A BIT OF INSIGHT INTO ME

I wonder why I am the way I am.  Why I obsess over every fucking thing there is to obsess about.  Why I'm so terrified of being abandoned by people...I mean if they don't want to be in my life, it's their loss right?  But I don't see it that way.  I feel unworthy.  Feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough (well obviously), funny enough, caring enough, etc. etc.  I'm basically a good person.  Though I have some faults...I'm sarcastic, I can be a total bitch when I feel criticized, backed into a corner, betrayed.  I'm a negative person...maybe I was born that way, but I think a lot of it came when I was growing up.  I'm not blaming anyone else for the way I am, but when you see things when you're a child, you pick up on that.  I'm pessimistic most of the time and have to work at looking at the "bright side of things."  I have to work at being more positive.  I wish it came naturally to me like it does some people.  I can read self-help books all I want...but it's hard to change my mind-set.  I fly off the handle at the smallest of things...like when I got a negative comment on here the other day..did I really need to freak out like I did?  No.  If I text JM or anyone else that is important to me and I don't hear back from them in a certain amount of time, I'm pissed off.  Wondering what I did wrong, said wrong.  Why I'm not good enough that someone WANTS to text me back right away.  That's so not normal.  When I like hanging out with someone as much as I like hanging out with Jeff...then I obsess about that.  I'm so unhappy in my life, that when I do have some happiness, I want to grab onto it and not let go.  Which makes that person uncomfortable...but only because I get sarcastic and bitchy at times when I don't think that they're paying enough attention to me.  I have a control issue.  Even if I'm not in control of my life...I like to think I am..it makes me feel better..not so panicky and "lost."  I can't control how other people act or feel about me and that actually causes me anxiety. :(  I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.  I know I'm not "normal."  Not even close to being that.  I know I push people away with my neediness.  But, then on the other hand, if I feel like I've been lied to or betrayed somehow..then that person is so out of my life.  I go from one extreme to the next...from being needy and wanting to have that persons' attention all the time...to not giving a damn, ignoring them...pushing them away.  I tend to see things in black & white.  I have tried to see all the gray areas and sometimes I can...but usually it's you're either for or against me, on my side or not, love me or hate me.  When I was a kid..I wouldn't want to be just someones' friend, I wanted to be their BEST friend.  I had to make sure that I was better than their other friends.  That I meant more.  When they wanted to hang out with other friends and not me...I was devastated.  This was in grade school!  So it's like I have always been this way.  I don't like change and usually won't change unless it's forced on me (like my divorce).  I would have stayed in an unhappy marriage, just so nothing would have to change, so I wouldn't be alone.  That's another thing...I don't like being alone.  I WANT a boyfriend or husband.  I don't want to grow old alone...another of my fears.  But I have pretty much been alone for the past 3 years...and you get kinda used to it.  I have "seen" other guys, but haven't felt a lot towards them.  Every now & then I would meet one that got my interest, but it never went anywhere..as you can tell from reading my blog over the past couple of years.  I have really liked a couple of guys...even loved one or two.  I'm an intense person.  If I like someone a lot...I'm all in.  But nobody has been "all in" with me for a long time.  Jeff and I have an awesome relationship.  Just to be able to laugh, watch movies, hang out and not worry about being judged is awesome.  We tell each other we love each other.  Which I totally do love him.  Yeah we haven't known each other that long...but it's just there.  I know that even if we don't end up together..that we will always be good friends...yet I want to be the one that he wants forever.  Anyway, I got a bit off track there..,but that's how my mind is.  It's all over the place all of the time.  I know that I need to learn to "go with the flow," that "things happen for a reason" and all of that good stuff.  That where I am now is where I need to be.  But it's just soooo not easy for me.  Even if I lost all of this weight, I don't think that would change how my mind is.  How I feel about things.  How I act and react to things.  Sometimes there is just so much chaos in my head that I feel that I should just disappear.  So people can judge me all they want, but they don't know me.  I try not to judge other people and can't figure out why everyone feels the need to judge everyone else.