VEGAS HERE I COME!!:)

Leaving for Denver and the airport in about 10 minutes...it's almost 4am. Too damn early for me! I'm nervous as all hell, but I hope to have a great time! Will let you know how it went when I get back.

VEGAS

I'm leaving for Vegas in the morning...yes I SHOULD be happy and excited and I am to an extent. But Dave is just taking me up there so he can see HER for awhile. I mean, I KNEW that...but he kept saying "no she has to work." He thinks I'm stupid obviously. Anyway, he is going to see her. Our oldest is going with us..my son will have to be around her for awhile too, which pisses me off to no end. He's met her before and doesn't like her. So it is what it is, right? Might as well get used to this shit. I don't think I ever will though. I'm on that dating site...mostly because they have cool questions to answer to match you up with someone better...I don't want to really meet anyone. Here on out, it's just the kids and I. I'm done with this BS. I won't get over Dave any time in the near future. I can't imagine being with anyone else ever...there's no way I'm bringing guys around my kids anyhow. So here's to a life alone.

GUESS IS STILL HAD HOPE....

I didn't realize that I was still holding onto some hope...but I was. We had been doing things together, having fun, laughing, etc. Well yesterday I asked if we were really over and he just gave me a sad look and gave me a hug!:( He told me that he would "try his best" to stay here (in this town). He loves his boys and they love him. SHE lives in Denver...I really hope that he DOES find a way to stay here and not leave them. Not move to Denver and raise HER kids and not his own. But am I going to hold my breath?? HELL NO. I still have A LOT of anger that I didn't think I had. I wish we could've made it work. But can't go back and do it over. I will just have to learn to live without him. A hard thing, considering he was my best friend too. He had been texting me in the morning on his way to work and all...he didn't this morning. Probably because I was NOT nice last night after everything. I told him there will be "rules" now. No sex or any sexual stuff, no just coming by the house when he wants, he can't be at the house if I'm not there, etc. I hate this.

WEDNESDAY...

Hey I couldn't think of a better title!!LOL The 4th of July was fun. Went to the parade at 4 with Dave and the boys. Then had a barbecue at my sister-in-laws'. We watched fireworks (shot off a nearby mountain) from her front yard. Sitting on lawn chairs, covered with blankets...got a bit chilly!! Had a nice time though.

I still don't feel good. I hate that. My oldest told me yesterday "you never feel good." It's sooo depressing, but it IS true. It's a rare day that I actually feel GOOD. On those days, I try to get as much done as I can, because I know the days I feel like crap..I won't feel like doing much of anything.

I haven't lost any more weight, but took my measurements yesterday and I have lost 2 more inches off my hips!! Woo-hoo!! I'm just hoping I can fit in the airplane seat on Tuesday! I'm so worried about that. Thin people would never understand.

My mom has to go in tomorrow for them to put some kind of dye in her back...her discs are bad and she's been having a lot of pain with that. She had to go off her blood thinners for this and I worry about that a lot as well. She's 60. So please keep her in your prayers that she will be OK.

A question for you: Would you ever consider writing to a prisoner?

FEELING SICK

I started feeling crappy last night and still don't feel good...nauseous and just "icky." So, for today, I think I will just sleep some and rest. I need to let the stress go. Just not sure how. I texted my sister last night (the one I'm closest to) and told her that Dave decided to be with Gracie again...she texted back "well you didn't want him back anyway, right?" WTF??! Is she NOT supposed to have my back? Guess not. She has been thru the whole divorce thing too. I don't know why she thought it would be so easy for me to take him back after everything that had happened. I just think that all the negative people in my life...that I'm just going to have to move on from them. I love my sister...but I'm the one who reaches out to her all the time, she never does that for me. I know she works a lot, but she makes time for her friends. So whatever. It makes me sad, because my youngest sister and I haven't even talked or seen each other in over 2 years! We probably won't either. I wish her the best though. My mom and step-dad now have custody of her daughter..who will be 18 in January. Well my sister is pregnant again and due in October. It's crazy..she had my niece when she was 14 and wasn't able to get pregnant again til now...she' 32. She didn't make the best parent the first time around...hope she does better with this one. It's supposed to be another girl.

Dave may want to be with Gracie...hell I really don't know what he wants. But he came over this morning for sex. Did I give in? Yep. He is still MY husband and I love him. But I don't have any illusions or is it delusions?? I know that he wants his cake and eat it too. I told him yesterday, that she will start nagging him again, pressuring him, etc and then what is he going to do? Especially if he ever moves up there and can't just come back? He would have to transfer up there and would have to be up there for at least a year before he could transfer back and even then, there's no guarantee that there would be an opening here. Plus I know how much he would miss his own kids while he has to be up there dealing with hers. I told him that he just really needs to think about it. He said he would..but who knows.

My oldest had a probation meeting the other day and he may be off of probation in 6 months instead of another year! So that's good news.:)

Dave is supposed to be taking me to Denver on the 13th to get my plane for Las Vegas...he says he's not going to see her, that she has to work...but like I believe that. My flight is in the morning, so he would have all day with her. My oldest wants to go too...so he would tell me if Dave saw her. Dave is like "that's too early in the morning for him to get up." Yeah whatever.

I HATE THE WORD DIET AND OTHER THINGS...

I have been seriously sucking at the weight loss. I have gained and lost the same 3-6 lbs over the past week or so. I'm sooo over it. But all I really want to do is EAT. Especially when I'm stressed...I want SUGAR!! Since I've been so stressed lately..it's hard to resist. I leave for Vegas on the 13th and was hoping to be way less than I am right now.:( I may go out the 11th if I can get some things changed. I bought a "package" thru cheaptickets and now if I want to change the flight out, I have to cancel the whole package (which includes 2 nights at Circus Circus and the flight home). There will be a cancellation fee. I don't know what the big deal is. I just thought that with everything going on, a couple of more days out there would be nice. Will call again tomorrow and see what I can do if anything.

I noticed something recently...some of Daves' extended family isn't as friendly to me as they once were...not sure what that is about. I hate that. If you have a problem with me..then come out and say it. I don't think it's my imagination. So don't know what they have heard and what they haven't.

As for Dave and I, I have come to realize a few things. I will never get totally over him. I just can't. I don't think he will ever get totally over me either. So we have a sort of truce right now, but I know it won't last forever. I can't let myself believe that we will ever get back together or that he wants that. It's hard though. We still talk and hang out. Maybe that's not a good thing, but I can't let go right now. I know that when he DOES go to Denver to see her that it will devastate me. Right now, I'm just ignoring that...it hasn't happened, so I don't have to deal with it. When he DOES go..I don't know how I will react. I know it probably won't be good.
I don't even feel like telling my family what is going on. I don't want them to be sad. I don't want them to hate Dave. I don't know what he plans on telling his sisters...that's up to him. I feel like sending HER an e-mail and saying a few things...but I'm sure that wouldn't help matters much. I'm pretty sure that I couldn't be nice about it. In my head..I know that we are thru, but my heart refuses to believe it.

I joined a dating site...just to see what was out there, plus I just like seeing if I get any responses and on this one there are questions you can answer (a lot of them) and I love that. Weird, I know. I have come to find that a lot of Colorado guys don't like fat girls. I can't speak for all of them though...so there may be a few out there that do. I find that guys in Oklahoma are nicest.:) Like I said, not looking for anything. Friendship is good enough for me. I think that I have become too jaded. I can't see myself being in love ever again. Just don't think it's gonna happen, especially since I can't get over Dave. In my next post...I will tell you about one of my guy friends who has done the same thing that Dave has practically. He wants to know how to make it easier on his wife!! Wants my advice on that! What is he...crazy???

Went to see the Air Force Band at the park tonight and had a lot of fun. Went with Dave, his sister, my 6 year old, Matthew, my mom and step-dad. It was beautiful out! The funniest thing was watching Matthew dance around and be silly!LOL He is my drama king for sure.