Where do I begin.....

OK, are you ready for this??LOL It continues to be a crazy ride. Let's see...on Saturday night (6th), I'm supposed to meet this 23 year old guy, Marc, at a hotel and stay the night with him. Hubby says that's fine. Well I could kind of tell before I left that it wasn't, but the guy was already here, so what to do?? I went to see him...well OK...there are good things and bad things about younger guys..LOL He was sweet and all...but pretty quick, if you know what I mean. Then I'm thinking "what am I going to do for the next 10 hours or so??" Well that didn't come to pass, so I was a bit relieved about that (as was hubby). Marc got a text from his babys' mom, saying that she had gotten stung by a bee and was really sick. They needed his insurance card and money from him (deductible) before they would release her from the ER. Oh, btw, they aren't together.LOL So he had to leave anyhow. But before this, he says "I'm hungry, I think I'll run to Taco Bell." He didn't offer to get me anything, so I did ask for a Pepsi...I thought MAYBE he would be nice and bring something back for me too...nope. It was actually pretty funny. I'm just thinking "wow, you have a lot to learn." He came back and ate and left. Said the room was already paid for, so if I wanted to stay I could (so thoughtful). I stayed for a few and then went on home. Was his daughter really sick? I have no idea. But regardless, I'm glad I didn't have to spend the whole night with him.

Then today....well I guess yesterday now...I went to Colorado Springs to see someone. Really into him and liked him. We have been talking for awhile and believe me, he knows what to say. Had fun, went to lunch, drove around and just hung out. Everything was great. He's married, but she sees other people too. So I'm not exactly sure what went "wrong." I get a voicemail first saying what a good time he had and all and then another one later, saying his wife found out about some things and she's pissed. That he will try to contact me later. OK, there are some things I'm leaving out here. I hesitate to write them, because if hubby found out....the guy is black and I'm white. Hubby doesn't want me anywhere near black guys and his wife doesn't want him anywhere near white girls...both of them are Hispanic. So we were just going to remain friends, but I don't know if that's possible now. It makes me sad, because he's a really nice guy....but in the end, maybe it's for the best. Society still frowns on interracial couples/friends or whatever. I think it's crazy, but that's just me. So we'll see how all of that goes.

Ken and I still talk and he wants to continue our relationship, though we hardly ever see each other.

Miss Frank, but have managed to leave him alone. He told me that I could write to him sometimes and he would read them, but couldn't promise to respond. Guess that's better than nothing, right? Or is it?

As for the diet...it sucks and I have no willpower.:(

The anti-depressants seem to be helping some...at least I don't feel like sleeping all the time.

I give up...

I give up trying to understand guys. Seriously. They want you there..but they don't, they want to talk to you..but not too much and only when it's good for them, they say we give them mixed signals...hell what do they think that they do to us?? They can call you "baby" or whatever, but please don't call them anything like that. Darren doesn't write to me pretty much for the whole month of May..maybe a sentence or two if that. Then I get two lengthy emails...which I'm NOT complaining about. He just wants to be friends, don't think we should meet again (which is fine), but he couldn't tell me this sooner?? So I would understand what was going on?? Then I don't write back right away and he's concerned that I'm mad at him....how many of MY emails didn't he answer??? So whatever. Then Tom...OK I called him babe a few times...I call a lot of people that. But I guess last night he was talking to some girl and said he didn't have a girlfriend or wife..which he doesn't...and I had texted like "night babe." Well he explained to me today that that is NOT ok, etc. Well fuck that. Whatever. Yes I like that word.:) He hurt my feelings..but they are hurt easily these days...he said he was sorry, that he didn't mean to do that. But I have come to the realization, that it would be better off if I never see him again...just be friends on here and that's that. Sex confuses everything. Then there's Ken...him and his wife are going to New York in a week or so because it's their 25th wedding anniversary...yes I feel like shit. BUT I do like him and I'm not the only one in this. Yes I'm justifying my actions. Anyhow, I'm backing off from that too. Can be friends on here and that's it. Good thing they live far away. Otherwise I don't know if I could stick to it. THEN there is Frank..one of the best friends that I ever had. It's the one that hurts the most. Wasn't even sexual. I'm having a hard time backing off and leaving him alone...feeling a bit like Glenn Close here.LOL But there's nothing I can do about it...so I have come to the realization. It hurts and pisses me off. Plus I have no idea how to contact anyone to tell them he may be suicidal. OK, enough craziness for now.:)

Tuesday evening

Well talked on IM to Frank briefly yesterday morning. Said that he enjoyed our time together and that he would never forget me. I told him how much I would miss him, etc. But I guess that he is really serious this time. There have been other times that he was kinda like this, but not to this extent. It's hard not to contact him at all. I miss him. We talked practically every day on IM for 4 months and now nothing. I hate it. I told him to please not block me on IM and that I wouldn't bother him and he said that he doesn't block anyone. That's how it ended. What else could I say? Beg and plead for him not to kick me out of his life?? Yes I thought about it, but what good would it do? He told me that being friends with me is "draining." Gee, thanks. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you no matter what?? I'm so sad. Anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he was so lonely and that he was going to kill himself. He had made me promise before he told me that that I wouldn't tell anyone. Then he changed him mind about doing it. Well, I don't know that he has. So now that he really doesn't have anyone to talk to...should I try to find some of his family, his ex-wife, a friend of his and tell them??? What do I have to lose, right? I already lost his friendship. So I will probably see what I can do. I don't want him dying.

Then Darren had sent me a rambling note last night. I had sent him a "religious" forward and so he told me what he thought of it. He wasn't mean or rude and hell at least he wrote something finally. Told me somewhat of how he feels. But I don't see our "friendship" continuing.

I'm not good at this NSA (no strings attached) sex. I'm obviously not made that way. If I don't hear from Tom or Ken for awhile...I'm just like "whatever." That's not the way it's supposed to be. Wasnt' supposed to bring more drama into my life. So, though I will probably see a 23 year old this weekend, I think besides that, I have to slow down. I don't see the point. I need more of the friendship aspect of it and most guys can't give that. What I seem to want is a husband AND a boyfriend. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

So this blog may be some about the "lifestyle," but for the most part, it will now also be about my battle with depression (and it IS a battle) and the battle with my weight. I went to the Mental Health Center today for an intake evaluation. I'll see the guy in a couple of weeks. Until then, they are going to start me on Celexa. I hope it helps and doesn't have a lot of side effects. He says that is sounds like I have "moderate" depression. Hell I wouldn't want to know what "severe" depression feels like!!:(

As for the weight...well I'm huge.LOL Have A LOT to go. First is 60 lbs. that I gained the past few years and then we'll go from there. I turn 4o on August 31st, so am hoping to be down at least that much by then. I've started to exercise some..walking and weights...will add aerobics as well. I just really have to watch what I eat. I did well yesterday, but today...all I want to DO is eat.:(