I told you about Jeff. Well I haven't really contacted him since October 11th...though there was something I had to talk to him about towards the end of last month & he did respond...but I would rather not talk about that. Anyway, he DID block me on his phone, but could still send e-mails. He had said that he would never have Facebook, because he didn't like social media...well on November 5th, I decided to type his name in a & see. Well he had a page. Not much was on it. A picture of him & that he lived in Colorado Springs....OH YEAH...and that he was in a relationship with this girl...I thought that was really fast to be in another relationship, but whatever...I looked at her page & there were pictures of him & her kids in the store, etc. Well I looked more closely at his page to see WHEN they got into a relationship. I figured it was August when he moved out. It said March 3, 2014!~ WTF?! How in the hell did he pull that one off & were the last two years a lie??? I was SO upset!! I sent him an e-mail pretty much saying what I just said. He didn't answer me...I sent another e-mail & it bounced back..so he had blocked me. He took down his Facebook page & any comments that he had made on her page...but not before I got copies of them. Yes I know...I'm psycho. Not really though. He had blamed ME for not trying in our relationship, that he was the one that was trying...kinda hard to try when you're investing yourself elsewhere. He never bought me anything..I bought him a few things here & there. Yet I believe he sent her flowers in May. Found this out the other day too, of course. I sent him another e-mail asking WHY he would do this & HOW he could even think about doing this to me...the one that he was supposedly "completely" in love with & wanted to marry. It went thru, so guess he unblocked me on e-mail. I haven't said anything to him since & he hasn't said anything to me. You would think that he would at least man up & tell me how stupid I had been for MONTHS if not YEARS. I sent her a message as well telling her that I didn't know what he had been telling her, but that him & I had been in a relationship for a couple of years & he had been living with me. She never wrote back, but noticed today that she took his pictures off of her page...whatever that means. Yes I can be a vindictive bitch. But the way he left...that was bad enough...but to be LYING to me the entire time & then blaming me??? I'm not just going to take that lying down. I didn't deserve this kind of hurt. Not from him. I trusted him totally. Believed that we were forever. Didn't think we would ever be totally out of each others lives, even if we were just friends. We talked or texted EVERY day for over 2 years...then he just walked away. How can I even trust another guy again? I look at it this way...from now on, I will just believe that everyone is lying until they prove otherwise. It's a crappy way to live, but I've had enough of being hurt. I think this was an even worse betrayal than when my ex husband left me. I have had a few hard moments not e-mailing him....but what is there to say? He doesn't want to tell me what was going on for all of those months...and I can't make him. He is the one who fucked up & the one who has to deal with it. I'm not such a bad person...he gave up something good for MAYBE something that he thought was better. I have to move on. I miss him every day. I think about him constantly. I wish I didn't. I know that it will fade in time. That I obsess about everything under the sun & then move on to something else to obsess about.
I have gained a shit load of weight. I have been afraid to get on the scale. I had been in the 290's for awhile...after getting down from 350. Well I have steadily been gaining weight. As of today, I'm 321!! WTF?? I said I would NEVER get up to this point again & yet here I am. I knew that I had gained weight, because my jeans were tighter, my shirts didn't fit right...but didn't realize it would be THIS bad. So now I have to lose 22 lbs just to get below 300 again. So fucking depressing. But i will. I will watch the carbs, will exercise, will drink more water. Because I sure as hell don't want to be THIS heavy or even heavier than this. I'm totally discouraged. I really didn't think I was eating that much. I HAD stopped working out, so thought that had a lot to do with it. But I'm constantly wanting to eat the past week or so.:( If I could just stay away from cookies, chips, doughnuts, bread, etc. etc. then all would be good, right? But then how miserable would I be? It doesn't matter though... I HAVE to lose this weight. It's just not an option to let myself get bigger.
I want to ask..do any of you believe in magic? Seriously? Do you believe in spells? Let me know your thoughts.
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