OK, recently, I have been "better" about dealing with my ex. But sometimes he just pushes my buttons. Last night was one of those nights. We hardly talk anymore..which is still hard for me. Yes we're divorced and I guess that talking isn't "normal" anymore. But, like I said before, he was also my best friend. He will say sometimes that we can talk whenever I want to, etc. Believe me, that's not the case. He just wants me basically to just not talk about anything important or serious. He doesn't want to hear it. Well we have 3 kids together and he's going to have to listen SOME, right? Yes I should be totally over this by now...I'm getting there, but not totally done yet. I DO wish it would hurry up though. People have said it takes 2 years...well 2 years from WHEN? From the divorce itself? From when he moved out? I hope it's the latter..because it will be 2 years in August. Anyway, I said something last night about wanting us to talk more and he's like "We're divorced Tammy. We can be FRIENDLY and be friends." Then I didn't let him finish the sentence. I'm not a two year old who needs to be told that we're divorced. I'm perfectly aware of the fact. He then said if I try to keep the kids away from him, that he would fight for custody. Which I can understand. I wouldn't keep the kids from him, though I have threatened it before. In the papers, he's supposed to see them on weekends (unless he goes to Denver to see HER), every other 4th of July and the 2nd week of Christmas vacation. Maybe I should just hold it to that, instead of letting him see them every day? I asked him about his retirement again...it won't be for another 20 years or so, but I asked if I could have some of it, since we were married for 13 years and am entitled to some of it because of that. He said "if it's in the papers." Well it's not. I don't want ALL of it or even HALF of it. Just SOME of it. He goes "why so you don't have to work?" WTH??? This is like in 20 YEARS..not right now. I'm on disability and have been for years...had it when we got married. So he KNOWS that I can only work a certain amount of time a week. It's a long story, but right now, I'm still a stay-at-home mom. Yes I will have to find a job soon...because getting paid once a month...with disability and child support, just doesn't cut it. But he had NO RIGHT to say that. There's no way that I CAN'T get a job. We need the money. Dave pays the house payment thru next March (court ordered) and then it's on me. I told him that the boys and I would have to move, because I can't afford to live here. He said "well maybe the Section 8 will come thru and you can get a job here." OK, yes I signed up for Section 8 housing last year. It's a 2 year waiting list. I think I'm like #66 on the list. There are NO jobs around here unless you want to do fast food or clean hotel rooms. I don't think so. I'm not a snob, but I'm not doing that crap again. Have done both before and that was enough. I used to work at Wal-Mart, but they aren't hiring here..or maybe they're just not hiring me? Who knows. He just doesn't get it. He lives with his sister RENT FREE. He got a brand new car last August, while I drive a 1993 vehicle. He has no bills except his car payment, insurance and his cell phone. I have everything else. My car payment, insurance, heat, lights, water, trash, TV/internet/phone, my insurance premium (health). After he stops making the house payment ($800 a month), there's no way that I can stay here and pay that AND have any extra money left after the other bills. So if I can't get a decent job here, I'm screwed. This is a small town and there just isn't much. But he likes to ignore all of that stuff and live in his own little dream world. He can't figure out why I'm so stressed out and pissed off. So I called him a jerk and a few other choice names. Which was wrong, but I was pissed. I have a hard time controlling my mouth when I get that mad. On another note, we haven't messed around in months...before, it's like he wanted both of us. So that's how I know he's totally over me...not trying anything anymore. Though he did come by a couple of weeks ago and we messed around a little, but that didn't make me feel better...I just kept thinking about him and her. I don't even know what the hell he was doing. Anyway, so after I got mad last night, I texted her (yes I have her number) and basically told her that Dave and I had messed around and hoped she liked to share. That she wasn't as good at some things (he told me!). Was it nice or right? Not really. But, at the time, I didn't really care. Now I feel a bit guilty about it. It's funny, people can hurt me all the time and not give a shit. I can't do that. Even if people hurt me first, I don't like hurting them back. That's just stupid. I need to get meaner or tougher or something. Tired of getting walked all over.
I was in bed most of yesterday with a migraine.:( I used to get them a lot, but hadn't for awhile. I wouldn't wish those on anyone. I also have a rash on my neck that itches like crazy. I have no idea what that's about.
The diet and exercise thing isn't going so well.:( But I'm working on it.
Oh I told Dave that when we go to Denver for the bowling tournament the weekend of the 14th, that he needs to keep her away from me, since she will be there too. I'm just not in the mood to meet her and deal with it all. He's going up there this weekend as well. Phillip has gone up with him before, but I told Dave that he's not going up with him anymore and the two younger ones not at all. Phillip always comes back more upset than he was before he left! It's BS.
Then my youngest, Matthew, is being bullied at school. He's 7. They don't need to put up with that crap. He has a bruise on his knee from where the little brat kicked him yesterday. I'm going by the school today to see what can be done. My oldest was bullied too...probably still is some..but not as much since he could knock someone the fuck out if he wanted to now.LOL Though I tell him not to do that. But they go to school to learn and they don't need to put up with that crap. Parents should teach their kids NOT to be bullies. I just heard on the news today, that two 14 year old girls in Minnesota hung themselves..they were friends. They were getting bullied at school too. I WON'T let it come to that. If need be, I will just try to homeschool them...Phillip wants that anyway.
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