I just need to get past Jeff. I need to move on. I should have done it when he first left, but I didn't. I kept contacting him & sometimes he would actually respond. Now I haven't contacted him since October 11th & I'm proud of myself, because didn't think that I could actually do it. I just keep remembering the good times. I need to make myself remember the bad times as well. I think the reason that I'm thinking about it so much now is because I'm going to see a friend tomorrow (her son & my two younger sons are friends). She lives about an hour away & at the beginning of June, they had gone on a vacation for 10 days & Jeff & I did the house/pet sitting for them. I loved being over there, just him & I, for 10 days. We binge watched "Supernatural," played Scrabble, just hung out. It was sooo nice. Now I get to go back over there & have all of those memories. Like I don't have enough here. He was lucky moving away. Sure there were some memories of us in Colorado Springs, but nothing like I have here. He probably doesn't even think about me. I have no idea. On October 2nd, he sent me a text saying "I won't forget about you. I think about you all of the time, but my life is moving in a different direction." It just makes me feel sick that we can't go back to the way it was. Even if by some miracle, he wanted to come back, there is no trust there now. I'm just so lost. He was my best friend. I knew better than to do that. I did that with my ex husband as well. Make them my everything & then when they left...I had nothing. Some people make a mistake & learn not to do that again...guess it takes me a couple of times...at least.
My weight is out of control. Even though I haven't gained any weight since the other day, I haven't lost any either. I want to eat all of the time. I don't even care at this point in time & I need to get out of that mindset. In August/September when I thought that maybe I could get Jeff to come back...when I had hope that he would...I was exercising for at least an hour every day. Then when I realized or accepted that he wasn't coming back...I slacked off. I need to get back on track. I need to lose this weight for me, not for anyone else. I don't expect to meet some great guy if I "just lose enough weight." I realize that I'm not good in relationships. Jeff told me a few times that I was selfish. So after he left, I asked a few of my "friends" if I was selfish & they all pretty much said "well not all of the time." So guess I'm selfish & didn't know it. I have taken care of people all of my life, was a people pleaser for a long time...so maybe I did decide to become a bit more selfish. I have no idea. But I didn't think that people saw me as that. I have a lot of work to do on myself obviously. I started seeing a therapist once a week about a month ago, so will see if that helps as well. My life just feels out of control right now...and I can't deal with that.
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