Will I Ever....?

I don't think that this big empty space inside of me will ever be filled. Not with happiness, not with fulfillment, not with anything. I don't know what to do to make it go away. Nothing helps. Not food, not sex...haven't tried drugs yet and won't. With my luck, they would kill me the first time.LOL OK, not so funny, but you understand what I'm saying.
I'm SOOOO stressed out. The house is a mess, the kids are loud..fighting all the time...don't listen to me, etc. I'm just sooo over it. Then the panic attacks..well haven't had any for a long time....but that was because I was on anti-depressants. Now that I'm not...well today was the first one I've had in a long time. It wasn't full blown, but it was bad enough...feeling hot inside, numb, out of control, etc. I hate them. Why can't I be happy??? Why can't I not worry about everything under the friggin' sun??? Why can't I just "go with the flow??" Why do I want everyone to like me?? Why am I not happy with the way things are in my life?

OK, whatever, right? I'm sure I just need to chill out, but how to do that?? A guy killed himself here last weekend...only like 27...had been in Iraq...maybe just couldn't deal anymore. It's always in the back of my mind...a release, an escape. But I can't and I won't...I have my kids and I have to not be selfish. Even hubby would miss me. Though I can't be easy to live...he has stood by me. I lucked out on that.

Met Ken on Tuesday (26th). Was really cool. He's a nice guy and I really do like him. We went out to lunch and then went ahead and got a hotel room. Wanted to hang out for a few hours. It was raining and options were limited. OK, some excuse, right?LOL I feel weird writing about some things here now. But will do to some extent anyhow. He's a good kisser. Made me feel good. He actually cared if he pleased me or not. Wow...that is a first...well my husband always makes sure...but as for the other guys...not so much. He told me to "not fake it." Surprisingly, I didn't have to...shock of all shocks. We didn't have actual sex though....for various reasons. He likes to cuddle too, which is good, because so do I. There are certain guys that I have to be careful with..would be easy to fall for them. I plan on seeing him Saturday night again while I'm in Denver. Then not sure when I will see him again. There are other guys a bit closer who want to see me again...but ironically I don't want to see them. Well one or two, but that's it. This is like another addiction for me. It used to be food..now it's sex with random partners. What the hell is my problem??? Do I feel better after I do it? No not usually. Still lonely. Which is really stupid. Have no reason to be lonely.

Then today...Nick wanted to see me. He had to come to town for some other things (he only lives like an hour away). He is one of them that I saw on the 13th. There is nowhere to go around here that is private. If you don't want to get a room, options are pretty limited. SOOO, there is another cemetery nearby that is pretty remote. We went there, talked a little and then had sex....he has a pickup...anyway..interesting to do it outside at a cemetery no doubt. It wasn't bad. Wish we had more time and all.