CRAZINESS......

Well yesterday was NOT a good day. I was a mess. The more he acted indifferent, the worse I got. It just annoys me to all hell that he has so many feelings for HER and that he can't choose!! My oldest, who is 12, is upset..he can tell things are wrong. Dave told him last night that we weren't going to get back together and Phillip yelled at him and took a swing at him! He's taking all of this really hard and all the back and forth isn't helping. I called Dave last night and yes, I begged and told him that I would give up all of my male friends (it's not like I have a million)..they don't live here anyway. So he said that he would be up. He came up and talked and said that he would give me a second chance. Well, thank you for that. He ended up staying the night. But then this morning...well he was sad and teary-eyed, because he knew he was going to have to tell Gracie that he was back with me. I told him that he shouldn't be that upset about it. So now it's back to him not knowing what to do...who to choose. Why am I even in this position?? Because I put myself here and I can't let go. I told him that he could be friends with her...well I don't think that's going to work. The more they talk, the more they want to be back together. I asked him today should I wait or is it over and he said he didn't know! Then he said that we should wait awhile and see what happens. That since I'm "letting" him talk to her, that I can still talk to my friends if I want to. Ya know, this is gonna end with him choosing her again over me. I have no doubt. Yet I will continue on this crazy merry-go-round til the end. I want it to work for the boys' sakes...for MY sake. I want to be able to make him happy. Did we lose what we had??? How in the HELL did that happen?? I have to be an adult and not break down all the time over this. To not threaten him with not seeing his kids. I just don't want them around her. He told me this morning that he would cancel the lawyers' appt. he made yesterday. I said what was it for and he told me it was for custody!!! I never thought he would do that, but he said that he would never let me keep the kids from him. I don't blame him and I would never do that...to him or the boys. But for him to even consider taking me to court shocked the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure it wasn't just his decision. I don't know that for sure, but she has a lot of power over him it seems. Of course, she was upset when he told her that he was going to give me another chance. She loves him and wants to be with him. I wanted to believe him when he said he wanted me back. I just couldn't totally trust him. Yes I would talk to Jayson some, but I was never emotionally invested in that and Dave knew that. So even if I would have went back to Dave in February or March...there's no guarantee that he wouldn't have done what he's doing now. He just can't get her out of his system.:( I know that I will be alone for a long time...I don't even know how I would begin to move on.