Really nothing new to report on the "Dave" front. Though he is supposed to go to Denver on Saturday...whatever. I don't think he knows what he wants...me or Gracie...both? I think not. I just need to NOT be alone with him. I deserve better than that. I'm not good enough to want to be with anymore, but still good enough to f**k?? I have put up with that from a lot of guys in my younger years, but never thought that it would be that way with my own husband of 12 years!!!
Then I'm trying to lose weight...well am I REALLY trying?? I don't know. I love to eat..bottom line. But I feel like crap. I have sleep apnea...I don't wear the CPAP machine because it bugs me. Some nights, I don't even notice that I stop breathing so many times. Other nights (like last night), I wake up gasping for breath, with my heart racing and sure that I'm going to die of a heart attack.:( Sometimes it turns into a full fledge panic attack. Dave used to be here to calm me down...now it's just me. If my oldest hears me, he comes in and asks if I'm OK. I KNOW I need to lose weight, but getting there isn't easy for sure. I've been walking more (though the past week I have been lazy). I have never been this heavy..well actually I probably have...by a few pounds. I can't buy jeans in this town...guess fat people don't live here?? So I have to go to a city and go to someplace like "Catherines" to get jeans and it's expensive. Before, I was able to pay like $20 for a pair..at that place I have to pay like $50!!:( All that extra material??LOL My mom says I'm built like my grandma on my dad's side...we call her Grandma Gray. OK, I love her immensely, but don't want to look like her. She always had problems with her weight as well. I know I need to put my weight down here...but I feel soooo embarrassed to do so. I was at 275 lbs. for a long time...then when I quit working...BAM..all this weight piled on. So now I'm about 330. I'm 5'8. I have some water weight...take pills for that..why should I be retaining so much water? When I don't take my pills, I can gain like 9 lbs FAST. Too bad like 30 lbs isn't "water weight.:) But I will try to be healthier for myself AND for my kids. I need to get out of the mentality that I'm "meant to be fat." I need to make small goals, instead of saying I have to lose like 150 lbs....because that is just too much pressure and I give up. So wish me luck.:)
1 comment:
Oh, good luck!! You can do this...really. The blogging world is full of people who have. :) Try some small steps to start. Walking is GREAT...burns calories and is easy on a beginner exerciser. Maybe food-wise try the not eating after dinner thing. The evenings used to be my prime snacking time, so if it's the same for you, it's another great first step. :) Every step counts. I really believe if you try to go all out and do some crazy restrictive diet and harsh exercise regime, it makes it just too hard to maintain. The burn out factor is huge. So smaller steps, added together over time is so much more manageable.
I am so sorry to hear about your son's trouble at school. What a traumatic time for your family. :( Glad you are back writing here...maybe it will help!
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