I'm happy to say that Mike called me last night.:) I went over to his place and hung out. He's a cool guy. I don't think he wants anything serious, but hopefully we can be friends at least. Maybe FWB. He has an awesome smile. He's quiet, but funny. He is an exellent artist. He showed me one of his drawings. I wish I had that talent! He's really not my type..shorter than me and thin...I feel like an Amazon in those situations.LOL But I like being around him. So we'll just see how it goes.
I'm doing OK on low carb...not as good as I should be though. Have lost a few pounds. Official weigh-in will be on Wednesdays.
My mom goes in tomorrow to hear her results of her stress test. I already know they aren't good. One of the doctors told her that she had "failed" it. Will just to see how bad it is and go from there, I guess.
.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
LIFE
Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Dave actually had the balls to ask me if I would consider moving to Denver! I was like HELL NO! I can't even believe he asked me that. He wants it all...wants to live with is gf AND have the kids around. He's like "there are a lot of opportunities up there for you." Like this is about ME! Please. I have no friends or family up there and I would have to put the kids in a city school? I don't think so. He really needs to get a grip.
Things are going OK with Arturo...same ol'. I still love him, no doubt. I'm just having a hard time getting past how he acted in December. How can I count on someone that every time he gets mad at me, he just disappears or ignores me for however long he feels like?
Went out last weekend with some friends and had a fun time. Met a guy named Mike. Won't put his last name. He is really quiet or seems that way. I went to school with his brother, but don't remember him. Anyway, we ended up hooking up. I always say I'm not going to do that and always end up doing it anyway. He gave me his phone number and then later on asked one of my friends for mine. I called him on the 23rd and he sounded happy to hear from me. Then he called me last night and we talked for quite awhile. Said he would call me today, but didn't. So called him tonight to see how he was doing and he just seemed like he didn't want to talk to me and didn't have much to say. So I told him I would talk to him later. He said he would call me tomorrow, but I won't hold my breath. I will learn eventually. I try to "live in the moment" these days. Maybe that isn't always a good thing? I really liked him too. Oh well, after a week or so of not hearing from him, I should be back to being me and not being so upset about it.
Hung out with an old friend today. His name is also Mike. Will call him Big Mike so people will know the difference. He's 29. He's a cool guy. If he was single, I would love to date him, but he's not. But hopefully we can keep up our friendship anyway.
Still on Atkins...Day 8. I'm doing OK. It's hard though. I will weigh in on Friday and let you know how that goes. I DO have more energy though.:) That's a plus.
Things are going OK with Arturo...same ol'. I still love him, no doubt. I'm just having a hard time getting past how he acted in December. How can I count on someone that every time he gets mad at me, he just disappears or ignores me for however long he feels like?
Went out last weekend with some friends and had a fun time. Met a guy named Mike. Won't put his last name. He is really quiet or seems that way. I went to school with his brother, but don't remember him. Anyway, we ended up hooking up. I always say I'm not going to do that and always end up doing it anyway. He gave me his phone number and then later on asked one of my friends for mine. I called him on the 23rd and he sounded happy to hear from me. Then he called me last night and we talked for quite awhile. Said he would call me today, but didn't. So called him tonight to see how he was doing and he just seemed like he didn't want to talk to me and didn't have much to say. So I told him I would talk to him later. He said he would call me tomorrow, but I won't hold my breath. I will learn eventually. I try to "live in the moment" these days. Maybe that isn't always a good thing? I really liked him too. Oh well, after a week or so of not hearing from him, I should be back to being me and not being so upset about it.
Hung out with an old friend today. His name is also Mike. Will call him Big Mike so people will know the difference. He's 29. He's a cool guy. If he was single, I would love to date him, but he's not. But hopefully we can keep up our friendship anyway.
Still on Atkins...Day 8. I'm doing OK. It's hard though. I will weigh in on Friday and let you know how that goes. I DO have more energy though.:) That's a plus.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
LIFE IS GOOD....
I have decided to be more positive about life. Not always an easy thing for me.LOL OK, as for the boys and my ex...I get angry sometimes and say and do things that I don't really mean. This is a place for me to vent and I understand that by doing that, I'm putting myself out there to be criticized. But writing helps me thru it, so I will deal with any criticism that may come my way. Just please try to refrain from the name calling.;) The boys have seen their dad almost every day this week and that's not going to change any time soon. Though I may "threaten" that every now and then. I know that they love and need each other. I'm NOT going to hurt my kids just because I'm hurt. They've been thru enough with all of this.
I started on Atkins on the 18th. I have tried it before and have gotten fast results. It's just hard for me to stick to. I love carbs and sugar. Just tired of being stuck at this weight for so long. So will let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!:)
I started on Atkins on the 18th. I have tried it before and have gotten fast results. It's just hard for me to stick to. I love carbs and sugar. Just tired of being stuck at this weight for so long. So will let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!:)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Anonymous commenter.....
Seriously....since you are too chicken to actually put a face with your name...shut the hell up. Not that I owe you or anyone an explaination, but HE is the one that keeps stringing me along! If you don't know the whole situation, then you need to keep your mouth shut. He's the one that calls and texts all the time. Wants to hang out. My parents put my sisters and I in the middle when they were divorcing, so I know how crappy that is. Believe me, I'm NOT keeping them from him. He is supposed to have them on weekends...that's what we agreed on and that's what's in the papers. He sees them EVERY DAY. I'm just saying that he doesn't need to see them EVERY DAY. He's the one that bailed. There are consequences to everything. THEN he wants ME to move to Denver, so that he can move there and be with his gf!! Then he won't have to choose between her and the boys. Well guess what???? NOT gonna happen! So if I'm being a bitch or as you put it an "asshole," then so be it. You need to get a grip and find something better to do with your life instead of judging others. Peace.
Monday, January 17, 2011
A NEW PERSPECTIVE...
I'm going to TRY to be more happy and optimistic instead of sooo pessimistic and negative all the time. I read some of my posts on Facebook and I'm thinking "people are going to think that I'm always depressed." I'm not. Just have hard days, but even then, I need to think postive thoughts and go on.
Dennis e-mailed me the other day and wants to be friends...unless it starts to interefere with him and his wife. I told him that was fine. He can e-mail me when he wants and I'll reply, but I'm not going to just send him one. Arturo has called twice since I last wrote (one being yesterday) and I also got a letter from him.:) He sent a couple of pics. He is soooo hot!! The letter...well I guess I expected more of an apology than what I got, but the phone conversations were nice. He told me that he's scared that he will push me away. He has been in prison for almost 13 year...it's going to take him awhile to learn to deal with things again. He sees the parole board in May again. I hope that he gets out this year, so we can be together. We'll see though.
Dave went to Denver this past weekend. I'm not too happy with him at the moment. Just by the way he treated me on Friday..the day he left. He texts me a lot when he's here. Calls in the mornings to make sure the boys and I are up to get them off to school. Texts me before he goes to bed, etc. I let myself get used to that. Then he treats me totally differently when he is going up there. No phone call, texts. All I got on Friday is one telling me what time he left for Denver and then when he got there. He called a couple of times over the weekend to talk to the boys. I just handed the phone to one of the boys when I saw that it was him. I didn't want to talk to him. Then last night, I told him he was being an ass. I have told him numerous times that he needs to treat me with respect and quit being a jerk and thinking only of himself. He sees the boys every day, even though in the divorce papers, it says that he can have them on weekends. I told him that if he's going to be such an ass, that I will be a bitch and just let him see them on the weekends and no other time. He gets upset over that, but I'm tired of bending over backwards for him and then getting walked on. I also told him that I just need to distance myself more from him. It's too hard for me to see him daily and talk to him all the time. He has moved way past me and obviously, I haven't totally moved on. It's a complicated situation.
My diet has sucked big time lately. I just want to eat all the friggin time. I have stayed between 295-300 lbs for months now. I work out for an hour a day and that's just helping to maintain my weight, I guess. So I either have to quit eating or exercise even more. It annoys me and I get frustrated. My jeans are looser and all and my stomach is a bit smaller. Just wish the scale would reflect that.
Dennis e-mailed me the other day and wants to be friends...unless it starts to interefere with him and his wife. I told him that was fine. He can e-mail me when he wants and I'll reply, but I'm not going to just send him one. Arturo has called twice since I last wrote (one being yesterday) and I also got a letter from him.:) He sent a couple of pics. He is soooo hot!! The letter...well I guess I expected more of an apology than what I got, but the phone conversations were nice. He told me that he's scared that he will push me away. He has been in prison for almost 13 year...it's going to take him awhile to learn to deal with things again. He sees the parole board in May again. I hope that he gets out this year, so we can be together. We'll see though.
Dave went to Denver this past weekend. I'm not too happy with him at the moment. Just by the way he treated me on Friday..the day he left. He texts me a lot when he's here. Calls in the mornings to make sure the boys and I are up to get them off to school. Texts me before he goes to bed, etc. I let myself get used to that. Then he treats me totally differently when he is going up there. No phone call, texts. All I got on Friday is one telling me what time he left for Denver and then when he got there. He called a couple of times over the weekend to talk to the boys. I just handed the phone to one of the boys when I saw that it was him. I didn't want to talk to him. Then last night, I told him he was being an ass. I have told him numerous times that he needs to treat me with respect and quit being a jerk and thinking only of himself. He sees the boys every day, even though in the divorce papers, it says that he can have them on weekends. I told him that if he's going to be such an ass, that I will be a bitch and just let him see them on the weekends and no other time. He gets upset over that, but I'm tired of bending over backwards for him and then getting walked on. I also told him that I just need to distance myself more from him. It's too hard for me to see him daily and talk to him all the time. He has moved way past me and obviously, I haven't totally moved on. It's a complicated situation.
My diet has sucked big time lately. I just want to eat all the friggin time. I have stayed between 295-300 lbs for months now. I work out for an hour a day and that's just helping to maintain my weight, I guess. So I either have to quit eating or exercise even more. It annoys me and I get frustrated. My jeans are looser and all and my stomach is a bit smaller. Just wish the scale would reflect that.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Ex Drama
I forgot to post about the whole ex thing. He sometimes really pisses me the hell off. His gf lives in Denver, so they are constantly texting or talking on phone. No it doesn't bother me because of my feelings anymore, but it DOES bother me when he can't control himself around our kids! I'm pretty sure he can go a couple of f**king hours without texting her and spend some quality time with our boys! I try to explain this to him...he then says he will do it..that he understands where I'm coming from, etc. He will be "good" for a few days and then be back to doing the same crap. Our oldest is having a hard time with the whole divorce thing. Plus having problems in school...just hard for him to learn things. He sees it as Dave (ex) leaving us for Gracie and her kids. He has gone to Denver with Dave before when he goes to see Gracie and even while there, Dave just leaves him to play with her kids, while they go off and do their own thing. Dave says he doesn't do that, but I believe Phillip over him. Phillip has asked him numerous times not to text her while he's around and yet he continues to do it. He is being a selfish ass and I hate it. I told him if the can't control himself and spend quality time with our kids, then I just won't let them go over there. He didn't like that...tells me to quit threatening to keep the kids from him. He doesn't get that he's alienating them himself by acting the way he does. Matthew, my youngest, tells people that Dave goes to see his "other family" in Denver! He's going to Denver this weekend actually and I think that's BS. But whatever. He needs to put his kids first and though he says he does, he really doesn't. It's all about him and HER. Yes I'm still a bit bitter, but life goes on. I deal with it on a daily basis and it's not as bad as it once was. I don't know if I will ever be totally over it. I still miss Dave. He was my best friend for a lot of years, as well as my husband. It's hard to let go of that. He says that we can always be friends and that I can always talk to him. He just doesn't get it. How hard that is for me. He has moved on. I'm still trying to figure out my life without him. Hopefully one day it will be easier.
Wednesday morning....
Well..went to Cripple Creek with Dennis on Friday and had fun. He's a nice guy.:) I won some money too, so that was awesome! I KNEW that he would go back to his wife...he was planning on getting a divorce (not because of me), but they have been together for over 34 years, so I didn't see that happening. I came back home on Saturday and he told me this on Sunday. So I'm not contacting him anymore. He needs to work on his marriage and I respect that. Do I miss talking to him? Yes. But I will get over it. Also guess who called me on Friday night?? Arturo!! What timing. Anyway, he has that inmate mentality. If you say you're going to do something, then do it. I had told him I would send him some things, but I forgot, so guess this was his way of "punishing" me???? He said he's sorry, that he loves me and only wants me, that he's afraid I'll find someone else, etc. Doesn't he realize that by him doing this that he is pushing me away? He was crying a bit...I can just tell and he said "I just fucking miss you." He was supposed to call me back on Saturday...he told me he would and he didn't...so should I act like him and be pissed off that he said he was going to do something and then didn't?? Just stupid. He's supposedly going to write me a letter this week...I'll believe that when I see it. He took away some of my trust for him and I don't even think he totally realizes that.
I have made a decision though...no more sex for awhile. I'm just done with that. I'm worth more. If there is ever a guy who actually asks me out on a real date...I may go. But there's not going to be anymore "easy piece of ass." I want something REAL. Not something that is based on sex. Will I ever find that??? I don't know. Like I have said a million times before (well maybe not THAT many), I want to be with Arturo, but will see how that plays out.
I haven't been feeling good at all. Just blah. Oh, found out on Friday that my 8 year old had strep throat.:( Luckily, he is better now. I'm not sure what MY problem is though. Just tired and "icky." Have decided to TRY not to eat much sugar, carbs, etc. and see if I feel any better. Maybe I have a food allergy? Plus maybe it'll help me lose some more weight! I'm stuck!
I have made a decision though...no more sex for awhile. I'm just done with that. I'm worth more. If there is ever a guy who actually asks me out on a real date...I may go. But there's not going to be anymore "easy piece of ass." I want something REAL. Not something that is based on sex. Will I ever find that??? I don't know. Like I have said a million times before (well maybe not THAT many), I want to be with Arturo, but will see how that plays out.
I haven't been feeling good at all. Just blah. Oh, found out on Friday that my 8 year old had strep throat.:( Luckily, he is better now. I'm not sure what MY problem is though. Just tired and "icky." Have decided to TRY not to eat much sugar, carbs, etc. and see if I feel any better. Maybe I have a food allergy? Plus maybe it'll help me lose some more weight! I'm stuck!
Friday, January 7, 2011
The weekend!
I should be in bed sleeping right now, but since I'm up, thought I might as well post.:) Gotta get the boys up for school in a little while and then get ready to leave for Cripple Creek! I'm sooo excited! Going to drive to Colorado Springs first and leave my car there and ride up with Dennis. Staying Friday night in Cripple Creek..do some gambling. Then head back to the Springs and stay there Saturday night. I hope that it turns out to be a great weekend! I'm nervous and excited at the same time! Weather is supposed to turn bad Sunday morning...hopefully I make it back before it gets too bad.
Eric (from New Years Eve) texted me last night...said he was just now getting my texts...OK, seriously...does he think I believe that?LOL He was passing thru and pretty much wanted a booty call..though he didn't come right out and say it. I told him that I have the kids tonight. He then told me that his car was big enough! Yeah whatever. So that didn't happen. I refuse to be just a booty call. If he actually wants to hang out and do things, other than have sex, then great. I'm worth more than just sex dammit. Yes it has taken me long enough to figure that out. I still love sex, don't get me wrong, but it's not everything.
I still miss Arturo with all of my heart. I try not to think about him too much anymore. I just don't understand what the hell happened. Not having any closure is hard for me. I totally trusted him, even though it's hard for me to trust anyone anymore. Then he does this. I was even thinking about marrying him! He had talked about it. So just doing my thing and trying to live my life.
Eric (from New Years Eve) texted me last night...said he was just now getting my texts...OK, seriously...does he think I believe that?LOL He was passing thru and pretty much wanted a booty call..though he didn't come right out and say it. I told him that I have the kids tonight. He then told me that his car was big enough! Yeah whatever. So that didn't happen. I refuse to be just a booty call. If he actually wants to hang out and do things, other than have sex, then great. I'm worth more than just sex dammit. Yes it has taken me long enough to figure that out. I still love sex, don't get me wrong, but it's not everything.
I still miss Arturo with all of my heart. I try not to think about him too much anymore. I just don't understand what the hell happened. Not having any closure is hard for me. I totally trusted him, even though it's hard for me to trust anyone anymore. Then he does this. I was even thinking about marrying him! He had talked about it. So just doing my thing and trying to live my life.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Being sick...
I have a pretty bad cold at the moment. Yuck. I hate being sick. Plus it's cold and VERY windy out. Makes for a depressing combination. I did manage to get my workout in yesterday and plan on doing it again today. Have to keep going. I'm determined to lose the rest of this weight this year...or at least most of it. Not much else to say right now. Still haven't heard from Arturo and I guess I have come to accept that. I think it sucks though. There are just some things that you can't control and one of them are peoples' feelings for you. They either like you or they don't. Eventually, we all find out who our real friends are. I'm going to Cripple Creek on Friday. It's a small gambling town. I love going there, but don't get to go very often. I'm heading up there with a friend. His name is Dennis. He's originally from my hometown, but I just recently started talking to him by e-mail. He's 52. We get along really well thru e-mail and on the phone, so hopefully we will in person as well. I'm not looking for anything serious...he's just coming out of a 34 year marriage. Will just be nice to hang out with someone and talk. I don't have any expectations of anything.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I plan on this being one of the best years of my life. I will do my best to stay postive and have hope. It will be hard for me. That I have no doubt. But tired of always being sad and negative. There are numerous things I want to accomplish this year:
1. Find my true love
2. Get myself healthier and lose the rest of this weight
3. Go to massage school
4. Get a job giving massages
5. Become more secure in myself and who I am
6. Don't settle for guys who just want a piece of ass
7. Know that I'm worth more than I give myself credit for
8. Be a better person and mother
9. Clean my house and get rid of all things that I don't need..all the
clutter that takes up my life
10. Make myelf better off financially
11. Not depend on anyone but myself
12. Let God control more of my life..it's hard for me to give up control
13. Take time to read more books
14. Take more time for me
15. Enjoy nature more
16. Go to church
17. Make more time for friends and not be so anti-social
18. Stop lying about things...even little things.
I guess that's it for now. That's plenty. I weighed today and am at 290 lbs. I'm happy about that. I go for 5 lb goals now...so on to 285.
I went out last night..by myself at first. Which is an amazing thing for me. I don't like going places by myself. Guess that's another thing to put on the list. I met a guy there..I know a guy at a bar isn't the best choice. He was cute, sweet, nice. He's 36 and his name is Eric. We got a hotel room and spent the night together. While I don't regret it, I DO need to get out of this habit. I'm tired of sleeping with people and it not meaning anything. We did exchange phone numbers, but whether it goes more than that, I don't know. Guess we will wait and see.
As for Arturo...I love him like you wouldn't believe. But obviously he has bailed on me. He didn't even call me for New Year's. I guess that I pretty much got the hint now. I need to learn to let go. It hurts, but guess I really didn't mean that much to him. I will miss his letters, his humor, his phone calls. But this is a new year and it's just time to move on. So hopefully next year at this time, I can tell you that I did most, if not all, the things on my list. Here's hoping....
1. Find my true love
2. Get myself healthier and lose the rest of this weight
3. Go to massage school
4. Get a job giving massages
5. Become more secure in myself and who I am
6. Don't settle for guys who just want a piece of ass
7. Know that I'm worth more than I give myself credit for
8. Be a better person and mother
9. Clean my house and get rid of all things that I don't need..all the
clutter that takes up my life
10. Make myelf better off financially
11. Not depend on anyone but myself
12. Let God control more of my life..it's hard for me to give up control
13. Take time to read more books
14. Take more time for me
15. Enjoy nature more
16. Go to church
17. Make more time for friends and not be so anti-social
18. Stop lying about things...even little things.
I guess that's it for now. That's plenty. I weighed today and am at 290 lbs. I'm happy about that. I go for 5 lb goals now...so on to 285.
I went out last night..by myself at first. Which is an amazing thing for me. I don't like going places by myself. Guess that's another thing to put on the list. I met a guy there..I know a guy at a bar isn't the best choice. He was cute, sweet, nice. He's 36 and his name is Eric. We got a hotel room and spent the night together. While I don't regret it, I DO need to get out of this habit. I'm tired of sleeping with people and it not meaning anything. We did exchange phone numbers, but whether it goes more than that, I don't know. Guess we will wait and see.
As for Arturo...I love him like you wouldn't believe. But obviously he has bailed on me. He didn't even call me for New Year's. I guess that I pretty much got the hint now. I need to learn to let go. It hurts, but guess I really didn't mean that much to him. I will miss his letters, his humor, his phone calls. But this is a new year and it's just time to move on. So hopefully next year at this time, I can tell you that I did most, if not all, the things on my list. Here's hoping....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)