I CHOOSE THIS SITE

I have decided that, after using Wordpress briefly, that I like this site much better.   So I will be posting on my blog here from now on.  I'm no longer with Jeff.  He moved out in the middle of August...totally blindsided me.  Told me he wasn't happy, that he needed passion.  I don't know how long he had been planning on leaving before he actually left, but it doesn't really matter now.  The fact is, I was a mess for 2 months.  Even now...I'm just getting to the point where it doesn't hurt so much.  He moved 2 hours away...well back to Colorado Springs.  My birthday was on August 31st & it was one of the worst birthdays I have ever had.  He didn't even text me or call me until I texted him. I had known this guy for 2 years.  We had talked or texted every day of those 2 years except for one...actually we did for 25 months.  He was sweet, kind, funny, loyal, said I was his best friend, his forever, we were engaged.  Then he moved out & turned into a total dick.  Was mean, cold, cruel, rude, didn't give a shit about my feelings at all.  He had to do it for him, etc, etc.  He didn't even tell the kids bye.  Who the hell does something like that?  They had come to love him & he said he loved them too.  Anyway, at first, he said that it was cool if contacted him, but that if I called him, he wouldn't answer the phone & he didn't.  I last talked to him on the phone on September 10th.  He would say that he still loved me, but wasn't IN love with me (my ex husband said the same thing & Jeff KNEW that).  My ex also left in August...right before my 40th birthday & Jeff left in August right before my 45th birthday...talk about deja vu.  But it's the way he did it that made it all worse.  He's 31.  He's close to his mom (she's a cool person).  He would sometimes go down to Colorado Springs where she lives & spend a few days with her.  That's what he was going to do on August 9th for a week.  I had no issues with that.  But as soon as he left, he started ignoring me..which I hate..and he also knows that.  He would text every now & then that week & tell me that he loved me, but he was having doubts.  So I was a mess for that whole week.  He told me that his mom was bringing him back on August 16th & we would talk then...he doesn't drive.  He didn't know for sure yet if he wanted to stay with me or not.  So he shows up, his mom comes in, uses the bathroom & then leaves...but stays in town "just in case."  Well he came in, sat down, we made small talk for a few minutes & then he told me that he was going to go ahead & move out..that he wasn't sure until he came back & talked to me.  I was soooo upset & heartbroken.  I told him that I wasn't going to stay here & watch him pack, so I left & his mom came back & helped him.  I stayed down at my mom's that night, because I didn't want to stay in the apartment.  So Jeff & I texted the next morning (17th).  He told me that he was in so much pain the night before, that he was crying, that he missed us & loved us & wanted to come back...could I go get him?  Well hell yeah I could.  So I borrowed gas money from my mom...went down there, packed my car with his stuff & went by a store first, so he could sell some of his games & movies.  We were there for over an hour...we talked & stuff & thought all was cool.  We left there to drive back here...and were talking about things.  He then started crying (he doesn't cry often) & said he was sorry, he didn't know what he wanted, he was confused, he needed passion & he wanted that with me..but it wasn't there...well if you read my past blog entries...you will see that it was never really there...but we had an emotional & mental connection from the first.  OK, so we are about 20 minutes outside of Colorado Springs, I pull over & ask what he wants to do...he said he wanted to go back to his mom's!  So I took him back & was SO PISSED, was yelling, etc.  He kept saying he was sorry, that he loved me, that he just had to figure things out, etc.  When we got back to his mom's house, she came out, because I told him I wasn't helping him unpack my car.  So they did.  If I had known that was going to be the last time I saw him, I would have got out & given him a hug.  Instead I just gave him a kiss & left.  We used to text sometimes...sometimes he would answer me, but most times he didn't.  He did tell me that he had moved in with some roommates & that he was hanging out, but not dating a girl.  Which I was really upset about.  So, like I said, he treated me like crap on my birthday & then called it quits on September 5th.  For the next month..I texted him A LOT.  I was bordering on stalking really.  I just wanted answers.  I wanted to know when he stopped loving me, when he had decided to move out, if he was talking to someone before he left me, etc.  He never really answered any of those.  So earlier this month, he sent a text saying "I won't forget about you.  I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction."  He had threatened different times to block my number, because I was texting so much.  The night of October 11th...he said the he was done with all of this, that he was tired of going over the same shit & that he was going to block me for sure this time when he got home, that he had moved on, that he knew I hadn't & that was fine.  He said he hoped I found some happiness in my life & that it would be his last message & goodbye."  SO....I texted him yet again & told him not to block me, that I promised I wouldn't contact him again.  He never said anything back, so I don't know if I'm blocked or not, but I won't contact him again.  Not by text, phone, e-mail.  He had said that we could be friends...well that's what I wanted too.  I didn't want him totally out of my life.  But he wants ME out of HIS.  So I won't contact him again.  Which is really hard not to do.  I miss him.  Even though he's an ass.  I never saw that side of him in 2 years.  It was like he flipped a switch.  His mom & I get along...she's like 9 years older than me...so we may hang out sometime...because we are still friends.  She said that she just wouldn't discuss Jeff with me...which is fine.  The boys still ask about him...especially Matthew...but there's nothing I can do.  Jeff was the only guy that I had brought around them & I won't do it again.  Hell I don't even know if I can trust anyone again.  I totally trusted him & he bailed.  I HATE being ignored & he did it all the time after he left.  I wasn't over it yet, so I kept trying.  Kept hoping that he would come back.  How stupid is that?  It doesn't matter...I'm living day to day.  It'll keep getting better.  I don't always feel that way, but right now, I do.  I'm too old for this crap.  I was too happy & too content...and that worked against me.  At first, I was exercising every day for an hour & really trying to lose weight, but it wasn't going anywhere...I don't know if I was still eating too much or what.  Plus started taking Effexor in June...don't know if that has anything to do with anything.  I'm back over 300 lbs again.  I'm going to start low carb again tomorrow & start exercising again.  I had done it every day for like 4 weeks & then I stopped, because mom & I went out of town (a story for another time).  So now I need to get back into it.  I don't eat low carb all the time, because I can't afford it.  Jeff never paid for much while he was living with me, but when he started getting food stamps in April, he would at least use that for groceries, but then later, he would say that he always buys a ton of food for my kids & none for himself.  Money was also an issue.  He never had any unless his mom sent him some.  So I couldn't go to the movies with him or out to eat with him at any time, unless I paid.  Well now he has some job in Colorado Springs & he told me that he's clearing like $2100 a month.  He doesn't have kids to take care of or anything else.  So he has plenty of money every month which I'm sure he's using on some other girl.  He never bought me jewelry or anything like that.  I guess I should have known then.