FORGOT...

Dave, the boys and I went bowling last night. It was fun...things seemed OK. I know they're not. It all just hurts. I know that I have made A LOT of mistakes in the past year and a half. I'm to blame as well. I just wanted to make this marriage work. I love him. I just can't do this anymore.

ANOTHER DAY...

I'm just having a hard time. Today has been not great. He's been nice to me and all...texting and calling. Saying "I love you" at the end of each conversation. But we talked on the phone tonight and he still can't decide...well actually he DID, he just didn't come out and say it straight out. I told him that I hope he's good with his decision, because he will NOT come back to me again. I don't deserve to be treated like this. I told him all he thinks about his himself...not even Gracie..just what makes HIM happy. F**k who gets hurt as long as HE'S happy. I told him that he treats me like a piece of s**t and he said that he doesn't and I asked him how he even thought that he didn't. That why did he think it was OK to do this to me again? I told him that he even f****ed thinks up with Jayson and I. That I can't even go back to that. It was OK when he was with Gracie and I was just hooking up with random guys, but that as soon as one of them cared about me and wanted to be with me, all of a sudden, he wanted me back. So I treated Jayson like crap. I stayed away from him because Dave and I were trying to work things out. Yes he called me some names when he was pissed off at me, but how is that worse than what Dave has done to me??? At least it made him think. I told him that it's all well and good that he's "happy" again and with her, but that he messed up that chance that I had with Jayson. He says he knows and he feels "bad" about that. I told him to make sure that he can deal with the fact that one day I will find someone else and that they will be in his kids' life and will be doing things with them and make sure he's ready to deal with that. He says he doesn't know if he can..well too bad. The only reason he's OK with everything right now is because I don't have anyone in my life. I'm so stressed out and sad today. I guess there will be many more days ahead like that. Better get used to it. Guess we won't tell our families until after the 4th of July. No need for everyone to hate each other before the barbecue that Daves' sister is having.

On the weight loss front...I suck. I've still lost like 42 lbs, but I should have lost more this past week and I haven't. Being on low carb is hard when you're upset like I am..just want sugar and carbs. So I've had some and I still want some. But trying to fight it.

How do I go on in this life??? Do I even want to??

CRAZINESS......

Well yesterday was NOT a good day. I was a mess. The more he acted indifferent, the worse I got. It just annoys me to all hell that he has so many feelings for HER and that he can't choose!! My oldest, who is 12, is upset..he can tell things are wrong. Dave told him last night that we weren't going to get back together and Phillip yelled at him and took a swing at him! He's taking all of this really hard and all the back and forth isn't helping. I called Dave last night and yes, I begged and told him that I would give up all of my male friends (it's not like I have a million)..they don't live here anyway. So he said that he would be up. He came up and talked and said that he would give me a second chance. Well, thank you for that. He ended up staying the night. But then this morning...well he was sad and teary-eyed, because he knew he was going to have to tell Gracie that he was back with me. I told him that he shouldn't be that upset about it. So now it's back to him not knowing what to do...who to choose. Why am I even in this position?? Because I put myself here and I can't let go. I told him that he could be friends with her...well I don't think that's going to work. The more they talk, the more they want to be back together. I asked him today should I wait or is it over and he said he didn't know! Then he said that we should wait awhile and see what happens. That since I'm "letting" him talk to her, that I can still talk to my friends if I want to. Ya know, this is gonna end with him choosing her again over me. I have no doubt. Yet I will continue on this crazy merry-go-round til the end. I want it to work for the boys' sakes...for MY sake. I want to be able to make him happy. Did we lose what we had??? How in the HELL did that happen?? I have to be an adult and not break down all the time over this. To not threaten him with not seeing his kids. I just don't want them around her. He told me this morning that he would cancel the lawyers' appt. he made yesterday. I said what was it for and he told me it was for custody!!! I never thought he would do that, but he said that he would never let me keep the kids from him. I don't blame him and I would never do that...to him or the boys. But for him to even consider taking me to court shocked the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure it wasn't just his decision. I don't know that for sure, but she has a lot of power over him it seems. Of course, she was upset when he told her that he was going to give me another chance. She loves him and wants to be with him. I wanted to believe him when he said he wanted me back. I just couldn't totally trust him. Yes I would talk to Jayson some, but I was never emotionally invested in that and Dave knew that. So even if I would have went back to Dave in February or March...there's no guarantee that he wouldn't have done what he's doing now. He just can't get her out of his system.:( I know that I will be alone for a long time...I don't even know how I would begin to move on.

I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN.......

Well what I thought would happen DID happen as far as the ex is concerned. I thought that if he ever got mad at me or we had an argument, that he would run back to Gracie (who he left me for). He got mad at me a couple of weeks ago and was acting different. Finally, yesterday he admitted that he was talking to her again and he just doesn't think it's "going to work out for us." Deja vu. This from a guy who I have given at least two chances to and he won't even give me ONE. This from a guy who was crying to me last month, because he "couldn't live without me." He just flips a switch and I'm out AGAIN. He did that last August, then he did it again in February to HER...he didn't love her anymore, didn't want to be with her, wanted his family back. Now he does it again..he DOES love her, DOES want her back. He told me he would never hurt me like that again. He was sorry, he knew he f****d up, etc. But yet here we are. It hurts just as much as the first time. I was stupid. I didn't realize that I still loved him as much as I do. But yet it doesn't matter. He cares about himself and Gracie and that's it. I don't know how things will end up, but it won't be good. They are making a fool out of me again...she's probably just THRILLED that this is happening. He says he's not treating me any differently, but he is. Just like before...doesn't want to deal with me and my emotions, cold to me on the phone when we do talk, doesn't text me or call me like he was, etc. Then what the hell do I tell my family??? My step-dad was sooo pissed off at him, but was being nice to Dave, because of me. My mom was even starting to get past what he did to me. Now it's happening again?? What the hell??? I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I DO know that my kids will never be allowed around the b***h. She doesn't like me. She knows a lot of things about me (all negative from Dave) and there's NO WAY I will let her be around my kids. I don't know how I'm supposed to get past this when I still love him so much. I don't know how I'm supposed to "keep it together" when I'm around my kids. I hurt and I'm tired of it. He put me thru 6 months of hell, but he couldn't give me 6 months to try to get past the hurt and to trust him again? I must not be worth much.

Good news and bad news...

Well on the bright side....I'm at the lowest weight I've been for over 4 years!! So I'm very happy about that! 312 lbs...I know it's still a lot, but it's really a big thing for me. It's been hard to get down to this point...and though I have a long way to go...I'm still proud of myself for getting here.:)

I'm sad today and feel lost. I want sooo much to believe my ex. For things to somehow to go back to what was. Do I just take him back, knowing that I will always be wondering if he's still talking to her?? I don't know. I hate feeling like this. So damn alone and insecure. I just want to be able to trust him, to KNOW that's he's not talking to her..to not ask to see his phone, not check on him. Thank GOD she lives 3 hours away. I would go crazy if she lived here. He gave me the password to his e-mail, so I can "see" that he's not talking to her. That doesn't help me really. Why would he keep the same e-mail if I had the password to it? He could just get a different e-mail and use THAT one to communicate with her. I'm going to drive myself crazy with all of this.

I'm not with Jayson anymore...well never really was. But we haven't talked in a few days and I don't see that changing any time soon. I just wasn't "into" it. Too many issues...age, his temper, my unwillingness to try harder to make it work, me not being able to get over my ex like I should. Can't have another relationship with someone when you're still hung up on your ex.

The ex........

My ex...such a stressful situation. I still love him and would love for things to just go back to the way they were before he left me for someone else. He wants me back..so why can't it be that easy? I don't trust him, he doesn't trust me. I guess that's the main issue. Plus he said he was unhappy last August when he left and that we had nothing in common. Now he's happy and we have something in common?? I'm sooo confused. I wish I knew exactly what to do. I talk to some other guys that I made friends with during the 6 months that he was with HER and he asked me yesterday if I was "just keeping my options open." I told him yes I was. I was just being honest. I told him that it was hard to forget things that he said to me and also things he said to HER either about me or just telling her shit like "you're the best friend I ever had," "you're the best thing that ever happened to me," etc. How do I get past those words? I really don't know how. So he cries a lot...which is hard to see. I don't mean to hurt him. I told him last night that I cried A LOT when he was gone and that he didn't want to deal with it, so he just avoided me. Wouldn't take my calls (if he did, he would just let me rant and not really listen), wouldn't text me back if I said I loved him or I missed him. He just didn't want to deal with me and my emotions. Didn't really give a crap at all. He's sorry for all of that and that's cool. But it doesn't change how he made me feel..how much it hurt. So now that I feel "guilty" for making him feel bad, it pisses me off. Why should I feel bad??? But I do and that's just the way it is. I'm tired all the time, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope MOST of the time, that there is no point to anything. I hate feeling like that. I really don't know what to do anymore. I told him I keep my options open for when he changes his mind again. He says he won't...but I don't believe that right now.

Rainy days and Saturdays?

OK, I couldn't figure out a better headline for today...so paying my respects to "The Carpenters.":) I don't feel good today. I've had a cough since the middle of April. Sometimes it hurts to breathe deep. Just can't afford a doctor, but if it gets worse, I may have to go.

It's cold, cloudy and rainy out today. I love this kind of weather!!:) It's not too cold and I LOVE the rain!

I'm hungry, but am having a hard time deciding on what I want to eat that is low carb. May have to run by Safeway and see what I can find, before I decide to go on a binge that I will regret.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Money woes...

I never seem to have enough money for anything...but, then again, I know that a lot of other people don't either. It's just hard sometimes. I get overwhelmed. Had to get my ignition fixed the other day in my jeep and it was $160! I don't have that kind of money to spend, but what am I supposed to do? I need a vehicle.

I've been out of my prescription for "water pills" for a couple of days now..hopefully it will be in today. When that happens, I usually gain between 2-5 lbs. of water weight (at least). I was afraid to weigh today, but did anyway and it was good...if I did gain a few pounds in water weight..then I SHOULD BE almost below 310! That would be cool. I'm tired today and have no idea why. So may be taking a nap soon (like my kids will let THAT happen!!)LOL

Carbs are my downfall....

I've been doing low carb again for 6 days now...it's hard. I lost 8 lbs. in 4 days and was soooo excited! Then I weighed today and I gained 2 lbs!!:( I did eat a few frozen strawberries, blueberries, rasberries (the ones that come in a bag) last night...maybe that totally threw it off. I don't know. Other than that, I have been good about not having any carbs. It's just disappointing. Low carb is hard enough for me and when I don't see results, it's even harder.:( I'll just keep hanging in there and hope Fridays' weigh-in goes a bit better.

Hello All!

Well...on the diet front...I'm not using BioSlim anymore. It costs $80 a month and I was on it for 2 months...didn't lose anything. Didn't gain either, which is a plus..but time to move on from that. I had gotten back up to 321 and that was totally unacceptabe. Now am back at 313. I haven't been walking as much as I should, but on June 3rd, I started low carb again (I had done it a few years ago). I retain a of water for some reason...so within 4 days, I have lost 8 lbs!! Yes mostly water weight, but I'll take it.:) I've also been drinking A LOT of water. I miss sugar like you wouldn't believe, but so far am hanging in there. I drink diet Dr. Pepper if I need some carbonation. I don't like the aftertaste of most sodas, but that one isn't too bad.

As for the depression...it is still lurking about. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day and do nothing. I also want to eat carbs and sugar...so am really fighting against that. It's not easy. Eating has always been my comfort. Not easy to find something else to fill that void.

Jayson (the young'un) and I are pretty much done. We had a pretty big fight yesterday. I must admit that I have backed way off and don't call or text him as much and he's been hurt and upset by this. I never meant for that to happen. So yesterday on the phone, he called me a: bitch, slut AND a dumb ass. I felt that was enough of that BS. I don't need that kind of crap in my life. I was so pissed off, that I hung up on him. He told me to remember that I'm the one who hung up and pretty much don't come running to him if I'm lonely or need someone to talk to. I haven't talked to him since, but he's called and texted a few times. I just hope he doesn't show up here.:(

Dave (ex) and I have been hanging out some. We went to a metaphyscial fair yesterday and had our auras read...individually and as a "couple." It shows that were both spiritual and that we're very compatible...must me something wrong with their machine!LOL JK. We have been getting along, but I'm not ready to get back together. I'm good with how things are.

I went to Job Corps in Montana from July 1989-February 1990. I had my first boyfriend there...Bruce. He's a few years younger than me. We have kept in touch off and on over the years. He has been texting and calling a lot the past week or so. He's having problems with his marriage as well and just needs someone to talk to. We could always talk to each other. He lives in Alaska now. It's been nice being able to talk to him. I wish that things were better in his life right now, but I'm sure he'll be OK.