I HAVE RETURNED!!:)

I can't believe that I haven't posted on here in 5 1/2 months!!  A lot has happened since then.  I will try to get it all in here, but it will take a bit...so might as well go get some coffee first.:)   As you know, my step-dad, Duke had been sick.  He was put into the nursing home sometime in the first two weeks of June.  He had gotten worse & my mom couldn't take care of him at home.  His daughter had come from Texas & she had just left.  As soon as she did, he told my mom that he wanted to go to the nursing home as they had talked about it before.  He had liver disease (no he didn't drink).  He seemed to be getting better & we had thought that maybe it was the calm before the storm.  A lot of people feel better in the days/weeks before they die.  On June 22nd, his family had planned a memorial for his aunt who had passed away last December.  He was determined to go.  He had purchased a HoverRound (sp?) before he had gone into the nursing home & he loved that thing. LOL   So he was able to go to the memorial which a lot of his family attended.  His brothers & my mom got him there.  He had a great time!  He was able to talk to everyone and see people he hadn't seen in years.  Mom asked him at one point if he was doing OK & he said he wasn't leaving.  She laughed & told him that she just wanted to make sure he was OK.  Towards the end of the evening, he wasn't feeling great & was ready to go back to the nursing home.  In the days that followed, he continued to be in a good mood, insisted on having his cell phone & called mom every morning...sometimes at night when he couldn't sleep as well.  She spent a lot of time with him there during the last few weeks.  On Tuesday morning, July 2nd the nurse called mom & told her that Duke was asking for her.  Mom didn't think about it until later, but she then wondered why Duke hadn't just called her from his cellphone like he usually did.  She went over there & she had a hard time waking him up.  He had had a bad weekend where he had been in some pain & they had given him a little morphine, so she had thought that they had just given him some more.  They told her they hadn't.  He had finally woken up & told mom that he loved her a lot.  Then he was in & out all day.  He would kind of wake up & mom would ask him how much he loved her & he would put his fingers about an inch apart...he was funny even then.  The nurse told her later that day that he only had maybe hours to live.  She hadn't realized that that was what was happening, though looking back, she said she should have.  She called his brothers & my sisters.  I was at work & had just gone on my lunch break that evening when she called & told me that I needed to get over there & that he didn't have long to live.  I called my sons & told them that if they wanted to see Duke, that I would come & pick them up (even now it makes me cry to think about him at all...so this isn't easy for me).  When we got there, his brothers, my sister Bev, my mom, my ex-brother-in-law Tad (not the ex-husband of Bev) were there.  The boys & I went in to see him...with the exception of my middle son, Dominic.  He is 11.  He has a hard time with things like that, so he didn't want to go.  I called my ex-husband, Dave & told him what was going on & he came up.  I later told him that he needed to go get Dominic.  That it was important that they all got to say good-bye.  Duke was really restless.  I had asked him to open his eyes a couple of times & he did, though he struggled to do so.  I told him that his brother was there (by the bed) & he mouthed "which one?"  He had an oxygen mask on at that time.  Mom had stepped out of the room & he became more restless, so I asked him if he wanted me to get mom & he shook his head yes, though barely.  He then kept kinda putting his hand on his head briefly before dropping it back down & he did this numerous times.  My sister asked him if his head hurt & he nodded yes.  He had a DNR (do not resuscitate) order in place.  They had "turned off" the signal for his pacemaker like a week earlier, so when his heart did stop, it wouldn't shock it into working again & continue doing that.  The boys & I had left about 10:30pm that night so they could get something to eat.  Tad called me around 11:30pm & told me that if I wanted to see him again, that I had better get back there.  He had started to take longer between breaths.  Phillip & Matthew wanted to go back with me.  So they were in the room as well...though I wasn't sure that was a good idea.  Everyone was crying & emotional.  We all said our goodbyes & told him that we loved him.  I later found out that earlier in the day, he had been "talking to his mom" telling her "I know mom, OK, yeah I know."  She had been gone for years.  His breathing got sporadic...he was taking longer between breaths.  His body was really struggling to breathe at that point.    He passed away at 12:03am on Wednesday July 3rd.  It is hard without him.  I'm crying even now...I just try not to think about it much.  It's hard enough going to mom's & him not being there.  His funeral was very nice....as far as funerals go.  He was Catholic, so we, of course, had it in the Catholic Church.  He had had last rites at the end of May when he had gotten really bad & the priest said the didn't need them again.  Duke had put off having last rites, because he had to do a confession...I guess that's how it works.  He felt that he didn't deserve to go to Heaven, because of all the things he had done in his life.  He had been in Vietnam as well & just felt that he didn't deserve absolution (think that's what they do).  Father Jesse was a friend from school as well as a priest & he told him that he did.  I was there for that as well.  Very emotional.  We later found out that while his daughter was there, she hadn't been giving him his medication like she should've been...she's a nurse.  Mom had let her spend some time with him & left it to her to give him his medication.  She had lost her mom in April & now she was losing her dad.:(  I guess she felt that by giving him his meds, she was prolonging his suffering....really don't know.  Anyway, after she left & mom started giving him his meds like she usually did, he got at least a little "better."  OK, back to the funeral...he was dressed in a very nice suit with all of his military medals on...he had put those on himself months before...they were small & there were many...so it took awhile...but he insisted that he was going to do it.  The Honor Guard from Ft. Carson came up....it was very nice & he would have liked it.  I hope that somehow he could see what was going on.  It's hard every day.  I can't imagine what it must be like for my mom.  She has to live in the same house with him being gone.  He loved hunting season, so this season has been hard for all of us.  His birthday was November 6th.  Then the Holidays are coming up.  We miss him more than words can say.  Financially...he made sure that things were in place, that mom wouldn't have to worry about money.  Well that hasn't worked out.  She started filing paperwork for VA, etc in July & they have been giving her the run around since.  They have lost the paperwork, or she needs to fill more out.  It's not just VA, it's the life insurance company, then he had started paying on another insurance as well & they won't pay out.  She doesn't have much money.  Right now, she doesn't have money for food, bills.  She had to have the churches around town help her out this past month to pay utility bills.  She has enough to pay her house payment & insurance on the one vehicle she has left.  Duke had bought a new truck in September 2012, that him & mom argued about a lot during the last year of his life.  He wanted it & that was that.  He said it would all be OK, that she would find a way to keep it after he was gone.  Well she couldn't afford the $600 a month payments (plus insurance) on it & they repossessed it last month.  She has aged a lot the past few months.  I know that she isn't feeling good either.  She doesn't feel like getting out of bed some days.  It's pretty horrible seeing her struggle like she is & knowing that I can't help out at all.  I think it's bullshit that now she has to worry about money when she shouldn't have to.  I think it's messed up that she has lost her husband & that insurance companies & the VA are screwing her around.  My kids are having a hard time with it.  Especially my oldest, Phillip.  When Duke first died, he said he would never go hunting again because that's what he did with Duke.  He may change his mind later.

In May, I had found out that I could move into these apartments in town  that I had put an application for  over a year ago.  An upstairs 3 bedroom had come up.  It's income based.  The house that we had been living in was basically falling apart & I had been informed by the insurance company that I wouldn't be covered if I didn't get it all fixed by a certain date.  Well I don't have the money for that.  So was just going to let it go into foreclosure.  But then told my ex that he could move into it if he could do the repairs and all.  He had been living with his sister since he moved out in 2009, so he jumped at the chance.  Him & his girlfriend moved in in August.  I finally got moved into the apartment around the beginning of July.  With Duke dying & having so much junk in that house...it took me awhile to get totally moved out.  I will NEVER have that much stuff again.  Didn't think I was ever going to get everything out of there.  I threw a lot of stuff away, gave some to Goodwill , etc.  I love it here.  It's a good thing that we live in town now instead of 5 miles out.  As of two weeks ago, I no longer have a vehicle.  It died & will cost $2,200 to fix right now & when the engine goes out "within 6 months," it will be another $3,000.  Was advised to just get a new car.  Yeah....my credit sucks & I have no down payment.  So will have to wait until income tax in February.  Which sucks because it's getting cold out & can't walk to work & back every day.  I have done it a few times & it's really hard after standing for 7-8 hours a day.  I don't live too close to work either.  My mom takes me places sometimes or let's me use her truck to run errands every once in awhile, but I can't expect her to just drop everything to come & get me or whatever.  It's been a bit stressful.

At the end of June...during everything else that was going on...my mom's little dog, Loca, got hurt very badly.  She's a Chihuahua.  Mom has a fenced in backyard.  The deer come in anyway & mom always makes sure that there are no deer in the yard before she lets Loca out.  Well, this day, she didn't see the deer.  The deer had babies around somewhere in the vicinity (though not in the yard).  I'm sure Loca just wanted to play & probably ran up to her.  She was only out there for a minute or so before mom looked out the window & saw the deer actually standing bent over under the trampoline.  We all ran out there calling for Loca.  She didn't come running & we knew then it was bad.  We couldn't find her in the yard.  But then the deer put her ears back & was looking towards the corner of the yard where a bush was.  So I ran over there & I thought she was dead at first.:(  She was laying in the bushes, looking horrified & wouldn't come out.  The deer was still in the yard...but finally got her to leave.  Mom picked up Loca & noticed she had blood on her & there was a bit of blood in her eyes.:(  She took her to the vet right away.  She was there for a few weeks.  They figure that when Loca ran up to the deer, the deer kicked her in the head & she went flying across the yard into the bushes.  She broke one of her back legs so bad that they had to amputate it.:(  So now she runs around on 3 legs.  It bugs her not to be able to jump up on the couch & look out the window anymore like she used to.:(  It's very sad.  When she first got home, she would run to Duke's room to see him & he wouldn't be there.  Finally she stopped looking.  Duke loved that dog & the feeling was mutual...but they didn't get to "say goodbye."  It makes me sick to think about.

You may remember that I had been talking about a guy named Jeff(JM).  We had our issues & he had gone to Scotland to work.  In July...well it was a HORRIBLE month for us.  We had a major fight & took a few days to think about if we wanted the relationship or not.  It was pretty bad.  It was the closest we had come to breaking up & just getting out of each others lives.  It was hard to work thru things when he was so far away.   We decided that we DID want our relationship & things got better from there.  My birthday was August 31st & he showed up at my apartment on the 28th...a total surprise!:)  We had a great 10 days together (along with my kids).  We then decided that he should move in.  He had gone back to Colorado Springs (his mom lives there) for about a week & then I went & got him & his stuff.  He officially moved in on September 14th.  So two months today.  It's been a rollercoaster, but I will talk about that at a later time.  I'm just happy that he's here.:)

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia last month.  I had been hurting a lot for awhile.  All the blood tests came back normal.  I wanted to cry.  Just because I KNEW something was wrong, but the "tests" said otherwise.  I know that a lot of people don't really believe in Fibromyalgia & that's fine.  I take some meds that help dull the pain, but it's still around.  I can really feel it some days.  There is some sort of pain every day though & I hate that.  It's a chronic thing...so just have to learn to deal with it.  Jeff has been amazing thru everything.  The kids have a harder time because they don't like seeing me in pain & I tend to be more short-tempered when I'm really hurting.:(

Phillp....he's doing on-line work for the alternative high school.  He has to put in 24 hours a week & he just hasn't been hitting it.  It's harder than either one of us thought it would be.  If he shows "enough motivation," he will be allowed to start going to the actual school in January.  Well the next two weeks are make it or break it for him.  If he doesn't get up & start getting this stuff done, he will have to go back to the regular high school in January.  I told him that not going to school is not an option.  All he wants to do is sleep all day, play videogames, eat.  He doesn't go anywhere unless I drag him with me.  He only has one friend that comes over every now & then to hang out.  He needs to get out & be around kids his own age.  So we will see how it goes.  He has been a source of stress the last year or so, but I love him immensely.  He had threatened to hurt himself about a month ago, so I called the police.  Didn't know what else to do.  He has done it before & I didn't do anything.  An officer came over & talked to him, called the local mental health place, they talked to him & me over the phone.  We went in the next day, they made sure he wasn't a harm to himself or others.  He sees a therapist sometimes now, but he can't prescribe meds, so he want's Phillip to see the last one that prescribed him some meds in December 2012.  I haven't been able to get an apt yet.  But I know that meds might help him.  Him & Matthew fight constantly.  I can't handle much more of it.  Just at that point.  After the thing with the police, I told Dave that he had to take him for at least a week, that I couldn't deal with it.  He had him for a total of 3 nights.  Phillip doesn't want to be there & Dave just doesn't want to be a full-time dad.  He has really dropped the ball on the whole dad thing since him & Christy moved in together in August.  He sees them every once in awhile & not for very long.  Dominic doesn't want to spend much time with him at all...and the other boys are only a little better.  Dave comes around sometimes...here or mom's...talks to them for maybe 10-15 minutes & that's about it.  I'm very disappointed in him.  I feel like I'm a single parent here.  He needs to take more responsibility, but between him not putting in the effort & the boys not wanting to spend time with him, I don't know how that's going to happen.  All I know is that I'm overwhelmed.  Jeff & I don't have much time alone together.  He doesn't have any kids of his own & I know this isn't easy for him.  He's 30 & gets this ready made family.  I will also talk more about that later as well.  Dominic & Matthew are doing well in school.  Dominic is getting A's & B's.  Very proud of him.  He doesn't like conflict & stays at my mom's Thursday night-Saturday night.  They don't have school on Fridays.  He has to have a routine or he gets a bit freaked out & that's part of his routine.  Matthew is doing OK, though he is having some problems with his teacher, who tends to be sarcastic & condescending at times.  We have parent-teacher conferences next week & I plan on talking to her about it.

Dave's girlfriend, Christy, had a year & a half year old grandson named Austin.  He belonged to Christy's daughter, who is strung out..so Christy had him a lot when the dad didn't.  So he was around the boys a lot & they totally adored him.  Dominic was particularly attached to him.  His dad lives in Kansas (or did).  Dave & Christy had taken him back to him in the middle of August, though they didn't want to.  He died in a house fire at the end of August.;(  We pray to God he didn't suffer.  Apparently he was asleep on a couch in the living room & a cord/outlet caught fire that was right under the couch.  The aunt & her kids were in some other part of the house (dad was out with friends) & her & her kids were able to get out, but unable to get Austin out.  Dominic never cries.  But he did when he heard that...actually he just got a stomachache for a few days & then he finally cried.  How do you even begin to explain why shit like that happens?  I had been around Austin as well & he was a beautiful baby boy.  Now he's just gone.  The other two boys have struggled with it as well, but Dominic has taken it very hard, though he doesn't talk about it...he doesn't talk about anything that bothers him...never has.  I don't think that's a good thing.

This is long enough.  I will write more later.