SOME DAYS......

Some days I feel better...positive, happy, etc. But other days...negative, depressed. Today is one of the negative days. I'm just sooo damn tired. Physically and mentally. Still haven't heard from Arturo. I hate when things are left unsaid. I just want to know what I did wrong. Or why should I even blame myself, right? Maybe it's just him. It's just that I love him and trusted him. I have to quit trusting so damn easily. I know that I will get past this eventually...but it's hard for me. I need closure and I'm not sure that I will ever get that.

The diet thing is going OK. Exercised again this morning..some days it's hard to get motivated, but have been doing pretty good the past couple of months. The extra 1/2 hour is seriously kicking my ass though.LOL Haven't had hardly any carbs for 2 days now. I know I can't keep this up permanently, but for now, it's OK. I definitely need sugar or bread in the future! Just want to get down to a certain weight first. Which is really like 50 lbs away. That won't make me thin, but it will make me feel better. Then we will go from there.

My mom is having kidney stone surgery today..right now as I write actually. I hope that she'll be OK!! Will let you know.

FINALLY BACK!

Well here I am once more...can't believe that it's been 5 months since I last posted. Last I wrote, I was going to Vegas..I had a blast!!! But then came back to reality and July was a hellacious month. I wanted Dave back sooo bad and he wouldn't even consider it. I had a friend that I was writing to (in prison) named Arturo and he was helping me thru things. I will basically just run down the past few months. I went to visit Arturo numerous times in August, September and October...after I knew that there was nothing left of Dave and I. I will never totally get over Dave, but without trust, there is nothing. I hope that we will always be friends. I really cared about Arturo and was falling for him...I still care. But they moved him farther away and I haven't seen him since November 5th. I thought that that was bad, but hell, that was nothing. I haven't gotten a letter from him since December 4th and no phone calls since the 12th..where he asked me not to leave him. OK, so where is he? In all the time we have written...he has never just fell off the face of the earth like this. I miss him. Going to the mailbox every day and not getting anything from him...well I can't handle the disappointment anymore...so plan on only checking my PO Box once a week...on Sunday nights...so I only have to be sad and hurt then, instead of every friggin' day. I sent a letter out to him yesterday asking WTF? It was basically a good-bye letter..I just feel that if he isn't putting the forth the effort, then there's no use. I told him I would always be here for him and love him. I just need to learn to let it go now. Guess it shouldn't be too hard. It's not like I've never had someone leave me before. No, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. Just stating a fact. I filed for divorce in October (we had been legally separated since April). In mid-November, Dave had a change of heart again and wanted to try to make it work. His heart really isn't into it though. Our divorce was final on December 8th. Can't believe that I'm divorced. Anyway, after that, I asked Dave if he could ever get Gracie (gf) out of his system and he said no, so that was the end of that. No sense in trying. No sense in confusing the boys more. We get along and are still friends for the most part. It's still hard for me when he goes out of town to see her for a weekend. Maybe it's because they are so happy and in love. I really don't know. I'm just trying to focus on me now...and of course, my boys. I love them so much! They are doing pretty well. Phillip is already taller than me and he's 12! I'm 5'8! Plus he's in a size 13 shoe and it's almost too small! My other two are doing well too and they all had a fun Christmas.:)
I need to find a job again soon...which I don't look forward to...though it may be good for me to get out of the house. The depression still kicks my ass from time to time, but just have to deal with it. I take Celexa for it and it helps a little, but not a lot. I haven't really lost anymore weight...about 60 lbs altogether, but have been about the same for the past 3 months now. The Holidays didn't help much. So yesterday, I started exercising for 1 1/2 hours a day instead of just an hour. Plus have tried to cut out carbs again for awhile..will see how long THAT lasts!LOL
My sister, Cindy..who I haven't talked to in almost 3 years...had a baby girl on August 26th and named her Jasmine Rain. I hope that Cindy is a better mom this time around. Her oldest daughter, Justine, will be 18 next month...my mom has custody of her.
My mom has to go in for surgery today for kidney stones...she had to have emergency surgery on the 5th...they took her by ambulance to a hospital 60 miles from here. They put a stent in next to her kidney, so she would be able to pee...her kidneys had started to shut down because a stone is stuck and is too big to pass. They couldn't do major surgery then, because she is on blood thinners. So she went off of them a few days ago and has the surgery tomorrow and then can go back on blood thinners. She has been so tired and run down lately and that's just not like her at all. I'm soooo worried that it may be something worse. When they did the CAT scan that found the stones, it also showed that she had some calcium build up in two arteries going to her heart.:( So she has a stress test scheculed for January 12th and will see from there. She just turned 61 at the end of November. I just want her to be OK!
Almost 2 weeks ago, I started talking to a guy on-line and he's from the same town that I am, but he moved away a lot of years ago. He lives about 2 hours away and is in the process of getting a divorce from his wife. They have been married for 34 years! He says there are just a lot of things wrong. It's nice talking to him and we have a lot in common. It's nice having a friend that I can really talk to and I hope he doesn't bail on that friendship. I've had enough of that crap. He's 52...which is different for me...I usually go for younger ones. Even as friends. Arturo is 30. Right now, I'm just enjoying having somone to talk to who doesn't judge me.
I'm determined to make 2011 a really great year. The past 4 years have pretty much sucked...though there have been good moments too. Not every year is all good or all bad. I just want a few years where there is more happiness than pain and sadness. Is that too much to ask???
Well guess that's enough for now. It's good to be back and getting some of this off my chest.

VEGAS HERE I COME!!:)

Leaving for Denver and the airport in about 10 minutes...it's almost 4am. Too damn early for me! I'm nervous as all hell, but I hope to have a great time! Will let you know how it went when I get back.

VEGAS

I'm leaving for Vegas in the morning...yes I SHOULD be happy and excited and I am to an extent. But Dave is just taking me up there so he can see HER for awhile. I mean, I KNEW that...but he kept saying "no she has to work." He thinks I'm stupid obviously. Anyway, he is going to see her. Our oldest is going with us..my son will have to be around her for awhile too, which pisses me off to no end. He's met her before and doesn't like her. So it is what it is, right? Might as well get used to this shit. I don't think I ever will though. I'm on that dating site...mostly because they have cool questions to answer to match you up with someone better...I don't want to really meet anyone. Here on out, it's just the kids and I. I'm done with this BS. I won't get over Dave any time in the near future. I can't imagine being with anyone else ever...there's no way I'm bringing guys around my kids anyhow. So here's to a life alone.

GUESS IS STILL HAD HOPE....

I didn't realize that I was still holding onto some hope...but I was. We had been doing things together, having fun, laughing, etc. Well yesterday I asked if we were really over and he just gave me a sad look and gave me a hug!:( He told me that he would "try his best" to stay here (in this town). He loves his boys and they love him. SHE lives in Denver...I really hope that he DOES find a way to stay here and not leave them. Not move to Denver and raise HER kids and not his own. But am I going to hold my breath?? HELL NO. I still have A LOT of anger that I didn't think I had. I wish we could've made it work. But can't go back and do it over. I will just have to learn to live without him. A hard thing, considering he was my best friend too. He had been texting me in the morning on his way to work and all...he didn't this morning. Probably because I was NOT nice last night after everything. I told him there will be "rules" now. No sex or any sexual stuff, no just coming by the house when he wants, he can't be at the house if I'm not there, etc. I hate this.

WEDNESDAY...

Hey I couldn't think of a better title!!LOL The 4th of July was fun. Went to the parade at 4 with Dave and the boys. Then had a barbecue at my sister-in-laws'. We watched fireworks (shot off a nearby mountain) from her front yard. Sitting on lawn chairs, covered with blankets...got a bit chilly!! Had a nice time though.

I still don't feel good. I hate that. My oldest told me yesterday "you never feel good." It's sooo depressing, but it IS true. It's a rare day that I actually feel GOOD. On those days, I try to get as much done as I can, because I know the days I feel like crap..I won't feel like doing much of anything.

I haven't lost any more weight, but took my measurements yesterday and I have lost 2 more inches off my hips!! Woo-hoo!! I'm just hoping I can fit in the airplane seat on Tuesday! I'm so worried about that. Thin people would never understand.

My mom has to go in tomorrow for them to put some kind of dye in her back...her discs are bad and she's been having a lot of pain with that. She had to go off her blood thinners for this and I worry about that a lot as well. She's 60. So please keep her in your prayers that she will be OK.

A question for you: Would you ever consider writing to a prisoner?

FEELING SICK

I started feeling crappy last night and still don't feel good...nauseous and just "icky." So, for today, I think I will just sleep some and rest. I need to let the stress go. Just not sure how. I texted my sister last night (the one I'm closest to) and told her that Dave decided to be with Gracie again...she texted back "well you didn't want him back anyway, right?" WTF??! Is she NOT supposed to have my back? Guess not. She has been thru the whole divorce thing too. I don't know why she thought it would be so easy for me to take him back after everything that had happened. I just think that all the negative people in my life...that I'm just going to have to move on from them. I love my sister...but I'm the one who reaches out to her all the time, she never does that for me. I know she works a lot, but she makes time for her friends. So whatever. It makes me sad, because my youngest sister and I haven't even talked or seen each other in over 2 years! We probably won't either. I wish her the best though. My mom and step-dad now have custody of her daughter..who will be 18 in January. Well my sister is pregnant again and due in October. It's crazy..she had my niece when she was 14 and wasn't able to get pregnant again til now...she' 32. She didn't make the best parent the first time around...hope she does better with this one. It's supposed to be another girl.

Dave may want to be with Gracie...hell I really don't know what he wants. But he came over this morning for sex. Did I give in? Yep. He is still MY husband and I love him. But I don't have any illusions or is it delusions?? I know that he wants his cake and eat it too. I told him yesterday, that she will start nagging him again, pressuring him, etc and then what is he going to do? Especially if he ever moves up there and can't just come back? He would have to transfer up there and would have to be up there for at least a year before he could transfer back and even then, there's no guarantee that there would be an opening here. Plus I know how much he would miss his own kids while he has to be up there dealing with hers. I told him that he just really needs to think about it. He said he would..but who knows.

My oldest had a probation meeting the other day and he may be off of probation in 6 months instead of another year! So that's good news.:)

Dave is supposed to be taking me to Denver on the 13th to get my plane for Las Vegas...he says he's not going to see her, that she has to work...but like I believe that. My flight is in the morning, so he would have all day with her. My oldest wants to go too...so he would tell me if Dave saw her. Dave is like "that's too early in the morning for him to get up." Yeah whatever.

I HATE THE WORD DIET AND OTHER THINGS...

I have been seriously sucking at the weight loss. I have gained and lost the same 3-6 lbs over the past week or so. I'm sooo over it. But all I really want to do is EAT. Especially when I'm stressed...I want SUGAR!! Since I've been so stressed lately..it's hard to resist. I leave for Vegas on the 13th and was hoping to be way less than I am right now.:( I may go out the 11th if I can get some things changed. I bought a "package" thru cheaptickets and now if I want to change the flight out, I have to cancel the whole package (which includes 2 nights at Circus Circus and the flight home). There will be a cancellation fee. I don't know what the big deal is. I just thought that with everything going on, a couple of more days out there would be nice. Will call again tomorrow and see what I can do if anything.

I noticed something recently...some of Daves' extended family isn't as friendly to me as they once were...not sure what that is about. I hate that. If you have a problem with me..then come out and say it. I don't think it's my imagination. So don't know what they have heard and what they haven't.

As for Dave and I, I have come to realize a few things. I will never get totally over him. I just can't. I don't think he will ever get totally over me either. So we have a sort of truce right now, but I know it won't last forever. I can't let myself believe that we will ever get back together or that he wants that. It's hard though. We still talk and hang out. Maybe that's not a good thing, but I can't let go right now. I know that when he DOES go to Denver to see her that it will devastate me. Right now, I'm just ignoring that...it hasn't happened, so I don't have to deal with it. When he DOES go..I don't know how I will react. I know it probably won't be good.
I don't even feel like telling my family what is going on. I don't want them to be sad. I don't want them to hate Dave. I don't know what he plans on telling his sisters...that's up to him. I feel like sending HER an e-mail and saying a few things...but I'm sure that wouldn't help matters much. I'm pretty sure that I couldn't be nice about it. In my head..I know that we are thru, but my heart refuses to believe it.

I joined a dating site...just to see what was out there, plus I just like seeing if I get any responses and on this one there are questions you can answer (a lot of them) and I love that. Weird, I know. I have come to find that a lot of Colorado guys don't like fat girls. I can't speak for all of them though...so there may be a few out there that do. I find that guys in Oklahoma are nicest.:) Like I said, not looking for anything. Friendship is good enough for me. I think that I have become too jaded. I can't see myself being in love ever again. Just don't think it's gonna happen, especially since I can't get over Dave. In my next post...I will tell you about one of my guy friends who has done the same thing that Dave has practically. He wants to know how to make it easier on his wife!! Wants my advice on that! What is he...crazy???

Went to see the Air Force Band at the park tonight and had a lot of fun. Went with Dave, his sister, my 6 year old, Matthew, my mom and step-dad. It was beautiful out! The funniest thing was watching Matthew dance around and be silly!LOL He is my drama king for sure.

FORGOT...

Dave, the boys and I went bowling last night. It was fun...things seemed OK. I know they're not. It all just hurts. I know that I have made A LOT of mistakes in the past year and a half. I'm to blame as well. I just wanted to make this marriage work. I love him. I just can't do this anymore.

ANOTHER DAY...

I'm just having a hard time. Today has been not great. He's been nice to me and all...texting and calling. Saying "I love you" at the end of each conversation. But we talked on the phone tonight and he still can't decide...well actually he DID, he just didn't come out and say it straight out. I told him that I hope he's good with his decision, because he will NOT come back to me again. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I told him all he thinks about his himself...not even Gracie..just what makes HIM happy. F**k who gets hurt as long as HE'S happy. I told him that he treats me like a piece of s**t and he said that he doesn't and I asked him how he even thought that he didn't. That why did he think it was OK to do this to me again? I told him that he even f****ed thinks up with Jayson and I. That I can't even go back to that. It was OK when he was with Gracie and I was just hooking up with random guys, but that as soon as one of them cared about me and wanted to be with me, all of a sudden, he wanted me back. So I treated Jayson like crap. I stayed away from him because Dave and I were trying to work things out. Yes he called me some names when he was pissed off at me, but how is that worse than what Dave has done to me??? At least it made him think. I told him that it's all well and good that he's "happy" again and with her, but that he messed up that chance that I had with Jayson. He says he knows and he feels "bad" about that. I told him to make sure that he can deal with the fact that one day I will find someone else and that they will be in his kids' life and will be doing things with them and make sure he's ready to deal with that. He says he doesn't know if he can..well too bad. The only reason he's OK with everything right now is because I don't have anyone in my life. I'm so stressed out and sad today. I guess there will be many more days ahead like that. Better get used to it. Guess we won't tell our families until after the 4th of July. No need for everyone to hate each other before the barbecue that Daves' sister is having.

On the weight loss front...I suck. I've still lost like 42 lbs, but I should have lost more this past week and I haven't. Being on low carb is hard when you're upset like I am..just want sugar and carbs. So I've had some and I still want some. But trying to fight it.

How do I go on in this life??? Do I even want to??

CRAZINESS......

Well yesterday was NOT a good day. I was a mess. The more he acted indifferent, the worse I got. It just annoys me to all hell that he has so many feelings for HER and that he can't choose!! My oldest, who is 12, is upset..he can tell things are wrong. Dave told him last night that we weren't going to get back together and Phillip yelled at him and took a swing at him! He's taking all of this really hard and all the back and forth isn't helping. I called Dave last night and yes, I begged and told him that I would give up all of my male friends (it's not like I have a million)..they don't live here anyway. So he said that he would be up. He came up and talked and said that he would give me a second chance. Well, thank you for that. He ended up staying the night. But then this morning...well he was sad and teary-eyed, because he knew he was going to have to tell Gracie that he was back with me. I told him that he shouldn't be that upset about it. So now it's back to him not knowing what to do...who to choose. Why am I even in this position?? Because I put myself here and I can't let go. I told him that he could be friends with her...well I don't think that's going to work. The more they talk, the more they want to be back together. I asked him today should I wait or is it over and he said he didn't know! Then he said that we should wait awhile and see what happens. That since I'm "letting" him talk to her, that I can still talk to my friends if I want to. Ya know, this is gonna end with him choosing her again over me. I have no doubt. Yet I will continue on this crazy merry-go-round til the end. I want it to work for the boys' sakes...for MY sake. I want to be able to make him happy. Did we lose what we had??? How in the HELL did that happen?? I have to be an adult and not break down all the time over this. To not threaten him with not seeing his kids. I just don't want them around her. He told me this morning that he would cancel the lawyers' appt. he made yesterday. I said what was it for and he told me it was for custody!!! I never thought he would do that, but he said that he would never let me keep the kids from him. I don't blame him and I would never do that...to him or the boys. But for him to even consider taking me to court shocked the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure it wasn't just his decision. I don't know that for sure, but she has a lot of power over him it seems. Of course, she was upset when he told her that he was going to give me another chance. She loves him and wants to be with him. I wanted to believe him when he said he wanted me back. I just couldn't totally trust him. Yes I would talk to Jayson some, but I was never emotionally invested in that and Dave knew that. So even if I would have went back to Dave in February or March...there's no guarantee that he wouldn't have done what he's doing now. He just can't get her out of his system.:( I know that I will be alone for a long time...I don't even know how I would begin to move on.

I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN.......

Well what I thought would happen DID happen as far as the ex is concerned. I thought that if he ever got mad at me or we had an argument, that he would run back to Gracie (who he left me for). He got mad at me a couple of weeks ago and was acting different. Finally, yesterday he admitted that he was talking to her again and he just doesn't think it's "going to work out for us." Deja vu. This from a guy who I have given at least two chances to and he won't even give me ONE. This from a guy who was crying to me last month, because he "couldn't live without me." He just flips a switch and I'm out AGAIN. He did that last August, then he did it again in February to HER...he didn't love her anymore, didn't want to be with her, wanted his family back. Now he does it again..he DOES love her, DOES want her back. He told me he would never hurt me like that again. He was sorry, he knew he f****d up, etc. But yet here we are. It hurts just as much as the first time. I was stupid. I didn't realize that I still loved him as much as I do. But yet it doesn't matter. He cares about himself and Gracie and that's it. I don't know how things will end up, but it won't be good. They are making a fool out of me again...she's probably just THRILLED that this is happening. He says he's not treating me any differently, but he is. Just like before...doesn't want to deal with me and my emotions, cold to me on the phone when we do talk, doesn't text me or call me like he was, etc. Then what the hell do I tell my family??? My step-dad was sooo pissed off at him, but was being nice to Dave, because of me. My mom was even starting to get past what he did to me. Now it's happening again?? What the hell??? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I DO know that my kids will never be allowed around the b***h. She doesn't like me. She knows a lot of things about me (all negative from Dave) and there's NO WAY I will let her be around my kids. I don't know how I'm supposed to get past this when I still love him so much. I don't know how I'm supposed to "keep it together" when I'm around my kids. I hurt and I'm tired of it. He put me thru 6 months of hell, but he couldn't give me 6 months to try to get past the hurt and to trust him again? I must not be worth much.

Good news and bad news...

Well on the bright side....I'm at the lowest weight I've been for over 4 years!! So I'm very happy about that! 312 lbs...I know it's still a lot, but it's really a big thing for me. It's been hard to get down to this point...and though I have a long way to go...I'm still proud of myself for getting here.:)

I'm sad today and feel lost. I want sooo much to believe my ex. For things to somehow to go back to what was. Do I just take him back, knowing that I will always be wondering if he's still talking to her?? I don't know. I hate feeling like this. So damn alone and insecure. I just want to be able to trust him, to KNOW that's he's not talking to her..to not ask to see his phone, not check on him. Thank GOD she lives 3 hours away. I would go crazy if she lived here. He gave me the password to his e-mail, so I can "see" that he's not talking to her. That doesn't help me really. Why would he keep the same e-mail if I had the password to it? He could just get a different e-mail and use THAT one to communicate with her. I'm going to drive myself crazy with all of this.

I'm not with Jayson anymore...well never really was. But we haven't talked in a few days and I don't see that changing any time soon. I just wasn't "into" it. Too many issues...age, his temper, my unwillingness to try harder to make it work, me not being able to get over my ex like I should. Can't have another relationship with someone when you're still hung up on your ex.

The ex........

My ex...such a stressful situation. I still love him and would love for things to just go back to the way they were before he left me for someone else. He wants me back..so why can't it be that easy? I don't trust him, he doesn't trust me. I guess that's the main issue. Plus he said he was unhappy last August when he left and that we had nothing in common. Now he's happy and we have something in common?? I'm sooo confused. I wish I knew exactly what to do. I talk to some other guys that I made friends with during the 6 months that he was with HER and he asked me yesterday if I was "just keeping my options open." I told him yes I was. I was just being honest. I told him that it was hard to forget things that he said to me and also things he said to HER either about me or just telling her shit like "you're the best friend I ever had," "you're the best thing that ever happened to me," etc. How do I get past those words? I really don't know how. So he cries a lot...which is hard to see. I don't mean to hurt him. I told him last night that I cried A LOT when he was gone and that he didn't want to deal with it, so he just avoided me. Wouldn't take my calls (if he did, he would just let me rant and not really listen), wouldn't text me back if I said I loved him or I missed him. He just didn't want to deal with me and my emotions. Didn't really give a crap at all. He's sorry for all of that and that's cool. But it doesn't change how he made me feel..how much it hurt. So now that I feel "guilty" for making him feel bad, it pisses me off. Why should I feel bad??? But I do and that's just the way it is. I'm tired all the time, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope MOST of the time, that there is no point to anything. I hate feeling like that. I really don't know what to do anymore. I told him I keep my options open for when he changes his mind again. He says he won't...but I don't believe that right now.

Rainy days and Saturdays?

OK, I couldn't figure out a better headline for today...so paying my respects to "The Carpenters.":) I don't feel good today. I've had a cough since the middle of April. Sometimes it hurts to breathe deep. Just can't afford a doctor, but if it gets worse, I may have to go.

It's cold, cloudy and rainy out today. I love this kind of weather!!:) It's not too cold and I LOVE the rain!

I'm hungry, but am having a hard time deciding on what I want to eat that is low carb. May have to run by Safeway and see what I can find, before I decide to go on a binge that I will regret.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Money woes...

I never seem to have enough money for anything...but, then again, I know that a lot of other people don't either. It's just hard sometimes. I get overwhelmed. Had to get my ignition fixed the other day in my jeep and it was $160! I don't have that kind of money to spend, but what am I supposed to do? I need a vehicle.

I've been out of my prescription for "water pills" for a couple of days now..hopefully it will be in today. When that happens, I usually gain between 2-5 lbs. of water weight (at least). I was afraid to weigh today, but did anyway and it was good...if I did gain a few pounds in water weight..then I SHOULD BE almost below 310! That would be cool. I'm tired today and have no idea why. So may be taking a nap soon (like my kids will let THAT happen!!)LOL

Carbs are my downfall....

I've been doing low carb again for 6 days now...it's hard. I lost 8 lbs. in 4 days and was soooo excited! Then I weighed today and I gained 2 lbs!!:( I did eat a few frozen strawberries, blueberries, rasberries (the ones that come in a bag) last night...maybe that totally threw it off. I don't know. Other than that, I have been good about not having any carbs. It's just disappointing. Low carb is hard enough for me and when I don't see results, it's even harder.:( I'll just keep hanging in there and hope Fridays' weigh-in goes a bit better.

Hello All!

Well...on the diet front...I'm not using BioSlim anymore. It costs $80 a month and I was on it for 2 months...didn't lose anything. Didn't gain either, which is a plus..but time to move on from that. I had gotten back up to 321 and that was totally unacceptabe. Now am back at 313. I haven't been walking as much as I should, but on June 3rd, I started low carb again (I had done it a few years ago). I retain a of water for some reason...so within 4 days, I have lost 8 lbs!! Yes mostly water weight, but I'll take it.:) I've also been drinking A LOT of water. I miss sugar like you wouldn't believe, but so far am hanging in there. I drink diet Dr. Pepper if I need some carbonation. I don't like the aftertaste of most sodas, but that one isn't too bad.

As for the depression...it is still lurking about. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day and do nothing. I also want to eat carbs and sugar...so am really fighting against that. It's not easy. Eating has always been my comfort. Not easy to find something else to fill that void.

Jayson (the young'un) and I are pretty much done. We had a pretty big fight yesterday. I must admit that I have backed way off and don't call or text him as much and he's been hurt and upset by this. I never meant for that to happen. So yesterday on the phone, he called me a: bitch, slut AND a dumb ass. I felt that was enough of that BS. I don't need that kind of crap in my life. I was so pissed off, that I hung up on him. He told me to remember that I'm the one who hung up and pretty much don't come running to him if I'm lonely or need someone to talk to. I haven't talked to him since, but he's called and texted a few times. I just hope he doesn't show up here.:(

Dave (ex) and I have been hanging out some. We went to a metaphyscial fair yesterday and had our auras read...individually and as a "couple." It shows that were both spiritual and that we're very compatible...must me something wrong with their machine!LOL JK. We have been getting along, but I'm not ready to get back together. I'm good with how things are.

I went to Job Corps in Montana from July 1989-February 1990. I had my first boyfriend there...Bruce. He's a few years younger than me. We have kept in touch off and on over the years. He has been texting and calling a lot the past week or so. He's having problems with his marriage as well and just needs someone to talk to. We could always talk to each other. He lives in Alaska now. It's been nice being able to talk to him. I wish that things were better in his life right now, but I'm sure he'll be OK.

Not too bad...

I have been taking exercise a bit more seriously now. I have been taking BioSlim since April 2nd and it really helps with the whole appetite thing. BUT I really haven't been exercising...yes have been very lazy. But the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to walk for at least 20 minutes a day (hey it's a start!!)LOL Well starting on the 20th, I have been going for AT LEAST 25 minutes and have gotten up to 45 minutes a day or two even. Believe me, that's an accomplishment for me. Now I just have to be a LITTLE better about what I eat and it'll all be good. My downfall is Mt. Dew, but have cut back on it some. At my heaviest, I was about 350. Now I'm 316 on the doctor's scale...but on MY scale, I'm 311 and I like that MUCH better!!:) I'm hoping to be below 300 on the doctors' scale by the middle of June and then will go from there. One of my best friends is getting married in Vegas in July and I'm flying out for it!:) I'm soo excited!! BUT I worry about not being able to fit into the airplane seats and being escorted off the plane, because I'm too damn fat! Would that be embarrassing or what?? Plus I want to be able to wear some nice clothes out there. Not sure how much I would like to weigh by then...maybe at least be down to 285? We shall see. Tomorrow I start eating not so much and drinking A LOT more water.

A point has been made....

OK, one of my readers HAS made a valid point. How can I expect Dave to be faithful and monogamous, when I'm not? I have explained this to him numerous times...that I don't know if I can be faithful or even want to at this point. I DO love him, make no mistake about that, but there are exciting things to do out there and cool people to meet, that you can't do or meet if you are tied down. If I KNEW for sure that I could be with just Dave again for the long haul, then I would do that in a heartbeat. But I just don't know anymore. He says he won't give up..which is up to him. But while he's not giving up, I have to live my life and figure out what I want to do and what is best for my kids. Yes having their dad around all the time would be great for them...but if he decides AGAIN he wants to leave...then that will hurt them even more. Am I willing to take that chance? Not really. I have never brought any guys around my kids and I don't plan on doing that any time in the near future. I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself, but HE'S the one that left ME...not the other way around. He can't just expect to come back and everything be great, just because HE has decided that that's what he wants NOW. I have never been truly on my own and now I'm just going with the flow. If and when I decide to get back with Dave for the long haul, then I will let you know. Until then, I will keep blogging, knowing that some of the things that I say and do won't make everyone happy. But then again, I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy. As long as my kids are OK and all, then I should be trying to make MYSELF happy.

On a brighter note...Matthew graduated from Kindergarten last night!!:) Very hard to believe. He looked very cute and did really well.:) A lot of people there and very warm!!! But everyone had a good time. Today is the last day of school for the older two! The year has gone by fast.

The weekend went OK as well. The boys had fun bowling and we had a nice time as a family. Played miniature golf, went swimming..it was nice. I have sucked at my diet and need to get back on track. I weigh tomorrow...so we shall see.

Hope everyone is having a great week!:)

I'm an idiot!!!

OK, maybe that's a little strong...but I feel like one. But I have good news first!!:) I have lost 6 lbs...for a total of 25 lbs since I started trying last August!! I could have lost A LOT more, but I haven't been consistent.:( I've started walking again and trying to drink more water instead of Mt. Dew. I still have a long ways to go, but I'll get there.

Not for the sucky news. OK, now some people may see me as "snoopy" but really I'm not. If the opportunity presents itself....OK, my ex...Dave...has been trying to get me back since February as some of you know. He broke up with the "other woman" in February and said he would have nothing more to do with her...no contact of any kind. I told him that was "mandatory" if we even had a slight chance of getting back together. He has been asking who I'm talking to etc, and bugging the hell out of me about it basically. Making me feel guilty for wanting to spend some time with Jayson. Anyway...I had asked him numerous times if he had heard from her...if he had been texting her or anything and he said that she sends him forwards sometimes, but that he never responds. So I basically took him at his word. I would ask him if he missed her at all and he would say no. OK that's all well and good. Today I was at my sister-in-law's (where he lives). He was at work and I was there, because my youngest son wanted to play the X-Box. So I decided to get on her computer...which I never do anymore, but wanted to get on Facebook and all for a bit. I went to yahoo to check my mail and HIS page came up. Well, I HAD to know. I really thought that I wouldn't find anything. Well he e-mailed her on April 25th saying that he was sorry for being such an ass, sorry that he hadn't answered her texts, that there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't think about her, that he misses her and that she will always be in his heart!! WTF?????!!!! Of course, I copied the damn things. Oh, she had sent him a few back saying that she was SOOO happy to hear from him, because she had a big hole in her life (amongst other places I'm sure) because she had lost her best friend...poor, poor ho. Yes, I know I'm not being nice. Telling him that he shouldn't trade his happiness just to make the kids happy, etc. Saying that she wouldn't tell me anything that they were talking again...so he HAD to have asked her not to. Well now he's a mess. Saying he's sorry, that he knows he fucked up again, that he will have NO MORE contact with her at all. He said it didn't mean anything, that it was just a "friend" thing. He just doesn't get it!! This is the woman he left me for! He can't be friends with her!!! So I told him that he blew it big this time, that he needs to stay away from me, that it's OVER. Well he won't accept that. He cried and begged. I was proud of myself for being "cold." I DO love him, but how many times can he break my heart? This was a trial period to see if I could trust him again. I was going to give him 6 months to prove to me that he could be trusted and he blows it in 2 1/2?? He says that he loves ME, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that he wants it the way it was. The thing is, we had been getting along so well. Playing Yahtzee like we used to, going for walks, laughing etc. Yet he was going to continue to lie to me! If I wouldn't have found those e-mails, he would never have told me he was still talking to her. I would have went on my merry way thinking everything was great, while she was laughing behind my back! It pisses me off sooo bad!!! Another bad thing (well there are a couple)...is the boys have a bowling tournament in Colorado Springs this weekend. We're leaving in the morning and coming back on Monday. Dave and I were getting along, so we're driving down together and already have a room with the boys!!! Holy crap!! How much can I take?? So now have to act happy for the boys' sake and I WILL do that. I told Dave after this weekend, he needs to back off. That I won't answer his phone calls, texts, etc. That if she is worth losing everything over, then go for it. I told him that while we are in Colorado Spgs. that one kid can sleep with me and the other with him and one on the rollaway bed.

OK, here is more...don't know if I mentioned it before or not. My middle sister and I have always been pretty close. I love her dearly. She knows how much Dave hurt me, etc. I talked to her about it! I found out last week that they have been texting each other (so supposedly he can get me back and maybe she has some advice on how to do that). Do I think they'll hook up...probably not, but that's NOT the point. I see it as a betrayal. It was behind my back. I had no clue. Well today I sent her a text and wasn't very nice. I apologized and said I was just upset with Dave and told her what he did. She tells me that she's not going to argue about it, because he's her friend too!!!! WHATEVER!!! So needless to say, I won't be talking to her anytime soon. I thought I was past this drama, but obviously not. I'm hurt and I'm pissed off.

Men are difficult

OK, maybe not ALL men, but the ones in my life are. The 22 year old that I have been "kinda" seeing since the end of January...well he lives 2 hours from me. We haven't seen each other since the end of March. Life has just been crazy and then, of course, my ex makes me feel guilty for even talking to the guy. Anyway, Jayson
(22 year old) texts me every day or calls me...without fail. I'll admit that sometimes, he is really insecure and that annoys me. We have our issues. I'm insecure at times too though, so I can understand it. He was living with his parents, but is now living with roommates. Now that he is, things have changed some..he doesn't text as much or call as much. If he does, he's contantly talking to the guys in the background. This from a guy who wants me to marry him, for me and the boys to move in with him!! So anyway, what I'm getting at, is he went out last night and I don't have a problem with that. He smokes weed and all but last night him and his friends went to the bar and drank too. He said he would text or call when he got home. He didn't. So I texted him at like 4 this morning and he called me and said he was sorry, that he just went home and crashed. So I texted him a few times today and NOTHING. It was sooo unlike him to not even answer the texts or anything. So, me being me, expected the worst. He finally calls at like 10 tonight and says that he's sorry that his phone was dead and he didn't have the charger with him. I just asked if he was lying and he got pissed off and I told him to get rid of the attitude. He told me to quit telling him what to do, that I'm not his mother, etc. Yet he feels that he can talk to me any way he wants. He would've been pissed off too if it was the other way around. So he told me to call him and I tried and he didn't answer. Texts me and says his phone is being weird and it's not letting him get the calls and he can't call out. OK, whatever. I know that this won't work in the long run, but I really do care about him and don't want him out of my life.

As for the ex...it's like I've fallen back into my old life and I'm not too happy about it.:( Yes I love him, but where I was sure that we were meant to be together before, I'm not so sure now. There are other guys out there that I may want to see. That's why I can't commit fully to anyone. Maybe I can't ever again? I have no idea. I was faithful to ex for over 11 years. I don't know what the hell to do anymore.

Confusing life...

Well as far as my ex in concerned, he thinks that we are back together. He has situated himself in my life like nothing ever happened. It bugs the hell out of me. But who I am to hurt him, right? I tell him that I'm not ready to commit to him at this point in time. That upsets him, because he doesn't want me seeing anyone else. But that's not up to him. He texts all the time and wants to know why I don't text him back sometimes. If he texts "I love you' and I don't text it back, he wants to know why. He wants to know who I'm talking to, etc. God forbid I ever want to go out of town on my own now. If I do, I will just go and leave him a text!! Otherwise I feel guilty after he gets all upset and teary-eyed. Yes we're having sex....hate to admit that, but he's very persistent. Not like he ever took no for an answer before. No it's not that he rapes me or forces me, but he just does it. Does that even make sense?? I do love him and I don't want to lead him on. I keep telling him the way it is, but he just wants to see it his way. He wants his family back. He just has to realize that it's not that easy. Other guys show interest in me from time to time and I want to be able to go out and have fun. I don't want someone always looking over my shoulder. He comes over in the evenings and then stays until like 11...I tell him that he has to go because I'm tired and he says it's just because I want to talk to my "boyfriend." Whatever. I'm so stressed out about all of it. The depression is coming back and I don't feel like getting out of bed before like noon. I get the boys off to school in the mornings and then go back to bed. I just don't feel like dealing with all the craziness. I don't want to hurt him like he hurt me. Dumb, right?

As for the weight loss...I've been on BioSlim for over a month now and haven't lost anything, but haven't gained either. I've lost a few inches. I've started exercising more...at least walking and trying to drink more water, so hopefully that will help. One of my best friends is getting married in Vegas in July and I'm going for that. So I want to lose AT LEAST 20-30 lbs. before July 13th..when I would fly out. I don't want to have to worry about fitting in the seats on the plane. It would be mortifying not to be able to fit into one of their seats and be asked to leave the plane!!:( Ex wanted to know how many days I would be gone...I told him probably fly out the 13th, wedding is the 14th and come back the 15th or 16th. He wants me back the 15th. He seems to think that I have to ask him for permission like we're still together. Grrrrrr.....

Some nerve...

Where does he get the nerve to tell me who I can and can't talk to, write to, etc.?? Honestly, it's getting to be like it was before he left. Asking who I'm e-mailing, talking on the phone to...I understand he wants it all back...but it's just not that easy. I DO miss him and I like hanging out with him. BUT I'm also OK with where I am in my life right now. I lived with him for 12 years and have now lived with just my kids and I for he past 8 1/2 months...I can't imagine living with him again. Things change. Honestly, I can't see myself living with anyone else again.LOL I can clean my house, read, watch TV, go places, etc. when I want to. I don't have to ask permission or feel guilty doing the things that I like to do. I go to Bingo on Wednesday nights and now instead of keeping the boys at his sisters' (where he lives), he brings them to the house. Which I don't have a problem with. What I have a problem with is if I have things laying around the house..he'll read whatever or even this computer. I don't mind him using it, but I have to delete the history or he will read this blog! He HAS to quit being so nosey. I'm kinda seeing this guy named Jayson..I may have told you already. Well he will text me sometimes when Dave is around and I will ignore it until later, but Dave always has some snide remark to make. At least I don't just keep texting with him right in front of Dave! He did that with me and the woman he left me for!! I don't even really know what to do about Jayson. I do love him, but he wants me to move in with him in Colorado Springs and I just don't see that happening. I have primary custody of the kids and I don't want them going to a city school. Besides that, Jayson couldn't live here in this small town either...well maybe if he had his own place...but he wants to live in the house with me. That wouldn't go over well at all. Dave pays the mortgage and I just feel that gives him some right to say who lives here. Am I wrong? I don't know. I figure that when the boys are older, then I can start doing things for myself...what I want to do, etc. For now, it's about them and I don't have a problem with that. That's the way it should be. I love my boys and will do my best to give them a happy life. I just hope I'm not messing it all up by not going right back to their dad.

Separated....

Well today made it "official." We are now legally separated...is that like purgatory? Not in Heaven or Hell? Not married, but not divorced either? Who knows. I just know that it's a sad thing. If we want a divorce, we now have to wait 6 months...a lot can change in those 6 months. He is a lot more upset about this than I am. I mean, I'm upset, but I guess I went thru the majority of the pain before when he first left and everything. Now he has to go thru it, I guess. Though he brought on this pain himself. I wouldn't have filed on my own. He was pushing it and so that's that. I'm going to start trying to find a relationship counselor tomorrow. I don't know if that will help us, but might as well try. The way things are now...he just annoys me some. He would move back in right now if I let him.

As for Jayson...I was supposed to go see him tomorrow...but I've been sick the past couple of days and don't feel like it would be any fun being there if I feel like crap. But, of course, he takes it personal. Says he must not be doing something "right." I'm like whatever. Plus my kids are all sick now and will be dealing with that for at least a couple of days. They come first and he says he understands that, but he sure as hell doesn't act like it at times. I think that I rushed into this relationship too fast. I'm pretty much in limbo right now where my personal life is concerned.

My grandmas' funeral was "nice" as far a funerals go. A lot of relatives that I haven't seen for a long time were there and it was awesome to see them! I hope that we can keep in touch more instead of just seeing each other at funerals. So depressing.

Weight is about the same. As crappy as I feel right now, I don't feel like eating anyhow.

OK...more to say

I thought that I was done talking for the day...but I'm just having a really hard time dealing with things. I have no motivation. My house is a mess and I just don't care. Well I care, but not enough to get off my fat ass to do anything about it. I'm negative a lot of the time. I don't LIKE being that way, but right now can't seem to "snap out" of it.

I have lost 21 lbs. since last August and a total of like 33 lbs down from my highest. I try to watch my carbs, but that's really hard for me to do....love Mt. Dew, bread, french fries, etc. So I'm not THAT strict about it. One of my friends started using a drink called "BioSlim" at the end of January and he's lost almost 50 lbs. You mix the powder with 8-10 oz of water, juice or skim milk before two of your meals a day. It doesn't taste bad at all..especially with the milk. I bought some and started it on April 2nd. A lot of people have amazing results right away, but in the pound department, I haven't done so great. Inches...I may have. I just started measuring myself a few days ago. My pants are looser and that is awesome. Last August..I couldn't buy jeans from Wal-Mart anymore. They didn't make them big enough..though they went to like a 52. I had to go to "the city" and go to a fat girl store. Now I can fit into a 50 from Wal-Mart and they are getting baggy. I can get a 48 over my hips, but not around totally yet. So I'm getting there...I just don't have a lot of patience. I was walking a lot during November, December and January. Now I have been LAZY. It's nicer out now and I need to get with it and walk some more. I need to quit making excuses not to do things. Depression can really kick your ass. Wish me luck.

Endings.....

My grandma died on the 7th.:( Her graveside services are tomorrow. She was 90 and was my dads' mom. I will miss her. I wasn't as close to her as I was to my other grandma, but I still have fond memories of her. I love her and it does hurt. I wasn't able to see her the day she died and that kind of upsets me now. I didn't realize the reason or find out the reason, until later. My aunt (her daughter) and her grandson was living with her at the time. The grandson is like 50, I believe or somewhere in there. Anyway, I had my 6 year old son, Matthew, with me. My aunt opened the door and she wasn't rude or anything, but she said that Matthew couldn't come in. I thought it was because she didn't want him to see grandma that way. So I said I would try to come back later. I wasn't able to and grandma died that night.:( I later found out that the reason Matthew couldn't go in, because my cousin (the grandson) was there and he's a registered sex offender. I knew this, but I'm pretty sure that my kids have been around him before when they were with me. I just think it sucks that he couldn't go in the other room for a few friggin' minutes. So I guess I am a little angry about that. Him and is brother molested me when I was little and I still have issues with that. At least they never raped me, but other things are bad as well. I have never confronted them about it and nobody knew for the longest time. Anyway!

I really hope that there IS a Heaven and that she's there now with my grandpa (he's been gone for 33 years) and my dad who has been gone for 9 years.

Then Dave and I have court on Thursday the 15th. We will then be legally separated. That makes me sad too. A LOT of things can change from one year to the next for sure.

Another day....

I told him on Easter that I just couldn't get past some things and he cried and knew that he had royally messed everything up. I don't know if we can get back to anything resembling a marriage, but he agreed to go to counseling if I find a counselor. So I guess that's something. I really don't know what to do anymore, but at least with the counseling, we can talk things out with someone on the "outside" of it all and see how it goes from there. If it doesn't work, at least we can't say we didn't try.

I had started seeing a guy in Colorado Springs (2 hours away) at the end of January...so this is a stressful situation. I think that the ex thought that I wouldn't ever find someone else? I don't know. But it seems like this all started after I started seeing Jayson. Jayson is a lot younger than I am, but he wants the relationship a lot. I've been down to see him a few times and he came up here one weekend....Dave (ex) was pissed about that. I know that even if we're not together, that he wouldn't let me have a relationship with another guy for any length of time. But I don't know how to let Jayson go either. I really like him and he feels the same about me. I don't want to hurt him, but that's what may happen in the end. It makes me sick to hurt people. Especially ones that I care about. I told Jayson that we could go slow and see how things are going with everything, but that I wasn't going to bring my kids around him right now. He says that I'm not putting enough effort into the relationship. It's a lot of pressure. I don't really know what to do. Just trying to work things out.

I had asked Dave in September if there was any possiblity that he would come back to me and he said "sorry, I don't think so." Said that we didn't have anything in common, that we were both unhappy, etc. I can't just forget those things. Plus the way he treated me...not calling or texting...unless it was about the kids...didn't want to talk about my feelings, money or anything like that. He pretty much told me that I needed to get over it and that I needed "help." Not only that, but the woman he was with..I saw some e-mails from him to her and he said that she was the "best thing that ever happened to him," that she was "the best friend I ever had." He's sorry that he said those things, of course, but the fact is he said them. He complained about me to her and that bothers the hell out of me too. I don't know what was all said and he won't tell me. I could contact her and be a bitch and she might be mad and hurt enough from him to tell me things, but I don't feel that's a good idea. Why bring up even more crap for me to deal with? I have never trusted anyone like I trusted him and he totally broke my heart and I doubt that I will ever totally be able to trust someone again and that pisses me off. My health hasn't been the best for awhile...especially when I'm under stress...so the past 8 months have kicked my butt. But where once I thought that he would be there for me when I was sick...now he SAYS he will, but I feel that me not feeling good is a burden and I just don't want to depend on him anymore. What a mess.

Crazy days

I haven't written in here for months once again..I sooo suck at this!LOL A lot has changed since I last wrote. In January, he was still planning on moving to Denver. We finished filing the last of the legal separation papers on Feb. 18th and found out how much child support would be and all. Around Feb. 20th..he had a "change of heart," knows he fucked up, missed me, etc. He said the finality of it all finally hit him. He broke up with her on the 25th of that month and has been trying to get me back since then. I thought it would be so easy to just take him back. Within the first 3 months of him leaving, I probably would have taken him back in a heartbeat. But why did it take him so damn long to come to this conclusion? Plus he treated me so cold and everything all those months. I can't get past all of that yet. Don't know if I ever can. So I'm just living day to day and trying to figure it all out. I will write more soon.