DISGUSTED

I just feel disgusted with myself for numerous reasons.  There is this group on Facebook now...there is about 24 of us...and we had to send "before" pics...it's a 90 day challenge and whomever loses the most weight by then, wins all the money that we have put in...I think it's like $70 for each of us..so that would be a decent amount of money to win...anyway...I had Dominic take the pics...with form fitting clothes...OMG...I'm SOOOOO FAT!  It totally depressed the hell out of me.  Like I'm not depressed enough already.   I totally didn't know that I had some many "fat rolls" on my back.  No wonder guys don't like me.  I mean, I know I'm fat....but just to see that...

I'm so tired of this weight...so tired of being controlled by food..thinking about food...wanting food, etc.  I have decided that food is the enemy.  I'm just going to try to drink a lot of water, tea, diet soda (gotta have that) and just try not to eat much.  I was doing good when I wasn't feeling all that great..but now that I'm feeling better...my appetite is back...which sucks.  I know you're not supposed to starve yourself..but I think that if I drink protein drinks, that my body won't think anything of it.  I don't know.  I feel insecure in my body. 

Things with JM are so-so.  We have talked some on the phone and texted.  He leads more with his head while I lead with my heart...so that is a bit of an issue, but he told me that he doesn't want me to change.  That he doesn't throw the word "love" around a lot, but that he does love me.  So, of course, that makes me feel good.  BUT I just don't think that I'm a priority to him.  Yesterday was his birthday, so he called and talked to me in the morning..the told me that he would text me later.  Well finally at 11:30pm, I texted him and told him that I hope he had a good day and told him night.  He texts right back and says that his cousin just left.  Then he didn't say much and I told him so and he said he was just tired.  I told him I would let him go then and he said "I love you baby.  I'll call you in the morning."  So whatever.  I don't know.  I'm sure he could have found time in his day to send me a short text.  I think that even if I had waited til midnight to text him, he would have said that his cousin just left.  I don't know.  Guys are confusing.  The thing he doesn't seem to understand is that once I get over something, I'm pretty much over it.  So if he doesn't want that to happen, then he needs to step up a bit.  He's so my type except for the being chubby part.  He's taller than me, but is thinner..which I have never really liked, but I DO like him.  Yet, I feel self-concious about my body and that doesn't help anything.  I don't expect a guy to text and call me 24 hours a day..but really...can't find 5 minutes to text in a 14 hour period?  If I didn't like him so much, this wouldn't even bother me like it does.  It seems like the guys I like don't like me that much and the ones I don't care for that much totally want me.  It's BS.

Dave and I fought over the phone some more yesterday.  We haven't done that for awhile.  He's just selfish.  I guess that's what it is.  He wants booty calls with me...well I told him that was a no go.  So he was mad about that, but then said he understood.  The other day, after the shootings, he told me that he had sent a text to Gracie saying that he felt the need to tell her that he loved her.  She told him she didn't know what to say to that.  Anyway, I was married to him for 13 years..did he tell me that at all?  Nope.  Which is all well and good...but don't be trying to hook up with me, when you don't even care about me that much.  He told me that he had tried a couple of times to get back with me after he left and that I wouldn't try...are you serious??  I told him that how could I even try to work on something..when he's the one that fell in love with someone else and left his family.  What is there to work on from there?  How can I compete when his heart is already somewhere else?  I told him that I couldn't just have taken him back..it wasn't just me that I had to think of..it was the boys too.  I would have let him move back in, made the boys happy..then a few months or years down the road..he would bail again and break their hearts all over again?  I don't think so.  I asked him if it was worth giving up his family for...(since he's not with Gracie right now) and he said no.  I don't even have any major feelings for him anymore.  Just pisses me off that he didn't try harder a few years ago.  Now all he is concerned about his maybe getting a second job, so he can pay off his bills sooner and then maybe Gracie will want him back.  So he's focused on that..while I have to focus on everything else.  Finding another place to live..maybe having to take the kids away from their family and friends since it's expensive around here...have to pay for their school clothes, supplies, pictures, etc. next month (he will TRY to help).  Plus take them to this amusement park by Colorado Springs called "The North Pole" and take them over to Grand Junction to see my sister and her little girl.  In a jeep that needs new tires...no I don't have the $500 to get new tires...and yet he says it's always all about me.  I tell him that I'm the one that takes them places and does things with them..that he doesn't even try to do things like that...he just doesn't get it.  He's like "just stay in the house and call Social Services or somebody and see if they can fix the outside of the house.  Really???  Like I haven't asked for enough charity over the past 3 years.  Know how embarrassing that is?  Yes, I'm grateful...but damn.  I get child support and Social Security.  Yes I know that I have to get a part-time job.   There's no doubt. I hate being broke by the middle of the month.  If I do move out of town, I think it would be maybe a little easier getting a job...though I could be wrong.  Just go where nobody knows me and where there are more job opportunities.  I have always had a hard time making decisions and sticking with them.  Always wondering if I'm doing the "right" thing.  It's annoying. 

Phillip is all pissed off at me for whatever reason tonight.  Didn't want to talk to me when I called him today.  He says I never let him do anything.  I'm like WTF???!!  He never wants to do anything!  All he wants to do is play video games, eat and sleep.  He had wanted to go stay at his cousin, Angelas'...I don't like her (Daves' niece) and don't like him being around her without other people around...she's 26 or so..but she doesn't act like it.  Why would she want to hang out with a 14 year old?  So I told Dave it was up to him, but he knew how I felt about it.  So I don't know if he stayed with Angela or not.  I told Dave that him and I just needed to stop talking..that I would just move if and when I felt like it and would tell him after it happened, since he doesn't like to hear about it.  I'm not happy with Phillip at all.  He could have at least talked to me.  It's not like I never do anything for him.  I love him immensely..but he's being a little brat at the moment.  It upsets me.

I go back to the doctor in the morning...will see what he has to say.  I'm done taking the antibiotics & steroids now..so will see how my lungs are.  Hopefully all is good.

Dominic & Matthew are going to go to Bible School this week at the church across the street from us.  They love going to this one every year.  I wish Phillip would go too..but he didn't want to...like that was a surprise.