I'm happy to report that I'm down another pound.:) Though I wish I was down another 5...I know, I know...I didn't gain it all in a week.LOL Just have never had much patience. But I'm very happy to see a loss. I have decided to mostly just work out 4 days a week for now as I was getting burned out doing it every day. Though I will try to do at least something physical every day. So workout out days will be Thursday-Sunday & weigh ins will continue to be on Wednesdays.
It's cold out today...though I guess I should expect that since it IS the end of November!! But we have had really nice weather here until the past few days. Even now, it's sunny out. This is Colorado...yet we haven't gotten any snow yet this season...the ski area hasn't been able to open yet. It's pretty crazy. I don't want a ton of snow, but some would be nice.
I'm looking forward to going to Colorado Springs on the 12th to do some shopping & maybe catch a movie or two. I figure I will get a room for the night & come back the 13th. I'm hoping that the weather will be decent for that. Will I see JM while I'm there? Who knows. Guess that's on him. I need to get used to doing things & going places by myself again. Then I also look on forward to shopping on-line some next week (after I get paid)...I LOVE Amazon.com...but need to be careful I don't blow a lot of money.LOL
Phillip is home sick again today...was up most of the night. I will be getting a letter from the school soon I'm sure. If they miss 10 days or more during a semester..you have to go before a board or somehing. I believe that this is his 10th day. I get frustrated with him sometimes. I know that some of the days, he's actually been sick...but other days...well I wasn't born yesterday. Plus I used to do the same thing when I was in school...though we didn't get in trouble for it back then like they do now. I graduated, so I don't know what the issue is. Though I know he doesn't try hard enough. He can do the work, I think that he just chooses not to.:(
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Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
YES I AM.....
I know & I'm sure everyone who reads my blog knows...that I'm an idiot. OK, maybe that's a bit harsh. I'm just so tired of being alone. I know that I don't NEED a man to complete me or whatever, but the thing is I WANT one.LOL Yeah JM & I are "together" if you can call it that, but that's a whole weird situation. Nobody who was thin, beautiful, had a ton of self-confidence, etc. would put up with that weird situation. But that's not me. It's frustrating & hard to deal with. So I'm just trying to back off some. I was never one that could just leave a person or situation even if it was the wise choice to do so. I haven't quite figured out the things between JM & I. Maybe one day it will become clear. For now, I'm just trying to lose some weight, take care of my kids, not lose my house, make some extra money to get caught up on some bills, enjoy every moment of the day, etc. Work is going OK. Some days are harder than others. I have found if I take an Aleve as soon as my back or feet start to hurt, then I'm good for the rest of the day. It's a relief that I found something that works. I sometimes have to drink one of those 5 hour energy drinks to get going..but try not to rely on them too much. My mom hasn't been feeling good the past couple of days...she won't go the doctor because she's so fucking stubborn. If it was me, she would be hounding me to go to the doctor. I worry about her. My step-dad isn't doing that great. He's always cold & doesn't feel that good. His daughter & granddaughter are coming up from Texas at the end of December....just hope everything goes OK until then. I just want everyone to be healthy...but guess that's not going to happen at this point in time. Christy is always with Dave now it seems. Am I jealous? No. Am I annoyed that he can just find someone so easily both times & he's hardly ever been alone? Yes I am. I think I have talked about that before. It's like so fucking effortless for him. For me....well I haven't had a "real" relationship since Dave left...so 3 years ago. Get tired of being alone.
Went up & saw my friend, Mike the othe day. He got married in August. They seem to be doing good, which is awesome, considering his first wife was a psycho. He still has to deal with her since they have kids together. His new wife seems to really care about the kids, so that is a good thing. Mike & I have been friends for years. I was friends with his brother first...since he used to hang out with my sister, Cindy. So Mike is a bit younger than me...31 I believe. Am I ever friends with people my own age or older? Not very often.LOL If Mike & I had ever been single at the same time, I would have totally gone out with him & he has said the same about me. But that isn't going to happen in this life. I'm glad he's found his happiness.
I'm upset with my sister Bev. I know that she is a private person & lives her own life. But hell we're sisters. At least she talks to mom some and went down for Thanksgiving dinner. She usually doesn't answer my texts anymore, which bugs the crap out of me. I'm tired of not mattering to people.
Went up & saw my friend, Mike the othe day. He got married in August. They seem to be doing good, which is awesome, considering his first wife was a psycho. He still has to deal with her since they have kids together. His new wife seems to really care about the kids, so that is a good thing. Mike & I have been friends for years. I was friends with his brother first...since he used to hang out with my sister, Cindy. So Mike is a bit younger than me...31 I believe. Am I ever friends with people my own age or older? Not very often.LOL If Mike & I had ever been single at the same time, I would have totally gone out with him & he has said the same about me. But that isn't going to happen in this life. I'm glad he's found his happiness.
I'm upset with my sister Bev. I know that she is a private person & lives her own life. But hell we're sisters. At least she talks to mom some and went down for Thanksgiving dinner. She usually doesn't answer my texts anymore, which bugs the crap out of me. I'm tired of not mattering to people.
FMM: DEAR SANTA
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
Dear Santa: List at least ten things that you may or may not need that you’d love to find under your tree this year!
1. Tickets to Vegas would be nice!! I LOVE the place!!:)
3. Tickets to a Luke Bryan Concert!!
4. A book about Carole Landis...she was a star in "Old Hollywood." Just have wanted the book for awhile!!LOL
5. A New Orleans Saints Jersey that fits me!!:)
6. Pink Camoflauge Pants...have no idea why...but I want some!!LOL
7. Cash is always good!!:)
8. A cool 80's shirt would be good!!:) The whole outfit would look kinda silly on me though!!
9. All seasons of Supernatural!!
10. Perhaps a Skull ring...I know..weird.LOL
Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s question! Try to come up with at least ten things that you love, but feel free to share as many as you’d like! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments! Also be sure to take a few minutes to say hi to someone new. I want everyone here to know they’re loved, and I know you all feel the same way!
Friday, November 23, 2012
THANKSGIVING
I hope that everyone had a very Happy Thanksgiving.:) Mine went well. I made deviled eggs & went & had dinner at moms'. It was nice & everyone had a good time. I didn't eat a lot, but ate enough. I love mashed potatoes!! But those are the last I will have for awhile. I had to go to work at 7:30pm-11:30pm. Wal Mart started having sales at 8:00pm. It was crazy!!! I was soooo stressed...but did OK. I can't imagine what it would be like to work in a city at this time of year. It was insane enough here. Everyone was pretty nice even though they had to stand in lines for forever it seemed. I have to go back to work at noon. It's almost 5:00am now & I haven't been to sleep yet!!LOL So after I write this, I'm headed to bed for a few hours. I did get in my exercise before going to moms,' so I'm proud of myself for that. If you noticed where I put my weight loss...I erased a bunch of them, because for the past year I have gone between 302-318 lbs & that's it...up & down. Just didn't seem to be that serious about it, but I am now. So have pretty much started that over. I will record my weight once a week again for now. My first goal is 299 lbs...at least I would be below 300! I'm hoping for that by at least December 10th. Then go from there.
JM...it's still confusing. I just can't give that up right now. Maybe one of these days I will, but for now...just still totally into him & I don't want to lie about it. I know it's not the best situation & there is quite a bit that we have to work out. Will see how it goes. There has to be some major effort on his part or it's just not going to work. I have about come to the end of my patience. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but doesn't want to put the effort into it from my point of view. We had a bit of an argument on the phone a couple of nights ago...some things were said (by him) that I can't just let go. You should really watch what you say, because you can't take back words after they are spoken. He apologized....but the fact is, he said them. When you're angry or drunk...the truth comes out....or at least more of the truth than usually does. One thing he did bring up that I totally agree with is that I talk about Dave & what his going on with him or what is going on with him & the kids. I'm making a total effort to stop that. Right now, I just don't know how I feel about everything. Will have to take some time & really think about it & what I want.
I got off of work tonight & then went to moms' for a few. The younger two are staying with her tonight. I then went to get Phillip at Daves'. I have had a headlight out on the jeep for a couple of weeks now. I have to wait awhile longer before I can get it fixed. Well on the way home, I got pulled over (I had been trying to avoid that).LOL He just let me know that my headlight was out & checked my license & registration. I couldn't find my friggin' proof of insurance. But he ran the other & saw that I did have insurance. He just told me to make sure that I had it with me next time. No ticket or anything...whew! He was really nice. I haven't seen him around here before, so maybe he's one of the newer ones. Some of the older ones are total jerks.
Well have to get up in a few hours, so will go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!:)
JM...it's still confusing. I just can't give that up right now. Maybe one of these days I will, but for now...just still totally into him & I don't want to lie about it. I know it's not the best situation & there is quite a bit that we have to work out. Will see how it goes. There has to be some major effort on his part or it's just not going to work. I have about come to the end of my patience. He wants to be in a relationship with me, but doesn't want to put the effort into it from my point of view. We had a bit of an argument on the phone a couple of nights ago...some things were said (by him) that I can't just let go. You should really watch what you say, because you can't take back words after they are spoken. He apologized....but the fact is, he said them. When you're angry or drunk...the truth comes out....or at least more of the truth than usually does. One thing he did bring up that I totally agree with is that I talk about Dave & what his going on with him or what is going on with him & the kids. I'm making a total effort to stop that. Right now, I just don't know how I feel about everything. Will have to take some time & really think about it & what I want.
I got off of work tonight & then went to moms' for a few. The younger two are staying with her tonight. I then went to get Phillip at Daves'. I have had a headlight out on the jeep for a couple of weeks now. I have to wait awhile longer before I can get it fixed. Well on the way home, I got pulled over (I had been trying to avoid that).LOL He just let me know that my headlight was out & checked my license & registration. I couldn't find my friggin' proof of insurance. But he ran the other & saw that I did have insurance. He just told me to make sure that I had it with me next time. No ticket or anything...whew! He was really nice. I haven't seen him around here before, so maybe he's one of the newer ones. Some of the older ones are total jerks.
Well have to get up in a few hours, so will go for now. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!:)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
FMM: THANKSGIVING EDITION
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
Thanksgiving Edition
1. Do you have any Thanksgiving traditions? We don't really have any tradtions. My grandma used to fix dinner..along with my moms' help & a lot of our family would show up. Now it's mostly my mom & step-dad fixing dinner...though I help some as well.
2. List at least three dishes that are on your family’s table every year. Real mashed potatoes (instead of the box), this orange salad that my mom makes....has orange jello, cottage cheese, walnuts...it may sound kinda gross...but it's really good!!LOL Also cranberries, of course.:)
3. Do you prefer pumpkin pie or pecan pie? I LOVE Pecan Pie!! Pumpkin is OK...but it seriously gives me a heartburn...have no idea why.
4. Will you watch football on Thanksgiving Day? Most likely not.
5. Do you plan to exercise Thursday? Yes I do...will get up early enough to exercise to a DVD before going to help mom with dinner.
6. Do you prefer ham or turkey? I totally prefer Turkey....don't like ham much at all.
7. Will you shop on Black Friday? Nope...just don't have the money. I have to work it though..since I'm working at Wal Mart for the Holidays.:)
8. Do you take a nap on Thanksgiving? Hell, I take a nap every day!!LOL JK. Yes I plan on taking a nap since I have to work a few hours that night.
9. Share one dish that probably won’t be on anyone else’s table. Not sure......
10. What are you thankful for today? I'm thankful for a lot of things. Thankful that I have a job so I can have extra money for Christmas...and to get caught up on a few bills. Thankful that I'm finally losing some weight & have some motivation for that. Thankful for my family, for JM, for all of my friends. Thankful that I have another day to live.:)
Now it’s your turn to post the questions on your blog! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments! Happy Monday, and happy Thanksgiving!
LIFE....
Things are going pretty well. Can't really complain. I have been working a lot. I don't have another day off until next Wednesday. I worked tonight until 10:00pm. It was pretty busy since it's the night before Thanksgiving. We are having dinner at my moms' tomorrow around noon. I have to work tomorrow night from 7:30pm-11:30pm...should be pretty busy since that's when the sales start. It will be nice to be able to spend the day with my family. My sister, Bev & her fiancee, Carlo will be there along with her two daughters. Then me & my 3 boys, mom & my step-dad & a couple of other people. My niece Justine & her boyfriend, Andy are supposed to be there as well...but who knows if they will show up or not.
Things are going pretty well with the exercise & diet thing. It's easier not to overeat when I'm working. I had worked at Wal Mart before from October 2004-April 2006. After I had stopped working there, I had gained like 75 lbs!! Kept that on for a few years...still trying to lose the rest of THAT & then go from there. I have found that exercise is becoming more of a habit now...which is good. I just need to keep it up.
Phillip probably needs glasses. I need to get him in to see an eye doctor soon. He was squinting at school last week, trying to see something & the teacher noticed. So she wanted him to see the school nurse, which he did yesterday. She called me & told me that in one eye his vision is 20/50 & in the other it's 20/63! So yeah...I had better get him in & get them checked. Probably why he has headaches a lot of the time. He likes to read. Also should get his blood sugar checked. Diabetes runs in both sides of the family. When I told Dave about Phillips' eyes...yes he was concerned, but then he had to piss me off by saying "that's just going to cost me more money now for glasses." Whatever. Tired of him bitching about things like that. It's not like he pays for a lot of their stuff now. Phillip is having issues with Dave because Christy is always around now. Phillip just wants to spend time with Dave without her constantly being there. But I'm going to leave that between them. I'm tired of dealing with Dave & all the friggin' drama.
JM & I are doing OK...just taking it one day at a time. I don't know if it will really go anywhere, but having him in my life makes me happy. Whether it's as a friend or more...it doesn't really matter right now. I would like more with him, but I just don't see that happening. So will just "go with the flow" & not worry about the rest of it. I WOULD like some passion & all that good stuff in my life at least one more time in this life...so will just hope that happens one of these days.
Hope everyone one has a very Happy Thanksgiving!:)
Things are going pretty well with the exercise & diet thing. It's easier not to overeat when I'm working. I had worked at Wal Mart before from October 2004-April 2006. After I had stopped working there, I had gained like 75 lbs!! Kept that on for a few years...still trying to lose the rest of THAT & then go from there. I have found that exercise is becoming more of a habit now...which is good. I just need to keep it up.
Phillip probably needs glasses. I need to get him in to see an eye doctor soon. He was squinting at school last week, trying to see something & the teacher noticed. So she wanted him to see the school nurse, which he did yesterday. She called me & told me that in one eye his vision is 20/50 & in the other it's 20/63! So yeah...I had better get him in & get them checked. Probably why he has headaches a lot of the time. He likes to read. Also should get his blood sugar checked. Diabetes runs in both sides of the family. When I told Dave about Phillips' eyes...yes he was concerned, but then he had to piss me off by saying "that's just going to cost me more money now for glasses." Whatever. Tired of him bitching about things like that. It's not like he pays for a lot of their stuff now. Phillip is having issues with Dave because Christy is always around now. Phillip just wants to spend time with Dave without her constantly being there. But I'm going to leave that between them. I'm tired of dealing with Dave & all the friggin' drama.
JM & I are doing OK...just taking it one day at a time. I don't know if it will really go anywhere, but having him in my life makes me happy. Whether it's as a friend or more...it doesn't really matter right now. I would like more with him, but I just don't see that happening. So will just "go with the flow" & not worry about the rest of it. I WOULD like some passion & all that good stuff in my life at least one more time in this life...so will just hope that happens one of these days.
Hope everyone one has a very Happy Thanksgiving!:)
Saturday, November 17, 2012
FMM: WHAT'S IN YOUR FRIDGE?
I'm way late on this for this week!!LOL
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
2. What kind of milk do you drink? Skim…my kids don't pay attention to it, unless they drink the whole milk at moms' for awhile...then they don't like ours.
3. Do you prefer fresh or frozen vegetables? Fresh is good...but expensive. So usually get frozen when I get them.
4. What do you currently have to drink in the fridge? Skim milk...I need to go shopping!!LOL
5. How often do you clean out your refrigerator? I hate to admit it, but not very often. I really need to stay on top of that.
6. What’s the healthiest thing in it right now? Tomatoes
7. What’s the most unhealthy thing in it right now? Probably the lunch meat!
8. What do you wish you had in it that you don’t have now? Biscuits...but I don't need them anyway.
9. How often do you shop for groceries? A few times a week....I get a little here & there..I know I shouldn't do that. I do get a lot more groceries at the beginning of the month.
10. What’s the weirdest thing in your fridge right now? Nothing really
Bonus: If you could choose one thing to put in the fridge and make it calorie-free what would it be? Frozen Coconut or Banana Cream pie!!;)
Now it’s your turn! Don’t forget to answer the questions and come back to post a link in the comments section! Happy Monday!
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
What’s in Your Fridge?
1. List a few common items that can always be found in your fridge. Milk, diet coke, butter, eggs, some kind of juice, bacon, lunchmeat, vegetables sometimes.:)2. What kind of milk do you drink? Skim…my kids don't pay attention to it, unless they drink the whole milk at moms' for awhile...then they don't like ours.
3. Do you prefer fresh or frozen vegetables? Fresh is good...but expensive. So usually get frozen when I get them.
4. What do you currently have to drink in the fridge? Skim milk...I need to go shopping!!LOL
5. How often do you clean out your refrigerator? I hate to admit it, but not very often. I really need to stay on top of that.
6. What’s the healthiest thing in it right now? Tomatoes
7. What’s the most unhealthy thing in it right now? Probably the lunch meat!
8. What do you wish you had in it that you don’t have now? Biscuits...but I don't need them anyway.
9. How often do you shop for groceries? A few times a week....I get a little here & there..I know I shouldn't do that. I do get a lot more groceries at the beginning of the month.
10. What’s the weirdest thing in your fridge right now? Nothing really
Bonus: If you could choose one thing to put in the fridge and make it calorie-free what would it be? Frozen Coconut or Banana Cream pie!!;)
Now it’s your turn! Don’t forget to answer the questions and come back to post a link in the comments section! Happy Monday!
ONCE AGAIN.:)
Can ya believe that it's the middle of November already??? It's crazy. I worked at Wal-Mart Monday & Tuesday this week...then I work every day starting today thru next Saturday..except for Tuesday off. I forgot how hard it is on your back & feet standing up there for hours!! Of course, the extra weight doesn't help any. I hate the thought of having to go to work, but after I get there, I'm fine with it. Just hate it when you get grumpy or impatient people coming thru. I understand people don't like standing in line...but give the cashiers a little bit of a break. Unless they are just talking to someone & being slow because of it, then I understand. Some customers talk & talk & talk some more...I'm like "the people behind you are going to get pretty pissed in a second." LOL Like I predicted, I don't have a weekend off for awhile.
JM & I still talk & text some....but it's pretty much the same as it has been. So won't bore anyone with all the details.
Joannie & I are at least talking now. Went with her & her mom to Cripple Creek to gamble some on the 11th. I don't really want to talk about it.:( Let's just say that I spent a lot of money that I shouldn't have. I even won a lot of money & blew that too. I just really need to stay away from gambling totally. I haven't been going to Bingo either.,.which is a bit hard for me, but I'm managing.
The weather has been really nice here...kinda weird for November. I know the ski area hasn't gotten much snow, so not sure when they're going to open.
I took the boys to see the new "Twilight" movie last night...Joannie & her kids went too. It wasn't bad. They put a bit of a twist in there...which I thought was interesting.LOL I mostly watch it for the hot guys.;)
My heater had gone out, so I had to use space heaters for awhile, but I was able to get it fixed. I don't have to pay for it, which is good. Or if I do, it won't be a ton of money, since I went thru "LEAP."
Had parent/teacher conferences for Matthew on the 15th. He's doing pretty good. He has to work on the not talking thing when he's supposed to be listening & also to read a bit more slowly so he understands what he's reading.
I've still been exercising & trying to eat a bit better. I feel better after I exercise. It's just starting in the first place.:)
Did I tell you that the inmate I used to write to & go visit, Arturo, got paroled last month? Not sure if I did or not. After everything, it pisses me off that he couldn't even contact me to say hi. But what do you expect from an inmate, right? Yes I know I shouldn't "lump" them all together...but it annoys me.
JM & I still talk & text some....but it's pretty much the same as it has been. So won't bore anyone with all the details.
Joannie & I are at least talking now. Went with her & her mom to Cripple Creek to gamble some on the 11th. I don't really want to talk about it.:( Let's just say that I spent a lot of money that I shouldn't have. I even won a lot of money & blew that too. I just really need to stay away from gambling totally. I haven't been going to Bingo either.,.which is a bit hard for me, but I'm managing.
The weather has been really nice here...kinda weird for November. I know the ski area hasn't gotten much snow, so not sure when they're going to open.
I took the boys to see the new "Twilight" movie last night...Joannie & her kids went too. It wasn't bad. They put a bit of a twist in there...which I thought was interesting.LOL I mostly watch it for the hot guys.;)
My heater had gone out, so I had to use space heaters for awhile, but I was able to get it fixed. I don't have to pay for it, which is good. Or if I do, it won't be a ton of money, since I went thru "LEAP."
Had parent/teacher conferences for Matthew on the 15th. He's doing pretty good. He has to work on the not talking thing when he's supposed to be listening & also to read a bit more slowly so he understands what he's reading.
I've still been exercising & trying to eat a bit better. I feel better after I exercise. It's just starting in the first place.:)
Did I tell you that the inmate I used to write to & go visit, Arturo, got paroled last month? Not sure if I did or not. After everything, it pisses me off that he couldn't even contact me to say hi. But what do you expect from an inmate, right? Yes I know I shouldn't "lump" them all together...but it annoys me.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
I OFTEN WONDER....
I often wonder why I bother. I'm in one of my "moods." Just a bunch of crap going on...though some decent things as well. For one, I started working at Wal-Mart today. Thought it was just going to be orientation, but she wanted me to get used to the registers. I don't work very much until the week of Thanksgiving, but that's OK. I forgot how hard it is dealing with the public. People in a bad mood for whatever reason & taking it out on you. Of course, I have to be nice. It's only for a couple of months, so I'll deal with it. I'm thankful for the job.
I was supposed to meet J...oh hell, I'm just gonna say her name, because I don't care. It's not like it's a big fucking secret. Joannie was supposed to meet me for coffee yesterday at this local restaurant. We were going to go at 10:00am, but then I asked if we could make it 10:30am...she said that was fine. We were texting THAT morning. Then she asked if we could make it 11:00am. I told her that was totally fine. Well I get there & text her to tell her that I'm there...no answer. So I wait & text her again to see if she's coming..still nothing. I went ahead & got a coffee & a chef salad. I was there for 40 minutes...she never showed. Never texted. She finally texted around 3:00pm saying that she was sorry, that she had fallen asleep, because she hadn't been sleeping all that good. Whatever. We had just been texting not too long before that. It was her childish way of getting back at me for not being able to hang out with her a couple of weeks ago, but thought I had made that up at the bowling alley, by buying her kids food & giving them quarters to play games. I didn't text her back. I just don't care at this point in time. If she wants to act like she's 12, more power to her.
JM & I have been having issues the past few days...like that's a fucking surprise. Sorry for all the foul language, but I'm in a foul mood. He just doesn't get it. For one, I think he's full of crap. It's always something every time I want to see him, so no I'm not going down there this weekend. This is my last weekend that I could go, since I'll be working thru Christmas. Which means I won't see him for another two months. So obviously, just not planning on seeing him again. Sure I would like to have him in my life, but I'm so over it right now. Don't even feel like talking to him. Talked to him on the phone earlier. He says he loves me & that I make him happy. Well not sure how I do that since I never get to see him & all we do is text every now & then & talk on the phone. He doesn't seem to understand my frustration at not being able to see him. But now I get it. I guess I "got it" before, but it's finally out there in black & white. Yes he had told me that he wasn't that attracted to me..but that that might change in the future. Can ya believe that I believed that? Just yesterday we were talking about still living together next year. Well I'm tired of rejection. So tonight I asked him what the issue was...am I too fat, too ugly.. etc. I figure it has to be SOMETHING, because no guy seems to be attracted to me unless they're like 70 years old. He said he didn't know what it was, but not those things. Yeah that helps. So I got mad & pretty much demanded "why are you not attracted to me?!" He said in a kind of "mad voice," "I don't know, I'm just not!" Well there it is. I actually thought..or maybe just wanted it to be true...that he was at least a LITTLE attracted to me, so we could work towards more. But, being as he is not attracted to me AT ALL???? Where do ya go from there? Guess nowhere. I don't care what anybody thinks of me anymore. I'm tired of not being good enough. I said that I would never let my heart get THAT involved again after Dave left me. I did good for awhile, but then came JM & I was stupid. So now my heart is broke again into a million little pieces. I feel empty inside. Tired of caring & not getting the same in return. Sure, JM & I can "be friends," but that usually just means "I'll talk to you every 3-4 months or so" in my world. There's no point in ever going to see him again. That would be pretty awkward now, even if it was just to hang out. I know that he cares, that he loves me...but damn. Pretty sure you can't have a successful relationship without at least some sex. Am I right? Am I willing to give that up to be with him? Then when someone else comes along that he has chemistry with, then where does that leave me? Alone. But I'm alone now. I can tell you that I'm DONE with all the love crap, the relationship crap, the caring crap. Tired of being hurt, being rejected, being treated like I have no feelings. I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I won't "settle" for anyone, just because I don't want to be alone. I wanted to be with him....obviously that's not going to happen.
I was supposed to meet J...oh hell, I'm just gonna say her name, because I don't care. It's not like it's a big fucking secret. Joannie was supposed to meet me for coffee yesterday at this local restaurant. We were going to go at 10:00am, but then I asked if we could make it 10:30am...she said that was fine. We were texting THAT morning. Then she asked if we could make it 11:00am. I told her that was totally fine. Well I get there & text her to tell her that I'm there...no answer. So I wait & text her again to see if she's coming..still nothing. I went ahead & got a coffee & a chef salad. I was there for 40 minutes...she never showed. Never texted. She finally texted around 3:00pm saying that she was sorry, that she had fallen asleep, because she hadn't been sleeping all that good. Whatever. We had just been texting not too long before that. It was her childish way of getting back at me for not being able to hang out with her a couple of weeks ago, but thought I had made that up at the bowling alley, by buying her kids food & giving them quarters to play games. I didn't text her back. I just don't care at this point in time. If she wants to act like she's 12, more power to her.
JM & I have been having issues the past few days...like that's a fucking surprise. Sorry for all the foul language, but I'm in a foul mood. He just doesn't get it. For one, I think he's full of crap. It's always something every time I want to see him, so no I'm not going down there this weekend. This is my last weekend that I could go, since I'll be working thru Christmas. Which means I won't see him for another two months. So obviously, just not planning on seeing him again. Sure I would like to have him in my life, but I'm so over it right now. Don't even feel like talking to him. Talked to him on the phone earlier. He says he loves me & that I make him happy. Well not sure how I do that since I never get to see him & all we do is text every now & then & talk on the phone. He doesn't seem to understand my frustration at not being able to see him. But now I get it. I guess I "got it" before, but it's finally out there in black & white. Yes he had told me that he wasn't that attracted to me..but that that might change in the future. Can ya believe that I believed that? Just yesterday we were talking about still living together next year. Well I'm tired of rejection. So tonight I asked him what the issue was...am I too fat, too ugly.. etc. I figure it has to be SOMETHING, because no guy seems to be attracted to me unless they're like 70 years old. He said he didn't know what it was, but not those things. Yeah that helps. So I got mad & pretty much demanded "why are you not attracted to me?!" He said in a kind of "mad voice," "I don't know, I'm just not!" Well there it is. I actually thought..or maybe just wanted it to be true...that he was at least a LITTLE attracted to me, so we could work towards more. But, being as he is not attracted to me AT ALL???? Where do ya go from there? Guess nowhere. I don't care what anybody thinks of me anymore. I'm tired of not being good enough. I said that I would never let my heart get THAT involved again after Dave left me. I did good for awhile, but then came JM & I was stupid. So now my heart is broke again into a million little pieces. I feel empty inside. Tired of caring & not getting the same in return. Sure, JM & I can "be friends," but that usually just means "I'll talk to you every 3-4 months or so" in my world. There's no point in ever going to see him again. That would be pretty awkward now, even if it was just to hang out. I know that he cares, that he loves me...but damn. Pretty sure you can't have a successful relationship without at least some sex. Am I right? Am I willing to give that up to be with him? Then when someone else comes along that he has chemistry with, then where does that leave me? Alone. But I'm alone now. I can tell you that I'm DONE with all the love crap, the relationship crap, the caring crap. Tired of being hurt, being rejected, being treated like I have no feelings. I just need to accept the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I won't "settle" for anyone, just because I don't want to be alone. I wanted to be with him....obviously that's not going to happen.
Monday, November 5, 2012
FMM: TEN REASONS TO BE THANKFUL
If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!
Ten Reasons To Be Thankful
1. I'm thankful for being alive for another day.2. For being healthy & not being sick like I was this Summer.
3. For my amazing kids...they make me laugh...though sometimes they DO drive me crazy!!LOL
4. I'm thankful for music....it has helped me get thru some hard times. When I can't express myself, the lyrics do it for me.
5. For the friends that are truly there for me.
6. I'm thankful for all of you who read my blog...for sharing all my craziness.;)
7. For my family whom I love very much...wish we were closer & got along better.
8. I'm thankful that I may have a job soon...so I can get caught up on some bills & have money for Christmas.
9. For JM being in my life...wherever that may go.
10. I'm thankful for living in Colorado....near the mountains, which I love.
Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s question! Don’t forget to come back and link up in the comments! Happy Monday!
DISAPPOINTED
OK I haven't been eating that much & I have been exercising for 40-50 minutes every day..yet I have gained liked 5 lbs!!! I know that muscle weighs more than fat...but I don't know if that's it or if I'm just gaining weight even though I'm exercising. I really thought that I would see a loss. It's discouraging. Just want to say "fuck it," but I won't. Have to lose sometime, right?
Sunday, November 4, 2012
TIME GOES BY FAST
Matthew turned 9 yesterday (3rd)! It's soo weird that my "baby" is that old already! I don't know where the time goes..especially as I get older. He had a party at the bowling alley. His friends Jordan & Bethany came. I hadn't invited J & her kids, because of her still being mad at me. But she texted this morning & asked if we wanted to go to the park. I told her that it was Matthew's birthday & I wasn't sure what I was doing. She said something like "Is he having a party? Never mind, it's really none of my business & we're never invited anyway." Talk about a guilt trip! So I was kinda pissed off. The party started at 1:30pm & I told her around 1:20 to come to the bowling alley. She said that she wasn't even ready yet, but that she would get ready & be there. So the other kids...Jordan, Bethany, Dominic & Matthew started bowling..since we only have a certain amount of time to bowl & then they get hot dogs & drinks. I went ahead & put her kids' names in & just had the other kids bowl for them until they got there. Well they didn't get there in time to bowl. It was like 2:45 before they showed up. So they just played some arcade games & whatever. Matthew won a cute little thing out of the crane machine...two little bears stuck together with the words "hugs & kisses" between them. He gave it to Bethany. I thought it was so cute!!LOL He didn't really want it, because it was too "girly." Bethany was very happy to get it..I know she liked it, but I'm pretty sure she has a crush on Matthew as well. After the bowling alley, we decided to go to the park with J & her kids. So we did that for awhile. Her son is staying with Matthew tonight over at Daves'. Anyway, the issue that I have with J is that she gets too mad very easily over nothing & then just doesn't talk for awhile. Then the whole guilt trip thing...I grew up with that kind of thing..so it's not going to work on me. But I knew that Matthew wanted to have more kids at the party, so that's that. Will see how things go from now on.
Tracy & I drove to Pueblo from her house in Canon City. She had seen "Paranormal Activity 4" & didn't think it was that good, so we went to see the movie "Sinister." OMG!! If you like scary movies, you HAVE to see this one!! It was awesome! Scared me!!LOL Tracy & I were the only ones in the theater, which was a good thing considering there was a bit of screaming a couple of times.LOL Well not really screaming, but it was totally scary.
I plan on going to Colorado Springs to see JM next weekend. I hope that it works out that I can. Otherwise, I don't know when I will get to see him again. But guess I will just have to wait & see if Wal Mart calls me on Monday & what they say. I hope that I don't have to work next weekend yet. I'm totally ready to work..just would like the weekend with JM...
I dyed my hair last night a darker brown....I don't like it.:( I have natural light brown hair, but I have been dying it blonde since I was like 20..so for 23 years. I don't know what possessed me to go darker, but thought it would be something different, which it is. I just don't like it being dark I guess...I'm used to seeing at least some blonde when I look in the mirror & now there's none. I don't know if I will keep it like this for very long. May go back to blonde sooner rather than later. I will see how I feel about it in a week or so.
Dave told me yesterday that Gracie has started texting him again. He's not sure how he feels about that. She is still seeing another guy & he is seeing Christy. But as he said, "Christy isn't Gracie." I knew that she would contact him sooner or later & then it would start again. That's one of the MAIN reasons that I didn't just take him back. Neither one of them can seem to get each other out of their systems. He was just willing to "settle" for me. That makes me sad. It also kinda pisses me off that he can find someone so easily. He found Gracie easily & now he has Christy. That was easy for him too. It's not like that for me. The one I want lives 2 hrs away & who knows how long til he gets tired of that?? I know a lot of it has to do with my weight. Not many guys are attracted to big women. Just the way it is. I have still been exercising. I weigh in the morning.....just hope it's at least a little less than it was the other day.
Tracy & I drove to Pueblo from her house in Canon City. She had seen "Paranormal Activity 4" & didn't think it was that good, so we went to see the movie "Sinister." OMG!! If you like scary movies, you HAVE to see this one!! It was awesome! Scared me!!LOL Tracy & I were the only ones in the theater, which was a good thing considering there was a bit of screaming a couple of times.LOL Well not really screaming, but it was totally scary.
I plan on going to Colorado Springs to see JM next weekend. I hope that it works out that I can. Otherwise, I don't know when I will get to see him again. But guess I will just have to wait & see if Wal Mart calls me on Monday & what they say. I hope that I don't have to work next weekend yet. I'm totally ready to work..just would like the weekend with JM...
I dyed my hair last night a darker brown....I don't like it.:( I have natural light brown hair, but I have been dying it blonde since I was like 20..so for 23 years. I don't know what possessed me to go darker, but thought it would be something different, which it is. I just don't like it being dark I guess...I'm used to seeing at least some blonde when I look in the mirror & now there's none. I don't know if I will keep it like this for very long. May go back to blonde sooner rather than later. I will see how I feel about it in a week or so.
Dave told me yesterday that Gracie has started texting him again. He's not sure how he feels about that. She is still seeing another guy & he is seeing Christy. But as he said, "Christy isn't Gracie." I knew that she would contact him sooner or later & then it would start again. That's one of the MAIN reasons that I didn't just take him back. Neither one of them can seem to get each other out of their systems. He was just willing to "settle" for me. That makes me sad. It also kinda pisses me off that he can find someone so easily. He found Gracie easily & now he has Christy. That was easy for him too. It's not like that for me. The one I want lives 2 hrs away & who knows how long til he gets tired of that?? I know a lot of it has to do with my weight. Not many guys are attracted to big women. Just the way it is. I have still been exercising. I weigh in the morning.....just hope it's at least a little less than it was the other day.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
HELLLLOOOOO!!;)
I forgot to say the other day, that I'm taking my Cymbalta again...60 mg twice a day. Started about 10 days ago or so...feeling a bit better.:)
Court went fine. Wasn't that bad & I had the "nice" judge. We have two in this town. One is nice & the other one is a jerk. So I lucked out. I have to pay like $62 a month for a year..which kinda sucks, but it's not too bad...at least I don't have to pay it all at once.
Parent/teacher conferences....pretty much what I expected...but a few surprises..some good, some bad. Dominic has all A's & one B. He participates in class. He's in advanced spelling. Then there's Phillip. All F's. He has missed a some school & does he make up his work like he's supposed to?? Nope. So he has a ton of 0's. He's not prepared, doesn't hand in his homework. He talks to much to his friends in class. He's 14 & needs to be a bit more responsible & I have tried to see if he was..he's not. Tells me that he already has his homework done & stuff. So from now on, I will be checking more. He says he will do better & try harder...or at least TRY. His Algebra teacher...don't like her much...but she's willing to work with Phillip more, so I'll give her credit for that.
I had some other guys come look at my heater...they had put it in a couple of years ago...the motor is shot. So they are going to see what's covered & all. Hopefully it's good news.
I had a job interview at Wal Mart yesterday!!:) I had worked there from October 2005-April 2006. I have applied numerous times in the past couple of years, but never got called in. Mostly because my availability wasn't the greatest...plus when I left in 2006..wasn't on the best of terms. Was having some personal issues. ..depression, etc. It was really bad around that time. Anyway, I applied on-line on Tuesday & also called and talked to Deana in personnel. I had worked with her when I worked in "Lawn & Garden" before..she was my "boss." Now she's in personnel. I told her that I could work whenever, just not overnights. She said that they are just hiring seasonal cashiers & I said that was fine. So she told me that she would let me know, because they wanted to have people working the week of Thanksgiving. So she called me yesterday morning & asked if I could come in in the afternoon. Had to go take a "pee test" as I call them. So she will call me next week & let me know what's going on.:) Even though it's just for the Holidays...it's still good, because I really didn't know what I was going to do for Christmas. This will help a lot. I have to be trained for registers all over again..because it HAS been 6 years!!
Halloween...it was just Dave, Matthew & I. Guess he decided against bringing Christy. Dominic had a field trip yesterday & had a lot of fun, but fell asleep as soon as he got home. I woke him up to see if he wanted to go trick-or-treating & he said he would just stay at grandma's and hand out candy. Matthew had fun & made out like a bandit where the candy is concerned!!:) Then Dave went to Christys' & Matthew & I went to mom's. We had our annual doughnuts, apple cider, hot chocolate. Yep, LOTS of sugar!!LOL I had a couple of doughnuts & a cup of hot apple cider. Yummy. My sister & her daughters were there too.
My mom & I have always been close & she has helped me out A LOT over the years. I can never repay her for all that she's done. Well over the past few months or so...she hasn't been very nice in some areas. I know that I have been a bitch some too & not always pleasant to be around, but geez. She told me the other day that she had "given up on me." Meaning that she knows that I won't pay my bills like I should (sometimes I have to pick & choose which ones to pay), that she knows that I'll never get my house clean (I admit I have a lot of stuff & need to start working on it). Every now & then, she'll tell me that I need to start losing weight again. Which I totally know already. I DO have hope for the future & I believe in God...she seems to think that I don't believe in anything. She'll make little remarks here & there. She told me that I don't like my kids most of the time. WTF?? I know that I get stressed out a bit from time to time with their fighting & everything, but I love my kids with all my heart. I don't know why she would even say that. Then my youngest sister, Cindy has been a wild child when she was younger, into drugs, being a bitch, treating mom like crap, etc. Well after she had her daughter, Jasmine, a couple of years ago, she has totally changed. She talks to mom all the time, they go over to Grand Junction to see her. Mom tells me that at least Cindy cooks & cleans her house. So does this mean I'm not the favorite anymore???LOL That's what my sisters have always believed...that I was the favorite. Guess I have fallen from grace. In her will, she has left Bev (my middle sister) in charge of things. I must be a pretty horrible person. My mom isn't a bad person, she's actually pretty cool. But she gets in her "moods," then she's not nice. I just feel sad about it. I know that I have a lot of faults...but I have always been there for her. I'm down there constantly. I used to be quiet about how I felt, always keeping the peace & stuff when I was growing up, didn't want to upset anyone, a people pleaser. I guess I have changed from that & don't take a lot of crap anymore & say how I feel about things...guess that makes me a bitch or something.
My dad would have been 69 today if he was alive..so just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!:) Can't believe that it's November already!!
I'm going to Canon City today...so I had better go get ready. Hope everyone is doing well.:) Here are a few "funnies." Hope they at least make you smile.:)
Court went fine. Wasn't that bad & I had the "nice" judge. We have two in this town. One is nice & the other one is a jerk. So I lucked out. I have to pay like $62 a month for a year..which kinda sucks, but it's not too bad...at least I don't have to pay it all at once.
Parent/teacher conferences....pretty much what I expected...but a few surprises..some good, some bad. Dominic has all A's & one B. He participates in class. He's in advanced spelling. Then there's Phillip. All F's. He has missed a some school & does he make up his work like he's supposed to?? Nope. So he has a ton of 0's. He's not prepared, doesn't hand in his homework. He talks to much to his friends in class. He's 14 & needs to be a bit more responsible & I have tried to see if he was..he's not. Tells me that he already has his homework done & stuff. So from now on, I will be checking more. He says he will do better & try harder...or at least TRY. His Algebra teacher...don't like her much...but she's willing to work with Phillip more, so I'll give her credit for that.
I had some other guys come look at my heater...they had put it in a couple of years ago...the motor is shot. So they are going to see what's covered & all. Hopefully it's good news.
I had a job interview at Wal Mart yesterday!!:) I had worked there from October 2005-April 2006. I have applied numerous times in the past couple of years, but never got called in. Mostly because my availability wasn't the greatest...plus when I left in 2006..wasn't on the best of terms. Was having some personal issues. ..depression, etc. It was really bad around that time. Anyway, I applied on-line on Tuesday & also called and talked to Deana in personnel. I had worked with her when I worked in "Lawn & Garden" before..she was my "boss." Now she's in personnel. I told her that I could work whenever, just not overnights. She said that they are just hiring seasonal cashiers & I said that was fine. So she told me that she would let me know, because they wanted to have people working the week of Thanksgiving. So she called me yesterday morning & asked if I could come in in the afternoon. Had to go take a "pee test" as I call them. So she will call me next week & let me know what's going on.:) Even though it's just for the Holidays...it's still good, because I really didn't know what I was going to do for Christmas. This will help a lot. I have to be trained for registers all over again..because it HAS been 6 years!!
Halloween...it was just Dave, Matthew & I. Guess he decided against bringing Christy. Dominic had a field trip yesterday & had a lot of fun, but fell asleep as soon as he got home. I woke him up to see if he wanted to go trick-or-treating & he said he would just stay at grandma's and hand out candy. Matthew had fun & made out like a bandit where the candy is concerned!!:) Then Dave went to Christys' & Matthew & I went to mom's. We had our annual doughnuts, apple cider, hot chocolate. Yep, LOTS of sugar!!LOL I had a couple of doughnuts & a cup of hot apple cider. Yummy. My sister & her daughters were there too.
My mom & I have always been close & she has helped me out A LOT over the years. I can never repay her for all that she's done. Well over the past few months or so...she hasn't been very nice in some areas. I know that I have been a bitch some too & not always pleasant to be around, but geez. She told me the other day that she had "given up on me." Meaning that she knows that I won't pay my bills like I should (sometimes I have to pick & choose which ones to pay), that she knows that I'll never get my house clean (I admit I have a lot of stuff & need to start working on it). Every now & then, she'll tell me that I need to start losing weight again. Which I totally know already. I DO have hope for the future & I believe in God...she seems to think that I don't believe in anything. She'll make little remarks here & there. She told me that I don't like my kids most of the time. WTF?? I know that I get stressed out a bit from time to time with their fighting & everything, but I love my kids with all my heart. I don't know why she would even say that. Then my youngest sister, Cindy has been a wild child when she was younger, into drugs, being a bitch, treating mom like crap, etc. Well after she had her daughter, Jasmine, a couple of years ago, she has totally changed. She talks to mom all the time, they go over to Grand Junction to see her. Mom tells me that at least Cindy cooks & cleans her house. So does this mean I'm not the favorite anymore???LOL That's what my sisters have always believed...that I was the favorite. Guess I have fallen from grace. In her will, she has left Bev (my middle sister) in charge of things. I must be a pretty horrible person. My mom isn't a bad person, she's actually pretty cool. But she gets in her "moods," then she's not nice. I just feel sad about it. I know that I have a lot of faults...but I have always been there for her. I'm down there constantly. I used to be quiet about how I felt, always keeping the peace & stuff when I was growing up, didn't want to upset anyone, a people pleaser. I guess I have changed from that & don't take a lot of crap anymore & say how I feel about things...guess that makes me a bitch or something.
My dad would have been 69 today if he was alive..so just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!:) Can't believe that it's November already!!
I'm going to Canon City today...so I had better go get ready. Hope everyone is doing well.:) Here are a few "funnies." Hope they at least make you smile.:)
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