WEIGHT UPDATE

I think I will have a "weight update" from time to time.  That way, it's in it's own post.  I can be so organized on here, on Pinterest, etc. but in "real life," I suck at it.  I have been trying not to eat much the past couple of days.  I'm doing low carb, but that's expensive at times & I just don't have the money right now.  So it's just easier to not deal with food.  I get so tired of the thoughts in my head.  Constantly thinking about food...what I should eat, what I want to eat, when I'm going to eat, how many calories or carbs are in whatever it is I'm thinking about eating, berating myself for not being stronger than this fucking food addiction/obession.  It's tiring.  Jeff says it's always about my weight...he means that I'm always bringing it up or making sarcastic comments about myself or joking about me being fat.  I can't seem to help it...it's just a normal thing right now.  Maybe always will be, but I'm trying to be more conscious of it & not do it so much.  I wake up thinking about food, think about food all day, go to bed thinking about food.  Always eating too much or too little (though the too little rarely happens).  Starving myself & then bingeing.  Being pissed off that I don't have more self control.  Letting the scale dictate my mood for the day.  Being bitchy to everyone because I can't eat what I want to eat.  Yet I know that I'm the one who got myself to this point.  If I don't eat, I don't feel well & get very bitchy & mean.  Jeff now knows what is going on and tells me to eat something NOW.  All the good stuff has carbs in it.  Carbs & I don't get along anymore.  I can put on some serious pounds in a week by eating too many carbs.  Don't even know how much weight I could gain in a month if I just ate all the carbs I wanted to.  I used to drink A LOT of Mt. Dew, but gave that up years ago & started drinking diet coke.  Now people are telling me not to drink that because of the aspartame & maybe that's part of why I don't feel good.  So now I'm pissed off about that.  Do I have to give up everything??  So I have been trying to stay away from all soda...but I love carbonation.  I crave it sometimes.  I don't like getting regular cokes or whatever anymore, because there are a lot of calories & carbs in those.  So I have just been drinking energy drinks here & there & trying to stay away from the stuff I really want.  One Summer a few years ago....it was what I like to call "The Strawberry Slush Summer."  I swear I was at Sonic every day getting a Route 44 Strawberry Slush...sometimes TWICE a day.  Yeah...not so great for my weight, but loved the stuff.  But kicked that too, because that was just putting way too much weight on.  I get obsessed with certain things for awhile & then get past it...except with food.  Can't get past that, because we NEED food, so can't just stop eating.  Though one doctor when I was younger told me that's what I should do.  Jeff & I have been going for walks...but not as much as we did before I had a vehicle again.  Need to start.  We did go on a long walk on Friday.  About kicked my butt though.  My friend bought me a very cool pedometer, so have been wearing that around.  You're supposed to get 10,000 steps in a day.  I average 2,000-3,000 usually.  So I'm a long way from what I'm supposed to be.  I did walk over 10,000 steps on Friday...but damn that's a lot of walking.  I wouldn't even complain about that much, but my left ankle...well I don't even know how to explain it.  I don't have any arches anymore.  A few years ago, my ankle really hurt & I had an X-ray done.  The doctor said I had a bone spur, but never said anything else about it, so I just let it go & just ignored the pain as much as I could & have ever since.  But now...I don't know if it was because of the bone spur or something else, but I like walk on the inside of my foot.  It's kinda weird.  So my whole ankle hurts most days when I walk on it.  I can't even straighten it out anymore.  So after walking for awhile, it gets pretty bad.  I get frustrated with my body for not working "right" & not cooperating with me.