Tuesday evening

Well talked on IM to Frank briefly yesterday morning. Said that he enjoyed our time together and that he would never forget me. I told him how much I would miss him, etc. But I guess that he is really serious this time. There have been other times that he was kinda like this, but not to this extent. It's hard not to contact him at all. I miss him. We talked practically every day on IM for 4 months and now nothing. I hate it. I told him to please not block me on IM and that I wouldn't bother him and he said that he doesn't block anyone. That's how it ended. What else could I say? Beg and plead for him not to kick me out of his life?? Yes I thought about it, but what good would it do? He told me that being friends with me is "draining." Gee, thanks. I thought friends were supposed to be there for you no matter what?? I'm so sad. Anyway, a few weeks ago he told me that he was so lonely and that he was going to kill himself. He had made me promise before he told me that that I wouldn't tell anyone. Then he changed him mind about doing it. Well, I don't know that he has. So now that he really doesn't have anyone to talk to...should I try to find some of his family, his ex-wife, a friend of his and tell them??? What do I have to lose, right? I already lost his friendship. So I will probably see what I can do. I don't want him dying.

Then Darren had sent me a rambling note last night. I had sent him a "religious" forward and so he told me what he thought of it. He wasn't mean or rude and hell at least he wrote something finally. Told me somewhat of how he feels. But I don't see our "friendship" continuing.

I'm not good at this NSA (no strings attached) sex. I'm obviously not made that way. If I don't hear from Tom or Ken for awhile...I'm just like "whatever." That's not the way it's supposed to be. Wasnt' supposed to bring more drama into my life. So, though I will probably see a 23 year old this weekend, I think besides that, I have to slow down. I don't see the point. I need more of the friendship aspect of it and most guys can't give that. What I seem to want is a husband AND a boyfriend. I know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

So this blog may be some about the "lifestyle," but for the most part, it will now also be about my battle with depression (and it IS a battle) and the battle with my weight. I went to the Mental Health Center today for an intake evaluation. I'll see the guy in a couple of weeks. Until then, they are going to start me on Celexa. I hope it helps and doesn't have a lot of side effects. He says that is sounds like I have "moderate" depression. Hell I wouldn't want to know what "severe" depression feels like!!:(

As for the weight...well I'm huge.LOL Have A LOT to go. First is 60 lbs. that I gained the past few years and then we'll go from there. I turn 4o on August 31st, so am hoping to be down at least that much by then. I've started to exercise some..walking and weights...will add aerobics as well. I just really have to watch what I eat. I did well yesterday, but today...all I want to DO is eat.:(