Not a good day

I hate crying. It doesn't matter if I'm alone or not, I hate it. I cried so much the first couple of months after he left...don't think I ever cried that much ever. Tonight...it just all hit me again. It's been a hard day...just knowing that he doesn't want to be with me and the boys. I know he loves the boys and won't abandon them...but it was iffy for awhile. He was going to put in for a transfer next year (he has worked as a correctional officer at a prison near here for over 9 years)...but he was willing to give that up...to give up his boys...to move to Denver to be with her and her kids. It was killing me. Leaving me is one thing, but leaving his kids...who need him more than anything...I just couldn't understand. He was telling me bullshit like he would get down here as often as he could, that he would call them. IT'S NOT THE FUCKING SAME!!! He would be 3 hours away. Being a dad to HER kids and not to his own. Our youngest two..they're 7 and 6 now...they are coping..but they adapt and don't really understand what's going on. Dave has been living with his sister here in town since he moved out and so the boys can see him every day. Stay weekend nights with him. But who knows how they really feel inside or how it will affect them in the long run. My oldest is 11 and he is taking it SOOOO hard. I don't know how to help him. Dave had gone to Denver to see her on September 12th...as soon as he left town, Phillip...our oldest...called him crying and begged him not to go. But he did anyway. Phillip didn't feel protected without Dave being here, so he took a handgun from my sister-in-law's gun cabinet. It didn't have bullets and there was no way he would have ever done anything to hurt anyone. But he made a mistake. He, for some reason, took the gun to school on that Monday..the 14th. I didn't know. He didn't take it out of his backpack, but opened it so a couple of his "friends" could see it. They told their mom that night. She knew us..she could have CALLED us and told us. But she didn't. She went to school the next morning and told the principal and the officer that was there at the time. Maybe I would have done the same in their situation, but they fucked up my son's life...at least for awhile. The officer called me and said that when he got to school (he rides the bus), that they were going to check his backpack. I was fucking hysterical. I called Dave and told him to get his ass home from work. They, of course, found the gun....IF ONLY he would have missed the bus...I got up late and I made them hurry so they wouldn't miss it...IF ONLY I would have checked his backpack. I would have taken the gun out. I don't care if it was right or wrong for me to do that. I would have done that to protect my sweet baby. I got to the school and he was soooo scared and crying. He's only 11. He told them that he made sure the gun was "clear," because he didn't want to hurt anyone, he just wanted to feel safe since his dad left. I'm 5'8 and he's almost as tall as me and is just a big kid. But he's a teddy bear. They arrested him. But they let him walk out to the police car without cuffs. We were at the police station for hours. Then they said that he would have to go to Pueblo (aobut 2 hours away) to a youth detention center for at least 5 days. I thought I was going to die. I didn't want anything bad happening to my baby. We went down to see him on that Wednesday night and then there was a hearing over the phone on Thursday. He was able to come home, but with an ankle bracelet on. He had court on September 21st. He had to wear the ankle bracelet for another month and he got two years of probation, 60 hours of community service, he will have counseling, plus some kind of support for all of us. I don't know. If he gets in trouble in those two year, he can be removed from the home. He was expelled from school...he's only in the 5th grade..they could have expelled him for up to a year, but the superintendent had letters from Phillip's teachers saying that he is a sweet child, that he shouldn't be away from school. But he had to expel him since that is the law. So he goes back January 6th. But how will he adapt? How will the kids treat him? This is a small town. He doesn't deserve this shit. He had just started band and was really enjoying that. They sent homework home for him to do...but it's like he has just given up. He sleeps all day. He can't sleep at night...I think he's afraid that something bad will happen to us at night without Dave being here, so he can't sleep. He doesn't do his homework, loses his temper easily. He cries and tells me that he doesn't care if Dave and I fight, he just wants his daddy to be home. It kills me. Dave loves him, but he doesn't know how hard it is to listen to Phillip cry and want him home. He doesn't cry to Dave. Maybe he thinks he wouldn't care, I don't know. Dave is so much about Gracie. Talks to her constantly on the phone. Texts her. He took the kids trick-or-treating with me and I asked him if it bothered him at all that this would probably be his last Halloween with his kids...that next year and all the years to come, he would be with her and her kids. He just gave me that look...the one where he just closes himself off from me. I was with him for 12 1/2 years and I don't who he is anymore or how he can just be so cold to me sometimes. He used to cry that couldn't live without me. Then he just one day decided that he CAN live without me and he leaves. What is that shit? Then on November 6th, he went to Denver again to spend the weekend. The kids and I dealt with it. On the way back on Sunday, he texts me and asks if we can talk. So I met him at a lake near here. He was crying and upset and saying that he didnt' know what the fuck he was thinking. That he loves his boys and can't leave them, that he can't hurt them anymore than he already has. That he loves me too and never stopped. That he misses all of us...misses his family. That we could make it work. I asked him if he wanted to be with her and he said not if it meant hurting the kids anymore. So all that day, I was like in shock, didn't know what to think. Didn't know how things would work out. But was happy that he was finally showing some feelings. THEN WHAM...later that day, he gets a text from her saying that she can't deal with being away from him and that she would be willing to move down here to be with him!! Then all of a sudden, he's "over" me again. I told him how much it hurt and what was all the crap he told me earlier in the day and he said something like "well I didn't know she was going to do this." WTF does that have to do with anything??? So everything that he told me was just bullshit? At least where I was concerned? I was like second choice? He was willing to "settle" for me??? I dont' want that. Either love me and want to be with me or just leave me alone. He says he loves her. His sisters say that she will never be welcome in their houses...but will they change their minds to keep the peace? Am I just out of the family that I love? I don't know. My mom and step-dad, my sister and my nieces have loved him for years too and it's not only like he abandoned me and quit caring about me, but them as well. He barely talks to them. Maybe he feels ashamed. I don't know. But I think it fucking sucks that he just gave everything for her. So then I was pissed off and told him how I felt and he just lets it go in one ear and out the other. If I talk about anything serious...the kids, money, the house...he gets irate with me. He said that he would take care of us still. That he would pay the mortgage and the bills. Well then they started garnishing his wages for medical bills, so we are like 3 months behind on the mortgage. If I lose this house, I will never forgive him. I told him that it's all well and good that she's willing to move down here for him, but that it's gonna be pretty ironic if we lose the house and the kids and I have to move somewhere else, because we can't afford to live here. Rent is as much as our mortgage is. I don't even know where we would go. That worries me and he says that he's trying to take care of it. But that doesn't help me right now. He paid like one bill in September and a couple in October. I don't even know what the hell he paid this month. I told him that I can't just sit around and wait til the house is in foreclosure to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I told him that I would give him to the 1st of the year, then I'll just have to figure out what the kids and I are going to do. I applied for food stamps a month ago and still don't have any. When Phillip goes back to school, I will have to get a part-time job again. I'm on Social Security, so I can make up to a certain amount. If it wasn't for my Social Security right now, things would be even worse. He gave me money this month (I made sure he did), but that doesn't mean he will continue to do so. He says he's going to file for bankruptcy, but that's like $1200...where is he going to get that kind of money??? I talked to a lawyer and they said that he should file for bankruptcy before I file for legal separation. So I don't know what the hell to do. If he decides to move to Denver, then I will file for legal separation soon...so he HAS to pay for the boys at least. I can't trust him enough to send me money after he's in Denver and around her. Even if she moves here, I don't know how he's going to pay for a place for them to rent or own, plus pay me. But that's his problem. I told him that he wasn't going to end up with much money, but he won't listen to me. I don't know what will happen and that is a lot of stress. I have been doing people I shouldn't be doing....but none of it helps. So I don't need the one night stands and all the crap that people want from me. I will be OK on my own in the end. Though it's hard right now. I have never really been on my own before. If it wasn't for my mom now, the boys and I couldn't have made it this far. I owe her a lot of money and a lot of thanks for helping me like she has.
With the Holidays coming up....it's just hard. Plus my house is a mess and I do mean a mess. I just haven't felt like dealing with it. I was going for walks to help with the stress and depression, but haven't gone on one in days. I need to tomorrow. It's just so cold out now.:( Then to top everything off...he still wants to have sex with me and I usually let him. I still love him, even if he doesn't love me and he's still MY husband. I won't sign divorce papers, because he's NOT going to marry her or anyone else. Yes I can be a bitch and a big one too.