OK, so now do I not only need help for depression and eating way too damn much...now I need it for gambling as well. I'm soooo over it! I got ahold of the gambling site today and told them to close my account. I have to keep myself from going on there ever again. Isn't that ridiculous? That I can't do things in moderation...eating, drinking, gambling, etc. etc. I have to do too much of everything. My mom now knows that even MORE money is coming out of her account...to the tune of $300!!! So now I'm asking friends if I can "borrow" money until I get paid at the beginning of next month. If you don't think that's not embarrasssing...:( I feel so low right now. I don't even know if anyone has any money to help me with, but I NEED to give the money to mom..this isn't HER fault and I have to make things right. I'm hoping she doesn't mention it to my step-dad..he will NOT be happy.
Today is my last day of bowling (I'm on a league). I will miss it. Not sure if I will be on a league next year or not. Will just have to wait and see.
Leaving for Vegas on Monday...I should be happy and excited, but I'm really not. I feel guilty for a few reasons. Leaving my kids for a few days is the number one reason. I told them last night and they all instantly got upset. Dominic..the one who never shows emotions..started crying and saying he didn't want me to go. Matthew tells me that me being away for 4 days is too long and it's hard being away from me that long.;(
Phillip isn't happy about it. They all worry the plane will crash. I hate when they worry about that. I'm afraid of flying...but it's the fastest way to get there!!LOL I have already paid for my ticket and it's non-refundable. But I feel bad about how the kids feel, about blowing my moms' money, about having to ask people if I can borrow some money, of having no money to take to Vegas with me, etc. Chris says he'll pay for things out there..to not worry about it, but how can I not? It's not right for people to be paying for me, just because I fucked up.
Haven't heard from Britton...but guess didn't really expect to. I was shocked that he even added me on Facebook to tell you the truth. Ron and I text during the day and sometimes talk on-line. I wish I lived closer to him, so I could get to know him better. I just don't see how all of this is going to be possible..our relationship and all. Then Bruce (in Alaska) is working a lot of hours right now. So we don't talk much. He still wants me to go out there in July.
I didn't eat any carbs yesterday...well if I did, the total was less than 20 grams. I get so hungry, but know that it will eventually pass. I have to keep looking at the bigger picture...not just today. I want to be able to fit into a swimsuit and look at least half way decent when I take my kids to hotel swimming pools next month and in June. I haven't gone to a public pool in YEARS. I would like to be able to do that as well. Plus I have to meet my ex's gf for the first time next month and I don't want to be THIS big. I just feel like sometimes throwing in the towel and saying fuck it..let myself eat and get HUGE, but I would be miserable (even more so than I am now) and so won't let myself do that.
2 comments:
oh my darlin i've been there in the land of self-sabotage. obviously you have an addictive personality (don't we all) have you tried counseling to help deal with some of the issues, most communities have no/low cost services. maybe even join a support group like overeaters annonymous. whatever happens you need to love yourself enough to do what's best for you! you deserve to be happy darlin, unconditional love starts with yourself.
I may definitely see about getting some help. I have to learn to love myself for sure. I just never have I don't think...so not sure where to start.
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