I missed my shrink appt the other day. I have decided not to go back. I don't think talking about my past is helping me, when it's the present that is kicking my ass. Some days I'm good...and others,...like the past few...I'm so not. I don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. I feel like staying in bed & ignoring the world. It takes too much energy to be social & I just don't have it right now. I love the Holidays...but not right at this second. I have to get over Jeff. NO DOUBT. I need to stop thinking about him. I think the more I try to do that, the more I end up thinking about it all. Then I just get all upset & pissed off all over again. We had good times. But we also had bad times & I have to remember those as well. I tend to only think about the good ones. I haven't contacted him since I sent that last e-mail on the 5th asking WHY. Of course, he didn't answer, I didn't expect him to. He's a coward for not just coming clean. He doesn't respect me enough or ever loved me enough to give me an explaination. He doesn't care that I hurt & that I want answers. I just have to let it go. So hard for me to do. I know Karma is a bitch & maybe he will get is & maybe he won't. Maybe his hurting me like he did is Karma for something I did in the past. I don't really know. I know that I'm not always a good person. But who is? Do I think I deserved all of this? No. But it happened & it's just the way it goes. I thought I had my forever. Now...well...it's just me & the kids for awhile & when they're grown & on their own...it's just me. I have to accept that. I have always felt that I needed a guy in my life or at least guys to accept me, want me, (fuck...I just deleted most of this post accidentally!! Now I just feel like not saying anything else, because I can't think of what I said before...was just letting it flow...annoying). Would I like a guy in my life who was totally in love with me & I felt the same? Yes....but it's not a thing that I can't live without right now. I have to figure out what the hell it is that I need. I need to get outside & walk & be in the fresh air...even though it's freezing. I complain in the Summer that it's too hot. Always something to complain about. It's just another excuse not to get my fat ass moving. I have been trying to eat less & better. Not easy. When it's cold out, I tend to want more carbs & comfort food, so have to fight against that. I weigh myself every couple of days now so it won't get out of control, more than it already is. I used to just count the pounds & not the ounces or whatever, now I do both. On the 11th, I weighed 321.8 & yesterday I weighed 321.6. Wasn't happy about that. I know that I won't lose 10 lbs in 2 days...but even a pound would have been better than nothing. I don't feel like doing anything except going back to bed & not dealing with the world. I'm tired of people who lie & cheat. Hell I can't even tell the difference obviously. I have never been a good judge of character. It sucks. I have a rational side & a crazy, selfish, negative side to my personality. Did I tell you that I have Borderline Personality Disorder? Anyway, I wish that my rational side was out there more...but it's not. Guess maybe it's just something else i have to work on. I have kept a journal (notebooks) since May 2013...the longest that I have ever had one. I was reading back some over the past few months last night & all that was going on with Jeff. I KNEW that when he went to his mom's on August 9th that he wasn't coming back except to get his stuff. I had written it down that I was afraid that he wouldn't come back & he didn't. I felt there was someone else already, even though he denied it...and I was right again. I don't know why people find it so damn easy to lie to me. They must think I'm stupid...I'm not.
I'm in pain every day...well...to an extent. I supposedly have Fibromyalgia. I take Gabapentin for it. My knees hurt so bad when I get up after sitting for awhile..but after I'm up & walking, I'm good. My shoulders hurt, etc. I try to ignore it mostly. I don't like the fact that I'm only 45 & I have these issues already. It makes me worry about when I'm 65. But I try not to think about the future too much...or the past. I know that I need to concentrate on the now. There's only that.
My ex husband...who lives with someone & has been with them for awhile...keeps trying to hook up with me. I find it annoying. At one time, I would have been all over that. It took me a long time to get over him....like 2 fucking years of my life. Now he just wants a booty call every now & then? I'm not even remotely interested.
I have a FWB now that I have only seen one time, but will maybe see him more. He's way too young for me & he's just passing the time until he finds "the one." I feel that since I won't see him that often, that we can mostly just be friends & if something else happens, then it does. But as for a relationship or love...I'm not even planning on any of that again. I try not to be cynical...but I so am right now.
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