OK...where to start...LOL. Ummmm....well on the morning of the 29th, JM said to text him when I got up so he could call me. So I did that. He's always been honest with me. He told me that he had been thinking a lot the past couple of days & that he only had "friend feelings" for me. I was devastated. I really didn't know what to say. I had asked him numerous times over the past the month or so if he just wanted a friend thing. He always assured me that he wanted more & felt more. So I was upset AND pissed at the same time. He said he was sorry & that he still wanted me to come down for the weekend & hang out. I told him I didn't know if I would be doing that or not. He asked if I would text him later that day & I told him that I didn't know...that maybe I would. I don't need more friends. I'm not saying that I have a million friends. That is just not what I'm looking for, especially with him. I'm totally into him. Can't see just being friends. So we hung up & I texted him, told him that I wished him the best. At that time, I was going to just "let go," even though it would be really hard for me to do so. He texted me right back, said that it hit him like a truck when I said that I MIGHT text him later. He said he didn't know that he loved me as much as he does, that he doesn't want me out of his life & that his heart actually hurt when he thought that he wouldn't hear from me again. He told me to please come down for the weekend. So I ended up going on the 30th and staying until the 2nd. I'm a different person when I'm with him. I'm calm, rational, happy. I know..hard to believe that I can be rational & not just a psycho bitch all the time.LOL We talked a lot, watched movies & just hung out. My birthday was nice.:) He got me a card & 4 books. I LOVE to read! Also a piece of cake.:) I have never held back in this blog...though I have seriously toned it down the past few months. I don't like being judged...but hell this IS MY blog...so I should be able to say whatever it is I want to say, right? Yes we had sex once. I thought it was pretty amazing. Now...I think I may have told you this before...but he had told me that he just isn't as sexually attracted to me as he used to be at the beginning...actually I don't know if he has ever been totally attracted to me in that way. I asked him if it was the weight thing & he said it wasn't..that he's not sure what it is. Well you have to have SOME attraction if you're going to be in a relationship..it's just the way it is. I thought it was all good now....though we didn't do much after that..I'm thinking maybe he just did it because it was my birthday? Anyway...I texted him after I left & asked if he was more attracted to me now or the same as before. He says "maybe a little more." I can honestly say that does NOT make me happy.:( Yet he says he loves me & doesn't want me out of his life. Geez. At this point in time...I have no idea where this will go. I love him A LOT & am "in love" with him. I haven't felt that for a long time. I don't want to lose that...but also don't want to settle for less than what I want, if that makes sense. He says that what he feels for me is more than friendship...so will just take that for now.
OK.....now where Dave is concerned...OMG. Gracie is done with him. He is a mess. Has begged & pleaded with her basically, but she says her feelings have changed. He doesn't have anyone to talk to, he cries all the time...so guess who he texts a million times a day...yes ME. Then he's upset if I don't text back. While I was gone for those 4 days..he called me at least 100x!!! I didn't answer. Though I did call him back a couple of times to see what the hell. I have never known him to be like this. He reads me all the texts that have gone between them..in which he tells her that he's never been happy until her, that theirs is a once in a lifetime love, etc. I'm thinking to myself...WHY are you telling me this stuff???? I must have meant shit to him for all the years we were together. Then I get back yesterday & he wants to meet & talk..which is Davespeak for "let's fuck." Sorry to be so blunt. NO WAY. I don't even know what to say to him anymore. I have told him that how he feels now..is how I felt for a long time after he left me, but that he didn't want to hear it, didn't want anything to do with me, etc. Yet he expects me to listen to him. Then to top it all off....last night..he asks "what about me & you?" I'm like what about me & you? He said "about us getting back together?" NO automatically came out of my mouth. WTF??? After everything that has been said, done, etc...he actually thinks that we can just forget all that & go back??? I'm his last resort, because he doesn't want to be alone. I'm NOT going to settle for that. I love JM. He also asked me if I was "in love" with JM & when I said that I was, he was pissed. I just don't get it. I feel that he is being "stalkerish" if that's a word. I'm finding it very hard to deal with him at the moment. He blames me for the break up of him & Gracie. Yes I was a total bitch & sometimes a bit psycho myself...but I was being selfish. No..I'm NOT taking all the blame...but I should have just let him be happy. I have never seen him so miserable. He tells me that he should have just stood up to me & moved up to Denver years ago to be with her. He has crossed the line a couple of times the past couple of weeks...as far as trying to get me to sleep with him, etc. I told him that he needs to chill the hell out. I DON'T want to get him for harrassment or worse. He would lose his job...he needs that job..has been at it for 12 years & I need the child support.
I have decided that I need to get my life together. I need to get my house cleaned up totally....I could ALMOST be on that show "Hoarders." I just can't deal with all the junk anymore. I need to get a part-time job, so I have more money for things & maybe actually be able to save some. I need to figure out if I want to stay here or move somewhere else within the next couple of years. I need to lose this weight. About my weight..I was totally surprised to see the scale this morning! I have pretty much stayed what I was. What's shocking about that is...is I hate a bunch of junk over the weekend. Sugar, carbs, etc. Not much protein was in sight. So I'm happy that I didn't gain like 10 lbs.! Now to get down into the 290's this month!!
I went to Cripple Creek yesterday (gambling town) on my way home...BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!!! I spent WAY TOO MUCH MONEY. Now I'm totally screwed on some bills this month. I haven't gambled in a long time, except for Bingo every now & then. I'm totally disgusted with myself. I just can't put myself in that position ever again, because I can't control it. I feel horrible...panicky. As I should. I'm a crappy person sometimes.:(
On the plus side...I AM feeling a bit better finally!!!:) THANK GOD!! I have been sooo tired of being sick.
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