I feel so out-of-control in my life right now. My weight, my gambling, my inability to stick to a low carb eating plan (even though that's the only thing I have found that works), my feelings about Dave, etc. I know nobody ever said that life was easy, but damn. I know there are people A LOT worse off than me, but that doesn't make my problems any less important.
Weight: I'm 300 lbs AGAIN..:( I told myself that I wouldn't let myself get to that weight ever again. Since September 2010, I have been stuck between 295-300 and I hate it. I was excersing for an hour a day (to DVD's), yet my weight pretty much stayed the same. I would have to cut almost everything out of my diet to even make a dent. The lowest I have gotten on this journey is 289. I was doing good on the low carb thing yesterday...until mom and step-dad ordered pizza and I caved. "Only" had two...but then had about 5 or 6 cookies. Thing is that's pretty much all I ate yesterday...but I know in order for this to work, I can't have ANY carbs or at least VERY LOW carbs. So today is yet another "start day." If I can get thru the first 3 days or so, I think I'll be OK.
I feel guilty and ashamed about the gambling thing...and mom is going to have a FIT when she sees that I have been at it yet again. It's ridiculous. I CRAVE it and that isn't a good thing. If I was rich and could just throw money around..then cool, but I'm not and I don't.
My son, Dominic...there was a song on the radio the other day, something about if they had a million dollars, that they would buy a nice house, etc. Dominic then tells me that if he had a million dollars, he would help the people in Japan. I thought that was soooo sweet of him!!
Dave and Phillip are coming back today. How can I NOT talk to Dave?? How do I draw that line and just talk about the boys and nothing else? How do I pretend that I don't care? That I don't love him anymore, that I don't need him? When something interesting happens or whatever, I automatically want to tell HIM..when something goes wrong in my life, he's the one that I complain to, the one I depend on. How the hell do I give that up??? How do I get over the anger? I just want him back dammit! I want my life back! I want what used to be. But even if all of a sudden he "came to his senses" and decided that he didn't want her, that he wanted his family back...I couldn't ever trust or believe him again..so I KNOW in my head that it would never be the same, but try telling that to my HEART. I'm tired of hearing that he needs his "happiness." Well so do I..I deserve that too. But am I leaving my kids to do that? HELL NO! The guy I used to know wouldn't have done that either. But this is a new guy..someone I don't know, someone who I can't trust or believe anymore. That sucks. Sucks that I believe everything out of his mouth is a lie. But he made it that way. "I PROMISE I will never leave you," "I PROMISE I won't leave the kids and move to Denver." There are other examples, but it's too damn early and I can't think of them right now. So when he tells me that it won't be "out of sight, out of mind" when he's away from the kids, that he will get down here "when he can" to see the kids, that he just won't disappear from their lives...I can't believe him. It makes me sick to think that he will just leave and leave his old life, his "old" family behind. I can't imagine not seeing him every day when I go to get the boys. Can't imagine him not being here when something goes wrong at the house and I need someone to fix it or whatever. Can't imagine not texting him or talking to him and joking around. How am I going to DO this????? I don't feel strong enough to do this. I'm not proud of this, but there were a few times that I begged him to stay. I still feel like doing that at times, even though I know it wouldn't do any good and I would just end up looking like an idiot.
As for the "other guys" in my life. Of course, I have heard nothing from Arturo and don't plan to. I did send him a card the other day. Bruce...I have no idea. He says that he loves talking to me, that he loves me and always will. That he still wants to see me in July and that he's saving money towards that. He doesn't like texting. He would rather talk on the phone. He was going to call last night and didn't. I know that he has a life of his own, that I have done the same thing to him a time or two..maybe a few more. Told him I would call at a certain time, but then something would come up and I wouldn't call him. Now I know how he felt. The whole karma thing, I guess. I need to be more aware of how my actions affect other people. I still text Ron some, but not as much as I was. I know he wonders what is going on. I just don't see how that could go anywhere. He can't come here and live with me. Not now and maybe not ever, because I can't afford to support someone else and besides, I wouldn't have any respect for him if I had to do that. When he does have any money, he's drinking or getting high. Pretty sure I don't need that in my life. I could lie to myself and say all of that would stop if he was with me, but most likely it wouldn't. Yet I always give people the benefit of the doubt and usually end up getting screwed over. Think I would learn from past mistakes, but obviously I don't. I'm supposed to go up there next weekend. Yes I would like to see him. BUT I would have to pay for the gas and not sure my jeep would even make it up there...been sounding "funny" lately. Then I would have to pay for a hotel room for two nights, since he lives with roommates and I would feel uncomfortable staying there when I don't know anyone. THEN I would have to pay for the food too, since he doesn't have any money. I just don't have the money for all of that....yet I STILL manage to blow the fucking stuff on gambling!!!!:( Damn..I need to get it together. I'm going to Vegas soon and though I have the cash to get out there...I already told Chris that I'm not going to have much money while I'm there. It's embarrassing. But I've been trying to stick to a "budget," I'm just not very good at it. OK enough for now. Too many thoughts in my head and I keep jumping around all over the place here...sorry about that. Till next time.....
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