I was totally angry earlier..such adrenaline going..when you crash..you crash hard. Guess that's where I'm at right now. I will get into all of that in a minute. I thought I had better friends than I actually do. Yes some were there for me thru my separation & eventual divorce...one or two are still around. But does anyone really make an effort to hang out with me anymore (besides J)? Nope. I have known some people since I was a kid, yet I don't feel comfortable talking to them about anything "too serious." Yet I have known JM for 2 1/2 months & when something is going on, I"m totally stressed out, etc..he's the first one I want to talk to. That's not even normal. Whatever that is. It just made me sad to realize that I don't have a friend that I can totally be myself with anymore.;( A very depressing thing to figure out. JM says he doesn't mind when I vent about the kids, Dave, etc. etc., but I still don't feel right totally dumping it all on him. He says that he's just easy to talk to & I will have to agree with that. I'm going up to see him this weekend. We have talked some about moving in together at some point..if we can find a 5 bedroom place that won't cost an arm & a leg. I think that's on farther down the line though.
I have been sooo tired today..just didn't get much sleep last night. So, right now, I'm extremely tired, but don't feel like going to bed yet. ..though my eyes tell me otherwise. I had some disturbing dreams last night..where I couldn't breathe..guess they were dreams. It actually felt that someone was choking me & I couldn't get them to stop. A scary ass dream. Very realistic. I don't know why that would happen right now. Kinda creeps me out.
I won't be taking vacation any time soon...just don't have the cash. One of my friends lent me a bit of money recently, so I could get caught up on a couple of bills & also to get new tires for my jeep. Will probably get those on Wednesday..will cost me about $477. It's a huge amount, but not as bad as some places. If I could wait til February & income taxes, that would be awesome!!:) But they won't last that long.
Have any of you ever heard of Pinterest.com?? I just "found" it & absolutely love it!! Have spent way too many hours on that!!LOL You can save images or whatever from the internet, that you find interesting, inspiring, etc. If you check it out, let me know what you think.
I didn't go to Pueblo last weekend..feel bad about it..but just couldn't trust my tires to go that far & back. I need to apologize to her(Marsha) for not being able to show up.:(
OK..on to what happened earlier. Phillip didn't go to school yesterday, because he didn't feel good. Now he has looked up on-line schools & wants to do that..the deadline for signing up is the 21st! I had told him before that I didn't like the idea of him doing the internet for school stuff. I must admit though, that I have to cheat sometimes & look!!LOL Anyway, he called or texted Dave to ask him about an online school..after I had told him that it wasn't a good idea. Now Dave is saying that he thinks it's a good idea & that maybe it would be better for him (Phillip) to be able to do something that he would like to do. I listed all the pros & cons..believe me..the cons far outweight the pros. I just don't see Phillip doing his homework on his own...he has a hard enough time as it is. Plus I believe that he needs interaction with other kids his age, whether it be good or bad. I have thought before of taking him out of school & homeschooling him..but I know that neither of us have the discipline for that..& also I'm just not that smart in some things. Another thing that concerns me about him doing school at home..is that he would gain even more weight. He says that he would exercise more...but he doesn't now. I'm not sure yet what the "right" thing to do is. Earlier I was sooooo mad about it..mad about everything going on with Dave, mad that Phillip went "over me" to ask Dave, the fact that I just can't seem to find that "calm, content, peaceful" place inside of myself anymore. It seems like it's always chaotic. So I yelled at Phillip..which I feel bad about..but we later talked & all was good. He will stay in school & I will check out other alternatives for him. I totally yelled at Dave..told him basically stay out of it. Yes he's Phillips' dad & he has some say in the matter. It's just the fact that he's been pretty much stalking me & causing issues there..I don't even know what the hell to do anymore. It's like I'm back at square one with everything. When I get that mad..where I don't know what the hell to do..it feels like my head is going to explode..where I feel like hurting myself..it's hard to talk myself down at times. So I texted JM & asked him to text me & "talk me down" before I did something stupid or that I couldn't take back. He called & we talked for awhile. How can I drag someone else into this mess? If I had known that all of this was going to start up again, I wouldn't have gotten involved with JM in the first place. I had gotten involved with Jayson about 6 months after Dave moved out..that was too soon & there was still too much emotions & crap going on..so I ended up hurting Jayson..I should have not even started a relationship (or tried to) at that time. I thought that everything was "calmer" now & that I would be able to have a "normal" relationship. I found JM & now all of this is going on. How long do I expect him to stay around & put up with everything??:(
Dave had come by yesterday..well Sunday. I had been ignoring his texts & phone calls. I was tired that day, because I hadn't slept well the night before. I had gone to Taco Bell to get me something to eat. Had just gotten home when he started banging on the door..and I do mean banging. It was the same stuff over again. I was being a bitch, because I thought that maybe that's the best thing to do..because being nice wasn't working. I told him that I didn't love him anymore, that it was NEVER going to happen (us getting back together), that he was just annoying the piss out of me & that he was making it so I didn't want to be around him AT ALL. He cried some more, etc. I'm not putting him down. I'm just saying that he needs to STOP. I told him that driving by my house, driving by my moms' house, constantly calling me, texting me, showing up at the park while I'm with J...it's STALKING. He couldn't deny it. Then all of this tonight...he told me that he still had a little hope deep inside of him that we can make it work. What isn't he "getting??" Then after I calmed down some..he asked if maybe we could hook up one more time..or maybe a couple of times a week..he would leave me alone other than that! Geez.
2 comments:
I agree with you regarding school. I think the most important thing about school isn't always what we learn, just because we all learn at different speeds and we all like different things, but the social interaction with other kids of similar age is what's important. You learn more about yourself, what other people like and i think it teaches kids discipline around others too. We all know that we can be brats at home and get away with things that we wouldn't get away with at school haha.
I like your new blog look. :-)
Pinterest is AWESOME! I spend way too much time there! But it does help motivate me to go for a run (seriously) and I have made several recipes I've found there, and I've even done a craft or two I've found on it. :-)
Social interaction is so important, so it's a good thing your son goes. I know my own son would completely ignore his school work and would just be online all day looking at youtube. :-)
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