Another day....

I know that some of this is my fault...some people can have an "open marriage" and be fine, obviously it wasn't for us. But if there wasn't something "wrong" or "missing" in our marriage, we wouldn't have decided on the open relationship in the first place. He first started talking to Gracie at the beginning of February. We decided on the open thing like the middle of the month, I guess. I do remember that for Valentine's Day, instead of spending it with me, he was at his sister's house on the computer with Gracie. Big warning sign then. Well then he met her at the end of February...went up to Denver. So did I, but I stayed at a different hotel. I don't want to get into all of that...it's too depressing and the beginning of the end. Then the beginning of March, I found some e-mails between them....it was BAD. Saying how he had never felt that way, etc. Couldn't wait to see each other again. I was SOOO mad, hurt, upset. I was a mess the entire weekend. Told him I was going to file for divorce on that next Monday. He was crying and begging me not to, the he "couldn't live without me." So we worked it out. But he said that he still wanted her as a friend...damn I'm dumb. I let him have that. So he saw her a few more times over the months and she was "cool to talk to," "to hang out with every now and then," etc. Then he decided he wanted to be with her. I asked him when he fell out of love with me (he told me he had), because I was thinking "how could you do this from July to August?? Have this big feeling change? He said he thinks it was around April!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF???? So I guess I was delusional for awhile. After he left, I found some more e-mails..I will learn one day not to read that crap..lol..from her to him. He must have erased his to her. Hers was bad enough. He had to be saying crap about me to her. She's like "you work all the time and she doesn't work at all. She should be kissing your feet." I DON'T THINK SO! If he had a problem with me not working, all he had to do was say so. I had worked, but it was like I was doing it and then using the money for daycare! It didn't make sense. So WE decided that I would stay home until our youngest, Matthew, started Kindergarten, which was this past August. Then at the end of August, Dave went on a picnic in the mountains with my family and I. In one of her e-mails, she says "I don't mean to sound jealous or anything, but did SHE go too?" Like I'M the other woman!!! No idiot, he went with just my family. Damn. There WAS one e-mail that I read from him and it was like "you are the best thing that's ever happened to me" and "sex with you is the best I ever had." OK WTF was I?????????????? Then he wonders why I get so pissed off at him. He wants us all to be friends! I don't think that's gonna happen. My parents divorce was a mess....anyway, will save that for another day.