BEING SAD......

The last couple of days have been hard for me.:( Don't really know why. Have cried some...haven't done that for awhile. Just sad about a bunch of things really. Being alone is the main one I think. Dave (ex) told me on the phone the other night that I sounded really depressed and maybe I should get some "help." I'm like, excuse me, but you know that I don't like being alone...I also reminded him that HE doesn't like to be alone either and that he wouldn't have left me if he didn't have someone else lined up already. He pretty much agreed with me. I told him that it wasn't his concern anymore. He told me that I have to love myself before anyone else can love me. Is he Dr. Phil now?LOL I know that I have to love myself and I do to an extent..but I'm not always easy to live with!! Guess he figured that out as well.:(

Went to Colorado Springs last weekend with mom and Duke Christmas shopping. I think I got all the things I needed! This time of year is crazy! I still don't have my cards sent out. Just got the family pics done on the 9th. My niece, Justine, took them. I think they turned out OK...not bad at all. Hopefully will get them all sent out this week. Can't believe that next weekend is Christmas already!!

The diet pills (Fastin) seem to be working..I'm rarely hungry (could all be in my head) and don't eat that much. I got down to 310 the other day..not sure what I am now. It's pretty sad when you're happy to be down to 310!LOL

Now on to the guy situation. There will always be a situation where guys are concerned.:( At least with me.

Mike K....he hasn't been texting me back, hasn't been calling, etc. Has really hurt me. I mean he starts out all gung ho..sending me gifts, calling me constantly, etc..then nothing. Wouldn't tell me why. Well he called last night (actually really early this morning) and he had been drinking some..which was good for me since I was able to find out what is going on with him. He's totally confused. He doesn't know what the hell he wants. Like I said, he is still married and lives in the same house as his wife though they are separated. She treats him like crap, because she doesn't want to be with him and doesn't want to deal with their 3 kids. He's like 11 years older than her and got married when she was 18. She's 28 now and I think she's figuring out that she lost out on a lot of things. Not an excuse, but that's what I see happening. He wants to keep his family together as much as possible for the kids' sake. I can understand that. But get this, he had backed off, because I was getting to serious..that I was coming on "too strong." I'm like REALLY??!! He's the one who was sending me gifts and getting all serious first. So I felt it was OK for me to do so to an extent as well..guess not. He said he was sorry that he backed off, but that he got freaked out a bit. He said that he still cares for me and loves me. That's where he's confused and makes ME confused...he says he loves me..but says that I'm too serious. I cried a little bit..don't think he could tell. I told him I was upset because he could have TOLD me this instead of just backing off. He apologized and said that he wants to get back to the way it was in the beginning. Us talking, etc. Do I believe him? I believe that he may want to get back to that..but do I think he will? No not really. I told him that I would back off..that he could text me if he wanted to talk to me, but I wouldn't be texting him first. He said he didn't want that, that I could still talk to him. I'm like WTH?? I care about him a lot..but I don't know how I'm supposed to even act now. He tells me that one of his good female friends now says she's in love with him and that he's not interested in her. Doesn't want me thinking that he's up there screwing around, because he's not. That him and his wife haven't done anything in a long time. Why is he even concerned what I think about that? He says that if I find something better here, that he doesn't want me to lose out on that because of him, but that he would like me to give us a chance...I'm like I don't know what the hell is going on in his head. Tells me he loves me before he hangs up..I didn't say it back. Then texts me "I love you please let me prove it xoxo." I just responded "OK."

Sean B...had an argument with him the other night. It's "all good" now. I know that he loves me, but not sure how I feel about him It's like he never wants to meet me in person. Says that we can in February in Colorado Springs because a sci-fi convention is there. Ummmm...OK. I don't even like sci-fi. He will go to Colorado Springs for that (and will see me then), but won't go just to see me. Makes a whole lot of sense. Plus when he gets mad, he likes to call names...and they aren't nice names.

Greg S...he's still cool and we text. Not as much as we did, but still quite a bit. I don't think he knows what he wants either, but at least he's been divorced for awhile and has his own place. More than I can say for most of them. We will see how it goes..but I will just let him take the lead. I'm not putting myself out there anymore. If a guy is interested in me..he can prove it. I'm done trying.

Mark S...yep a new one...well he's not even in the picture really. About a year ago, I had responded to his ad on Craiglist..he was alone for the Holidays and wanted someone to hang out with. Well my e-mail had gotten lost..or he just didn't see it. He was cleaning his e-mail out the other day and found my message, so he asked if the offer was still open for this year..since he still didn't have anyone to hang out with. He's 29, in the Army, is Asian. So I said it would be cool to meet him. Did that last weekend while I was in Colorado Springs. He's a hottie for sure. Things happened...anyway, he said that he would still like to come up for Christmas. He texted briefly after we saw each other, but hasn't answered my texts in a couple of days. I'm such an idiot. But I tend to live in the moment and that's not always a good thing. Anyway, that's on him. If he wants to spend the Holidays by himself or whatever, that's on him.

Louie...I have gone over there a couple of times now. Stayed the night one night so we could watch a movie. It was interesting. I slept in the same bed as him..he needs it warm in his room, since he's small and doesn't have much fat on him to keep him warm. I find it hard to sleep when it's too hot. We talked some..he's still having a hard time missing his ex. He will for awhile..believe me, I know. He's cool to hang out with. Anyway, a CNA comes in and gets him into bed at night and then up again in the mornings. During the night, he needs to be turned over a couple of times. His niece usually does it, but he told me how to do it that night, so I did..but was really afraid of hurting him. He said I needed to get over that and that I wouldn't hurt him. He was born with..I can't remember what he said it was called...but his muscles stopped growing at a certain point when he was younger and that they will just get weaker as he gets older. He can't go anywhere in the Winter really, so he's having a hard time with that, plus going thru a break up. So I go over and hang out. It's funny because he used to be really good friends with my ex back in high school and even later.

Speaking of my ex...he texted me this morning "Hi sweetheart. I'm headed to work. I love you." I texted back "Wrong person, but thanks." LOL He didn't say anything back. He really needs to watch which person he's sending texts too.LOL That, of course, was meant for Gracie.

I'm supposed to go to lunch with my friend Joannie today..she knows how down I've been. I don't know what I'm going to do without her when she eventually moves to N. Dakota.:( She has been there thru all of this crap the past couple of years. I should stay home and clean...get cards ready, etc. I'm just sooo not in the mood. I need to snap out of this and fast. I AM a worthwhile person. I just have to convince myself of that.