I get so tired of watching, worrying about, stressing over, obsessing about what I eat.:( Carbs...well my body REALLY doesn't like them. Last weekend I ate a lot of carbs. I weighed on Monday and was up like 11 lbs from the previous weigh- in!! Then weighed again on Wednesday (after watching my carbs again for 2 days) and was down to 286!! So 9 lbs gone in two days and all because I didn't have many carbs. Crazy, right? So still trying, but have really slacked off on my exercising. I need to get back into it and FAST.
I jumped the gun on the Arturo thing..I did get a card an a pic from him on Valentine's Day.:)
Leaving Monday for Colorado Springs...hope the weather is decent and hope all goes well with moms' surgery on Tuesday. I will let you know.
.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
CHANGING THE NAME OF MY BLOG
OK I hope I didn't confuse anyone.LOL Went from "The Sweet (or not so sweet) Life to My Crazy Life...seems more appropriate somehow.:)
LIFE COULD BE A BIT EASIER.....
Ok with the weight thing first. I have eaten sooo much the past 3 days.:( I'm soooo pissed off at myself right now. I'm not going to "start over" on low carb, I'm just going to get back on it. Starting today. I weigh in on Wednesday and I know it's not going to be good. If anything, I have gained. I just wish I had the willpower like some people do. But I will keep on keeping on and try to get down to as far as I can.
My oldest, Phillip, turned 13 yesterday!!! That's soooo hard to believe! He had a nice day. Cake and ice cream at his grandmas' AND his aunts' house!! That means I did too...unfortunately. One if his friends went bowling with us on Saturday. We will have a party with more of his friends this weekend.
When Arturo and I first started writing, he would send cards..ones that he made or other ones..quite a bit. He was able to send me a stuffed animal for my birthday in August. Now he doesn't seem to even make an effort. Today is Valentine's Day and he didn't send me anything.:( Just a little disappointed. He said he would call me on Saturday morning and he did..but I didn't get the phone in time. I thought he would call right back, but he never did. So he's probably pissed about that too. I have no idea what is really going on with him these days. He says he loves me and wants to marry me when he gets out..but his actions aren't really showing that. Not sure how I feel anymore. I still love him, but can I trust him like I used to? Trust him to be in my corner and be there for me? I don't know and that sucks.
Went up and saw Big Mike yesterday for awhile. He's fun to hang around with. Just need to not get too close to him either since he has a girlfriend. Story of my life.LOL
I had another meltdown on Saturday. Dave said he's going to Denver on the 4th and that just stressed me out. The boys have a bowling tournament in Pueblo on the 6th and he said he would be there, since he's coming home on the 5th. She has to get injections in her back or whatever on the 4th, so that's why he's going up there. She was in a car accident in September or October and it messed up her back some. I told Dave that karma is a bitch. I'm sooo not nice sometimes.:( I'm working on that. Just gotta forgive and move on. I'm trying. Just going to have to stop having so much interaction with Dave. He doesn't understand that, because he's over me. But in order for me to move on, I have to keep a certain distance from him. It's hard. Especially when I still miss him and he texts and calls me. I will be better someday, right?
Then with mom....she is soooo sad and scared. Which makes me feel the same way. They are going to do surgery in Colorado Springs on the 22nd. They will put a tube or whatever it is, in thru her groin and go up into her heart and see how bad things are. Then they will know more and go from there. Either put a stent in or do a bypass if they think it's necessary. They said that it's not IF she has a heart attack or stroke but WHEN.:( So I hope that this works. I know that she will never be totally fine, but I hope that she can be at least feeling good again. She has a lot of risk factors...I'm worried. I don't want to lose her. I try to be more positive, but it's hard for me sometimes.
The depression has been kicking my ass lately. I just wish it would go away. Tired of dealing with it.
My oldest, Phillip, turned 13 yesterday!!! That's soooo hard to believe! He had a nice day. Cake and ice cream at his grandmas' AND his aunts' house!! That means I did too...unfortunately. One if his friends went bowling with us on Saturday. We will have a party with more of his friends this weekend.
When Arturo and I first started writing, he would send cards..ones that he made or other ones..quite a bit. He was able to send me a stuffed animal for my birthday in August. Now he doesn't seem to even make an effort. Today is Valentine's Day and he didn't send me anything.:( Just a little disappointed. He said he would call me on Saturday morning and he did..but I didn't get the phone in time. I thought he would call right back, but he never did. So he's probably pissed about that too. I have no idea what is really going on with him these days. He says he loves me and wants to marry me when he gets out..but his actions aren't really showing that. Not sure how I feel anymore. I still love him, but can I trust him like I used to? Trust him to be in my corner and be there for me? I don't know and that sucks.
Went up and saw Big Mike yesterday for awhile. He's fun to hang around with. Just need to not get too close to him either since he has a girlfriend. Story of my life.LOL
I had another meltdown on Saturday. Dave said he's going to Denver on the 4th and that just stressed me out. The boys have a bowling tournament in Pueblo on the 6th and he said he would be there, since he's coming home on the 5th. She has to get injections in her back or whatever on the 4th, so that's why he's going up there. She was in a car accident in September or October and it messed up her back some. I told Dave that karma is a bitch. I'm sooo not nice sometimes.:( I'm working on that. Just gotta forgive and move on. I'm trying. Just going to have to stop having so much interaction with Dave. He doesn't understand that, because he's over me. But in order for me to move on, I have to keep a certain distance from him. It's hard. Especially when I still miss him and he texts and calls me. I will be better someday, right?
Then with mom....she is soooo sad and scared. Which makes me feel the same way. They are going to do surgery in Colorado Springs on the 22nd. They will put a tube or whatever it is, in thru her groin and go up into her heart and see how bad things are. Then they will know more and go from there. Either put a stent in or do a bypass if they think it's necessary. They said that it's not IF she has a heart attack or stroke but WHEN.:( So I hope that this works. I know that she will never be totally fine, but I hope that she can be at least feeling good again. She has a lot of risk factors...I'm worried. I don't want to lose her. I try to be more positive, but it's hard for me sometimes.
The depression has been kicking my ass lately. I just wish it would go away. Tired of dealing with it.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
WEIGH IN RESULTS
OK, I was so busy with my life problems or whatever they may be in my last post to remember to put what I weigh today!!:) I like my scale better, but the doctor scale is 5 lbs heavier than mine. Anyway, I lost 5 lbs this week!! WOO HOO!!!LOL It's better than the whole pound I lost last week. So on the doctor scale (is theirs really the TRUE weight???)LOL I'm at 289 lbs!! I know I can lose the weight. I remember being like 350 and thinking if I can just get down to 300, then the rest of it should be a piece of cake (which doesn't even sound good right now thank God!!!!) But it hasn't been. I have been stuck at around 295 for about 4 months and I'm tired of it. I started low carb on January 18th, but then fell of the wagon big time even before the 2 week induction phase was even over!!:( So much for willpower. So started AGAIN on February 5th. So this is my 5th day and doing OK SO FAR. I still get cravings for sugar though...working on that. I'm hoping at my next weigh in on the 16th, I will have lost at least another 5 lbs. We will see though. I want to lose as much as I can before Spring and especially Summer get here. It's no fun being fat ANY time of the year, but during the Summer it's even worse. I will post a pic on here when I get down to 275. So only 14 lbs to go for the first goal!
WEDNESDAY...
Well Mike never did call. I guess that's just the way it goes. I haven't tried to call him again either. No point in making myself look desperate or whatever I would look like chasing a guy who obviously doesn't want me.
Big Mike had to stay in Colorado Springs with his daughter until yesterday. She has some ear problems as well and they operated on her for that and she's doing good. They found that she has nothing wrong with her gallbladder or liver, so that's awesome!
It's friggin' COLD here!!! We got some snow yesterday finally. We haven't gotten much at all the whole Winter. I knew that as soon as Spring got closer, we would start getting dumped on. It's been that way for the past few years. It was sooo cold here yesterday, wind blowing hard, snowing and yet they STILL didn't close the schools. They had a 2 hour delay though. I just decided to keep my kids at home. Dominic and Matthew have been sick enough.
Arturo called on Sunday. He seems in a pretty good mood. But he says that if he doesn't get paroled this year, that he doesn't care about not getting a "write up" anymore. He hasn't gotten one in 2 years and has stayed out of trouble, yet they still denied him parole last year. He has taken all the classes that they want him to and done all he needs to do. I don't understand why they wouldn't let him out this year. He has hope, but he also doesn't think that they will. He said he won't try to stay out of trouble as much if they deny him again. He will just do his full term..which is another 4 years...April 2015. He has been in for 13, so he said that another 4 is nothing. Well it's something to me. I'm not getting any younger and a lot of things change in 4 years. So don't really know where this is going or how it will end. Just have to wait and see.
Dave went to Denver last weekend to see his girlfriend. I don't know why that still bothers me, but it does. It still hurts. But I can kinda put it in the back of my mind when he's up there. He came back on Monday. That same day, her daughter put a picture of them up on facebook. Well I didn't take that very well. Just hard for me to see them together and looking so damn happy. I know that him and I don't feel the same for each other anymore and we can't go back, but I miss what used to be. Just hard knowing that he doesn't love me anymore. So Monday was a crappy day to say the least. Those kinds of days I don't like having. You get to a point where you wonder what the point even is. Why bother to keep trying, keep moving on, if things have the possibility of just getting worse? Why not just leave on your own terms? But that's a horrible way to think and feel. So I'm better now and try not to have too many of those days. I have kids that I love with all of my heart and they love me and I can't leave them. They need me. I know that one day they won't and then I will reconsider some things. But for now I keep trudging on thru this thing called life. I hate the fact that I can't let a guy see the real me. It seems like whenever I try, they back off. I don't even talk about my ex to them. So don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong, though it could be having sex to soon!LOL But hell they want it and so do I, so I don't know what the big deal is. I have made a decision not to go out by myself..that just leads to trouble. So will only go out if one of my friends wants to go and asks me, not the other way around. I also don't need to become an alcoholic and I think it would be easy to do. I don't drink A LOT when I go out, but enough. At least I feel better for a little while.
I'm going with my mom and step-dad on Friday when she goes to see the heart doctor in Colorado Springs. She's in a lot of pain from her torn rotator cuff and VERY depressed about everything that's going on. She saw the doctor yesterday and he's concerned about her. He gave her some pretty strong pain pills. He said that maybe if she wasn't hurting so much, that she would feel better. They FINALLY checked her cholesterol. I don't know why the hell they didn't do that before! It's high and her diabetes isn't under control.:( It seems like everything is going wrong with her at the same time. Never take for granted that you have your health or your loved ones, because your health or your loved ones could be gone the next day....the next minute. I wish now that we would have done a lot of things last Summer..go places more with her. Now may not get that chance. I can't even think about losing her. It makes me feel
sick.:(
Big Mike had to stay in Colorado Springs with his daughter until yesterday. She has some ear problems as well and they operated on her for that and she's doing good. They found that she has nothing wrong with her gallbladder or liver, so that's awesome!
It's friggin' COLD here!!! We got some snow yesterday finally. We haven't gotten much at all the whole Winter. I knew that as soon as Spring got closer, we would start getting dumped on. It's been that way for the past few years. It was sooo cold here yesterday, wind blowing hard, snowing and yet they STILL didn't close the schools. They had a 2 hour delay though. I just decided to keep my kids at home. Dominic and Matthew have been sick enough.
Arturo called on Sunday. He seems in a pretty good mood. But he says that if he doesn't get paroled this year, that he doesn't care about not getting a "write up" anymore. He hasn't gotten one in 2 years and has stayed out of trouble, yet they still denied him parole last year. He has taken all the classes that they want him to and done all he needs to do. I don't understand why they wouldn't let him out this year. He has hope, but he also doesn't think that they will. He said he won't try to stay out of trouble as much if they deny him again. He will just do his full term..which is another 4 years...April 2015. He has been in for 13, so he said that another 4 is nothing. Well it's something to me. I'm not getting any younger and a lot of things change in 4 years. So don't really know where this is going or how it will end. Just have to wait and see.
Dave went to Denver last weekend to see his girlfriend. I don't know why that still bothers me, but it does. It still hurts. But I can kinda put it in the back of my mind when he's up there. He came back on Monday. That same day, her daughter put a picture of them up on facebook. Well I didn't take that very well. Just hard for me to see them together and looking so damn happy. I know that him and I don't feel the same for each other anymore and we can't go back, but I miss what used to be. Just hard knowing that he doesn't love me anymore. So Monday was a crappy day to say the least. Those kinds of days I don't like having. You get to a point where you wonder what the point even is. Why bother to keep trying, keep moving on, if things have the possibility of just getting worse? Why not just leave on your own terms? But that's a horrible way to think and feel. So I'm better now and try not to have too many of those days. I have kids that I love with all of my heart and they love me and I can't leave them. They need me. I know that one day they won't and then I will reconsider some things. But for now I keep trudging on thru this thing called life. I hate the fact that I can't let a guy see the real me. It seems like whenever I try, they back off. I don't even talk about my ex to them. So don't know exactly what I'm doing wrong, though it could be having sex to soon!LOL But hell they want it and so do I, so I don't know what the big deal is. I have made a decision not to go out by myself..that just leads to trouble. So will only go out if one of my friends wants to go and asks me, not the other way around. I also don't need to become an alcoholic and I think it would be easy to do. I don't drink A LOT when I go out, but enough. At least I feel better for a little while.
I'm going with my mom and step-dad on Friday when she goes to see the heart doctor in Colorado Springs. She's in a lot of pain from her torn rotator cuff and VERY depressed about everything that's going on. She saw the doctor yesterday and he's concerned about her. He gave her some pretty strong pain pills. He said that maybe if she wasn't hurting so much, that she would feel better. They FINALLY checked her cholesterol. I don't know why the hell they didn't do that before! It's high and her diabetes isn't under control.:( It seems like everything is going wrong with her at the same time. Never take for granted that you have your health or your loved ones, because your health or your loved ones could be gone the next day....the next minute. I wish now that we would have done a lot of things last Summer..go places more with her. Now may not get that chance. I can't even think about losing her. It makes me feel
sick.:(
Friday, February 4, 2011
TRIALS.....
I will start of first with Mike...OK...I can take a hint.LOL If he was really interested, he would call me on a more regular basis, right? Also when I call him, he would either answer or call me back after I leave a message, right? Well he doesn't do either. I called him Monday night and left a message to see how he was doing. Never called me back. Called and left another message last night to see if he wanted to hang out this weekend or just go to dinner. Nothing. Men confuse me. Anyway, will just back off and if he calls, he calls and if he doesn't, then I will get over it.
My diet SUCKS.:( I'm having a hard time staying on it. I lost A POUND in a week.:( That's soooo disappointing. I was exercising every day, but have slacked off now that it doesn't seem to be doing any good. I know that I can't think that way. But I get discouraged. Just have to get back into it fast, before I just don't do it at all.
Went with my mom to the doctor on Monday. She also has a torn rotator cuff (muscle in her shoulder), but they won't do surgery on that until after she has surgery on her heart (they have to put a stent in one of her arteries) AND stop smoking for 3 months. I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.LOL We'll see. She has some scarring on a little piece of her heart, which they say means she has had a mild heart attack at some point!!!:( They can't say exactly when though. They say that sometimes diabetics have silent heart attacks. That's scary.;( I just want her to be OK. She goes to Colorado Springs to see the heart doctor on the 11th.
One of Big Mikes' little girls has been in the hospital the past couple of days.:( They don't know what's wrong with her. Think maybe her gallbladder needs to come out and also maybe something wrong with her liver. Please pray for her. She's only 5 or 6.
I'm still hoping that Arturo gets out this year. His parole hearing is May 12th. He may not find out until June or July though.
I had an abortion on February 4, 1992....I'm sooo sorry my baby.:( I was selfish and wrong. I have never forgotten you. I hope you can forgive me.
My diet SUCKS.:( I'm having a hard time staying on it. I lost A POUND in a week.:( That's soooo disappointing. I was exercising every day, but have slacked off now that it doesn't seem to be doing any good. I know that I can't think that way. But I get discouraged. Just have to get back into it fast, before I just don't do it at all.
Went with my mom to the doctor on Monday. She also has a torn rotator cuff (muscle in her shoulder), but they won't do surgery on that until after she has surgery on her heart (they have to put a stent in one of her arteries) AND stop smoking for 3 months. I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.LOL We'll see. She has some scarring on a little piece of her heart, which they say means she has had a mild heart attack at some point!!!:( They can't say exactly when though. They say that sometimes diabetics have silent heart attacks. That's scary.;( I just want her to be OK. She goes to Colorado Springs to see the heart doctor on the 11th.
One of Big Mikes' little girls has been in the hospital the past couple of days.:( They don't know what's wrong with her. Think maybe her gallbladder needs to come out and also maybe something wrong with her liver. Please pray for her. She's only 5 or 6.
I'm still hoping that Arturo gets out this year. His parole hearing is May 12th. He may not find out until June or July though.
I had an abortion on February 4, 1992....I'm sooo sorry my baby.:( I was selfish and wrong. I have never forgotten you. I hope you can forgive me.
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