FAT SUCKS

I suck at this whole diet thing.  Always have...that's why I am the way I am now.  I'm good for a day or two...then "fall of the wagon."  I love food.  Always thinking about food.  Obsessing about food.  It's annoying.  I don't know what "normal" is where food is concerned, but that's what I want to be.  I want to be able to eat without overeating, I want to be able to have the things I like in moderation...but once I start eating ANYTHING with carbs...it's done.  I can't even do just the one meal a day with carbs...because I get out of control.  Then I just want more. I can't "carb cycle" for the same reason.  Maybe if I had money to get low carb food with, it would be different?  Who knows.  Right now, we eat what we have to eat.  Which is pretty much nothing low carb.   I binge...way too much. I haven't been exercising, but have been drinking more water.  I'm just basically disgusted with myself, food, being fat, etc.  I just need to figure out what works & do it.  I just so need to figure this out.  

NEED TO DO THIS!!

I keep saying that I want to lose weight, etc...but I don't even really try.  I might as well admit that right now.  I'm lazy basically.  I don't like to exercise...though I feel better after.  I don't drink enough water, don't stay low carb like I know I need to.  But enough is enough.  Otherwise I'm going to keep saying the same thing over & over again until I'm like 600 lbs or something.  I know that diet pills don't really work, but I have some left over that I might use again.  I didn't really use it the first time when I bought them...so still have plenty left.  It's "Leptopril."  It's supposed to suppress your appetite some & give you more energy.  If that's the case, then I'm all for it.  If I wasn't constantly hungry (or thinking that I am) & if I had more energy, I think it would be a whole lot easier to lose the weight.  So going to start that today & see how it goes.  I have eaten a TON of carbs over the past few days.  I haven't weighed yet today...but yesterday was 315.:(  I have been around 310.  I know that  I need to at least TRY & not half ass it & waste my time.  

THE CONFEDERATE FLAG, DUKES OF HAZARD, ETC.

This may piss some people off...but it's just my opinion.  I don't see why we can't just get along & learn to deal with each other & our differences...but guess that's not going to happen any time soon.

"On June 23, 2015, retailers Wal-Mart, Amazon.com, Sears Holding Corporation (which owns Sears and Kmart), and eBay all announced plans to stop selling merchandise with the Confederate flag. Similarly, Warner Bros. announced that they were halting production of "General Lee" car toys, which prominently feature a Confederate flag on the roof."

I don't even know how to go about saying this. The Confederate Flag is what it is. It's a part of history. I don't think that it should be taken out of stores, or off of State buildings in the South, or that "The Dukes of Hazard" should be taken off the air. It doesn't cause hate. People do. Hate is passed on from generation to generation. White parents and/or grandparents teach their kids to hate black people (or other races), black parents and/or grandparents teach their kids to hate white people. I feel that organizations like the KKK & other white supremacists groups shouldn't be allowed anywhere near kids & that they shouldn't be able to have any kids to carry on their hate. I feel that it's child abuse. That's just my opinion. Who made Dylann Roof hate black people, Jews, Hispanics & "East Asians?" Who knows? Yes he hates them all according the a manifesto the police found. They found pictures of him holding a gun & a Confederate Battle Flag. So....if he was holding a United States Flag...would we be getting rid of those too? The KKK isn't helping matters any. They plan to hold a rally on July 18th on the grounds of the South Carolina Statehouse in support of the Confederate flag. The South is still VERY racist no matter that it's 2015. I don't get it. I don't hate people for the color of their skin. I don't HATE anyone. I judge people based on their actions. Who cares what color their skin is? If I'm "racist" against anyone, it's against the KKK. Does that even make sense?? I actually DO feel a bit of hatred for them & people like them. They are ridiculous & they are cowards who dress up in bed sheets & pillow cases. The white race is no better than any other race & I'm not sure who told them they were. Slavery was a horrible thing. The flag is just a flag. Tomorrow people will be offended about something else. So to the KKK & all other racists out there....get over yourselves & you might as well quit deluding yourselves into thinking that God thinks it's OK to do what you're doing. To the black people out there....slavery should never have happened in the first place, however, you can't keep using that as an excuse whenever you're in trouble TODAY..you can't keep saying that all white people are against you. Not all are. So to ALL races out there...quit hating each other, quit killing each other, quit blaming each other. We are all supposed to be here or we wouldn't be.

Now if none of this made sense to you or I contradicted myself...which I'm sure I did in all of that...I'm not a writer, I'm not a brain. Thoughts come into my head & even though they make sense in there...it's hard for me to put it on paper or in this case on here. So cut me a little slack when I go on my rants.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

I can't believe that it's July already!!  I had the chest x-ray & blood work done.  The x ray showed some residual something or other (I really need to write this stuff down!) & I will have to have another one around the 22nd of this month to make sure that whatever is there is cleared up.  If not, we will have to see from there.  All of my blood work came back OK.  So she wants to check those nodules on my thyroid.  Not sure how they go about doing that.  Also to talk to me some more about all of my other blood work.  I hate having to wait...especially the whole doctor thing.  I just want to know things NOW!lol  I still get short of breath easily, but that could be because I'm fat.  I still have a cough with some crap in my chest.  Other than that, I don't feel too bad.  A few days earlier in the week...I was sweating like crazy.  Yes most people DO sweat in the Summer...but this was running down my face sweating, which is unusual for me.  I wasn't even really doing anything at the times that it happened.  I was helping mom clean a house, but I had just gotten there & hadn't really done anything yet.  I could be in peri-menopause (I'm too thrilled).  I will be 46 next month.  I have had my right ovary removed because of a cyst...that was over 14 years ago.  I had 2 more kids after that.  I know guys may be reading this too...and for this next bit...I'm sorry..LOL  I only had my period maybe 2-3x last year.  This year I have only had it once & that was in January.   It was pretty heavy then...yuck.  I don't miss it.  I DO, however, get period cramps from time to time....which are more annoying than anything else really. 

 
The weight loss thing...when I was sick...I had "gotten down" to 303.  Have been back up to around 311 & yesterday was 308.  Now that's better than the 327 I got up to a few months ago, but I don't want to be in the 300's AT ALL.  I haven't been exercising at all...that's just me being lazy.  I need to start.  I have been trying to drink more water.  I have to pretty much not eat anything to lose weight & it's annoying.  I try to stick to mostly low carb, but I'm not totally low carb.  If I feel deprived at all, then I binge.  I don't think that I eat as much in the Summer as I do in the Winter...just because it's too hot & I feel sick if I eat anything other than like fruit.  I'm not a big fan of fruit & vegetables, but I know that you need those things.  I have also found that I pretty much can't eat after like 6:00pm.  If I do, I will be sick later that night.  It seems that no matter what I may eat...it just doesn't sit well with me at that time.  I have heartburn a lot.  I take Prilosec every once in a while for it, but not on a regular basis.  The bad thing is...I WANT to eat after 6:00pm!!LOL  I can go all day sometimes without eating, but then want to eat at night, which isn't a good thing.  But I don't like feeling sick to my stomach.  So I just need to figure some things out.  I want to be below 300 lbs before my birthday at the end of next month...it's only 9 lbs til I get there....you think that I would be able to manage that, but we'll see.

I have had a little extra money this month...so I should be all happy & calm & not worried about anything...well I fucked up.  I have NO self control.  I think that sometimes I need to go to Gamblers Anonymous.  I spend way too much money on scratch tickets, Bingo & on-line gambling sites.  Well mostly just one.  I win some...but most of the time it's not enough to cover what I have spent.  So instead of being relaxed about it all, I'm a little stressed.  I have no one to blame but myself.  I haven't told anyone & don't plan to.  I write it here & tell you guys & that's enough.  I'm concerned about being judged to an extent, but if you write a blog, I guess that's something that you just need to accept.  I'm not sure why I like to gamble like I do...maybe it's the thrill of winning something.  The adrenaline rush.  All I know is that if I DON'T win at the time, I feel totally guilty & tell myself that I won't do it  again, but then I do.  We are OK for now. 

 I wanted to go to N. Dakota to see one of my best friends whom I haven't seen in 24 years!  But since I waited until now to see about tickets for later this month...they are a little more than I can afford.  I can get them now for around the beginning of September...which would be cool, but the kids are in school then & I don't have anyone to get them up & off to school.  So not sure what the plans will be.  I don't want to go up there in the Winter as they get a lot of snow & she lives 3 hours from the airport.  

A word of advice...never look at your exes gf's FB page.LOL  Well...I'm not sure why..but she unblocked me.  I was just messing around one day & typed her name in & found that out.  But I think that she hides most of her stuff & definitely anything about Jeff.  There are no pics of him or any mention of him in the posts that I'm able t o read.  The only reason I know that they're still together is because of a comment someone left her about the two of them.  I had been thinking about him a lot & guess that's why I was looking at her page.  Our 3rd anniversary would've been June 26th, his birthday is this month, next month it'll be a year since he moved out, etc.  Just got to me.  The messed up thing is I still miss him in a way.  I definitely miss his friendship.  But I know that I can't go back.  SO...I'm not looking at her page anymore.  He moved on a long time ago.  I just need to let it go. 

 
My step-dad has been gone for 2 years yesterday.   Sometimes it seems like that long & other times it seems like it just happened.  I miss him a ton.  It still really bothers me.  I know that death happens to all of us, but I don't have to like it.  I'm also just trying to figure out what I believe & don't believe as far as Heaven, God & everything are concerned.  Like I think I have said before, I believe in reincarnation...or I at least hope that's how it goes.   I just freak out about not existing anymore.  I freak out about my mom, kids, etc. not existing anymore & not ever seeing the people I love again who have already died.  When I was so sick last month, I literally thought I was going to die.  I felt sooo bad.  I don't make a good patient.  The unknown really bothers me.  

I need to write here more.  I keep saying that & then go weeks without writing anything & then I have so much to say!  I'm sure it gets a bit overwhelming reading my posts when I jump around so much. 

 
My ex-sister-in-law invited my mom & I over for a barbecue this evening, so we're going to be going there & then watching fireworks from here house.  They shoot them off of "Tenderfoot Mountain" & that's pretty much in front of her house.  They were actually selling fireworks this year...in recent years, we haven't been able to have a fireworks display, because the weather was so dry & we had to wait until Labor Day weekend for them to do it.  But we have been getting some rain this Summer, so that's cool.  

That's a picture of Tenderfoot from downtown.  Some people may think that it's weird that my ex sister in law invited us down there, but my kids go & yes my ex will be there with his gf, but we get along OK now.  So it's really not a big deal.  I still get along with his family even when I wasn't getting along with him.  
I hope everyone has an awesome 4th of July!! Be safe!