YES I'M STILL ALIVE.:)

I have been very lazy about writing on here for the past week.  I am obsessed with Pinterest & have been on there A LOT.  I'm sure the people who "follow" me are totally sick of all the pins that I put on there.LOL  That's me though....become obsessed & addicted to something for awhile..then get over it.  I don't think I'm there yet with Pinterest...hopefully soon!LOL 

I lost some weight this week, so was happy about that.  I'm not getting my hopes up too much though, because I have been between like 305-318 all year.  I have only been below 305 like once this year when I was sick in July.  Hoping that I can keep up the weight loss this time.  My first goal was is to lose 14 lbs..which would put me at 299...out of the horrible 300's.  I still have like 11 lbs to go, but will get there.  I have been exercising to Richard Simmons again.  I know that some think he is a joke, but I like him & I can actually keep up with his workouts.  I may go to others after I lose a bit of weight first...I have some Jillian Michaels DVD's as well.  I miss her being on "The  Biggest Loser!"  Does anyone know when that show comes back on?  I haven't been eating a lot, but that's because we don't have much to eat....thank God I get paid on Friday!!

OK, I love the TV show "Supernatural" & couldn't wait for it to start again.  Well, I finally realized that my DVR wasn't recording it & remembered that it started at the beginning of October.  So I check the channel & everything...get this, we don't get that channel here anymore!!!!  WTF?   Optimum bought out Bresnan & they decided to drop that station!!  I guess it's been that way for a few months now (so my mom informed me).  I hadn't noticed, because I haven't been watching anything on that channel since "Supernatural" wasn't on yet.  I'm totally bummed.  I guess maybe I can find a website that has the full episodes?  I hope so.  It just sucks that I can't DVR it anymore.

OK, need to ask your opinion on this.  Like I have said before, Dave is seeing a girl named Christy.  The boys have been around her numerous times now, which is whatever.  Dave & I are taking the kids trick-or-treating on Halloween & he is bringing her..which I think will be awkward as hell.  Do you think it's "wrong" of him to bring her?  I just feel uncomfortable with it.  I don't care that he's with someone else, since him & I can't work, but I don't think that I should have to deal with yet another girlfriend of his. 

Matthew will be 9 on Saturday!!  It has gone by soooo fast!!  We are having a party for him at the bowling alley.  We usually do every year anymore, since you never know what the weather is going to do this time of year.  He's totally excited.:)

My heater went out the other day!!:(  I had someone come out & take a look at it & they say it's totally shot.  I had smelled something burning the other day, so turned it off.  Well it was smoking & everything when they tried it.  So they told me to leave it off.  I'm using a little heater that I borrowed from a friend at the moment.  The heater is only a couple of years old!  They put it in when they did weatherization on my house.  I called them & they said that their warranty had run out (of course), but that they would send someone out to look at it on Wednesday.  They told me to call the main company who made the heater, so I will do that.  I can't afford a new heater.:(  I may have to buy one from Wal-Mart to use all Winter.  The bad thing is, I don't want my pipes freezing because I won't be able to keep the whole house warm with a small heater.:(  Then there's the fact that the kids & I will have to deal with a colder house!  May have to buy some extra blankets too!!  I swear if it's not one thing.....

We have parent teacher conferences tonight for both Phillip & Dominic.  I'm sure that they will be very different on what they say.  Dominic (10) does his homework, gets things done, gets decent grades.  Phillip (14) doesn't give a crap about school, hates going, doesn't do his homework (he says he finishes it at school)..which I know isn't totally possible.  I always had homework when I was in school.  I know he's having issues with Algebra and I'm going to tell his teacher that she needs to help him more with that since I can't.  The other classes I have no idea what is going on, but guess will find out.  Not looking forward to that at all.  I wish that he cared more. 

I have to go to court in the morning for a bill that I owe.:(  I plan on paying it...it's a credit card...don't know why we have to go to court over it.  I hate doing shit like that.  It's embarrassing.  Not only that, I get sooo nervous.  It's like going to the principals office when you're a kid..though a bit worse.  Then in the afternoon, I'm going to help with Matthew's Halloween party at school.:) 

I plan on going to Canon City & hanging out with my friend Tracy on Thursday..we're going to go to Pueblo & see "Paranormal Activity 4."  Also go to lunch.  I haven't seen her for awhile, so it should be fun.:)

J & I haven't been hanging out at all.  She's mad at me.  I sent her a text yesterday saying "I miss ya" & she didn't even respond.:(  She's mad because I couldn't hang out with her a couple of weeks ago after I said that I could.  Things came up & I wasn't able to make it, but she's pissed.  I don't know what to do about that.  I miss talking to her.  Oh well, I guess.

Phillip went hunting the last couple of weekends and last week for the first time.  He had fun, but didn't get anything this year...maybe next year.  He went with my mom & step-dad a few times, then Dave took him some as well.

Is anyone else concerned about December 21st?  I'm getting a little more concerned as it gets closer.  

FRIEND MAKING MONDAYS: WINNING THE LOTTERY

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Winning the Lottery

What’s the first thing you would do for yourself if you won 100 million dollars? Note: this question is specifically for you…what would you do for fun after the family and the bills and the obvious stuff was taken care of?

I totally want some trips!!!

Hawaii

 

Ireland

 

A spa retreat for family & friends in Mexico

 

A nice truck

 

 

A mansion

 

 

A log cabin...have always wanted one!!

 

 

 

Also all the books that I wanted!!  I LOVE books!!:)  Might buy a bookstore if I won the lottery!!

 

 



 

 

 

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s question! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments! Happy Monday, friends…

BEING SAD

I'm sooo tired of being sad..being depressed.  Feeling "blah."  Feeling like I'm just "getting thru" life..instead of living it.  JM got annoyed with me today about it..told me to do something about it or shut up pretty much.  He's right.  I have tried different antidepressants over the years.  I have really hated the side effects of some of them.  I have been taking Cymbalta for awhile now & it just isn't helping like it used to.  I stay awake at night..on the internet..because I don't like just laying in bed thinking about things.  But then I sleep most of the day, because I'm so damn tired.  Plus don't feel like doing anything even when I AM awake.  Have a hard time finding things to look forward to.  Cry over the stupidest things, moody, etc.  So made a doctors' appt for Monday...see if I can try something else.  I know that there isn't a magic pill to make me happy, just like there isn't a magic pill to make me lose weight.  I just want to feel at least somewhat better. 

 

 

As far as JM & I are concerned....do any of you think that you can be in a relationship when one person isn't exactly that sexually attracted to you?  Yes he loves me.  But as he told me in July after we had sex for the first time..he just didn't feel that "spark."  Still doesn't.  I didn't think he did.  I was just hoping that it would change over time, but you either have it or you don't.  Like I said, he says he loves me & wants to be in a relationship with me....but I don't know if that can even happen without everything being there, ya know?  Makes me sad.  I don't want him as a friend.  I don't see how to get rid of all of these intense, romantic feelings I have for him & just lower it down to friend level.  I told him that & he said I didn't have to.  I'm just confused at the moment.  I don't want him out of my life,  but don't know how to live with how it is either.  We get along really well otherwise.  Watching movies, talking, just hanging out.  Anyway, I have left the ball in his court.  I told him if he wants me in his life (as in a relationship), he has to make more of an effort.  If he wants me to come down there & see him, he needs to tell me that & instigate that.  I don't feel that I should have to ask if I can come down this weekend, next weekend, etc.  I have kids, so I need to make sure that they are with their dad on whatever weekend it may be.  His mom lives with him at the moment, so when I go down there, she goes & stays at her nieces..so it's not like I can just show up whenever.  I'm just tired.  It's not all about sex either.  If that's all I wanted, then it wouldn't be that hard to get it closer to home.  I really do love him.  I can tell you that if this relationship doesn't work out, that I'm done with relationships.  Not worth putting the time & effort into one, putting my heart out there, and getting it broke again.

It's really windy tonight.:(  Hate when it's windy at night.

TUESDAY

I hate when I can't think of some witty title.LOL  I hope everyone is having a good week.  My weekend was pretty lazy.  I did take Matthew to a birthday party in Fairplay, CO...about an hour from here...on Saturday.  His & Dominics' friend, Owen, who used to live here had a party.  I used to hang out with his mom, Kerri, from time to time.  Dominic didn't want to go...he likes routine & it's hard for him to do new things, though he tries a bit more now.  Matthew & I had a fun time.  It was good to see them again.  I don't like driving after dark...especially on roads that I'm not that familiar with, but did fine.  Then on Sunday...was just pretty lazy...stayed in my pjs & watched some shows on my DVR.  Yesterday wasn't one of my best days...had a major migraine.:(  I don't get them like I used to...knock on wood...but when I get them..it's hard to deal with.  Stopped at Wal-Mart on the way home last night & got some migraine medicine.  Also one of those medicine pad things to put on the back of my neck..since that why  I think I got one..from my neck hurting.  Both of those really helped & I feel better this morning.  My eating has been out of control lately.  It's like all I want to do & can't seem to control myself.  But today is a new day & I'm determined to chill out on the eating & start moving more.  I don't like the way I feel when I'm putting on weight & have too much food in my body. 

My mom & Duke went to Grand Junction for a couple of days to see my sister & little niece.  Duke still isn't doing that great, but the doctors are "allowing" him to stay out of the hospital for now.  He has another drs' appt tomorrow.  I think he believes that if he goes into the hospital, that he will never come out again.:( 

FMM: QUICK & RANDOM

Quick and Random

1. Choose three songs that would be on the soundtrack of your life.  "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas, "Be Good To Yourself" by Journey & "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" by Gary Allan (this was a hard one for me..but that's what I came up with).;)
2. Share the details of one project that you’re currently working on.  I'm not really working on any projects right now..but am trying to get started on genealogy again...which I love.
3. If you could learn to do one thing overnight what would it be? I would learn how to swing dance!  That always looked soooo awesome!!
4. If you could be a fictional character which one would you be?  Jennifer Grey in "Dirty Dancing."  The way she looked then as well.  I loved how she looked with her "real" nose.  She doesn't even look like the same person now.

LOVED Patrick Swayze too..still do!!! RIP

 

 

See what I mean?

 

5. What’s your favorite thing about the month of October?  The crispness of the air, the leaves changing colors, Halloween coming up...which means the start of the Holidays...and I love the Holidays!!:)
6. Share one TV show that you’re embarrassed to admit you watch.   There are a few of them...gonna have to say "Jerseylicious." LOL
7. Name one friend that you’re thankful to have in your life today.  I'm thankful for a few friends in my life...but will have to say Joannie...she has been there for me a lot the past few years.
8. What was the most relaxing part of your weekend?  The whole weekend was relaxing....very lazy.  Guess I would have to say all day Sunday..didn't even get out of my pjs...watched some shows that I have on my DVR.
9. Do you like to dance? I don't mind dancing...but suck at dancing...NO rhythm AT ALL.LOL
10. Share one thing that you’re looking forward to before the end of the year.  Losing at least 20 lbs.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Take a moment to answer the questions on your own blog, and don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments!

GOOD & BAD...long post

Time gets away from me these days.  Well  I guess it always has...but I'm just noticing it more now.LOL  I haven't lost any weight.  Which is totally understandable considering I don't seem to have any willpower at all.  I have to keep reminding myself that little changes add up & that it doesn't have to be "all or nothing."  Like if I slip up & eat one cookie one day, that it doesn't mean I totally blew it & I might as well eat the whole package of cookies.  I haven't done that...but that's an example of my "all or nothing" mentality.  I also need to ger off of my ass and exercise...I have been fucking lazy & I'm tired of it.  Yes there are days that I feel like crap & don't feel like doing anything...but I need to push thru that.  Need to quit being such a wimp.  My weight disgusts me.  I need to learn to ignore the negative voice in my head that tells me that I can't do it.  That I have failed before & what's the difference this time..that I will just fail again.  That I'm not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough..that I'm already 43 & who cares if I'm thinner or not.  The voice that tells me "one cookie won't hurt you or just one more McDonalds' meal is no big deal."  At night..when things are the hardest...when I feel more alone than ever...I need to stop eating to make myself  "feel better."  It doesn't help & ends up making me feel more disgusting.  People who can deprive themselves of food...I know that's an extreme opposite of what I do...but sometimes I envy them & wonder how they do & wish I could be like that...instead of like this.
 
I took the boys to the zoo in Colorado Springs on the 8th.  It was fun!  It was a beautiful day & everything went well.  We got to see a new baby gorilla that was just born in August...though his mom was laying on her back & had him on her stomach with her arms around him..so it was kinda hard to see him!LOL  Very protective. 
 

 
 

 

 

 

Dominic, Phillip, Matthew

 

Colorado Springs in the background

 

 

It would have been nice to have my "real" camera, but just had my phone...so these are the better pics that came out.LOL

 

 

JM wasn't able to go...he has been pretty sick & was in the hospital overnight the the weekend before that.  He has some stomach issues going on.  I was pretty disappointed, but you can't help being sick.   Was hoping that he would get to meet the kids.  Not sure when that's going to happen now.  Then I was going to go down there this weekend, but since he's sick..we decided that it probably wouldn't be a good idea.  I don't want to get whatever he has & he wouldn't feel much like doing much besides sleeping.  He has something going on next weekend...so may be able to see him the weekend of the 26th...otherwise it won't be until the weekend of November 9th...since the 3rd is Matthew's 9th birthday.  It sucks that he lives 2 hrs away.  Then it all depends on the weather now too.  Icy roads & snow doesn't make for the best driving conditions.  I get insecure sometimes, but I try to "chill out."  I know that things work out the way they're supposed to, but sometimes it's hard for me to just "go with the flow" & let things happen the way they're supposed to.  He had a job opportunity in California, but refused it, because he says he doesn't want to lose me.  I thought that was really sweet.  Even with that, the voice in my head is like "you're not worth that."  I tell ya, that voice isn't a very nice voice.LOL  I told JM that I  want him to be happy & to do what makes him happy & he said that I make him happy.  We will see how it all goes.  I don't want him to give up his dreams or to ever resent me for anything, 

 

My step-dad isn't doing too good right now & any prayers would be greatly appreciated.  He hasn't been feeling good for awhile..but didn't realize how "bad" it was.  He does have a pacemaker as he had a major heart attack years ago..before him & my mom were together..so it's been like 20 years ago.  The doctor that he sees at Ft. Carson (he's retired Army) told him a few months ago that his kidneys weren't doing very well..but that his heart would kill him before his kidneys ever did...I know, I thought that was a nice thing to say too.  Anyway, he has blood work done every so often.  He had some done last week & they called the house at midnight one night from Denver or wherever they send it & told him that he needed to go to the ER right then, because it was so bad.  His potassium levels were really high & a few other things didn't look good.  Mom didn't tell me everything.  So he went & was there for a few hours.  He saw the doctor here the next day & she wanted to put him in the hospital, but, of course, he didn't want to.  She asked him if his doctor at Ft. Carson had ever talked to him about dialysis.:(  His kidneys have gotten that bad from August until now.  Anyway, she told him that he didn't have to be put in the hospital that day, but that she was going to call his regular doctor & see what he wants to do.  He has another appt this morning & will see how his blood work is now.  If it's still "bad" like it was, he will have no choice but to go into the hospital, so that they can see what they can do from there.  He will be 66 next month..so he's not that old.  I hate that he's this sick.  I don't want him to die any time soon.  I don't want him to suffer.  I don't want him to have to be on dialysis.  I hate sickness..hate that people have to get old.  He was looking forward to going hunting this year...was going to take Phillip for his first year hunting & now he most likely won't be able to.  It's such a sad thing.:(  Duke (step-dad) has been in my life for over 16 years.  I can't even imagine him not being around.  Daves' dad...he died of kidney failure..he had decided against dialysis...because he was like 80 at the time & decided he didn't want to do that.  So we kept him at his house & took care of him the last couple years of his life.  It's a horrible way to die.  It was horrible seeing him in pain like that.  I don't want Duke to have to go thru that. I guess will just have to wait & see how it goes.

 

My sister, Bev & I aren't really talking at the moment.  I know she works a lot & his a bit stressed out.  Her fiancee lives in Colorado Springs, so she only gets to see him one or two weekend a month.  She shares custody of her daughters with her ex husband.  I texted her the other day to ask why we hardly ever talked anymore...we live in the same small town & rarely see each other.  So I just asked a question & she texted me back & in my opinion, about bit my head off.  She basically said, that she didn't know about me, but she works, cleans house, exercises, spends time with her daughters when she has them, sees her fiancee when she can, doesn't have time to read or go for walks like she loves to.  I told her sorry I asked & she told me that she didn't mean to sound bitchy, but since I took it that way then whatever.  I apologized, but she never texted back & hasn't said anything since.:(  She works early in the morning...like at 7..so she will get up like at 4 or 5 to exercise...every day.  She's very disciplined...unlike me.  She puts a lot of pressure on herself & always has.  Towards the end of her marriage, she had gained some weight because of how unhappy she was.  She lost like 60 lbs after the divorce.  She looks good now...but I think she's a bit TOO thin if there's such a thing.  I'm happy for her that she found the guy she wants to marry.  She's not exactly the easiest person to get along with at times, but they go really well together.  Anyway, the bottom line is I miss her.  She's the sister that I'm the closest with..so not seeing her or anything seriously sucks.  I envy sisters who see each other on a regular basis or at least talk on a regular basis & are there for each other.  I know that she would be there if I really needed her, but I think I would have to be on my death bed for that to happen.  She doesn't like to think about "negative" things & sickness & things like that are "negative" things.  When I had pneumonia in July..she knew that I was sick..but she never texted or called to see how I was or anything.  That upsets me.  When my mom is really sick & I tell her about it, she's like "she'll be fine."  She just doesn't want to deal with things like that.  Which annoys the hell out of me.  You can't live your life with your head in the sand.  Yet my mom has told me that when she dies, that she's leaving Bev in charge of things.  Really???  She thinks that if there is any money to be shared..that I wouldn't share it with my sisters.LOL  Not true.  Well...maybe not my youngest sister..because of all the issues we have had with her & how she treated mom for years..though it's better now.  I'm the one who sees mom on a regular basis...not the other two.  So I find it "not right" that Bev will be the one "in charge" when the time comes..  Sorry..got side-tracked there.  I don't even want to THINK about something happening to my mom.  The thought makes me feel sick.  Sometimes wish I could go back to being a kid again & have mom young, have my dad around, get another chance to have a decent relationship with my sisters, etc. 

 

I just found out last night that Dave is starting to see this girl that we grew up with..Christy.  I'm like REALLY??!  Christy is OK...but she's known as a bit of a ho.  Whatever.   I don't want him back, so I don't have any say on who he sees or doesn't see.  Just weird that he chooses to see her.  To each his/her own.

 

 

 



 



 

FMM: INSIDE YOUR HOME

Inside Your Home

1. Do you live in an apartment/condo, townhouse or house?  House

2. What is your home’s coolest feature? Ummmmm....it doesn't have a cool feature at all!!LOL  It's not in the best shape...:(

3. Do you enjoy DIY projects? If so, what are you working on now?  Not really.  I'm not very creative....geez I'm making myself sound real great here.

4. When using the dishwasher do you use powder detergent or liquid? I use those little Cascade tablets....

5. Do you have a TV in your bedroom?  Yes...which isn't always a good thing!!

6. Is your range gas or electric?  Gas...though I wish I had an electric one.

7. How often do you sweep/mop/vacuum? As needed.

8. What is your favorite place to shop for home furniture and accents?  I can't afford new furniture...but guess will have to go with Wal-Mart for everything..since I live in a small ass town & that's all we have here.:)

9. Do you decorate for holidays?  Not really...though we DO put up a Christmas tree & some things that the kids make at school go on the walls.:)

10. If you could have HGTV come in and redo one room in your home which room would you choose?  ALL of it.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments. Happy Monday, friends!

I'M BACK.:)

I haven't really talked much on here lately.  The depression has been kicking my ass.  Still kinda hanging around...but not as bad.  I'm supposed to take the boys to the zoo in Colorado Springs (2 hrs from here) tomorrow.  I have been promising them all Summer.  It's going to start getting colder..so need to do it now.  But woke up this morning with a stomach bug.:(  Still not feeling real great.  I was then going to wait until Sunday or Monday (they don't have school on Monday because of Columbus Day)..but the weather is supposed to be crappy those days.  So going to aim for tomorrow & just hope that I feel better by then.  Would suck to feel like crap the whole time.  JM might go with us.  He's been sick as well.  His has hung on for a couple of weeks..hope mine is just a 24 hour thing.  It would be nice for him to be able to go..would be the first time he's met my kids.  We shall see.  Then I may go up to see him next weekend.  Otherwise will have to wait until November.:(  Hell, can't believe that it's October already!! 

I have been "pinning" pictures a lot on pinterest lately.  I love that site!!LOL  Just happened to come across it one day..became quite obsessed for a few days.  Are any of you on there?  It's like hoarding without all the mess!!:)  My site is http://pinterest.com/coloradosugar/ if you would like to take a look.

The weight loss thing is going OK...could be better..but am working on it.  I'm in a better place than I was, so that helps.  Not feeling so down on myself.  I know that diet pills don't really help, but decided to give one more a try.  Started taking TriAdalean yesterday.  Will let you know how it goes.  I just need some help controlling my appetite & having more energy. 

Dave & I still talk, but he's "moved past" the whole stalking thing.  Which is good. 

Adam & I went to the mountains on September 30th...I haven't seen him in like 3 months.  It was fun.  That's "our thing," I guess.  To go 4-wheeling in the mountains.:)  I LOVE being up there.   We talk every now & then...but it's just a friend thing..has been from the start.  I'm still head over heels for JM.

I went to the doctor yesterday..I still have to have another chest x-ray, but he says my lungs sound good.  I have had this sinus thing going on for a couple of months now.  So he's going to send me to a Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist to see if he knows what's going on.  It just gets annoying being so stuffed up all the time.  I weighed in at 314 lbs at the doctor yesterday.:(  That will change soon.  I refuse to stay huge.

FMM: UNIQUELY YOU

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Uniquely You

1) Do you prefer to talk or text? I would rather text...just easier sometimes.
2) How often do you make your bed? I half-ass it every day...but I'm gonna sleep in it again..so why bother??LOL
3) What sounds do you hear right now? The news on TV
4) List three things that you always carry with you.  My phone, ipod, car keys
5) What are your favorite TV shows? Supernatural, The Biggest Loser, Bones, Paranormal Witness, The Kardashians, Army Wives, Blue Bloods, Dance Moms, Jerseylicious, Long Island Medium & a few others.
6) Is there a hobby that you’d like to devote more time to? If so, what is it? Not really...I like to read..but guess that's not really a hobby.  Maybe genealogy....or crossword/logic puzzles...
7) What is your favorite drink? I like diet coke, cherry diet coke (though regular cherry coke tastes better), margaritas, ice water, screwdrivers.
8) Share a couple of cool facts about your family. My mom used to be a bartender.  My dad was firechief for many years.  My maternal grandpa used to make "moonshine" in Missouri "back in the day."LOL
9) List one thing that you will do for yourself today. I will drink more water, exercise for at least 30 minutes & not eat so much..wait that is more than ONE thing!!LOL  I will say.,.just not eat as much, I guess.
10) Share something that you’re thankful for today. That I'm still alive & so is my family.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments. And try to say something to someone new this week. There are some pretty cool people connected here. Happy Monday, friends!

Disgusted....

I'm pretty much disgusted with myself at the moment.  I feel fat, bloated, ugly, etc.  Oh well.  Just the way it is right now.  I don't even feel like talking about what is going on in my life right now...a rare thing for me!!LOL  I just need to get a grip & stop eating...even though that's all I feel like doing right now.