is she will know (she knows that I have done it before, but told me to stop). I don't look forward to THAT conversation. Hell I'm 41 and I shouldn't even be doing crap like that. I should have just opened my own checking account (I closed mine years ago..because it's better NOT to have checks). Anyway, I need to chill and quit being stupid.
You know how I said before that either all the guys are talking to me or none? Right now, it's none. Which is probably good, because I don't feel like talking to anyone really. Believe me, that's a rare thing for me!!LOL I just get in these moods sometimes where I just want to be unsociable. This is one of those times.
I'm planning on going to Vegas on the 18th-22nd to see a friend. I look forward to that.:) The first time I was there as an adult was last July and it was just for a couple of days, but I had a blast! My friends' name is Chris. He's a cool guy and just a friend. We have a little bit of chemistry, but nothing major. We had fun hanging out last Summer and I think we'll have fun this time. It was his idea for me to come out and is paying for half of it. I thought that was cool. I do feel weird leaving the kids though. I just worry a lot. My mom will watch them most of that week, since Dave has to work. I hope she feels up to it. Now I just need to find a ride to the airport in Denver!!
Phillip went to Denver with Dave today. It was hard..but I guess not as hard as I thought it would be..not as hard as it used to be. What IS hard is when Phillip calls from there (I asked him to) and he sounds happy and like he's having a good time. That just makes me feel totally unwanted and not needed. It was bad enough when it was just my ex not wanting me and needing me..but then I feel that I'm not a good enough mom at these times too..even though I know that's crazy. I do the best I can and love my boys more than my own life. Someday I WILL get totally past this..I just can't say when.
Then I wasn't going to gamble on-line anymore. Well that went out the window. I really need to stop. Worse is that I use my moms' checking account and even though I cover all the money I spend, the fact is she will know (she knows that I have done it before, but told me to stop). I don't look forward to THAT conversation. Hell I'm 41 and I shouldn't even be doing crap like that. I should have just opened my own checking account (I closed mine years ago..because it's better NOT to have checks). Anyway, I need to chill and quit being stupid.
You know how I said before that either all the guys are talking to me or none? Right now, it's none. Which is probably good, because I don't feel like talking to anyone really. Believe me, that's a rare thing for me!!LOL I just get in these moods sometimes where I just want to be unsociable. This is one of those times.
I'm planning on going to Vegas on the 18th-22nd to see a friend. I look forward to that.:) The first time I was there as an adult was last July and it was just for a couple of days, but I had a blast! My friends' name is Chris. He's a cool guy and just a friend. We have a little bit of chemistry, but nothing major. We had fun hanging out last Summer and I think we'll have fun this time. It was his idea for me to come out and is paying for half of it. I thought that was cool. I do feel weird leaving the kids though. I just worry a lot. My mom will watch them most of that week, since Dave has to work. I hope she feels up to it. Now I just need to find a ride to the airport in Denver!!
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