Well home today. Need to get back to reality and deal with it all. May call the mental health place again and just tell them that I need some help, but that I can't pay. I don't know.
Well...didn't go see Frank last night. He texted me about 9:30pm and told me to come over, that he was on the way home from the party. He was drunk...can you believe that? Anyhow...I told him that I couldn't see that well after dark and he told me to quit being silly, but I told him that I really couldn't and that I could see him this morning before I left. Well he texted me this morning and told me that I'm a good person, but he's done with our friendship, that he has to do what's best for him. I'm tired of people leaving. Anyway, I texted back and told him that I would miss him, that he was one of the best friends I ever had. He never texted me back. So that's that. Then Darren...he sent me an e-mail yesterday saying that he might have a few minutes to come by this morning, but don't count on it. Why even bother to say that?? So 3 people are out of my life this weekend...Steve, Frank and Darren. I will miss Frank the most, then Darren. Steve...well he can kiss my ass.
Ken came by at 10:00pm last night and stayed until about 1:15am. It was nice. He brought massage oil and gave me a massage!! Then he gave me $40 towards the room...wow!!! He didn't have to do that, but that's soooo cool that he did. It was nice...I like talking to him, cuddling with him, etc. He is on his way to San Diego for business today. Won't be back from there until Wednesday. He has a busy month ahead. So I really don't plan on seeing him or Tom anytime in June. Maybe July or August.
I feel like I"m going to freak out...the money situation is bad. Maybe I should just become a real whore and start charging. I'm only half joking.
.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Too easy...
Some guys...it would be too easy to fall in love with, I think. Anyway, drove to Denver yesterday and got myself lost again..lol. I could get lost inside a box. Anyhow, found the hotel. Then Dave wasn't too far behind me. We went to a nearby Wal-Mart to get Dave some shoes...forgot to pack his. He wore his work boots up here..he's so silly.
Has problems with the credit cards when I got here...such idiots. Luckily I had enough cash. Then today, I was able to use one of the cards. So embarrassing though. I figure when we get home, there will be no money left for bills or anything else. It will be the 2nd month of missing the house payment. I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
Was supposed to meet Steve, BUT he didn't like where I was staying! Wanted me to stay at the Marriott again.....well couldn't afford that. Said he would give me $30, but who is he to dictate to me where to stay?! Said he didn't feel comfortable staying here....La Quinta Inn. What in the hell is that about?? Pretty much said if I didn't stay at the Marriott, then he wouldn't see me. Then he got all nice again. Well I sent him a text saying that I wasn't going to be able to make it up this weekend after all. Just pissed me off. So he sent me a text last night saying that "let's just call it a one night stand and move on with our lives. It's been nice knowing you. Peace." Some crap like that. All this about being friends and us talking..guess it was just bunch of bull. Whatever. I wasn't looking forward to seeing him all that much anyhow. After I saw Tom last week, I wanted to see him again.:)
Got an e-mail from Darren saying that he had family plans today and that he wouldn't be able to meet me for lunch or anything...the way he put it...pretty much dismissed me. So I don't know if I will even try to keep up that "friendship." Right now, it hardly seems worth it.
THEN Frank (my friend in Denver)...well I don't know what his problem is. If I don't text or call him back right away, he gets all weird. Told me he had had enough, that he was taking a break from me, that he was done, etc. That I was "too crazy." WTF??? So then I'm trying to accept that and he texts me back and says after he gets home from the party tonite, that he will text me and maybe we can hang out for awhile...I'm pretty sure I'm not driving anywhere after dark. I don't need to get myself lost again and expect Dave to "save" me. Speaking of Dave, he has texted me some today. But I try not to think about him too much. He's with Gracie and I don't even want to deal with that. He's on the other side of the hotel.
Tom (from Greeley) got here around 6:30pm. We went to dinner at a nice Mexican Restaurant....they had a marachi (sp?) band. It was pretty cool.:) Tom is SOOOOO funny. Makes me laugh a lot. Then we came back to the hotel and had sex and just talked. So nice. Ordered the movie "Twilight." I loved it..now I can see what all the hype is about.:) He fell asleep during it (he had already seen it), but I finished it and then went to bed. Messed around a little this morning and then went to breakfast at a truck stop...usually they have good food...but not so much today.LOL Then just came back here and hung out and watched TV. He slept for a little bit, before heading back to Greeley..about an hour away. Then we went by Taco Bell, got some food and sat in the car and ate it and talked some more. See what I mean about getting too attached? Who knows when I will see him again. I miss hanging out with him. He's a cool person. I know I get too close when I start thinking about who else he is seeing and feeling a bit of jealousy.:( So I need to back off a bit.
Sorry to move around so much like that..I tend to write things down as I think of them.
Ken is supposed to be coming by later tonight. Not sure what time. He had to work for awhile. It's like 7:45pm now. Probably not until at least 10:00pm. Frank is supposed to call or text around 9:00pm or so. I'm sure he will be pissed that I can't come see him. But he's the one that said I was too crazy and that he was done with me. How does he expect me to feel after that? I want to see Ken, but I miss Tom a bit. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm seeing Ken. Can't dwell on one guy. Tom isn't interested in anything beyond sex and friendship. Which is how it should be.
I don't know how things will turn out with Dave and I. It's just a day to day thing. I know he loves me and I love him. But is that enough? Guess we will just continue on the journey and see how it goes.
Has problems with the credit cards when I got here...such idiots. Luckily I had enough cash. Then today, I was able to use one of the cards. So embarrassing though. I figure when we get home, there will be no money left for bills or anything else. It will be the 2nd month of missing the house payment. I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
Was supposed to meet Steve, BUT he didn't like where I was staying! Wanted me to stay at the Marriott again.....well couldn't afford that. Said he would give me $30, but who is he to dictate to me where to stay?! Said he didn't feel comfortable staying here....La Quinta Inn. What in the hell is that about?? Pretty much said if I didn't stay at the Marriott, then he wouldn't see me. Then he got all nice again. Well I sent him a text saying that I wasn't going to be able to make it up this weekend after all. Just pissed me off. So he sent me a text last night saying that "let's just call it a one night stand and move on with our lives. It's been nice knowing you. Peace." Some crap like that. All this about being friends and us talking..guess it was just bunch of bull. Whatever. I wasn't looking forward to seeing him all that much anyhow. After I saw Tom last week, I wanted to see him again.:)
Got an e-mail from Darren saying that he had family plans today and that he wouldn't be able to meet me for lunch or anything...the way he put it...pretty much dismissed me. So I don't know if I will even try to keep up that "friendship." Right now, it hardly seems worth it.
THEN Frank (my friend in Denver)...well I don't know what his problem is. If I don't text or call him back right away, he gets all weird. Told me he had had enough, that he was taking a break from me, that he was done, etc. That I was "too crazy." WTF??? So then I'm trying to accept that and he texts me back and says after he gets home from the party tonite, that he will text me and maybe we can hang out for awhile...I'm pretty sure I'm not driving anywhere after dark. I don't need to get myself lost again and expect Dave to "save" me. Speaking of Dave, he has texted me some today. But I try not to think about him too much. He's with Gracie and I don't even want to deal with that. He's on the other side of the hotel.
Tom (from Greeley) got here around 6:30pm. We went to dinner at a nice Mexican Restaurant....they had a marachi (sp?) band. It was pretty cool.:) Tom is SOOOOO funny. Makes me laugh a lot. Then we came back to the hotel and had sex and just talked. So nice. Ordered the movie "Twilight." I loved it..now I can see what all the hype is about.:) He fell asleep during it (he had already seen it), but I finished it and then went to bed. Messed around a little this morning and then went to breakfast at a truck stop...usually they have good food...but not so much today.LOL Then just came back here and hung out and watched TV. He slept for a little bit, before heading back to Greeley..about an hour away. Then we went by Taco Bell, got some food and sat in the car and ate it and talked some more. See what I mean about getting too attached? Who knows when I will see him again. I miss hanging out with him. He's a cool person. I know I get too close when I start thinking about who else he is seeing and feeling a bit of jealousy.:( So I need to back off a bit.
Sorry to move around so much like that..I tend to write things down as I think of them.
Ken is supposed to be coming by later tonight. Not sure what time. He had to work for awhile. It's like 7:45pm now. Probably not until at least 10:00pm. Frank is supposed to call or text around 9:00pm or so. I'm sure he will be pissed that I can't come see him. But he's the one that said I was too crazy and that he was done with me. How does he expect me to feel after that? I want to see Ken, but I miss Tom a bit. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm seeing Ken. Can't dwell on one guy. Tom isn't interested in anything beyond sex and friendship. Which is how it should be.
I don't know how things will turn out with Dave and I. It's just a day to day thing. I know he loves me and I love him. But is that enough? Guess we will just continue on the journey and see how it goes.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Will I Ever....?
I don't think that this big empty space inside of me will ever be filled. Not with happiness, not with fulfillment, not with anything. I don't know what to do to make it go away. Nothing helps. Not food, not sex...haven't tried drugs yet and won't. With my luck, they would kill me the first time.LOL OK, not so funny, but you understand what I'm saying.
I'm SOOOO stressed out. The house is a mess, the kids are loud..fighting all the time...don't listen to me, etc. I'm just sooo over it. Then the panic attacks..well haven't had any for a long time....but that was because I was on anti-depressants. Now that I'm not...well today was the first one I've had in a long time. It wasn't full blown, but it was bad enough...feeling hot inside, numb, out of control, etc. I hate them. Why can't I be happy??? Why can't I not worry about everything under the friggin' sun??? Why can't I just "go with the flow??" Why do I want everyone to like me?? Why am I not happy with the way things are in my life?
OK, whatever, right? I'm sure I just need to chill out, but how to do that?? A guy killed himself here last weekend...only like 27...had been in Iraq...maybe just couldn't deal anymore. It's always in the back of my mind...a release, an escape. But I can't and I won't...I have my kids and I have to not be selfish. Even hubby would miss me. Though I can't be easy to live...he has stood by me. I lucked out on that.
Met Ken on Tuesday (26th). Was really cool. He's a nice guy and I really do like him. We went out to lunch and then went ahead and got a hotel room. Wanted to hang out for a few hours. It was raining and options were limited. OK, some excuse, right?LOL I feel weird writing about some things here now. But will do to some extent anyhow. He's a good kisser. Made me feel good. He actually cared if he pleased me or not. Wow...that is a first...well my husband always makes sure...but as for the other guys...not so much. He told me to "not fake it." Surprisingly, I didn't have to...shock of all shocks. We didn't have actual sex though....for various reasons. He likes to cuddle too, which is good, because so do I. There are certain guys that I have to be careful with..would be easy to fall for them. I plan on seeing him Saturday night again while I'm in Denver. Then not sure when I will see him again. There are other guys a bit closer who want to see me again...but ironically I don't want to see them. Well one or two, but that's it. This is like another addiction for me. It used to be food..now it's sex with random partners. What the hell is my problem??? Do I feel better after I do it? No not usually. Still lonely. Which is really stupid. Have no reason to be lonely.
Then today...Nick wanted to see me. He had to come to town for some other things (he only lives like an hour away). He is one of them that I saw on the 13th. There is nowhere to go around here that is private. If you don't want to get a room, options are pretty limited. SOOO, there is another cemetery nearby that is pretty remote. We went there, talked a little and then had sex....he has a pickup...anyway..interesting to do it outside at a cemetery no doubt. It wasn't bad. Wish we had more time and all.
I'm SOOOO stressed out. The house is a mess, the kids are loud..fighting all the time...don't listen to me, etc. I'm just sooo over it. Then the panic attacks..well haven't had any for a long time....but that was because I was on anti-depressants. Now that I'm not...well today was the first one I've had in a long time. It wasn't full blown, but it was bad enough...feeling hot inside, numb, out of control, etc. I hate them. Why can't I be happy??? Why can't I not worry about everything under the friggin' sun??? Why can't I just "go with the flow??" Why do I want everyone to like me?? Why am I not happy with the way things are in my life?
OK, whatever, right? I'm sure I just need to chill out, but how to do that?? A guy killed himself here last weekend...only like 27...had been in Iraq...maybe just couldn't deal anymore. It's always in the back of my mind...a release, an escape. But I can't and I won't...I have my kids and I have to not be selfish. Even hubby would miss me. Though I can't be easy to live...he has stood by me. I lucked out on that.
Met Ken on Tuesday (26th). Was really cool. He's a nice guy and I really do like him. We went out to lunch and then went ahead and got a hotel room. Wanted to hang out for a few hours. It was raining and options were limited. OK, some excuse, right?LOL I feel weird writing about some things here now. But will do to some extent anyhow. He's a good kisser. Made me feel good. He actually cared if he pleased me or not. Wow...that is a first...well my husband always makes sure...but as for the other guys...not so much. He told me to "not fake it." Surprisingly, I didn't have to...shock of all shocks. We didn't have actual sex though....for various reasons. He likes to cuddle too, which is good, because so do I. There are certain guys that I have to be careful with..would be easy to fall for them. I plan on seeing him Saturday night again while I'm in Denver. Then not sure when I will see him again. There are other guys a bit closer who want to see me again...but ironically I don't want to see them. Well one or two, but that's it. This is like another addiction for me. It used to be food..now it's sex with random partners. What the hell is my problem??? Do I feel better after I do it? No not usually. Still lonely. Which is really stupid. Have no reason to be lonely.
Then today...Nick wanted to see me. He had to come to town for some other things (he only lives like an hour away). He is one of them that I saw on the 13th. There is nowhere to go around here that is private. If you don't want to get a room, options are pretty limited. SOOO, there is another cemetery nearby that is pretty remote. We went there, talked a little and then had sex....he has a pickup...anyway..interesting to do it outside at a cemetery no doubt. It wasn't bad. Wish we had more time and all.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Monday afternoon
OK...I forgot to mention yesterday that I have heard from Darren. Just a couple of times, but he was sweet and says he misses me too. Just hope he gets over his feelings of depression or whatever soon so that he will talk to me more. I know, I can be quite selfish. LOL THEN I was thinking that this coming weekend was Memorial Day Weekend..not this one. So when I said we were going to Denver over Memorial Day weekend, I was wrong.:)
Ken has been texting and calling me.:) I love hearing from him. He is on his way home today. Then I will see him tomorrow..or that is the plan. He is worried that once we meet in person, that I won't like him. I just hope that we both live up the each others "standards" or whatever. I really like him as a person. I look forward to this weekend. It will be nice to just get away and forget about things for awhile.
Still haven't gotten the refund back on my credit card yet and, of course, they are closed today. We need some money. Just stressed. I was really depressed yesterday, so just tried to be by myself some. Read a little. I just have to deal with it on my own at times.
Today is so-so. The house is a mess, I haven't taken a shower yet (it's 2:00pm!). I really need to snap out of it somehow. Just don't feel like doing anything. Someone help me!!
Ken has been texting and calling me.:) I love hearing from him. He is on his way home today. Then I will see him tomorrow..or that is the plan. He is worried that once we meet in person, that I won't like him. I just hope that we both live up the each others "standards" or whatever. I really like him as a person. I look forward to this weekend. It will be nice to just get away and forget about things for awhile.
Still haven't gotten the refund back on my credit card yet and, of course, they are closed today. We need some money. Just stressed. I was really depressed yesterday, so just tried to be by myself some. Read a little. I just have to deal with it on my own at times.
Today is so-so. The house is a mess, I haven't taken a shower yet (it's 2:00pm!). I really need to snap out of it somehow. Just don't feel like doing anything. Someone help me!!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Sunday morning
I'm horrible about writing in this and will have to be better!LOL On May 19th, I drove to Canon City and met a guy from Pueblo...Steve. He's 56...yes beyond what I will now go...but I have been talking to him for awhile and we are good friends. We went to lunch and then to a hotel. He kisses awesome. The thing with older guys...have a hard time keeping it up. But had fun and we both want to see each other again. He's a good guy.
On May 20th, a guy named Tom, from Greeley..drove all the way down here just to see me. He's 39 (a few months younger than me) He got a room and I went over to see him. He was awesome. Kinda on the heavy side, but cute and funny. Had awesome sex and then we drove to Buena Vista for a nice dinner. Can't really have dinner around here since everyone knows everyone. Same up there too..but not as bad. Then we drove back...listened to some Nickelback (who I love) and he even held my hand while we were in the car. So sweet. Good thing he doesn't live closer, might be easy to fall for him. Went back to the hotel and had sex one more time and then I had to leave. Hubby has been pretty understanding about all of this for sure.
Supposed to meet a guy from Gunnison here tomorrow...he's 21! But we will see. I have "met" a guy that I talk a lot too and he actually makes me feel something other than just lust. Treats me really well. Says that when we are together, he'll always help pay...believe me, it's not always that way. His name is Ken and he's from Denver. He's 47. He went to Taos, NM this weekend for a motorcycle thing...it would have been cool to go.:) Him and his friends drive back to Denver tomorrow and then he plans on driving down here on Tuesday to see me! We're not having sex that day..we both have decided that. I'll be in Denver this coming weekend and we will see each other then. So will see how it goes from there. He's married and has been for almost 25 years. His wife was in a car accident about 5 years ago and they haven't been able to have sex since. I think he likes having me in his life and vice versa, because it's new and he says he hasn't felt wanted in a long time. Will have to wait and see how it goes. Then I think I'm just gonna chill out. Not going to try to find any more guys just because I have permission. I have had plenty the past few months and I don't like being with so many guys. I'm hoping to narrow it down to 2-3. I know that sounds weird, but they don't live around here, so I wouldn't see any of them on a regular basis. Dave is going to Denver this weekend too to see the woman he sees...Gracie.
I think more than sex, I just like kissing, hanging out, and just getting to know someone. The sex isn't always all that great. Of course I don't tell them that..lol.
There are a few guys who want to see me again, but I just don't see it happening. I'm not all that attracted, though I like them as people. Frank in Denver, Jeff in Vail and Lee in Pueblo. Just don't know how to tell them that without sounding like a bitch.
On to other things..I was supposed to start seeing a "shrink" on the 19th, but didn't go. I just can't afford $105 every time I go. I know I need some help, but not sure now how to go about that. I cry at the drop of a hat it seems. Irritated easily. Take things too personally, etc. Will just have to learn to deal with it for awhile.
Was supposed to take the kids to see WWE in Colorado Springs on the 26th, but it was cancelled. I think it's BS that they cancelled all 3 Colorado events, just because they couldn't play at the Pepsi Center since the Nuggets are playing there. So I could either mail my tickets in or go to the Springs to get a refund. I drove down Friday to get it, because I don't trust that the tickets would get there and that they would refund the money...it is $250! But it was off my credit card, so they credited it back, but won't show up for a few days.:( We need the money now really. Oh well. Will have to deal with it. The weather was pretty bad when I drove down there, so I just went down and back. It's 2 hours each way.
It's been a cloudy, cool, rainy weekend. I like it really. Just want to stay in bed and sleep. Good sleeping weather!!LOL
On May 20th, a guy named Tom, from Greeley..drove all the way down here just to see me. He's 39 (a few months younger than me) He got a room and I went over to see him. He was awesome. Kinda on the heavy side, but cute and funny. Had awesome sex and then we drove to Buena Vista for a nice dinner. Can't really have dinner around here since everyone knows everyone. Same up there too..but not as bad. Then we drove back...listened to some Nickelback (who I love) and he even held my hand while we were in the car. So sweet. Good thing he doesn't live closer, might be easy to fall for him. Went back to the hotel and had sex one more time and then I had to leave. Hubby has been pretty understanding about all of this for sure.
Supposed to meet a guy from Gunnison here tomorrow...he's 21! But we will see. I have "met" a guy that I talk a lot too and he actually makes me feel something other than just lust. Treats me really well. Says that when we are together, he'll always help pay...believe me, it's not always that way. His name is Ken and he's from Denver. He's 47. He went to Taos, NM this weekend for a motorcycle thing...it would have been cool to go.:) Him and his friends drive back to Denver tomorrow and then he plans on driving down here on Tuesday to see me! We're not having sex that day..we both have decided that. I'll be in Denver this coming weekend and we will see each other then. So will see how it goes from there. He's married and has been for almost 25 years. His wife was in a car accident about 5 years ago and they haven't been able to have sex since. I think he likes having me in his life and vice versa, because it's new and he says he hasn't felt wanted in a long time. Will have to wait and see how it goes. Then I think I'm just gonna chill out. Not going to try to find any more guys just because I have permission. I have had plenty the past few months and I don't like being with so many guys. I'm hoping to narrow it down to 2-3. I know that sounds weird, but they don't live around here, so I wouldn't see any of them on a regular basis. Dave is going to Denver this weekend too to see the woman he sees...Gracie.
I think more than sex, I just like kissing, hanging out, and just getting to know someone. The sex isn't always all that great. Of course I don't tell them that..lol.
There are a few guys who want to see me again, but I just don't see it happening. I'm not all that attracted, though I like them as people. Frank in Denver, Jeff in Vail and Lee in Pueblo. Just don't know how to tell them that without sounding like a bitch.
On to other things..I was supposed to start seeing a "shrink" on the 19th, but didn't go. I just can't afford $105 every time I go. I know I need some help, but not sure now how to go about that. I cry at the drop of a hat it seems. Irritated easily. Take things too personally, etc. Will just have to learn to deal with it for awhile.
Was supposed to take the kids to see WWE in Colorado Springs on the 26th, but it was cancelled. I think it's BS that they cancelled all 3 Colorado events, just because they couldn't play at the Pepsi Center since the Nuggets are playing there. So I could either mail my tickets in or go to the Springs to get a refund. I drove down Friday to get it, because I don't trust that the tickets would get there and that they would refund the money...it is $250! But it was off my credit card, so they credited it back, but won't show up for a few days.:( We need the money now really. Oh well. Will have to deal with it. The weather was pretty bad when I drove down there, so I just went down and back. It's 2 hours each way.
It's been a cloudy, cool, rainy weekend. I like it really. Just want to stay in bed and sleep. Good sleeping weather!!LOL
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Time Marches On
Well the guy I want to hear from...Darren...he has his own problems to deal with and pretty much told me he can't deal with mine too...so whatever. He'll write when "he feels better." So I don't plan on hearing from him for awhile if ever. Then there is Steve...the 25 year old. He's just awesome. We talk a lot on messenger. Dave and I are planning on going to Denver over Memorial Day weekend. Steve wants me there sooner, but I can't. Just no way. But his roommate will be out of town, so I may be able to stay the night there. That would be cool as it would save some money on a hotel room. He tells me I'm beautiful and all...so sweet. I know, don't get too attached. I have decided that I like younger guys a lot more than older. The oldest that I will go now is like 45. Any older...ya know I don't want to have to work that hard.LOL
I'm talking to another 25 year old in Denver now....Ryan. He is soooo cute!!! Very sweet. So we will see. I need to pick one or two and stay with them. I hate choosing anything or making decisions, but I need to. Can't be sleeping with all these people. Though I really can't seem to control myself at the moment. Then there's Ken in Pueblo. Says he will "host" and pay for my gas down there and everything. That I could stay the night and he would take me to dinner, etc. Wow...that's a new thing. THEN there's another guy. I won't say his name because he lives in a small town not too far from me. He's married and all. He's hot and sweet. Decisions, decisions. I never had this "problem" before. I wasn't popular when I was younger. I've always been heavier and never got that much attention from guys. So this is new to me and right now, I'm just enjoying it, though I need to chill out a bit.
Yesterday was a major "ho" day though...actually felt pretty disgusting. What are the odds that there would be 3 guys in town at the same time who wanted to see me? First there was an older guy from Pueblo....Lee. Was OK...he's a sweet guy, but won't see him again. We had sex...he got a hotel room. He drove up just to see me. I guess I felt "obligated" since he did that. I didn't really enjoy that as much as I could have had I not felt that way. Then there was the cute guy from the town nearby. WOW! OK, I gave him a bj at the cemetery!!LOL No where else to go. I really like him and hope to see him again someday. THEN there was a guy off of an adult site that I hadn't even really talked to before that was going thru town...I went to see him. He's older and looks older as well. I gave him a bj too. I will NEVER do stupid crap like that again. I felt so "icky" after everything. Just wish it would have been the small town guy and that's it. I'm totally out of control.
I'm talking to another 25 year old in Denver now....Ryan. He is soooo cute!!! Very sweet. So we will see. I need to pick one or two and stay with them. I hate choosing anything or making decisions, but I need to. Can't be sleeping with all these people. Though I really can't seem to control myself at the moment. Then there's Ken in Pueblo. Says he will "host" and pay for my gas down there and everything. That I could stay the night and he would take me to dinner, etc. Wow...that's a new thing. THEN there's another guy. I won't say his name because he lives in a small town not too far from me. He's married and all. He's hot and sweet. Decisions, decisions. I never had this "problem" before. I wasn't popular when I was younger. I've always been heavier and never got that much attention from guys. So this is new to me and right now, I'm just enjoying it, though I need to chill out a bit.
Yesterday was a major "ho" day though...actually felt pretty disgusting. What are the odds that there would be 3 guys in town at the same time who wanted to see me? First there was an older guy from Pueblo....Lee. Was OK...he's a sweet guy, but won't see him again. We had sex...he got a hotel room. He drove up just to see me. I guess I felt "obligated" since he did that. I didn't really enjoy that as much as I could have had I not felt that way. Then there was the cute guy from the town nearby. WOW! OK, I gave him a bj at the cemetery!!LOL No where else to go. I really like him and hope to see him again someday. THEN there was a guy off of an adult site that I hadn't even really talked to before that was going thru town...I went to see him. He's older and looks older as well. I gave him a bj too. I will NEVER do stupid crap like that again. I felt so "icky" after everything. Just wish it would have been the small town guy and that's it. I'm totally out of control.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Whatever.....
Ya know, I'm sooo tired of the craziness. I don't know exactly what is going on between hubby and his "woman." You know, we had an agreement that we wouldn't get attached to anyone. I don't know if he is, she is, both are, etc. But I'm stressing. Like that's new. He has reassured me that they're "just friends," that he would never leave me, etc. So right now, I have to believe him. Until he proves that I can't. He's always messing around and being silly...being nosey..grabbing my phone and looking at the texts on there. I did that to him last night and I thought he was going to flip out. So what is going on?? I have no idea. He says the she sometimes tells him that she "loves" him, but it's only as a friend. But he didn't want me to get the "wrong" idea. Whatever. I'm just soooo over guys right now.
The one I want to hear from...hasn't written since Sunday night. The other one (25 year old) may fuck a co-worker. Well that's fine, because there are no strings...BUT I told him he doesn't use protection with her...then we're not doing anything again. He said he would...but like I trust that. So now I feel that I have to begin the process of letting them BOTH go. It seems like they don't need or particularly want ME in their lives, so there's no sense in me trying to be, right?
I just hate it when people "leave" me, but I'll get over it.
Well off to call the shrink now and see if I can get an appt.
The one I want to hear from...hasn't written since Sunday night. The other one (25 year old) may fuck a co-worker. Well that's fine, because there are no strings...BUT I told him he doesn't use protection with her...then we're not doing anything again. He said he would...but like I trust that. So now I feel that I have to begin the process of letting them BOTH go. It seems like they don't need or particularly want ME in their lives, so there's no sense in me trying to be, right?
I just hate it when people "leave" me, but I'll get over it.
Well off to call the shrink now and see if I can get an appt.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Need help I guess
I am going to see about talking to a therapist. I need something...I've had depression off and on since I was 15. This blog really wasnt't supposed to be about that, but I feel that I have to vent. I can't push it off on my "friends." I do and I know it's wrong. Makes me look "needy." Nobody likes a needy person. I feel sooo lost inside...empty and sad. I have become this person that I don't even know. I used to find joy in at least SOME things. Now it's like I can't find any and I don't even care. The house is a MESS...I don't care about it. Don't know where to start. So it's easier to just not deal with it. I get the kids up for school and then I go back to bed until whenever. I don't even WANT to get out of bed. Either that, or I go on the computer at like 8:00am and get off of it around 2:00pm! So I can take a shower and get "ready" before my husband gets home! The bills are due...really have to work at writing the checks for them and mailing them out. I have been the "bill payer" since we've been married! I have never had that problem before. I have been like this since January. I love to read..always have...but now find that I can't even concentrate enough to do that. I know I'm all over the place here right now. Can't help it. Too much going on in my head. I feel like screaming. I don't know what to do with myself. Right now, I just want to FEEL BETTER. Somebody HAS to be able to help me, right?? IDK. I messed up with the kids "Memory Books" and I feel SOOO bad....I know that I need to be more organized. But this..I just can't get past right now. I feel that Memory Books from school (or yearbooks) are important to have. I was supposed to order them (need 2) in March and I forgot. Now it's too late and they don't have any extras!!!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I was taking Cymbalta for depression and then she put me on Wellbutrin as well. But she's just a nurse practioner, not a therapist. She never checked up on me. The Cymbalta wasn't helping, so I stopped taking it. I just need to find someone to talk to and who can help me get "out of my head."
I was taking Cymbalta for depression and then she put me on Wellbutrin as well. But she's just a nurse practioner, not a therapist. She never checked up on me. The Cymbalta wasn't helping, so I stopped taking it. I just need to find someone to talk to and who can help me get "out of my head."
I did it anyway
You know how I said I wasn't going to meet the guy from Vail? Well, of course, I did. I don't know what my problem is (besides wanting sex).LOL I drove to Leadville where he met me. I left my van there and he drove to his place in Vail...like an hour away! Crazy. Anyway, he's a nice guy BUT he's too skinny and short for me..lol. I feel like a friggin' Amazon. Anyway, he has a gf in Denver, but he only sees her like once a week (you think he could wait). She has no idea that he's "playing." Yet he is planning on moving in with her in October. OK, we get to his place...now I know Vail is expensive...but he pays $750 a month for a box!LOL OK, maybe a little bigger...not much though. Very tiny place. The bed is in the loft...which barely has room for any movement at all. The ladder to the loft is straight up. Yes I got my fat ass up there...lol. Not an easy thing to do. Luckily he had to go to the bathroom, so I did that before he got out, so I wouldn't embarrass myself. He kisses OK (being a good kisser is a plus with me). Says all the "right" things...I smell good, how pretty I am, etc. Knows how to turn me on. By the time we did anything, I was soooo ready. As for the sex itself...I don't know. He's "good," but not great. He does like to cuddle and talk afterwards....which is cool. Awwwwww. LOL Then he drove me back to Leadville. Says he would like to see me again and we could get a room in Leadville. I don't know if I want to see him again in that way. I don't want to hurt his feelings though. Who knows.
If you want more steamy details about my encounters, you will have to let me know. I'm not going to force that on anyone..lol
I have been talking to a guy in Denver for a couple of months now and we met at the end of last month. He's 25. WOW! Went for 6 hours!!! I have never done that in my life! It was awesome. We IM each other. I will see him again at the end of the month when we head to Denver again. He would like for me to be there sooner, but can't do it this time. He is a great kisser, is all about pleasing me. He's FINE. He's taller than me...which is a plus. He was worried about me getting to clingy. It's funny, because I think that both of us are "involved." No way I would be clingy anyhow. I'm married with 3 kids!LOL
Then there's THE guy. He lives in Denver as well (maybe I should move??). He's married with kids. His wife doesn't know. He's taller than me and HOT. He came to the hotel to meet me last time I was in Denver. Had a couple of drinks and then went back to my room. He couldn't stay long, but it was awesome. Before we met...a lot of e-mails between us and he was always telling me how he felt and what was going on in his life. Then after...well not so much. He DOES write, but not sharing anything with me. Tells me not to stop e-mailing him, to just give him some time, because he doesn't feel good physically or mentally right now. To hang in there and be patient. So I will. I just like him A LOT. I think he likes me that way too. Neither one of us will leave our families. I just like talking to him. I hate checking my e-mail and there being nothing from him...even a short message is better than none (but not much). So will have to wait and see how that goes.
If you want more steamy details about my encounters, you will have to let me know. I'm not going to force that on anyone..lol
I have been talking to a guy in Denver for a couple of months now and we met at the end of last month. He's 25. WOW! Went for 6 hours!!! I have never done that in my life! It was awesome. We IM each other. I will see him again at the end of the month when we head to Denver again. He would like for me to be there sooner, but can't do it this time. He is a great kisser, is all about pleasing me. He's FINE. He's taller than me...which is a plus. He was worried about me getting to clingy. It's funny, because I think that both of us are "involved." No way I would be clingy anyhow. I'm married with 3 kids!LOL
Then there's THE guy. He lives in Denver as well (maybe I should move??). He's married with kids. His wife doesn't know. He's taller than me and HOT. He came to the hotel to meet me last time I was in Denver. Had a couple of drinks and then went back to my room. He couldn't stay long, but it was awesome. Before we met...a lot of e-mails between us and he was always telling me how he felt and what was going on in his life. Then after...well not so much. He DOES write, but not sharing anything with me. Tells me not to stop e-mailing him, to just give him some time, because he doesn't feel good physically or mentally right now. To hang in there and be patient. So I will. I just like him A LOT. I think he likes me that way too. Neither one of us will leave our families. I just like talking to him. I hate checking my e-mail and there being nothing from him...even a short message is better than none (but not much). So will have to wait and see how that goes.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Sunday Night
I'm in one of those "moods" I get too often. I don't want to talk to anyone...yet feel the need to be held and taken care of. It's crazy. I don't know where these feelings come from. Nights are sometimes worse. Just feel like my soul is lonely. So dramatic, I know.
The boys, hubby and I went to Colorado Springs for the weekend. It's our annual vacation.:) It was fun and nice to get away. The boys had a good time and so did we. I like the family time that we get..wish we could have more of it...just us. The boys will be grown and out of the house in the blink of an eye. Then where will I be? Lost. Wait, am I not lost now? Not really. I have my lonely, confused moments, but I know that people love me and care about me and that helps. One day, those people won't be here...don't even like to think about that.
I'm supposed to meet a guy from Vail tomorrow. I don't know if I will or how that will go. He's 52. Older than I would like, but he may end up being a great guy. I have met some cool male friends thru all of this and for that I'm thankful. I think that I need too much attention though. So just finding "one other guy" isn't plausible for me. I need variety and excitement. I suppose that makes me a slut...but it is what it is. I always look forward to new encounters and the rush of meeting someone for the first time...the chemistry, the feeling I get inside...but afterwards...I don't feel so great about myself. Though I have no intention of stopping..so I bring it on myself.
The boys, hubby and I went to Colorado Springs for the weekend. It's our annual vacation.:) It was fun and nice to get away. The boys had a good time and so did we. I like the family time that we get..wish we could have more of it...just us. The boys will be grown and out of the house in the blink of an eye. Then where will I be? Lost. Wait, am I not lost now? Not really. I have my lonely, confused moments, but I know that people love me and care about me and that helps. One day, those people won't be here...don't even like to think about that.
I'm supposed to meet a guy from Vail tomorrow. I don't know if I will or how that will go. He's 52. Older than I would like, but he may end up being a great guy. I have met some cool male friends thru all of this and for that I'm thankful. I think that I need too much attention though. So just finding "one other guy" isn't plausible for me. I need variety and excitement. I suppose that makes me a slut...but it is what it is. I always look forward to new encounters and the rush of meeting someone for the first time...the chemistry, the feeling I get inside...but afterwards...I don't feel so great about myself. Though I have no intention of stopping..so I bring it on myself.
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