I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS...e

I missed my shrink appt the other day.  I have decided not to go back.  I don't think talking about my past is helping me, when it's the present that is kicking my ass.  Some days I'm good...and others,...like the past few...I'm so not.  I don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone.  I feel like staying in bed & ignoring the world.  It takes too much energy to be social & I just don't have it right now.  I love the Holidays...but not right at this second.  I have to get over Jeff.  NO DOUBT.  I need to stop thinking about him.  I think the more I try to do that, the more I end up thinking about it all.  Then I just get all upset & pissed off all over again.  We had good times.  But we also had bad times & I have to remember those as well.  I tend to only think about the good ones.  I haven't contacted him since I sent that last e-mail on the 5th asking WHY.  Of course, he didn't answer,  I didn't expect him to.   He's a coward for not just coming clean.  He doesn't respect me enough or ever loved me enough to give me an explaination.  He doesn't care that I hurt & that I want answers.  I just have to let it go.  So hard for me to do.  I know Karma is a bitch & maybe he will get is & maybe he won't.  Maybe his hurting me like he did is Karma for something I did in the past.  I don't really know.  I know that I'm not always a good person.  But who is?  Do I think I deserved all of this?  No.  But it happened & it's just the way it goes.  I thought I had my forever.  Now...well...it's just me & the kids for awhile & when they're grown & on their own...it's just me.  I have to accept that.  I have always felt that I needed a guy in my life or at least guys to accept me, want me,  (fuck...I just deleted most of this post accidentally!!  Now I just feel like not saying anything else, because I can't think of what I said before...was just letting it flow...annoying).   Would I like a guy in my life who was totally in love with me & I felt the same?  Yes....but it's not a thing that I can't live without right now.  I have to figure out what the hell it is that I need.  I need to get outside & walk & be in the fresh air...even though it's freezing.  I complain in the Summer that it's too hot.  Always something to complain about.  It's just another excuse not to get my fat ass moving.  I have been trying to eat less & better.  Not easy.  When it's cold out, I tend to want more carbs & comfort food, so have to fight against that.  I weigh myself every couple of days now so it won't get out of control, more than it already is.  I used to just count the pounds & not the ounces or whatever, now I do both.  On the 11th, I weighed 321.8 & yesterday I weighed 321.6.  Wasn't happy about that.  I know that I won't lose 10 lbs in 2 days...but even a pound would have been better than nothing.  I don't feel like doing anything except going back to bed & not dealing with the world.  I'm tired of people who lie & cheat.  Hell I can't even tell the difference obviously.  I have never been a good judge of character.  It sucks.  I have a rational side & a crazy, selfish, negative side to my personality.  Did I tell you that I have Borderline Personality Disorder?  Anyway, I wish that my rational side was out there more...but it's not.  Guess maybe it's just something else i have to work on.  I have kept a journal (notebooks) since May 2013...the longest that I have ever had one.  I was reading back some over the past few months last night & all that was going on with Jeff.  I KNEW that when he went to his mom's on August 9th that he wasn't coming back except to get his stuff.  I had written it down that I was afraid that he wouldn't come back & he didn't.  I felt there was someone else already, even though he denied it...and I was right again.  I don't know why people find it so damn easy to lie to me.  They must think I'm stupid...I'm not.  

I'm in pain every day...well...to an extent.  I supposedly have Fibromyalgia.  I take Gabapentin for it.  My knees hurt so bad when I get up after sitting for awhile..but after I'm up & walking, I'm good.  My shoulders hurt, etc.  I try to ignore it mostly.  I don't like the fact that I'm only 45 & I have these issues already. It makes me worry about when I'm 65. But I try not to think about the future too much...or the past.  I know that I need to concentrate on the now.  There's only that.  

My ex husband...who lives with someone & has been with them for awhile...keeps trying to hook up with me.  I find it annoying.  At one time, I would have been all over that.  It took me a long time to get over him....like 2 fucking years of my life.  Now he just wants a booty call every now & then?  I'm not even remotely interested.  

I have a FWB now that I have only seen one time, but will maybe see him more.  He's way too young for me & he's just passing the time until he finds "the one."  I feel that since I won't see him that often, that we can mostly just be friends & if something else happens, then it does.  But as for a relationship or love...I'm not even planning on any of that again.  I try not to be cynical...but I so am right now.  

IGNORANCE IS BLISS?

I told you about Jeff.  Well I haven't really contacted him since October 11th...though there was something I had to talk to him about towards the end of last month & he did respond...but I would rather not talk about that.  Anyway, he DID block me on his phone, but could still send e-mails.  He had said that he would never have Facebook, because he didn't like social media...well on November 5th, I decided to type his name in a & see.  Well he had a page.  Not much was on it.  A picture of him & that he lived in Colorado Springs....OH YEAH...and that he was in a relationship with this girl...I thought that was really fast to be in another relationship, but whatever...I looked at her page & there were pictures of him & her kids in the store, etc.  Well I looked more closely at his page to see WHEN they got into a relationship.  I figured it was August when he moved out.  It said March 3, 2014!~  WTF?!   How in the hell did he pull that one off & were the last two years a lie???  I was SO upset!!  I sent him an e-mail pretty much saying what I just said. He didn't answer me...I sent another e-mail & it bounced back..so he had blocked me.  He took down his Facebook page & any comments that he had made on her page...but not before I got copies of them.  Yes I know...I'm psycho.  Not really though.  He had blamed ME for not trying in our relationship, that he was the one that was trying...kinda hard to try when you're investing yourself elsewhere.  He never bought me anything..I bought him a few things here & there.  Yet I believe he sent her flowers in May.  Found this out the other day too, of course.  I sent him another e-mail asking WHY he would do this & HOW he could even think about doing this to me...the one that he was supposedly "completely" in love with & wanted to marry.  It went thru, so guess he unblocked me on e-mail.  I haven't said anything to him since & he hasn't said anything to me.  You would think that he would at least man up & tell me how stupid I had been for MONTHS if not YEARS.  I sent her a message as well telling her that I didn't know what he had been telling her, but that him & I had been in a relationship for a couple of years & he had been living with me.  She never wrote back, but noticed today that she took his pictures off of her page...whatever that means.  Yes I can be a vindictive bitch.  But the way he left...that was bad enough...but to be LYING to me the entire time & then blaming me???   I'm not just going to take that lying down.  I didn't deserve this kind of hurt.  Not from him.  I trusted him totally.  Believed that we were forever.  Didn't think we would ever be totally out of each others lives, even if we were just friends.  We talked or texted EVERY day for over 2 years...then he just walked away.  How can I even trust another guy again?  I look at it this way...from now on, I will just believe that everyone is lying until they prove otherwise.  It's a crappy way to live, but I've had enough of being hurt.  I think this was an even worse betrayal than when my ex husband left me.  I have had a few hard moments not e-mailing him....but what is there to say?  He doesn't want to tell me what was going on for all of those months...and I can't make him.  He is the one who fucked up & the one who has to deal with it.  I'm not such a bad person...he gave up something good for MAYBE something that he thought was better.  I have to move on.  I miss him every day.  I think about him constantly.  I wish I didn't.  I know that it will fade in time.  That I obsess about everything under the sun & then move on to something else to obsess about.  

I have gained a shit load of weight.  I have been afraid to get on the scale.  I had been in the 290's for awhile...after getting down from 350.  Well I have steadily been gaining weight.  As of today, I'm 321!!  WTF??  I said I would NEVER get up to this point again & yet here I am.  I knew that I had gained weight, because my jeans were tighter, my shirts didn't fit right...but didn't realize it would be THIS bad.  So now I have to lose 22 lbs just to get below 300 again.  So fucking depressing.  But i will.  I will watch the carbs, will exercise, will drink more water.  Because I sure as hell don't want to be THIS heavy or even heavier than this.    I'm totally discouraged.  I really didn't think I was eating that much.  I HAD stopped working out, so thought that had a lot to do with it.  But I'm constantly wanting to eat the past week or so.:(  If I could just stay away from cookies, chips, doughnuts, bread, etc. etc. then all would be good, right?  But then how miserable would I be?  It doesn't matter though... I HAVE to lose this weight.  It's just not an option to let myself get bigger.

I want to ask..do any of you believe in magic?  Seriously?  Do you believe in spells?  Let me know your thoughts.